Original subtitles

_

I've got a proposition.

Meet me at the Carlyle tonight at 9:00.

You're gonna kiss him again. I know you.

I'm so sorry about last night.

I just want you to know...

It was just a kiss, Liza. Let it go.

Nobody at work knows this, but I'm 40.

I'm gonna sign with Millennial on one condition:

I use you as a case study.

[upbeat music]

[phone dings]

[chuckles]

[phone dings]

Yeah, that's the... exactly. That's the same issue.

Yes.

Morning.

Well, it's all open for discussion.

Okay, that's his people calling me now.

I'll try you back from the office.

I'll be there in five.

Hello? Hi, yes. Charles.

[indie rock music]

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

You are being blogged and podcasted

everywhere that matters.

Oh, and we've got you listicled

on Buzzfeed and Refinery29.

By Wednesday, there won't be a millennial

who hasn't heard, read, or socially transmitted

"The Deciding Decade."

And we were saving the best news for last.

Ellen's producer said Ellen read

the advanced copy and loved it.

- Love her. - Fantastic.

There's one little hitch.

She really responded to the chapter

where your 40-year-old patient pretends to be

a 26-year-old assistant.

So, she'll have you on the show

if you bring that patient with you.

And reveal her identity on national television?

That's impossible... that would be totally unethical.

Not if the patient agrees.

It would be such incredible publicity.

That... maybe I could reach out and ask.

Why would the patient consent?

I mean, wasn't she promised anonymity?

Well, she's clearly an opportunist.

- More like a sociopath. - Yeah.

Shaving one or two years off your age is one thing,

but living a double life?

That is a very disturbed individual.

Well... [scoffs], in the chapter, she said

that she applied for a lot of jobs as a 40-year-old,

and got turned down every time, so she had to find

a way around this institutionalized ageism.

I don't see ageism, I see someone

who stepped out of the industry and paid the price.

She probably wasn't hired because she doesn't have

the skills or talent.

Well, I can certainly reach out to her.

I think it's risky.

Staking the campaign of Millennial's first book

on a con artist?

I bet you make the deal with Ellen,

and that lunatic sues us.

Oh, my God. We can't chance that.

We'll keep working and get in touch soon.

All right. Thank you, Charles.

Our pleasure.

Get on the ball. Pre-orders are dismal.

Excuse me?

I'm still here.

Moving on.

Where are we on "P is for Pigeon"?

- It's gone to copy editing. - [phone buzzing]

The early buzz on GoodReads has been great.

And I sent an advanced copy

to Anthony Lane at "The New Yorker."

What on God's green earth is so important?

Have I been unclear about devices in the conference room?

I always keep it face down, except...

Face down or put away, that's the policy.

We're done. Thank you.

I haven't seen him in a mood like this

since his wife left.

Something is really under his skin.

[upbeat music]

- Hi. - Hi.

Um, I'm making a Juice Press run.

Can I get you anything?

Uh, no, thanks. I'm good.

Uh, look, I know I might be

misreading the situation, but are you okay?

- With me? - What?

I just want you to know

that I think you're amazing,

and I... I just... I feel so lucky

and so grateful to be working here,

and I just...

Not even a cucumber coconut water?

No, I'm fine. Really, I am.

Uh, company, that's another story.

- Oh? - There might have to be

some changes around here.

What kind of changes?

I'm sorry. I'm late for a meeting.

Don't worry about it.

[phone dings]

-

- _

God, I hope I don't lose my job.

You wouldn't have to lie anymore.

Yeah, and Caitlin wouldn't have to go to college anymore.

I mean, I can help with tuition.

My business is doing really great these days, so...

I would never let you do that.

But I can't tell you how much that means to me.

Yeah, well, I'm kind of crazy about the mom.

Ah, I've missed that.

Mm, me too.

So want to go back to my place?

I changed the sheets today.

Josh, are you familiar with the marshmallow experiment?

Yeah, where you try to see

how many you can fit in your mouth at once?

No, it's, um... It's this parenting thing.

Children were given one marshmallow

and told that they could eat it immediately,

or they could wait 15 minutes,

- and get two marshmallows. - What?

Why would anybody do that to a kid?

- I mean, it's... that's torture. - I know.

But anyway, they followed the kids for like 20 years,

and they found out that the ones that could

delay gratification had better life outcomes.

Higher self-reported happiness.

Okay, um...

so who's the marshmallow in this scenario?

Am I the marshmallow?

Actually, I'm the marshmallow.

Oh.

So you want to take it slow, huh?

I need more time.

I get it.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I am still gonna walk you home, though, so...

'Cause I'm a gentleman.

[rock music]

[speaking foreign language]

- Oh, Kelsey. Hey. - Hi, Chad.

- Ah! - Hi.

- [groaning] - Okay. Oh. Ah.

So, uh, what's so important?

[speaking foreign language]

Wow, you speak Chinese?

Um, just a couple dialects of Mandarin.

Wow. I'm impressed.

I volunteered on a clean water project

in Gansu and kind of picked it up.

But languages are my jam.

What about the password to Thad's computer?

I've got to change his profile pic.

Oh, yeah. That. Sorry.

These passwords are really hard to crack.

But if it's any consolation,

wow, your tongue looks really healthy in that photo.

Sorry. [nervous chuckle]

Here, maybe you'll have better luck.

Thanks.

Kelsey, I... I don't know how to say this,

so I'm just gonna come out and say it.

Whoa. Oh, my God. What are you doing?

I know.

It's a little soon, but...

My parents would like the engagement ring back.

It's a family heirloom.

- Are you serious? - Of course.

I... I could show you photos

of my great-grandmother wearing that ring.

No. No, it's... [sighs].

It's fine.

Sorry to be the one just...

bringing you all this bad news.

You know, let me make it up to you.

Let's get out of the city this weekend.

Fishers Island.

I already have ferry reservations,

and we could just talk everything out,

and finally just...

be.

Chad?

We are never going to "Be" anything.

Ever.

Do you understand that?

What, so... So you're just gonna act like

the... the barn at Gary's wedding never happened?

How do you know about me and Thad in that barn?

Thad?

Come on, you know that was me.

What?

You said you loved me.

Because I thought that you were Thad.

That was the game we were playing.

- But you knew. Come on. - I did not know!

Look me in the eye and say you don't think of me

every time you sit on a big, fat bale of hay.

[gagging]

You know what? Take your stupid ring back.

Don't call me, don't text me,

and stop tagging me in funny memes.

They're not funny!

_

Ah. [laughing]

Okay, you're not going to believe this.

- Oh, hey, Lauren. - Uch.

Kelsey just texted me that she slept with Chad.

- What? - Wait, wait.

- That's the twin, right? - Yes, and apparently,

he banged her all over

some barn in Great Barrington.

- What, last night? - No, dude. Years ago.

He pretended to be Thad.

- Oh, my God. - I know, dude.

He Houdini-ed her.

No, that's not Houdini-ing.

Houdini-ing is when someone has sex with you from behind,

then someone else steps in, and then the original person

waves to you from the bedroom window.

Oh, my God. You know everything. You do.

You're like Sexipedia.

- Is Kelsey all right? - Oh, yeah, no. She'll be fine.

And now that she has Thad's laptop,

she never has to see Chad again.

- She has Thad's laptop? - Oh, yeah, no.

I'ma help her get into it.

You know, it's the least I can do

since she's been twinned.

No, "Twinned" is two girls and the same dildo.

What? Really? Twinned?

[gasps] Oh, my God. Why do I doubt?

- [laughs] - Why have we not done that?

You know, I got to go to work. I will see you kids later.

Mwah.

Did you hear that?

It's only a matter of time before Kelsey

gets into that laptop and finds out everything.

Wait, what are you gonna do?

I got to tell her.

And it's better that she hears it from me first.

I'm just gonna do it... I'm gonna go in there

and rip off the Band-Aid.

"Ripping off the Band-Aid" is when two guys...

I don't want to know.

Good luck.

Ooh.

[rock music]

[knocking on door]

- Hey. - Hey.

Lauren told me about the Chad situation.

Are you okay?

The whole thing is just so gross.

I wonder if Thad knew.

- He couldn't have, right? - Uh...

I mean, I always brown out at weddings, but...

You mean drink too much, right?

Yeah... wait, what do you think I...

No, nothing. Just that.

- Okay. - What are you doing?

I'm trying to guess this password.

It gave me a hint: "Kelsey's favorite snack."

I tried banana chips, chocolate covered almonds.

And no luck. I'm gonna just...

I've got to hire a computer expert or something.

Are you sure?

I mean, there could be a lot of iffy stuff on there.

This is all I have left of him.

For better or for worse, it's all right here.

Hi, uh, there is a potential investor

stopping by the office in about ten minutes.

Could you two be prepared to talk about Millennial?

Something short, like a...

An elevator pitch?

- Yeah, sure. - Absolutely, yeah.

It's important.

Uh, but casual.

But important.

Liza!

We must really be on the ropes if Charles is

springing a visit like this on us.

Had I known, I would have worn something less whimsical.

Okay, this is from the "Forbes" billionaires list.

Bryce Reiger, 26.

Founded Tap That, a digital wallet app in 2014.

I'll make sure to download it on your phone.

Hmm, looks like another Silicon Valley whiz kid

throwing his money around.

While his friends buy islands, he buys prestige

by saving a century-old publishing house.

Oh, look. He owns an island too.

If old media is so dead,

why is new media always trying to buy us?

Oh, that must be him.

Where?

Oh, my...

So, are the any new "Crown of Kings" coming out?

I love "Crown of Kings."

Besides "Twilight", it's the top-selling

four-installment book series of all time,

with 106 million units.

Uh, 25.4 million for "Rise of Kings,"

28.1 for "Clash of Kings,"

17.8 for "Ghosts of Kings"... That was the worst one...

And 34.7 million for "King of Kings."

You certainly know your "Crown of Kings."

This is our head of marketing, Diana Trout.

It's easy for me to memorize stuff.

I'm a little on the spectrum.

That's why your perfume is so offensive to me.

Not offensive, just, uh, pungent and repulsive.

I beg your pardon?

[sniffs]

Definitely smelling secretion of beaver anus.

- What? - Otherwise known as castoreum.

It's a common ingredient in many commercial perfumes.

This is Givenchy. So...

Said the beaver to his anus.

Why don't we continue this conversation at dinner?

I will go shower.

Since our imprint curates exclusive content

for millennial readers, we're excited to launch

our first title:

"The Deciding Decade:

Making Your Twenties Matter."

The eBook will hyperlink to the author's

genre-leading podcast and all social platforms.

And for print, we're using biodegradable ink

on 100% recycled, fair-trade paper.

Yes. I like all that.

Tap that.

Uh, don't your people use Tap That?

Of course we do.

[dinging]

So you just gave her money?

I gave her recognition and affirmation.

And ten American dollars, yes.

I love your tattoo.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, are those ants?

They are termites.

That's revolting.

And so fascinating.

Termites are one of the most adaptable

species on the planet.

They live in every climate,

they've survived every epoch,

and they produce so much hydrogen that

the Department of Energy considers them

a potential renewable fuel source.

They're miraculous.

They also eat feces, but I'm sure you're aware.

I... I think I recognize the artist.

Is it Kori Hurami?

How did you know that?

I have a really close friend who knows him.

He and Kori shared a studio for a while in Kanagawa.

You're friends with Josh from Inkburg?

Josh is Liza's boyfriend.

Ex-boyfriend. Not to rub it in.

Well, uh, not so ex, anymore, actually.

- What? - Uh, yeah.

We're trying to figure things out.

Josh's work is just stunning.

I mean, it silences me every time I see it.

He's a real artist.

Yeah, he really is.

[dance music]

- Thank you. - Good night.

Have a good night.

- Have a good one. - We'll be in touch.

That went well, thanks to our millennials.

Well, it was a group effort.

- [phones dinging] - _

Oh, God, noses in their phones already.

Good night.

I'll see everyone in the morning.

- Night. - Good night.

I'm going uptown too.

Taxi?

Are we about to go to a billionaire's loft party?

Yes, please.

I may even find a computer nerd

to help me crack open Thad's laptop.

- You have the laptop with you? - Yes.

[dance music]

[cheering]

- Your place is incredible. - What is that thing?

Ah, that is a thermodynamic decelerator.

Yeah, the software engineers are using it

to launch blocks of ice into the pool to see

how much ice it takes to lower the temperature

of the water one degree.

Okay. Why?

What else are you gonna do with

a thermodynamic decelerator?

Right?

Oh, please. Help yourself.

Oh, Tequila?

Condensed water.

For maximum hydration.

Your cells will thank you.

Uh, is there anything else I can get you?

Actually, um, I was wondering

if anyone here could help me get into this old laptop?

It's a friend's. He forgot the password.

Yeah. No problem. Uh, find Lin.

No problem.

Oh, is that something healthy too?

No, it's cocaine.

For the models.

Unless you want some.

- No. - No?

I just want to tell you both how glad I am

that you're part of Empirical.

People can't always tell when I'm glad,

because I'm a little on the spectrum,

but I'm really glad.

We are really glad too, Bryce.

Yeah, I was worried that a publishing house,

especially one as old as Empirical,

would be nothing but relics like Charles and Diana,

but you two get it... You get that

we are literally on the cusp of being able

to do this...

with a book.

And you've read it.

That's a book of photographs.

Bottom line: if it wasn't for you two,

and a need for some enormous taxable losses,

I wouldn't even bother with Empirical.

But with you?

I sense a paradigm shift.

Provided you're as committed to the future as I am.

- Ah... - Are you?

- Hell yes! - Absolutely!

All right. Tap that.

Oh.

[dinging]

Ah, it was a big one!

Ah, Lin. There you are.

We need your, uh, code-cracking powers.

This is Kelsey and Liza. This is Lin.

Excuse me for a moment.

I'm sure Lin can get your laptop open in a few minutes.

[scoffs] Minutes? I'm insulted.

- Let me see it. - Oh.

What if he's got stuff about other girls on there?

Like, weird videos?

Kelsey, you don't have to open it if you don't want to.

But there could be some really sweet, meaningful stuff.

- All done. - Seriously?

I know, I was hoping for more of a challenge too.

I'm really nervous.

I'm right here.

Whatever we find out, we find out together.

I'll give you some privacy.

Wait, Lin. What was the password?

"Deez nuts."

"Deez nuts"?

- That's my favorite snack? - Are they like Grape Nuts?

What are Grape Nuts?

He's saying his nuts

are my favorite snack.

Meaning his balls.

- Ew. - [sighs]

You know what?

I'm done.

Deez nuts are the last secret of Thad's

that I needed to know about.

Hey, do me a favor.

Launch this into the pool for me.

Seriously? Excellent.

[all cheering]

Rest in peace, Thad.

Let's get out of here.

I'm so glad that computer's not haunting me anymore.

[chuckles]

It's like I can finally breathe.

Ah, I know what you mean.

I mean, um, I'm so happy for you.

I am so happy for you!

But why didn't you tell me you and Josh were back together?

Honestly, it's not all really resolved.

Well, he did mess up not including you

in that "T Magazine" thing.

Did he apologize for that?

Yeah.

And he's ready to have your relationship

out in the open?

There is nothing he would like more

than an open, honest relationship.

But sometimes you can't be

100% honest.

Is that like a herpes thing?

What? No!

I know it seems impossible,

but he could be gone just like that.

So if you love him,

just be with him.

[indie rock music]

Good morning, everyone.

I have an announcement to make.

I'm very happy to tell you that I just received word

that we have a new minority partner.

Bryce Reiger.

[applause]

And let's have a very special round of applause

for Kelsey and Liza.

They really helped seal the deal.

[cheers and applause]

[phone dinging]

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

Hi.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey.

Maybe it's your turn to wait.

I've got all the marshmallows.

Yeah, well...

I got the stick.

Mm!

Marshmallow

Marshmallow

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