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1
00:00:02,700 --> 00:00:04,300
I had a great dream
last night.
2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,000
Really?
Yeah.
3
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,300
I dreamed I got locked
in a house made of donuts
4
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,300
and I had to eat my way out.
5
00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:12,600
Interesting.
6
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:16,600
I had a similar dream,
only no house and no donuts.
7
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:19,200
Morning.
8
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,300
Morning.
Morning.
9
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:21,800
So, uh...
10
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,200
how'd everybody sleep?
11
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:27,800
Uncle Charlie and I
both had dreams about eating.
12
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,000
Mine was with donuts.
His was something dirty.
13
00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:33,100
He's just guessing.
14
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:35,200
Good guess.
15
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,500
And yes, Alan, we
see your earring.
16
00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:40,800
It's pretty cool, right?
17
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:44,000
Yeah, if you're going to a Wham!
concert with Molly Ringwald.
18
00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:48,600
I think it's cool.
Thank you, Jake.
19
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,800
Can I get my ear pierced?
No.
20
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:51,600
Why not?
21
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,100
You can't keep
the holes you have clean.
22
00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:56,500
And you're too young.
23
00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:58,200
Wait till you're old, desperate,
24
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,000
and living
in your brother's house.
25
00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:01,600
You can mock me all you want,
26
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,100
but there's a certain lady
who thinks it's darn sexy.
27
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:06,600
First of all, I don't need
permission to mock you...
28
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,300
but more importantly,
29
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:11,200
you let some broad talk you
into piercing your ear?
30
00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:14,500
Actually, my ear wasn't
her first choice to pierce.
31
00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:18,100
What else can you pierce?
32
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:22,200
Nothing.
Nothing.
33
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,700
Fine. Don't tell me.
34
00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:25,000
I'll Google it.
35
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:27,100
Don't worry.
36
00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:28,800
He can't
spell "pierce."
37
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,200
He can't spell "Google."
38
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,500
So, who's Princess Poke-a-Hole?
39
00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:39,200
Just a nice young woman with
a sewing needle and a potato.
40
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,700
A potato?
41
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:42,600
Yeah, she, uh, she put it
behind my lobe,
42
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,000
sort of like a pincushion.
43
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,000
Oh. So you're a moron.
44
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:48,000
It's perfectly safe.
45
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,100
She sterilized the needle.
46
00:01:49,100 --> 00:01:50,000
How?
47
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:51,500
With alcohol.
48
00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:55,200
Okay, Kahlua.
49
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,000
Well, I guess I owe morons
an apology.
50
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:02,900
You do know that's the gay ear.
51
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,100
What?
52
00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:13,000
Left ear says "I'm a hipster
from the disco era."
53
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:13,800
Right ear says...
54
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,300
(flamboyantly):
"Let's disco!"
55
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,500
No, no,
th-th-that can't be right.
56
00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:23,200
Okay, don't believe me.
57
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,900
Hey, look who's finally
out of the closet.
58
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:37,500
www.1000fr.com present
59
00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:48,500
Capture:fadeout
sync:FRM@�ۺ���
60
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:49,600
Berta.
61
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,400
Yeah.
What are you doing?
62
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,300
Making your bed.
63
00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,000
Well, I'd like
to take a nap.
64
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,900
Hop in. You can spoon me,
but it ends there.
65
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:01,800
Are you sick?
66
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,000
Yeah, I'm sick.
67
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,900
I'm sick of staying up all night
with a screaming baby
68
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:10,900
while my daughter's out trolling
the waterfront for the father of her next one.
69
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,400
Whoa, that's rough.
70
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,300
Oh, don't feign interest
in my life, Charlie.
71
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,200
Sorry, I, I, I see
a woman in my bed,
72
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,100
I instinctively
start lying.
73
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,800
Close the door on your way out.
74
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:26,800
Okay.
75
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:33,300
No.
76
00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:34,800
No, this is ridiculous.
77
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:36,800
Berta.
Get out.
78
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:37,900
Sleep tight.
79
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:44,500
Hello? Ow!
80
00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:48,100
Uh, hello?
81
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:49,600
Oh, oh, hi.
82
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,900
Uh, no, no, it's, uh,
it's just a little tender.
83
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,200
I'm glad you called.
I, I missed you, too.
84
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,400
Yeah, yeah, last
night was fun.
85
00:03:57,700 --> 00:03:59,500
You won't believe
who's in my bed.
86
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,100
Hang on.
87
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,800
I never do...
88
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,700
but I'm on the
phone right now.
89
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,100
Ow!
90
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:09,000
Ah... damn it.
91
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,000
Uh, listen, how
about tonight?
92
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:12,200
Oh, great, great.
93
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,400
The usual place?
94
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:14,900
All right, well,
see you then.
95
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,000
(chuckles)
Okay. B-Bye.
96
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,800
Berta's in my bed.
97
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,100
Really?
98
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:24,000
Couldn't you just pay her
in cash this week?
99
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:27,800
Ow!
100
00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:31,700
There are some things
we don't joke about.
101
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:34,400
Okay, so...
102
00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:36,100
why is Berta
in your bed?
103
00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:39,200
Apparently, her daughter's been
out partying every night
104
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,800
and Berta's been stuck
with the baby.
105
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,200
Oh, that's got to be rough.
106
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,600
Don't feign interest
in her life, Alan.
107
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:48,200
Sorry.
108
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,400
Oh, hey, hey, listen,
can you watch Jake tonight?
109
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:54,400
Why? You want to see if your
new lady friend can infect other parts of your body?
110
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,100
It's not infected.A certain amount of swelling
is perfectly normal.
111
00:04:58,100 --> 00:04:59,200
Where'd it say that, Alan?
112
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,300
On the potato?
113
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,200
Are you at least going to
tell me who this woman is?
114
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,500
It's nobody you know.
115
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,800
Oh... so I know her.
116
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:14,100
I didn't say that.
117
00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:15,400
You didn't have to.
118
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,000
Now let's see.
119
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,500
Who do I know that you'd
like to keep a secret?
120
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:20,600
You're wasting your time.
121
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,100
One of your ex-wives?
122
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:24,800
Rose? Berta's
daughter?
123
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,500
(laughing):
Berta's daughter?
124
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,200
D-Don't be ridiculous.
125
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,300
Ha... ha-ha.
126
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,600
That's rich.
127
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,000
Ha, ha, ha!
128
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:43,600
* Men... *
129
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,600
I'm tired.
Shouldn't I be in bed?
130
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,200
Shut up and deal.
131
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:51,400
Look, I'll give you back
the money I won.
132
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,200
You didn't win it
till we stop playing.
133
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,000
Now deal.
134
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:57,700
What's he doing up?
135
00:05:57,700 --> 00:05:58,800
Not now, Alan.
136
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:00,700
I'm all in.
137
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,200
Jake, bed.
138
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,000
Hold on, Dad. Call ya.
139
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:06,600
Pocket aces.
140
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:07,800
What do you got?
141
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,700
You heard your father.
Go to bed.
142
00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:13,000
He's been betting
on garbage all night.
143
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,800
You let a 12-year-old
beat you at poker?
144
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:18,900
He's 12 and a half.
145
00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:22,800
What's going on
with your ear, Dumbo?
146
00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:24,900
It's just a little swelling.
147
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:25,900
It's normal.
148
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:29,700
You don't want to be
flying around in circles.
149
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:32,400
It's fine.
150
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,600
Listen, th-there's something
I need to get off my chest.
151
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,600
If you don't see
a doctor soon,it'll be your earlobe.
152
00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:40,100
Are you going
to listen or what?
Sorry.
153
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,500
I'm all ears.
No, wait, that's you.
154
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:44,300
You know what? Forget about it.
155
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:46,200
No, no, no, no,
come on. Talk to me.
(sighs)
156
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:48,300
It's about the girl I'm dating.
157
00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:49,300
Berta's daughter.
158
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,400
How didyou know?
159
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:54,100
Your idiot son doesn't
have a single tell,
160
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,200
but you I can read
like a stop sign.
161
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:58,000
Okay.
162
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,600
I was going to build up
to the big reveal, but I...
163
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,400
Just cut to the chase.
164
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:06,600
You remember how I had
a little crush on Naomi when she was pregnant?
165
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,600
A little crush?
166
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,100
You were like a monkey
trying to hump a watermelon.
167
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,700
Are you going
to let me tell the story?
168
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,400
I'm just fact-checking.
169
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:15,200
Go ahead.
170
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:19,200
Anyway, after she had the baby,
we stayed in touch,
171
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,400
and I got to know her
and the baby and...
172
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:23,800
I'm starting to care
about both of them.
173
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,800
Aw, buddy, you got a heart
as big as your ear.
174
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,700
But you're falling into
the same trap you always do.
175
00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:32,600
What's that?
176
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,700
You're a pathological
rescuer.
177
00:07:35,100 --> 00:07:36,200
Ever since you're
a little kid,
178
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,500
bringing home that
stray three-legged cat.
179
00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:40,000
Oh, yeah, Tippy.
180
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,000
And finding the
sick baby bird...
181
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,500
Mm.
...feeding it with
an eyedropper,nursing it back to health.
182
00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:47,000
Until Tippy ate it.
183
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,100
And it's the same
thing with women.
184
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:53,800
You constantly seek out
these damaged, needy broads.
185
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:55,900
You know, you're right.
186
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:57,500
Maybe subconsciously
I'm hoping
187
00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:59,500
that if I save them,
they'll love me.
188
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:00,600
Perhaps.
189
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,000
Or subconsciously you realize
the only way
190
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,700
an emotionally healthy,
self-supporting woman
191
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:06,800
would pick you up is
on a scavenger hunt.
192
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:10,400
But... we digress.
193
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,100
Please continue with
your star-crossed love story.
194
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:17,500
Well, Naomi and I
have been sneaking around behind Berta's back
195
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:18,400
and...
196
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:19,900
I'm starting
to feel guilty about it.
197
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,200
You want my advice?
198
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:24,500
Live with the guilt
and see a doctor before that thing
grows teeth.
199
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,400
But don't you think
the honorable thing would be to tell Berta?
200
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,400
Sure, honorable's one way to go.
201
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:35,100
But may I remind you that
this is a woman who's been known to lift the stove with one hand
202
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:38,100
in order to beat a mouse
to death with the other.
203
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,700
How much honor you think
that little fella had?
204
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,200
Oh... now you're
just being silly.
205
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,700
I mean, Berta's not going
to physically assault me.
206
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,300
I hope you're right.
207
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:53,500
I've grown to enjoy
these little talks.
208
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:57,900
* Men... *
209
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,700
Why don't you just pay me
what you owe me?
210
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,600
I don't owe you till we're done.
211
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,100
Now throw the dice.
212
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,400
Oh, you just suck.
213
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,900
I wouldn't need a job
if I joined the Army.
214
00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:18,400
You can't join
the Army.
Why not?
215
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:21,100
Because you already are
all that you can be.
216
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:24,900
You remember
my little burden Naomi.
217
00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:27,500
Oh, sure, I remember her.
Hi.
218
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,700
She's got job
interviews
this afternoon.
219
00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:31,300
I'm gonna watch the baby.
220
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,300
How are you going to work
and watch the baby?
221
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:35,000
Who said I was gonna work?
222
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:38,100
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan.
223
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:39,900
Look who's here.
224
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,600
Oh. H-Hello.
Hi.
225
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,500
Um... Nancy, right?
226
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:48,000
Uh, Naomi.
Naomi. Naomi, sure.
227
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:49,300
(chuckling):
Been a long time.
228
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:50,700
Sure has.
229
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:52,200
And this must be
your baby.
230
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,600
Oh, isn't she cute?
231
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,000
Oh, thanks.
232
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,800
And there's
the proud grandma.
233
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:58,700
Look at her beaming.
234
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,800
Well, dip me in butter
and roll me in nuts.
235
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,800
I, too, am shocked.
236
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:09,600
So you're the
sleazeball
237
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,100
she's been running
around with.
238
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,600
Oh, Alan, how could you?
239
00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:15,800
I-It's my fault, Mom.
240
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:16,900
Alan wanted to tell you.
241
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,800
No, no, it's,
it's my responsibility.
242
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,300
If you're gonna do anything,
do it to me.
243
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,500
???
244
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:40,900
????
245
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:43,200
I made you breakfast.
246
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:44,600
Really?
247
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,500
Need to have your morning
tinkle first?
248
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,000
No, I'm okay.
249
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:51,200
Good.
250
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,700
I made all
your favorites:
251
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:55,100
scrambled egg whites,
turkey bacon,
252
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:57,900
rye toast no butter,
decaf coffee.
253
00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,500
Well, thank you.
254
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,800
You eat like a 90-year-old
man with stomach cancer,but I don't judge.
255
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:06,300
So...
256
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,100
what do you and my little girl
have planned for today?
257
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:11,600
Maybe a romantic
walk on the beach?
258
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:12,600
A cozy picnic?
259
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,100
I could pack you a lunch.
260
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,600
Uh, gee, Berta, I don't...
261
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:16,600
Or how about this?
262
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,000
I'll watch the baby
263
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,900
and you two can spend the
afternoon in bed gettin' sticky.
264
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:25,800
Ah, well, uh, as lovely
as that sounds,
265
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,800
I wasn't really planning
on seeing Naomi today.
266
00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:30,700
Why not? What's wrong?
267
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:32,800
Oh, please don't tell me
there's something wrong.
268
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,600
I mean, you ain't much, but
you're the best she ever had.
269
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,700
No, no, nothing's wrong.
270
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:39,600
I just...
271
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,000
I have to go
to work today.
272
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,900
Oh, right.
273
00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:43,900
Silly me.
274
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:47,900
Naomi never dated anybody
with a job before.
275
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,900
At least not one
that's indoors and legal.
276
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,200
I understand.
277
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:55,400
Well, you let me know
if you need anything.
278
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,300
I will.
279
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:57,700
Ironing, groceries?
280
00:11:57,700 --> 00:11:59,300
I could lance that ear for you.
281
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,600
Uh, no, thanks.
282
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,000
I know what I'm doin'.
283
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,400
I spent a summer castrating
sheep in Montana.
284
00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:09,300
I'll keep that in mind.
285
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:11,000
Uh, but I think it's fine.
286
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:12,200
Okay.
287
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,700
You made an old lady
very happy, Alan.
288
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:18,900
I'm...
289
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,000
glad.
290
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,600
Bye-bye now.
291
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:26,300
Bye-bye.
292
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,400
Oh, I am so screwed.
293
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:35,200
Charlie?
294
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:36,900
I'm in the bathroom,
Alan.
295
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:38,500
Um...
296
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,900
I've got kind
of a delicate problem.
297
00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:43,500
The antibiotics are
in my dresser drawer.
298
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:45,900
(toilet flushing)
No, no, it's, it's Berta.
299
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,400
She's being ridiculously nice
to me
300
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,300
and I'm afraid what might happen
if I break up with her daughter.
301
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,000
Oh, you can't break up
with her daughter.
302
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:54,900
Whaddya mean I can't break up
with her?
303
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,300
Well, I guess
you could, but...
304
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:02,500
So what am I
supposed to do,
305
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,900
marry Naomi just
to keep Berta happy?
306
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,700
You don't have
to marry her.
307
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:09,200
Just let the relationship
follow its natural course.
308
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,300
Natural course?
309
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:12,200
Think about it, Alan.
310
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,200
Any woman, given enough time,
will grow to loathe you.
311
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:19,900
My God, you're right.
312
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,000
So I just have to stick it out
with Naomi
313
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,300
until she hates my guts.
314
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:25,600
How long could it take?
315
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,300
BERTA:
Damn it.Charlie, get your lazy ass out
of that bed.
316
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,700
Hello, bright eyes.
317
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:34,800
Hi.
318
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,000
I bagged you a lunch
to take to work.
319
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,000
No kidding.
320
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:38,900
Yeah.
321
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,100
I also tossed in a
packet of vitamin E.
322
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:44,000
Help you chalk up the
old pool cue for Naomi.
323
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:46,500
Thanks.
324
00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:48,300
C'mere, gimme some sugar.
325
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:49,400
Mwah.
326
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,600
Oh, you are so screwed.
327
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:02,100
Here you go.
328
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:05,100
One hot chocolate
for the lactating mommy.
329
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:06,100
Thank you.
330
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,700
I see little Brittany Pam
is having the grande boobaccino.
331
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:10,500
Yeah,
332
00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:12,400
and she's bitin' the straw.
333
00:14:14,700 --> 00:14:16,600
Listen, you got any plans
for Saturday night?
334
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,900
I don't think so. Why?
335
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:21,300
Well, my mom wants to have a big
family dinner over at her place.
336
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:22,900
Family?
337
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:24,100
Uh, whose family?
338
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,900
You know, me, you, Jake,
Charlie, my mom, your mom.
339
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,300
Oh, oh.
340
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:31,300
Well, uh, that sounds like fun.
341
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:32,500
Doesn't it?
Yeah.
342
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,900
Yeah, unfortunately,
I'm busy this Saturday.
343
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,000
But you just said...
344
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,300
I misspoke.
345
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:39,500
Oh, I get it.
346
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,100
I'm not good enough
to meet your mother.
347
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:42,900
Oh, no, no, no,
I'm, I'm just, uh,
348
00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,000
I'm concerned about the baby.
349
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:46,400
Why?
350
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:48,800
Oh, boy, uh,
351
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,200
I was hoping I
wouldn't have to tell you this,
352
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,000
but my mother...
353
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,200
feeds on the souls of the young.
354
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,400
Okay, just forget it.
355
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:01,200
Oh, come on,
Naomi, I mean,
356
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,100
don't you think a family
dinner's pushing things
357
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,100
a little too fast?
358
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:06,900
Too fast?
You weren't worried about things going too fast
on our first date
359
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:08,900
when you chewed
through my nursing bra.
360
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:12,300
In my defense, I didn't
know about the flaps.
361
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:14,900
Well, I thought that
you were different.
362
00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:16,500
I am different.
Ask anybody.
363
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,200
They'll tell ya,
Alan's different.
364
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,100
No, no, no, you're not.
365
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,900
You're just like all the rest.
366
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,900
Flirtsy, squirtsy
and then arriva-dirtsy.
367
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,600
Naomi, I didn't mean...
Well, I'm not that kind of girl anymore.
368
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,800
I'm a mama now and I demand
to be treated with respect!
369
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,000
Sweetie, sweetie,
calm down.
370
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,100
I do respect you.
371
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,000
I just thought the dinner
was a little premature.
372
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,400
Premature?
373
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,900
You weren't worried about being
premature on our first date
374
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,900
when you ruined
a perfectly good sweater!
375
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,100
You know what? You know what?
376
00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:45,200
Saturday's fine.
377
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,600
Dinner sounds great.
We'll be there.
378
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,400
Yeah, damn right
you'll be there.
379
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:52,100
What you never seen a screamin'
woman with a bare boob?
380
00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:00,300
This is just mortifying.
381
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,100
Mom.
382
00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:04,300
It's one thing to diddle
the help, Alan.
383
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,400
It's another thing
to dine with them.
384
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,700
Jake, are you listening
to your iPod?
385
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,700
No.
Well, start.
386
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,400
Naomi is not the help.
387
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:16,900
Oh, forgive ME
388
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:19,600
She's the maid's
round-heeled daughter.
389
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:23,100
I mean, I'd expect this
from Charlie.
390
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:25,200
He'd hump
a grilled cheese sandwich.
391
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:26,900
Thanks, Mom.
392
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,100
You're welcome, darling.
393
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:31,900
And what, pray, is going
on with your ear?
394
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:33,200
Uh, it's fine.
395
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,500
It looks like
a cherry tomato.
396
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,000
His lady friend thinks
it's "darn sexy."
397
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,200
Well, don't worry.
398
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:42,800
I'm guessing you won't
be the only one
399
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,100
at the table tonight
with a raging infection.
400
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,300
It's not infected.
401
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,600
It's got a pulse, Alan.
402
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,500
Look, Mom, there
is no reason to look down your
nose at Naomi.
403
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,700
She and her mother are
decent, hard-working,
404
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:57,100
salt-of-the-Earth people.
405
00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:59,200
Well, pardon me.
406
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:04,700
You know, it's tacky
to arrive empty-handed. Perhaps we should stop
407
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,600
and pickup a box of wine
or some aerosol cheese.
408
00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:10,900
Oh, Mom, you're on fire tonight.
409
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,700
It's the new meds.They mix well with liquor.
410
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,400
Oh, this was a bad idea.
411
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:21,800
Charlie, didn't you tell him
that's the gay ear?
412
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:34,700
This is some
nice flatware.
413
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,800
I, I gave this same pattern
to Charlie for his birthday.
414
00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:39,500
Yeah, he gave it to me.
415
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,100
Next year,
he wants a roasting pan.
416
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,500
You gave away
my flatware?
417
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,600
To be fair, Mom,
I gave it to you.
418
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,800
So, Berta, nice house.
419
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:54,900
When do we take the tour?
420
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,600
Have you been to the can yet?
421
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:57,400
Yeah.
422
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:58,700
You took it.
423
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:00,900
Oh, okay.
424
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:04,900
I wanna make a toast.
425
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,600
Oh, good, a reason to drink.
426
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,500
To Naomi and Alan.
427
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:11,799
Thank God they found each other.
428
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,400
'Cause, let's face it, they were
both running out of options.
429
00:18:14,900 --> 00:18:16,400
Hear, hear.
Hang on, hang on.
430
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,700
Uh, I'd like to propose
an addendum to the toast,
431
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:22,200
uh, a subordinate clause
if you will.
432
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,600
Uh, while Naomi and I are
enjoying each other's company,
433
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,100
we, uh, we are proceeding
434
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:29,100
in a very slow
and cautious manner.
435
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,000
Except when we're having sex.
436
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:33,600
Time and place, Naomi.
437
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:35,600
Time and place,
438
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,900
Yeah, well, I wish you'd spend
a little more time
439
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,600
and aim for the right place.
440
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,200
Oh, God, just kill me now.
441
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:45,300
Jake? Ipod?
442
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:47,000
Headphones?
Thataboy.
443
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,100
Excuse me, uh...
444
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:51,400
I'd like to say a few words
445
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,200
before we fold up
the dining room table
446
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,900
and commence the square dancing.
447
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:59,700
Alan, you're my son
and I love you.
448
00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:03,100
But you and I are through.
449
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:05,400
What?
450
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,800
I just can't bear it anymore.
451
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,400
I have to cut you loose.
452
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:10,600
Is that all it takes?
453
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,300
Hey, Berta, you got
any other daughters?
454
00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:16,000
HECTOR:
Naomi? Are you in there?!
455
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:17,100
Hector?
456
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,700
Go away! Nobody's home!
457
00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:20,500
Mom!
458
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:22,800
If that loser steps one foot
inside this house,
459
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,700
I'm gettin' out my nail gun.
460
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,200
Oh, wonderful, we're gonna be
on an episode of Cops.
461
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:31,700
What are you doing here?
462
00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:33,200
I've come to see my daughter.
463
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:34,700
Is that her?
What do you care?
464
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,800
You ran off.
No, I didn't
run off, mija.
465
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,600
I couldn't get back
across the border.
466
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,000
They're crackin' down
'cause of these damn Arabs.
467
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,200
Why didn't you call me?
468
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,000
I did call.
469
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,800
Didn't your mother
give you my messages?
470
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,200
Whoops.
471
00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,900
Oh, Hector,
I've missed you so much.
472
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,100
I missed you too.
473
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:56,800
Alan.
474
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,300
Yeah?
475
00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:01,300
Your relationship has run
its natural course.
476
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,600
She doesn't hate me yet.
She, she's just like...
477
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:08,800
A toast to Hector and Naomi.
478
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,400
May their love last forever.
479
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,300
What's with your ear?
480
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:16,400
???
481
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,200
�|�|
Berta?
482
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:36,700
Don't bother me, Charlie.
483
00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:38,200
I had a hard night.
484
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:42,600
If you're so tired, why
don't you just stay home?
485
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:43,800
Are you kidding?
486
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,000
Hector invited his entire
family over to see the baby.
487
00:20:47,500 --> 00:20:50,600
It's like the Alamo
over there.
488
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:52,300
Well, for the record,
489
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:53,800
I didn't get
any sleep either.
490
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:57,500
Halfway home
Alan's ear blew up and we had to take him
to the emergency room.
491
00:20:58,700 --> 00:20:59,700
Is he okay?
492
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,200
Yeah, they were able
to save the lobe,
493
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,200
but I don't think
anyone's gonna call it
494
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,000
the gay ear anymore.
495
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:07,900
Huh.
496
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,300
Well, sweet dreams.
497
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:14,300
You too.
498
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:22,014
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9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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