All language subtitles for United States of Tara s02e05 .eng
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1
00:00:02,087 --> 00:00:03,821
Hey, Marshall. You obviously
belong over here, babe.
2
00:00:04,822 --> 00:00:05,656
I'm straight, but not narrow.
3
00:00:06,157 --> 00:00:09,092
How is your beard,
anyway? You guys boning?
4
00:00:09,093 --> 00:00:10,160
I'm gay.
5
00:00:10,161 --> 00:00:11,728
Good.
6
00:00:11,729 --> 00:00:13,196
We've got some big news. We're pregnant!
7
00:00:13,197 --> 00:00:15,866
Do you think that Nick can tell
that I had a thing with Neil?
8
00:00:15,867 --> 00:00:18,535
Is that an engagement ring?
9
00:00:18,536 --> 00:00:21,338
This is my big fish... Lynda P. Frazier.
10
00:00:21,339 --> 00:00:23,774
Your check bounced. You owe me money.
11
00:00:23,775 --> 00:00:25,342
Who is that?
12
00:00:25,343 --> 00:00:27,611
Princess Valhalla Hawkwind.
13
00:00:27,612 --> 00:00:29,179
Let's make a movie.
14
00:00:29,180 --> 00:00:30,847
I thought that you were her.
15
00:00:30,848 --> 00:00:33,450
Well, I'll always be her.
16
00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:34,484
What do you want?!
17
00:00:34,485 --> 00:00:36,219
I need the body!
18
00:00:37,388 --> 00:00:39,056
Oh, baby.
19
00:00:39,057 --> 00:00:40,524
Oh, baby.
20
00:00:40,525 --> 00:00:42,159
And I thought I was better!
21
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:43,660
I just can't bring myself to tell him
22
00:00:43,661 --> 00:00:44,995
I'm transitioning again.
23
00:00:44,996 --> 00:00:47,164
Buck, I love you.
24
00:00:47,165 --> 00:00:48,865
I love you.
25
00:00:48,866 --> 00:00:50,100
Sully!
26
00:00:50,101 --> 00:00:53,070
Give me my money back. That's all I want.
27
00:00:53,071 --> 00:00:54,504
Relax, will you?
28
00:00:56,808 --> 00:00:59,676
Tara, what have you done with your poncho?
29
00:00:59,677 --> 00:01:01,011
I don't know, Mimi.
30
00:01:01,012 --> 00:01:03,413
Written by my old therapist.
31
00:01:03,414 --> 00:01:06,917
Oh, the much-lauded
Shoshana Schoenbaum, huh?
32
00:01:06,918 --> 00:01:09,319
It's simple stuff, but
she's very down-to-earth.
33
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,021
Till you find the right doctor.
34
00:01:11,022 --> 00:01:12,189
I found somebody.
35
00:01:12,190 --> 00:01:13,590
She's in new York city?
36
00:01:13,591 --> 00:01:15,325
Excuse me? Do you mind?
37
00:01:15,326 --> 00:01:17,327
I'm finishing up a session.
38
00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:19,129
Hold on, Dolores.
39
00:01:19,130 --> 00:01:20,731
Can I help you?
40
00:01:20,732 --> 00:01:29,532
Sync by honeybunny - corrected by chamallow35
www.Addic7ed.Com
41
00:02:19,190 --> 00:02:21,191
Honey, I'm gonna have to call you back.
42
00:02:21,192 --> 00:02:23,093
Oh, no. No, no, no.
43
00:02:23,094 --> 00:02:25,228
I'm sorry. I have several clients today.
44
00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:26,863
I can't just take a walk-in.
45
00:02:26,864 --> 00:02:29,566
Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
46
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:31,634
No, no, no, no, no. Fuck, no.
47
00:02:31,635 --> 00:02:32,969
Wait.
48
00:02:32,970 --> 00:02:34,471
You're Max, aren't you?
49
00:02:34,472 --> 00:02:36,573
Fantastic.
50
00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:38,141
So pleased to finally meet you.
51
00:02:38,142 --> 00:02:39,642
I've heard so much from Tara.
52
00:02:39,643 --> 00:02:41,044
Maybe I can squeeze you in.
53
00:02:41,045 --> 00:02:42,746
Ohhhh, fuck.
54
00:02:42,747 --> 00:02:44,547
Okay, who are you?
55
00:02:45,048 --> 00:02:48,784
I'm Shoshana Schoenbaum...
Tara's new therapist.
56
00:02:48,785 --> 00:02:51,087
Don't do this to me, God damn it!
57
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,088
Please!
58
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:55,992
Max, I can see how angry you are.
59
00:02:55,993 --> 00:02:57,994
Let's slow it down a bit.
60
00:02:57,995 --> 00:03:00,162
Let's do an exercise.
61
00:03:00,163 --> 00:03:04,634
I want you to express
your feelings to Tara.
62
00:03:04,635 --> 00:03:07,937
This chair here... this is Tara.
63
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,706
Talk to the chair like it's Tara.
64
00:03:12,276 --> 00:03:14,710
Oh, Tara. Are you insane?
65
00:03:14,711 --> 00:03:17,413
No? Not the chair? You
want... You want me to be Tara?
66
00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:20,583
Okay, fine. I'll be Tara.
67
00:03:22,319 --> 00:03:23,319
Go on.
68
00:03:27,157 --> 00:03:29,792
I don't even feel sick... just...
69
00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:32,094
So, so tired, you know?
70
00:03:32,095 --> 00:03:34,096
Like, prison-camp tired.
71
00:03:37,768 --> 00:03:39,669
I don't see anything.
72
00:03:39,670 --> 00:03:41,571
Nothing to see.
73
00:03:41,572 --> 00:03:43,406
What do you mean?
74
00:03:43,407 --> 00:03:46,809
You're not two months pregnant.
75
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:50,647
Well, we did four
accu-clears and an E.P.T.
76
00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:52,048
According to your HCG levels,
77
00:03:52,049 --> 00:03:54,117
you're only about three to four weeks in.
78
00:03:54,118 --> 00:03:57,120
Too early for an external exam.
79
00:03:57,121 --> 00:04:00,390
But my fiancé wasn't even in town then.
80
00:04:00,391 --> 00:04:03,293
We're gonna need to do an internal.
81
00:04:06,430 --> 00:04:10,300
And they're having a total emotional
meltdown, so what do they do?
82
00:04:10,301 --> 00:04:14,304
They put me on lockdown, so they can...
quote, unquote... "Be in control."
83
00:04:14,305 --> 00:04:16,139
Supreme bullshit.
84
00:04:17,441 --> 00:04:21,311
I read that smoking weed too early
in the day can give you meningitis.
85
00:04:21,312 --> 00:04:23,546
This is kryptonite. It's from California.
86
00:04:23,547 --> 00:04:25,615
Makes your eyelashes thirsty.
87
00:04:25,616 --> 00:04:27,750
Is the video done loading yet?
88
00:04:28,819 --> 00:04:30,420
Yes! Whoo.
89
00:04:32,990 --> 00:04:35,024
♪ I'm leaving today ♪
90
00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:36,493
Wow.
91
00:04:36,494 --> 00:04:39,162
That horse looks completely fake.
92
00:04:39,163 --> 00:04:41,164
On purpose! It's a comment.
93
00:04:41,165 --> 00:04:42,999
On what?
94
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:47,504
On... the testosterone-fueled
fantasy genre.
95
00:04:47,505 --> 00:04:52,208
Totally subverting... the hero archetype.
96
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,978
Valhalla is postfeminist.
97
00:04:54,979 --> 00:04:57,814
Do you even know what that means?
98
00:04:57,815 --> 00:04:59,649
No, not really.
99
00:05:01,485 --> 00:05:02,986
Tell me true, Moosh...
100
00:05:02,987 --> 00:05:05,355
Are you or are you not a homo?
101
00:05:05,356 --> 00:05:08,324
That term is a little onerous, but yes.
102
00:05:08,325 --> 00:05:09,893
It's official.
103
00:05:09,894 --> 00:05:13,029
Then why are you wasting
your time with jungle snatch?
104
00:05:13,030 --> 00:05:14,931
Chuck her, dude.
105
00:05:17,001 --> 00:05:20,270
Good, Max. Deep breaths.
106
00:05:20,271 --> 00:05:23,773
Now, I understand Tara tried to discuss
107
00:05:23,774 --> 00:05:27,076
her alter's recent... transgression,
108
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:29,646
but you put the kibosh
on the conversation.
109
00:05:29,647 --> 00:05:31,214
Talk to me.
110
00:05:34,018 --> 00:05:35,685
This is too much.
111
00:05:35,686 --> 00:05:38,021
Max, listen.
112
00:05:38,022 --> 00:05:41,858
Tara may have her problems,
but it takes two to tango.
113
00:05:41,859 --> 00:05:43,960
You need to look at you.
114
00:05:43,961 --> 00:05:48,565
In this world, there are
givers and there are getters.
115
00:05:48,566 --> 00:05:51,134
And my real feeling here
is that you need to explore
116
00:05:51,135 --> 00:05:53,703
becoming more of a getter
if you want to get better.
117
00:05:53,704 --> 00:05:56,940
No real doctor would give rhyming advice.
118
00:05:56,941 --> 00:05:58,308
I'm...
119
00:05:58,309 --> 00:06:00,643
What the fuck am I talking
about? You're not a doctor.
120
00:06:00,644 --> 00:06:03,913
Look, i... if you see Tara, you tell
her to pack a bag for the hospital.
121
00:06:03,914 --> 00:06:06,649
I'm making a long-overdue phone call.
122
00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:11,154
What is this?
123
00:06:11,155 --> 00:06:12,755
Sir, please remain calm.
124
00:06:12,756 --> 00:06:14,724
I don't understand.
125
00:06:14,725 --> 00:06:15,925
Sir...
126
00:06:15,926 --> 00:06:17,060
It doesn't make any sense to me.
127
00:06:17,061 --> 00:06:18,528
If you'll just remain calm.
128
00:06:18,529 --> 00:06:20,096
Cops. Cops!
129
00:06:20,097 --> 00:06:21,097
Shit!
130
00:06:21,098 --> 00:06:22,198
Shit!
131
00:06:24,235 --> 00:06:25,301
Oh, shit.
132
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:26,302
Get it!
133
00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:27,570
Go! Go! Go! Go! Heart attack...
134
00:06:27,571 --> 00:06:29,973
Bona fide... Ugh!
135
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,474
Who called the fucking cops?
136
00:06:34,211 --> 00:06:35,378
You have the right to remain silent.
137
00:06:35,379 --> 00:06:36,512
Dad? What the fuck?
138
00:06:36,513 --> 00:06:39,015
Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.
139
00:06:39,016 --> 00:06:40,116
It's okay, kids. Go back inside.
140
00:06:40,117 --> 00:06:41,017
What is happening?
141
00:06:41,018 --> 00:06:42,151
Is this your wife, sir?
142
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,319
Who knows?
143
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,821
Yes, I am.
144
00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:47,257
Uh, well, we have a warrant
for your husband's arrest
145
00:06:47,258 --> 00:06:48,958
for aggravated assault and battery.
146
00:06:48,959 --> 00:06:50,727
We're gonna be taking
him to Johnson County,
147
00:06:50,728 --> 00:06:53,396
about 20 minutes away, in Olathe.
148
00:06:53,397 --> 00:06:55,031
What the hell is going on?
149
00:06:55,032 --> 00:06:56,232
I'll explain later.
150
00:06:56,233 --> 00:06:58,401
C... can you hang with
the kids a couple hours?
151
00:06:58,402 --> 00:06:59,869
Sure. No problem.
152
00:06:59,870 --> 00:07:01,437
And you two, don't
worry. We'll be back soon.
153
00:07:01,438 --> 00:07:03,072
And, Kate, you're still grounded.
154
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,080
Okay.
155
00:07:11,081 --> 00:07:13,750
Who wants pancakes?
156
00:07:15,085 --> 00:07:16,986
Like, with his fists?
157
00:07:16,987 --> 00:07:19,489
Like, blam, blam, bloody knuckles?
158
00:07:19,490 --> 00:07:21,257
He didn't say.
159
00:07:21,258 --> 00:07:25,561
Got him arrested, so it
must have been pretty jacked.
160
00:07:25,562 --> 00:07:28,698
Wait.
161
00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:32,568
Why does Mrs. Butterworth
need to be black?
162
00:07:32,569 --> 00:07:34,671
And aunt Jemima, too.
163
00:07:34,672 --> 00:07:38,007
That's some fucked-up
racist pancake shit.
164
00:07:38,008 --> 00:07:41,344
Mrs. Butterworth isn't black.
She's just filled with syrup.
165
00:07:41,345 --> 00:07:43,413
I mean, technically, she's clear.
166
00:07:43,414 --> 00:07:45,181
Huh.
167
00:07:45,182 --> 00:07:48,051
She's a clear-casian.
168
00:07:49,753 --> 00:07:51,854
Come on, you guys, your
dad's in fucking jail,
169
00:07:51,855 --> 00:07:54,324
probably getting things
put up his booty right now.
170
00:07:54,325 --> 00:07:56,526
Oh, I'm sorry, Marshall.
171
00:07:56,527 --> 00:07:59,395
I... I know that man-sex is
great when it's consensual.
172
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,631
We're not laughing because it's funny.
173
00:08:01,632 --> 00:08:04,167
We're laughing to keep
from blowing our brains out.
174
00:08:04,168 --> 00:08:06,302
Yeah, you seem really broken up about it.
175
00:08:11,375 --> 00:08:13,343
We thought mom was totally better.
176
00:08:13,344 --> 00:08:14,844
I mean, she...
177
00:08:14,845 --> 00:08:18,781
Okay, "a"... mom's alter
has a lesbyterian gal-pal.
178
00:08:18,782 --> 00:08:21,951
"B"... dad has psycho renovation rage.
179
00:08:21,952 --> 00:08:24,954
"C"... you're practically
an unwed teen mother.
180
00:08:24,955 --> 00:08:26,356
Shut up.
181
00:08:26,357 --> 00:08:28,958
And "d"... Marshall's
bangin' bitches, so...
182
00:08:28,959 --> 00:08:30,059
Nice, Kate.
183
00:08:30,060 --> 00:08:31,060
Right?
184
00:08:31,061 --> 00:08:33,062
So...
185
00:08:33,063 --> 00:08:36,899
as a family...
186
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:40,670
we're completely... fucked.
187
00:08:46,543 --> 00:08:47,510
Do you think...
188
00:08:47,511 --> 00:08:49,512
Do you think...
189
00:08:49,513 --> 00:08:52,014
Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben are married?
190
00:08:55,085 --> 00:08:57,053
No.
191
00:08:57,054 --> 00:09:00,456
Aunt Jemima is married to uncle Jemima.
192
00:09:03,527 --> 00:09:06,462
Husband with a criminal record.
193
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:09,899
Jesus. What is going on with you, Max?
194
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:12,735
Sweetie, your windows are filthy.
195
00:09:19,343 --> 00:09:20,910
Wonderful.
196
00:09:20,911 --> 00:09:22,845
Now I've got tab on my dress.
197
00:09:22,846 --> 00:09:24,947
Fuck.
198
00:09:28,852 --> 00:09:31,821
Hey, Tara's voicemail.
It's your husband... Max.
199
00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:33,589
From jail.
200
00:09:39,029 --> 00:09:41,464
Now, slow down, Tara.
201
00:09:41,465 --> 00:09:42,598
Who are you calling?
202
00:09:42,599 --> 00:09:43,766
Triple "a."
203
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,701
Honey, settle.
204
00:09:45,702 --> 00:09:48,237
Let's think a moment.
205
00:09:48,238 --> 00:09:50,072
Now.
206
00:09:50,073 --> 00:09:52,074
Why are we in this predicament?
207
00:09:52,075 --> 00:09:55,912
Because I drove my car off the road.
208
00:09:55,913 --> 00:09:57,313
Okay. Yes.
209
00:09:57,314 --> 00:10:01,150
And how often do you find yourself
driving your car off the road?
210
00:10:01,151 --> 00:10:02,285
Never!
211
00:10:02,286 --> 00:10:03,786
Exactly.
212
00:10:03,787 --> 00:10:05,855
You had a very simple mission...
213
00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:10,226
To drive 20 short miles to rescue
your husband from the clutches of doom.
214
00:10:10,227 --> 00:10:14,063
As, I might add, he's
done so many times for you.
215
00:10:14,064 --> 00:10:17,800
So you tell me... why?
216
00:10:19,803 --> 00:10:22,772
To avoid bailing Max out of jail?
217
00:10:22,773 --> 00:10:26,075
Because... he was gonna commit me?
218
00:10:26,076 --> 00:10:28,177
Okay. Sure.
219
00:10:28,178 --> 00:10:29,745
But what else?
220
00:10:29,746 --> 00:10:33,282
Because I want to figure stuff
out before I see him again.
221
00:10:33,283 --> 00:10:35,451
Yes, Tara. Good. Bravo.
222
00:10:35,452 --> 00:10:38,621
You are so much more
insightful than you believe.
223
00:10:38,622 --> 00:10:40,590
Am I?
224
00:10:40,591 --> 00:10:43,326
You don't give yourself
nearly enough credit.
225
00:10:43,327 --> 00:10:46,062
Self-esteem issues...
a whole other megillah.
226
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:47,797
We'll get to that.
227
00:10:47,798 --> 00:10:52,268
But for now, I want to talk to
you about those two little girls...
228
00:10:52,269 --> 00:10:55,571
The girls you saw in the hallway.
229
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,640
You got enough time for all that?
230
00:10:57,641 --> 00:10:59,108
You know what I'm gonna do?
231
00:10:59,109 --> 00:11:02,311
I'm gonna cancel all my
appointments for the rest of the day.
232
00:11:02,312 --> 00:11:06,048
I want to give you all the time you need.
233
00:11:06,049 --> 00:11:07,717
Okay?
234
00:11:19,029 --> 00:11:22,365
I always... pictured
this place grungier...
235
00:11:22,366 --> 00:11:25,635
Full of angry drunks and aging hookers.
236
00:11:25,636 --> 00:11:26,969
What are you in for?
237
00:11:39,883 --> 00:11:40,850
Okay.
238
00:11:40,851 --> 00:11:42,184
Okay.
239
00:11:42,185 --> 00:11:44,954
Here's what I've collected
for our literary journal
240
00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:48,457
the past couple of weeks, and
here's the table of contents.
241
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:49,825
Impressive.
242
00:11:49,826 --> 00:11:51,027
Thanks!
243
00:11:51,028 --> 00:11:52,862
Okay, so I was thinking of, like,
244
00:11:52,863 --> 00:11:57,700
a ghosted image beneath the list
of names, like a bulging eyeball.
245
00:11:57,701 --> 00:11:59,468
Uh... sounds great.
246
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:04,206
What should we do with Zach's
"frigid mother, dead universe" piece?
247
00:12:04,207 --> 00:12:06,309
Back page.
248
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:08,311
I love this, Marshy.
249
00:12:08,312 --> 00:12:12,348
I love how it doesn't scream
"pretentious high-school zine."
250
00:12:12,349 --> 00:12:15,551
It's a unique animal.
251
00:12:15,552 --> 00:12:16,619
Like us.
252
00:12:17,854 --> 00:12:20,122
M... my, uh...
253
00:12:20,123 --> 00:12:22,458
my sister thinks we should break up.
254
00:12:22,459 --> 00:12:25,227
Of course she does. She's
lonely and unevolved.
255
00:12:25,228 --> 00:12:26,429
I'd be envious, too.
256
00:12:27,731 --> 00:12:29,332
Courtney...
257
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:33,669
I just feel like I might need
some, uh... space, you know?
258
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It's not about who you are.
259
00:12:36,740 --> 00:12:38,708
It's about where I am in my...
260
00:12:40,811 --> 00:12:43,946
No, Court, don't do that.
261
00:12:45,215 --> 00:12:47,383
Okay.
262
00:12:47,384 --> 00:12:49,619
Sorry, Marshy.
263
00:12:52,556 --> 00:12:54,824
Just kidding.
264
00:12:59,663 --> 00:13:02,231
Hi. I'm, uh, I'm here for Max Gregson.
265
00:13:02,232 --> 00:13:04,734
Yeah, he left about half an hour ago.
266
00:13:04,735 --> 00:13:06,535
He left?
267
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:09,405
Honey, you need to check your messages.
268
00:13:10,841 --> 00:13:12,341
He wasn't very happy.
269
00:13:16,446 --> 00:13:19,281
Uh-huh. Okay.
270
00:13:19,282 --> 00:13:22,585
No, that's fine. I'll...
I'll see you at home.
271
00:13:22,586 --> 00:13:25,187
That was Tara. She just
got to the jail now.
272
00:13:25,188 --> 00:13:26,555
Mm.
273
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:28,758
Had a minor accident...
hit a pothole or something.
274
00:13:28,759 --> 00:13:30,459
I don't know. She's... she's okay.
275
00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:31,727
That explains it.
276
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,763
Doesn't explain why it took
her three hours to call me,
277
00:13:33,764 --> 00:13:35,765
but what are you gonna do?
278
00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:40,836
Max, how long have we known each other?
279
00:13:42,539 --> 00:13:44,540
80 years?
280
00:13:46,109 --> 00:13:50,312
Not once have I ever seen
you raise your fist to anyone.
281
00:13:50,313 --> 00:13:51,814
All right?
282
00:13:51,815 --> 00:13:53,082
I mean...
283
00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:56,052
I... I mean, remember
"Bridget Jones's diary"?
284
00:13:56,053 --> 00:13:58,387
Renée Zellweger finds the naked chick
285
00:13:58,388 --> 00:14:00,122
in Hugh Grant's bathroom?
286
00:14:00,123 --> 00:14:01,590
What?
287
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:03,325
She freaks. She dumps him.
288
00:14:03,326 --> 00:14:05,394
She... she quits her job, right?
289
00:14:05,395 --> 00:14:07,496
But you can't do that.
290
00:14:07,497 --> 00:14:09,498
I mean, y... your anger
has to go somewhere else,
291
00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:12,902
because you can't stick it
in the one place it belongs.
292
00:14:18,375 --> 00:14:20,509
I told her to get a new therapist or else.
293
00:14:20,510 --> 00:14:22,111
Great.
294
00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,746
And?
295
00:14:23,747 --> 00:14:26,882
Well, she did.
296
00:14:26,883 --> 00:14:29,085
Except it's her.
297
00:14:29,086 --> 00:14:30,753
She's her own therapist.
298
00:14:32,322 --> 00:14:33,923
Uh, I don't... I don't get it.
299
00:14:33,924 --> 00:14:37,493
It's a new alter, Neil...
a fucking therapist alter.
300
00:14:37,494 --> 00:14:38,994
Jesus, Mary, and donkey.
301
00:14:38,995 --> 00:14:40,696
Mm! Nurse!
302
00:14:40,697 --> 00:14:42,698
Can we get two Jim Beams here?
303
00:14:44,768 --> 00:14:46,102
No problem.
304
00:14:49,673 --> 00:14:54,543
"Your love is like a scorched
carpet in the brothel of my mind."
305
00:14:54,544 --> 00:14:57,046
This literary journal is a nightmare.
306
00:14:57,047 --> 00:15:00,249
By "literary journal," do
you mean "relationship"?
307
00:15:00,250 --> 00:15:01,383
Courtney says...
308
00:15:01,384 --> 00:15:02,718
"Courtney says."
309
00:15:02,719 --> 00:15:04,053
What?
310
00:15:04,054 --> 00:15:05,554
You can be bi if you want,
311
00:15:05,555 --> 00:15:07,823
but you don't have to
get with every female
312
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,792
who crushes on you, Marshall.
313
00:15:09,793 --> 00:15:11,961
It's called "chemistry."
314
00:15:11,962 --> 00:15:14,263
Madonna's biceps make me nervous.
315
00:15:14,264 --> 00:15:16,332
Looky. It's getting out of hand.
316
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:19,168
I saw. Marshall showed me.
317
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:20,336
Oh, my God.
318
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:24,173
251,642 hits?
319
00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:26,942
You're a national treasure.
320
00:15:26,943 --> 00:15:28,110
I know.
321
00:15:28,111 --> 00:15:30,479
"You move like a retarded baby.
322
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,515
Do something cool, like suck a dick"?
323
00:15:32,516 --> 00:15:34,617
There's better ones.
324
00:15:34,618 --> 00:15:36,986
"She look like my camp
friend who I made out wit."
325
00:15:36,987 --> 00:15:39,755
Why can't these people spell?
326
00:15:40,957 --> 00:15:42,558
Hey, so, I saw your girlfriend earlier.
327
00:15:42,559 --> 00:15:44,493
Did you kick her like a meth habit?
328
00:15:45,629 --> 00:15:48,297
It... didn't really take.
329
00:15:48,298 --> 00:15:50,199
Why isn't Lynda calling me back?
330
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,567
You think she's jealous?
331
00:15:51,568 --> 00:15:53,335
Of what... your online-stalker mob?
332
00:15:53,336 --> 00:15:54,970
No, maybe... maybe she thinks
333
00:15:54,971 --> 00:15:56,906
that I'm trying to steal her thunder.
334
00:15:56,907 --> 00:15:59,642
Or maybe she thinks that I'm
just, like, some loser idiot kid.
335
00:15:59,643 --> 00:16:02,211
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She hates me!
336
00:16:05,515 --> 00:16:08,384
I thought you said your mom was psycho.
337
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,386
Mm!
338
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:14,623
Well, my blood-alcohol content
is just beneath the legal limit.
339
00:16:14,624 --> 00:16:16,091
Why don't you go ahead?
340
00:16:16,092 --> 00:16:18,694
I'm, uh, gonna use the little boys' room.
341
00:16:18,695 --> 00:16:20,362
Okay.
342
00:16:25,669 --> 00:16:26,635
Hey.
343
00:16:26,636 --> 00:16:28,204
Hey.
344
00:16:28,205 --> 00:16:31,507
You know that little thing
that you had with my wife...
345
00:16:31,508 --> 00:16:33,742
I don't... I don't know your wife.
346
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,745
I have a thing for Buck.
347
00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,747
Right, right.
348
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:39,748
Buck.
349
00:16:41,151 --> 00:16:45,921
Anyway, Tara feels real bad about
what happened between you two.
350
00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:49,158
Her disease gets her into
some hot water now and then.
351
00:16:49,159 --> 00:16:50,426
Never a dull moment.
352
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:53,762
Anyhoo...
353
00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:58,634
I just want to thank you for not taking
advantage of her in her fragile state.
354
00:17:00,203 --> 00:17:01,670
What is this?
355
00:17:01,671 --> 00:17:03,639
Consider that a tip.
356
00:17:04,741 --> 00:17:06,742
Your wife...
357
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:11,814
she tastes like rain.
358
00:17:11,815 --> 00:17:15,150
Sometimes kiwi fruit.
359
00:17:15,151 --> 00:17:18,554
And once, she tasted like a penny.
360
00:17:27,998 --> 00:17:29,531
Hey.
361
00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:31,667
Where's Max?
362
00:17:31,668 --> 00:17:34,703
Neil picked him up.
363
00:17:34,704 --> 00:17:37,806
I, uh...
364
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:40,109
Drove my car into a sign.
365
00:17:40,110 --> 00:17:42,444
Shit! Are you okay?
366
00:17:42,445 --> 00:17:44,380
I'm fine. Small sign.
367
00:17:46,216 --> 00:17:49,952
God. The drama around here.
368
00:17:49,953 --> 00:17:53,489
All this anxiety is bad for my embryo.
369
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:54,590
Oh.
370
00:17:54,591 --> 00:17:56,191
By the way,
371
00:17:56,192 --> 00:17:59,061
I found out the baby's... not Nick's.
372
00:17:59,062 --> 00:18:00,562
It's Neil's.
373
00:18:00,563 --> 00:18:02,531
- What?
- Yup.
374
00:18:02,532 --> 00:18:06,168
Fuckin' load of poop.
375
00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:08,570
Thought you were revirginating.
376
00:18:08,571 --> 00:18:10,372
With Nick.
377
00:18:11,808 --> 00:18:15,577
Oh, I just... I love Neil's
weird, sweet little body.
378
00:18:15,578 --> 00:18:19,682
He's got this patch of
fuzz on his lower back,
379
00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:21,717
right above his ass crack.
380
00:18:21,718 --> 00:18:23,052
I named it Sophie.
381
00:18:23,053 --> 00:18:25,754
Ew! Stop it!
382
00:18:25,755 --> 00:18:27,289
When did you even see him?
383
00:18:27,290 --> 00:18:29,491
Here and there.
384
00:18:29,492 --> 00:18:31,327
I couldn't stay away from him.
385
00:18:32,629 --> 00:18:34,430
You know what it is?
386
00:18:34,431 --> 00:18:36,999
I want my wedding pictures with Nick,
387
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,635
but I want my wedding night with Neil.
388
00:18:42,272 --> 00:18:45,207
You know, I could marry
Nick and have Neil's baby,
389
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:47,209
and no one would even find out.
390
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:51,814
You could, but the kid could
come out looking like a tiny Neil.
391
00:18:51,815 --> 00:18:53,816
Mm.
392
00:18:53,817 --> 00:18:56,919
With a little rectangular mozzarella body.
393
00:18:59,289 --> 00:19:02,057
And an adorable underbite.
394
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:06,095
And a genius for doing
cartoon voices during sex.
395
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,068
Wow.
396
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:15,237
It's really fucked-up.
397
00:19:21,544 --> 00:19:24,413
Charm, can I ask you something?
398
00:19:25,882 --> 00:19:27,916
Do you remember someone named Mimi?
399
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:31,887
No. Why?
400
00:19:31,888 --> 00:19:36,558
I have this memory of you and
me and this woman named Mimi.
401
00:19:36,559 --> 00:19:38,327
Nope.
402
00:19:38,328 --> 00:19:42,264
Doesn't even sound familiar...
Like a babysitter or something?
403
00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:43,265
Mimi? No.
404
00:19:44,601 --> 00:19:46,368
Oh, shit. Neil's here.
405
00:19:46,369 --> 00:19:48,771
All right, I'm not gonna tell
him the baby's his yet, okay?
406
00:20:07,157 --> 00:20:09,558
God, I hate when they fight.
407
00:20:09,559 --> 00:20:12,061
It makes me feel like an orphan.
408
00:20:12,062 --> 00:20:13,362
See?
409
00:20:13,363 --> 00:20:16,565
Sex screws up everything.
It makes people cruel.
410
00:20:16,566 --> 00:20:20,102
Take sex out of the equation,
and no one gets hurt.
411
00:20:20,103 --> 00:20:22,438
I haven't really figured out
what the big deal is about it.
412
00:20:22,439 --> 00:20:26,942
I mean, I think it's fun, but
I don't know if it's fun fun.
413
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:29,778
I'm afraid that if Courtney knows
414
00:20:29,779 --> 00:20:32,714
that I don't want to have sex
with her, she'll be traumatized.
415
00:20:32,715 --> 00:20:35,451
And split into 17 billion people?
416
00:20:35,452 --> 00:20:37,453
Like, what if I'm pathologically unable
417
00:20:37,454 --> 00:20:38,954
to let anyone down forever?
418
00:20:38,955 --> 00:20:39,955
I mean, what if...
419
00:20:41,691 --> 00:20:44,393
Yo, woman! 'Sup?
420
00:20:44,394 --> 00:20:45,694
Oh, no. No worries.
421
00:20:45,695 --> 00:20:47,563
I'm just chillin' with my little bro.
422
00:20:47,564 --> 00:20:49,164
She lost her charger.
423
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,633
So, did you see?
424
00:20:51,634 --> 00:20:53,068
I know!
425
00:20:53,069 --> 00:20:55,003
You know, people who knew about you
426
00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:56,939
used to ask me how we made it work,
427
00:20:56,940 --> 00:21:00,008
and I'd say, "well, we're
fucking crazy in love."
428
00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:05,047
And it was working, Tara... for 17 years.
429
00:21:05,048 --> 00:21:07,783
But it's not fucking working anymore.
430
00:21:10,620 --> 00:21:15,057
I know it sounds insane, but I've
been seeing therapists for decades,
431
00:21:15,058 --> 00:21:17,559
and not one of them has ever given me
432
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,561
even a fraction of the insight she has.
433
00:21:19,562 --> 00:21:21,029
Tara, listen to me.
434
00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:23,532
She is not real!
435
00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:27,136
If the measure of being real is that
she helps me figure things out...
436
00:21:27,137 --> 00:21:28,737
Oh!
437
00:21:28,738 --> 00:21:31,673
That I can't unpack on
my own, then she is real.
438
00:21:31,674 --> 00:21:33,108
Unpack what things?
439
00:21:33,109 --> 00:21:35,444
Well, it's still foggy, but I'm...
440
00:21:35,445 --> 00:21:39,248
I'm having memories, after
a lifetime of nothing.
441
00:21:39,249 --> 00:21:41,683
Can you believe that?
442
00:21:41,684 --> 00:21:44,319
And Shoshana thinks it's
the... the Hubbard house
443
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,788
that's bringing this
up and making it happen.
444
00:21:46,789 --> 00:21:49,258
Oh, it's the Hubbard house. That's rich.
445
00:21:49,259 --> 00:21:50,592
Why the Hubbard house?
446
00:21:50,593 --> 00:21:52,361
We don't know yet.
447
00:21:52,362 --> 00:21:53,662
Yeah.
448
00:21:53,663 --> 00:21:56,865
She's had some pretty interesting
things to say about you, too.
449
00:21:56,866 --> 00:21:58,667
Oh, yeah? Like what?
450
00:22:00,336 --> 00:22:04,273
She said that you need me to be sick.
451
00:22:04,274 --> 00:22:07,242
Because it's the only fucking
thing holding us together.
452
00:23:18,681 --> 00:23:21,483
I knew you'd be back.
453
00:23:21,484 --> 00:23:22,684
But listen.
454
00:23:22,685 --> 00:23:24,486
I can't be your therapist.
455
00:23:24,487 --> 00:23:27,489
My professional code of ethics dictates...
456
00:23:27,490 --> 00:23:29,858
I don't want a therapist.
457
00:23:29,859 --> 00:23:31,627
I just...
458
00:23:31,628 --> 00:23:34,263
Tara doesn't know I'm here, does she?
459
00:23:34,264 --> 00:23:37,499
I can... trust you not to tell her?
460
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,334
I'm a professional, Max.
461
00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:41,837
I don't take this role lightly.
462
00:23:41,838 --> 00:23:47,075
If I were to violate a confidence,
well, I'd lose my self-respect.
463
00:23:47,076 --> 00:23:49,544
Not to mention my license.
464
00:23:49,545 --> 00:23:51,346
Okay.
465
00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:53,849
I just want someone who will listen.
466
00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:55,984
Mm-hmm.
467
00:24:17,109 --> 00:24:27,111
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