Original subtitles

Previously on "United States of Tara"...

Who are you?

I'm Bryce Craine.

The relevant term here is "abuser alter."

It's a personality modeled on a primary abuser.

Hattaras isn't seeing Tara anymore.

Bryce tried to poison him with crab.

These are two doctors that I can refer you to.

One of them resides in Chicago, the other, Boston.

The one in Boston. Him.

Lionel Trane's dead. It was a car accident.

Kate: I really like Evan, but that kid...

Evan: Monty, come down here!

Max: That kid's a handful.

Why can't we live in the same city?

'Cause life, my dear, is not that neat.

- I think we should sell the house and move to Houston. - Are you serious?

You think that mom needs to be locked up?

Organic veggies?

And round-the-clock psychiatric care.

It's a fancy nuthouse.

[ As Bryce ] Boom!

[ As Tara ] I'm sorry.

Organic veggies, huh?

Max: Tennis courts.

Ta-- Tara!

Fuck!

[ As Bryce ] ♪ When I was young ♪

♪ it seemed that life was so wonderful ♪

[ Inhales sharply ]

♪ A miracle ♪

♪ oh, it was beautiful ♪

[ As Tara ] This ends today!

♪ All the birds in the trees ♪ Aah!

I don't deserve this!

I didn't deserve any of it! I have a life to lead!

Oh, and it's going so well.

Shall we say "swimmingly"?

[ Chuckles ]

You have no idea how much crazy

is bouncin' around that lopsided skull of yours.

I deserve to be left alone!

To be set free -- free to read a book

or join a club or mop the fucking floor!

Kill me already, would ya? All you do is complain.

Whatever happened to that sweet little girl

with the pussy that tastes just like candy?

Ohh!

Aaaaaah!

Die!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Oh.

Tara!

[ Siren wails ]

Swimming?

You went swimming?

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

I love to swim.

I, uh... It was so hot, you know?

Indian summer and all. I mean, no offense to Indians. I used to swim competitively.

But the water just looked so cool... She's very competitive.

Challenged me to a race. And refreshing.

Well, it's, uh, obvious you two think

I'm some kind of retarded hillbilly,

so, uh, I'm gonna go type your little story

in our brand-new "big-city truth machine"

and wait for the results with a tin cup full of moonshine.

Maybe I'll take a shit and clean my asshole with a corncob.

Y'all stay put now, y'hear?

Holy fucking shit!

Max, hold it together.

If he figures out what happened back there,

they'll throw me in state.

Tara --

You do not want me in state.

I'm talking fucking "Shutter Island."

You know, padded rooms and drugs and drooling

and straitjackets, throw away the key.

You jumped off a goddamn bridge!

Because I'm crazy.

But you can't let them take me. I'll rot up there.

And I can't go to that fucking country club

Charmaine came up with, either.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Let's just head home, grab a bucket of chicken,

tell the kids you auditioned for the universal stunt show.

That's not what I'm saying. I need real help.

What does that even fucking mean anymore?

[ Sighs ]

Boston.

What?

I need to go to Boston.

Hattaras said I should go there.

There's a doctor there who's supposed to be the best --

What the fuck was that? Huh?

I was trying to help you --

All of you.

[ Sighs ]

Please, Max.

Boston.

We can't tell anybody about this.

I can't believe you came home!

We talked about this! You were on your way!

I mean, what the fuck?

We changed our minds.

But Boston?

Yeah, it's the best in the country.

They have a three month in-patient program

followed by ongoing aftercare as long as I need.

For someone who's about to hop in the first clown car to Goofyville, Mass.,

you seem a wee bit keyed up.

Yes...Kate.

Because, Kate, I am ready to fight.

I looked at the worst parts of myself

right in the eye and said, "I mean something.

I matter. I have a life to lead."

That's great, but what if Bryce comes back?

[ Chuckles ]

Bryce is dead.

What?

Don't. Just --

Dad, is this what you want?

Fuck no!

What I want is to get the hell out of here!

I'm done with it all!

Fuck the whole goddamn thing!

Yes. Hell yes, Marsh.

I-I want your mom to get the best help possible.

We still have some details to figure out.

Top of the list -- Moosh.

We don't want to take you out of school.

Well, if it's only gonna be three months,

why don't I just stay here?

By yourself? Absolutely not.

Then I'll stay with grandma Sandy.

Absolutely not! Absolutely not.

Look, I got it under control, Marsh, okay?

We're gonna make sure you're taken care of, buddy.

And, uh, I have one more favor to ask.

Oh, you've got some big, hairy balls, baby.

[ Sighs ]

It's minor. I think you'll like it.

It would mean a lot to me

if we had one last family supper

that we all make together.

Kate, I haven't met Evan yet. I'd like you to bring him.

Sure. Should I tell him bring Monty?

No. No.

And, Marshall, I was thinking

you could be our chef de cuisine

and I could be your sous chef.

Yeah, that's an excellent idea,

seeing that less than 24 hours ago,

you punched me in the face.

Oh, God.

Look, Marsh... I know --

No, a-a dinner party sounds delightful.

It's exactly what this family needs.

Send me an invitation.

Oh.

Hey.

When you get to Boston,

forget all that world-famous clam chowder stuff.

There is a McDonald's near Faneuil Hall --

I'm not in the mood, buddy.

I just want to get through this week,

get her in the car, and get her to the doctor's.

I mean, this thing is... so much more complicated.

It's totally fucked.

And, uh, I'm just -- I'm barely hanging on.

That's why I brought this.

Remember when you said we should open this when we need it?

Well...

[ Cork pops ]

We really need it.

[ Chuckles ]

Whoo!

[ Strained ] Yeah. Ohh.

What happened to us?

By now, weren't we supposed to own

the world's first combination strip club and pancake house?

"Titcakes."

[ Laughs ]

I almost forgot about that.

Am I still Marshall's godfather?

No.

No, you lost godfather status

when you ate that plate of hash brownies

and stole my John Deere, tried to outrun the cops.

The fact that they were on foot

should've told me I wasn't going as fast as I thought I was.

[ Both chuckle ]

Listen, I've done a lot of growing up.

And Charmaine was telling me

that you guys don't know what to do about Marshall,

so...what I was thinking was...

He should move to Houston with us

and we could take care of him.

You know, at least until you guys get back.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Thank you.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Hey.

[ Clears throat ]

Any chance I can trick you into making

a batch of your famous blood-orange macaroons?

[ Sighs ]

Look, I know you're hurt, angry,

and -- and you have every right to be.

But I'm begging you -- please don't shut me out.

I'm not.

No, you are, and you probably should,

but I'm asking you not to,

'cause I'm going away for a while.

And I don't want you to forget

that even though we've had a tough go of it,

[ chuckling ] to say the least,

I can also be fun, loving, charming, quirky,

and full of surprises.

And I love my son.

Sorry. I didn't think you were gonna get that wet.

So...

I am putting you on notice, Marshall Gregson.

You may hate me now,

but I've got about 36 hours left,

and...

I'm gonna getcha.

[ Sighs ]

Neil: Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry -- Why are we doing this?

Because I'm trying to --

put the pancakes closer to your body.

Yes! [ Camera shutter clicks ]

Oh. Oh!

This is weird. I'm not doing this anymore.

You guys come up with the stupidest shit when you get drunk.

Wait, wait, wait. Unh-unh. You know what?

Not everything we do is gold,

but sometimes we hit the bull's-eye.

Like this -- I want Marshall to come with us to Houston

while Max is in Boston with Tara.

Was that your idea?

Yeah -- well, he's a good kid, you know?

And he's crazy about you.

And...I just think it'd be the right thing to do.

That's really sweet.

Mm.

But...You know, if we're gonna be taking care of Marshall,

maybe it'd be best for him if we didn't go to Houston

and we just stayed here.

What? No. We have to go to Houston.

I mean, I promised them I was coming.

Well, just tell them you changed your mind.

[ Laughing ] Why?!

Because Houston is a terrible place to live.

What -- says who?

One of my mommy friends knows somebody that moved to Houston.

A-and?

And I don't want you to end up eating your own legs.

What the fuck are you talking about?

The Mexican drug cartel.

Oh, my God. You're out of your fucking mind.

No!

Look -- hey, hey, we talked about this.

A decision was made, all right?

So this is a done deal, so strap on your six-guns

around those sexy little hips

'cause you are going to Houston, there, filly.

And these pancakes are comin' with me,

[ southern accent ] ya darn desert flower.

Ohh!

Kate: See, technically,

you're not helping mom -- you're helping me,

because I can't tell the difference

between a bulb of garlic and a shallot.

[ Gasps ] Ooh! What's this?

Uh, a cat turd.

Ugh!

Speaking of disgusting shit heaps,

what's this I'm hearing about you moving to Houston, pardner?

Yeah.

Well, are you okay with that?

I don't really care.

What difference does anything make at this point?

This is it, Moosh. It's all we got.

It's nothing to be sad or happy about.

It's just... It is what it is.

You know, I want to shoot myself in the head

when I think about mom trying to wipe away years and years

of pain and disappointment with a hug or a kiss

or a fucking family dinner.

Well, she doesn't know what else to do.

Here's the truth, Kate --

I don't have any room to give a shit.

I'm finding it hard to care about her.

You know, I was driving down Lowell Avenue the other day,

and -- and, uh, people are bringing flowers, mementos.

It's -- it's kind of... like a memorial.

It's really beautiful.

Do you think that maybe you would want to go or --

No.

Hey, Kate, Evan just got here. You better get in here.

Oh, shit. Is he -- Oh, they're eating him alive.

Ohh!

Why'd you get divorced? Did you leave her?

Were you just too young? Or did she leave you?

No, it was -- I mean, you know, we tried. Was someone cheating?

Is someone going to look for Kate? [ Gasps ] Was it you?

[ Gasps ] Answer the question!

Oh, Jesus!

Brain-hungry zombies are less aggressive! Back off!

We are so not done with you.

Well, seeing as though one of you crawled down his throat

and the other climbed up his ass,

I guess there's no need for introductions.

Okay, I am sorry about the inquisition,

but I am heading off to the loony bin.

Uh, yeah, I know.

And I want to make sure that my baby's gonna be okay.

Uh, yeah, of course.

I mean, you seem like a nice guy.

Hey, you want a beer?

But as a mom... Uh...

I'm gonna get you a beer.

...I need to know that my little girl's not gonna get hurt.

Okay, mom! Yeah.

Clearly, you have feelings for each other.

And I -- I mean, I would never -- but it's a tricky situation.

There's children involved, you live in different states.

I agree. That is -- let's be honest.

I mean, these long-distance things, they never really --

The whole thing would be solved if Kate moved to St. Louis.

What -- you want me to move to St. Louis?

Yeah.

Oh.

I-I mean, we don't have to move in together,

but just to be closer.

'Cause, I mean, that way...

Um, so, the loony bin, huh?

[ Chuckles softly ]

Yeah, it's shitty that we don't live in the same place,

but St. Louis?

Is that where we're at?

I don't know.

You look very happy together, and he seems like a nice guy.

You're an idiot

if you think I'm done raking him over the coals.

I will give you my final report at the end of the evening.

It's a dilemma.

I mean, by following our men all over the country,

are we, as women, just fucking feminism right up the butt?

And just like that,

the conversation is no longer about me.

Well, I'm sorry, Kate, but I have a baby now,

so I'm thinking for two.

Three, if you include Marshall.

You getting cold feet about the move?

I don't want to live in Texas.

Oh, God, it's a horrible state!

They are only famous for two things --

their stupid presidents and the people who kill them.

Fuck!

If Neil wants to move to Houston, he can go by himself.

All right, I know I'm the last person on earth

who has the right to comment on anyone's behavior right now,

but I don't have a ton of time left,

so I'm gonna do what a good sister should.

Can't you ever take my side?

You have spent your entire life

making one mystifying decision after the next,

from massage school to vita-self to Neil to Nick

to Neil to Nick to Neil to the baby?

And now, for the first time, you have someone in your life

who's devoted to you, who's taken the reins... I know.

And who wants to clean up your life.

So, yeah, because I love you, I am taking his side.

You said you were gonna go to Houston,

so just shut your mouth, grow the fuck up,

and quit acting like an asshole.

Ya dig?

Dug.

Oh, hey.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

You know, I was, uh, I was gonna tie up the, uh, turducken,

if you want to help.

Oh, why don't you just order domino's and be done with it?

I don't know if you've seen the commercials.

It tastes better lately.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Isn't this amazing?

Yeah, almost as amazing as this incredibly close

football game we're trying to watch.

I mean, what a family.

Do you like football, Evan?

I'm in awe. I love football.

Such courage.

God, if only we could hear the fucking game, you know?

I admire you, Max. Nothing to admire, buddy.

Of course there is.

With all the things that are going on around here,

all the stress and drama?

Hey, what can I tell you?

Well, you Gregsons never give in.

No matter what meshuggaas life is throwing your way,

you just keep on keepin' on.

I always think of this house like a giant lemonade machine.

The bigger the lemon --

Aah!

I'm sick of hearing your fucking voice!

[ Choking ]

...The bigger the glass of lemonade.

Announcer: Touchdown -- Nebraska!

Ooh! Touchdown!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

You okay?

Not really. Can we just --

Hey, Max, Max. Hey, buddy.

Hold that thought. Hold that thought.

Tell Kate the name of that club in Houston

that Beaverlamp played.

What was it called?

The Ida Leventhal Youth Center.

That's it. We had a great time.

Marshall is gonna love H-Town.

We-we've got the beaches, we got the rodeo,

we got the NASA space center.

Oh, well, that sound like our Moosh --

a sun-speckled, cow-punching astronaut.

Every displaced teen's dream.

[ Laughter ]

You're a good person, aren't you?

Mm, yeah.

You know, just want things to work out for everybody,

you know?

Evan: Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

Marshall: Oh, it's fine.

It's just, you know, Kate told me, and...

I know.

But I totally understand. You know, believe me.

It'll end, the grief.

Um, you know, 'cause, like, when my father died,

I felt nothing...

Which pretty much sums up

the way he felt about me my entire life.

But then, uh, about, I'd say like a month later,

I realized there was still all this, like, unresolved shit

between us, you know?

And it never got better until I figured out a way to say,

you know, like all the shit that -- that I couldn't say

when he was still alive.

I know you're right, but for whatever reason...

There's this memorial where, um, you know...

Yeah.

Everybody's been there, but...I can't.

You'll go when you're ready, you know?

The verdict is in.

I like him.

[ Singsong voice ] Me too.

Turducken! Turducken!

Almost as much fun to say as it is to eat!

[ Cheering ]

Tur...Duck...En!

Tara: Coming through! Coming through!

You want to carve it, honey? No, I --

Charmaine: Wait, Max, I want to take a picture.

This meal is amazing!

Neil: Who's gonna clean up all this shit?

I mean, these two are hitting the bricks tomorrow.

Oh! Did you remember to cancel the paper?

Oh, and -- and put a stop on the mail?

What are you doing about school?

Well, you'll be pleased to know

that even though I'll be missing a few weeks,

my grades are so good, this girl gets to graduate!

[ Cheering ]

Hey, toast! Toast!

Come on, toast, toast, toast!

Toast, toast! Toast, toast! Toast, toast!

Kate: The man of the hour!

What the fuck are we doing?!

We're having a goddamn party?!

While the universe is out there

dreaming up new and devious ways to fuck us over!

Look at this family!

My beautiful wife, who tries so hard to be a good person,

good to other people -- and my children,

who've never done fucking anything wrong to anybody --

never asked to be dragged into this!

God, did you put us down here

just so you could take a big fucking shit on our heads?!

Well, I want it to stop!

Whoever's up there listening, move on to somebody else!

'Cause it's not fucking funny!

It's not fucking fair!

And we deserve some fucking mercy!

Aaah!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Well... [ Clears throat ]

I can't think of a single thing that needs to be added to that.

Anyone else?

No.

Not a word.

Well put.

Ready to eat?

Yeah. Yeah, let's, uh, let's -- let's eat.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

You don't have to do that.

Yes, I do. [ Chuckles ]

I didn't mean to imply

that I could fix everything in one weekend

with one dinner.

I know it's gonna take time for us...

If ever.

It'll be what it's supposed to be.

I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight.

Oh, me neither.

You want to take a ride?

[ Engine shuts off ]

You want some time alone?

No.

[ Car doors close ]

There's so much that I never got to say.

So from now on, I'm not holding back.

If I have something to say to you, I'm gonna say it.

I'm okay with that.

[ Electric guitar plays blues music ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Dog barking ]

Oh, what is he doing?

[ Sighs ] He's had a tough go of it.

[ Chuckles ]

He can do whatever he wants.

Neil?

Yeah?

Will you marry me?

[ Exhales sharply ]

No.

See how that feels?

Sucks, doesn't it? Huh?

Yeah, I'll marry you.

You will? [ Laughs ]

Yes, I will.

[ Music, barking continue ]

So, let's talk St. Louis.

I think that I know what I want to do.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

I want to spend as much time with you as I possibly can.

[ Chuckles ]

This is all I want.

But right now, I think that I need to move back home

to look after my brother.

I just think that it's the right thing to do.

I love you.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Both laugh ]

[ Music continues ]

Hey! Gregson!

[ Music stops ] It's almost midnight! Just shut the hell up, would ya?

You shut the fuck up, McBurditt!

I don't remember anyone appointing you

king of this neighborhood,

you motherfucking piece of Bible-thumping shit!

Eat my sweaty balls, asshole!

Please...Continue.

[ Music resumes ]

[ Music continues ]

[ Music stops ]

[ Wheels fusses ]

You let me know how it goes.

I want to hear everything.

Sorry you're missing it.

There's nothing more romantic than municipal nuptials.

[ Laughs ]

I'll send you pictures of the new place.

I can't believe I'm doing this without you.

I don't know how you did anything with me.

[ Laughs ]

I love you.

I love you. [ Sniffles ]

[ Smooches ]

Kate, water 15th, power 20th.

I know. I got it. [ Sighs ]

Keep an eye on your brother.

[ Sighs ] I will.

When you get to Boston,

don't let 'em pull out all the good parts.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sniffles ]

You guys are my good parts.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, we better get going.

Yeah, it's time to bounce around in my head

[ laughing ] until I land in the banana factory.

[ Sobs ]

[ Supertramp's "The Logical Song" plays ]

♪ When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful ♪

♪ a miracle ♪

♪ oh, it was beautiful, magical ♪

♪ and all the birds in the trees ♪

Got everything?

♪ They'd be singing so happily ♪

[ Engine turns over ] ♪ oh, joyfully ♪

♪ oh, playfully watching me ♪

♪ but then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible ♪

♪ logical ♪

♪ oh, responsible, practical ♪

I went ahead and set the child locks on your door,

so you're gonna need me if you want to get out.

[ Chuckles ] Probably a good idea.

[ Sighs ] ♪ oh, intellectual, cynical ♪

♪ there are times when all the world's asleep ♪

♪ the questions run too deep ♪

[ Window whirring ]

♪ For such a simple ma-a-a-a-n ♪

♪ won't you please ♪

♪ please tell me what we've learned ♪

♪ I know it sounds absurd ♪

♪ but please tell me who I a-a-a-am ♪

♪ who I a-a-a-am ♪

♪ who I a-a-a-a-am ♪

♪ who I a-a-a-a-a-m ♪

Yeah!

Whoo!

Hey!

'Cause I was feeling so logical.

D-d-d-d-digital.

Yeah, one, two, three.

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