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1 All right, this looks like half a day's work,

so I say we charge for two days.

What do you think, Dad?

Dad, should we charge the client for two days?

Two days, a week, infinity. Who cares?

It's all just a slow march to death anyways.

What are you listening to?

"Teardrops on My Guitar" by Taylor Swift,

the ten-minute version?

You have been acting emo all week.

We need this job, so get it together, man.

You get it together, man!

So lay it on me. What's the damage?

Well, I know this price looks steep, Lisa.

Oh.

This is the cheapest estimate I've gotten so far.

Damn it!

I mean, why are other movers so greedy?

But rest assured, we will treat your belongings

as if they were our own.

It is the Lop-E-Z way.

I'm not moving out.

My terrible ex is.

And he was careless with our relationship,

so you can be careless with his crap.

Being careless with people's crap is also Lop-E-Z way.

You're funny.

You also have an amazing head of hair.

I should know.

- I'm a stylist to the stars. - Oh.

I did Halle Berry's pixie and Bernie Sanders' eyebrows.

So let me know if you ever want a private consultation.

No, thank you.

Let me go get you some free samples

from my product line, Hair Slut.

What is wrong with my dad?

That woman is flirting with him,

and he's not chasing her around like some cartoon skunk.

It might be the edible we split for breakfast.

Ah.

Or the fact that he's in love with someone

who does not love him back.

In love with someone?

Who?

I'm not allowed to tell you because it's your mom.

My dad is in love my mom?

Oh, my God, thank God you already know.

See, I was so worried all day

that I'd be so high that I might tell you.

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ ♪

Quinten, stop what you're doing.

I have hot family tea that has been burning

my lips all the way home.

Girl, you better sit and spill.

My dad is in love with my mom again.

What, like the first time wasn't bad enough?

I don't know how to feel about this.

What if she rejects him?

He doesn't know how to deal with his emotions.

He might start drinking again.

Or if she's crazy enough to take him back,

it'll ruin the healthy relationship

that she has with Josué.

There is no chance she's gonna choose George over Josué.

Josué is a stallion.

And George is like a donkey whose parents were related.

I'm glad you're here, gordo,

'cause it's time that the two most important men

in my life met.

I've told you, I don't want to meet Jesus

if it means I have to get dunked in a river.

He's someone very, very special to me.

Chance, this is my boyfriend, Josué.

It is a pleasure to meet you, Chance.

I heard so much about you.

So much.

It's almost the only thing we talk about.

Yeah.

I'm kind of a big deal around here.

Especially since I lost this tooth.

Oh.

Your mommy and daddy already met Josué,

and they love him.

In fact, your mommy told me that she wished I was her dad.

I mean, it was a joke.

But in every joke, un poquito the truth.

How is that funny?

Well, you probably don't get it because you're too young.

Oh, no, I get it.

I'm asking, how is that funny?

I've lost my appetite.

Isn't he cute?

There's my favorite head of hair.

When are we gonna get you out of these tight coveralls

and into my salon chair?

You don't want me to take these off.

It's an awkward 20-minute process.

I bet I could do it in 10.

Dad, Lisa seems really into you.

And she can see and hear and everything.

No. The only thing a rich woman like that wants

from a guy like me is to help her dispose of a murder weapon.

I know why you're ignoring her.

Oscar told me about you and Mom.

Oscar, you little gossip toad.

Dad, you and Mom are finally in a good place.

We can all be in the same room at the same time.

Why would you want to ruin that?

You don't have to worry, all right?

'Cause I could never compete with a guy like Josué.

And I don't think I have the courage

to tell your mom how I really feel.

So I'm just gonna eat pan Dulce

and listen to Tay-Tay until I die-die.

Dad, I want you to be happy.

What if you asked out Lisa to get your mind off Mom?

You don't have anything to lose–

except maybe your split ends.

I think Mayan's right. You do have split ends.

Also that thing about Lisa being into you.

Even if that's true,

I can't think of anything but Rosie right now.

Too bad, because if Rosie saw you and Lisa,

boy, would she be jealous.

You really think so?

I spilled water on myself; so I had to change.

I'm back.

Oh, I think so.

♪ ♪

Before you throw paint…

it's faux.

- How was your date? - Fabulous.

Lisa's beautiful, rich, smart…

everything I'm looking for.

Why did you say it all evil like that?

Hello, Rosemary.

Your daughter and I were just talking about my date.

Did you take her dogsledding?

No. Lisa and I went to a restaurant

where the lobster was so fresh, it whispered in my ear.

Lisa's company empowers women every day.

Maybe you've heard of it– Hair Slut.

Ah. You're dating a slut.

That's on brand.

I see what you're doing.

You're using Lisa to make Mom jealous.

You told me you weren't gonna act

- on your feelings for Mom. - I'm not.

But I can't help it if your mom sees me with another woman

and gets jealous and forgets Josué even exists.

Where-sué.

Who-sué.

No-sué.

We're here.

And Josué brought you a gift, gordo.

The limited-edition

Jurassic Apex Predator Dinosword.

I spared no expense.

It was $175.92.

That is so nice of you, Josué.

Now that you've met Chance,

we should all have a nice dinner together.

Oh, I would love that.

Thank you for welcoming me into your family, Mayan.

Is Grandpa gonna come?

I said nice dinner, so, no.

I'm gonna go salt and pepper their pots

and pray that some of the seasoning sticks.

So do you like the sword?

Your nana tells me you're a good student,

so you deserve only the best.

Maybe you can use this sword to cut the crap.

Uh…

have I done something to offend you, Chance?

You're moving in on nana, and she's mine.

But she can be yours and mine.

You clearly don't know how love works.

And nana's gonna pick me 'cause I won her heart

eight years ago when my first words were "nana."

Well, we'll see about that.

She likes the way I say her name, too.

Rosie.

Let's settle this like the adorable men we are.

I challenge you to a charm-off.

Well, I accept.

My name is Josué Montoya.

You will not take my Rosie.

Prepare to cry.

I was born crying.

Thank God my dad is not here to ruin dinner.

I'm gonna make Josué feel like part of the family

so that my mom sees that he belongs with her

and that my dad belongs in a Muppet rock band.

Well, that's why I made

some of my family's traditional Dutch recipes–

bitterballen, vollkornbrot, and snert.

I love it when you talk snert-y to me.

Mm.

Hola, mi amor.

Hola.

Un ramo de rosas para mi Rosie.

Ay, Josué, these are beautiful.

Aren't these beautiful, Chance?

I can't afford fancy roses.

But on my way to school,

I spotted this beautiful daisy,

and it reminded me of you.

Ahh!

This is worth more than all the roses in the world.

Oh!

But these are nice, too.

I'm gonna go put these in water.

Tickle.

Pro tip, always keep a daisy in your pocket.

Here.

Put it on your grave, 'cause you're dead.

Well, the night is young,

and I don't have a bedtime.

♪ ♪

The first course of Quinten's dinner

of Dutch delights is Hollandse nieuwe haring.

Ooh.

It's pickled herring with fermented onions.

Ah.

Buenos salutations, family.

Hi. I hope we're not interrupting.

Dad, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be at a jazz concert.

Mayan, you're such a pill.

We were on our way,

and then I realized that I hate jazz.

Family–

and Josué–

I want you to meet someone who's very important to me.

Lisa…

What's your last name, baby?

Perry.

Enchanté.

Yes.

Lisa Perry Enchanté.

That's right.

She's Italian.

Isn't George a gas?

From 2:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m., yes.

Lisa.

You seem like an intelligent, worldly woman.

How does George fit into that?

You know, I think you guys have had enough appetizers.

Oh, we haven't had any.

There is an old Dutch saying,

appetizers are for losers and Belgians.

Quinten.

Help me clear some plates?

Lisa, will you tell Rosie

why you can't get enough of all of this?

Well, George makes me laugh.

And I just love how he was never scared of me.

You know, so many men are intimidated

by smart, successful women.

Well, there's nothing I find more attractive

than a strong and capable woman.

Ay, Josué.

Well, there's nothing I find more attractive

than a woman who makes cookies.

Oh, Chance.

Women aren't just for making cookies.

You must forgive him, mi amor.

He's young, immature,

and sexist.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna go to my room and plot.

I mean pray.

My dad won't stop rubbing Lisa in my mom's face.

Yeah, but I don't think she's getting jealous.

When my mom feels threatened,

she ups her game by reapplying her lipstick.

She's on her 12th coat.

Have I told you how much Lisa loves my hair?

Yes.

Oh, this man is a lion,

and I'm his tamer.

Rawr!

I feel like I'm at the circus right now.

We need to skip the main course

and go straight to dessert.

You want me to skip the zuurkool stamppot

and go straight to the stroopwafels?

I am a child of divorce watching my dad act

like a jungle cat for a hair slut.

Time for dessert.

Oh, what about dinner?

Another Dutch tradition– you skip dinner,

eat dessert as fast as you can,

and then run off in those ugly wooden shoes.

Behold.

A child is born in Bethlehem.

What is going on, gordo?

Why are you wearing your costume

from the Christmas pageant?

Since this dinner is all about family,

I wanted to honor our family members

who are watching over us as angels.

Oh.

Oh.

It's on.

♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ Peace on Earth and mercy mild ♪

♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪

Lisa, I love you.

What?

♪ Joyful all ye nations rise ♪

♪ Join the triumph of the skies ♪

Let's have a kid together. Come on.

Hold on.

♪ With angelic host proclaim ♪

Okay! Enough!

Enough.

I can't do this anymore.

And neither can I.

I can't let you keep doing this.

I am so sorry, Lisa, but my dad has been using you

to make my mom jealous.

He's still in love with her.

What?

Is this true, George?

No.

Yes. I'm sorry.

You used me?

Come on, Lisa, you used me, too.

What other motive

would you have for dating someone like me?

I genuinely liked you.

That is just sick. Are you insane?

Insane enough to do this!

Oh!

What is going on?

Why are you two trying to out-sing each other

like two divas on "RuPaul's Drag Race"?

I'm sorry, Rosie.

Chance and I were engaged in a charm-off to win you over.

That I was clearly winning.

I hadn't hit my high note yet.

If you could hit a note higher than mine,

you need to see a doctor.

Stop it.

This ends right now.

There is room in my life for both of you.

But what about Grandpa?

What do you mean, gordo?

It Josué's a part of our lives,

Grandpa's gonna go away.

He said that Mommy wished he was her dad.

Oh, Chance.

Your mommy was just kidding.

Sort of.

Your grandpa is not going anywhere.

He's part of our family.

And nothing is going to change that.

I could never replace your grandpa, Chance.

His crazy antics are way too fun to miss.

That's what I love about him, too.

And, you know, I've never met anyone

who could match my charm.

Same,

although Churro comes pretty close.

Sorry, Dad, but I had to tell Lisa the truth.

But I did not think that she was gonna go

all "Real Housewives" on you.

Well, I should have never used Lisa

to make your mom jealous.

My feelings for her got me all mixed up,

but I promise I'll– I'll figure it out.

I know you will.

But can you figure out how to get out of those leather pants?

I think they're part of me now.

Lisa left? That's too bad.

She seemed nice.

Wait, you weren't jealous of her?

But you did the whole lipstick thing.

Well, I had to reapply every time

I snuck in a bite of the ropa vieja

I have hidden under the table.

Yeah, actually, Lisa didn't leave.

She wanted to go to the concert, so…

Well, she's waiting in the car.

- I'll see her out there. - George, wait.

I think you should be here for this.

Well, I wanted tonight to be a special night.

It still can be. Shall I reheat the snert?

No.

Well, I wanted to ask this question when Rosie

was surrounded by family and–

and when I had the blessing

of the most important man in her life.

I didn't give any blessing.

Rosie, you are

the most extraordinary woman I've ever known.

Will you please make me the happiest man ever…

and be my wife?

Yes. Yes, Josué. Of course.

Wow. Congratulations, Rosie, Josué.

Thank you, George.

We're cool for now,

but you better be good to my nana,

'cause I'm keeping this Dinosword,

and I know how to use it.

- So happy for you! - That's beautiful.

When are you going to get her a ring?

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