Original subtitles

I will be happy to e-mail you

the itinerary for the European tour.

No, it's not a problem at all.

Okay, thank you, bye-bye.

Who ate my yogurt?

Which one of you greedy, selfish, little --

oh, there it is.

Sorry, guys. Love ya!

Oh, there she is.

- Holly Tyler? - Yeah?

Jim DeMarco, Federal Communications Commission.

Hi, nice to meet you.

We're investigating some illegal music downloading

that we've traced to your computer.

What? I mean, Holly Tyler's not in today.

You are aware that downloading music

without paying for it is a felony.

What? I mean, everybody does it.

You don't think that every single person

in this room hasn't downloaded a song --

Miss Tyler, we're gonna have to take you down to the station.

The station? The police station?

Okay, it was one Ricky Martin song.

He should be happy that I'm interested.

- Gotcha! - Gotcha! - Gotcha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Dude, you were great!

What? What was great? Who was great?

He was great. This was all a joke.

Jim's a bike messenger with me.

And an actor.

A joke? Okay, what a sick joke.

Why would you do something like that?

Um, because Vince thought that it would be funny?

Stupid Vince.

Yeah, I tried to tell him.

Not cool, Vinnie. Not cool.

Hey, five minutes ago, you two were all into this.

[ both muttering ]

Okay, how could you do this to me?

What? We used to do stuff like this to each other

all the time. I get you, you get me...

Six months ago, you would've found this hi-larious.

Okay, you know what? I've responsibilities now.

I mean, this is my office. I'm working.

You're always working. That's all you ever do now.

Don't you think it's interesting

that ever since you broke up with Ben,

you're working all the time now, Holly?

Are you trying to avoid something or someone?

Oh, you know what, Vince --

Exactly! You're trying to avoid Vince.

What's the problem, Holly?

I thought we were gonna go back to being friends.

We are friends.

I never see you. Every time I call you, you're busy.

Every time we're supposed to do something, you gotta work.

I mean, before this whole "you broke up with Ben

"because you liked me, but you couldn't trust me

because Tina threw herself at me, blah blah, blah,"

we used to have so much fun.

Oh, my God, you are so wrong.

My working a lot has nothing to do with you,

blah, blah, blah. God. You have such a big ego.

"And Tina threw herself at you"?

I said so many other relevant things.

♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ You really know how to dance ♪

♪ When you go up, down, jump around ♪

♪ Talk about true romance ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Keep on whispering in my ear ♪

♪ Tell me all the things that I wanna hear ♪

♪ 'Cause it's true ♪ ♪ What I like ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪ ♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪

♪ What I like about you ♪

♪ That's what I like about ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ That's what I like about you ♪

Sync by chocomoon www.addic7ed.com

Hey, Vince, what's going on, dude?

Can't talk.

Oh, well, looks who's avoiding who now.

We got a big problem, dude.

I came home, there's a padlock on our door with an eviction notice.

- What? - Wexler's kicking us out the apartment.

Oh, my God.

The notice said the neighbors have been complaining

about excessive noise.

Man, you got to stop dancing to "Soul Train."

You know, very often, if you sleep with the landlord,

he will rip up the eviction notice.

And also, you get to have sex.

Look, man, Wexler is crazy, man.

We didn't do anything wrong.

We gotta get ourselves a good lawyer, man.

Oh, you guys, I have a really good lawyer

that we use down in our office.

"The Law Offices of Suck It,

Eat It, and In Your Face?"

Gotcha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Here's the key to the padlock.

What?

I did it. I put the eviction notice up.

You? You did that?

Yeah. I did it.

This was a joke?

Yes. Oh, my God, dude,

you should've seen the look on your faces.

You were all, "Dude, we're being evicted."

Well, look who's doing the fun dance now?

Whoo! Yeah!

Holly, that is a horrible thing to do.

Are you kidding me?

That was hi-larious!

Up top!

I'm back!

Welcome back.

Val, this is what friends do.

Cupcakes on me, suckas.

Okay, explain to me what was funny about

convincing them that they were evicted?

Well, Val, it was a joke.

You know, from the Latin... hardy-har?

Well, I just don't think that is funny at all.

Oh, well, of course you don't.

'Cause you're a big bore, yes, you are.

What?

Oh, honey, don't go getting all offended.

I meant it in a good way.

Where is the good in "You're a big bore"?

I said it all cute.

But, hey, I wish

that I was as sensible and reliable

and dependable and trustworthy and...

[ snores ]

Oh, ha, sorry.

But, hey, those are some damn solid qualities.

Are you saying that I'm a bore?

Honey, don't make me say it again,

or else I'm gonna put myself back to sleep.

You know what? I don't want to be a bore.

I want to be fun and wild and spontaneous

and wicked crazy.

Oh, really?

Oh, God. No. We're not opening a whorehouse.

Hey, guys, there was an eviction notice

on our door.

- We know. Holly -- - Yeah, we know.

I needed my guitar, and I couldn't get

into the apartment, so I went down to Wexler,

and he denied that he did it, and we ended up

getting into this huge fight, and he called immigration on me.

Yeah, I'm gonna be deported.

Oh, my God, Ben, I'm so sorry.

But I did it.

What?

I put the eviction notice up.

You know, for funny?

No, this isn't happening. Holly, you think this is funny?

They're gonna send me back to England.

God. I can't even look at you right now.

Oh, Ben, now hold up, man. What --

Oh, my God, what did I do?

Okay, I gotta go talk to him.

No, no, no, Holly, let him cool off.

We'll call you later.

What am I gonna do?

Sweetie, I am sure there is someone at immigration

that Ben can sleep with.

- Ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha!

Did you see her face?

You were brilliant!

Really? I thought I went a little over the top

with the "God. I can't even look at you right now!"

No, no, no, man, you were totally Judi Dench in there.

What? Can't a brother

enjoy the "Masterpiece Theatre"?

So I still don't get how you were so sure

that it was Holly who put up the eviction notice.

When I saw Will Wexler's name signed

with Holly's famous little circles over the "i,"

I knew it was her.

She tried to pull one over on us.

- We are the masters. - Yes, we are.

You know, guys,

I actually feel a little bit bad about this.

Are you serious?

No, I was acting!

- Ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha!

If they think they can get us

with that fake deportation thing,

- I don't think so. - Wow, you're really into this.

I know. I forgot how much fun Vince and I used to have

doing mean things to each other.

Do you remember when I got him those big pants

and convinced him he was shrinking?

Three doctors!

- Hi, guys. - Hey.

Sorry I took a long lunch hour,

but I thought I'd do something a little wild,

a little wacky, totally off the charts.

Like my new purse?

Ooh, you crazy mofo.

Yeah, I thought maybe I needed something to go with that!

Come see, come see!

Goodbye, Hatchback. Hello, Porsche!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

I know!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

I know!

Oh, my -- oh, we're done.

Who's not fun now? I am wild.

I'm crazy. I've got torque, baby.

Belle, I can't believe you did this.

I know. I mean, here, I always thought

that you were a stuffy and responsible lady,

but inside you are just

a fat, middle-aged man with a ponytail.

Hey, what's up? Why'd you want to see us?

Oh, guys, I've got some big news to tell you.

So why don't you go in and sit down?

Watch and learn from the genius.

Ben, oh, my God, I feel so horrible

about this whole deportation thing.

It's okay.

We're gonna hide Ben underground.

We're gonna change his name to Rajeeb

and get him a job as a taxi driver.

Quick -- how much from Kennedy Airport to Midtown?

[ Indian accent ] $45. Should I take Midtown Tunnel?

Ben, you don't have to do that,

because Tina and I have been on the internet all afternoon,

and we found a solution.

Yeah, it turns out all Ben has to do

is marry an American citizen.

That way, he can stay in the country.

And since this whole thing was kinda my fault,

Ben...

will you marry me?

Ha ha ha ha!

Why are you laughing?

Oh, because -- that's really sweet,

but I could never ask you to do something like that.

Well, Ben, I have to.

I mean, I feel so horrible about this whole thing.

Besides, when I called immigration --

What, you called immigration? She called immigration for real.

But when I gave them your name

and all your information, they had no record --

Why would you do that?

My tourist Visa is about to expire.

This is gonna red flag me.

Do you know how hard it is to get back into this country

once they kick you out? It could be years.

I don't wanna go back.

So, uh, what I'm thinking is,

that we go to city hall first thing in the morning

and just get married.

Yeah.

You guys wouldn't go on a honeymoon

or anything, would you?

Oh, they have to. They have to be convincing

to the immigration people.

That's really sweet of you, Holly.

Ow! What's that for?

I don't like where this is going.

- Ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha!

You were so great! Oh, my God, did you see Ben freak out?

Yeah, I've never actually seen somebody's hair get scared.

Hey...Gary, why are you smiling?

Oh, 'cause this day just got a whole lot better.

Heh heh heh heh!

Oh, great, some old lady is trying to parallel park

in front of my car.

Nice driving, Miss Daisy!

Cut your wheel, cut your wheel!

That's it.

I knew these babies would come in handy.

What are you doing?

Protecting my investment.

See, these cones will act as a perimeter.

One ding, and my fun vehicle depreciates.

Okay, um, sweetie, why did you buy this car?

For fun. For torque.

For good times.

Oh, God. My knees are starting to hurt.

You know what that means? It's gonna rain.

Help me put up the lid. Come on, hurry, hurry.

It smells like a nor'easter.

Oh, little girl,

you're getting awfully close with that ice cream to the car.

Do you not see the perimeter of my fun vehicle?

Are you okay?

Can you believe her?

She actually thought she could trick us

after we tricked her after she tricked us

after we tricked her.

So, wait, I'm confused. Are we tricking her now,

or is she tricking us?

We're tricking her, my little Englishman.

[ knock on door ]

Okay, put your game faces on.

Hey, I got your message. What's so important?

I was picking out my wedding dress.

Shh, shh, shh.

Okay, well, uh, thank you for e-mailing

- the immigration forms, Mr. Ramirez. - Who is Mr. Ramirez?

Oh, that's the immigration guy who's been assigned

to Ben's and your case.

What?

Yeah, Ben wanted to make sure

he had all the proper paperwork for the wedding.

What? What? Ben, Ben, get off the phone.

Okay, well, my bride just got here,

so I'll fill her in, and Mr. and Mrs. Ben Sheffield

will be in your office on Monday.

Okay, why did you call immigration?

Now they know about you.

They already knew. You told them, didn't you?

Right, yes, I did that.

Hey.

Hey, Tina, where are you going?

I'm scared. This isn't fun anymore.

What? You're scared? Do you realize what's happening?

All I wanted to do is be friends with Vince,

and now I have to marry Ben.

I mean, why did you tell me that they were faking

- in the first place? It's all your fault. - It's my fault?

Okay, fine, I forgive you. Just tell me what to do.

Just calm down, okay? Look, you'll marry him,

and then you'll stick it out for a couple of weeks,

and then you'll have it annulled.

- So I only have to do it for a couple weeks? - A month, tops.

Oh, okay, well, I can do this, right?

I mean, it'll help Ben,

and what's a few weeks out of my life, right?

Yeah, and you get to have sex.

Tina, I am not having sex with my husband.

It's like you're already married.

Oh, you were right. This is so much fun.

We didn't go anywhere.

Yeah, but you could feel the torque, right?

Come on, Val, just around the block.

No, but the potholes... the potential nor'easter.

All right, you know what?

Give me the keys, because you cannot have this car.

No! What? What do you mean I can't have this car?

I'm having so much fun in it.

This is not fun!

It's not?

No, it's horrendous.

I am having a horrible, horrible time.

Listen, Val, some people are cut out for torque,

and some people are cut out for...dork.

Okay? You just have to embrace who you are.

A dork?

A big dork.

So I'm never gonna be fun?

Well, that sucks.

I thought maybe this one time I could just...

whoop it up!

You can't, Val. You just can't.

But I hereby give you permission to go back

to being the sensible, wise, reliable,

obsessive neurotic we all love and adore.

But, Lauren, I bought this cool convertible,

and I thought --

Go back, Val. Just go the hell back.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to join this man and this woman

in holy matrimony.

She makes such a beautiful fake bride.

Dude, you've got to love it.

She looks like she's totally freaking out.

Ben, do you take Holly to be your lawful --

Hold it!

Oh, thank God I made it in time.

Val, I can't believe you came.

You said that this wedding was an abomination

in the eyes of God.

Dude, we gotta speed this up.

My shift at Kinko's starts in an hour.

Look, I've been thinking about what you're doing,

and even though I may not agree with it,

I have to say I am very proud of you

for doing the right thing.

Oh, thanks, Val.

You brought a guest?

I'll go defrost some more burritos.

Everyone, this is Reverend Marshall

from the little brown church on 34th Street.

Amen, Reverend, amen, amen.

Yes, so, I was thinking,

since you guys are going to go through with this,

we should at least make it a nice memory, you know?

Not just have some justice of the peace marry you.

No offense.

But the kind reverend has agreed to do the honors.

Do you want to tell them, or should I?

Knock yourself out.

Val, listen, there's something I got to tell you and Holly.

This whole immigration thing --

You know what? Don't worry about.

I know my sister, and she's not great with details.

Since I am, I wanted everything to be legal,

so I stopped by immigration, I got all the proper forms,

and gave them all the necessary information.

Oh, my God, you gave them my information?

Yes, of course. Ben, my sister's about to do something

that is not exactly kosher,

and I really wanted just to make sure --

- I have to marry her? - He really has to marry her.

You really have to marry him?

Yeah, I mean, guys, what did you think we were doing here?

But, relax, it's only for a few weeks.

No, no, no, honey, legally, you have to live together

as a married couple for a year.

- What? - What? - What?

Yeah, they check up on you. Guys, this isn't a game.

I knew you wouldn't read the forms.

[ Reverend ]: Um, shall we begin?

Yes, yes.

Um, we -- Ben, um... I can't do this for a year.

Holly, I know, but they're gonna kick me out.

Leave her out of it. Gary will marry you.

I'll drive you up to Vermont.

No, okay, listen, Ben, I'm sorry.

I mean, I really want to help you,

but I just -- I can't do this.

But we'll find another way, I swear.

Gotcha.

What?

Gotcha!

It was all a joke! Fake papers, fake minister...

it was all me! Ha ha ha ha!

I made a joke! A big "gotcha" joke!

Okay, so no one at immigration

knows anything about me?

No, I didn't tell them.

Then who's that guy?

I sell cologne at Barney's.

Ha ha! Hee hee! See, who's the funny one now?

Me! Val! Why? 'Cause I gotcha!

How? Because of Gary's big mouth

all on the phone with Vince at the bakery.

Yeah. See, I don't need a Porsche to be fun.

I gotcha! Ha ha! I gotcha, gotcha, gotcha!

Oh...it's exhausting being funny.

Yeah, um, Val, that was, uh, real funny.

Yeah, you got us good, Val.

Whoo-hoo.

But, guys,

I gotcha.

Whew! I almost had to marry Ben, girl.

Imagine --

telling my mama I was gonna marry a white man.

Wait, no, I...I was just being funny, you guys!

It's okay when you do it, but when I try --

- Gotcha! - Gotcha! - Gotcha!

Oh, no!

You gotta admit, I almost got you.

Yeah, well, Val got us all.

It's always the pretty, unfunny ones.

Yeah...

But, you know, some good did come from this.

I got to have fun with my friend again.

I missed you, Vince.

I missed you, too.

Holly, will you marry me?

What?

Got ya!

Oh...

Face!

Ha ha ha. You so thought I meant it.

No, I so did not.

You so did. You were gonna say yes, too,

because you were all, like...

- No, I wasn't. You're so stupid. - Oh, I'm stupid?

- Yeah, you're stupid. Look at your stupid pants. - They are pretty loose.

Yeah, maybe they're shrinking.

You -- I went to three doctors 'cause of you!

I know! I got you the most! I'm the best!

Sync by chocomoon www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0