Original subtitles

Have you seen this?

That's Kevin Jesquire.

- We work together. - I know.

He was just arrested

for selling trade secrets

to a rival pharmaceutical company.

It's all over the news.

Holy shit.

That's the reason my company went under.

That's why my boss killed himself.

Terrible.

Everyone is trying to get an interview

with this guy's lawyer, but he's turning them all down.

Well, under the circumstances...

The lawyer's your dad.

An exclusive like this

could really get my career back on track.

Yeah, well... The thing is,

my-my dad and I don't really talk much anymore, so...

I understand.

I mean, it's just that

ever since I freaked out on the air,

and that whole "squishy tits" thing went viral,

my career is just a total joke.

I'm sorry, I-I-I shouldn't be complaining to you.

It's not like it's your fault.

Wilfred: Or is it?

I'm the idiot

who skipped lunch that day.

I-I still can't believe

that low blood sugar could do that to me, I mean...

Squishy tit. Squishy tit.

Squish-squish-squishy tit-tit,

squish-squish-squishy tit-tit, t-tit.

Oh, Wilfred!

He's always trying to make me feel better.

What happened to his face?

Aw, he's been wandering into Gene's garden lately.

I think he scratched himself

on some rosebushes. (Cell phone buzzes)

- The squish? - It's this stupid 30-second segment

they're making me do now.

Today, I'm profiling a guy who claims

to have the largest forehead in Glendale.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

I'm just one great story away from a comeback, right?

Jenna...

I-I'll ask my dad.

Really?

It's worth a shot.

(Laughing): Oh, God...

Thank you so much! You're the best.

You're not actually gonna call your dad, are you?

I don't want to.

But the least I can do is help her get her big story.

I'm the one who left that stupid pot candy lying around.

I mean, she's beating herself up for my mistake.

Well, if you want to make her feel better,

just tell her the truth.

After everything she's been through?

She'd never forgive me.

And since when are you the poster boy for honesty?

Rosebushes didn't do that. Okay, look.

I didn't want to bring it up in front of Jenna, but...

I got into a little scuffle

with several members of our Dobie community.

Oh, I'm sorry. "Doberman."

"Dobie" is their word.

I haven't seen any dobermans in the neighborhood.

They're fast, Ryan.

Three of bastards jumped me

whilst I was in the back alley,

taking the trash out of the trash.

I gave as good as I got,

but in the end I was simply outnumbered.

Looks like they've struck

at the very heart of our cat community, also.

What?

So you're just gonna blame them for everything?

Ryan...

If I'm quick to point pads at Dobies,

it's not because they're a vicious, poorly trained

mongrel breed who fail to assimilate

and hunt in packs, okay?

It's because they're black.

So then another Dobie comes up,

and I'm like, snap-kick, smack!

And then another Dobie's like, scratch!

That's how I got this. And I'm like, bang!

And then these two Dobies come out from behind,

- and I'm like, reverse double-fist, bang. - Hold on.

- There were five Dobies? - Yeah.

- You said there were three Dobies. - What's the difference?

Two Dobies.

It's not a numbers game, Ryan.

(Cat meows) What'd you say?

It was... not a numbers game?

No, after that.

(Cat meows) Did you hear that?

- No. - Wilfred...

Is there a cat in here?

What have you done?

It's not what I've done,

Ryan...

It's what I'm going to do!

What the hell is that?

- You didn't know that was there? - No.

Well, I guess there's a lot of things you don't know.

For instance,

did you know there's a coin behind your ear?

Oh... never mind, it was just the way the light was reflecting

off the back of your ear.

Anyway.

(Cat meows)

(Cats meowing)

(Wilfred laughs)

Is that the cat from the poster?

What the hell is going on?

Why are there cats in a pit in my basement?

Why, Ryan?

Because they took everything from me.

(Cats meowing)

Okay, you remember the scratch on my face, right?

The one that's still there? Yes.

It wasn't done by Dobies.

Yeah. I got that.

I was in Gene's garden.

That much is true.

His green lawn lay freshly mowed.

Sprinkler rainbows dazzling in the sun.

A Fluffy tail swaying in the breeze.

A welcoming purr.

An invitation?

A game?

I wagged my tail,

and smiled on approach.

That's when...

A hiss, a scratch,

so fast...

Open paws, smacks to the face,

again, and again...

I just wanted it to stop,

and all I could hear was

the words of my attacker:

"Meow! Meow!

Meow!"

Well, who's meowing now, bitches?

There are six cats in there.

Which one scratched you?

Does it matter, Ryan?

They've all scratched someone.

So what are you planning to do?

Kill them.

But first, I will torture them

by driving them insane.

(Cackling)

Pitiful fools.

Oh, you want the string, but you'll never catch it.

Look at them, Ryan!

- They're losing their minds! - Wilfred...

These are pets.

People will be looking for them.

They're cats, Ryan.

No one cares. Six cats missing

in the same neighborhood.

That doesn't happen every day, it's...

... A big deal.

The string of disappearing cats

has struck fear into the hearts of animal lovers

in this tight-knit community.

We can only wait and pray

for their safe return.

In Venice Beach, I'm Jenna Muller,

- and this is "The Squish." - And cut.

Nice job, Squishy T.

Thanks, Rob.

That was... gripping.

Very dramatic.

Come on, Ryan. It's a missing pet story.

It's one step above a preschool head lice outbreak.

But thanks for suggesting it.

Have you heard from your dad yet?

Y-yeah.

He said no. Sorry.

Another lie, Ryan? That's okay.

It's probably a sign

that I should be getting out of this business.

I have a cousin in Long Beach

who sells sleep apnea machines.

She says they're always looking for new reps.

But this job is your dream.

Well, maybe it's time that I face reality.

Tits, let's move!

Don't give up.

Maybe this cat story will develop into something.

Like what?

I don't know.

Maybe there'll be a feel-good ending.

Like all the cats are found safe.

Or sex-butchered by a psychopath.

I guess.

Wow.

"Missing cats turn up totally unmurdered."

Stop the presses.

It'll keep the story alive.

As soon as it gets dark,

we're releasing those cats.

I don't get it, Wilfred.

If you were really gonna kill them,

why not just do it?

Why keep them in a pit?

Because I'm fattening them up

to make a cat suit out of their fur.

Ooh. What?

- Why? - Ryan...

Someone needs to show the cat community

what happens when you go around scratching dogs.

Plus, imagine how hilarious I'd look

wearing a full-bodied animal suit!

Yeah, well,

that's not gonna happen.

Oh, Ryan, you really believe that, don't you?

(Laughs) Adorable.

(Cell phone ringing)

- Hey, Jenna. - Oh, my God, Ryan.

You won't believe who just e-mailed me.

Some psychopath who claims he has the missing cats!

What?

At first I thought it was some YouTube creep, pranking me,

but then he sent me a picture of them as proof.

He's for real!

- How about that? - It gets better.

He's planning to record himself sex-butchering the cats.

I mean, I feel bad for them, but he's sending me the video,

and I am going to be the lead story

on every broadcast tomorrow!

And it's all thanks to you.

{pub}Jenna already told her producer about the cat-killer video.

Her piece is slotted for tomorrow's broadcast!

- I hope you're happy. - I am happy.

It's a perfect plan.

Jenna gets her story,

the cats die, and you get your nuts flicked.

Ow!

What is wrong with you?

There is no cat-killer video!

Jenna's going to be humiliated all over again,

and this time she'll give up her dream.

Well, maybe she wouldn't be so hard on herself

if someone came clean and told her

she's not responsible for destroying her own career.

(Sighs)

We're making the cat-killer video, aren't we?

We are!

(Filtered voice): This is just the beginning.

I will not rest

- until every cat in Venice is dead. - Cut!

(Sighs) Everybody take five.

You know, I'm just not feeling it, mate.

Um... where are you?

Because you're not here.

This is so stupid.

Can I just say my lines and get this over with?

This is what I'm talking about, Ryan.

This about who this psychopath is!

Let's just do this.

Everybody set?

And...

... Action!

- This is just the beginning... - Cut!

Okay, uh...

You've-you've done the naturalistic shit...

Well, it's not shit, but...

You-you've done that now. Just for the hell of it,

let's do one really big.

Like, if that was a four, give me a ten.

And...

Action!

This is just the beginning!

Bigger, please, Ryan!

I will not rest

until every cat in Venice is dead!

Bigger, Ryan.

And then I will move to my ultimate goal...

- Bigger, mate! - Of making earrings,

and bronze testicles,

of every postal worker

in the greater Los Angeles area!

And now, let the first blood be spilled!

Cut. Whoa!

You don't say "cut." I say "cut."

Unless I say "action," and then you... cut.

We're not using real cats for this.

Ryan, this needs to look authentic.

- This'll look fine. - Okay, do it your way.

Since you can do it

and see it through the camera at the same time.

What do I know? I'm just a dickhead in a trucker cap.

I'm not killing any cats...

Goddamned you!

I'm trying to help you here. You understand that?

I've been a goddamned coordinator!

I'm trying to help you figure out the goddamned picture.

Okay, bitch?

(Glass shattering) No need to be goddamned yell at.

We worked on this goddamned thing for three goddamned hours,

not to be yelled at by some little runt funny goddamned fool!

I've been trying to help you, you goddamned bitch!

Figure that yourself!

Goddamn!

You want my help!

You don't want my help!

Wasting everybody's time!

Sorry, everyone!

So they're goddamned gone!

You're goddamned grown-up!

You're not a goddamned baby!

You're a goddamned grown-up.

I'm not a grown-up.

I'm only trying to goddamned help you!

Did I yell at you?

Did I goddamned yell at you before right now?!

No. No!

I didn't goddamned yell at you.

Not before right now.

You goddamned slut!

(Clattering)

(Sighs)

Fine, shoot it with the stuffed cats.

Ah, you started it without me.

Yeah, I would've waited,

but your e-mail to Jenna promised we're in time for the new news, so...

(Clicks mouse)

(Slurping)

(Clicking mouse)

Gee, you're a wizard with that clicker.

It's called a mouse.

Funny name for it, isn't it?

Not really.

That music is just temporary, yeah?

No, that's the music.

Really?

And now let's...

The performance is a bit frivolous.

Let's look at some of the other titles.

The performance's fine.

If you do say so yourself.

Wow, what a clicking, huh?

Well, yeah, look, I think I'm just getting away here,

so I should probably...

Man, you really are clicking

the shit out of that mouse, aren't you?

Anyway, well, good luck with the video.

Yeah.

What's wrong?

I got the video.

Really?

My sentinel angel

with a heart full of pain

(howling)

Cover seems so far

in a cold winter rain

let me kiss away your tears

let me hug away your fears

let me chase away the sad...

(Static cracking)

(Siren wailing)

(Remote clicks)

Just goes on like that for another 40 minutes.

Jenna, I love it.

It's a masterpiece.

Jenna: It was all a joke.

Stupid little squishy tit's all for it.

Some journalist I am, huh?

Jenna...

I am done.

(Door slamming)

You reedit it, the video?!

Why didn't you use any of the stuff we shot?

You were just too big.

How could you?!

She's gonna quit her job!

She's worked so hard to get to where she is,

and it's all ruined!

All because of...

All because of me.

You have to tell her it's not her fault.

She's gonna hate me.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Honesty has a way of making things work out for the best.

But... what if it doesn't?

Mate, you weren't honest with Amanda, and you lost her.

Why not try it another way?

Jenna, wait.

What's wrong?

The day you lost it on the air,

you... you ate a piece of candy at my house.

Yeah, I was hungry; I skipped lunch.

It was pot candy.

You were stoned.

What?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it until it was too late to warn you.

Jenna, you're a good journalist.

You can't quit.

But I-I passed the drug test.

I switched the urine.

That's why you thought you were pregnant.

I used Kristen's pee.

Oh, my God.

- That's why Drew and I... - There's more.

To get your job back,

- I blackmailed your boss. - Stop! Just stop!

Jenna, I-I swear, never meant to...

No, just stay away from me!

Wilfred, come!

You told me if I was honest, everything would work out.

I really thought it would, mate.

Honestly.

Jenna: Wilfred!

{pub}Again, two pieces of candy.

One is harmless, one is drugs.

Can you tell the difference?

Can your children tell the difference?

Because I couldn't,

and the consequences for me were devastating.

It nearly cost me everything.

My job, my reputation and my peace of mind.

Something needs to be done

to prevent this from happening again.

In Venice Beach, I'm Jenna Mueller.

That was a great report.

Jenna will never speak to me again,

but at least something good's come out of all this.

Time heals all wounds, right?

That's what you just scratched on my cheek.

Time, love and a little bacteria cream.

(Meowing)

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm returning the cats.

There's no reason to keep them.

Dude, I was literally just about to kill them.

You're cuddling with that cat.

I'll lulling it into a false sense of security.

(Giggling)

That tickles.

You are naughty.

And you are silly.

Wilfred, it's obvious that you love them.

Love?

Are you kidding?

Uh, did you not just hear me call Mrs. Snuggles naughty

and chairman meow silly?

(Gasps)

Look! Cheeky cheek just brought me a mouse.

You're such a hypocrite.

You pushed me to be honest with Jenna

about the worst shit I've ever done,

but you won't admit how you really feel about these cats?

Ryan, I have a confession to make.

You love the cats.

Follow me to the alley.

Hey.

Jenna: Hey.

Listen...

About this morning,

I can't stop thinking about all those things you did.

Jenna, I-I did those things because I cared about you.

I know, but... The thing is...

It's my fault, too.

I made you care.

God, you're gonna think I'm a terrible person, but...

I used you.

- What? - From the day we met,

it was pretty obvious that you had a crush on me.

I was new here,

and I felt guilty about leaving Wilfred alone all day,

and you were so sweet and eager to help, so I liked you...

Jenna, you didn't use me.

We're friends.

Come on, Ryan.

You took care of Wilfred every day.

You picked up my dry cleaning.

You saved my job.

You did everything for me,

and all I did was smile and flirt and string you along.

I'm so sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

Hey, I'll do everything else for you.

(Chuckles)

Oh, uh, I-I saw your report.

It was pretty great.

Thanks.

You know, th-the response's been amazing.

I even got a call from the city councilwoman.

She's gonna introduce an ordinance

to clearly label pot candy.

She wants me to be a policy advisor.

Guess this squish is officially dead.

Wow.

Congratulations.

I'm really glad that everything worked out.

It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been honest with me.

You inspired me, Ryan.

That's what friends are for.

{pub}I'm gonna miss you, Popcorn.

Don't forget to get in

at least an hour scratching post on every day.

And Bootsy, whatever you do,

stay away from that Chinese restaurant down the street.

You know what they do there.

They overcharge for mediocre food.

Go.

Be free.

You did the right thing, Wilfred.

So hard.

(Barking)

My God!

Dobies?

What, they're real?

Run to the trees!

To the trees!

Run, chairman meow! (Cat shrieking)

Bootsy, no!

No... ho-oh!

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