Original subtitles

[piano music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey. - Hey.

You made it.

What's so important you couldn't text?

Ooh, they have champagne here?

They only had the champagne of beers.

- Mm. - [chuckles]

[laughing] What are we celebrating?

I got this crazy call today.

This magazine wants me to be

in their "Young Creatives" issue.

Oh, that's great. Congrats.

- Oh, thanks. - What's the magazine?

"T Magazine"?

- Josh. - Hmm?

You're gonna be in "The New York Times"?

- Tell me everything! - Okay, okay.

Uh, so this creative director, Greta Lin... she called me.

She's, uh, curating the issue.

She wants to hang out for a few days,

get to know me, talk, do a little photo shoot.

She's coming to see the band tomorrow,

so do you want to come interrupt me

when I say dumb stuff?

Josh, do you read "The New York Times"?

They have fact-checkers...

People whose entire job it is

to pry into your record and dig up every single mundane thing.

- Okay. - And they're obsessed with age.

"Mrs. Clinton, 67. Ms. Theron, 40."

- Okay. - You might as well call it

"'The New York Times' How Old Are You?"

- Okay. - I...

You don't have to come.

Let's go find some real champagne.

- [glasses clink] - Okay.

[upbeat pop music]

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

I just can't believe

everyone is so excited about a sample chapter.

A great sample chapter...

from a PhD who specializes

in drop-kicking lazy 20-somethings

out of their parents' rec room and into adulthood.

Everyone here can smell a hit.

"The Deciding Decade"...

[scoffs] It's gonna be a monster.

[gasps]

Excuse me.

Aren't you Diana Trout's assistant?

- Hi, Cheryl. - Is she here?

I didn't see Empirical on the sign-in sheet.

I'm here with Millennial Print.

Kelsey Peters, thi... Cheryl Sussman.

- Oh. - It's nice to meet you.

Millennial Print...

[scoffs] You really are shameless.

Got to run. Take care.

You know, you may be able to fool a few morons at Empirical,

but Dr. Wray psychoanalyzes 20-somethings for a living.

Hashtag "good luck."

Your waiting room is full of out-of-touch 40-somethings

who only understand your book conceptually.

We are living our deciding decade right now.

We totally relate to your book.

And we can sell it.

Your case studies were made for BuzzFeed listicles,

and your podcast will blow up even bigger

once we Periscope it during the rollout.

How old are you two, may I ask?

I'm turning 27 tomorrow.

Yep, right about the same.

And you're running an imprint.

I've worked really hard to get here.

I interned every summer in college,

and I started with Empirical

just three days after graduation.

Doesn't sound like much time for a personal life.

I've dated my boyfriend for two years.

And the marriage track?

Kids?

Um...

we haven't discussed that

in any, uh, real, official terms...

yet.

All right.

Just make sure you know what you want

and then make sure he can give it to you.

Beware the no-criteria relationship.

It may seem fun at 26, but you string enough of those together,

and then suddenly you're 39, and you're asking your niece

to set up a Hinge profile for you.

Okay, was that a pitch meeting or a therapy session?

Why have we not been freaking out about our futures more?

I am turning 27 tomorrow!

Hey, you did great in there.

And she's wrong about Thad.

I've met his parents, his brother.

I'm meeting his boss tonight at this charity thing.

Are you worried about the book or your timeline?

'Cause there is no perfect plan to getting your life right.

There's always compromises.

Compromises or excuses?

We don't always know what's coming.

Okay, there was this girl that I knew growing up.

She had this perfect plan. She got married.

She landed this great job right out of college,

and then she got pregnant,

and motherhood turned out to be overwhelming...

Okay, okay, this is the most boring, clich?d story

I've ever heard.

Actually, it was very complex.

[piano music]

Okay, so, when you meet my boss,

you don't have to say much, okay?

- He's not big on small talk. - [scoffs] I know how to behave.

Okay.

Whoo, there he is... Ethan Foster.

He bought mortgage-backed securities in 2008...

Huevos.

Oh, God. He's coming. Just be cool.

You're the one talking about his huevos.

[clears throat] Ethan, hi. Uh, good to see you, sir.

- This is my girlfriend, Kelsey. - Hi.

Wow. As beautiful as advertised.

Thank you.

Let me guess...

- You work in fashion. - Publishing.

I just launched a new imprint for 20-something readers.

Oh, congratulations.

And what are the millennials reading nowadays?

Are they reading?

[Thad and Kelsey laugh]

I just heard an amazing pitch from a psychologist, actually,

whose book is basically a guide to your 20s.

Well, you'll have to let me know the release date.

I've got a 19-year-old I want to scare straight

before he starts a nonprofit.

[chuckles] I sent the sample chapter to Thad.

- You'll send it to him? - Uh, ye-yes, sir.

Oh, terrific.

- Well, nice to meet you, Kelsey. - Nice to meet you.

- Uh, please excuse me. - Of course.

- [chuckles] - [sighs]

Babe, you killed that.

[chuckles] Yeah.

[playful music]

Ooh, Olay antiaging moisturizer.

I need all the help I can get.

I ran into Cheryl Sussman today.

She-devil.

Ugh. It was a long day in the 20-something minefield.

Don't forget your neck.

[cell phone chimes]

- Who's that? - Oh.

- Land mine. - _

Josh is being followed around for this article.

- _ - Hey, what do creative directors do exactly?

Other people's coke, mostly.

- _ - What article?

This "Young Creatives" issue in "The Times."

Seriously? That's huge.

Right? I can't get near that.

And Josh is okay with that?

He's fine. We talked.

Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

[piano music]

- Excuse me. - Hey, whoa, whoa.

Hey, calm down. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Look, I'm locking down your birthday gift, okay?

That's Karra... Two Rs,

but she might be willing to add a third.

Are you serious?

- A three-way? - Yeah.

That moment where I dazzled your boss... that happened, right?

I wasn't hallucinating?

Because I skipped lunch to fit into this dress.

You look super hot, okay?

That's all you care about, isn't it?

I could be any girl in this room right now.

You know what? Dr. Wray's right.

This is a no-criteria relationship.

A what?

The sample chapter that I sent you three days ago,

you know, of the book that I really need to land.

You're mad because I didn't read some dumb chapter?

No, I'm not mad.

I'm just seeing everything a lot more clearly.

Jeez, are... are you, like, ragging it right now?

You know what? You need to grow up.

And I can't waste any more time waiting for you to do that.

[pats back] There you are.

I wanted my wife to meet Kelsey.

Yeah, I was... I was just looking for her.

Well, find her...

and don't let her get away.

That girl is something special.

Two days looking good on me

New groove kicking in these feet

Yes.

Josh, over here. A little bit more.

That's hot.

One more.

- Look right. - Good.

Hey.

I'm feeling good

- How's it going? - It's good.

It's good.

Actually, it's kind of weird.

I think the more I talk to Greta,

the more I realize

how big a part of my story you actually are.

Aw.

Yeah, but I can't tell her that,

so I'm just making stuff up.

[laughs]

I think she actually thinks I'm with Gabe.

[chuckles] Wow.

You're a worse liar than I thought.

[both chuckle]

Hey, will you be done by lunchtime?

Midtown? My treat.

I...

- Hi. - Hey.

I'm sorry to barge in,

but, um, we're running behind, and we're ready for you.

I... Greta, this is my, uh...

really good friend Liza.

Mm.

I wish I could kiss you.

Go.

Be young and creative.

- [chuckles] - I'll see you at lunch.

Okay.

[upbeat indie music]

Hey. Happy birthday.

Hey, listen, I just got off the phone with Jane's agent.

It's between us and one other publisher.

I already sent a follow-up email and a handwritten note,

and I'm finding out who else is in the mix.

I also broke up with Thad last night.

What?

Oh, Kelsey, I'm so sorry.

You wouldn't be sorry

if I quit a job that was going nowhere.

Yeah, but you loved him.

And you invested a lot in that relationship.

And this is how he apologized.

[scoffs] He wishes his abs still looked like that.

[sighs] What can I do?

You can reserve a booth

at Stanton Social for my birthday tonight.

Just you, me, and Lauren.

Invite Josh.

Super low-key, really wasted.

You got it.

- I'm here if you want to talk. - Go.

This is the first day of my new timeline,

and I'm not wasting it whining about the past.

[exhales deeply]

[cell phone chimes]

- _ - Ay.

Okay.

Aah! Hi. Sorry.

I, um... I left Phillipa Gregory's new outline on your desk.

She's really into royal incest. Enjoy.

And where are you going in such a clumsy hurry?

I have a lunch, if that's okay.

That's cute.

Assistants don't have lunch, Liza.

They fetch lunch.

But then again, according to Cheryl Sussman,

you aren't an assistant anymore.

- What? - Hmm.

She told me she saw you at the Jane Wray pitch,

and you said "Millennial" was the perfect title

for your imprint.

She said you were quite full of yourself.

I wasn't.

You are still my assistant, Liza.

And how you behave towards my colleagues reflects on me.

I understand.

[tense music]

Be back in 40 with a Cobb salad,

and if the dressing isn't on the side...

It will be.

Thank you.

[upbeat music]

- _ - [cell phone clicking]

- _ - [cell phone chimes, elevator bell dings]

Ugh.

[sighs]

- _ - [cell phone clicking]

I thought we agreed against the suicide pact, Cheryl.

Yeah, that was before your youthfulness

threatened my bottom line.

The only reason Millennial is in the running

is because Dr. Wray thinks you're 26, and that is not fair.

- It's just one book. - Then pull your offer.

Or I'll tell Dr. Wray that her shiny millennial poster child

is a pathological liar.

A liar you tried to extort.

I still have those emails.

Careful, Liza.

Right now I'm only proposing a contained skirmish.

But if you push me, I'll go North Korea on your ass.

- Stop threatening me, Cheryl. - Oh, I'm done with threats.

[tense rock music]

[inhales deeply]

Hi, there. Cheryl Sussman for Dr. Wray.

It's urgent.

Okay, fine. You win.

The truth is gonna catch up with you every now and then.

Just get used to it.

[pensive music]

[scoffs]

[tense rock music]

Dr. Wray, this is Liza Miller from Millennial.

Will you please call me back at your earliest convenience?

It's important.

Thank you so much for seeing me on such short notice.

If this is about the book, I haven't made my decision yet.

I'm not here as an editor. I'm here as a patient.

We have doctor-patient privilege in this room, right?

Well, I can't testify against you in court

if you killed somebody, but...

Oh, come on.

Nobody at work knows this, but...

I'm not 26.

I'm 40.

[playful music]

Okay.

Now I'm interested.

So now I'm at Empirical,

and I have to make myself invaluable

before anyone figures it out

and I become a think piece on Slate.

Liza, why did you tell me all of this?

A woman at a rival publisher knows.

She's blackmailing me again. She threatened to tell you...

So you wanted to beat her to the punch.

But also, this situation that I'm in...

Lie.

This lie is an asset.

I have lived this book twice.

The first time I got a great job, a husband,

and a kid during my peak fertility years,

and it blew up in my face.

But now I get another shot at my 20s.

Nobody understands

the importance of this book more than I do.

I will tell you what...

I'm gonna sign with Millennial.

Really? Dr. Wray...

On one condition...

I use you as a case study.

I know how to keep a secret.

Nobody knows who that sample chapter is about,

and she is one of the world's highest-paid musicians.

The girl who kept getting into no-criteria relationships,

who channeled her heartbreak into her work.

- Oh, my gosh. Is it Tayl... - Sorry.

Doctor-patient privilege.

You know, I actually admire you.

[chuckles] It's a completely ludicrous idea,

and you are pulling it off.

Thank you?

[upbeat music]

- We got the book. - [gasps]

Oh, my God! We got the book?

Go to Gawker.

Oh.

"Millennial Publishing

"publishing millennial guide book.

Baby imprint scores huge get."

We are gonna get hammered tonight.

[both chuckle]

[telephone rings]

This is Dr. Wray.

Jane, it's Cheryl Sussman.

[clicks tongue] I saw the announcement.

There's something you need to know

about your hip, young publisher.

Liza Miller, who's trying to pass herself off

as a millennial... She's 40.

I wish I could say that I'm surprised to get this call,

but it seems that you are very well versed at this.

- At what? - Blackmail.

Is that something you really want on your timeline

this late in the game, Cheryl?

You know, I just did an hour

on corporate ageism on my podcast last month,

and I would really hate to have to repeat myself.

She told you.

I can't really discuss another patient,

but if you'd ever like to talk about your anger issues...

[upbeat music]

Hey! Happy birthday!

Have you seen this?

I keep drinking my cheap champagne

How do you have this already?

Oh, so you knew about it?

Well, how did you know about it?

I hate-follow Greta Lin on Instagram.

Ugh. She is so perfect.

Liza, look, he doesn't mention you once.

His dumpy roommate

gets more play in that article than you do.

Yeah, it's basically a glossy Tinder profile.

Uh-huh. Give me.

"While strolling Bedford Avenue,

"a few girls noticeably tousle their hair.

"One waves longingly from across the street,

"but he maintains that for now,

his heart only belongs to Inkburg."

[sighs] Well...

I mean, he didn't write it.

Liza, are you listening to this?

According to "The New York Times,"

- you don't exist. - Seriously!

Liza, what an ass...

- Hey. - Hey.

Josh, we were just reading an advance of the article.

- It's fantastic. - Yeah, yeah.

You come off great in it.

Yeah, I guess it just slipped your mind

that you have a girlfriend.

No, no, it's fine that I'm not in it.

No, it's not fine that you're not in it.

You know what? [scoffs]

I'm sorry to be so real here, Josh,

but it's my birthday,

and we're all getting a little too old to play pretend.

Do you care about her at all?

Does she mean anything to you?

I mean, do you have one shred of a soul,

or did you think you'd bank a few more tramp stamps

if you seemed a little more available?

- Kelsey, stop. - You didn't deserve that.

And you don't deserve her.

Have a nice birthday.

I have missed you, single Kelsey.

[door closes, opens]

Josh.

Josh, wait!

- Josh! - What the hell was that?

I didn't know it was out tonight.

And that's my fault?

This was supposed to be great for me.

This sucks, Liza.

I'm sorry. They sprung that on me.

I hadn't even told them about it.

And you don't think that's weird?

We're weird.

You... you like that, remember?

This just keeps happening.

I can't be in your life. You can't be in my life.

Not yet.

When?

Huh?

I can't do this anymore.

Josh.

I'm done.

I keep coming back

Back to you

[indistinct chatter]

[glasses clink]

- Babe, babe. - Uh-uh, uh-uh.

No, no, not tonight. I know I'm not invited.

I'll go as soon as I say this.

[sighs] You were right.

You deserve more.

You deserve everything that you want.

And I know that I can give it to you.

[screeches]

[gasps]

You hit all the criteria that I'm looking for

and a couple that I never even thought of.

You read the chapter.

Will you marry me?

[uplifting rock music]

[cheers and applause]

[laughing]

Liza, are you crying?

I'm just so happy for you.

[squeals, laughs]

Set my soul on fire

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