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[upbeat music]
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_
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_
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I am the one, two, three, four
5
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X marks the spot
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I am the bees' knees
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"Me, Myself,
and O" skyrocketed to number three
8
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on Amazon last night.
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- Oh, my God. Really?
- Yes.
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This Aubrey Alexis mystery is
causing a social media frenzy.
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"My Perfect O" is trending right now.
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Can you imagine how many
orgasms she's had a hand in?
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- She?
- Oh, right. Ew.
14
00:00:31,047 --> 00:00:34,426
- [groans]
- This is causing quite a stir.
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I never expected this
book to actually sell.
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"The Today Show" called.
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Charlie Rose personally called.
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Everyone wants to
interview Aubrey Alexis.
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I'm afraid that's impossible.
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This is absurd.
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It's time she dropped the nom de plume
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and reveal herself, at least to me.
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Diana, I signed a strict NDA.
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Charlie Rose is just going to
have to use his imagination
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00:00:53,225 --> 00:00:54,519
like everyone else.
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Trust me,
you do not want to know what is lurking
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00:00:56,736 --> 00:00:58,136
inside the imagination of Charlie Rose.
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- [phone buzzing]
- Oh, wow.
29
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Aubrey just got invited to read
at the Ladies Who Lust benefit
30
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- tomorrow night.
- What is that?
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The literary icons of
the sexual revolution
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throw it every year.
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What are they raising money for?
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Next year's benefit.
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36
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Well,
clearly Aubrey can't read at that event.
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The bigger this book becomes,
the more dangerous it is for us.
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Can you imagine if her fans
found out that this young woman
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that they've been
identifying with is...
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[whispering] Him?
42
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And that's photoshopped.
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If the truth gets out,
it won't just kill the sales
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of "Me, Myself, and O."
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It'll endanger the entire
"Crown of Kings" franchise,
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which would be a
disaster for the company.
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[upbeat electronic music]
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Whoa, oh, oh
49
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Oh, oh, oh, oh
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- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
51
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To Aubrey Alexis.
52
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Whoever she is.
53
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[laughing] Yeah!
54
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Whoo.
55
00:02:00,865 --> 00:02:03,065
Elizabeth Gilbert has
been tweeting so much
56
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:05,257
that "Vulture" thinks
she's Aubrey Alexis.
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I'd like to eat, pray,
strangle that woman.
58
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"Jezebel" thinks it's Gillian Flynn.
59
00:02:09,915 --> 00:02:11,504
She denied it a full 24 hours
60
00:02:11,529 --> 00:02:13,977
and 20,000 new Instagram
followers later.
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How many more people are
gonna take credit for my work?
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Consider it a good thing.
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It's only boosting sales.
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Right, and it's your name on the check.
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Plus we've had so many
celebrities offer to read
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for Aubrey at the
Ladies Who Lust benefit.
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Really? Who?
68
00:02:27,387 --> 00:02:28,486
Well, three choices:
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00:02:28,511 --> 00:02:30,778
Sarah Silverman, Tavi Gevinson,
70
00:02:30,803 --> 00:02:32,006
and Gwyneth Paltrow.
71
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- [both gasp]
- Gwyneth Paltrow?
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That could be huge.
73
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You get Gwenny,
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You. Me. Turks. Caicos.
75
00:02:39,217 --> 00:02:40,303
- [laughs]
- Oh.
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00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:41,549
Great.
77
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When I come to you
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[upbeat electronic music]
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I couldn't put it down.
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Except for, like, eight different places
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where I needed both hands free.
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Who is this writer,
and why does she understand me
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better than I understand myself?
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She's definitely tapped into something.
85
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- Mm.
- And at the right moment.
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No, it's not about swiping
right and sniffing poppers.
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It is about owning our own pleasure
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00:03:02,297 --> 00:03:03,133
without a man.
89
00:03:03,158 --> 00:03:04,765
Wait, people are still doing poppers?
90
00:03:04,790 --> 00:03:06,171
- Oh, yeah.
- You know, it's interesting
91
00:03:06,196 --> 00:03:08,342
how scientists are now
challenging the theory
92
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that the female orgasm is
designed for pair-bonding
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only so women can get attached
and form stable partnerships.
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Ugh, finally.
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00:03:15,047 --> 00:03:16,330
I mean, some of the
best orgasms I've had
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were with the most unstable partners.
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- Until you.
- Aw.
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Seriously, I've had way
better sex with guys
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that I've hate-banged.
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What about you?
101
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Oh, well, you know me.
102
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The more unattached,
the more uninhibited.
103
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- Oh.
- Right?
104
00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:31,376
Get me off twice then call me an Uber.
105
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Get me off three times and
you can call me anything.
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[laughter]
107
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Something's vibrating.
108
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Yes, and it is not what you
left in my call room bunk bed
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last weekend.
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This is Dr. Horowitz. I was paged.
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Okay, um, can I make, like,
a "Me, Myself, and O" confession?
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Mm.
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Max is the first man that's
ever made me orgasm from sex.
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Both: Ooh.
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Yes, I mean, as a doctor,
he really understands the depths
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of our complex female anatomy.
117
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Like lesbian sex?
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Yes, but with much less talking.
119
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Okay, can I make a confession?
120
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Oh, yes.
121
00:04:03,964 --> 00:04:06,164
Every time I go to...
122
00:04:06,189 --> 00:04:07,595
- Beat around your bush?
- That.
123
00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:08,545
Mm-hmm. Yep.
124
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I think about Thad
125
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and then I remember that he's dead,
126
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and I feel like I...
127
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A necrophiliac.
128
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No!
129
00:04:15,717 --> 00:04:17,786
No, I... I lose my...
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Lady boner!
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Yes.
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I have to get back to the hospital
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and extract a LEGO sheriff
from someone's rectum.
134
00:04:23,237 --> 00:04:24,642
- Ooh.
- Yes.
135
00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:26,962
Okay, but you better text
us if that's someone famous.
136
00:04:26,987 --> 00:04:27,891
- Absolutely.
- Great.
137
00:04:27,915 --> 00:04:29,123
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
138
00:04:29,148 --> 00:04:31,318
People are really into
butt stuff these days.
139
00:04:31,343 --> 00:04:33,174
140
00:04:33,199 --> 00:04:35,816
So who exactly was that in there?
141
00:04:35,841 --> 00:04:39,332
Was that 26-year-old
Liza or 40-year-old Liza?
142
00:04:39,357 --> 00:04:41,017
Definitely the 26 year old.
143
00:04:41,042 --> 00:04:43,427
Good. Had me worried for a minute.
144
00:04:43,452 --> 00:04:45,486
Yeah, the 40 year old has
a very limited resume.
145
00:04:45,511 --> 00:04:46,501
Oh, yeah?
146
00:04:46,526 --> 00:04:48,106
How limited are we talking about here?
147
00:04:48,132 --> 00:04:50,498
I lost my v-card freshman year to my TA,
148
00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:53,040
then I met David, and now you.
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00:04:53,445 --> 00:04:55,012
Wait.
150
00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:57,812
You only slept with three dudes, right?
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00:04:57,837 --> 00:04:59,833
That's what you're saying? Like, three?
152
00:04:59,858 --> 00:05:00,717
One less than four?
153
00:05:00,742 --> 00:05:01,983
That's the three we're
talking about here?
154
00:05:02,008 --> 00:05:03,893
Yeah, I got married
right out of college.
155
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:08,619
I guess I didn't have those
years of sex-ploration.
156
00:05:08,644 --> 00:05:10,500
- [sighs]
- Until now.
157
00:05:10,525 --> 00:05:11,543
All right.
158
00:05:11,568 --> 00:05:13,260
Yeah. Mm.
159
00:05:13,285 --> 00:05:15,199
And that... that doesn't
bother you at all?
160
00:05:15,224 --> 00:05:16,500
Like,
you don't feel like you need to make up
161
00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:17,756
for lost time or anything?
162
00:05:17,781 --> 00:05:19,281
Well, what do you think I'm doing now?
163
00:05:19,306 --> 00:05:22,170
Babe, that's a lot of
responsibility for one person.
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00:05:22,195 --> 00:05:23,987
Well, you know what they say:
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third time's a charm.
166
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Hey, wait. What's your number?
167
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What?
168
00:05:30,559 --> 00:05:31,339
169
00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:32,320
Uh...
170
00:05:32,345 --> 00:05:33,598
it's, like, you know, like,
171
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a multiple of three.
172
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173
00:05:36,116 --> 00:05:37,474
It's, like...
174
00:05:37,499 --> 00:05:38,660
What, like six?
175
00:05:38,685 --> 00:05:39,654
Yeah, sure.
176
00:05:39,679 --> 00:05:41,011
Oh, hey
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00:05:42,608 --> 00:05:45,575
[upbeat rock music]
178
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179
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,124
- Hey.
- Hey.
180
00:05:51,879 --> 00:05:53,612
"The Kosher Butcher's Daughter"?
181
00:05:53,637 --> 00:05:55,467
- Are you sleeping with her too?
- [laughs]
182
00:05:55,491 --> 00:05:57,801
No, I'm making Friday
night dinner for Malkie
183
00:05:57,826 --> 00:05:59,134
and her friends.
184
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:03,028
It's sort of a Shabbat/apology
for polluting the mikveh.
185
00:06:03,053 --> 00:06:04,786
Yeah, we definitely
should not have crashed
186
00:06:04,811 --> 00:06:06,242
an Orthodox woman's bath.
187
00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:09,311
That's why the brisket needs
to be really, really good.
188
00:06:09,542 --> 00:06:12,651
Hey, how many sexual
partners have you had?
189
00:06:12,878 --> 00:06:14,373
At the same time?
190
00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:15,497
Never mind.
191
00:06:15,522 --> 00:06:16,591
[jazzy music]
192
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[upbeat music]
193
00:06:19,416 --> 00:06:22,367
194
00:06:23,431 --> 00:06:24,597
Oh, hey. Good morning.
195
00:06:24,622 --> 00:06:25,509
Good news.
196
00:06:25,534 --> 00:06:27,772
I just got word that
Gwyneth is in for tonight.
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00:06:27,797 --> 00:06:29,465
[gasps] That's great.
198
00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:30,990
She's gonna "goop" it and everything.
199
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,606
- Oh.
- "Who Is Aubrey Alexis?"
200
00:06:33,631 --> 00:06:35,749
The question everyone is asking.
201
00:06:35,774 --> 00:06:37,841
"Is she an MFA student
at the New School?
202
00:06:37,866 --> 00:06:40,011
"A Midwestern housewife
who hides her vibrator
203
00:06:40,036 --> 00:06:41,368
in a Lord & Taylor bag?"
204
00:06:41,393 --> 00:06:44,109
Well, tonight she's going
to be Gwyneth Paltrow.
205
00:06:44,133 --> 00:06:46,080
She's reading for Aubrey?
206
00:06:46,105 --> 00:06:47,501
That's wonderful.
207
00:06:48,404 --> 00:06:50,740
Radha is going to be thrilled.
208
00:06:50,765 --> 00:06:53,309
Don't we all love just
love to thrill Radha.
209
00:06:53,334 --> 00:06:57,165
210
00:06:57,997 --> 00:07:00,190
Do you think I made too much food?
211
00:07:00,215 --> 00:07:01,531
Are you kidding?
212
00:07:01,556 --> 00:07:02,556
These are Jewish women.
213
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,423
They would eat Lebanon
if it would just separate
214
00:07:04,448 --> 00:07:05,490
from the continent.
215
00:07:05,515 --> 00:07:06,713
- Hello, hello.
- Hey!
216
00:07:06,738 --> 00:07:07,934
Wow.
217
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,728
[all speaking at once]
218
00:07:09,752 --> 00:07:11,686
Hi. Oh, my God.
219
00:07:11,711 --> 00:07:13,077
Hi. How are you?
220
00:07:13,102 --> 00:07:16,587
Talia, Estie, this is my Maggie,
221
00:07:16,612 --> 00:07:17,999
and you've already met Sarah.
222
00:07:18,024 --> 00:07:19,624
Welcome. Shabbat Shalom.
223
00:07:19,649 --> 00:07:20,717
Both: Shabbat Shalom.
224
00:07:20,742 --> 00:07:22,622
Here we have sweet potato latkes
225
00:07:22,647 --> 00:07:24,947
and lox crostini to start.
226
00:07:24,972 --> 00:07:27,849
Wow. Usually someone has to
die to get food this nice.
227
00:07:27,874 --> 00:07:28,649
[laughter]
228
00:07:28,674 --> 00:07:30,654
Oh, and here. Israeli wine.
229
00:07:30,679 --> 00:07:32,287
Uh, I shouldn't.
230
00:07:32,312 --> 00:07:33,854
All right. Just a teeny tiny drop.
231
00:07:33,878 --> 00:07:35,365
- Okay.
- It's fine, right?
232
00:07:35,390 --> 00:07:36,834
- Totally.
- Yeah, more than that.
233
00:07:36,859 --> 00:07:37,385
Yep.
234
00:07:37,410 --> 00:07:39,886
So how do you all know each other?
235
00:07:39,911 --> 00:07:43,079
Well, Sarah was formerly
engaged to my brother.
236
00:07:43,104 --> 00:07:46,338
And I milked Talia's honey in
the Bedouin Tents on Birthright.
237
00:07:46,363 --> 00:07:48,096
You could've just said that we dated.
238
00:07:48,121 --> 00:07:49,395
I could have.
239
00:07:49,420 --> 00:07:51,956
But now I'm married to Deb,
who couldn't make it.
240
00:07:51,981 --> 00:07:53,245
But you're gonna meet her.
241
00:07:53,270 --> 00:07:54,814
Maggie, you made all this?
242
00:07:54,839 --> 00:07:57,174
We all cheat and go to Zabar's.
243
00:07:57,199 --> 00:07:59,400
Some of us even go to Trader Joe's.
244
00:07:59,425 --> 00:08:01,546
That was during a
fricking hurricane, Sarah.
245
00:08:01,651 --> 00:08:03,786
Do you know how many times
I wanted to be Amy Irving
246
00:08:03,811 --> 00:08:04,810
in "Crossing Delancey"?
247
00:08:04,835 --> 00:08:06,235
Oh, I love that movie.
248
00:08:06,260 --> 00:08:08,017
Except for the pickle man.
Reminds me of my ex.
249
00:08:08,042 --> 00:08:10,389
'Cause she could only
climax from a pickle claw.
250
00:08:10,414 --> 00:08:14,049
Ah, well, the true test of a
sustainable relationship is
251
00:08:14,074 --> 00:08:15,739
"does it give me carpal tunnel?"
252
00:08:15,764 --> 00:08:16,906
[laughs] That is a good one.
253
00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:18,041
That's really good.
254
00:08:18,066 --> 00:08:20,923
255
00:08:21,847 --> 00:08:23,379
_
256
00:08:23,404 --> 00:08:24,260
_
257
00:08:24,285 --> 00:08:24,768
_
258
00:08:24,793 --> 00:08:25,793
_
259
00:08:27,070 --> 00:08:29,394
Why does each writer's nametag
feature a dirty phrase?
260
00:08:29,419 --> 00:08:31,748
It's their literary
erotic claim to fame.
261
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,380
Oh. A hummer.
262
00:08:34,405 --> 00:08:36,123
[laughs] Silver balling.
263
00:08:36,148 --> 00:08:37,665
You'll understand when you're older.
264
00:08:37,690 --> 00:08:40,722
265
00:08:40,747 --> 00:08:43,728
Mm-hmm. There's Daphne Merkin.
266
00:08:43,753 --> 00:08:46,078
Ooh, and Eve Ensler.
267
00:08:46,102 --> 00:08:48,468
It's a very impressive group.
268
00:08:48,493 --> 00:08:49,892
I agree.
269
00:08:49,917 --> 00:08:51,859
What's Liza doing here?
270
00:08:52,429 --> 00:08:54,463
Aubrey Alexis is her author.
271
00:08:54,488 --> 00:08:55,234
Ooh.
272
00:08:55,259 --> 00:08:57,152
Well, you must tell me
who Aubrey really is.
273
00:08:57,177 --> 00:08:59,131
Or at least a subtle
hint in her direction.
274
00:08:59,156 --> 00:09:00,234
If only I could.
275
00:09:00,259 --> 00:09:01,057
[laughs]
276
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,598
Pam Pam!
277
00:09:02,623 --> 00:09:06,323
Now "Gawker" is claiming
Lena Dunham is Aubrey Alexis.
278
00:09:06,347 --> 00:09:09,601
We've already seen her
slippery oyster on HBO GO.
279
00:09:09,626 --> 00:09:12,195
Don't they know the woman
has nothing left to hide?
280
00:09:12,220 --> 00:09:13,652
Edward, what are you doing here?
281
00:09:13,677 --> 00:09:16,199
I'm not gonna miss the
inaugural public reading
282
00:09:16,224 --> 00:09:17,040
of my book.
283
00:09:17,065 --> 00:09:19,699
Oh, you mean Aubrey's book.
284
00:09:19,724 --> 00:09:21,838
Well, of course I do,
but that doesn't mean
285
00:09:21,863 --> 00:09:24,354
I'll tolerate others
stealing my thunder.
286
00:09:24,379 --> 00:09:26,084
Ooh, Toni Morrison.
287
00:09:26,109 --> 00:09:27,142
Toni! [laughs]
288
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,666
Excuse me. Hey, girl!
289
00:09:28,691 --> 00:09:29,882
[laughing]
290
00:09:29,907 --> 00:09:32,358
- Excuse me for one second.
- Oh, okay.
291
00:09:32,383 --> 00:09:33,582
Did you know he was coming?
292
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:34,807
No, I had no idea.
293
00:09:34,832 --> 00:09:35,667
Will this be a problem?
294
00:09:35,692 --> 00:09:36,724
No, I don't think so.
295
00:09:36,749 --> 00:09:38,170
Everyone's attention will be on Gwyneth.
296
00:09:38,195 --> 00:09:39,394
What are you two whispering about?
297
00:09:39,419 --> 00:09:41,521
- Uh, nothing.
- Nothing.
298
00:09:43,655 --> 00:09:46,255
Can I get a quote on tonight's event,
Ms. Peters?
299
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,465
Sorry. Have we met?
300
00:09:48,490 --> 00:09:49,900
Colin McNichol.
301
00:09:49,926 --> 00:09:51,659
I did a piece on
"The New Yorker"'s Page-Turner blog
302
00:09:51,684 --> 00:09:53,084
about what makes a book millennial.
303
00:09:53,109 --> 00:09:54,731
Right.
304
00:09:55,232 --> 00:09:57,730
You said my imprint had
yet to prove itself.
305
00:09:57,755 --> 00:09:59,221
No, I said you had the potential
306
00:09:59,246 --> 00:10:00,652
to be a notable influencer.
307
00:10:00,677 --> 00:10:03,633
Well, then I will potentially
consider thanking you.
308
00:10:03,961 --> 00:10:05,251
What's your next piece on, Colin?
309
00:10:05,276 --> 00:10:06,865
It's a "Talk of the Town."
310
00:10:06,890 --> 00:10:08,378
My first in the print
magazine, actually.
311
00:10:08,403 --> 00:10:10,146
- That's a big step.
- It is.
312
00:10:10,171 --> 00:10:11,870
You could make it even bigger
313
00:10:11,896 --> 00:10:14,164
if you unveiled the
identity of Aubrey Alexis.
314
00:10:14,188 --> 00:10:15,548
[chuckles]
315
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:19,305
Points for being so direct,
but I'm sworn to secrecy.
316
00:10:19,330 --> 00:10:20,682
You don't mind direct questions?
317
00:10:20,706 --> 00:10:21,705
I prefer them.
318
00:10:21,730 --> 00:10:22,602
What about secrets?
319
00:10:22,627 --> 00:10:24,019
It depends on what kind.
320
00:10:24,044 --> 00:10:25,975
Well, this club is brimming with them.
321
00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:28,602
If you'd like,
I could show you one of my favorites.
322
00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:29,953
Hmm.
323
00:10:29,978 --> 00:10:31,245
324
00:10:31,270 --> 00:10:34,144
That was the juiciest
brisket I have ever eaten.
325
00:10:34,169 --> 00:10:35,182
Mm-hmm.
326
00:10:35,207 --> 00:10:36,825
Except for that one time in Tulum.
327
00:10:36,850 --> 00:10:37,621
Please don't.
328
00:10:37,646 --> 00:10:39,980
I'll email you the recipe. [laughs]
329
00:10:40,005 --> 00:10:42,128
We should host every
Sapphic Shabbat here.
330
00:10:42,153 --> 00:10:42,615
[all gasp]
331
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:43,239
Right?
332
00:10:43,265 --> 00:10:46,239
Let's make a toast to our Sabbath queen.
333
00:10:46,264 --> 00:10:46,926
Yes.
334
00:10:46,951 --> 00:10:48,076
Alll: Maggie!
335
00:10:48,101 --> 00:10:49,154
[all cheering]
336
00:10:49,179 --> 00:10:50,694
Oh, Maggie,
337
00:10:50,719 --> 00:10:53,605
you should to come to our
self-renewal retreat at Kripalu.
338
00:10:53,630 --> 00:10:54,535
Yes!
339
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,248
What are you doing
for the High Holidays?
340
00:10:56,274 --> 00:10:58,313
We have the most amazing Cantor.
341
00:10:58,337 --> 00:10:59,737
[whispering] She's family.
342
00:10:59,762 --> 00:11:01,676
Oh, and you have to sit with
us at the Rainbow Jews Gala.
343
00:11:01,701 --> 00:11:04,166
And don't...
don't forget my baby-naming party!
344
00:11:04,191 --> 00:11:05,520
Oh, you can name the baby.
345
00:11:05,545 --> 00:11:07,093
- Are you okay?
- Where are you going?
346
00:11:07,119 --> 00:11:09,259
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I just... too much Kosher wine.
347
00:11:09,283 --> 00:11:10,473
Excuse me.
348
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:16,724
349
00:11:26,762 --> 00:11:27,945
[knocking on door]
350
00:11:27,970 --> 00:11:29,061
Mm.
351
00:11:29,086 --> 00:11:30,864
Hold on! I'm just...
352
00:11:31,305 --> 00:11:34,355
I feel like this little guy's
doing just donkey kicks... ugh...
353
00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:35,698
On my bladder.
354
00:11:35,724 --> 00:11:37,889
[sighs] Oh, wow.
355
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:41,141
This bathroom is just as funky
as the rest of your apartment.
356
00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:43,236
- I like your vibe, Maggie.
- Isn't it great?
357
00:11:43,276 --> 00:11:44,863
Hey, did you make that one, babe?
358
00:11:44,888 --> 00:11:47,139
- Oh, is that you?
- Uh, no, no.
359
00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:48,660
I got that one at a
flea market in Greece.
360
00:11:48,686 --> 00:11:49,935
When did you go to Greece?
361
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,601
Why don't I tell you in the kitchen.
362
00:11:51,626 --> 00:11:53,100
I'm gonna go pour some more wine.
363
00:11:53,125 --> 00:11:55,436
- Any... anyone?
- Yes!
364
00:11:55,461 --> 00:11:56,464
Kidding.
365
00:11:56,489 --> 00:12:02,300
366
00:12:02,989 --> 00:12:04,985
Where are you taking me?
367
00:12:05,010 --> 00:12:06,510
You'll see.
368
00:12:06,535 --> 00:12:08,440
[chuckles]
369
00:12:08,883 --> 00:12:12,083
I saw the sun opened up
370
00:12:12,108 --> 00:12:13,538
[elevator bell dings]
371
00:12:13,563 --> 00:12:15,567
Here we are.
372
00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:18,550
What is this place?
373
00:12:18,575 --> 00:12:21,549
This is where they house all
their secret archival treasures.
374
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:22,372
[laughs]
375
00:12:22,397 --> 00:12:23,729
And how do you have a key?
376
00:12:23,754 --> 00:12:25,428
I'm doing research for a piece.
377
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:26,659
Oh.
378
00:12:26,683 --> 00:12:29,124
This is the last love
letter that Keats wrote
379
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,683
to Fanny Brawne before
he died at the age of 25.
380
00:12:31,708 --> 00:12:33,121
Wow.
381
00:12:33,146 --> 00:12:35,315
"How I applied this to you, my dear;
382
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:37,374
"how I palpated it...
383
00:12:37,677 --> 00:12:41,307
"how the certainty that you were
in the same world with myself,
384
00:12:41,332 --> 00:12:44,810
and though as beautiful,
not so talismanic."
385
00:12:44,835 --> 00:12:46,852
"Not so talismanic"?
386
00:12:46,877 --> 00:12:48,535
He's saying she had magical powers
387
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,036
that turned men melancholy.
388
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:51,060
Oh.
389
00:12:51,085 --> 00:12:53,035
- Sounds like me.
- Oh.
390
00:12:53,068 --> 00:12:57,326
Well, I think you turn
men far from melancholic.
391
00:12:58,215 --> 00:13:00,190
[phone buzzing]
392
00:13:00,216 --> 00:13:01,883
393
00:13:02,177 --> 00:13:04,120
Oh, no. Oh, God.
394
00:13:04,145 --> 00:13:05,265
I... I got to go.
395
00:13:05,290 --> 00:13:06,710
Come and find me later.
396
00:13:06,735 --> 00:13:08,902
397
00:13:08,927 --> 00:13:10,493
Gwyneth had a what?
398
00:13:10,518 --> 00:13:12,682
A vagina-steaming incident.
399
00:13:12,707 --> 00:13:15,639
No, I heard you.
I just wish I could un-hear it.
400
00:13:15,664 --> 00:13:16,820
Why would she steam it?
401
00:13:16,844 --> 00:13:19,388
The vagina is already self-cleaning.
402
00:13:19,492 --> 00:13:21,349
Is it too late to find a substitute?
403
00:13:21,374 --> 00:13:22,263
I'm already on it.
404
00:13:22,288 --> 00:13:23,319
No, no, no, no!
405
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,105
Enough with everyone claiming credit.
406
00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:25,887
I want to read it.
407
00:13:25,912 --> 00:13:28,486
I want to come out as
the real Aubrey Alexis
408
00:13:28,511 --> 00:13:29,510
once and for all.
409
00:13:29,617 --> 00:13:30,514
Edward...
410
00:13:30,539 --> 00:13:32,537
Don't try and talk me
out of this, Charles.
411
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,447
- [gasps]
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
412
00:13:34,472 --> 00:13:36,660
Wait, Edward, Edward,
Edward, Edward, Edward.
413
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,320
I understand your frustration.
414
00:13:38,345 --> 00:13:39,330
I really do.
415
00:13:39,355 --> 00:13:42,229
It's... it's difficult to keep a secret.
416
00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:45,522
Especially when you pretend
to be someone else in order
417
00:13:45,547 --> 00:13:47,638
to be taken seriously
in your profession.
418
00:13:47,663 --> 00:13:48,982
But your book...
419
00:13:49,391 --> 00:13:54,094
Your book has helped so many
young women unlock their desire
420
00:13:54,119 --> 00:13:58,166
and discover their bodies and
enact their sexual freedom.
421
00:13:58,191 --> 00:13:59,791
And what's more important?
422
00:13:59,816 --> 00:14:03,694
Exposing the truth or
allowing your readers
423
00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:07,644
to enjoy the collective fantasy
that Aubrey Alexis is the voice
424
00:14:07,669 --> 00:14:09,342
of women everywhere?
425
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:12,605
Then you should read
it, Princess Pam Pam.
426
00:14:12,630 --> 00:14:13,509
Wait, what?
427
00:14:13,535 --> 00:14:15,469
I want you to read for Aubrey Alexis.
428
00:14:15,494 --> 00:14:17,371
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I... I can't.
429
00:14:17,396 --> 00:14:19,636
I... I'm not good at...
I don't public speaking.
430
00:14:19,661 --> 00:14:23,123
Either Pam Pam reads or I will.
431
00:14:23,148 --> 00:14:25,604
[quirky music]
432
00:14:25,629 --> 00:14:27,843
433
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:32,028
Now we will end with our newest author.
434
00:14:32,053 --> 00:14:37,153
Though we can't say who she is,
"Me, Myself, and O" has awakened
435
00:14:37,178 --> 00:14:40,218
a new generation of young women.
436
00:14:40,243 --> 00:14:43,044
Please welcome Gwyneth Pal...
437
00:14:43,220 --> 00:14:48,800
Nope, Liza Miller,
reading for the enigmatic sensation,
438
00:14:48,825 --> 00:14:50,792
Aubrey Alexis.
439
00:14:50,817 --> 00:14:53,651
[applause]
440
00:14:58,176 --> 00:15:00,310
[electronic feedback]
441
00:15:00,335 --> 00:15:01,824
[quirky music]
442
00:15:01,849 --> 00:15:04,130
"I lay on the bed quivering,
443
00:15:04,155 --> 00:15:08,120
"my hands lingering over my panties.
444
00:15:08,145 --> 00:15:12,129
"I could feel my woman pulse
throbbing through the lace.
445
00:15:12,889 --> 00:15:15,495
"And as I slid my fingers inside...
446
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:19,905
"towards the place no man
could ever fully penetrate,
447
00:15:20,114 --> 00:15:23,717
I felt my flower begin to blossom"...
448
00:15:23,742 --> 00:15:25,118
Both: "To release."
449
00:15:25,143 --> 00:15:26,910
"To burst open.
450
00:15:26,935 --> 00:15:28,953
To explode."
451
00:15:29,248 --> 00:15:31,913
I am Aubrey Alexis!
452
00:15:31,938 --> 00:15:34,304
I am Aubrey Alexis!
453
00:15:34,340 --> 00:15:35,721
Yes!
454
00:15:35,746 --> 00:15:38,153
I am Aubrey Alexis!
455
00:15:38,183 --> 00:15:40,537
[laughing]
456
00:15:40,562 --> 00:15:42,000
I am Aubrey Alexis!
457
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:43,136
No.
458
00:15:43,161 --> 00:15:44,920
I am Aubrey Alexis.
459
00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:46,952
I am Aubrey Alexis!
460
00:15:46,977 --> 00:15:48,416
All: I am Aubrey Alexis.
461
00:15:48,441 --> 00:15:49,322
No!
462
00:15:49,347 --> 00:15:51,147
All: I am Aubrey Alexis!
463
00:15:51,172 --> 00:15:51,953
No!
464
00:15:51,978 --> 00:15:53,515
All: I am Aubrey Alexis!
465
00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:56,120
I am Aubrey Alexis!
466
00:15:56,145 --> 00:15:58,463
467
00:16:00,473 --> 00:16:03,264
My friends loved you.
468
00:16:03,289 --> 00:16:05,791
Yeah, and I... I really liked them.
469
00:16:06,307 --> 00:16:07,823
But, um...
470
00:16:07,848 --> 00:16:10,200
you know, I just don't
think I can do this.
471
00:16:10,225 --> 00:16:11,552
Do what?
472
00:16:11,577 --> 00:16:13,760
This. Us.
473
00:16:13,785 --> 00:16:17,080
- Them.
- I... I don't understand.
474
00:16:17,105 --> 00:16:18,334
You know, Malkie, I realized tonight
475
00:16:18,359 --> 00:16:19,413
that I don't know if
I'm ready for, like,
476
00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:21,521
a real relationship
and all it comes with.
477
00:16:21,546 --> 00:16:23,620
The new food, the new friends.
478
00:16:23,645 --> 00:16:25,078
I mean, they booked up my weekends
479
00:16:25,103 --> 00:16:26,394
for, like, the next three years.
480
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:27,802
I know they can be a lot.
481
00:16:27,827 --> 00:16:29,511
No, that's the thing. It's not them.
482
00:16:29,536 --> 00:16:33,186
It's just that I don't
fly in a lesbian flock.
483
00:16:33,211 --> 00:16:34,889
I'm more of a lone owl.
484
00:16:34,946 --> 00:16:37,013
Well, I... I wouldn't
want you to pretend
485
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,434
to be someone you're not.
486
00:16:38,459 --> 00:16:40,003
[sighs]
487
00:16:40,228 --> 00:16:41,561
So what now?
488
00:16:41,586 --> 00:16:45,055
Well, we always have our tomato patch.
489
00:16:45,891 --> 00:16:48,064
Come here.
490
00:16:51,493 --> 00:16:53,224
Was it the bathroom?
491
00:16:53,306 --> 00:16:54,966
That didn't help.
492
00:16:54,991 --> 00:16:55,944
[chuckles]
493
00:16:55,969 --> 00:16:56,792
Got to be honest.
494
00:16:56,817 --> 00:16:59,773
[upbeat music]
495
00:17:00,526 --> 00:17:03,672
Liza, thank you for stepping in
496
00:17:03,697 --> 00:17:05,703
and being so game tonight.
497
00:17:06,189 --> 00:17:09,136
If it means keeping L.L.
Moore in the Empirical family,
498
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:10,194
it was worth it.
499
00:17:10,219 --> 00:17:12,796
We, uh, we are a family.
500
00:17:12,821 --> 00:17:16,751
A dysfunctional one sometimes, but...
501
00:17:16,776 --> 00:17:18,480
All the best families are.
502
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,470
Oh, you two again.
503
00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:22,960
Hope you don't mind that
I'm taking him home.
504
00:17:22,985 --> 00:17:24,141
What? Me?
505
00:17:24,166 --> 00:17:26,265
No, no, he's yours to take.
506
00:17:26,450 --> 00:17:28,304
It was, uh, it was
good to see you again.
507
00:17:28,329 --> 00:17:30,096
Always a pleasure.
508
00:17:32,086 --> 00:17:35,254
[light instrumental music]
509
00:17:35,566 --> 00:17:36,927
510
00:17:37,352 --> 00:17:39,624
Hey. Who you looking for?
511
00:17:39,649 --> 00:17:41,083
Well, I met someone tonight.
512
00:17:41,107 --> 00:17:42,919
This cute "New Yorker" writer.
513
00:17:42,945 --> 00:17:44,663
- They make those?
- I know.
514
00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:45,865
Like, a rare breed.
515
00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:47,296
I'm pretty sure he was flirting with me,
516
00:17:47,321 --> 00:17:49,295
but then he never
asked me for my number.
517
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,983
- Hm.
- [sighs]
518
00:17:51,008 --> 00:17:52,080
I'm already sick of being single.
519
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:53,488
It gets better.
520
00:17:53,513 --> 00:17:56,183
That's what they say to kids
who are severely bullied.
521
00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:57,176
522
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,601
Come on.
523
00:17:58,626 --> 00:18:02,828
524
00:18:03,952 --> 00:18:05,521
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
525
00:18:05,546 --> 00:18:07,833
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
526
00:18:07,858 --> 00:18:10,268
Imagine my surprise when I opened my
"New Yorker"
527
00:18:10,293 --> 00:18:12,272
this morning...
A ritual I enjoy every Monday...
528
00:18:12,297 --> 00:18:13,603
And I saw your name.
529
00:18:13,776 --> 00:18:14,909
Me?
530
00:18:14,934 --> 00:18:16,692
Your self-obsessed millennial antics
531
00:18:16,717 --> 00:18:19,753
are splashed all over
my "Talk of the Town."
532
00:18:25,132 --> 00:18:26,464
Oh, my God. Here it is.
533
00:18:26,489 --> 00:18:27,552
"I am Aubrey Alexis."
534
00:18:27,577 --> 00:18:29,624
"In a climactic moment, Kelsey Peters,
535
00:18:29,649 --> 00:18:32,731
"the talismanic beauty who runs
Empirical's Millennial Press,
536
00:18:32,756 --> 00:18:35,734
led the 'I'm Spartacu" rallying cry."
537
00:18:35,759 --> 00:18:37,403
Talismanic beauty.
538
00:18:37,428 --> 00:18:39,274
Is this the cute "New Yorker" writer?
539
00:18:39,299 --> 00:18:40,413
- Yeah.
- Ooh!
540
00:18:40,438 --> 00:18:42,433
And he's flirting with you in
"The New Yorker"?
541
00:18:42,458 --> 00:18:44,877
Who needs texting when you have
"Talk of the Town"?
542
00:18:44,902 --> 00:18:47,067
Scroll down. I want this guy's email.
543
00:18:47,092 --> 00:18:48,171
Uh-huh.
544
00:18:48,196 --> 00:18:49,423
[light instrumental music]
545
00:18:49,448 --> 00:18:50,908
_
546
00:18:50,933 --> 00:18:52,876
547
00:18:53,542 --> 00:18:54,774
[sighs]
548
00:18:54,879 --> 00:19:00,350
_
549
00:19:00,803 --> 00:19:02,684
[computer dings]
550
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,038
551
00:19:05,418 --> 00:19:09,266
_
552
00:19:14,672 --> 00:19:16,714
[knocking on door]
553
00:19:17,152 --> 00:19:19,196
- Hey.
- Hi, hi, hi, hi.
554
00:19:19,221 --> 00:19:21,283
555
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,034
Oh, no. Not you too.
556
00:19:24,059 --> 00:19:25,138
What? Oh, yeah.
557
00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:26,122
Yeah. I read it.
558
00:19:26,148 --> 00:19:27,180
- [laughs]
- It's good.
559
00:19:27,205 --> 00:19:29,387
It's so dirty, but...
560
00:19:30,006 --> 00:19:31,267
I... I liked it.
561
00:19:31,292 --> 00:19:32,874
Made me really think about you.
562
00:19:32,899 --> 00:19:34,539
- It did?
- Yeah.
563
00:19:34,564 --> 00:19:37,522
This woman, she had to explore the world
564
00:19:37,547 --> 00:19:42,557
and bang a bunch of dudes to
finally find her perfect O.
565
00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:45,734
See, I read it that
she had it all along.
566
00:19:45,759 --> 00:19:47,361
She didn't need to go anywhere.
567
00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:48,553
No, she did.
568
00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:49,985
She did.
569
00:19:50,010 --> 00:19:53,304
I mean, she learned orgasmic
meditation from Raul,
570
00:19:53,329 --> 00:19:55,779
and circular breathing
from Karim, and...
571
00:19:55,804 --> 00:19:57,775
Wow, you really studied that book.
572
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,623
Yeah. [laughs]
573
00:19:59,648 --> 00:20:02,393
I don't know.
I think experience is important.
574
00:20:03,044 --> 00:20:04,314
You know?
575
00:20:04,339 --> 00:20:09,030
I wouldn't want you to regret
576
00:20:09,055 --> 00:20:12,384
jumping into this relationship
too soon after your marriage.
577
00:20:12,542 --> 00:20:14,202
I could never regret you.
578
00:20:14,227 --> 00:20:17,817
Maybe you haven't experienced
enough to know that.
579
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,541
Which is why...
580
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:22,390
I got you this.
581
00:20:22,415 --> 00:20:23,468
582
00:20:23,493 --> 00:20:25,445
- A present?
- Yes.
583
00:20:25,470 --> 00:20:26,797
Just open it.
584
00:20:26,822 --> 00:20:28,870
585
00:20:31,865 --> 00:20:34,538
"Free pass for number four."
586
00:20:34,563 --> 00:20:36,095
You want me to sleep with someone else?
587
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,766
No. No.
588
00:20:37,892 --> 00:20:39,741
I want you
589
00:20:39,766 --> 00:20:43,834
to have the chance to explore, you know.
590
00:20:44,163 --> 00:20:48,203
But it's good for one night only,
591
00:20:48,228 --> 00:20:50,571
and I never want to hear about it.
592
00:20:50,662 --> 00:20:51,619
Ever.
593
00:20:51,644 --> 00:20:53,523
Ever, ever.
594
00:20:54,090 --> 00:20:58,166
Well, I don't plan on
cashing this in anytime soon.
595
00:20:58,191 --> 00:20:59,619
Great.
596
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:01,294
Unless...
597
00:21:01,319 --> 00:21:03,291
Oh. Yes?
598
00:21:03,316 --> 00:21:06,184
I pretend you're somebody else tonight.
599
00:21:06,209 --> 00:21:08,875
And who exactly would I be?
600
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:12,882
Oh, let's pretend that
you're really the 40 year old
601
00:21:13,030 --> 00:21:14,953
and I'm really the 26 year old.
602
00:21:14,978 --> 00:21:18,049
Like, so some kind of,
like, older man fantasy?
603
00:21:18,074 --> 00:21:20,763
Oh, no. Just a little age reversal.
604
00:21:20,924 --> 00:21:22,483
Yeah, I think I can roll with this.
605
00:21:22,508 --> 00:21:23,611
[laughs]
606
00:21:23,636 --> 00:21:25,482
I mean, I learned from
the master, so...
607
00:21:25,507 --> 00:21:29,866
Soon we'll be on the way
608
00:21:30,366 --> 00:21:31,734
I need you
609
00:21:31,759 --> 00:21:33,298
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
610
00:21:33,323 --> 00:21:33,960
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
611
00:21:34,010 --> 00:21:38,560
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