Original subtitles

Transcript by Addic7ed.com

MAN: Mr. Newman, this is Dr. Cahill.

Please call me as soon as possible,

or better yet, maybe you should drive up here

so we can speak in person. It's, uh, about your mother.

(knocking)

- Hey, Jenna. - Hey. Just to warn you...

What's with the cone?

Sorry. Wilfred got a hot spot and he won't stop chewing on it.

So the vet said he has to wear this for a few days.

Days? It's coming off one second after you leave.

- He seems kind of grumpy. - Yeah, sometimes he gets like this

(baby talk): when his mommy's going out of town.

(mocking): "When his mommy's going out of town."

(normal voice): Like I give a shit.

Thanks for watching him this weekend.

Drew and I really need some time away

to work on our relationship without any distractions.

Plus Drew really loves Vegas.

Why are you still here?

So what are you and Wilfred

going to do today?

Uh, looks like we might have to go see my mother.

- Your mother? - You have a mother?

Yeah. She lives at a retreat in Ojai...

for artists...

'cause she's an artist.

Well, I hope I get to meet her someday.

I'd love that.

Well, I should get going.

Mommy's going to miss you.

An artist, huh?

So what got your mom locked up

in the nut hut?

Well, started with a bunch of little things,

like refusing to eat anything except avocado.

When she'd show up at my school dressed for Halloween

three or four times a year.

Then Catherine had a complete breakdown.

My father wanted to impress his partners

by having a formal dinner at our house.

She couldn't handle the pressure.

She was looking for a place to hide

and crawled up the chimney.

The fire department had to pry her out.

I had a similar

situation with my penis and a vacuum hose.

I had to cut the tube just to break free.

I still jizzed, but out of spite, not pleasure.

The point is, it was in front of my father's whole firm

and all his clients.

He had no choice.

He brought her here for a psych evaluation.

She could have left after 72 hours,

but she chose to stay-- for 20 years.

What kind of mother abandons her family like that?

I'll tell you what kind.

The kind who doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

The kind who leaves you where you cry your eyes out,

missing her every night,

and you did nothing wrong, but Jenna left, anyway.

Jenna?

CAHILL: Your mother's fine.

In fact, she feels, and we agree,

that she's ready to venture back out into the world.

What world? The world?

Your world.

When patients leave our care,

the most successful transitions

are facilitated by their family members.

You want me to...?

No. I barely know her.

I only see her a couple times a year, and...

Why now?

Well, this isn't some sort of whim, Mr. Newman.

Your mother has wanted to do this for a very long time.

She's done a lot of really good work

to get to this point.

Is this wise?

It's been 20 years.

The world has changed.

Hi-def TV and... other things.

Well, she hasn't been in a coma.

We have cable.

Fellas, come here. I just want to talk to you.

I'm not going to hurt yous. I'm not going to hurt yous!

- I'll kill you! - Wilfred!

Oh, hey, Ryan. What's up, mate?

Later, boys.

The doctor wants my mom to come stay with me.

And I assume you told him to blow you.

We don't need that crazy old broad cramping our style.

How can I say no?

She is my mother.

Ryan, you don't owe her anything.

She left you. She left her little boy.

Ryan!

Oh!

That's my baby! My gorgeous boy!

Pried from my womb.

I had planned a vaginal birth,

but Mr. Breach Bottom here had other plans,

and so the doctor cut me open and pulled

this beautiful miracle from my uterus

like a rabbit from a hat.

(laughing)

Oh, I missed you so much!

(laughing)

(sighs): Oh...

And who's your little doggy friend?

This is Wilfred.

I'm watching him for my neighbor.

(hisses)

Be nice, Mittens.

Mittens? Seriously?

Yeah, keep walking, Mittens.

You look like your father--

minus the thin lips and the soulless eyes.

Um...

Sorry, sorry.

I should not have said that.

I don't hold any animosity toward your father.

It has taken me years of therapy,

but now I can actually appreciate your father

for what he is-- the man who pays the bills.

I just met with Dr. Cahill...

I just couldn't be the kind of wife that he wanted.

I'm too free-spirited, too outspoken,

too human.

Whoops.

(laughs)

Indian chief.

(whooping)

That was a little racist, but it was fun.

How is that racist? Indians do that all the time.

Let me just...

I'll-I'll get that.

So, uh, Dr. Cahill told me about your progress,

and...

(growling softly)

Oh, oh, oh, poor baby.

Oh...

Ryan, what's she doing?

You know how creepy I find menopausal women.

Stop... No, no, stop...

Aw, aw!

Oh... (chuckles)

(contented sigh)

Yeah. Isn't that better?

Yeah. It is.

Why would you...?

(gasps)

Mommy's here now, Wilfred.

So, anyway, um...

I have a lot going on right now,

so maybe it's best if you just stay here.

I understand.

It was a lot to ask.

No biggie.

What kind of animal are you?

You would leave your own mum in here?

You said...

She let a doctor stick his hands

inside her uterus so you could live.

So, what, I should forgive her for everything?

You know, Ryan, for a guy who once tried to kill himself,

you don't have a whole lot of compassion.

CATHERINE: Ryan...

just so you know,

I would turn back time if I could.

(sniffles) For God's sake, man!

This is your mother.

I-I guess I could reschedule a few things...

(laughs)

Oh, good!

(sighing)

(chuckles)

(sighs softly)

Good morning.

What happened to my kitchen?

Ryan, don't be such a grouch.

I know how to turn that frown upside down.

Fish sticks and peanut butter tacos-- your favorite breakfast.

Thanks.

But these days, I eat breakfast for breakfast.

Can I help you find something?

Uh, let's see--

pork rinds, Funyuns and a 12-pack of Visine.

I was looking for a glass,

but now I'm looking for your weed.

What? I don't...

Oh, relax, honey, I'm no narc.

Truth be told, I've been known to partake

in a little of the funny tea myself.

(inhales sharply)

I am dying to catch up on the family gossip.

Is Kristen still into black guys?

No. Mom, she's been married to Leo for six years.

Oh, that's right.

Well, it's been harder for me

to stay in touch with your sister.

Sad to say, she and I were never as close as you and me.

Even when you were a little boy, people always said that

you were going to grow up to be just like me.

And then, I go into the backyard and see that my mother

has hung all her bras and panties out to dry on a tree.

What if Jenna had seen that?

Jenna wouldn't have seen that.

Because Jenna's always out of town.

At least Catherine is here.

She is now, but when I was a kid...

(mocking): Waa-waa-waa.

You know what this is?

Let me guess.

The length of my dick?

No, it's the amount of compassion you've shown

towards your mum.

And the length of your dick.

They happen to be equal in this case.

Doesn't happen often, but it's pretty cool

when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.

Just because she's had problems,

doesn't mean it's okay for her to embarrass me.

(sniffs) What?

- What are you afraid of? - Afraid?

When you talk about your mum, I hear anger, but I smell fear.

The only thing I'm afraid of

is what embarrassing thing my mother is going to do next.

Our mum is the furthest thing from embarrassing.

Our?

WOMAN: What is she doing?

(laughter, murmuring)

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?!

What does it look like I'm doing, silly?

I'm making a statement about corporate greed

and the death of selflessness

through interpretative movement painting.

This is already online, isn't it?

Come, join me, my child.

I thought you'd never ask.

Wilfred!

I don't understand why you're so angry.

Rolling around in paint in my front yard

in front of all my neighbors?

You don't see how that might be a problem for me?

Well, after the hissy fit you threw

about a few dirty dishes in the kitchen this morning,

I didn't want to get paint in the house.

WILFRED: Did Mum complain to you

when you made a mess of her lady parts

- during childbirth? - Okay, you know what?

Go get dressed in some normal clothes.

We're going apartment hunting, right now.

(knocking)

Surprise!

Hey, I thought you weren't back until Sunday.

Change of plans. Is this a bad time?

Well, actually...

Um, I think Wilfred needs to go out.

Oh, there's my little man!

Ryan, who's the blonde?

She looks vaguely familiar.

- Hello. - Hi. I'm Jenna.

I'm Ryan's mom.

Oh, it's so nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Newman.

Mrs. Newman is my slave name.

You can call me Catherine.

Oh, okay.

- Hi. Oh! - Oh.

(both chuckle)

Oh, oh, oh.

Um, let go.

Let-- let go.

Oh, Wilfie, did you miss your mommy?

Sorry, I have a new mommy now.

Oh!

Oh!

(laughing): I think someone likes me.

WILFRED: Mm!

Wilfred, your nose tickles.

(laughing)

And then when Ryan was eight,

I walked in and found him with his little penis

pressed up against the TV screen.

More rice?

No thank you, sweetheart.

Turns out,

he was trying to wanky-wanky to Mona

from Who's the Boss.

(laughing) Adorable.

Oh, that's so...

Okay, Jenna, you just cut Mom off

in the middle of a story!

- Settle down, Wilfred. - You settle down!

Sorry, Mom. Please continue.

Mom, can we maybe stop with the stories

Oh, gosh, he's upset because I told the Who's the Boss story.

Don't be so uptight.

Everybody masturbates. Right, Jenna?

Uh... I have a boyfriend.

(quietly): She totally masturbates.

Okay, this isn't appropriate dinner conversation.

Now, where did all this embarrassment come from?

You were such an open-minded little boy.

I used to take him with me to belly dancing class.

Who takes a nine-year-old boy belly dancing?

I wanted you to be connected to your body.

It was something you and I did together,

and you loved it.

Come on, Ryan, come on.

Dance the chicot with me again.

(imitating tambourine rhythm)

WILFRED: Chicky-chicky boom-boom, chicky-chicky boom-boom...

(laughing)

It's so freeing, Ryan!

(laughter)

Enough!

Why can't you just act normal?

I have to pee.

Does she really have to pee? I wonder.

You know, you sound just like your father.

Well, I'd rather be like Dad than like you.

When I was a little kid, I used to pray that you'd come home.

And now I'm glad that you stayed away.

You're crazy!

Well, if that's the way you truly feel,

then I guess I should go back to the nut house in the morning.

What? No, I want to keep her. Ryan, apologize.

CATHERINE: I wish I could put into words

how I feel about this visit.

I can't, but I will leave you with this.

Jenna, it was truly lovely meeting you.

It was nice seeing... you.

I'll just-- I'll clear the plates.

You insensitive prick.

Mommy needs our love.

She's not your murmy. She's barely mine.

I am nothing like her.

(sniffs)

Tell me something, Ryan,

how old was Mum when she lost it?

20 years ago-- that makes her...

Well, just a bit older than you are now.

So maybe you are like her.

That's the fear I'm smelling, isn't it?

I'm not crazy.

Said the man to the dog.

I'm warning you, Ryan--

she's the best mum I've ever had,

and I'm not going to let you take her away from me.

She's going back to the wellness center tomorrow,

and that's that.

Aw! Aw! God!

Dr. Cahill.

Thanks for meeting us.

Um, I'm sorry

things didn't work out as expected.

Hmm.

No one's to blame.

It's difficult functioning in the world, and my mom...

We're not here to talk about your mother.

What's going on with Ryan?

This belong to you?

Where-where'd you get this?

I found Wilfred chewing on it last night.

You son of a bitch!

How is that an insult? I've never understood that.

Why would you write a suicide note?

Were you really thinking of killing yourself?

Ryan, we're here to help you.

Your thoughts of suicide are concerning.

But your eight-page diatribe

in which you accuse the post office

of, uh, secretly monitoring

the population for the purposes

of mind control-- that's disturbing.

Sometimes the truth is disturbing.

Take off the blinders, Dr. Cahill.

I did not write that.

This isn't happening.

- Just wait till Jenna finds out. - Jenna?

- Jenna? - CATHERINE: Jenna lives next door to Ryan.

She claims she doesn't masturbate.

Do you think that's relevant?

CAHILL: My sense is that Jenna,

masturbation and the post office

are all crucial pieces to this puzzle.

I do not have a problem with the post office.

Wilfred does. He's setting me up!

He's manipulating all of you

because he's trying to steal my mother.

Whoa.

He's a dog.

I-I-I know that.

I-I was just kidding.

Well, then you won't mind me putting you

on an involuntary psychiatric hold

until I can determine that for myself.

What? Of course I mind.

Well, the law says that if I determine that you're a danger

to yourself or to others, I can hold you

- for 72 hours. - CATHERINE: I know it sounds scary,

but it'll help you just like it helped me.

I am not like you, okay?

You can't do this to me!

(sobbing)

There, there.

This is all your fault!

You backstabber! Eat shit!

Eat shit!

Again, your tone says insult,

but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.

Ryan, how are we feeling today?

Aside from the fact that I started smoking,

I feel pretty good.

Well, you've made a lot of progress

over the last three days, and based on years of

diagnostic experience and your lack of health insurance,

it is my medical opinion that you are not a danger

to yourself or to others, and I'm releasing you.

So I'm not nuts?

Look, everybody's a little cuckoo, Ryan.

The people who hide it well--

those are the people I worry about.

Oh, Ryan, one last thing.

Find someone you can talk to.

Thanks, Doc.

Can you ever forgive me?

Can you forgive me for calling you crazy?

Oh, it's okay.

I am, you know, a little.

Mom, if you'd stayed with Dad,

that would have been crazy.

Listen, Ryan, hope you don't mind,

but I think I'd like to stay here.

I like being somewhere

where I don't have to apologize for being me.

I am what I am.

Me, too.

Maybe you could come visit more often.

Maybe you can come visit me.

Boy, you really are the spitting image of your father.

It's kind of hard to look at you.

Oh, that's better.

So I guess you're pretty pissed at me

for getting you locked up, huh?

I was.

But now I'm kind of glad.

I think I finally understand my mother.

So, Mittens, did you miss me?

Bitch, please.

I knew you'd be back.

Transcript by Addic7ed.com

Okay, now I want you to think of a card.

Got one.

- Good. Now forget it. - Okay.

Think of another card.

Okay.

Perfect. Now forget that one, too.

I want you to think of one more card.

Fine.

- What card were you thinking of? - Four of clubs.

Turn over the top card.

Ten of hearts.

Keep going until you hit the four of clubs.

Hey, come back.

I'll show you how it's done.

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