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1
00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:02,613
[clattering]
2
00:00:11,891 --> 00:00:14,525
Jimmy, if you're thinking
of getting into ski porn,
3
00:00:14,592 --> 00:00:16,789
it's a niche audience
and the work is seasonal.
4
00:00:16,814 --> 00:00:18,203
I have it all worked out, Gretchen...
5
00:00:18,228 --> 00:00:20,334
what I saw from my tree
house last night....
6
00:00:20,359 --> 00:00:23,076
my father is no longer
a force in my life,
7
00:00:23,101 --> 00:00:26,536
thus, everything I am
and have is suspect,
8
00:00:26,604 --> 00:00:30,623
acquired or decided, as it all were,
in the context of being "Ronny's son,"
9
00:00:30,648 --> 00:00:33,910
which I am no longer,
thus, reevaluation.
10
00:00:33,978 --> 00:00:35,554
It's all up for review.
11
00:00:35,579 --> 00:00:39,429
So, I'm making a pros and cons
list of everything in my life
12
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:42,140
to work out whether I
still need it or not.
13
00:00:42,165 --> 00:00:43,344
Oh, boy.
14
00:00:43,369 --> 00:00:46,587
It's the perfect
post-emotional analytic tool
15
00:00:46,612 --> 00:00:50,993
to determine the inherent, unsullied
qualitative value of anything.
16
00:00:51,062 --> 00:00:53,296
To whit. Stapler.
17
00:00:53,364 --> 00:00:55,898
Pros: petite, efficient, comely.
18
00:00:55,967 --> 00:00:59,366
Cons: literally no place
for you in the digital world.
19
00:00:59,505 --> 00:01:00,771
Good-bye, old girl.
20
00:01:03,350 --> 00:01:05,302
Hmm... tough one.
21
00:01:05,327 --> 00:01:07,577
Pros: strong tassels,
22
00:01:07,645 --> 00:01:09,078
I look fantastic in it.
23
00:01:09,147 --> 00:01:13,015
Cons: I saw Moby wearing the same
one on the cover of Yoga Life.
24
00:01:13,084 --> 00:01:14,550
And there's the answer.
25
00:01:16,163 --> 00:01:18,181
Right. My stuff...
26
00:01:18,206 --> 00:01:20,039
there's your stuff...
27
00:01:25,196 --> 00:01:26,378
Hmm?
28
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:49,233
Oh! Fine! Jesus Christ!
29
00:01:49,265 --> 00:01:54,087
Fine, Jimmy. Do your insane,
idiotic thing and get this over with.
30
00:01:54,286 --> 00:01:57,266
Gretchen pro-con list, go.
31
00:01:57,344 --> 00:01:59,929
Well, okay.
32
00:01:59,998 --> 00:02:01,964
You and your stupid tree house.
33
00:02:02,033 --> 00:02:04,804
I swear, I wish I'd never mentioned
Dead Poets Society in front of you.
34
00:02:04,836 --> 00:02:08,751
You literally just did the standing
on the desk thing, but higher.
35
00:02:09,048 --> 00:02:12,618
The quicker we do this, the quicker
we can move on with our lives.
36
00:02:12,643 --> 00:02:16,071
I have stuff to do for Shitstain
and Jaclyn's elopement party.
37
00:02:16,374 --> 00:02:18,579
Bet your ass he's not making a list.
38
00:02:19,719 --> 00:02:22,030
Okay, fine.
39
00:02:22,055 --> 00:02:25,930
Here are two things to
start off your pro list.
40
00:02:26,423 --> 00:02:29,135
Bam! Carpe those diems.
41
00:02:29,985 --> 00:02:31,491
Aw, man.
42
00:02:31,516 --> 00:02:33,272
I slept in gum again?
43
00:02:33,297 --> 00:02:34,463
[groans]
44
00:02:35,391 --> 00:02:38,616
Just know that, uh, this is
gonna be a waste of your time.
45
00:02:38,641 --> 00:02:40,670
The end result is gonna
be, "Damn, she's awesome.
46
00:02:40,738 --> 00:02:42,718
"That list was pointless.
47
00:02:42,743 --> 00:02:45,110
"Wasted all that paper and ink.
48
00:02:45,462 --> 00:02:47,862
"Sorry trees. Sorry squids."
49
00:02:49,798 --> 00:02:52,485
Wait, is that how you think we get ink?
50
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,852
From squids?
51
00:02:56,026 --> 00:02:57,358
No.
52
00:02:58,977 --> 00:03:00,485
Aw, damn it!
53
00:03:02,367 --> 00:03:04,568
54
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,501
I'm gonna leave you anyway
55
00:03:12,570 --> 00:03:15,137
I'm gonna leave you anyway
56
00:03:15,206 --> 00:03:18,274
Gonna leave you anyway.
57
00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:23,141
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
58
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,118
[sniffs]
59
00:03:26,315 --> 00:03:28,298
[indistinct chatter, dishes clinking]
60
00:03:31,274 --> 00:03:33,140
[upbeat music playing]
61
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,873
Ooh. Ceviche?
62
00:03:49,559 --> 00:03:50,391
[sniffs]
63
00:03:54,907 --> 00:03:57,641
I don't get it. A pros
and cons list about you?
64
00:03:57,710 --> 00:03:58,798
What's on it?
65
00:03:58,830 --> 00:04:00,704
Oh, who cares? We all have negative shit
66
00:04:00,729 --> 00:04:02,380
we think about everyone in our lives.
67
00:04:02,448 --> 00:04:04,689
Yeah, but writing it down makes it real.
68
00:04:04,714 --> 00:04:07,689
Like Web sites or fortune cookies.
69
00:04:07,987 --> 00:04:10,672
So, how'd Paul react to the
news that you're leaving him?
70
00:04:10,697 --> 00:04:12,181
Ain't told him yet.
71
00:04:12,206 --> 00:04:15,526
First I got to set myself
up, get my own place.
72
00:04:15,595 --> 00:04:16,791
And it'll be so phat
73
00:04:16,816 --> 00:04:19,663
because I'll be getting those sweet
monthly checks from the prenup.
74
00:04:19,739 --> 00:04:22,422
- Wait, what? You have a prenup?
- [laughs] Yeah,
75
00:04:22,447 --> 00:04:24,976
Paul was like, "Oh,
honey, we don't need one."
76
00:04:25,001 --> 00:04:28,038
But uh-uh, I didn't fall for that shit.
77
00:04:28,107 --> 00:04:30,574
So, like a boss, I made him.
78
00:04:30,635 --> 00:04:32,468
Lindsay, you ding-dong.
79
00:04:32,493 --> 00:04:35,343
A prenup protects the
wealthier person, him,
80
00:04:35,368 --> 00:04:38,843
in a divorce from giving his
money to the poorer person, you.
81
00:04:39,609 --> 00:04:41,952
Are you goddamn kidding me?
82
00:04:42,021 --> 00:04:43,921
And you let me get an abortion?!
83
00:04:43,946 --> 00:04:48,718
I had a ticket to 18 years of dough
and you let me flush my ticket?
84
00:04:49,028 --> 00:04:51,749
Hey, just focus.
85
00:04:51,774 --> 00:04:55,300
Do the most important
thing first: tell Paul.
86
00:04:55,368 --> 00:04:57,476
Once you do that, you
can figure out your life.
87
00:04:57,501 --> 00:05:00,546
Now I have to get a stupid job.
88
00:05:00,571 --> 00:05:02,306
Can I have a job?
89
00:05:02,375 --> 00:05:04,538
That's gonna be a hard no.
90
00:05:05,178 --> 00:05:06,944
91
00:05:10,917 --> 00:05:14,018
So, I got a bunch of ideas
about that restaurant concept.
92
00:05:14,377 --> 00:05:16,320
You know, savory cereal?
93
00:05:16,389 --> 00:05:18,989
Two words: Beefy Pebbles.
94
00:05:19,058 --> 00:05:20,651
We'll talk later.
95
00:05:21,690 --> 00:05:24,165
Ooh, excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me?
96
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,854
- SHITSTAIN: Did-did you call him?
- HONEY NUTZ: Yes, I called him.
97
00:05:25,879 --> 00:05:27,284
I can't believe he's late, man.
98
00:05:27,309 --> 00:05:30,346
I can. He's been the
worst best man ever.
99
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:32,893
He lost the ring at the
Monterey Aquarium tide pool.
100
00:05:32,918 --> 00:05:34,472
Said a sea anemone took it.
101
00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:36,034
Does that even sound plausible to you?
102
00:05:36,059 --> 00:05:38,768
Do you know how slow a sea anemone is?
103
00:05:39,377 --> 00:05:41,479
- There he is.
- Where's the navy suit?
104
00:05:41,547 --> 00:05:43,914
Oh, nah, blood, this is it.
105
00:05:43,983 --> 00:05:46,750
I just got the pants hemmed
and the jacket taken in.
106
00:05:46,819 --> 00:05:48,886
Then it still was a total piece of shit,
107
00:05:48,955 --> 00:05:51,354
so I lit it on fire and
bought something dope instead.
108
00:05:51,379 --> 00:05:53,179
[groans] That's it!
109
00:05:53,204 --> 00:05:54,859
You're fired as best man.
110
00:05:54,927 --> 00:05:57,094
Nutz, you're giving the toast tonight.
111
00:05:57,163 --> 00:05:58,596
Seriously?
112
00:05:58,621 --> 00:06:01,698
Okay, idiot, good luck
with this mush-mouth.
113
00:06:01,723 --> 00:06:05,436
Fool can't even leave a simple
voice mail. Always be like, "Uh...
114
00:06:05,505 --> 00:06:08,088
"Call me back. Uh..." Click.
115
00:06:08,113 --> 00:06:10,713
Y-Yo, you know public speaking
is one of my greatest fears.
116
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:14,079
It's public speaking, heights and
waking up with a scorpion in my mouth.
117
00:06:14,104 --> 00:06:15,279
You'll be fine.
118
00:06:15,304 --> 00:06:18,002
- We're professional public speakers.
- That-that's different.
119
00:06:18,027 --> 00:06:20,096
Look, Honey Nutz is a persona.
120
00:06:20,121 --> 00:06:24,121
Uh, when I'm not rapping,
I'm just Zachary from Reseda,
121
00:06:24,146 --> 00:06:25,689
that likes hard cider
122
00:06:25,758 --> 00:06:27,925
and losing myself in a graphic novel.
123
00:06:27,994 --> 00:06:29,927
[growls]
124
00:06:29,996 --> 00:06:31,315
I don't mean no disrespect, by that.
125
00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:32,932
I don't, I don't. I'm just saying...
126
00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:35,533
Oh!
127
00:06:37,870 --> 00:06:39,385
Nice look.
128
00:06:39,410 --> 00:06:42,206
Shouldn't you be trying
to shoot down Snoopy?
129
00:06:42,275 --> 00:06:44,916
I went a little crazy with the purge.
130
00:06:44,941 --> 00:06:48,002
Got rid of all my
outerwear and my underwear.
131
00:06:48,027 --> 00:06:51,982
I'm currently wearing one
of Edgar's bathing suits.
132
00:06:52,051 --> 00:06:55,284
Jimmy, I've thought about
your pros and cons list,
133
00:06:55,309 --> 00:06:58,174
and I think it's only fair
that you show it to me.
134
00:06:58,357 --> 00:07:00,758
Gretchen, I'm undergoing
135
00:07:00,826 --> 00:07:04,237
a really painful
process of reevaluation.
136
00:07:04,262 --> 00:07:07,245
Now, if you could just
respect my privacy,
137
00:07:07,270 --> 00:07:09,370
I'd really appreciate it.
138
00:07:09,664 --> 00:07:13,182
Fine, I hear you. You have my word.
139
00:07:13,207 --> 00:07:14,440
Mm.
140
00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:20,143
- Mm.
- Oh, yeah. Ooh, a zipper!
141
00:07:20,168 --> 00:07:22,179
I can't get through that. [laughs]
142
00:07:25,291 --> 00:07:26,651
Fine.
143
00:07:26,676 --> 00:07:29,729
I'm gonna go shake gifts, see
if anything sounds expensive.
144
00:07:32,124 --> 00:07:33,624
Jimmy.
145
00:07:33,693 --> 00:07:35,059
This is my wife, Jaclyn.
146
00:07:35,127 --> 00:07:36,237
Hi!
147
00:07:36,262 --> 00:07:37,440
[scoffs]
148
00:07:37,763 --> 00:07:39,997
- What a dick.
- Don't worry, he's an asshole.
149
00:07:40,066 --> 00:07:41,299
Priscilla!
150
00:07:41,324 --> 00:07:43,096
Oh, look at you!
151
00:07:43,121 --> 00:07:44,393
- Oh. What do you think?
- Amazing!
152
00:07:44,409 --> 00:07:45,675
Oh, thank you.
153
00:07:45,744 --> 00:07:47,243
MAN: Shitstain in the house!
154
00:07:47,312 --> 00:07:49,045
I love weddings.
155
00:07:49,114 --> 00:07:50,613
Friends coming together.
156
00:07:50,690 --> 00:07:53,118
Old couples falling in love again.
157
00:07:53,143 --> 00:07:55,212
Plus, you can totally
steal a chair at a wedding.
158
00:07:55,237 --> 00:07:56,430
I've done it so many times.
159
00:07:56,455 --> 00:07:58,788
- Most of my chairs are wedding chairs.
- [phone vibrates]
160
00:07:58,857 --> 00:08:00,156
What's going on?
161
00:08:00,225 --> 00:08:02,158
Whoa. It's Doug Benson.
162
00:08:02,227 --> 00:08:05,662
He wants me to come up with
five sketch ideas by tomorrow.
163
00:08:05,731 --> 00:08:07,731
[exhales] Well...
164
00:08:07,799 --> 00:08:10,033
I guess I better start brainstorming.
165
00:08:10,635 --> 00:08:12,135
Wait, you're gonna work at a wedding?
166
00:08:12,204 --> 00:08:13,536
I don't have a choice, Dorothy.
167
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,541
I mean, this is a huge opportunity.
168
00:08:15,566 --> 00:08:17,790
I-I got to nail it.
169
00:08:17,815 --> 00:08:19,634
Okay, let's see.
170
00:08:19,659 --> 00:08:21,444
Weddings, weddings.
171
00:08:21,513 --> 00:08:24,760
Bride. Groom. Broom.
172
00:08:26,291 --> 00:08:29,870
Here comes... the broom?
173
00:08:32,391 --> 00:08:33,757
Wow.
174
00:08:33,825 --> 00:08:36,477
This might not take long after all.
175
00:08:36,502 --> 00:08:39,229
Cool. So just go do
your very important work,
176
00:08:39,297 --> 00:08:43,080
and I'll just wander around
by myself, like a loser.
177
00:08:44,569 --> 00:08:46,035
Hey! Lindsay!
178
00:08:46,963 --> 00:08:48,455
[groaning]
179
00:08:50,858 --> 00:08:52,257
He has a job.
180
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,115
How'd he get that?
181
00:08:59,918 --> 00:09:03,227
SHITSTAIN: All right,
I fired him to hire you.
182
00:09:03,252 --> 00:09:04,988
These aren't your words you're writing.
183
00:09:05,056 --> 00:09:06,300
What is that?
184
00:09:06,325 --> 00:09:07,565
[sniffing]
185
00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:15,620
- Hey. How'd you get that?
- What? [chuckles]
186
00:09:15,645 --> 00:09:19,135
I-I don't know what
you're talking about.
187
00:09:19,557 --> 00:09:21,404
PRISCILLA: Listen one more time.
188
00:09:21,473 --> 00:09:25,909
My client wants 100% ostrich feathers.
189
00:09:25,977 --> 00:09:29,045
I don't care. Just wait
until they stick their heads
190
00:09:29,114 --> 00:09:31,948
in the ground and then
slit their throats.
191
00:09:32,313 --> 00:09:33,946
Hey, how'd you get that?
192
00:09:33,971 --> 00:09:35,819
[chuckles] My job?
193
00:09:35,887 --> 00:09:38,121
Well, I started a fashion blog.
194
00:09:38,146 --> 00:09:40,723
Then Tavi Gevinson retweeted me.
195
00:09:40,792 --> 00:09:43,626
Then I dressed Parker Posey for
the Good Wife premiere.
196
00:09:43,695 --> 00:09:45,795
Before I knew it, I was a stylist.
197
00:09:45,864 --> 00:09:47,897
- I love your jacket, by the way.
- Thanks.
198
00:09:47,966 --> 00:09:50,563
My trick is I just buy a cheap jacket,
199
00:09:50,588 --> 00:09:51,970
replace the buttons with doper ones,
200
00:09:51,995 --> 00:09:53,503
and tell everyone I got it in Italy.
201
00:09:53,572 --> 00:09:55,738
But not Little Italy. The big Italy.
202
00:09:55,807 --> 00:09:58,508
- That's brilliant.
- [laughs]
203
00:09:58,577 --> 00:10:00,610
I really like your pocket square, too.
204
00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:02,312
Thanks. Those are my panties.
205
00:10:02,971 --> 00:10:04,459
[laughs]
206
00:10:04,484 --> 00:10:06,117
LINDSAY: I'm not joking.
207
00:10:11,688 --> 00:10:13,007
Hey. What's up with you?
208
00:10:13,032 --> 00:10:14,157
Hi, Gretchen.
209
00:10:14,226 --> 00:10:15,827
SAM: Got fired as the best man.
210
00:10:15,852 --> 00:10:17,427
Not that I care.
211
00:10:17,496 --> 00:10:19,762
Group's turning into a
bunch of pussies anyway!
212
00:10:19,831 --> 00:10:21,698
Honey Nutz is getting his knuckles waxed
213
00:10:21,766 --> 00:10:23,800
for his appearance on
Poker After Dark.
214
00:10:23,869 --> 00:10:25,835
Shitstain getting
married with no thought
215
00:10:25,904 --> 00:10:28,171
to how it will affect our careers.
216
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,907
I ain't trying to rap
about kids or poker!
217
00:10:30,976 --> 00:10:33,076
Ain't nothing rhyme with "poker."
218
00:10:35,071 --> 00:10:36,846
So what are you gonna do?
219
00:10:36,915 --> 00:10:39,710
What can I do? He went
and changed his whole life,
220
00:10:39,735 --> 00:10:40,917
and I don't even got a say in it.
221
00:10:40,986 --> 00:10:42,585
Hey, you guys are a team.
222
00:10:42,654 --> 00:10:44,521
If you feel like you're
losing control of your future,
223
00:10:44,589 --> 00:10:46,055
just talk to him.
224
00:10:46,124 --> 00:10:48,969
Your actions affect each other.
225
00:10:49,430 --> 00:10:50,602
Yeah.
226
00:10:51,429 --> 00:10:54,397
My actions do affect each other.
227
00:10:54,805 --> 00:10:57,014
I don't like how you just
repeated that verbatim
228
00:10:57,039 --> 00:10:58,507
with a glint in your eye, but, yeah,
229
00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:02,171
you got to take charge
of your... future.
230
00:11:02,571 --> 00:11:04,413
Now you have the glint, too, bitch.
231
00:11:04,438 --> 00:11:06,676
Bitch, I ain't got no glint!
232
00:11:06,745 --> 00:11:08,511
233
00:11:13,014 --> 00:11:14,996
Okay, how's this for a sketch idea?
234
00:11:15,021 --> 00:11:18,161
A guy who takes everything literally.
235
00:11:18,232 --> 00:11:20,699
That's kind of the first sketch
that everybody comes up with.
236
00:11:20,768 --> 00:11:22,134
That or 50-hour Energy.
237
00:11:22,203 --> 00:11:25,204
Oh, man. That'd be so much energy.
238
00:11:25,272 --> 00:11:27,072
[laughs]
239
00:11:27,141 --> 00:11:30,309
Hey, look. It's Brian Posehn.
240
00:11:30,615 --> 00:11:33,212
[chuckles] That is not Brian Posehn.
241
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,615
I took tickets for Brian Posehn's
one-man show, like, a decade ago.
242
00:11:36,684 --> 00:11:38,884
I used to party with all those comics.
243
00:11:38,936 --> 00:11:41,068
The one thing I know
is who is who in comedy,
244
00:11:41,093 --> 00:11:43,685
and I know that that
is not Brian Posehn.
245
00:11:45,406 --> 00:11:47,106
Oh. I guess it is him.
246
00:11:47,261 --> 00:11:48,260
Haircut.
247
00:11:48,329 --> 00:11:49,828
I should go talk to him.
248
00:11:49,897 --> 00:11:51,771
Maybe I could bounce some ideas off him.
249
00:11:54,969 --> 00:11:57,302
Excuse me. Champagne?
250
00:11:57,371 --> 00:11:58,637
Oh.
251
00:12:02,843 --> 00:12:05,244
I'll leave it in the
bathroom later under the soap.
252
00:12:05,312 --> 00:12:06,979
Soap. [sniffing]
253
00:12:07,047 --> 00:12:08,881
[R&B music playing]
254
00:12:16,582 --> 00:12:18,617
Excuse me, where's the restroom?
255
00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:22,742
Can I help you?
256
00:12:22,767 --> 00:12:25,130
Yeah, um, uh, my boyfriend
257
00:12:25,199 --> 00:12:27,750
left his heart attack
medication in his coat.
258
00:12:27,775 --> 00:12:29,117
Ugh.
259
00:12:31,625 --> 00:12:33,605
Yeah, do you have a claim ticket?
260
00:12:33,674 --> 00:12:35,607
Uh, no, but...
261
00:12:35,676 --> 00:12:37,468
I got this.
262
00:12:38,438 --> 00:12:40,171
Ignore the bruise.
263
00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:43,181
Yeah, I just needed a ticket
to know which coat to get.
264
00:12:43,250 --> 00:12:47,113
Oh, uh, yeah. It's the
really ugly bomber jacket.
265
00:12:56,397 --> 00:12:57,910
Goddamn it.
266
00:12:58,565 --> 00:13:00,191
[growls]
267
00:13:00,216 --> 00:13:01,355
Okay.
268
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:04,903
[groans]
269
00:13:04,972 --> 00:13:06,772
Hi. [yelps]
270
00:13:09,643 --> 00:13:10,795
[clicks tongue]
271
00:13:12,046 --> 00:13:14,576
Fine. Two can play at that game.
272
00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:16,415
Yeah, whatever you say, Gr...
273
00:13:16,483 --> 00:13:17,983
What? Hang on. What are you doing?
274
00:13:18,052 --> 00:13:21,086
Um, I'm making a pros
and cons list about you.
275
00:13:21,155 --> 00:13:23,388
No. No. You can't do that.
276
00:13:23,457 --> 00:13:25,090
Pros and cons list is my thing.
277
00:13:25,159 --> 00:13:28,216
Oh, another con:
possessiveness of ideas.
278
00:13:29,797 --> 00:13:31,463
Right.
279
00:13:31,532 --> 00:13:32,631
Hey.
280
00:13:34,627 --> 00:13:36,621
Just to balance it out.
281
00:13:36,971 --> 00:13:38,737
282
00:13:49,583 --> 00:13:51,817
Hey. Congratulations.
283
00:13:51,885 --> 00:13:55,758
Thanks. Yeah, my parents thought
25 was young to get married,
284
00:13:55,783 --> 00:13:58,056
but when you know you found the one...
285
00:13:58,125 --> 00:14:01,674
25? Wow, that's... that's a good age.
286
00:14:01,713 --> 00:14:04,863
- Mm.
- I tested for Ugly Betty when I was 25.
287
00:14:04,932 --> 00:14:06,729
Who's Ugly Betty?
288
00:14:07,810 --> 00:14:09,476
I'm gonna go.
289
00:14:11,505 --> 00:14:13,805
Uh, that's actually
just for the bride...
290
00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:18,582
Oh. Listen.
291
00:14:19,146 --> 00:14:21,980
It's only fair I warn you what
you're getting into with us.
292
00:14:22,049 --> 00:14:24,383
Our lifestyle is straight bananas.
293
00:14:24,451 --> 00:14:27,486
Touring, staying out late,
living off gum and Code Red.
294
00:14:27,554 --> 00:14:29,454
It can be rough on bitches.
295
00:14:29,523 --> 00:14:30,655
Bitches?
296
00:14:30,724 --> 00:14:32,724
Oh. [chuckles] On women.
297
00:14:32,793 --> 00:14:34,626
Yes, Sam, I know. Don't worry.
298
00:14:34,695 --> 00:14:36,995
I am very pragmatic.
299
00:14:37,064 --> 00:14:39,898
You have to maintain a
certain image for the fans.
300
00:14:39,967 --> 00:14:41,199
Nothing will change.
301
00:14:41,268 --> 00:14:43,035
Okay, good.
302
00:14:43,848 --> 00:14:45,997
At least until we have a baby.
303
00:14:46,022 --> 00:14:50,375
But we aren't planning on starting
a family until at least a year.
304
00:14:50,444 --> 00:14:52,210
A baby?
305
00:14:52,279 --> 00:14:54,504
A human-ass baby?
306
00:14:54,782 --> 00:14:56,699
Oh, man.
307
00:14:57,084 --> 00:14:59,618
Seems like just yesterday
we were skating on Fairfax,
308
00:14:59,686 --> 00:15:02,621
stealing leftovers from Orthodox
Jews coming out of Canter's.
309
00:15:02,689 --> 00:15:05,254
Now everything's getting so serious.
310
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:08,761
Sam, things change.
311
00:15:08,829 --> 00:15:12,230
I know it's scary,
but... you'll be okay.
312
00:15:13,223 --> 00:15:15,700
- What the hell?!
- What?
313
00:15:15,769 --> 00:15:18,103
Ugh! I can't believe he just did that.
314
00:15:18,172 --> 00:15:20,072
Ugh. Dale! Dale!
315
00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:21,706
Shitstain!
316
00:15:21,775 --> 00:15:22,741
What happened?
317
00:15:22,810 --> 00:15:24,342
Sam tried to kiss me!
318
00:15:24,411 --> 00:15:26,250
What the hell is wrong with you?!
319
00:15:26,275 --> 00:15:29,414
I'm sorry! I'm just highly upset!
320
00:15:29,439 --> 00:15:31,183
This is all happening so fast.
321
00:15:31,251 --> 00:15:32,791
First, you settling down.
322
00:15:32,816 --> 00:15:35,408
And as soon as someone agrees
to go on a date with Zachary,
323
00:15:35,432 --> 00:15:37,290
you know he gonna grab
on tight and never let go.
324
00:15:37,324 --> 00:15:39,491
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Are you
talking about someone specific?
325
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,126
Because if someone
has expressed interest,
326
00:15:41,195 --> 00:15:42,794
- I'm available.
- Look, if you're afraid
327
00:15:42,863 --> 00:15:45,564
that this is going to
affect our work, it's not.
328
00:15:45,632 --> 00:15:49,101
- We signed our million-year pledge.
- It ain't the work.
329
00:15:49,169 --> 00:15:50,650
I'm just...
330
00:15:52,106 --> 00:15:55,103
I'm just afraid I'm
losing my best friends.
331
00:15:56,043 --> 00:16:00,533
Sam, you're never going
to lose me as a friend.
332
00:16:00,948 --> 00:16:05,016
Look, why don't you and Zachary
give the speech together.
333
00:16:05,085 --> 00:16:07,152
Both of you are my best men.
334
00:16:07,221 --> 00:16:08,954
Always will be.
335
00:16:09,022 --> 00:16:10,956
All right, man.
336
00:16:11,024 --> 00:16:12,991
Let's go work on that speech.
337
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:14,726
I go first, obviously.
338
00:16:17,733 --> 00:16:19,464
You know you can't be friends
with him anymore, right?
339
00:16:19,533 --> 00:16:21,166
Yeah, yeah, I know.
340
00:16:21,819 --> 00:16:22,903
Hey.
341
00:16:22,928 --> 00:16:26,474
Okay, so far, I have "takes
up too much room in bed,"
342
00:16:26,499 --> 00:16:28,140
"eats pizza with a fork."
343
00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:31,143
So you're making a list of dumb
little negative things about him?
344
00:16:31,168 --> 00:16:32,303
Yeah.
345
00:16:36,688 --> 00:16:38,383
Is this the dude that
wore the bomber jacket?
346
00:16:38,452 --> 00:16:39,718
That feels like one.
347
00:16:39,786 --> 00:16:42,087
[gasps] Yes. Thank you.
348
00:16:44,992 --> 00:16:47,733
Hey. Alex said you were gonna
put the coke in the bathroom, man.
349
00:16:47,758 --> 00:16:49,103
- It's not there.
- What?
350
00:16:49,135 --> 00:16:51,063
I left it under the soap.
351
00:16:51,774 --> 00:16:53,554
Dude, I bet you Alex took it.
352
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:56,384
Look, I'm not sure I want to get
involved in this cereal restaurant thing
353
00:16:56,417 --> 00:16:58,160
if we can't trust him.
354
00:16:58,494 --> 00:16:59,829
[sniffs]
355
00:17:01,942 --> 00:17:03,808
EDGAR: So, the guy's, like...
356
00:17:03,877 --> 00:17:04,876
[sighs]
357
00:17:04,901 --> 00:17:06,413
"The boss is up my butt,"
358
00:17:06,438 --> 00:17:09,085
and our hero... taking
everything literally, right?
359
00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:10,563
Puts his mouth to the guy's butt,
360
00:17:10,588 --> 00:17:13,018
and he's like, "Are you
in there, Mr. Hendrickson?
361
00:17:13,086 --> 00:17:14,586
"I'll save ya."
362
00:17:14,655 --> 00:17:16,110
[laughs]
363
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:17,279
That's hilarious, man.
364
00:17:17,324 --> 00:17:19,658
Hey! Brian!
365
00:17:19,726 --> 00:17:21,759
So good to see you again.
366
00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:24,196
I'm sorry. Do I know you?
367
00:17:24,650 --> 00:17:26,086
Dorothy Durwood.
368
00:17:26,111 --> 00:17:29,034
We worked together on your
one-man show. I took tickets.
369
00:17:29,102 --> 00:17:30,892
Remember after that one show at Birds,
370
00:17:30,940 --> 00:17:33,461
you dared me to eat an
entire rotisserie chicken
371
00:17:33,507 --> 00:17:35,307
and then I did?
372
00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,709
But then people kind of
felt sorry for me, and...
373
00:17:37,778 --> 00:17:39,544
it was kind of a downer all told,
374
00:17:39,613 --> 00:17:41,580
and not ultimately worth it comedically.
375
00:17:41,648 --> 00:17:43,381
Right!
376
00:17:43,450 --> 00:17:44,882
Course.
377
00:17:44,907 --> 00:17:46,351
H-How's it going?
378
00:17:46,420 --> 00:17:49,087
[groans] Still grinding
away at the old improv.
379
00:17:49,156 --> 00:17:50,822
Been doing it, gosh, like, a decade now.
380
00:17:50,891 --> 00:17:52,924
But, yeah, my boyfriend
here, he goes and does it
381
00:17:52,993 --> 00:17:55,594
for literally an hour
and gets a job, but...
382
00:17:55,662 --> 00:17:58,663
I've got chore monkey shifts,
so... you know what that is?
383
00:17:58,732 --> 00:18:01,612
Someone literally pays
you just over minimum wage
384
00:18:01,637 --> 00:18:03,409
to clean out their
fridge, for an example,
385
00:18:03,434 --> 00:18:05,547
and, uh, if you're real
lucky, when you get there,
386
00:18:05,572 --> 00:18:07,239
it's your ex-boyfriend from college.
387
00:18:07,307 --> 00:18:09,574
Hey, uh, how much do I have to pay you
388
00:18:09,643 --> 00:18:11,176
to end this conversation?
389
00:18:11,245 --> 00:18:12,811
- [chuckles]
- [laughs]
390
00:18:12,879 --> 00:18:15,480
Uh, hey, why-why don't I take you home?
391
00:18:15,549 --> 00:18:17,889
No. No, you're networking.
392
00:18:17,914 --> 00:18:20,196
- Go network.
- D-Dorothy?
393
00:18:21,188 --> 00:18:23,788
That was rough. Sorry.
394
00:18:23,857 --> 00:18:26,258
Hey, uh, I found some
cocaine in the bathroom.
395
00:18:26,283 --> 00:18:27,649
Do you want some?
396
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:30,215
Mm.
397
00:18:33,233 --> 00:18:34,342
PRISCILLA: [laughs]
398
00:18:34,367 --> 00:18:37,502
You know, actually, I'm looking
for an assistant stylist.
399
00:18:37,571 --> 00:18:39,704
I've stylisted before!
400
00:18:39,773 --> 00:18:42,107
I-I dressed this rapper,
and we wrote a song
401
00:18:42,175 --> 00:18:45,110
and smoked a, um... a
professional job thingie.
402
00:18:45,178 --> 00:18:47,045
[both laugh]
403
00:18:47,114 --> 00:18:49,555
Well, I'd love to run through
a few questions with you.
404
00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:52,828
But you need to know that
there is travel required.
405
00:18:52,931 --> 00:18:57,499
You'd have to come with me to
Paris a couple of times a year...
406
00:18:57,524 --> 00:18:58,857
- [ringtone plays]
- Oh. Sorry.
407
00:18:58,925 --> 00:19:00,625
Um, I'll be right back.
408
00:19:00,694 --> 00:19:02,294
Yeah.
409
00:19:02,362 --> 00:19:04,496
I don't know, you tell me.
410
00:19:04,564 --> 00:19:06,820
Is an emu the same thing as an ostrich?
411
00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:08,166
I'll wait.
412
00:19:08,235 --> 00:19:09,906
Can you believe this?
413
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:13,838
Sweetie, I think it's amazing
that you want to work, but...
414
00:19:13,907 --> 00:19:16,274
it's only ethical that you
tell her you're with child.
415
00:19:16,343 --> 00:19:19,805
Paul, this woman dressed Porter Potty
for The Good Life premiere
416
00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:21,946
after being retweeted
by Crabby Applepants.
417
00:19:22,015 --> 00:19:24,215
She likes me. Let me handle this.
418
00:19:24,284 --> 00:19:26,318
PRISCILLA: [groans] Sorry about that.
419
00:19:26,386 --> 00:19:29,120
Poachers can be so unreliable.
420
00:19:29,189 --> 00:19:30,989
Anyway, tell me about you guys.
421
00:19:31,058 --> 00:19:33,325
- Do you have any children?
- Nope. [clears throat]
422
00:19:33,393 --> 00:19:34,859
[chuckles] Um...
423
00:19:34,928 --> 00:19:36,661
well, that's not entirely accurate.
424
00:19:36,730 --> 00:19:38,530
Do not take this from me, Paul.
425
00:19:38,598 --> 00:19:40,598
It's entirely accurate. [clears throat]
426
00:19:40,623 --> 00:19:44,182
Ma'am, despite my wife's objections,
427
00:19:44,207 --> 00:19:49,223
I feel we have an ethical obligation
to inform you of something.
428
00:19:49,509 --> 00:19:51,284
- Lindsay's pregnant.
- Oh?
429
00:19:51,309 --> 00:19:52,613
No, I'm not.
430
00:19:52,645 --> 00:19:53,653
[chuckles]
431
00:19:53,678 --> 00:19:56,346
Lindsay, I can't let you mislead her.
432
00:19:56,371 --> 00:19:59,489
- She's pregnant.
- No! I'm not pregnant, Paul.
433
00:19:59,514 --> 00:20:01,730
- There is no baby.
- I had an abortion.
434
00:20:01,755 --> 00:20:03,956
- [gasps]
- Lindsay, don't lie to her.
435
00:20:04,024 --> 00:20:05,957
I'm not lying. Gretchen drove me.
436
00:20:06,026 --> 00:20:08,193
There was a pie flight.
I talked to a sign lady.
437
00:20:08,269 --> 00:20:10,336
- I did that.
- Yeah. Hmm?
438
00:20:10,397 --> 00:20:12,197
- Also, I'm leaving you.
- [groans]
439
00:20:13,967 --> 00:20:16,201
So this is the big Paris, right?
440
00:20:16,269 --> 00:20:18,336
The one with the bread?
441
00:20:18,405 --> 00:20:19,838
Uh...
442
00:20:19,906 --> 00:20:22,395
you guys seem like you
need some time alone.
443
00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:24,920
Why don't you call me when you...
444
00:20:24,945 --> 00:20:26,945
figure all this out.
445
00:20:30,276 --> 00:20:32,343
Paul, are you okay?
446
00:20:33,073 --> 00:20:35,306
[soft, trembling breaths]
447
00:20:42,069 --> 00:20:44,541
I am allowed to reassess my life.
448
00:20:44,604 --> 00:20:46,004
You have no say in it.
449
00:20:46,072 --> 00:20:47,772
So I'm just supposed to wait around
450
00:20:47,841 --> 00:20:50,102
until you think I'm worthy
of being your girlfriend?
451
00:20:50,127 --> 00:20:51,993
That's bullshit, dude.
452
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:54,012
Just tell me one of
the things on your list.
453
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:56,748
Okay, fine. But only if
you tell me one of yours.
454
00:20:56,816 --> 00:20:58,783
[scoffs] Fine.
455
00:20:59,463 --> 00:21:01,553
[sighs]: Okay.
456
00:21:02,105 --> 00:21:04,239
"I can't see having kids with her."
457
00:21:06,649 --> 00:21:07,919
Your turn.
458
00:21:12,559 --> 00:21:14,766
I'm afraid you'll never be successful.
459
00:21:15,341 --> 00:21:18,191
All right, everybody,
quiet down. Quiet down.
460
00:21:18,216 --> 00:21:20,317
I'm Sam. This is my boy Zachary.
461
00:21:20,427 --> 00:21:22,208
Now, we know why we're here today.
462
00:21:22,271 --> 00:21:24,371
Dale and Jaclyn went and eloped,
463
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,707
because they were too cheap
to throw a proper wedding.
464
00:21:26,776 --> 00:21:28,475
[laughter]
465
00:21:28,544 --> 00:21:31,645
"Two people haven't
gotten married that fast
466
00:21:31,714 --> 00:21:35,516
"since Immigration came
for my mom's gardener."
467
00:21:35,585 --> 00:21:37,318
[woman coughs quietly]
468
00:21:37,386 --> 00:21:39,940
It's true that this
courtship was kind of quick,
469
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,255
but the thing is,
470
00:21:41,324 --> 00:21:44,658
when your shadow looks like
a broomstick with an afro,
471
00:21:44,727 --> 00:21:47,294
you lock down the first girl
that lets you touch her titties!
472
00:21:47,363 --> 00:21:48,862
[laughter]
473
00:21:48,931 --> 00:21:51,899
"This-this dude is so ugly...
474
00:21:51,968 --> 00:21:53,934
"his dad left his family
475
00:21:54,003 --> 00:21:56,957
"and asked to go to jail."
476
00:21:57,067 --> 00:21:58,305
[chuckles]
477
00:21:58,374 --> 00:21:59,907
[man clears throat]
478
00:22:00,387 --> 00:22:02,343
[microphone feedback
hums] All joking aside,
479
00:22:02,411 --> 00:22:06,013
it may seem like they
ain't been dating that long,
480
00:22:06,082 --> 00:22:08,449
but when it's the person
you're meant to be with,
481
00:22:08,517 --> 00:22:10,340
- you know right away.
- [people aahing]
482
00:22:10,365 --> 00:22:12,254
And as you get to know them,
483
00:22:12,279 --> 00:22:15,020
you only grow to love them more.
484
00:22:15,954 --> 00:22:17,787
[whispers]
485
00:22:19,528 --> 00:22:21,061
Hey...
486
00:22:21,130 --> 00:22:24,098
uh, "Even if it doesn't work out,
487
00:22:24,166 --> 00:22:28,469
"we all got some wack-ass
ceviche out of it, right?"
488
00:22:28,537 --> 00:22:31,038
- [laughter]
- Ha! Ha-ha!
489
00:22:33,275 --> 00:22:34,274
Oh.
490
00:22:34,343 --> 00:22:35,576
[guitar playing mellow intro]
491
00:22:35,645 --> 00:22:37,444
Sorry about that kiss
thing. I apologize.
492
00:22:41,851 --> 00:22:44,685
I know he stole it. He's the one.
493
00:22:44,754 --> 00:22:46,520
494
00:22:54,063 --> 00:22:58,332
So go and drag your shadow
495
00:22:58,401 --> 00:23:00,968
Back up the street
496
00:23:04,647 --> 00:23:08,709
'Cause Lord knows
I don't want it
497
00:23:08,778 --> 00:23:11,311
Following me
498
00:23:24,493 --> 00:23:27,227
So you and your heartbreak
499
00:23:27,296 --> 00:23:29,797
And all of the mistakes
500
00:23:29,865 --> 00:23:32,633
Are always there...
501
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:35,235
Oh. Right.
502
00:23:35,304 --> 00:23:37,504
You got some heartache
503
00:23:37,573 --> 00:23:39,773
Come meet all my mistakes
504
00:23:39,842 --> 00:23:42,643
And we'll always be there
505
00:23:42,712 --> 00:23:45,036
They're always there
506
00:23:45,146 --> 00:23:47,581
So you and your heartbreak
507
00:23:47,650 --> 00:23:50,017
And all of the mistakes
508
00:23:50,086 --> 00:23:52,820
Are always there
509
00:23:52,888 --> 00:23:55,456
They're always there
510
00:23:55,524 --> 00:23:57,758
I've got some heartache
511
00:23:57,827 --> 00:24:00,294
Come meet all my mistakes
512
00:24:00,362 --> 00:24:02,663
And we'll always be there
513
00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:05,466
They're always there
514
00:24:08,037 --> 00:24:10,337
So I don't know
515
00:24:10,406 --> 00:24:13,661
Why I feel so
516
00:24:13,686 --> 00:24:15,776
Alone
517
00:24:15,977 --> 00:24:17,775
Oh, oh, oh, oh
518
00:24:28,015 --> 00:24:32,015
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
519
00:24:32,065 --> 00:24:36,615
Repair and Synchronization by
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