Original subtitles

I love our new loft!

I love saying I will be upstairs.

I love saying square footage, cozy crap.

I love huge!

I know, I love it too.

What are you doing?

I'm setting up my office.

Val, we have be working like dogs since we moved in, take a break.

Well, that's kinda what this conversation is. There, all done.

Come on, Val!

What, you know I hate all this icky confusion.

You want icky confusion,

I have a math final, biology lab and history paper from

2 years ago hanging over my head and look at me, totally relaxed!

It's a good thing you are pretty.

Come on, Val, take the weekend off.

Oh, Holly, when starting your own business there is no such thing as a weekend.

Don't worry about me. You go have fun.

All right.

You know,

I'd have a lot more fun if I knew you weren't

going to be here all alone working all day.

Oh, that's sweet, but I'm not gonna be alone.

- Lauren's coming over -- - 'kay, bye.

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Come on, who was it?

I'm not saying.

Vince, you can't tell people that you did it

with somebody famous and then not tell them who it was!

Yeah, at least give us a hint.

Okay, um... she has three names.

Sarah Jessica Parker?

- No. - Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Nope. No three-name Sarahs were involved.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Yeah!

I don't think that's three names, or legal.

At least not for another 248 days.

Ooh, ooh, I know, I know. Beyoncé Knowles.

Uh, that's two names.

I know, but she is smokin'.

Sitting right here, dude.

All right, that's enough.

I think my girlfriend's getting a little

uncomfortable with this whole conversation.

No, just your part with Beyoncé.

I think she's totally into guessing who I did it with.

[ Gary ]: Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Oh, God, Beyoncé wishes she were Jennifer.

You know, maybe this isn't the best conversation

to have in mixed company.

By mixed company, do you mean

people who've done it, and you two?

What are you talking about? My boy has done it.

Ha ha ha.

Mary Tyler Moore?

Wait, wait, I thought you said you guys never...

We haven't.

I'm gonna go take this up.

I'll go with you.

Nice going, dude.

Well, I thought she knew. He tells her everything.

Guys never tell girls everything.

Don't give me that wise old man business.

You can't buy beer, either.

Here you go.

Look, I am really sorry

that you had to hear about that the way you did.

Don't worry about it.

It was just this thing that happened at camp.

I swear I was going to tell you, but there was never a good --

You know what? It's no big deal, Henry.

You know? I was a little surprised, but it's cool.

Totally cool. Here. Keep the change.

You swear?

I swear. Excuse me.

Okay, I know.

Ann B. Davis -- the maid on "The Brady Bunch."

Yes.

[ knock on door ]

Hey.

Aloha.

It is a beautiful day outside.

I thought we could have a little luau

out on the veranda.

Uh, yeah, but I told you

we're setting up the office today.

You're serious?

We're working on a Saturday?

I thought you were joking.

Yeah, why would that be a joke?

'Cause we've been working nonstop for three weeks.

Still not getting the funny.

Okay, in this box is contact information

for practically everyone I have ever met.

Your job is to input it in the database

I have set up on my computer.

Ha ha. Now that's funny.

Ha ha ha.

The faster you do it, the faster it'll be done.

Okay!

[ groans ]

Great birthday.

What?

Hmm?!

I thought you said something.

Oh, no.

Okay.

I said "great birthday."

Today is your birthday?

Lauren, why didn't you tell me?

Well, I guess I thought you knew.

In fact, when you asked me to come here

and work on a Saturday, I thought,

"That's so absurd,

She must be planning a surprise party."

Okay, well, uh,

I guess I can't let you work on your birthday,

so you go on home, okay?

Take the day off. I'll finish all this.

But who will input all the contact information

on the database?

I will take care of it, okay?

You go home,

do something special for yourself.

Oh. Okay.

Well, that's kind of what this was.

This year I wanted to go to Hawaii with a friend,

but I can't afford Hawaii,

and you're my best...

- Oh, no, no, don't. - Friend.

Ooh.

Okay. Ha ha.

What's in the bag?

Hawaii!

Okay, look.

Um, I got you a sarong,

and suntan lotion, macadamia nuts,

hula music, "Pearl Harbor."

Ben Affleck. Ooh!

I guess we can take out a little time

to celebrate your birthday.

- Okay, good. Go put this on. - Okay.

I feel bad. I didn't get you a present.

Oh, sweetie.

Cash is great!

He doesn't look different.

Who?

Henry.

He still looks like a virgin.

Yeah, I think he's stuck with that look.

Shh. Here he comes.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Just stuff.

Any stuff that you want to talk to me about?

Uh, nope.

So, we're still cool?

Still cool.

Cool.

How could he not tell me?

And how could he tell Gary and not me?

And who is this girl? What does she look like?

Is she pretty? Is she tall? Is she thin?

Is she stupid? I mean, who is she?

Shannon.

You know her name?

Yeah, Gary told me.

She works at Bloomie's, and she's only two stops away.

You want to go look at her?

No, I don't need to see her.

Why not?

I already have her pictured.

She's a little troll with a glass eye

and a little bit of a hump.

And I'm good with that.

All right, how about this?

I go see her and report back to you.

No. What if she's prettier than me?

I'll lie.

No, don't lie. I have to know the truth.

Okay, fine, fine. If she's prettier than you,

- then I will tell you. - You would do that to me?

What kind of crappy friend are you?

What do you want me to do?

Insist I go, and don't take no for an answer.

Hey, guys, Holly and I got to get off here.

We forgot something.

Yeah. We'll meet you at the park later.

What did you forget?

Um...cheese.

I got cheese.

- Spicy mustard? - Got it.

Toothpicks?

Right here.

Tampons.

[ men groan ] Ah, hell, no!

[ Hawaiian music playing ]

See?

Isn't this nice?

It's like our own little Hawaii above the city.

Uh-huh.

Isn't that your Palm Pilot? Are you doing work?

Oh, no. No, huh-unh. I was playing a game

called, uh, pin the tail on my schedule.

There is no working on my birthday, please.

All right, fine, I'll put it away.

[ doorbell rings ]

Who's that?

Ooh, I think I know who.

Oh, Lauren.

Here's a cute story.

So, remember those gift certificates for massages

Harper & Diggs gave to employees

who did an excellent job?

Yeah.

I did an excellent job stealing them!

Happy birthday to me.

You can set up right over there, fellas.

Hello.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay, look, I know it's your birthday and everything,

but I think luau time is over.

I need to get back to --

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I think I can carve out another hour

for the rubbing.

Oh, yeah.

I've, um, I've never had a massage

from a male masseuse.

Are you supposed to take everything off?

It's totally up to you.

You know, most people take everything off.

I'll probably leave like a little something on.

My lipstick.

Oh, my God, that's her!

How do you know?

The way she acts all cocky.

And her name tag says "Shannon."

You're looking at the girl who soiled your boyfriend.

She doesn't have a hump.

Unfortunately, she's got two nice ones in the front.

Okay, okay, we have seen her. Now let's go.

No, I've got to go talk to her.

Why?

I've got to find something wrong with her.

Hi. Can I help you?

No, I was just noticing what nice skin you have,

and such pretty eyes.

Might they be glass?

What?

What she means is they're really bright and shiny.

What kind of eyeliner do you use?

Oh.

Hey, you look kind of familiar.

Uh, do you go to Stuyvesant?

Hunter.

Huh. Oh, wait. Did we go to camp together?

I don't know. Did you go to Ticonderoga?

Yes!

I thought I knew you from somewhere.

Wow! Hi. Holly.

And this is Tina. Hi.

You know, I'm sorry.

I don't know if I remember you.

Huh. Oh...

I was a lot heavier back then.

I was hitting the s'mores pretty hard

around the campfire.

Yeah, yeah, she went to fat camp last summer.

Yeah, that's where I met Tina.

So, this has been the weirdest week.

First we ran into Henry Gibson on the subway,

now we see you here.

Henry Gibson?

Yeah, you remember him, right?

He's kinda tall, cute.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember Henry.

So, um, do you want to look at something?

Hey...

Weren't you and Henry kinda...

You know, I really don't want

to talk about Henry right now.

Why not?

Because whenever I think about him,

it makes me want to vomit.

Henry Gibson?

Are you sure you've got the right one?

He seems like such a nice guy.

Well, yeah, sure.

See, that's his thing. That's how he comes off.

He comes off all nice and sweet and innocent,

and then he gets what he wants,

and he totally blows you off.

Henry Gibson?

You're not thinking about going there, are you?

Because I'll tell you the same thing

that I tell any girl who's even thinking

about getting involved with that punk.

Stay away.

This may be my own personal sickness,

but I have never found him more attractive.

A te lo, Lauren.

A te lago, Valerie.

A te lago, Carlos y Renaldo.

[ doorbell rings ]

Ooh. That must be lunch.

You ordered us lunch?

Yes, I did. Something special for your birthday.

Oh, please let it be Carlos with a side of Renaldo.

Aloha.

Hey, here's your food.

Oh, great. Can you just set it over there?

Thanks.

Did you remember the cake?

It's in the box. And, you know, cake's free

if today's your actual birthday.

- Oh, great. - But I'll need to see some I.D.

Okay.

No problem. Let's see...

Where does she keep -- ah, here we go.

Um, today's not March 3rd.

- What? - It says her birthday's March 3rd.

Unbelievable!

You free cake people are the worst.

That'll be $45.

You got change for a hundred?

- No. - Good. Keep it.

Oh, my God. All this for me?

Yep, 'cause it's your birthday.

Aw, you got me a cake.

Yes, I did. I got you a birthday cake.

'Cause that is what you eat

on your birthday.

Hey, I have an idea. Let's have some now.

Oh, yay!

Here you go! Make a wish.

Okay, I know just what I'm going to wish for.

You know, if you make a wish

and it's not your birthday,

you burn in hell.

I wish it was my birthday.

So do you want to talk about what's been bugging you?

Nothing's bugging me.

Come on, Gary, let's go order at the counter.

No, I want to stay and find out

what's bugging Holly.

If you don't come with me,

I'm going to take my female products

out of my bag.

Go ahead.

Okay. Okay, okay. Don't. Stop. Let's go.

You haven't looked me in the eye all day.

I get one-word answers.

I think I know when something's bugging you.

You know me pretty well?

I think I do.

I think Gary's little announcement this morning

bothers you a lot more than you want to admit.

I saw her today.

Who?

Shannon.

What?

Yeah. I found out that she works at Bloomie's,

and that's where Tina and I went.

Are you serious?

I can deal with the fact

that you didn't want to tell me about her,

but did you really just use her like that

- and then blow her off? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You, uh, you talked to her? About me?

How could you do that?

It's not true, is it, Henry?

Just tell me that she's lying, and I'll believe you.

If you wanted the whole story,

you should have come to me first!

Oh, my God. You're avoiding the question.

Uh, no. What I'm avoiding is telling you

exactly how angry I am right now.

You're angry? Well, you know, I'm a little freaked.

Can you imagine how I felt when she said --

I don't care what she said!

You never should have gone there.

I would never go digging around your private life.

That's 'cause I'm honest with you,

and I tell you everything.

Honest with me?

Um, I think the conversation this morning

went a little like this --

"It's okay. I'm cool."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

If you were totally cool about it,

you wouldn't have been lurking around a department store

stalking my old girlfriends.

"Girlfriends"?

What, did you do the entire lingerie department, too?

Maybe.

I hope he had a good time with that camp girl,

'cause that's going to have to last him a long time.

Finished.

Thank you.

Anything else?

No. Thank you. You can go.

[ Hawaiian music plays ]

That's not funny.

[ turns off music ]

Okay, can I ask you something?

Did you have fun today?

You made me waste --

Ah, ah! Did you have fun today?

You lied to me --

Buh, buh, buh!

Did you have fun?

Yes.

Did you relax?

Yes.

Okay, well, then did it ever occur to you

that I was doing something nice for you today?

No.

Okay, look,

sometimes people look at me because I'm so pretty,

and they think I'm superficial.

But there is depth there.

And the truth is, I'm worried about you.

"Why?" you ask?

'Cause I don't want anything to happen to you.

Look, I spent my whole life watching my father

work every Saturday and most Sundays.

And you know what that got him?

A heart attack.

Is this a real story?

Oh, my God, I wouldn't lie about that.

Okay, sorry. Is he okay?

Is your father still...

Someone who always wanted a son? Yes.

But with lower cholesterol.

Look, the point is,

it was really scary.

And you are, like, so tightly wound.

And I don't want anything to happen to you.

You should think about that every time you want to fire me.

'Cause without me, oh, you're dead.

So you did all of this for me?

I'm a giver.

Admit it...

you loved my fake birthday.

I did.

Oh.

Thank you.

You know what?

I think we should celebrate your fake birthday

at least once a month,

and always invite hot Brazilian men.

I've got more coupons.

Ooh, I get Renaldo.

Okay.

Hello, Holly.

Hello, Henry.

You're looking well.

So, you called.

Was there something you care to discuss?

Would you like to hear my side of the story?

Sure.

Shannon wasn't lying.

Oh, my God, Henry, how could you do that?

Well, would you just let me finish?

Yes.

After the incident,

I didn't speak to her.

The whole thing was a nightmare.

She was bossy and cold,

and she accused me of being in over my head.

I mean, it was my first time.

And not a lot of women know this,

but it's a little nerve-racking for the guy, too.

And by the way, I think I did a pretty damn good job,

considering it was dark and we were both in a canoe.

So you didn't use her.

No. After the way she treated me like that,

I just didn't want anything to do with her.

And that's the whole story.

So we're okay?

Pretty much.

Come on, what else?

I don't know.

What?

I just sort of feel like we don't have that thing

in common anymore.

I mean, what I loved was that when we were ready,

we were going to experience our first time together.

Well, my first time was in a canoe,

so, technically, on land I'm still a virgin.

Hey, what are you doing out here?

Hey. Watching birds.

Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah. They keep pooping over there in the same spot.

But I don't mind. You know why?

Why?

Because I'm chillin'.

How was the park?

It was fun. I got a little color

and found out Henry's not a virgin.

Henry?

I know.

Henry Gibson?

I know.

Wait a second.

He's not -- not a -- because you're not...

No, no, don't worry. I'm the last virgin in my group.

Possibly on the planet.

That's what I like to hear.

You keep up the good work.

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