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1
00:00:00,136 --> 00:00:03,137
[upbeat music]
2
00:00:03,162 --> 00:00:07,572
3
00:00:08,331 --> 00:00:10,832
How'd you get to be
big spoon, huh?
4
00:00:10,857 --> 00:00:13,190
I'm supposed to be big spoon.
5
00:00:13,215 --> 00:00:15,751
Oh, ah.
6
00:00:15,776 --> 00:00:18,636
Okay, never mind.
I like being little spoon.
7
00:00:18,661 --> 00:00:19,386
[chuckling]
8
00:00:19,975 --> 00:00:21,185
Wanna fork?
9
00:00:21,210 --> 00:00:24,763
Abso-forking-lutely.
10
00:00:25,445 --> 00:00:28,899
[phone ringing]
11
00:00:29,092 --> 00:00:30,966
Oh, I've got to get to work.
12
00:00:30,991 --> 00:00:34,038
- No.
- I know. I'm sorry.
13
00:00:37,525 --> 00:00:41,232
[phone chimes]
14
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:49,656
Ooh, I have got an interesting
new Instagram follower.
15
00:00:49,681 --> 00:00:50,692
Don't tell me.
16
00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:53,415
It's a... a young, hot
teenage girl
17
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,081
who just loves your tattoos.
18
00:00:55,481 --> 00:00:56,855
Oh, I hate it when I'm right.
19
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:00,008
No, it...
It's your daughter, Caitlin.
20
00:01:00,374 --> 00:01:02,130
What?
No, ban her.
21
00:01:02,155 --> 00:01:03,312
You mean block her?
22
00:01:03,337 --> 00:01:04,736
Yes, block...
Block her.
23
00:01:04,761 --> 00:01:07,433
Come on.
She's following the band.
24
00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:09,098
- I think it's nice.
- Nice?
25
00:01:09,123 --> 00:01:10,742
She wants to get to know me.
26
00:01:10,767 --> 00:01:11,935
I think that's a good thing.
27
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,321
I guess it is, but I...
28
00:01:14,806 --> 00:01:17,353
Okay, look, um...
29
00:01:19,657 --> 00:01:20,706
[sighs]
30
00:01:20,731 --> 00:01:24,065
This divorce has been
really hard on Caitlin,
31
00:01:24,274 --> 00:01:26,224
and I don't want
to throw anything new at her
32
00:01:26,249 --> 00:01:29,129
unless we're...
33
00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:32,106
You know, we're serious.
34
00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:34,418
We're not serious, hmm?
35
00:01:34,443 --> 00:01:37,129
I, um...
We are serious.
36
00:01:37,153 --> 00:01:40,424
I just want to give her
more time,
37
00:01:40,449 --> 00:01:42,315
and I want to give us more time.
38
00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:43,663
Okay.
39
00:01:44,664 --> 00:01:46,681
But you have to get to work.
40
00:01:47,030 --> 00:01:48,526
Can you be really quick?
41
00:01:48,551 --> 00:01:50,218
- I can be so quick.
- Okay.
42
00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:51,775
Whoo!
43
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:52,840
[upbeat rock music]
44
00:01:52,865 --> 00:01:53,897
45
00:01:53,922 --> 00:01:57,437
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
46
00:01:57,590 --> 00:01:59,362
I'm not saying
you can't follow him.
47
00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,125
I just don't know
why you're following him.
48
00:02:01,150 --> 00:02:02,783
Because everybody
follows everybody.
49
00:02:02,808 --> 00:02:04,525
Please join
the 21st century, Mom.
50
00:02:04,551 --> 00:02:06,628
Okay, I'll start
following Arjun.
51
00:02:06,652 --> 00:02:08,602
Okay, okay, I'll unfollow Josh.
52
00:02:08,627 --> 00:02:10,008
Thank you.
53
00:02:10,033 --> 00:02:11,857
I just can't believe
you're actually with that guy.
54
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,438
I mean, he's so hot.
55
00:02:13,463 --> 00:02:14,651
Hey.
56
00:02:14,887 --> 00:02:16,401
This is so weird.
57
00:02:16,426 --> 00:02:18,021
It's totally weird.
58
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,313
So when are you
gonna come stay with me?
59
00:02:20,338 --> 00:02:22,542
Oh, soon.
Dad really needs me, Mom.
60
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:24,142
He can't afford
a full-time assistant,
61
00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:25,396
and, you know,
I'm good with the bite plate.
62
00:02:25,421 --> 00:02:26,447
Is that even legal?
63
00:02:26,472 --> 00:02:27,653
Is that guy you're dating?
64
00:02:27,678 --> 00:02:29,885
Ha ha. I'll talk to you later,
sweetie, okay?
65
00:02:29,910 --> 00:02:32,250
- I love you.
- All right, love you too, Mom.
66
00:02:32,275 --> 00:02:33,757
[upbeat rock music]
67
00:02:33,782 --> 00:02:36,730
68
00:02:39,017 --> 00:02:41,818
Jade, we're all
just buzzing about your book.
69
00:02:41,843 --> 00:02:44,010
Not that we've read anything.
70
00:02:44,035 --> 00:02:46,485
We understand your concern
that something could leak,
71
00:02:46,510 --> 00:02:49,420
but, uh, Kelsey tells me
that your pages
72
00:02:49,445 --> 00:02:51,394
are like nothing
she's ever seen.
73
00:02:51,419 --> 00:02:53,919
Kelsey, you are too kind.
74
00:02:53,944 --> 00:02:55,305
I'm just being honest.
75
00:02:55,330 --> 00:02:57,664
They are like nothing I've seen.
76
00:02:57,689 --> 00:02:59,222
Nothing.
77
00:02:59,316 --> 00:03:00,565
So that's exciting.
78
00:03:00,590 --> 00:03:02,982
Obviously, the cover
needs to be really special,
79
00:03:03,007 --> 00:03:04,699
so the team has been
kicking around a few ideas.
80
00:03:04,724 --> 00:03:05,723
I'm the cover.
81
00:03:05,748 --> 00:03:06,761
Oh, that's a given.
82
00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:07,952
We were thinking
black and white.
83
00:03:07,977 --> 00:03:09,610
- It could be gorgeous.
- No.
84
00:03:09,636 --> 00:03:13,823
I will be sitting on a subway
next to a homeless man,
85
00:03:13,848 --> 00:03:14,774
pleasuring myself
86
00:03:14,799 --> 00:03:17,789
under my Balmain
pleated leather skirt.
87
00:03:17,814 --> 00:03:19,695
Okay, the camera
will be placed here.
88
00:03:19,759 --> 00:03:21,759
The picture will be taken
at the exact moment
89
00:03:21,795 --> 00:03:23,160
I climax.
90
00:03:23,388 --> 00:03:26,517
That is the cover of my book.
91
00:03:26,542 --> 00:03:28,205
My orgasm.
92
00:03:28,229 --> 00:03:31,366
[laughs]
It's genius, right?
93
00:03:31,554 --> 00:03:33,329
- That is...
- It gets better.
94
00:03:33,354 --> 00:03:35,237
You know those kids' cards
when you open them
95
00:03:35,262 --> 00:03:36,850
and they play, like,
"Who Let the Dogs Out"
96
00:03:36,875 --> 00:03:38,071
or whatever?
97
00:03:38,096 --> 00:03:41,013
So when you open my book,
this is what you'll hear.
98
00:03:41,484 --> 00:03:44,333
Oh, yes!
99
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:48,935
[moaning in ecstasy]
100
00:03:50,857 --> 00:03:53,537
Well, the book signing
should be fun.
101
00:03:53,562 --> 00:03:56,911
I hope you're able
to make this cover happen.
102
00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:59,603
It's pointless
unless I start seeing pages.
103
00:03:59,628 --> 00:04:02,105
This book is on an accelerated
production schedule.
104
00:04:02,130 --> 00:04:04,340
We want to be in stores
in six months.
105
00:04:04,435 --> 00:04:06,012
Where am I going
on my book tour?
106
00:04:06,036 --> 00:04:09,005
Nowhere unless I start
seeing pages immediately.
107
00:04:09,030 --> 00:04:10,419
Well, I was going
to bring them today,
108
00:04:10,444 --> 00:04:11,849
but then I read them,
and they're, like, terrible.
109
00:04:11,874 --> 00:04:13,795
Every writer
is their own worst critic.
110
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:15,642
No, what if I'm right, though?
What if you hate them?
111
00:04:15,666 --> 00:04:18,165
I won't hate them.
This book is my baby, Jade.
112
00:04:18,190 --> 00:04:19,948
I will love those pages
from the moment
113
00:04:19,973 --> 00:04:21,147
they're in my arms.
114
00:04:21,172 --> 00:04:22,842
Plus, they're, like, messy
and handwritten
115
00:04:22,867 --> 00:04:23,877
and, like, illegible.
116
00:04:23,902 --> 00:04:25,061
That is what Hemingway
turned in.
117
00:04:25,086 --> 00:04:26,919
Yeah, but he was at,
like, a divey bar
118
00:04:26,944 --> 00:04:28,329
getting drunk with his editor.
119
00:04:28,354 --> 00:04:29,445
You want to do it that way?
120
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:31,696
We can do it that way.
I don't care, okay?
121
00:04:31,721 --> 00:04:33,830
I just want to be in
the same room as your pages.
122
00:04:33,855 --> 00:04:35,902
Okay, let's meet tomorrow night
123
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:37,710
at the Horseshoe
at the back booth around...
124
00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:38,942
6:00?
125
00:04:38,967 --> 00:04:40,836
Mm, I was thinking
more like 12:00, 1:00.
126
00:04:40,861 --> 00:04:41,890
We are really behind.
127
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,950
[whines]
128
00:04:43,974 --> 00:04:46,798
- Okay.
- Okay, 6:00.
129
00:04:46,823 --> 00:04:49,251
Ah, I just said okay!
Gosh, chill.
130
00:04:49,276 --> 00:04:50,356
Don't be so thirsty.
131
00:04:50,381 --> 00:04:52,417
I am chilling.
I am always chill...
132
00:04:52,442 --> 00:04:54,634
[upbeat bluegrass music]
133
00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:56,685
134
00:05:02,919 --> 00:05:04,763
Liza?
135
00:05:04,788 --> 00:05:07,041
- Hey.
- Hi.
136
00:05:07,066 --> 00:05:09,916
- Hi.
- What are you guys doing here?
137
00:05:09,941 --> 00:05:11,022
What are we doing here?
138
00:05:11,047 --> 00:05:13,537
What are you doing
at a hipster bluegrass bar,
139
00:05:13,562 --> 00:05:15,396
you former Girl Scout leader?
140
00:05:15,422 --> 00:05:16,982
We're too late
to save her, Michelle.
141
00:05:17,007 --> 00:05:18,571
- She's fully Brooklynized.
- Ah!
142
00:05:18,596 --> 00:05:21,091
You have wiped your mind clean
of all things New Jersey.
143
00:05:21,116 --> 00:05:23,394
That's a good one,
but seriously...
144
00:05:23,418 --> 00:05:25,127
We follow our daughter
on Instagram,
145
00:05:25,152 --> 00:05:27,352
who follows your daughter,
who follows this band.
146
00:05:27,377 --> 00:05:29,678
Two Tweets and a Snapchat later,
147
00:05:29,703 --> 00:05:32,370
we come to learn
you have a new man in your life.
148
00:05:32,395 --> 00:05:33,515
[laughs nervously]
149
00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:36,474
I think someone's buying
real estate in Cougartown.
150
00:05:37,030 --> 00:05:39,510
Go get me a Pinot Grigio.
151
00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,157
I am so sorry.
152
00:05:42,182 --> 00:05:44,766
I made him swear 100 times
not to say the word "cougar."
153
00:05:44,791 --> 00:05:46,457
Which only guaranteed
that he would.
154
00:05:46,482 --> 00:05:47,346
Don't worry about it.
155
00:05:47,371 --> 00:05:49,101
We'll be out of here
in just a second.
156
00:05:49,126 --> 00:05:50,302
We're having dinner nearby.
157
00:05:50,327 --> 00:05:51,522
I just wanted to...
158
00:05:53,337 --> 00:05:54,369
Is that him?
159
00:05:54,394 --> 00:05:56,098
Uh, yeah.
160
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,565
- Shut the front door.
- Oh, stop it.
161
00:05:58,590 --> 00:05:59,850
He's not a prize steer.
162
00:05:59,875 --> 00:06:02,247
Here I've been worrying
my head off about you.
163
00:06:02,272 --> 00:06:04,965
Meanwhile, you have been
living the dream.
164
00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,556
[cheers and applause]
165
00:06:06,581 --> 00:06:07,950
How does this happen?
166
00:06:07,975 --> 00:06:10,253
Oh, you know
how these things happen.
167
00:06:10,278 --> 00:06:12,212
No, I don't.
I honestly don't.
168
00:06:12,237 --> 00:06:14,930
- Hey.
- Hey, Josh.
169
00:06:14,955 --> 00:06:18,555
This is my very good friend
Michelle from New Jersey.
170
00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:20,630
Cool.
It's nice to meet you.
171
00:06:20,655 --> 00:06:23,489
Oh, you guys are great.
I love your sound.
172
00:06:23,514 --> 00:06:26,109
- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, this is my husband, Tom.
173
00:06:26,134 --> 00:06:27,278
- Josh.
- Hey.
174
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,717
No, I, uh... I was just saying
175
00:06:29,742 --> 00:06:31,576
there's so much
about Liza's life
176
00:06:31,601 --> 00:06:33,571
that I don't know
anything about, you know?
177
00:06:33,595 --> 00:06:36,571
Like the whole part of your life
you spent in New Jersey.
178
00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:37,733
Part of her life?
179
00:06:37,758 --> 00:06:39,527
Well, this is pretty much
the highlights reel right here.
180
00:06:39,552 --> 00:06:41,886
Shh, we don't want people to
know that we're from New Jersey.
181
00:06:41,911 --> 00:06:43,589
We got fake IDs saying
we're from Oregon.
182
00:06:43,614 --> 00:06:45,763
[laughter]
183
00:06:46,257 --> 00:06:48,482
- I love your shirt.
- Oh, thank you.
184
00:06:48,507 --> 00:06:51,224
My daughter gave it to me
'cause I'm kind of a foodie.
185
00:06:51,249 --> 00:06:53,464
I love truffle butter.
186
00:06:53,489 --> 00:06:56,873
- Do you?
- I'm kinda famous for it.
187
00:06:56,898 --> 00:06:58,990
Oh, you guys
should come for dinner.
188
00:06:59,015 --> 00:07:00,285
And to see the trellis.
189
00:07:00,309 --> 00:07:02,200
[gasps] The trellis.
190
00:07:02,226 --> 00:07:04,048
I am such a space noodle.
191
00:07:04,073 --> 00:07:06,741
How could I not even mention
the new trellis?
192
00:07:06,766 --> 00:07:08,065
Well, let's not say anything.
193
00:07:08,090 --> 00:07:09,505
You'll just have to come over
for dinner
194
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,460
and see for yourself.
195
00:07:10,485 --> 00:07:12,867
Oh, that...
Well, I'll call you.
196
00:07:12,892 --> 00:07:14,071
Well, screw that.
197
00:07:14,096 --> 00:07:15,066
What are you doing
tomorrow night?
198
00:07:15,091 --> 00:07:16,341
- We're free.
- Oh, no.
199
00:07:16,366 --> 00:07:18,715
- So are we.
- Tomorrow's n...
200
00:07:19,044 --> 00:07:20,985
Tomorrow night sounds great.
201
00:07:21,010 --> 00:07:23,010
- Awesomesauce!
- Truffle butter!
202
00:07:23,035 --> 00:07:24,853
- Yeah.
- Dinner, okay.
203
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,508
Well, enjoy your night.
204
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:28,339
- Yeah, I'll text you.
- Oh, yeah, all right.
205
00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:29,638
- Nice to meet you.
- Yes.
206
00:07:29,663 --> 00:07:33,029
- So, so nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.
207
00:07:33,055 --> 00:07:35,231
- It is just...
- Yeah, tomorrow.
208
00:07:35,256 --> 00:07:36,955
[growls]
209
00:07:37,450 --> 00:07:39,034
Do you have any idea
what you just did?
210
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,258
What?
211
00:07:40,283 --> 00:07:41,910
They seem like
really nice people.
212
00:07:41,935 --> 00:07:44,915
I... this will be fun.
I am excited.
213
00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:46,475
[sighs]
214
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,878
Can I ask you
one question, though?
215
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,930
What's a trellis?
216
00:07:53,901 --> 00:07:55,283
[upbeat vocal music]
217
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,560
If it's making you this crazy,
218
00:07:57,585 --> 00:07:58,683
just call and cancel.
219
00:07:58,715 --> 00:07:59,633
I can't.
220
00:07:59,658 --> 00:08:01,074
Josh really wants to go.
221
00:08:01,099 --> 00:08:03,716
What's more important,
what you want or Josh wants?
222
00:08:03,741 --> 00:08:04,913
I can't decide.
You pick.
223
00:08:04,938 --> 00:08:06,648
You need me to tell you
to pick you?
224
00:08:06,673 --> 00:08:07,758
Woman up.
225
00:08:07,783 --> 00:08:09,280
You say that
like I know who I am,
226
00:08:09,305 --> 00:08:12,200
but I don't,
because I am no longer a person.
227
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,878
I'm a game of Risk.
228
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:17,200
Ugh, all right.
229
00:08:19,930 --> 00:08:23,110
Here are all the people
who know me
230
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:25,535
as a 40-year-old mom
from New Jersey.
231
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,542
Now, they seem like
a fairly distant,
232
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:29,650
harmless group of people,
but as it turns out,
233
00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:31,092
it was really
a dormant sleeper cell
234
00:08:31,117 --> 00:08:33,646
that just got activated
by my daughter.
235
00:08:33,671 --> 00:08:36,838
Now, over here
are all the people
236
00:08:36,863 --> 00:08:39,607
who think I'm a 26-year-old
publishing assistant.
237
00:08:39,633 --> 00:08:41,368
I like to think of these people
238
00:08:41,393 --> 00:08:44,533
as a nuclear power plant
that's, like, gonna explode
239
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:45,306
at any moment.
240
00:08:45,331 --> 00:08:47,010
You know
that's not how you play Risk,
241
00:08:47,035 --> 00:08:48,226
but go on.
242
00:08:48,251 --> 00:08:50,611
All right, now, here is Josh.
243
00:08:50,636 --> 00:08:53,346
Now, Josh fell in love
with this version of me
244
00:08:53,371 --> 00:08:56,943
but now knows that this is me,
and things aren't as good.
245
00:08:56,968 --> 00:09:00,073
He knows everyone over here,
and now he knows
246
00:09:00,098 --> 00:09:01,604
some of the people over here,
247
00:09:01,629 --> 00:09:03,003
including my daughter, Caitlin,
248
00:09:03,028 --> 00:09:04,745
who is following him
on Instagram.
249
00:09:04,770 --> 00:09:06,353
What about me?
Why am I not on the board?
250
00:09:06,378 --> 00:09:09,339
Because you're home.
You're the safety zone.
251
00:09:09,364 --> 00:09:10,863
Oh, okay.
252
00:09:10,888 --> 00:09:13,389
Now, all it would take
to blow up my life completely
253
00:09:13,414 --> 00:09:16,953
is one more line
from here to here.
254
00:09:16,978 --> 00:09:19,514
Do you realize
what you've drawn here?
255
00:09:19,796 --> 00:09:22,918
Your life is not a board game.
256
00:09:22,943 --> 00:09:25,911
It's a spider web.
257
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,266
But I should be okay, right?
258
00:09:28,291 --> 00:09:30,457
'Cause I'm the spider.
259
00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:33,650
I think you're also the fly.
260
00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:39,455
[rock music]
261
00:09:40,403 --> 00:09:42,483
Redmond, this is unacceptable.
262
00:09:42,508 --> 00:09:44,599
Jade agreed to a schedule.
263
00:09:44,624 --> 00:09:46,374
I should have
the first five chapters
264
00:09:46,399 --> 00:09:47,682
of her book by now.
265
00:09:47,707 --> 00:09:50,040
And you're telling me this why?
266
00:09:50,065 --> 00:09:51,486
I can't get her on the phone.
267
00:09:51,511 --> 00:09:52,961
She won't respond to my texts.
268
00:09:52,986 --> 00:09:55,471
She promised to meet me here
over an hour ago.
269
00:09:55,497 --> 00:09:57,164
Oh, she promised?
270
00:09:57,189 --> 00:09:58,855
Uh-huh, go on.
271
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,975
Dude, I broke the bank
to get this book.
272
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,931
She's an anarchist.
What do you want?
273
00:10:03,956 --> 00:10:06,480
I want her ass
sitting across from me,
274
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,839
delivering the pages
that she promised,
275
00:10:08,864 --> 00:10:10,797
or she's gonna be
in breach of contract.
276
00:10:10,822 --> 00:10:12,786
She will have to return
her entire advance,
277
00:10:12,811 --> 00:10:15,147
all of it,
including your commission.
278
00:10:15,172 --> 00:10:17,357
I got it. I got it.
I'll handle it.
279
00:10:17,382 --> 00:10:19,118
You do that.
280
00:10:19,143 --> 00:10:22,416
[sighs deeply]
281
00:10:23,563 --> 00:10:26,361
[phone chimes]
282
00:10:27,144 --> 00:10:28,866
- _
- Did I see what?
283
00:10:28,891 --> 00:10:32,240
Ground was shaking
284
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:36,520
No, no, no, no, no.
285
00:10:36,545 --> 00:10:39,390
Shit, shit.
286
00:10:39,716 --> 00:10:41,877
Let's take a long trip
287
00:10:41,902 --> 00:10:45,950
On a big old cruise ship
288
00:10:47,588 --> 00:10:50,222
Man, this is exciting.
289
00:10:50,247 --> 00:10:51,613
[laughs] What is?
290
00:10:51,638 --> 00:10:54,680
Jersey: the home
of Bruce Springsteen,
291
00:10:54,705 --> 00:10:56,196
the Sopranos, Jon Bon Jovi.
292
00:10:56,221 --> 00:10:58,614
You make it sound like
you've never been to New Jersey.
293
00:10:58,639 --> 00:10:59,938
I haven't.
294
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:01,657
Wait, you've been
to Tokyo and Peru,
295
00:11:01,681 --> 00:11:02,788
and you've never been
to New Jersey?
296
00:11:02,813 --> 00:11:03,928
How is this possible?
297
00:11:03,953 --> 00:11:05,453
I-I literally
never had a reason.
298
00:11:05,478 --> 00:11:07,372
Plus, I hate tolls.
299
00:11:07,397 --> 00:11:08,730
[laughs]
300
00:11:09,476 --> 00:11:11,259
Really, a lollipop?
301
00:11:11,356 --> 00:11:13,189
I mean,
they're already well aware
302
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:14,380
there's an age difference.
303
00:11:14,405 --> 00:11:16,121
Babe, it's a pot pop.
304
00:11:16,146 --> 00:11:18,347
Edible marijuana so I'm relaxed.
305
00:11:18,372 --> 00:11:21,323
No, no, no, no,
you're the one who wanted
306
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,033
to go to the suburbs
of New Jersey.
307
00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,656
You have to experience this raw.
308
00:11:25,681 --> 00:11:27,780
No hemp-colored glasses.
309
00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:31,004
Hemp-colored glasses?
310
00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:33,787
- All: Hey.
- You made it.
311
00:11:33,812 --> 00:11:36,918
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you again.
312
00:11:36,943 --> 00:11:38,384
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
313
00:11:38,409 --> 00:11:39,342
Nice to see you too.
314
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:40,828
- This is for you.
- Oh, thank you.
315
00:11:40,853 --> 00:11:42,367
Well, I hope you like steak.
316
00:11:42,392 --> 00:11:43,681
- Yes.
- Love steak.
317
00:11:43,706 --> 00:11:45,394
- Right.
- With truffle butter.
318
00:11:45,419 --> 00:11:47,002
Yum, yum.
319
00:11:47,353 --> 00:11:49,064
Thanks for this.
I'm gonna go decant it.
320
00:11:49,089 --> 00:11:50,825
Come on in.
321
00:11:51,033 --> 00:11:52,733
I think we should say something.
322
00:11:52,758 --> 00:11:53,993
About what?
323
00:11:54,018 --> 00:11:56,954
She obviously has no idea
what truffle butter is.
324
00:11:56,979 --> 00:11:59,291
It's not butter
made with truffles?
325
00:11:59,316 --> 00:12:00,901
[laughs]
326
00:12:00,926 --> 00:12:02,842
Okay, you are officially
not allowed to give me
327
00:12:02,867 --> 00:12:04,299
any more crap about not knowing
328
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:05,266
what a trellis is.
329
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,363
Well, what is it, then?
330
00:12:06,388 --> 00:12:08,298
Later, after dinner.
331
00:12:09,653 --> 00:12:10,909
Don't Google it.
332
00:12:10,934 --> 00:12:12,476
I can look it up.
333
00:12:12,501 --> 00:12:14,353
Okay, fine.
334
00:12:14,378 --> 00:12:17,480
You... you guys
have a really lovely place here.
335
00:12:17,505 --> 00:12:18,833
Oh, my God.
336
00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:20,923
[gagging]
337
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:24,283
Jade is blowing
her advance before I see pages.
338
00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:27,459
"Check out my new
python-skinned boots."
339
00:12:27,484 --> 00:12:29,312
$40,000.
340
00:12:29,337 --> 00:12:32,713
#BlowingMyAdvance,
#ChestyPeters.
341
00:12:32,738 --> 00:12:34,626
- Who's Chesty Peters?
- You.
342
00:12:34,651 --> 00:12:37,294
So on top of all of this,
she's also mocking me?
343
00:12:37,319 --> 00:12:39,347
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
she actually thinks
344
00:12:39,372 --> 00:12:40,522
that's your name.
345
00:12:40,546 --> 00:12:43,253
She has the entire budget
for my imprint.
346
00:12:43,279 --> 00:12:44,991
She can destroy me.
Why?
347
00:12:45,016 --> 00:12:46,603
I am so nice.
348
00:12:46,628 --> 00:12:48,402
Am I not the nicest person
that you know?
349
00:12:48,427 --> 00:12:49,763
Yes, yes, of course you are.
350
00:12:49,788 --> 00:12:52,205
Oh, wait, wait, wait, here.
Here, she just tweeted this.
351
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:53,134
Douche Burger Kings?
352
00:12:53,159 --> 00:12:57,362
#BlowingMyAdvance,
#ChestyPeters.
353
00:12:57,528 --> 00:13:00,436
I mean, at least she's feeding
homeless people hamburgers.
354
00:13:00,461 --> 00:13:02,318
No, those aren't hamburgers.
Those are douche burgers.
355
00:13:02,343 --> 00:13:04,221
They're made with lobster,
caviar, foie gras,
356
00:13:04,246 --> 00:13:05,628
and they're served
in a gold-leaf wrapper.
357
00:13:05,653 --> 00:13:07,815
Dude, these...
These cost $600 each.
358
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:09,704
They're from a food truck.
359
00:13:09,729 --> 00:13:12,296
Wharton graduates.
They're the wacky MBAs.
360
00:13:12,687 --> 00:13:14,367
I have to stop her.
361
00:13:14,392 --> 00:13:15,892
- We gotta go get her.
- I'm leaving right now.
362
00:13:15,917 --> 00:13:17,249
You go out.
I'll call the Uber.
363
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:20,554
Excuse me, sorry.
I like your jacket.
364
00:13:21,035 --> 00:13:22,401
Tell me about the sex.
365
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,002
It's mind-blowing, isn't it?
366
00:13:24,028 --> 00:13:25,975
Oh, I don't...
367
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,788
Like, curl-your-toes,
off-the-carts mind-blowing?
368
00:13:28,813 --> 00:13:30,026
[laughs]
369
00:13:30,051 --> 00:13:32,973
It's, uh... it's... it's...
It's... it's pretty good.
370
00:13:32,998 --> 00:13:35,078
Of course it is.
Look at him.
371
00:13:35,103 --> 00:13:37,202
Oh, my God, Liza,
you deserve this.
372
00:13:37,228 --> 00:13:39,020
After everything
you went through with David.
373
00:13:39,045 --> 00:13:39,990
Mm.
374
00:13:40,122 --> 00:13:41,569
Give me some details.
375
00:13:41,594 --> 00:13:43,577
Oh, come on.
I don't... I'm not...
376
00:13:43,602 --> 00:13:44,975
I don't really feel comfortable.
377
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,141
Are you kidding me?
378
00:13:46,166 --> 00:13:48,115
What is the point
of having a boy toy
379
00:13:48,140 --> 00:13:50,367
if you can't share the details
with your bored, married friend?
380
00:13:50,392 --> 00:13:52,225
He's not a boy toy.
381
00:13:53,017 --> 00:13:54,930
Oh, come...
I know he's young,
382
00:13:55,033 --> 00:13:57,354
but you've met him now.
383
00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,990
And we actually have something.
384
00:14:00,015 --> 00:14:02,098
Okay, all right.
385
00:14:02,123 --> 00:14:05,775
I really don't want
to be the one to say this,
386
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,138
but I'm afraid if I don't,
no one else will, so...
387
00:14:09,163 --> 00:14:10,170
Say what?
388
00:14:10,195 --> 00:14:13,413
You're acting like a girl
who met a boy,
389
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:14,755
but you're not.
390
00:14:14,780 --> 00:14:18,231
You're a middle-aged divorc?e
who needs validation
391
00:14:18,256 --> 00:14:20,380
that she's still got it.
392
00:14:20,933 --> 00:14:23,434
That's what Josh is.
He's your 911.
393
00:14:23,459 --> 00:14:25,193
- What?
- Well, I mean the Porsche.
394
00:14:25,218 --> 00:14:26,300
God, this is so difficult.
395
00:14:26,325 --> 00:14:27,658
Feel free to stop at any time.
396
00:14:27,683 --> 00:14:29,814
I'm saying this as your friend.
397
00:14:30,618 --> 00:14:32,602
You know this will end.
398
00:14:32,627 --> 00:14:34,736
I mean, Demi Moore
couldn't make it work,
399
00:14:34,761 --> 00:14:35,956
and she's gorgeous.
400
00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:37,513
I mean, not that you're not.
You are.
401
00:14:37,538 --> 00:14:40,422
But, listen,
people age in spurts,
402
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:41,792
like growth spurts.
403
00:14:41,872 --> 00:14:44,397
Right, you look great now,
but another couple years,
404
00:14:44,422 --> 00:14:45,862
you could get slammed
with an age spurt,
405
00:14:45,887 --> 00:14:47,017
and then where are you?
406
00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:48,459
You have wasted
your last gasp of youth
407
00:14:48,484 --> 00:14:50,232
on Mr. Hunkalicious
when you could be finding
408
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:53,092
a real partner,
someone appropriate,
409
00:14:53,117 --> 00:14:55,649
someone you don't have to hide
from your friends.
410
00:14:55,674 --> 00:14:56,644
Josh is.
411
00:14:56,669 --> 00:14:59,526
Oh, no, don't say
he's a real partner.
412
00:14:59,751 --> 00:15:02,252
Come on.
413
00:15:02,723 --> 00:15:05,941
I know it feels good now.
414
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:08,337
I just don't want you
to mistake it
415
00:15:08,362 --> 00:15:09,418
for something it's not
416
00:15:09,443 --> 00:15:12,829
and wind up getting hurt
all over again.
417
00:15:12,854 --> 00:15:15,122
Are you ready
to see the trellis?
418
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:18,064
Oh, the trellis.
419
00:15:19,291 --> 00:15:20,673
Come on.
420
00:15:20,698 --> 00:15:22,615
[mischievous music]
421
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,898
422
00:15:28,649 --> 00:15:30,601
Liza?
423
00:15:30,626 --> 00:15:33,219
Coming.
424
00:15:34,332 --> 00:15:36,900
[crunching]
425
00:15:41,928 --> 00:15:43,228
- Missed her.
- Ugh!
426
00:15:43,253 --> 00:15:44,452
What are we gonna do?
427
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,948
[grunts]
428
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:49,580
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
429
00:15:49,605 --> 00:15:51,188
Here, she just tweeted this.
430
00:15:51,213 --> 00:15:54,177
Where do you even get
a gold coke straw?
431
00:15:54,202 --> 00:15:55,529
Etsy.
432
00:15:55,554 --> 00:15:59,117
Oh, my God, she's literally
blowing her advance.
433
00:15:59,142 --> 00:16:00,441
What... what am I
gonna do?
434
00:16:00,466 --> 00:16:01,409
Wait, wait.
435
00:16:01,434 --> 00:16:03,354
Screenshot that.
436
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:04,662
Okay, blow it up.
437
00:16:04,687 --> 00:16:07,064
[gasps]
Look at that moisturizer.
438
00:16:07,089 --> 00:16:09,591
That is from a guest room
at the Gramercy Park Hotel.
439
00:16:09,616 --> 00:16:11,156
How do you know that?
440
00:16:11,181 --> 00:16:13,017
Oh, it's where Hector goes
to blow off steam
441
00:16:13,042 --> 00:16:14,561
and the room service waiters.
442
00:16:15,771 --> 00:16:19,180
Okay, ready?
One, two...
443
00:16:19,205 --> 00:16:20,787
Prepare to be blown away.
444
00:16:20,812 --> 00:16:22,537
[magical chiming]
445
00:16:22,562 --> 00:16:24,138
Wow.
446
00:16:26,947 --> 00:16:29,224
I feel like I could spend
the rest of my life
447
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:30,752
just looking at this.
448
00:16:30,777 --> 00:16:33,304
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
449
00:16:33,329 --> 00:16:34,979
Liza, isn't it unreal?
450
00:16:35,004 --> 00:16:37,393
Yeah.
451
00:16:37,418 --> 00:16:40,453
[cosmic music]
452
00:16:40,478 --> 00:16:43,244
453
00:16:43,445 --> 00:16:44,981
You okay?
454
00:16:45,006 --> 00:16:49,342
My heart is pumping
really loudly in my chest.
455
00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:50,149
Can you hear it?
456
00:16:50,174 --> 00:16:52,990
- Your heart?
- Yeah.
457
00:16:53,015 --> 00:16:55,429
Liza?
458
00:16:55,738 --> 00:16:57,348
Did you eat the lollipop?
459
00:16:57,373 --> 00:16:59,452
- No.
- Liza...
460
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,910
- Yes.
- Did you eat the whole thing?
461
00:17:01,935 --> 00:17:03,570
I feel...
462
00:17:03,595 --> 00:17:07,728
I feel, um, wow.
463
00:17:07,753 --> 00:17:11,113
- She ate a lollipop?
- I did!
464
00:17:11,330 --> 00:17:14,569
- Sugar makes me nuts-o.
- Yeah, hmm.
465
00:17:14,594 --> 00:17:16,844
I'm hypoglycemic.
466
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,524
Yeah, she's gonna be all right.
467
00:17:19,549 --> 00:17:23,999
Um, I think we should
probably get going, though.
468
00:17:24,058 --> 00:17:25,982
We had such a great time.
469
00:17:26,007 --> 00:17:27,374
Thank you guys so much.
470
00:17:27,399 --> 00:17:29,580
Next time, more protein.
471
00:17:29,605 --> 00:17:31,551
Eat more steak.
472
00:17:31,576 --> 00:17:34,293
- With truffle butter.
- Shh!
473
00:17:34,318 --> 00:17:38,020
- Come on.
- Michelle, you so nasty.
474
00:17:38,045 --> 00:17:39,533
- I-I...
- What?
475
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,487
Why am I nasty?
476
00:17:43,905 --> 00:17:45,492
What's wrong
with truffle butter?
477
00:17:45,517 --> 00:17:47,383
- Nothing.
- Google it.
478
00:17:47,408 --> 00:17:49,550
No, don't, don't.
479
00:17:49,575 --> 00:17:52,276
Just bye, bye.
480
00:17:52,301 --> 00:17:55,135
Google it.
Google it, now.
481
00:17:55,694 --> 00:17:56,842
Jade.
482
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:58,758
[dance music playing]
483
00:17:58,783 --> 00:18:00,978
Jade, open the door!
484
00:18:01,003 --> 00:18:02,130
Hey, quick question.
485
00:18:02,155 --> 00:18:04,297
Um, would you be mad
if I stayed at this party?
486
00:18:04,323 --> 00:18:06,038
No, I thought so.
487
00:18:06,063 --> 00:18:08,045
Jade Winslow.
488
00:18:08,070 --> 00:18:10,538
Oh! Hey, Chesty.
489
00:18:10,563 --> 00:18:12,045
Do you not know my name?
490
00:18:12,070 --> 00:18:14,539
Is everybody
getting their face painted?
491
00:18:16,159 --> 00:18:17,441
Where are my pages?
492
00:18:17,466 --> 00:18:19,216
Oh, is that why you're here?
493
00:18:19,241 --> 00:18:21,158
Is that why
you busted into my party
494
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:24,184
and threatened my agent
and won't stop harassing me
495
00:18:24,209 --> 00:18:27,176
over some, like, stupid pages?
496
00:18:27,201 --> 00:18:29,618
Yes.
I need those.
497
00:18:29,643 --> 00:18:31,810
I don't know how you
expect me to publish your book
498
00:18:31,835 --> 00:18:32,920
without them.
499
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,336
Don't you get it?
500
00:18:34,361 --> 00:18:38,486
Okay, bitch, there is no book.
501
00:18:42,249 --> 00:18:45,186
I am so screwed.
502
00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:53,158
Mm.
503
00:18:53,183 --> 00:18:55,245
Hi.
504
00:18:55,270 --> 00:18:56,403
How you feeling?
505
00:18:56,428 --> 00:18:58,223
So stupid.
506
00:18:58,306 --> 00:19:01,027
I'm sorry I ate your lollipop.
507
00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:03,183
It's okay.
508
00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:05,449
For future reference, though,
509
00:19:05,474 --> 00:19:07,365
you're supposed to lick it.
510
00:19:07,390 --> 00:19:09,787
You're not supposed to eat
the whole thing.
511
00:19:09,812 --> 00:19:11,089
Mm.
512
00:19:11,424 --> 00:19:14,467
Why'd you do it, though?
513
00:19:14,885 --> 00:19:16,168
Hmm?
514
00:19:16,193 --> 00:19:19,027
Michelle sort of
got under my skin.
515
00:19:19,052 --> 00:19:20,518
About what?
516
00:19:20,543 --> 00:19:21,910
About...
517
00:19:23,218 --> 00:19:24,667
Don't worry about it.
518
00:19:24,692 --> 00:19:26,458
Come on.
519
00:19:26,524 --> 00:19:28,190
If we're gonna have
this relationship,
520
00:19:28,215 --> 00:19:29,754
we have to talk.
521
00:19:29,779 --> 00:19:31,713
You can't hide from everything.
522
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,151
Okay.
523
00:19:38,072 --> 00:19:42,474
Michelle sort of pointed out
that the math between us
524
00:19:42,499 --> 00:19:44,267
presents problems.
525
00:19:44,291 --> 00:19:46,276
And what do you think?
526
00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:50,129
I think she's not wrong.
527
00:19:50,753 --> 00:19:52,503
[sighs]
528
00:19:52,528 --> 00:19:54,480
Go on.
529
00:19:54,505 --> 00:19:55,887
I guess I kind of do worry
530
00:19:55,912 --> 00:19:58,148
that this has
an expiration date.
531
00:19:59,315 --> 00:20:01,359
Really?
532
00:20:02,029 --> 00:20:03,671
Why?
533
00:20:03,696 --> 00:20:06,415
A lot of reasons?
534
00:20:07,251 --> 00:20:09,991
I mean, maybe you'll want
to have kids someday.
535
00:20:10,256 --> 00:20:12,390
Maybe.
536
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:13,859
Right.
537
00:20:14,498 --> 00:20:17,820
Maybe we should just get married
538
00:20:17,845 --> 00:20:19,369
and start having kids.
539
00:20:19,394 --> 00:20:21,331
[laughs softly]
540
00:20:21,357 --> 00:20:22,502
Shut up.
541
00:20:22,526 --> 00:20:23,715
You shut up.
542
00:20:23,740 --> 00:20:25,561
[soft music]
543
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:29,104
544
00:20:29,424 --> 00:20:32,900
Look, I don't know
545
00:20:32,925 --> 00:20:35,435
what our future holds,
546
00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:39,568
but I know
I don't want to bail on this.
547
00:20:39,593 --> 00:20:41,643
Me neither.
548
00:20:41,668 --> 00:20:45,253
So can we keep going?
549
00:20:46,991 --> 00:20:48,938
Yes.
550
00:20:48,963 --> 00:20:50,310
[upbeat music]
551
00:20:52,122 --> 00:20:56,226
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
552
00:20:56,251 --> 00:20:59,619
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
553
00:20:59,669 --> 00:21:04,219
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