Original subtitles

[♪ gentle music playing]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

-[sign clicks] -[people chattering]

[heartbeat thumping]

[light clacks]

[young Hannah] I can't believe we get to finally see a real prom.

You ready?

[♪ mystical music plays]

[young Hannah] Holy shit.

[young Jess] Let's promise each other prom will be our night.

You'll be there with the love of your life,

and the most popular girl in school, the prom queen,

that'll be me,

no matter what it takes.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[exhales] Prom pact.

-[young Hannah] Prom pact. -[loud slice]

-Oh. Oh! -Oh, my God.

-What do I do?! -Uh, just calm down.

-It's gonna be fine. - I don't know how to calm down!

-[young Jess] It's okay! You're okay! -[young Hannah] I'm okay.

-I'm okay! -[people screaming]

[panting] I'm okay.

[screams]

[♪ "Downtown" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis playing]

♪ Tip-toeing in the street like ballet ♪

♪ Pulled up, moped to the valet ♪

♪ Whitewalls on the wheels like mayonnaise ♪

♪ Dope, my crew is ill ♪

♪ And all we need is two good wheels ♪

♪ Got gas in the tank, cash in the bank ♪

♪ And a bad little mama with her ass in my face ♪

♪ I'ma dope! ♪

[Jess] I can't believe the dress that I ordered

four months ago never came.

[Hannah] Do you think it's 'cause we made your delivery name Dick Shartioli?

[Jess] Maybe, but that was the only dress Luca thinks I look like a prom queen in.

Okay, are you ready?

[Hannah] I mean, I guess.

Oh! [laughs]

-Holy shit! -[Jess laughs]

Oh, Jess, you literally look like a penis.

-[Jess] Well, you look like a period. -You're welcome.

Why do they even make dresses like this?

It's not like anyone looks good in them.

[curtain rattles]

[♪ mellow pop music plays in store]

That's fucked up.

[door bell chiming]

So do you wanna do sushi or pizza...?

Oh, I forgot to tell you, Luca actually invited me to lunch.

-[Hannah groans] -We can drop you off though.

I would rather get in a Lyft with Thelma and Louise.

Don't be an asshole.

[♪ dreamy music playing]

♪ Oooooh, Luca ♪

[♪ dreamy music distorts]

Hey, Hanky.

I'd offer you a lift, but the Beemer's built for speed, not comfort.

Doubt you'd fit.

-[trunk door thuds] -Save me a seat at assembly.

See ya!

[tires squeal]

Yeah. Hope his dick falls off!

-[horn blares] -[pedestrian] Fuck you, asshole!

-[tires screeching] -[engine revving]

[♪ techno music plays on speakers]

-[switch clicks] -[car roof whirring]

[car roof thuds]

[windows whirring]

[clicks stereo]

[♪ sensual music playing on car stereo]

Just wanted to maximize

our alone time together.

Oh.

-[switch clicks] -[chair whirring]

[Jess] [chuckles] Okay.

-[chair whirring] -I, um...

[Luca moans]

[Jess] I-- Oh, oh.

-[chair whirring] -[moaning]

-Oh, okay. [laughs] -Okay.

Um, I just-- [laughs]

[♪ sensual music continues]

-What are you doing? -I just don't want our first time

to be at 11:00 a.m.

in a parking lot.

[bicycle bell rings]

Just wait till tomorrow night.

We'll have a whole hotel room to ourselves after prom.

-It'll be worth the wait. -I'm not trying

to force myself onto you or whatever.

-Mm! -I just...

I want to be close to you.

I want to be close to you, too.

-So? -No, I'm sorry.

[Luca sighs]

So what do you want to do for lunch?

Eh, I gotta go pick up the keg for the pre-prom, so...

Well, you wanna hang out tonight instead?

Can't, FFF. Friday family fondue.

Right.

Well, if you change your mind, I'd love to finally meet your parents.

Hmm.

I can take you back to school if you want.

[sighs] Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.

Alright.

[students chattering]

[keypad clacking]

[door opens]

[♪ chill music playing]

♪ Same place, different love ♪

♪ Only call you up when I'm feeling low ♪

♪ Champagne feels better than the real thing ♪

♪ Gimme the cash, gimme the bag, gimme the loot ♪

♪ I want it all, gimme the love, gimme your heart too ♪

♪ No one to blame, catching the flame, just me and you ♪

-Hey. -[Hannah gulps]

[coughing]

Um, I just wanted to say thanks for sending me the trig homework.

Kinda just needed to hand something in.

Didn't get a chance to finish it because of my gig.

-[Hannah coughing] -Jesus, are you okay?

[strained voice] Just choking.

[coughing]

[farts, gasps]

-Did you just fart? -Nope.

[sniffs] Thought I heard a fart.

You didn't. [coughs, gasps]

Okay, uh, well, I'll catch you later.

[spits]

[indistinct chatter]

-[Jess] Yo. -[gasps] Yo!

There you are.

[Hannah coughs]

What'd Angie want?

Uh, just... [clears throat] just talking about trig homework.

[Hannah clearing throat]

Gross.

Oh fuck! That sucks for her.

-[clears throat] -Where's Greg?

I don't know, he said he had some, like,

student council thing.

Alright. Come on, folks, let's settle down.

Alright, seniors. I know that some of you are planning to take things

to the next level tomorrow night, sexually.

-That's a word that we can use here. -[crowd cheering]

We're all adults, or almost.

And so I've prepared a little demo to have you watch

before you do something on your prom night

that you can't take back.

-[laughter] -[student] Eat a dick!

Hey, shut up!

-Shut your holes! -[students laughing]

Teen pregnancy is not a joke!

Unless it happens to somebody funny.

[laughter]

Protection is the key.

I'm gonna show every Johnson in this room...

[crowd cheers]

...that condoms really are one size fits all.

Observe.

Now imagine I am the thing in question.

[cheering, laughter]

-[Jess groans] -Oh, my God.

Yeah, they should've just handed out free condoms and called it a day.

Mm! Spoken like a true sexual expert.

-[Jess] I've only done it once. -[Hannah] That's more than me.

God, I still cannot believe I greened out

and missed you meeting Johan, the dreamy exchange student.

-[condom screeches] -[Lundy groans]

[Jess] Yeah. [nervous chuckle]

Yeah, it's crazy that he had to go back to Germany, like, immediately.

Like, the very next day. Sucks.

[muffled] We have one final announcement.

Have a good time at prom.

And for heaven's sakes, use a condom!

[students applauding]

Hey, I wanted to ask you, would you be okay

with doing pre-prom at Luca's instead of yours?

The soccer team, they just, they decided to throw

a big party last minute, and Luca's the captain, so--

Seriously?

My mom planned, like, a whole thing for us.

I know,

-but he's so excited. -Ugh!

Fine.

As long as we're still getting ready at mine.

Of course. Yes.

Yeah, well, nothing could be worse than that.

[♪ lively music playing]

-Is that... -Greg.

[singing] ♪ Night-oh, night-oh ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ Night-oh, night-oh ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

[♪ upbeat electronic music playing]

-Is he prom-posing right now? -Oh, my God.

Please, no.

[♪ upbeat music continues]

♪ Please come to prom with me, my Hannah Banana ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ Please come to prom... ♪

Oh, my God, he's getting closer.

-[spotlight clicks] -[Hannah gasps]

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ Night, is a night, is a night, is a night ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ Night, is a night, is a night, is a night ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

[Jess] They're putting a harness on him.

[Hannah] [groaning] My, God.

♪ One foot, two foot, three foot, dance ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ Six foot, seven foot, eight foot, dance ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

[Hannah] Oh, God.

Hannah, will you please go to prom with me?

Yeah! Yes, just fucking stop!

She said yes!

[students cheering and applauding]

[indistinct chatter]

[Hannah] It's always big public displays of affection with him.

I told him not to do that.

He choreographed bananas for you.

Clearly, it came from a place of love.

I've been dating Luca for four months, and I still can't even get him

to introduce me to his parents.

[Hannah] Consider yourself lucky.

[Jess] Can't believe you two are going to different colleges.

Do you remember when you found out that he was sleeping

with a lock of your hair?

Dateline vibes.

Yeah. I think some space will be a good thing.

[locker door thuds]

[Jess] No one had their phones out.

[Hannah] You literally had your phone out.

You wanna hang out tonight? Vodka Heather's throwing a party.

Oh, God, I hope I'm the only Hannah in my program.

I do not want to be saddled with a nickname like that

my first year of college.

Are you kidding me? She loves it.

[Hannah] That's actually surprisingly well done.

She's got a really smooth lower back.

[Jess] Mm-hmm.

As much as I would love to see that in person,

Greg told me to come over tonight for a "surprise."

I'm guessing it's a shared burial plot.

We can give you a ride home, though.

[car horn honks]

[Jess] Why's your brother here?

[♪ "Bad Attitude" by Bella Rios playing]

♪ Don't you know you make me crazy ♪

♪ Pull my hair... ♪

I can't believe this is happening right now.

I know. I've known you since we were, like, five.

Are you thinking about five-year-old me while I'm inside of you right now?

-[Jess laughs] -That's fucked up. That's--

You're sick.

-Does sex always have this much talking? -Yeah.

Yeah, it does when you're nervous because you like someone.

We can't tell Hannah.

Oh, my God, no. Mum's the word.

Oh, great, now I'm thinking about your mom.

-[Jacob groans] -[Jess gasps]

[Jacob] No, but imagine I came when you said that.

[both laugh]

-[Jess] That would be so weird. -[Jacob] That would be really fucked up.

-[Jess] I know. -[Jacob] That would be worse than,

like, you thinking about five-year-old me.

-[both continue chatting indistinctly] -[Hannah snoring]

-[car door shuts] -Hi.

Hi.

[Hannah] Think your aux cord is busted.

Oh, uh, there's some CDs in the glove box if you want.

Eh, whatever.

Your music taste is all women who sound like sad ghosts anyways.

That's... fair.

-So when did you get back? -Uh, yesterday.

Yeah, I, uh, actually, I got a job at the Italian place

near our house, so I'll be here till August.

-Oh. -Felt like the right fit

because I would literally kill Hannah for a free chicken parm.

Same. [laughs]

Hey, um, do you guys wanna go to a show tonight?

There's this great band that's playing a warehouse near Rutgers Campus.

Should be pretty cool.

-Uh, I-- -I can't, I'm hanging with Greg.

And Jess is probably busy jerking it to a pic of Luca.

-Who's Luca? -Her chodey boyfriend.

-Oh. -[engine starts]

Get your feet down.

[foot thuds]

[Jacob] You were adopted.

[Hannah] Yeah, I know.

♪♪

[♪ song continues playing in car]

[Hannah] Love you.

[Jess] Love you.

Get home safe!

My door's right there.

Yeah, but you could trip.

Let's go! I gotta rock a fat piss.

-Why didn't you go at the school? -I did.

-What? -Gotta go again.

[Jacob] What is the matter with you?

[♪ mellow music playing]

[insects chirring]

[doorbell chimes]

Hi, Hannah. Come in, come in.

I'm just teaching Lucy a new trick.

Come on, you don't wanna miss this.

Lucy, what would you like for dinner?

[automated voice] Duck. Rice. Please.

[Hannah] Wow, she's hitting all her food groups.

She's so advanced.

I'd send her to university,

but I'm so scared of the fraternity parties.

She's so smart, she doesn't even need a treat.

Her reward is communicating with Mommy.

Awesome.

I'm gonna check on dinner. I'm cooking Ethiopian food tonight.

-Greg should be down in a second. -Okay.

-[buttons clacking] -[automated voice] Duck. Rice. Please.

Please. Kill. Me.

Why would they even give you those buttons as an option?

There's my Hannie Bananie.

Come upstairs, I have something I wanna show you.

-[buttons clacking] -[automated voice] Please. Kill. Mommy.

Kill. Mommy.

Kill. Please.

Please. Please. Please.

[♪ upbeat music plays on computer]

[chuckles]

Hey, everyone, welcome back to my channel.

-So today... -[computer chimes]

...I have a super exciting makeup tutorial--

[♪ "Performative" by Subsonic Eye playing]

[keyboard clacking]

♪ Hands outstretched, now I don't even know ♪

♪ If I'm working, dying for who and what ♪

♪ Hands outstretched, now I don't even know ♪

♪ If I'm sleeping, living for who and... ♪

[keys jingling]

So, what musical did you wanna watch?

And before you say it, I know we can't watch Phantom

'cause it's "too scary."

You're not gonna propose, are you?

-What if I did? -You're not.

No! N-no.

I wanted to take a smaller step first.

[♪ curious music playing]

[Greg sighs]

This is from Penn State.

Yes.

So why's it addressed to you? You're going to Stanford.

You transferred.

I transferred!

[♪ dramatic sting]

Now we don't have to worry about expensive flights

or missing birthdays or anything.

I even weaseled my way into the same dorm,

so we never have to be apart.

Isn't it so great? We're gonna be together forever.

[♪ dramatic sting]

[distorted voice] Together forever.

Forever.

Forever.

I have to go.

[Greg] [normal voice] What?

Hannah!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Hannah!

[Lucy panting, barks]

[Hannah groans]

Lucy!

[♪ "Really OK on My Own" by Coach Party playing in car]

♪ I wanna stay here and be really okay on my own ♪

♪ Really okay on my own, don't wanna be alone ♪

Okay. You can do this.

They're gonna love you.

♪ Don't wanna be-- ♪

[car door chimes, music stops]

-[car door thuds] -[gate creaks]

[♪ sensual music plays on speakers]

-Luca? -[Luca] Jess?!

-Jesus! -[Luca scoffs]

I thought you had a family dinner?

I do! I mean, I did.

I yelled at my mom for buying ham instead of prosciutto,

so my parents went out without me.

How could you do this to me?

Look, it's not what it looks like. I barely know this girl.

Uh, you texted me.

Janine, I swear to God.

[Janine] I'm so sorry, I didn't know he was with someone.

-[Luca] Siri, pause "Sexy Time" playlist. -[♪ music stops]

Your text was a lie?

Not fully.

I bet my mom would think that you have great taste

if she knew who you were.

You're an asshole.

[Luca] Jess.

Come on, Jess!

Yo, Janine, [scoffs] are you still here?

Could we DoorDash some 'scuitto?

[water splashes]

Luca cheated on me!

No. Greg transferred to Penn State.

What?!

Meet at my house now!

How could he fucking do this to me?

There goes my chance at being prom queen.

He couldn't wait one night to get his dick wet?

I bought handcuffs, Hannah. Handcuffs!

And yeah, I bought them from the Halloween store

because the sex store kinda scares me, but I was gonna Google how to use them

and blow his fucking mind.

Like, I was gonna use them on my ankles.

That's crazy.

Ugh! You know what my name is in his phone?

It's "Jess Harrison Lee High."

We go to the same fucking school.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Hannah, you've said the same thing, like, five times.

Look, I know that Greg's transferring was a shock,

but isn't it a good thing?

Especially considering the alternative?

I'm a lesbian.

I've wanted to tell you forever,

but I could never get you at the right time,

and I wasn't entirely sure

'cause I hadn't kissed a girl before, so how could I know?

But then two weeks into dating,

Greg went down on me for the first time,

and I had to think of Rachel Weisz in The Mummy to cum.

And then it was obvious, but I wasn't ready for my whole life

to be turned upside down,

so I figured I'd go to college and get a septum ring,

and it'd sort of sort itself out,

but then Greg wanted to wear my skin as a coat,

and now I can't live one more second pretending

that I'm not obsessed with girls.

[chuckles]

Hannah.

[♪ gentle music playing]

Hannah, I know you're gay.

-What? -I'm your best friend.

And also, it's not exactly hard to tell.

What the...?

In fourth grade, you bought Mrs. Workowski a bottle of perfume

and then when her husband came for Career Day,

you called him a little bitch.

He was a little bitch.

-He was a firefighter. -He was a bitchy firefighter.

How come you didn't say anything?

It wasn't my place.

I figured you'd tell me when you were ready.

Just like I didn't tell you I was Black until I was eight.

And also, when you started dating Greg, I thought maybe you were bi.

No.

I was just scared.

So scared, I wasted 10 months of my life giving hand jobs

to a guy with a Glee bumper sticker.

Oh, my God.

I just ran out.

How the fuck am I gonna look him in the eye tomorrow?

Tomorrow.

Fuck! Tomorrow is prom and we don't have dates!

Dope! The perfect excuse not to go!

Uh, we are absolutely going.

Do you know how much of my college fund I spent on two dresses?

Lashes? Shoes?

I got a Brazilian, Hannah. I don't even know what that is.

Did you know you have hair on your asshole?

It is fucked up down there! Okay?

We are going to prom, and we're getting new dates tonight.

It is 9:00 p.m., Jessica.

-Prom pact. -Stop.

Prom pact.

Oh, you wanna compare scars?

'Cause this landed me in 10 months of therapy

after my mom thought I tried to publicly commit suicide.

We promised that no matter what, this would be our night.

[both squealing]

I can't wait to go to prom with my boyfriend.

If I'm not dating someone by senior year,

I'm gonna drink bleach and blast social media

so I can get a date with Taylor Lautner.

Fuck, I wish I thought of that.

That's just one part of the perfect prom night.

We only have one shot at senior prom. One. And we are this close.

I mean, are you really gonna let some douchebag

who sprays fucking Paco Rabanne on his balls

screw up my moment in the spotlight?

I don't know what you want me to do.

I don't even know what I would say to Greg.

You are going to prom with the love of your life.

Or as close as we can get. We're gonna find you a girl.

I've never even flirted with a girl.

I'm just supposed to ask one to prom?

I get why prom with a dude doesn't seem so exciting.

But what about prom with the girl of your dreams

who you get to maybe finger in the limo later?

[chalk scratching]

That's your finger.

I do want to finger the girl of my dreams.

He has to be hot. Or at least hotter than Luca.

Anything less is proof I'm ugly.

[mouthful] Oh, my God, what about Eric Stevens?

-[Jess] Who? -That kid who brought a can

of Whiskas for lunch in ninth grade.

You mean Cat Stevens?

[gasps] Oh, my God! Amar.

His parents have a private jet, and just broke up with Lisa.

Okay, yes. Calling him now.

Genius.

[line ringing]

I can't believe they used the one where I sneezed.

Amar. I just was wondering who you're going to prom with.

Yeah, no, that's great. I totally get it.

I'm so glad you two worked it out because I heard that--

I-I heard a rumor that she's cheating on you.

[Hannah gasps]

No, you didn't.

-I did. -Yeah, you fucking did.

[both laugh]

Okay. Ooh! Angie Adams.

-She's perfect. -[Hannah] Are you kidding me?

I would die to come out at prom with someone as cool as her.

Look, I might as well DM Sarah Paulson and ask her to prom.

-Hannah. -It would never happen.

[sighs] Fine.

[cellphone buzzes]

[Hannah] Take this away from me.

Time to text Melissa Kelly.

-Okay, give it back. -Mm.

"Hey.

"Do you wanna go to prom?

With me?"

-Mm, mm! -What? What?

She's typing.

-[Jess] Come on! -[Hannah] No!

That is a lie!

She hit, like, 42 home runs this year.

[Jess] God.

-[Jess groans] -Bitch.

-Hey. -[Hannah groans]

[Hannah sighs]

[♪ pop music playing on phone]

If we can't find anyone in high school, let's go to college.

Scarlet Knights forever! I'm never gonna die! Woo!

[♪ muffled techno music playing in car]

[♪ music blasts from car]

[♪ music gets muffled again]

[Hannah] Thank you!

[♪ muffled techno music plays in house]

[indistinct chatter]

[Jess] We get in, we ask someone, we get out.

[Hannah] I'm having second thoughts.

Maybe we should just go home.

-I kinda want to go home. -It's too late.

-Okay. -[knocking on door]

[Jess] Vodka Heather!

Jess.

-What the fuck is up? -[Jess chuckles]

Damn, I haven't seen you since summer camp.

I didn't know you were hot now.

Oh, thank you. [laughs]

Um, yeah, no, anyway,

thanks, uh-- thank you for sending the address by the way.

We've had kind of, like, a crazy night

-like you wouldn't believe. -Crazy.

Yeah, whatever. Take these.

[Jess] Oh.

[Heather] In it goes, yeah. Bottoms up.

-[Jess] Mm-hmm! -And get in here,

the cops are already on my ass for pissing on the neighbor's lawn.

[Hannah groans]

Serve and protect this ass, you fucking cunts!

[♪ techno music playing on speakers]

So, um, are there any single... [coughs] guys?

Let's just leave.

[coughs] Hey, Hannah!

-I don't know what to do, Jess. -Relax.

How do you even flirt with a lesbian?

Uh, well, how would you want someone to flirt with you?

I don't know, by, like, uh,

giving me a-a bunch of different flowers and they all, like,

represent the different qualities about me.

Wow, you are gay.

-You're not helping. -Okay, okay.

Just, just tell them that they smell nice.

-Everyone wants to hear that. -Okay, yeah. Good call.

-Yeah? -Okay.

[Jess] Okay.

I am gonna go hit on Timothée Chalamet.

You are gonna find a hot lesbian and sweep her off her feet.

-Yeah. Uh-huh. -Yeah? Okay?

-Yep. -Alright. You ready?

I guess.

-Meet you on the other side. -Okay.

[Jess] Okay.

[♪ hip-hop music playing]

How do I know who's gay?

-[tires screech] -[car rumbling]

-[brakes squeal] -[Greg groaning]

[crying, muttering]

[groaning, crying]

[cellphone buzzing]

-Hi, Mommy. -Did you find her?

No, she wo-- she won't pick up her phone.

I'm talking about Lucy!

I'm worried sick! That's your sister!

I don't care about the damn dog!

I'm chasing the love of my life.

-Oh, God. -[Greg crying]

Hannah, please.

I know I come on strong,

but it's just because of the amount of love I have in my heart.

[Jacob] Hey, she's not here.

Last I heard, she was with you. I--

[Greg crying, muttering]

-Okay. -She's-She's not with me.

-She's not. -[Jacob] Are you okay?

[sniffles] I don't know.

I'm probably pretty dehydrated because...

I've been crying a lot.

-A lot. -Okay, okay, okay.

Um, you stay here, okay?

I'm gonna get you some water. Okay?

-Okay. -Okay.

-[Greg crying] -You gonna be okay?

-Uh, yeah. -You sure?

-Yeah. [cries] -Okay.

[sobbing]

Think happy thoughts.

No!

[Greg screams]

[♪ "Monacillo" by Argonaut & Wasp playing]

♪ Like a Wall Street widow ♪

That's a good one.

You an Angel Olsen fan?

Are you an Angel Olsen fan?

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, si, si. Um...

-Hmm. -Um, so, yeah, so I know some basics.

Giancarlo. [chuckles]

I like that. [chuckles]

Totally.

Hey, do you want to get a drink?

♪ Find myself in a taxi ride ♪

I got this. I got this.

♪ Forget my apartment ♪

Hey.

What's up?

♪ I take no shit from no one, robbed two banks in Puerto Rico ♪

Oh.

After you. After you. [chuckles]

After me.

Awesome party, you guys. Really killer.

Hi. Hi.

Hey. How's it--

♪ Yes, sir, been misbehaving ♪

-Dammit. -♪ It's the law ♪

♪ Oh, when the day's been calling ♪

-♪ Find myself in a taxi ride ♪ -Um...

Uh, you smell really good.

Oh, sweetheart. [soft laugh] I'm a twink.

-Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. -Don't worry about it.

-Oh, my God. -Now I know I look good.

[both chuckle]

I'm so sorry.

[indistinct chatter, yelling]

♪ Waking in an old cellblock ♪

♪ Forget my apartment ♪

♪ You won't find me ♪

[Hannah] Oh, I'm sorry.

-Get in here. -No, no, no, it's okay.

-I really don't-- - Get the fuck in here.

Move.

Mm.

You look stressed. You want some molly?

Actually, I'm trying to cut back. But thank you.

[pill crunching]

I'm gonna go find Jess.

-[hand slaps] -You need to get high.

-What? -Here.

You know, I used to be just like you.

Sad, no confidence, wetting the bed all the time.

I don't wet the bed.

Until I became Vodka Heather.

Vodka Heather can do anything.

Watch this.

-[skin sizzling] -Whoa! Don't do that!

Kiss each other.

-See? -Yeah, I don't think I want what you have.

You do. It's all about confidence.

Substance-induced confidence.

Don't you think talking to girls would be a lot easier if you were confident?

-Fuck it. -[Heather chuckles]

That's the spirit. Gimme your keys.

[sniffs]

-[keys jingling] -Get down here. Come on.

-[♪ thumping bass music playing] -[muffled guests chattering]

[chuckles] Open wide.

[Hannah sniffs]

[keys rattling]

So? How do you feel?

[♪ dramatic sting]

Gay as hell.

So, do you study film with Heather?

[Jess] Mm.

Yeah, same.

Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, do you wanna go somewhere else to talk?

-Absolutely. -Okay.

[Heather] It's time. Go get 'em, tiger.

Wait, how do I know who's gay?

Uh, it's a first-year college party.

Everyone's gay.

Okay.

[exhales sharply]

-♪ Yeah! ♪ -♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪

♪ Oh oh, oh oh ♪

♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪

♪ Oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪

[♪ chill music playing]

♪ Ah ah ah ah ah, ah ah ♪

♪ Oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh, ah ah ♪

♪ Ah ah ah ♪

You here alone?

Yeah.

[sharp inhale]

Not anymore.

[♪ eerie music playing]

[giggles] Oh. Ooh.

[chuckles] Interesting.

-[door closes] -Um, yeah, no, u-uh, sorry.

I-I'm sorry if I was too forward,

I just, I just wanted to ask you a question

[laughing] Okay.

Yeah, no, I was wondering

if maybe you're free tomorrow to--

Oh, okay.

Yeah, do a little more of that. Um...

[Jess laughs]

Thank you.

[both moaning]

[door closes]

-[both moaning] -[kisses smacking]

Oh, hell yeah.

Okay, my turn. [grunts]

[gasps]

Cool fanny pack.

[fanny pack clatters]

-Hot. -Yeah, it's whatever.

[zipper buzzes]

[Hannah grunts]

Fuck.

You know, actually, I prefer to do it with them on.

[Amber laughs]

[Amber] Who are you?

I'm Hannah motherfuckin' Shapiro.

Wait. My last name's Shapiro. [laughs]

[Hannah] It's a pretty common last name. Where are you from?

Seattle. [chuckles]

Wait. What's your dad's name?

Nate.

With the restaurant?

-Yes. -We're second cousins.

No, we can't--

Wait, was your bat mitzvah theme Twilight?

[Hannah] [gasps] Oh, my God, yeah.

I guess this is why people have family reunions.

-[police sirens wail] -[Amber] Oh, my God. Thank God.

-Holy shit. -You wanna just, uh, pretend

-this never happened? -Hundred percent.

[Amber] Yeah.

Hey, did you know Aunt Marsha died?

[Amber] Jesus. Bad time.

-[door thuds] -[police radio chatter]

[people screaming]

We got a complaint that this house was blasting Charli XCX,

so I know somebody's snorting drugs in here.

Let's dance.

[Hannah] Shit!

Finally, Christ, you pay so much for data,

you'd think Google Translate would work.

[sighs] Okay, um... [clears throat]

Uh...

-Oh, shit! Sorry. -Oh, my God!

-Hannah! -The cops are here! We gotta go!

[footsteps clomping]

Was that guy trying to kill you?

Look, it was either that or intense sexual chemistry,

and I was willing to find out.

-Oh, come on. -[Jess groans]

Eat glass, pigs.

-[bottle shatters] -Run!

Great party!

-[♪ dramatic music playing] -[Jess shrieks]

-[sirens blares] -[people screaming]

[helicopter hovering]

No, wait. Come on.

[sirens wailing]

Shit, shit, shit. What do we do?

I snorted a bunch of drugs.

If they test me, I'm going to jail for sure.

What do you think they're gonna do to me?

I'm a Black teenager who broke a minor law,

I'm their wet fuckin' dream.

-We gotta go over. -[Hannah] Oh, fuck.

[Jess] If we double bounce, we can get enough air

to clear the fence.

[both grunt]

-I got you. -Okay, okay, thanks.

-[Hannah] Okay. -[Jess grunts]

[Jess] Ready? Ninja kick over the fence.

-Hiya! -Yeah, like that, like that. Yeah.

-Hiya! -Ya!

[Hannah] Oh, this is fun!

-[Hannah laughs] -Hey, shut up!

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I think I'm still pretty high.

Give me your hands. Okay, we hop two, turn,

-and count, okay? -Okay. Ah!

[both] One, two, three!

[both scream]

[water splashes]

[water bubbling]

[both gasping]

Holy shit. Oh, my God.

[Jess] We fucking did it!

You're a genius!

I never should have doubted you.

[Jess laughs]

[♪ tense sting]

Are you...

girls?

[Jess] Yes.

[frat bros cheering]

[gulping]

Alright, pace yourself.

[gasping breaths, sniffs]

-Thanks, Jacob. -Yeah.

You have a really calming presence.

I think it's 'cause you remind me of, of...

O-Okay, okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay.

Look, I-I'm-I'm sure everything is, is gonna work out

exactly how it's supposed to, you know?

And ma-maybe Hannah just needs some time to think.

You know, hav-haven't you ever needed time away from her

-to-to-to process or just-- -No.

I would live in her pocket if I could.

Okay. Okay.

I'm-I'm sorry, Jacob. It's just... [sniffles]

-No, no. It's-- -I don't mean to be a burden.

I just, I-I can't be alone right now.

I just can't.

Hey, um, I was gonna go to a concert tonight.

Do you want to come with me to that?

-Thank you! -Oh!

Oh, please.

-Okay. - Can we hold hands in the car?

[indistinct chatter]

[frat bro 1] Oh, your hair's straight again. Cool.

Uh... thanks.

Sorry we had to crash your party. We kind of had no choice.

But, you know, without you guys, we probably would be arrested right now.

Actually, I'd say us somersaulting

through the air is what saved us, but, you know...

Yeah, thank you so much.

Are you kidding? You babes are the ones helping us out.

This was supposed to be our frat's big end of year kegger,

but, [burps] none of the sororities we invited showed up, so...

[frat bros] One, two, three.

[bottles shattering]

-[grunts] -[together] For the boys!

[frat bro 2] You're not coming tonight?

Okay, looks like I took that mandatory consent course for nothing.

-[punch thuds] -[groans]

Wonder why.

-I'm Jess by the way. -Reggie.

So, do you ladies want me to get you some drinks?

Um, we should really be going.

And our parents know our exact locations,

so they'd be able to find us

if for some reason we were blocked from leaving.

-Huh. -[laughs] She's just--

She's just kidding. [laughs]

Hannah, Hannah, can I, can I talk to you over there for a sec?

-[♪ hip-hop music playing] -[indistinct chatter, shouting]

-I think we should stay. -Are you serious?

Frat bros are, like, the most rapey subgroup of men.

I don't get that vibe from Reggie. He seems honest.

God, you have horrible taste in men.

I promise I'll be quick, okay?

I'm ju-- I'll-I'll just feel him out and then ask him right away.

And then we can find the gayest, queerest co-op

slash poetry slam slash vegan restaurant you can imagine.

Come on, he's a hot college guy.

Everyone would freak if I brought him to prom.

Please, Hans.

Fine.

-You're the best. -I know.

Hey, wanna play beer pong?

[Reggie] Rock 'n' roll. Table's this way.

[Hannah] Okay, you know what?

Keep your location on, just in case.

Yes, Mommy.

[clears throat] Hey, so I was wondering if maybe--

-I'm gay. -Coolio. Cool.

Gay is good.

-In-- So you're into sports, then? -I'm gonna go inside.

Yeah. Right on.

-[door thuds] -[sighs]

[narrator] [on TV] The childhood nursery rhyme

"Lemur Lemur, Femur Femur" has long delighted fans

of these petite, wide-eyed, sharply snouted coconut enthusiasts.

While some lemurs are active during the day,

some can be quite active at night...

[narrator continues indistinctly]

[door opens]

[sighs]

Ugh.

-[♪ muffled thumping music playing] -[muffled chatter from outside]

[sniffs]

[groans]

[alcohol swishes]

[zipper buzzes]

[cellphone clicks]

Oh, fuck.

[♪ muffled thumping music continues]

[objects clattering]

[sighs]

[inhales]

[sighs]

-[ball clacks] -[Reggie] Ugh!

[ball clatters]

-Damn, you're pretty good at this. -[Jess] What can I say?

When I know what I want, nothing stops me from getting it.

Same. You know, I actually didn't get into college,

so I just started showing up to the classes.

Now they have to give me a degree.

Mm. You wanna play another round?

Let's do it.

[gasps] The stripper's here!

[frat bros cheering]

Uh, wanna go up to my room instead?

Yeah. Uh, sure.

[Reggie] Alright, cool.

Alright, Jess, it's time to get freaky. Time to get freaky for a prom date.

[slap smacks]

I feel like a woman in STEM right now.

Fucking sisters doin' it for themselves.

Okay.

[keypad clacking]

[cellphone clicks]

[muffled excited chatter]

-[door opens] -[bros chattering]

[Hannah] Jesus.

Uh, s-sorry. Guess I'll just--

Um, can I-- Can-- [grunts]

Fuck.

Alright, listen up, boys!

This is Lexi.

[frat bro] Hi.

Uh, tip well and be respectful 'cause she's a dancer

from the only company that hasn't blacklisted our frat yet.

[frat bros cheering]

Oh, thanks.

[♪ "So What" by Stella Mwangi playing]

[bros gasping, chattering]

♪♪

Oh, sh-- Okay.

Oh, my God. Um...

♪ Baby, I'm hot ♪

♪ Y'all need to set your watch after my clock ♪

♪ So what, baby I'm hot ♪

♪ Y'all need to set your watch after my clock ♪

♪ Clock, tick tock... ♪

Wow. [chuckles]

You're quite the athlete.

Thanks.

I know, my coach says one more concussion

and I'll have to learn to read again.

Oh, that's awful.

I know.

It was so hard the first time.

[Reggie sighs]

Wanna come sit?

I actually need a little help with something.

Yes.

-Just sitting on your bed. -[Reggie chuckles]

-[Jess clears throat] -Okay. Uh...

[papers rustling]

Sorry, they're here somewhere.

Oh, no, take your time. Protection is key.

♪ What you want? ♪

♪ He can speak, but you know... ♪

Um, my bubbe gave me this hundred dollars for graduating. Just--

Aren't you generous?

[frat bros] [chanting] Boobies! Boobies!

Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!

Boobies! Boobies!

[muffled] Boobies! Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!

There they are. [chuckles]

-Let's go. -I'm ready.

What?

I wanted your help to write an email to my mom.

-What? -All the concussions make me

super sensitive to light.

Did I say that already?

I-I can't look at a screen for more than 10 minutes.

Oh. Yeah, no. Uh...

[chuckles] That's-- I, I just thought... [clears throat]

[Reggie] Uh, I mean...

[muffled chanting continues]

...we can do it if you want.

Um, actually, uh, I-I was just, I was gonna see

if you wanted to go to prom?

Wait, you want to go to prom with me? I'd love to.

[frat bros] Boobies! Boobies!

Boobies! Boobies!

Will you go to prom with me?

What was that, sweetheart?

[frat bros] Boobies! Boobies!

Boobies! Boobies!

-[trophies rattling] -Boobies! Boobies!

Are you serious?

Yeah. We'll have the best night of our lives.

[trophy clanks]

[Jess groans]

Reggie?

Boobies! Boobies!

I get the feeling that you boys want me

to take my top off.

[frat bros] Yeah!

No, no, no, no, no. That's okay. You really don't have to do that.

[bros gasping, chuckling]

[excited chatter]

[bros whooping, chattering]

[♪ "So What" continues playing]

♪ Clock, ding dong ♪

♪ Y'all need to set your watch after my clock ♪

[♪ operatic music playing]

[echoing] I don't feel so good.

[distorted] [echoing] What?

[distorted] [echoing] I said...

I don't feel so...

-[items clatter] -[frat bros] Oh!

Reggie?

[gasping breaths] Help! Help!

[♪ "So What" continues playing]

♪ B ut you know I'm hangin' up the phone ♪

♪ And if I really gotta do it on my own ♪

♪ I tell him so what, I'm better off alone ♪

♪ So what, baby I'm hot ♪

Are you okay, sweetie?

-[Hannah sneezes] -[frat bros] Oh!

♪ Baby, I'm hot ♪

♪ Y'all need to set your watch after my clock ♪

[gags] Oh, my God.

[Lexi heaving]

-[retches] -[vomit splashes]

[frat bros groan]

[gasps]

No. No, no, no. No.

You're gonna get us blacklisted.

[Hannah retches]

-[yelps] Oh! -I'm so sorry.

[groans]

-Jess? -[Jess] [muffled] Help!

-Jess? -[muffled] Hannah!

Jess! I hear you!

-Jess? -Hannah, I'm over here!

[Reggie groans]

-Oh, my God. -[Reggie groans]

Oh, I thought you were dead.

-[Jess sighs] -What happened?

[door bangs open]

-Oh, my God! -[Jess] Hannah!

Get off my best friend, you creep!

-[mug shatters] -[Jess screams]

I saved you.

No, you idiot, he was gonna go to prom with me!

Why were you screaming for help?

-Are you bleeding? -Yes! We need to leave.

-Like, now! -Okay, okay, okay.

-Just get him off of me. -Okay!

[Hannah grunts]

Pardon me. [grunts]

-Oh, my foot, my foot. -Okay.

No, I got you. I got you.

-Come here. -Okay.

-Yep. Pull, just pull. -[grunts] Ah!

[Hannah] [grunts] My God!

You don't need to scream.

-Okay, let's go. Come on. -Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

One second. [pants]

[♪ "So What" continues playing, muffled]

-[camera clicks] -Hey, can you get a landscape of us--

-Are you fucking kidding me? -Okay, okay, okay, okay!

[door slams shut]

Oh, my God, I was so close.

What happened back there?

Well, let me think.

Um, you ditched me for a man with the IQ of a ham sandwich,

and then I sneezed blood all over a beautiful woman, so...

[mouths] Fuck.

You know what, I'm just--

This night is over, and I'm just, I'm gonna go home.

Where are my keys?

Where the fuck are my--

Fuck!

Oh, my God, I left them at Heather's after doing that bump.

-Hannah. It's okay. -[Hannah groans]

We're just gonna find another party really quick,

I'm gonna grab a date, and then boom, we're out of there.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I fucked my face, Jess. It's over.

-Hannah, come on, let's just-- -No, no.

We're meeting up with Jacob to grab his keys.

And then you can do whatever you want, okay?

Wait. Wait, you're calling Jacob?

[line ringing]

[♪ "By Your Side" by Go Betty Go playing]

♪ You had your chance, now set me free ♪

♪ There's nothing left, I've got to leave ♪

♪ And now when you reach out, you'll see ♪

-♪ I won't be by your side ♪ -[crowd] [chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

-♪ I can't be by your side ♪ -[crowd cheers]

[Greg] That's something that you gotta learn as a young person.

But they told me that my cartilage is too weak

to handle a punch.

Oh, speaking of fighting, I actually asked Mr. Sanchez

to pair me and Hannah up in the self-defense class.

Little did I know she has a mean right hook.

Knocked me clean out. Concussed.

Never been the same.

But she actually carried me to the nurse's office,

and that was that.

That's when I knew she was the one for me.

I actually still have that gym shirt with the blood on it.

-Yeah, I never washed it. -Wow.

Never will wash it, actually.

-Yeah. -Wow, that-that is crazy.

Hey, um, why don't you go grab us some drinks from the bar?

-Huh? -Oh, no problemo, Jakey.

You know, it's bonkers that it's taken us this long to hang out one on one.

We have such great chemistry.

[Jacob] Okay.

-♪ By your side! ♪ -[cellphone buzzing]

-Hannah. -Yo. Where are you on campus?

I need to borrow your keys.

Hannah, let's just, like, ring the doorbell

until your parents wake up.

Richardson and Wyckoff. Okay.

Yeah, we're, like, 10 minutes' walk from there.

Okay. [sighs]

Yeah, I'm with her right now. Why?

-What the fuck? -[water splashes]

Hello?

Hannah, can--

Okay.

I'm sorry.

If that was some ploy to try and get me

-to stay out with you... -No.

...know it extremely isn't working!

I'm sorry, I thought he was gonna say something.

What are you talking about?

I had sex with Jacob.

When?

When we visited him in January.

No, that's when you had your one-night stand with Johan.

S--

-Johan is Jacob? -I-- [sighs]

[speaker 1] Thanks for making our two-year anniversary so special.

-Boo-boo. -[both laugh]

-[Hannah] No, you didn't. -The night's not over yet.

-[Jess] Yes, I did. Hannah. -Why don't you make a wish?

-[laughs] -[Hannah/Jess continue arguing]

-Okay, I'll make a wish. Okay. -Throw it in there.

-[water splashes] -Oh, my God!

[Jess] I-I didn't know what else to do.

I didn't wanna lie to my best friend about doing it for the first time,

but then I knew I couldn't tell you it was Jacob

'cause then you'd get upset.

Yeah? Well, 'cause we, you know,

talked in graphic detail about that night.

And I literally hyped you up about riding the D.

And now you're telling me the D you rode was my-- Uh.

[Hannah groans, heaves]

-[retches] -[vomit splashes]

-Oh, God. -[Jess] I think I-I might have

genuine feelings for--

I kissed my cousin 'cause of you,

you fucking brother fucker!

-You kissed your what? -[Hannah groans]

[speaker 2] She kissed her cousin?

-I saw a show about this. -[Hannah heaves]

-[Hannah retches] -[vomit splashes]

[speaker 1] Oh, God.

Oh, God. Let's just find a different fountain.

-[speaker 2] That was my last quarter. -[Hannah] Oh!

[speaker 1] Oh, God. No, no.

[Hannah] Oh, my God.

You're a horrible friend.

This whole shitty night only happened

'cause you're obsessed with having the perfect prom night.

-You wanted to find a date too. -Okay.

If it was that bad, you could have just left.

And abandoned you in a frat house?

When have I ever left your side?

I cannot believe I let you drag me out

for the gay prom of my dreams.

Of course, this was always about you.

-Okay. -Do you realize everything is

always about you?

[Jess] If I hadn't convinced you to come,

you would've been crawling right back to Greg

and you would have acted like nothing happened,

that everything was okay, like you always do.

I'm, actually-- I'm being a super-ally right now.

Do not act like you understand

the pressures of coming out 'cause you really don't!

[speaker 2] Oh, so sorry, would you mind keeping it down a little?

We support whatever's going on between the two of you, but we're trying--

-I'll fucking kill you! -Don't you fucking

interrupt my best friend!

-Okay, Jesus Christ. -Okay.

Really romantic to have a moment at a fucking fountain at a college!

-Okay, have a good night. Thank you. -Wow!

-Wow! -[speaker 1] Wow.

-Wow! -Wow!

-Hon. Hon! -Wow!

[Hannah] Hope your wish doesn't come true!

[speaker 1] Well, it did come true! It was to have your face fucked up!

[Jess] Hannah

[cellphone buzzing]

There is no way you're taking that phone call

instead of finishing this with me.

[Jess] I won't have a shot at prom queen without him.

Are you serious?

-[Hannah scoffs] -[cellphone continues buzzing]

Hannah!

-[cellphone continues buzzing] -Fucking--

[sighs]

[♪ somber music playing]

What do you want?

[Luca] [over phone] So, who's the cool guy in the picture that you posted?

Why do you care?

[over phone] You seemed to have your hands pretty full when I came by earlier.

Jess, I'm sorry. Come on.

I made a mistake. She doesn't mean anything to me.

And FYI, she tried to get me to take her to prom

and I said no.

-You are the one I want to go with. -[sighs]

Yeah, well, Hannah and I, we're actually

at this really cool warehouse show at Rutgers,

so I got to go.

[indistinct chatter]

Alright, your Shirley Temple and virgin screwdriver.

Thank you kindly, bartender.

And-And might I add, I am very surprised

that your guys don't ask for ID at this establishment.

I'm 16.

-[♪ rock music playing on speakers] -[patrons chattering]

Whiskey ginger ale.

I don't serve minors.

Can I just sit here?

[vocalist] [over microphone] Alright, for this next song,

we got a very special guest.

Give it up for Angie Adams!

[crowd cheers and applauds]

One, two, three, four!

[♪ lively rock music playing]

Hannah?

-[Jess groans] -[speaker] Watch it!

-Oh, shit, I'm sorry. I-- -No, no, no, it's no problem.

-Hi. -Hi.

Uh, have you, have you seen Hannah?

No. Why? Is everything okay?

Yeah, no, I just, uh, I told her that we did it.

Shit. Um, okay.

How did she take it?

She... she threw up in a fountain and then she ran away.

Better than I expected.

-[chuckles] -Hey, I'm really sorry,

that car ride was super awkward.

I'm sure that your boyfriend is great

and I hope that you guys are really happy together.

-Truly, I-- -Uh, actually, he cheated on me.

That fucker. We should kill him.

-[Jess laughs] -Right?

Uh, hey, do you maybe wanna go sit and talk for a minute?

Uh, yeah.

-Okay. -Okay.

[vocalist] [singing] ♪ You tear it down, whoa-oh ♪

♪ And I'll ♪

Jacob?

[vocalist] ♪ Never make a sound ♪

[crowd cheering]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Hannah?

A-Angie.

What are you doing here?

My sister's crashing here. She invited me to play a little bit.

What are-- what are you doing here?

I came to grab house keys from my brother.

I've... I've had kind of a rough night.

Yeah, I can see that. What happened?

I had the good fortune of seeing someone's boobs for the first time...

[chuckles]

...and then I promptly sneezed blood on them.

[chuckles] Are you serious?

That's incredible.

Start at the beginning. I need to know everything.

I'm actually kind of impressed that you managed

to drop the ball on two potential prom dates.

That's...

Yeah, okay, well, your sister smashing a glass

over the head of one of them didn't help.

Yeah. Yeah, taking down frat bros: the lesbian agenda.

[both chuckle]

What? What are you talking about?

Oh, my God, Jess, come on. She's my sister.

You think I don't know she's gay?

I've caught her trying to leave the house in my jorts, like, 30 times.

Can I ask you something?

Why do you care so much about finding a prom date?

I guess, uh... [sighs]

going alone is kind of like admitting

that no one wanted to go with you.

But going with someone popular means I've made it.

[Greg] Oh, there you are.

You can't leave me like that, Dad-- I mean, Jake.

[sighs] You know I have abandon--

Oh, my God!

If you're here...

-[Jess] No. -...I gotta go get my girl.

-[Jacob] Wait. -[Jess] No, no, no.

[Jacob] Um, I'm gonna go grab him. Go find Hannah.

-[Jess] Okay. -Hannah? Excuse me, sorry.

Hannah! Sorry, guys.

Hannah, where--

-Hannah! -Jess.

Luca.

[♪ "It Haunts You Now" by Go Betty Go playing]

[crowd cheering]

[vocalist] [singing] ♪ Takin' all the places where you've been... ♪

[Angie] So your first time seeing boobs

was in front of 25 frat bros?

That's not how it goes for everyone?

Well, I mean...

Um, I just, I--

I don't know, I feel like you've never done anything

half as embarrassing.

Hey, don't let my fat ass

and perfect personality fool you.

I went to circus camp until I was 15.

You're lying.

Whoa!

[both laugh]

-Yeah. -I have a feeling you use

that trick on all the girls.

Not on all the girls. Just the ones I'm trying to kiss.

Okay, I gotta ask.

Where is the student council kid you're always with?

Greg?

Oh, I broke up with him.

Yeah, I'm a lesbian.

Well, I can't imagine those clothes are really comfortable.

Should we go up to my sister's room

to find you something else?

Yeah, sure.

♪ You're faking all the friends that you made ♪

♪ Simply filling an empty place... ♪

[Greg] Please, please, please?

Has anyone seen a girl named Hannah?

She's 5'5" and the most perfect angel in the world! Please!

-I don't have time for this. - Oh, Jess, I fucked up one time.

It's really over because I made one mistake?

You never treated me properly, Luca.

I did a lot of things wrong.

I should have introduced you to my parents.

I was confused. But I'm not anymore.

-It's too late. -Come on. I swear I can make things right.

I want to go to prom together.

Like together-together.

Prom king and prom queen.

[♪ "It Haunts You Now" continues playing]

[♪ music gets muffled]

So, you can, um,

-put... this on? -[Hannah] Amazing.

Or we can both take our shirts off.

I would like to do that.

Yeah.

-[Hannah grunts] -[Angie chuckles]

[kisses smacking]

[moaning, panting]

Um... wait, sorry.

Not to be, like, so deeply corny,

but will you go to prom with me?

[chuckles] Yeah.

[kisses smacking]

-Is it okay if I undo your-- - Yeah, yeah, of course.

Wait, wait.

Your real last name is Adams, right?

Yeah, why?

Yeah, no, no, nothing, just... just keep going.

[softly] Okay.

[Hannah gasps]

[Hannah moaning]

This is the best night of my life.

[kisses smacking]

[door opens]

-Hannah? -Greg!

What are you doing? I've been looking for you all night.

-I thought you guys broke up? -We did break up.

No, I told you I changed colleges for you, and then you ran out of my house.

Yeah, that's a breakup.

What?

Hannah, how-how could you do this to me?

I'm in love with you.

Because I'm gay, Greg!

And I've always been gay.

And I, I was too afraid to say it before,

but I'm not afraid now.

So I'm sorry, but it's over.

So our relationship was a lie?

Ugh, gross.

[Hannah] No, Angie. No, uh, I can explain!

I want you to be my girlfriend.

Dude, she doesn't want you here. Okay? Why don't you just go home?

[laughs] Who the fuck are you, tall boy?

-[Jess] Guys, please. -I'm average height.

-What are you talking about? -Geez, look at this sweater.

-You get this at a garage sale? -What are you, a Formula 1 racer?

What are you talking about?

-What the fuck? -Judging me what I'm wearing?

-[Jess] Guys. -Eat fist, bitch!

-[punch thuds] -Get the fuck off of him!

Hannah! Hannah, stop, you're gonna make things worse!

Yeah, you tell her, babe!

I'm not afraid to hit a girl.

You just fucking punched him.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I don't do drama.

I'll wait for you in the car.

-[Jacob groans] -Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Yeah. No, it's fine. It's--

It's just my face.

Oh, so now you give a shit?

Take it easy, alright? She was telling him to leave.

They're-They're not together.

Right?

[Jess] I-I just need him for prom.

Are you serious?

-Jacob. -No, it's, it's...

[Hannah laughs]

Don't fucking start, Hannah.

Oh, no, it's just, it's-it's so predictable!

Of course you were gonna get back together with him.

-Of course! -Well, I'm not gonna apologize

for having the confidence to go after what I want.

You know, I hate to break it to you, Jess,

but it's not confidence, it's desperation.

Desperation? You wanna talk about desperation?

You're a lesbian who dated a fucking dude for a year.

Yeah, Jess.

But at least I didn't treat you like dog shit in the process!

No. I guess just Greg.

[Luca] Babe, wrap it up so I can get Taco Bell!

I'm about to hit my fasting window.

Tacos and some lovin'!

You're really gonna let him talk to you like that?

Just so you have a fucking date tomorrow?

You're pathetic.

And you know, the really sad part is that

you know he doesn't care about you.

And you still choose him.

'Cause you're so fucking insecure,

you'd do anything to make people like you!

Well, sorry that I'd rather have one perfect night

than stay an unfuckable reject like you!

[Hannah scoffs]

You know what?

I'm... [sighs]

I'm tired of you assuming

you can just treat me however you want

'cause you know I'll always be there for you.

Have fun at prom with Luca.

I'm done.

Hannah!

[♪ gentle music playing]

[birds chirping outside]

[doorbell chimes]

[sighs]

Last night was fucked. I--

♪♪

[inhales loudly]

Holy shit.

Good afternoon, Hannah.

How'd you get in here?

Your mom let us in.

She gave me a cookie.

The last cookie she'll ever give me.

"Us"?

[Melissa] 'Sup?

I assume you know my date Melissa, from the softball team?

Hi.

Melissa and I have been having a wonderful time so far.

She helped me get my frisbee from the top of the garage.

She helped me dunk my first basketball.

Lifted me up by the shoulders.

-[Hannah] Uh-huh. -Put it right in there.

-Felt like Shaq. -[Hannah] Uh-huh.

[sniffles] I just can't seem to remember you doing anything like that.

Okay. Um, can I talk to you alone for a minute, please?

Um... when you told my mom we broke up, you didn't, like,

tell her I was gay, right?

Of course not.

-[sighs deeply] -Hannah, I'm heartbroken,

I'm not a monster.

I just came to pick up my car.

I left it here last night when I went looking for you.

[sighs] I'm really sorry, Greg.

Did you know the whole time we were dating?

Yeah, pretty much.

I just can't believe it. [scoffs]

All those weekends watching Rachel and Finn sing

their hearts out meant nothing to you.

You're super fun to hang out with,

but, like, I can't change who I am.

You think I'm upset that you're gay?

Yes?

Hannah, I'm upset because you pretended

to be in love with me.

My entire senior year revolved around you,

a-and you were just... using me.

If you had just told me,

I would have pretended to be your boyfriend.

Or if you didn't have the guts to do that,

you should've dumped me.

But you could have at least been a decent friend.

Just so you know, I, uh, I transferred back to Stanford.

So... you don't have to worry about me bothering you anymore.

[Hannah sighs]

[♪ gentle music playing]

[muffled scream]

[pillow thuds]

[sharp exhale]

[car engine starts]

[♪ "BLOOM" by ill peach playing]

[speaker] Woo!

[soccer players] ...55, 56, 57,

58, 59, 60!

[excited chatter]

Oh, that's a full minute, baby! That's a new record!

Let's go! Woo!

That's it! That's it!

All right, dude. You're next.

Yeah, thank you, thank you.

Uh, thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.

-Congrats, bro. -What's up, man?

-Lemme get a picture real quick. -Yeah, let's do it, let's do it.

-Alright. -[Luca] Let's go.

♪ That sparkle ♪

♪ It goes away and then you know ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Excuses start to weigh more than gold ♪

♪ Ohh, ohh ♪

♪ Ohh, ohh ♪

What's up, sourpuss? Want some bubbly?

No.

Okay. More for me.

You know, I kinda wish we were going straight

to the after party, if ya know what I mean.

[sings] ♪ I used a condom with Janine, so we don't have to ♪

What?

You should be amped, it smells great down there.

-Okay. -Ooh, I know.

Do you wanna meet my parents?

Yeah.

Alright, let me go find my mom.

Mom! Come meet Jess, you slut!

Hey, sorry to bother you, would you mind taking a picture of us?

Keara's absolutely beefing the self-timer.

It's not me, you bitch, it's Jordan's janky Android.

Just use yours.

Please, no. I share an iCloud account with my parents,

and I know one of you is gonna flash tit.

[Jess] I can just take it on my phone and AirDrop it.

Perfect. Yeah.

[all giggling]

Guess Anne and Carm are missing out on my nips again this year.

[laughter]

[group giggles]

-I got it. -[Alanah] Ugh, you're an angel.

Come take a picture with us. Hannah too, obviously.

[Keara] Oh, yeah, go get her.

Um... no, yeah, actually, I'm gonna go pick her up.

But we'll meet you guys at prom. A-And you look really cute by the way.

-[Alanah] You too! -[Keara] See you there!

Time to meet my slam piece.

[exhales] Jess?

[line beeping]

[automated voice] [on phone] The number you've dialed is not in service.

[Jess] Ugh. Fucking fountain phone!

[sighs]

Twenty-seven minutes?

[engine roaring]

[♪ upbeat adventurous music playing]

[button beeps]

-Home? -[dog barking]

♪♪

Hannah! I'm a fucking idiot, okay?

You were right, I was putting dudes ahead of you,

which literally makes no sense

because nothing could compare to our friendship!

I won't go to prom without you!

Hey.

She's not here.

Jacob.

[window thuds]

[sighs]

[door opens]

It's all you, doggie.

♪♪

-[automated voice] Lucy. -[Lucy barks]

Ah!

Oh, Lucy!

-[Lucy barking] -[Barb] Oh, hi.

Oh, yes, you're home!

Where were you?

-[Lucy barks] -[Barb] Where was my baby?

-[Lucy barking] -[Barb] Oh, yes, yes!

I love you! I was so worried about my baby!

-[Lucy barking] -[Barb] You're my little baby!

-[engine starts] -Oh, yes. Oh.

-Like, it looks bad, but-- -Does it hurt?

Uh, yeah, I mean, probably about as much as a trophy to the head.

[Jess] I'm so sorry.

-Ah. -For everything.

You've been so great, and I just keep fucking it up.

Well, this might be my head injury talking,

but I still like you.

I like you, too.

But we probably shouldn't do this right now.

Right, yeah. No, you-you gotta figure things out with Hannah first.

Yeah, and I, um...

I should really just focus on myself for a bit,

make sure I'm dating for the right reasons.

Self-awareness. Gross.

[both laugh]

Look, I don't expect you to wait for me or anything.

But when I'm ready, you'll be the first person I call.

Deal.

It's probably for the best that we don't start dating now.

I lent Hannah my tux for prom,

so if you had asked me, it would have just been this.

Wait. Hannah went to prom?

Eh, she said something about meeting up with the drama club.

What...?

Did you steal Luca's car?

Yes, I did.

[Jacob] God, that's hot.

[chuckles]

[♪ "Kiss Me Right Now" by Tatyana playing]

[students chattering]

♪ Walked in the room, I couldn't look away ♪

♪ Stop me dead with that electric gaze ♪

♪ Something so comforting about your face ♪

♪ I don't know how, but we might be the same ♪

♪ Never expected I would feel this way ♪

♪ I keep my head down, take it day by day ♪

♪ I turned those feelings off so long ago ♪

Oh, my God, hurry up. We're so late.

♪ I always thought it'd be impossible, but ♪

-♪ You could kiss me right now ♪ -Hey.

Hey! Where's Jess?

How should I know, Hanky?

♪ I’ve been dreaming 'bout it... ♪

We're all set up backstage. Ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Grace.

[sighs]

♪ Mm-hmm, yeah ♪

♪ You could kiss me right now ♪

-♪ I don't understand it, no ♪ -[indistinct chatter]

♪ But I'm not gonna fight it... ♪

-[stops music] -Hey, ho, everybody, hold up.

One second, hold up, stop dancing.

Alright, we're gonna take a quick break from the tunes

because the student fire marshal is here to give us

a brief safety announcement, okay?

It's very important.

And then after that, you can believe

that DJ Tony Turnpike is gonna be back

with the noise.

The noise and the boys. You understand?

That's all slang for--

I actually don't know what it's for.

-Here you go, Hannah. You go ahead. -Okay. Thanks.

-I'll leave you with this. -[air horn blaring]

[automated voice] Bush did 9/11.

♪ Oh, Lord ♪

Check that out.

[crowd murmurs]

[Hannah clears throat]

Hello, everybody in my grade.

I'm sorry to say that I am not up here to provide safety information,

as the title "student fire marshal" is completely made up.

[students gasping]

Student fire marshal's not real?

I was the student fire marshal.

Okay. Thank you.

I'm actually up here tonight because

I owe someone an apology.

This person is never anything less than himself

and taught me that I shouldn't be either.

So...

I have something I need to say.

I'm a lesbian.

[crowd whoops and cheers]

And even though it's, like, really scary to admit,

it feels way better than continuing

to pretend I'm something I'm not.

[crowd applauds]

Woo!

[crowd cheering]

-Why are we clapping? -[Alanah/Keara] Shh!

[Hannah] Now, I'm not as good a performer as he is,

but his love language is grand gestures, so...

[♪ music for Frank Sinatra's "L.O.V.E." playing]

Greg, our relationship might be over,

but I hope we can stay friends forever.

I love ya, buddy.

[sings] ♪ G is for a guy who loves his Glee ♪

♪ R is 'cause a ray of sun is he ♪

Guys, I'm Greg! She's singing about me!

♪ ...is very, very extraordinary ♪

-♪ G-- ♪ -[Luca] Gay!

♪ Even more of that special Greg that we adore ♪

Hey. Shut the fuck up.

Hey. Where have you been?

What Hannah's doing is braver than anything

you've ever done in your entire life.

[Luca] Okay, chill. I was just kidding.

I didn't think that you two were friends anymore anyway.

Yeah, well, you were wrong. She's my best friend.

I'm just gonna be honest. You're kinda being a super mega bitch right now.

[♪ "L.O.V.E." continues playing]

-[corsage clatters] -We're done.

So you're gonna spend prom alone?

-♪ Greg ♪ -I'm not alone. I have her.

♪ Is a real friend when you're in need ♪

Alright, swag. Have fun with Dykey D.

♪ Greg has always been right there for me ♪

[Hannah] It's true.

-♪ Greg's... ♪ -[punch thuds]

[students gasping]

[♪ "L.O.V.E." continues playing]

-[microphone feedback squeals] -Uh, thank you, fire marshal.

Thank you so much.

Uh, very, uh, interesting announcement.

That got a little bit weird, folks, uh, in here,

so let's move right on to the love

with the first slow dance of the evening.

If you touch anything that seems to be changing size,

just take your hand right off it, okay?

The most important part about the pact is that this is our night.

It would be nothing without you.

-I love you. -Oh. I love you too.

[♪ "I Won't Fight It" by Andrew Belle playing]

May I have this dance?

Oh, I'd love nothing more.

♪♪

[both laughing]

I'm sorry for what I said.

I was projecting, and it was wrong.

[Hannah] It's okay.

I probably shouldn't have freaked out about you and Jacob.

If you guys really like each other,

I'm nothing but happy for you.

Thanks, Hans, but I, I am gonna take a break

from serious relationships right now.

Does that mean you're breaking up with me?

Oh, no, we are more than serious, bitch.

We are terminal. You are never getting rid of me.

-[Hannah laughs] -Ever.

Good. [chuckles]

♪ I won't fight it, I won't ♪

I'm gonna go get a drink.

Wait, did you...?

-Maybe. -[Jess gasps]

-Hannah! -Yeah.

Yeah. Unfuckable reject, who?

Oh, God. Yeah, okay.

Um... sorry, again.

Yeah, it was actually the greatest thing to ever happen.

Like, she came on to me.

-As well she should. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Alright, well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get out of your way.

Mm-hmm.

♪ A sharp tongue ♪

-Love you. -I love you.

♪ It’s obvious ♪

-Okay. -[Jess squeals]

♪ There’s a room in a hospital where your body is ♪

[Jess laughs]

♪ The B-bridge... ♪

Quite a show.

[Hannah] [chuckles] Thank you.

Yeah, if you don't watch your back, I'm gonna start stealing your gigs.

I'm... I'm really sorry I dragged you into my shit.

It wasn't right.

But I wasn't lying when I said hanging out with you was the best night of my life.

So, now that everything's just,

phew, out in the open,

I just, I feel like there's one thing left to ask.

Will you be my girlfriend?

Uh, I... I don't think so.

-Huh? -Uh, we, like, hooked up once.

Yeah, no, I just, I'm...

[stammers] We-we were so connected. I--

Yeah. Uh,

I mean, look, I-I think you're great,

and obviously I'm attracted to you,

but it's, like, you just came out.

To, like, the whole school in a musical number?

[Hannah] Mm.

Just feel like you have a few things to sort out identity-wise.

Yeah. Yeah, no, that, that, that, like, fully makes sense.

Yeah, for sure.

Do you have any queer friends?

Well, if it's not too awkward, I'd love to be your first.

Yeah, sure.

Is it normal for lesbians to be friends with the people they've hooked up with?

[chuckles]

You have so much to learn.

[both chuckle]

-I know. -[both laugh]

[Greg] Softball's harder than baseball, that's what you're saying?

Do you mind if I cut in?

[Melissa] Nah, it's cool.

Grace. Um, great moves up there.

-[Grace chuckles] -How's your night going?

Really good.

Um, but, Greg, I actually have something to tell you.

[deep breath]

I only helped with your promposal

because I wanted to spend time with you.

And when I learned your top choice for college was Stanford,

that's the only place I applied.

One time after gym class,

I even snuck into the shower you used

and collected some of your hair.

I keep it in my locket, and every so often,

I sniff it for good luck.

I'm in love with you, Greg.

[Greg] You were the best banana.

I love you, too. I think.

[♪ romantic music playing]

[Hannah/Jess gasp]

[Hannah] Damn!

-Okay. -Okay, Greg.

Wow!

-That's happening right now. -Wow.

-Awesome for them. -I'm so scared.

Hey, h-how did it go with Angie?

It's pretty bad.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Yeah.

We're gonna be friends.

That's good.

[Hannah sighs]

-Prom kinda-- -Sucks, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Um, wanna get out of here?

Fuck yeah.

What are you thinking, Maps? Say It Ain't So?

Mm.

Definitely both classics, but I want something harder.

-Mm. -Fuck.

What?

We didn't take prom pics.

Give me your phone.

Come on.

[camera shutter clicking]

Done.

[indistinct cheering on TV]

Mm! Bitch, pay attention.

-It's starting. -Mm!

-Okay. Are you ready? -Fuck yeah.

Alright. One, two, one, two, three!

[♪ The Killers' "When You Were Young" by Julia Lester & AHR playing]

♪ You sit there in your heartache ♪

♪ Waiting on some beautiful boy to ♪

♪ To save you from your old ways ♪

♪ You play forgiveness ♪

♪ Watch it now, here he comes ♪

♪ He doesn't look a thing like Jesus ♪

♪ But he talks like a gentleman ♪

♪ Like you imagined when you were young ♪

♪ Can we climb this mountain, I don't know ♪

♪ Higher now than ever before ♪

♪ I know we can make it if we take it slow ♪

♪ Let's take it easy ♪

♪ Easy now, watch it go ♪

♪ We're burning down the highway skyline ♪

♪ On the back of a hurricane ♪

♪ That started turning when you were young ♪

♪ When you were young ♪

♪ And sometimes you close your eyes ♪

♪ And see the place where you used to live ♪

♪ When you were young ♪

[♪ lively rock music playing]

♪ They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet ♪

♪ You don't have to drink right now ♪

♪ But you can dip your feet ♪

♪ Every once in a little while ♪

[♪ lively rock music continues]

♪ You sit there in your heartache ♪

♪ Waiting on some beautiful boy to ♪

♪ To save you from your old ways ♪

♪ You play forgiveness ♪

♪ Watch it now, here he comes ♪

♪ He doesn't look a thing like Jesus ♪

♪ But he talks like a gentleman ♪

♪ Like you imagined when you were young ♪

♪ Talks like a gentleman ♪

♪ Like you imagined when you were young ♪

♪ I said he doesn't look a thing like Jesus ♪

♪ He doesn't look a thing like Jesus ♪

♪ But more than you'll ever know ♪

[♪ song ends]

♪ Night-oh ♪

♪ Night-oh ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ Night-oh, night-oh ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

[♪ upbeat electronic music playing]

♪ Please come to prom with me, my Hannah Banana ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ Night, is a night, is a night, is a night ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ Night, is a night, is a night, is a night ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ One foot, two foot, three foot, dance ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪

♪ Six foot, seven foot, eight foot, dance ♪

♪ Prom night come and me no wanna go alone ♪