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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Good evening. Coming up,
a major Hollywood movie
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is set to film in Quahog.
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But first, whoever recorded me
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cursing at that freeway
off-ramp veteran,
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please don't post that,
all right, seriously.
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We all have bad days.
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Our top story: The latest Brad Pitt film
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will be shot right here in Quahog.
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Pitt will play former
New Jersey governor
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Chris Christie.
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Brad Pitt is playing Chris Christie?!
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It should be a fat
guy playing that role!
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Chris Christie didn't eat
10,000 Jersey Mike's subs
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just to be played by
a Hollywood pretty boy.
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That's offensive, and I, for
one, will not stand for it.
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Although that's mostly due
to cardiovascular disease.
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I got to sit down.
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Peter, you know, you've
actually got a valid point.
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Oh, boy. Here comes the soapbox.
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It's shameful Hollywood would
pass over the many talented
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plus-sized actors who are much
more deserving of the role.
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- Name two.
- Jonah Hill?
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- He's thin now.
- Uh, Fat Albert?
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- Not real.
- James Corden?
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He's been canceled
for sending eggs back.
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Well, it's just another
example of Hollywood's history
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of exclusionary casting,
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- whitewashing and thin-washing.
- Exactly.
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Like Mike Myers playing an Indian
man in The Love Guru.
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Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans
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playing White Chicks.
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Or Mickey Rooney playing
an offensive stereotype
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of an Asian man in
Breakfast at Tiffany's.
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I don't know that movie,
but I like breakfast.
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Oh, come on, you two.
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You're really offended that
one of the biggest movie stars
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on the planet is coming to
our crap town to shoot a movie?
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I mean, Brad Pitt could put it anywhere,
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- with any of us.
- Facts.
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I mean, when was the last time
a celebrity visited Quahog?
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- Uh, Jared Fogle.
- Who?
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The Subway Guy. Remember?
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He was here for a public appearance.
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Took a shine to Chris for some reason.
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Took him camping.
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Had these weird candies
he'd only let Chris eat.
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How come I don't remember any of this?
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Ah, too many video games, buddy.
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They're rotting your brains.
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Get your hands off me, Jared!
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You're really gonna
complain about Brad Pitt?
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Who cares what role he's playing?!
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Well, that's easy for you to say, Lois.
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Women have no idea what
it's like for us men,
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being held up to impossible
standards of beauty
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in the media.
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Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence has a new movie.
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Eh! Too old. Next.
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Peter, I think you're right to protest.
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- I'll even join you.
- Thanks, Brian.
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Sometimes you just got to
stand up for what's right.
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That's why I stood up to Kanye West.
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Dinosaurs were created
by the Illuminati.
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The government hides
secrets in SpaghettiOs.
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And Hitler would've won Wimbledon
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if he played tennis, bro.
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Sir, sir, sir.
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We do not wear shoes in this house.
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Thank you. Now please
continue about Wimbledon.
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Overweight is overdue!
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Overweight is overdue!
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Wow, I'm impressed, Peter.
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Yeah, it's going great.
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News trucks even showed up to cover it.
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I-I think... I think
those are just food trucks.
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Come on, you know you want some.
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Hi, fellas.
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Oh, hey. Thanks for
coming out to support us.
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"Dangerous Curves Ahead."
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- Oh...
- Right?
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Oh, that is good.
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You get it.
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That... that is clever.
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Am I right?
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That, that's good. That's good.
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- Isn't it, though?
- Yeah, yeah.
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Brian, can you
explain that shirt to me later?
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Protesters were on hand
today at the set of
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the new Chris Christie biopic
being filmed in Quahog.
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They were protesting the casting
of Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt
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in the lead role and
not a person of heft.
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Well, Peter, I'm just
glad you're on the news
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for something other than sitting
on a hamster at a school event.
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Hey, they said they
weren't gonna put that!
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Mr. Griffin, hi.
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I'm Josh Universal from the movie.
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I'm taking a break from
my horrific cocaine habit
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to ask you to sit
down with our producers
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for a "listening session"
to hear your concerns.
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And, on an unrelated note,
can I use your bathroom,
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and does anyone have a rolled-up bill?
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Oh, of course. I got a
special five just for that.
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All right, let's get
zapped and go see a play!
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Hmm. That's odd.
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Mr. Griffin, thank you
for meeting with us.
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Have a seat.
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Not on my lap!
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Sorry. I'm a little nervous.
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Peter Griffin, please meet Brad Pitt.
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George Clooney's boyfriend?
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00:05:01,646 --> 00:05:04,314
No, no. A few years ago,
he was cast in a marriage.
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00:05:04,325 --> 00:05:06,082
Mr. Griffin, we've asked you here
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because we understand you have an issue
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with Brad playing the
lead role in our movie.
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We want to make sure we hear
and ignore all your concerns.
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Look, I know Brad Pitt
is a big star and all,
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but he's playing Chris
Christie, who's a fat guy.
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It seems unfair that the
role didn't go to a fat guy.
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It only makes sense.
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Don't you think we should
cast the best actor,
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letting them interpret the role,
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rather than depending
on physical traits?
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Not if you're taking the
role away from a fat guy.
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But, Mr. Griffin, Brad Pitt
is a highly skilled actor
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who's won an Oscar and lots
of garbage Golden Globes.
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You're not hearing my concerns.
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You don't know the
challenges fat guys face.
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What it's like to have
to rock multiple times
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to get off the couch, or
how it feels to have to poke
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a new hole in your belt with a nail,
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only to realize the end no longer
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tucks into the little loop,
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or the shame of getting thrown out
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of a strip club for touching.
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That last thing doesn't
seem like a weight issue.
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You sound just like the judge!
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Look, the casting of this movie
is offensive to fat people,
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and I won't rest until
it gets shut down.
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Mr. Griffin, look,
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what if we made you our
"official fat guy consultant"?
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Do you think I'm an idiot?
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Yes! What if I told you
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we'll give you a P.A. who
will get you anything you want?
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Deal. 20 Happy Meals, please.
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He's actually Judd Apatow's nephew Zack.
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You can't tell him what to do.
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In fact, you work for him.
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I want you to get me this thing,
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and I can't remember what
it is or where I saw it.
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Wow, I'm gonna learn so
much from his last name.
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The new season of White Lotus is weird.
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Griffins, you are looking
at the Chris Christie movie's
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official fat guy consultant.
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Boy, that's a garbage
title if I ever heard one.
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What? Wait a minute,
so instead of demanding
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they cast a plus-sized actor, you caved
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when they offered you
a meaningless title?
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- What about everything you fought for?
- Don't you see, Brian?
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Now I can work the system
from the inside with dignity.
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Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew?
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Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.
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Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.
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What does a fat guy consultant even do?
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I'm the personal weight-gain
coach for Brad Pitt.
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Wou-Would we get to meet him?
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Sure. My job is to
teach him how to think,
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eat and live like a fat guy.
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So, just like that, you're giving up?
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Brian, I'm a fat guy.
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I got all fired up about something,
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and now I'm tired and
I'd like some custard.
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Guys, I'd like you to meet
my new friend Brad Pitt.
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- Oh, my God!
- Whoa, nice to meet you.
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- Who's this now?
- He's a very famous actor.
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He's like the white Morris Chestnut.
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- Oh, damn!
- Wow!
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I can't believe I'm
sitting here with Brad Pitt.
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I've got so many questions.
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Like, what are the other
rules of Fight Club?
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Well, the first rule is...
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No, I'm clear on the first rule.
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And I know the second rule
is just repeating the first.
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But there's got to be loads more.
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Like, I got to think "no
sack attacks" is on there.
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Hey, Brad. Any chance I could get
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Jennifer Aniston's number from you?
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I know she's got to be a nightmare,
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but she keeps it so freakin' tight.
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00:08:06,145 --> 00:08:08,646
Okay, enough small talk.
Let's do what I brought him here for:
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To break the Internet with a group
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head-smushed-together selfie.
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00:08:15,084 --> 00:08:17,413
Kevin Spacey? Get out of here.
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00:08:17,424 --> 00:08:19,788
You're not allowed to be in
head-smushed-together photos
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00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:20,890
after what you did.
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00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,477
Not guilty on all British counts.
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Oh, that rascal.
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00:08:31,369 --> 00:08:34,070
Hi, you must be Peter's wife. I'm Brad.
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00:08:37,469 --> 00:08:40,576
Oh, I know who you are. I'm...
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00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:42,421
Hi, I'm...
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00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,847
Stewart. Charmed.
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00:08:44,114 --> 00:08:45,780
I know you dump people when they're 40,
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00:08:45,791 --> 00:08:48,550
but that still gives us 39 good years.
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00:08:49,427 --> 00:08:50,883
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt.
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00:08:50,894 --> 00:08:52,814
Um, when you did that movie Snatch,
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did you know that also
means something else?
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00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:56,786
Because it very much does.
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00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:59,180
That's a sticky handshake
you got there, Chris.
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00:08:59,435 --> 00:09:01,471
Peter, I was wondering
if I could spend some time
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00:09:01,482 --> 00:09:03,983
with you and your family,
observing how you live
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00:09:03,994 --> 00:09:06,269
and how you eat, to
prepare for the role.
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00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:07,812
Sure, I'd be glad to help.
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00:09:07,823 --> 00:09:10,064
Wow, I ain't had a
celebrity ask me for a favor
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00:09:10,075 --> 00:09:12,543
since Jeremy Renner asked me
to shovel out his driveway.
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00:09:12,810 --> 00:09:16,455
Uh, Jeremy,
in light of recent events, uh...
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00:09:16,613 --> 00:09:18,600
could ol' Pete borrow your skis?
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00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:24,871
Okay, Brad, I'm gonna
teach you to be a fat guy.
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00:09:24,882 --> 00:09:26,957
For starters, this is where we eat.
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00:09:27,092 --> 00:09:30,035
Um, excuse me, Mr.
Pitt, but would you mind
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00:09:30,046 --> 00:09:31,729
if I FaceTime my friends with you here?
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00:09:31,881 --> 00:09:34,139
Oh, my God, they'll go crazy!
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00:09:34,233 --> 00:09:35,658
Sure, Meg, it'd be my pleasure.
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00:09:47,839 --> 00:09:49,505
Oh, boy.
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00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:52,883
Oh, this-this is sad.
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00:09:54,482 --> 00:09:57,926
Oh, this-this is just... Oh...
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00:09:58,643 --> 00:10:00,424
Why don't I just take this, dear.
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00:10:06,999 --> 00:10:09,166
Okay, Brad, now, another
fat guy rule is that
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00:10:09,177 --> 00:10:11,252
when you're out at
restaurants, always act like
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00:10:11,408 --> 00:10:12,907
you're on the fence about dessert.
238
00:10:13,022 --> 00:10:15,029
So, folks, we thinking dessert?
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00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,815
Seriously? You must be joking.
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00:10:16,826 --> 00:10:19,602
I cannot move. No, sir. No way.
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00:10:19,613 --> 00:10:21,205
Absolutely stuffed to the gills.
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00:10:21,513 --> 00:10:23,020
Gonna have to take a rain check.
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00:10:23,031 --> 00:10:25,181
Although... No, no, I
can't even suggest it.
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00:10:25,308 --> 00:10:28,583
We are done. Done-a-roo. Check, please.
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00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:30,236
Although... just thinking,
246
00:10:30,247 --> 00:10:31,896
I don't know when we'll be back here.
247
00:10:31,907 --> 00:10:33,665
I read about the
award-winning pastry chef...
248
00:10:33,817 --> 00:10:35,483
Wait, what am I saying? No! No.
249
00:10:35,494 --> 00:10:36,719
Stop me, please, someone, please.
250
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,562
Bring the check now.
251
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:40,905
Okay, you know what, we'll get
one order and we'll all share.
252
00:10:40,916 --> 00:10:42,841
One dessert, one dish, five spoons.
253
00:10:43,068 --> 00:10:44,401
Whoever wants can have some.
254
00:10:44,419 --> 00:10:46,345
One plate. One of everything. My plate.
255
00:10:46,496 --> 00:10:48,430
One spoon. No share.
256
00:10:51,427 --> 00:10:53,278
Now, Brad, if you're gonna
play a fat guy on camera,
257
00:10:53,289 --> 00:10:55,550
you got to learn how
to do the rope swing.
258
00:10:58,314 --> 00:11:00,040
Okay, let me show you how it's done.
259
00:11:05,193 --> 00:11:07,435
900,000 views.
260
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:09,759
- I'm learning so much.
- That's great.
261
00:11:09,853 --> 00:11:11,761
Hey, can you click
on a porn site for me?
262
00:11:11,780 --> 00:11:13,279
Otherwise I got to peck it with my nose
263
00:11:13,432 --> 00:11:15,332
like a tic-tac-toe chicken.
264
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:23,764
Here you go.
265
00:11:23,775 --> 00:11:25,217
Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin.
266
00:11:25,337 --> 00:11:26,934
I love a home-cooked meal.
267
00:11:26,945 --> 00:11:29,537
Well, we are so happy to have you.
268
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:31,105
- How's Shiloh?
- Who?
269
00:11:31,116 --> 00:11:32,540
- How's Maddox?
- Who?
270
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,208
- How's Zahara?
- Who?
271
00:11:34,228 --> 00:11:35,560
- How's Pax?
- Who?
272
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:36,961
- How's Vivienne?
- Who?
273
00:11:36,972 --> 00:11:38,444
- How's Knox?
- Who?
274
00:11:38,455 --> 00:11:40,288
Ignore her, she can be so annoying.
275
00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:42,058
Sometimes I wish I had a private plane
276
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,908
just so I could choke her on it.
277
00:11:48,154 --> 00:11:49,356
Hey, can I get you anything?
278
00:11:49,367 --> 00:11:52,460
Another pork-n-Cheetos
sandwich or a buffalo latte?
279
00:11:52,471 --> 00:11:53,728
I'm good, Peter, thanks.
280
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,155
Brad, you're up!
281
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,994
- Ah!
- Brad? Are you okay?
282
00:12:01,146 --> 00:12:03,738
My back. I threw out
my back. I can't move.
283
00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:05,714
Hey, since you can't
really move right now,
284
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,466
this is probably a good time to ask,
285
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,310
what's Juliette Lewis really like?
286
00:12:09,321 --> 00:12:12,246
Nice. Talented. Professional.
287
00:12:12,512 --> 00:12:15,304
- A little shrill.
- Yeah, a little shrill. Yeah, that sounds right.
288
00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:20,988
I don't think I can walk.
289
00:12:20,999 --> 00:12:23,016
We can't push back
our schedule any more.
290
00:12:23,027 --> 00:12:24,982
If Brad's injured, what are we gonna do?
291
00:12:24,993 --> 00:12:26,643
We'll need a new Chris Christie.
292
00:12:26,654 --> 00:12:30,039
But who could possibly play
that role on such short notice?
293
00:12:31,181 --> 00:12:32,842
I can play that role.
294
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:34,944
Griffin, you're not even an actor.
295
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,530
No, but what I am is a real fat guy.
296
00:12:37,617 --> 00:12:39,283
Brad Pitt was never the right choice.
297
00:12:39,293 --> 00:12:42,276
This role calls for real-life
fat guy authenticity.
298
00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:44,361
I mean, would
Transparent have been as good
299
00:12:44,455 --> 00:12:46,121
if they just put a guy in a dress?
300
00:12:46,132 --> 00:12:47,948
Would Neil Patrick
Harris have been as funny
301
00:12:47,959 --> 00:12:49,533
on How I Met Your Mother if he wasn't
302
00:12:49,544 --> 00:12:51,891
a known heterosexual horndog?
303
00:12:51,902 --> 00:12:53,569
Would Tropic Thunder
have been as authentic
304
00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:57,039
if Robert Downey Jr. wasn't
a dignified Black man?
305
00:12:57,869 --> 00:12:59,627
We're in a jam. What do you think?
306
00:12:59,796 --> 00:13:01,462
I don't think we have any other choice.
307
00:13:01,844 --> 00:13:03,873
All right, Griffin, you got the part.
308
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,791
Awesome! I'm gonna FaceTime my friends.
309
00:13:05,802 --> 00:13:07,560
They're gonna be so excited for me.
310
00:13:13,866 --> 00:13:15,533
Oh, boy.
311
00:13:16,651 --> 00:13:18,410
Oh, this-this is sad.
312
00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:26,620
We now return to a steamy business drama
313
00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:28,723
where no one understands
what's happening.
314
00:13:28,743 --> 00:13:31,334
Are you saying we should
forge the EBITDA projections
315
00:13:31,345 --> 00:13:32,919
- for the quarterlies?
- No.
316
00:13:32,930 --> 00:13:34,486
I'm saying we declare a revenue-miss
317
00:13:34,497 --> 00:13:35,997
while issuing additional shares
318
00:13:36,174 --> 00:13:38,582
based on reduced
capitalization estimates.
319
00:13:38,601 --> 00:13:40,676
Jim, you're in grave danger
320
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:42,262
of violating the Glass-Steagall Act.
321
00:13:42,497 --> 00:13:44,997
They haven't shown
a bare ass in three weeks!
322
00:13:45,008 --> 00:13:46,599
Show me your ass, Jim.
323
00:13:46,752 --> 00:13:48,037
And I'm back.
324
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,836
Griffins, you are
looking at the new lead
325
00:13:50,847 --> 00:13:52,605
in the Chris Christie movie.
326
00:13:52,822 --> 00:13:55,340
You? Wh-What happened to Brad Pitt?
327
00:13:55,650 --> 00:13:57,509
It's what I've been
saying all along, Lois.
328
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:58,762
He can't do what I do.
329
00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:00,813
He doesn't bring the
fat guy authenticity.
330
00:14:00,957 --> 00:14:03,015
His sweat doesn't
smell like french fries.
331
00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:05,256
He doesn't bring the
sky-high blood pressure
332
00:14:05,267 --> 00:14:06,825
or the jolting sleep apnea.
333
00:14:06,836 --> 00:14:08,687
I have that gift. That's why.
334
00:14:08,856 --> 00:14:10,765
Peter, this is ridiculous.
335
00:14:10,776 --> 00:14:12,756
You can't play Chris Christie.
336
00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:14,268
You're not even an actor.
337
00:14:14,279 --> 00:14:15,445
Oh, no?
338
00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:19,282
Yes, Lois! Yes! Yes! Oh!
339
00:14:19,481 --> 00:14:20,930
Sound familiar?
340
00:14:20,941 --> 00:14:23,417
- But how do you...?
- Squirt gun full of Ivory.
341
00:14:23,428 --> 00:14:26,380
Sorry, Lunchables, I'm
afraid I've lost my appetite.
342
00:14:26,391 --> 00:14:27,782
Peter, I'm proud of you.
343
00:14:27,793 --> 00:14:29,142
You're actually making important strides
344
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:32,039
on behalf of inclusivity
and cultural sensitivity.
345
00:14:32,050 --> 00:14:33,302
Yeah, I'm all for that stuff.
346
00:14:33,313 --> 00:14:34,795
As long as we don't got to take down
347
00:14:34,806 --> 00:14:36,213
the Confederate statue in the yard.
348
00:14:36,224 --> 00:14:38,115
That's for history and learning.
349
00:14:38,126 --> 00:14:39,551
Even if they did come in second place
350
00:14:39,562 --> 00:14:41,752
out of two armies in a war.
351
00:14:41,763 --> 00:14:44,222
- So, how'd we do?
- Second place, baby.
352
00:14:44,233 --> 00:14:45,642
Hey, not bad.
353
00:14:45,735 --> 00:14:48,169
Silver medal. Whoo!
354
00:14:52,351 --> 00:14:54,091
Okay, Peter, so, in this next scene,
355
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:57,086
Christie would probably
struggle in the heat and sun
356
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,088
on the George Washington Bridge.
357
00:14:59,108 --> 00:15:01,591
You presume to lecture
me what it's like?
358
00:15:01,602 --> 00:15:03,843
How dare you thinsplain to me?
359
00:15:04,135 --> 00:15:06,745
Talk to me when your BMI is over 35.
360
00:15:06,756 --> 00:15:08,589
Wow, a real live movie set.
361
00:15:08,758 --> 00:15:10,907
So cool to be here for the magic.
362
00:15:10,918 --> 00:15:12,821
Yeah, and look, there's a child star
363
00:15:12,832 --> 00:15:14,314
who's getting an hour of school.
364
00:15:14,325 --> 00:15:16,664
Okay, Billy, now, what color is this?
365
00:15:16,955 --> 00:15:18,545
- Blue?
- Close enough.
366
00:15:18,556 --> 00:15:19,675
Now get back out there
367
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:22,353
and be the most distracting
part of any film.
368
00:15:23,910 --> 00:15:25,826
♪ Making a movie ♪
369
00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:29,081
♪ Not as glamorous as it seems ♪
370
00:15:29,092 --> 00:15:30,575
♪ Standing around ♪
371
00:15:30,594 --> 00:15:33,078
♪ For three hours just to move a light ♪
372
00:15:33,237 --> 00:15:36,772
♪ Tripping over thick
cables everywhere ♪
373
00:15:36,783 --> 00:15:42,103
♪ Spending all day shooting
one ten-second scene, yeah ♪
374
00:15:42,114 --> 00:15:45,975
♪ Waving flies off the
craft service table ♪
375
00:15:47,632 --> 00:15:49,260
♪ Making a movie ♪
376
00:15:49,271 --> 00:15:52,514
♪ Way more tedious than it seems ♪
377
00:15:52,690 --> 00:15:56,376
♪ The most important
job is the editor ♪
378
00:15:56,603 --> 00:16:00,380
♪ Staring at a frame
for 18 hours straight ♪
379
00:16:00,607 --> 00:16:03,625
♪ Most of them snap and go crazy ♪
380
00:16:03,719 --> 00:16:08,722
♪ Even a dumb cartoon like
this takes 18 months ♪
381
00:16:08,873 --> 00:16:13,351
♪ What are we all doing? ♪
382
00:16:19,507 --> 00:16:21,933
Oh, Peter, your big movie premiere.
383
00:16:21,944 --> 00:16:23,594
This is so exciting!
384
00:16:23,712 --> 00:16:26,472
Did Dr. Hartman bring a
woman in a coma as his date?
385
00:16:26,741 --> 00:16:29,558
Hey, guys, big night,
huh? See you in there.
386
00:16:32,264 --> 00:16:35,179
Oh, God, here come those
mindless entertainment reporters
387
00:16:35,190 --> 00:16:37,097
who only want to know,
"Who are you wearing?"
388
00:16:37,108 --> 00:16:38,120
- Stewie!
- Stewie.
389
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,136
Over here, Stewie.
390
00:16:39,146 --> 00:16:41,464
How do you respond to
those who accuse your show
391
00:16:41,482 --> 00:16:43,482
of trafficking in decades of misogyny,
392
00:16:43,493 --> 00:16:46,161
homophobia and racially
insensitive stereotyping?
393
00:16:46,319 --> 00:16:48,743
Uh... Thom Browne, thank you.
394
00:16:48,754 --> 00:16:50,364
Go, Brian. Go, go, go, go, go.
395
00:16:50,375 --> 00:16:52,892
And here's the star of
the film, Peter Griffin.
396
00:16:52,903 --> 00:16:54,402
What are you wearing tonight, Peter?
397
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:57,270
Well, Tom, the shirt is actually
two shirts sewn together.
398
00:16:57,281 --> 00:16:59,615
The jacket is stolen from
a steak house maître d',
399
00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:01,202
and the pants are a towel.
400
00:17:01,259 --> 00:17:03,776
You know, I hear you were
quite the prankster on set.
401
00:17:03,795 --> 00:17:05,254
Well, it wasn't so much pranks
402
00:17:05,265 --> 00:17:06,765
as yelling and shouting at women.
403
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,126
Yeah, a lot of 'em aren't here tonight.
404
00:17:08,159 --> 00:17:10,509
They're doing some town hall
meeting with Gloria Allred.
405
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:11,855
Ah, we'll see what happens.
406
00:17:17,308 --> 00:17:18,549
The after-party's at a Panera
407
00:17:18,568 --> 00:17:21,160
that's still open to normal customers.
408
00:17:23,805 --> 00:17:25,138
Thank you all for coming.
409
00:17:25,149 --> 00:17:27,225
- Giggity.
- It was a lot of hard work.
410
00:17:27,243 --> 00:17:30,169
- Giggity.
- And thanks to the unnecessarily long writers' strike,
411
00:17:30,321 --> 00:17:33,322
we were unable to write a
third joke for this speech.
412
00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:36,901
- Hey!
- Ow!
413
00:17:36,919 --> 00:17:38,194
That's your father's movie up there.
414
00:17:38,196 --> 00:17:39,904
Pay attention, you dope.
415
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,655
Repeat after me.
416
00:17:48,666 --> 00:17:51,334
- I's am governor.
- I's am governor.
417
00:17:51,352 --> 00:17:54,003
- Youse are not.
- Youse are not.
418
00:17:54,005 --> 00:17:56,689
Big Pussy didn't
deserve to die like that
419
00:17:56,841 --> 00:17:57,949
in The Sopranos.
420
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,525
But he was a freakin' rat!
421
00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:02,252
Congratulations, you are
the governor of New Jersey.
422
00:18:02,263 --> 00:18:04,354
Now let's all root for
the Jets and the Mets
423
00:18:04,365 --> 00:18:06,031
like the idiots we are.
424
00:18:15,541 --> 00:18:18,526
Lord, please protect us
from this coming hurricane.
425
00:18:18,537 --> 00:18:21,296
It's bad enough you gave me
the same first and last name.
426
00:18:21,473 --> 00:18:24,032
Please don't let me
be killed by a Sandy.
427
00:18:24,043 --> 00:18:27,861
The fellas at the Y would never
let me hear the end of it. Amen.
428
00:18:31,827 --> 00:18:34,237
Oh, Chris, you're dying.
429
00:18:34,799 --> 00:18:36,961
Don't remember me like this.
430
00:18:37,027 --> 00:18:39,130
Remember me stuffed like a sausage
431
00:18:39,141 --> 00:18:41,826
into that NYPD softball uniform.
432
00:18:41,977 --> 00:18:44,978
♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪
433
00:18:45,404 --> 00:18:48,863
♪ And I would walk 500. ♪
434
00:18:49,976 --> 00:18:51,792
Hey, that was terrific.
435
00:18:51,803 --> 00:18:54,304
Oh, what an achievement.
436
00:18:54,315 --> 00:18:55,888
You really did it, buddy.
437
00:18:55,899 --> 00:18:57,732
What are you guys
talking about? I stunk.
438
00:18:57,743 --> 00:18:58,841
I can't act at all.
439
00:18:58,852 --> 00:19:00,151
No...
440
00:19:00,162 --> 00:19:03,239
You were, uh, very believably fat.
441
00:19:03,705 --> 00:19:05,290
Didn't you notice half the time
442
00:19:05,301 --> 00:19:06,633
I was staring right into the camera?
443
00:19:06,644 --> 00:19:09,049
They had to use peanut
butter to get me on my mark.
444
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:10,323
Yeah, but you've done a great thing
445
00:19:10,334 --> 00:19:12,492
for authenticity and inclusivity.
446
00:19:12,503 --> 00:19:13,981
I don't even know what those words mean,
447
00:19:13,992 --> 00:19:16,234
I just like to see your
tail wag when you say 'em.
448
00:19:16,245 --> 00:19:18,745
Peter, you're giving
the marginalized a voice.
449
00:19:18,756 --> 00:19:19,939
How are they marginalized?
450
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,182
The whole country's full of dumb, fat.
451
00:19:22,437 --> 00:19:25,697
Now more than ever, we need
authenticity and inclusivity.
452
00:19:25,889 --> 00:19:27,998
No, Brian. What we need is good actors.
453
00:19:28,099 --> 00:19:29,765
I don't care if they're
Black, white, tall,
454
00:19:29,784 --> 00:19:31,357
short, thin, fat.
455
00:19:31,368 --> 00:19:32,975
Gay, straight... you forgot those ones.
456
00:19:32,986 --> 00:19:35,095
Look, I-I admit I
thought acting was easy.
457
00:19:35,192 --> 00:19:37,430
And maybe I was blinded
by all the praise I got
458
00:19:37,441 --> 00:19:38,940
from Harvey Weinstein.
459
00:19:38,951 --> 00:19:41,935
Peter, Harvey Weinstein hasn't
had clout for like six years.
460
00:19:41,946 --> 00:19:44,129
Oh, boy. Then I may have
done some things I'll regret.
461
00:19:45,179 --> 00:19:47,513
I don't know, I guess, as
a fat guy, I-I got offended
462
00:19:47,524 --> 00:19:49,691
that Chris Christie
wasn't played by a fat guy.
463
00:19:49,702 --> 00:19:52,191
But turns out it just
needed to be a good actor.
464
00:19:52,202 --> 00:19:54,346
Maybe we should all
spend less time judging
465
00:19:54,357 --> 00:19:55,597
and more time enjoying
466
00:19:55,608 --> 00:19:57,500
what different actors
bring to different roles.
467
00:19:57,511 --> 00:19:59,803
That's the magic of movies and TV.
468
00:19:59,814 --> 00:20:01,387
And stepson porn.
469
00:20:01,398 --> 00:20:03,715
Chris, you don't have to
join every conversation.
470
00:20:06,351 --> 00:20:07,610
Okay, look, look, I understand
471
00:20:07,621 --> 00:20:09,545
not everyone will agree on this issue,
472
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:11,556
but let's discuss it
in a civilized manner
473
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:14,198
by making death threats
from our individual homes
474
00:20:14,209 --> 00:20:15,893
to one another on the Internet.
475
00:20:17,762 --> 00:20:20,402
_
476
00:20:20,503 --> 00:20:22,521
Right back at you, buddy.
477
00:20:27,739 --> 00:20:30,655
Well, I'm sorry your movie
didn't go over well, Peter.
478
00:20:30,666 --> 00:20:32,165
Yeah, the money was
good, but I got tired of
479
00:20:32,203 --> 00:20:34,030
- all the one-night stands.
- What?
480
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,993
- Huh?
- Sorry, my ears have been clogged
481
00:20:36,004 --> 00:20:38,172
since I made out with that
guy from the film crew.
482
00:20:38,183 --> 00:20:39,184
- What?
- Huh?
483
00:20:39,195 --> 00:20:40,435
Well, I got to say, Bri,
484
00:20:40,446 --> 00:20:41,598
it might not have worked out for Dad,
485
00:20:41,609 --> 00:20:43,943
but I sure got bit by the acting bug.
486
00:20:43,954 --> 00:20:45,360
Really? You want to be an actor?
487
00:20:45,371 --> 00:20:47,855
Oh, yeah. I'd be great in Streetcar.
488
00:20:48,105 --> 00:20:51,699
Stella! Stella!
489
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:53,164
What?!
490
00:20:53,175 --> 00:20:54,737
Is Aidan home?
491
00:20:55,264 --> 00:21:00,264
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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