Original subtitles

Morning.

Come here.

Yeah.

Ew! Gross. Get it out of my face.

You have left this sitting here for three days.

Look at this disgusting plate of grapes.

Or, a delightful dish of raisins.

What would you do if you lived by yourself?

I'd open a raisin shop and have boyfriends sleep over.

Well, no boy wants to be involved

with a dirty girl.

Okay, they all do. But you know what?

This is my office now, and I really need you

to start picking up after yourself.

Is my room part of the office?

No, of course not.

Thank you.

Hi.

Sorry I am late,

but I had to race home this morning

to change my clothes, if you know what I'm saying.

I do, so please stop.

That's not what they said.

So, who is ready for lattes?

Here is the receipt.

To whom do I submit it?

Lauren, my company is 11 days old.

There is no expense account.

Oh, no problemo.

I'll just go take it out of petty cash.

No! Huh-unh. My wallet is not petty cash.

Yeah, you got that right.

Ooh, nice picture.

Wait. 102?

Oh, my God, we weigh the exact same!

You girls look all fancy. What's up?

Well, it's a big day for us.

We're meeting with what I'm hoping

will be Valco's next client.

Valco?

Yeah, I finally thought of a great name

for the company.

What is it?

You'll like it when you see it with the logo.

Why? Does it cover up the name Valco?

So, did Dr. Haven finally return our phone calls?

No, she didn't, but she is having

a book-signing at Tribeca Books today,

and we are going to go to her.

"Taming your Teen"? Have you read this?

Oh, God, no.

Parenting books are a total scam.

My mom never read one, and look at me.

Listen to this.

"Like toddlers,

"teenagers subconsciously want boundaries.

"It's up to parents to strap their teens

into what I call the invisible stroller."

Did you ever want to strap me into an invisible stroller?

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

We go to the book signing,

start up a little conversation with Dr. Haven,

invite her to coffee,

and then I pitch the company to her.

Is the coffee to keep her awake? 'Cause...[ snores ]

Okay, I've only been doing this

since you were french-kissing your hand.

What do you have?

Okay, let's see.

What can we learn about Judy?

Okay, well, it says here she's been divorced.

Clearly, she needs a makeover.

Um, so why don't we take her to a spa,

get her all glammed up?

She can maybe meet a sexy fireman,

and it'll be all thanks to us.

How could she not want to sign?

Okay, so you're saying we spend a bunch of money

that we don't have to make her feel ugly and alone.

Yeah, if she doesn't sign right then,

I am quitting the business.

You're kidding, right?

'Cause if you quit,

then I am back out on the streets.

Oh, God.

My staff.

Okay, look, calm down!

If you don't like that idea,

there's a million more where that came from.

Unfortunately, you have to go to school.

Who needs school? I'm like a P.R. genius.

Okay, what about this? How --

No, no, go. You're gonna be late.

Val, I thought you said that when you started a company,

you would want me to help.

I did, I did, and when I get this client,

I will start a file, and you can file it.

Now, go to school.

Brush up on that alphabet so you can file it real good.

This is so lame.

I hate Valco.

Yeah, at Laurenco, we'd be drinking by now.

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Hey, girls.

Hey. What are you doing here?

I'm on my lunch break.

It's 11:00.

I meant I'm skipping chemistry.

Can you write me a note?

Yes, because I finished school.

Look, I'm sorry, but after I thought about

your whole taking her out to coffee thing,

I got a little freaked out about my future.

I've got dreams, Val.

Is one of them to not go to college?

Okay, look, I'll stay out of your way, okay?

You do your thing. I'm just here for backup.

All right.

Oh, my God, there's Peter!

What? Where?

What is he doing here?

What do you think he's doing here?

He wants to sign her account, too.

Hey, guys.

- Hello. - Hi.

So, big Judith Haven fan, are you?

Nah. I mean, I haven't even read it.

I'm just here to sign her.

Well, I'm sorry, but I think you're a little too late.

Meaning?

Meaning, uh, I got here first,

and the back of the line's over there, buddy.

Way to go PG-13 on him.

Hey, you.

Hey, Judy.

Is there anything you'd like me to tell her?

Did he just call her Judy?

And did you hear that "Hey, you"?

They are doing it!

It doesn't mean they're doing it.

Oh, yeah? Well, I've had more than a few guys

give me the old "Hey, you."

Did it ever occur to you

that's because they forgot your name?

Okay, what do you want me to do?

Ooh, I could set something on fire,

or I could steal something and set off the alarm.

That's real mature.

[ both laughing ]

All right, I'm taking cutsies.

Come on. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Uh...

Judy, this is Val Tyler.

Val used to work with me at Harper & Diggs.

Yes, I left to form my own agency.

You know, a small boutique agency --

just a few select clients.

Yeah, we were very sorry to lose her.

How many clients do you have right now?

100.

So, Peter, how'd you like Judith's book?

I loved it.

Oh, yeah? What was your favorite part?

Her picture.

Which reminds me -- you know,

I forgot to have mine signed last night.

Maybe one too many martinis.

Still drinking, huh?

Uh, well, I have to.

Attractive women make me nervous.

[ Judith chuckles ]

Why don't you leave it right here?

There's a publishing party this evening,

and I'll give it back to you there.

Give me a chance to write

something a little more personal.

All right. I'll stop by.

Thank you.

Uh, Dr. Haven,

I know you're very busy,

but I would love to sit down with you,

maybe have coffee, and discuss --

Oh, I am sorry.

I am completely overscheduled.

Um, Dr. Haven, you know what my sister liked most

about your book?

It's the fact that you have a 17-year-old daughter,

and Val has a 17-year-old sister living with her -- me.

Total relatability.

Oh, well, did you find the book helpful?

So helpful.

Never too old for a time-out --

how true is that?

What school do you go to?

Stuyvesant.

That's where my daughter just started.

Shut up!

They should meet.

Absolutely. Tina doesn't know anybody yet.

Well, then this is perfect. She'll know Holly.

Holly's great. Everybody loves Holly.

What are you doing this afternoon?

Oh...oh, shoot. I have Bible study class.

Well, you know what? I could put that off.

Yeah, yeah, we can study up

on some Scripture later at home.

Well, great.

Why don't you come by the book party this evening,

and we can compare notes on our girls.

Oh, I'd love to. See you there.

Oh, nicely done.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

You know, when I sign her, I'm gonna have to take you

to a very expensive dinner.

No, I think I'll be the one

taking you to the expensive dinner.

Okay, when I sign her, you can take me.

You were amazing.

Hey, I know him.

Hi, Paul.

Hey...

you.

Hey, so after what you did today,

you're probably gonna have this big position

in Val's company, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Office buzz is she's going to make me a vice president.

In charge of what?

I don't know.

Hey, can I be in the company?

Sure, you're treasurer.

You can buy my lunch.

Now, listen.

This Tina girl was raised really strict,

so I'm thinking she's going to be like a pilgrim girl.

So that means we have to act like pilgrims, too.

No, Holly, there were no black pilgrims.

You got to stop skipping school.

Hey, are you Holly?

Oh, hi. Yeah, are you Tina?

Yeah.

Okay, uh, well, this is Gary.

Is it okay if he hangs out with us?

I don't care. Scoot.

So...

You go to Stuyvesant, too?

I'm only here because my mom made me come,

and you're only here because your sister

wants my mom's business, so here's what happened --

We met. We shopped. We shared a giant cookie.

It was great.

Hey, what kind of cookie? Chocolate chip, oatmeal?

Y'all got to be on the same page cookie-wise,

or your whole plan's going to crumble.

Ha ha ha.

Cookie, crumble. Ha ha ha.

Cookie, crumble. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Who are you?

Gary.

He your boyfriend?

- No. - No.

- Hey! - Hey!

Whatever. God, I just --

I hate it when my mom sets me up on play dates.

You know, I can find my own friends.

Good, go find them.

Gary!

Oh, don't worry about it. Sometimes I come off mean.

It's this whole anger thing I've got going on.

Why, did you read your mom's book?

How gross is that thing?

I mean, how can I not be hostile?

All right, since we all know what's going on here,

and obviously you don't want to be here,

then do me a favor and put in a good word

for my sister?

Fine. I'll see you.

Oh, my God, she is unbelievable.

What?

My mom's checking up on me. Here, hide this.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Hi, honey. I was just passing by.

Thought I'd stop in, see how things are going.

So great.

Oh, thank you so much for hooking me up with Holly.

She is so nice.

Well, I thought you two might get along.

What's in the bag?

What bag?

The bag you just handed to Holly.

Oh, yeah, it's nothing. Don't worry about it.

Tina, I'd like to see what's in the bag.

A pregnancy test? Get up.

- No, Mom -- - Now!

It's mine.

But it's not mine.

Well, we have to be going.

Good luck with... everything.

Let's go.

Um, Mom, I think I should stay.

Holly's kind of freaked, and --

Tina, she is not an appropriate friend, okay? Let's go.

No, come on, look, doesn't your book say

that after parents, peers are the best support system?

All right.

But I don't want you hanging around here long.

Okay. Thanks. I'll see you later.

Thanks.

Why did you do that? You just met that girl.

I don't know about you,

but I found her a bit impolite.

Did you see her face? She was scared to death.

And, oh, my God, her mom? Can you believe her?

Yeah. She's gonna make one wicked-ass grandma.

- Where you going? - To the bathroom.

I gotta go find out if I'm pregnant.

Hey, you okay?

Yeah. Hey, look, as long as you're here,

you mind guarding the door?

Oh, sure, no problem.

So, how long does the test take?

The box says three minutes.

Hey, look, just so you know, I'm not a slut, okay?

Oh, I didn't think you were.

Probably a little looser than I should be, but...

Probably.

God, this is the longest three minutes of my life.

Okay, so, uh, let's talk.

Tell me something about yourself.

Um...I think I might be pregnant.

Okay, um, so where, uh... where you from?

Chicago -- where I wasn't pregnant.

Oh. Okay, let's talk about me.

Um, ask me anything.

Have you ever been pregnant?

Hold on a minute.

It's me, it's me. I need to talk to you for a second.

Okay.

Um, sorry for interrupting the proceedings,

but, um, I'm $4 short on the bill.

Sorry, one second.

Okay, here you go.

I'd kind of like to leave a nice tip.

Oh, my God.

I know. Get out of here.

No. No, no. The stick -- it's pink.

Ooh, is she having a girl?

No. No, no. It means that I'm not pregnant.

Oh, my God, you're not pregnant!

Oh, my God, I'm not pregnant!

Congratulations.

- Thank you. - No. Thank you.

- For what? - I'm never having sex.

Me neither.

Well, you know, not a ton.

Take it easy, okay?

Maybe I'll see you around school.

Thank you. Hey, I owe you.

No, you don't. Just put in a good word for my sister, okay?

You got a second choice?

What do you mean?

Look, trust me, the minute that my mom saw you

with that pregnancy test,

She totally wrote off you and your sister.

Oh, my God. Okay, I have to go tell Val.

Do you know where that party is?

Oh, yeah. I'll go with you.

Here, get rid of this for me.

Okay.

Ew!

Look at Peter sucking up to her.

He's trying to make up for his lack of ideas

with food, alcohol, and dimples.

Mm.

How good does he look a-walkin'?

How many of those have you had?

Two...

less than seven.

[ Judith and Peter laughing ]

He is disgusting.

Don't you worry about that gorgeous, funny man.

Oh, look, here comes your little ace in the hole.

Okay, listen to me.

You go stick to Peter like glue

until we have signed her, okay?

Do you hear me?

I'm smashed, not deaf.

Hey.

Hi. There you are. Oh, this must be Tina.

Hi. It is so nice to meet you.

Oh, you guys look so cute together.

You got that whole chemistry thing happening.

Hey, you should come over and hang out at our place.

You want to come over tonight?

Um, I'd better go.

I can't let my mom see me with you.

Why? Why? Why can't she be seen with you?

Oh, Holly, did you curse at her?

No. Her mom kind of thinks that I might be pregnant.

What?

No, I'm not, but Tina thought she might be,

and her mom caught her with a pregnancy test,

and so I said it was mine.

Why? Why would you do that?

Because her mom is a scary, scary monster,

and I just thought if I said the test was mine,

then what's the difference?

Wow. That's a really incredible thing to do.

Yeah, but now the monster thinks I'm a ho,

which means that you're the guardian of a ho,

which means that we don't get her business.

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

I can still fix this.

Ooh, I know what to do. Come with me.

Why do I have to go?

Because I need you to stand nearby

and look sad and troubled.

[ gasps ] Sushi.

Oh. Hello, Val.

Hi, Judith.

You all right?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I just am so confused.

Can I -- no.

What?

Well, it's just that I could really use

some of your expert advice on that one over there.

Oh.

Do you really want to know what I think?

Oh, yeah. I don't know where else to turn.

I mean, how did she get so out of control?

It's you.

I'm sorry?

May I speak freely?

More freely than that?

It's Holly's environment.

She lives with you, right,

- and it's just the two of you? - Yeah.

So there's really no traditional

parental figure for her to look up to.

There are no boundaries, no invisible stroller,

if you will.

She obviously has no structure, no rules.

There's really no parenting going on.

At best, you're a substitute.

I --

I do the best I can.

Oh, well, I'm sure you do. But look, you're very young.

You've got your own life, your own friends.

This is your time to be selfish.

It is?

But you can't.

No, I can't.

Because?

Because I have a teen in the house.

That's right.

And you also have a new business

in the house, don't you?

Yes, Doctor.

And I'd imagine you're consumed by it.

Ooh, you're good.

I know.

So, perhaps Holly really isn't a priority.

Then, you see, the questions isn't

what's wrong with Holly.

The question is, what's wrong with you?

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold up there, Judy.

Val, you're not listening to this garbage, are you?

Well, she is a doctor.

No, no. Okay, look...

I know that you're an expert,

but, oh, my God, what were you smoking

when you wrote this book?

Okay. Holly, I don't think --

No, no, no. It's quite all right.

I like getting feedback from young people.

Oh, okay, good, 'cause here's some feedback.

I am so glad that you're not my mom,

because if you were,

I would have been in some gross diner bathroom

all by myself, scared to death,

taking a pregnancy test.

But instead, I had somebody to go to --

this woman,

the one who you say is a horrible guardian.

Well, you know what?

I didn't have to hide it from her.

I mean, she wasn't happy. Believe me, so not happy.

But she was there for me.

So when I hear you say

that my sister's not doing a good job,

and that I'm not a priority, well, you know what?

It makes me want to tell you to write a book

about pissing me off,

because you're totally an expert at that!

Well, you certainly have your hands full.

I know. I know, I know, I know.

Hey, when you invited me over tonight,

did you mean forever?

You can stay as long as you want,

but mommy can never visit.

I'll call you, okay?

Okay, thanks.

Bye.

Val, I'm sorry about losing the client.

It's okay.

It was worth it to hear how awesome I am.

You are awesome.

And you are smart.

It takes a smart girl to know how awesome I am.

- Hey. - Hey.

You okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm awesome.

Uh, Dr. Haven -- all yours.

Oh, well, if it makes you feel any better,

I don't want her, either.

I'm gonna sign her, but I don't want her.

It looks like I owe you a very expensive dinner.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, that's too bad. I was going to try

and talk you into coming back to work for me.

Can I just have the cash?

Oh, there you are.

How did you get away from me, Peter Cottontail?

Lauren, it's okay. We lost the client.

Oh. That is so sad.

I'll get you guys a cab.

Thank you.

Come on, drinkie.

Ooh, wait, I just have to get my purse.

Okay.

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