Original subtitles

I've had this hairstyle for so long

Do you think it makes me look old?

Oh no, sweetie.

It just makes you look like you have been alive a long time.

Hey, give me my phone back, give it back to me

- Not giving it to you. - Give it to me!

- Give it back to me. - No!

Hey!

Danny deleted Scandal before I had a chance to watch it.

Gonna teach him about touching other people's stuff.

I stole his phone. I think I'll start by writing this girl

named hot Julie. Can't make it tonight and you should get tested.

OK, you know what? Two can play that game.

Okay? Haha! Ha, ha... OK, all right.

And texting your mom. Finally realized I'm gay.

Making love to Brett as we speak.

Oh, Oh, she responded: "we always knew, say hi to Brett."

Oh, well guess what?! How about this? I'm going to tweet all your followers.

"Help, I'm lonely...

Please call me at 313-525-2014."

What? No, come on! Why did you do that? I hate that.

Now everyone is going to be able to uh, call me at 313-525-2014.

Hahahaha! Also, I just accepted your Aunt Patty's request to play "Candy Crush."

No! Come on, she's divorced and lonely! Give it back to me alright look.

I deleted scandal by accident. Okay? The DVR queue was full because I've been

catching up on all old shows that I wanted to watch. Okay?

I have been watching "Game of Thrones".

Side note, they should rename that show to: "Uh, wait, who's that guy, again?"

I love "Game of Thrones." You know, the books are so different to the TV show.

You're British, you know how to read.

Dude, stop ruining it for me OK? I hate spoilers.

Really? I love spoilers. I always want to know exactly what's going to happen.

Yeah, but then you miss all

the big surprise twisty endings.

Yeah, I've had enough of those in my life.

I can still hear my mom now. "Surprise: I lost my job...

Surprise: We're homeless. Surprise: It's your birthday,

I got you a pet Guinea pig. Oh wait! Surprise: Turns out it's not a

Guinea pig, and you might have rabies."

She got you a birthday rat?

Yep. Anyway, I-I-I don't...

I want to know exactly what happens.

I always need to know there is going to be a happy ending.

Oh, that actually reminds me, I have a massage in 20 minutes.

I wish I knew if Scandal had a happy ending this week.

I mean, my best friend Scott Foley is in it.

Dude, you met him one time,

- he's not your friend alright? - Really? Oh really, that's hilarious.

OK, then why'd he answer my tweet today? me back this morning?

All I wrote him was: "Found your address

online. If you don't write back,

- I'll have to come say hi in person." - You know, I can't wait until they make

a Lifetime movie of your life called: "How I Stalked and Killed Scott Foley"

I wonder, I wonder who is going to play you?

I bet it's going to be Ellen Page.

- Oh fun, you're a funny guy. - Okay.

- Funny guy, you hate spoilers, do ya? - Yeah...

What TV shows are you watching these days? Huh?

"Empire?"

Yeah, I like Empire. You know I like that show. I, uh, I...

We don't get service over there. Hey, hello. Hello?

Missed your chance. Oh, it's another phone call.

Listen man, You really shouldn't have done that, okay?

And yes I watch "Empire". I love that show. I love any show with uh, lead

character named Cookie.

So far, it's pretty much just "Empire" and "Sesame Street."

I was uh, thinking of catching up on Wednesday's episode tonight.

Look, don't bother. You see Lucious is out of prison,

Cookie and Hakeem form their new label. Lucious teamed up to double cross everybody

with Kitty Booboo. And at the end Lucious steals Hakeem's Latina

girl group, and buys all the radio stations in the country,

and tells Cookie he's not going to play any of her music, but Cookie

says that you can't keep Cookie down.

Man, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you.

Alright no!. That's why you got to watch

stuff right when it comes out. Live.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

Hey... Baseball playoffs update. Cardinals beating the Cubs 1-0.

Dude, why would you talk to me about baseball.

You know I don't care about baseball

That would be like if I talk to you about fashion.

Justin, Justin's outfit's playoff.

Your pants are beating your shirt "horrible" to "terrible"

- Oh, don't you listen to him Justin. - Yeah, I think you're sexy.

- Oh, don't you listen to her Justin! - Wait up, did you just call Justin sexy?

- Heck yeah, I did. - Hold on, hold on, hold on... one second.

Wait, one second, hold on. That's a surprise right here. You... I'm sorry guys

Candace hit her head and now she doesn't know what the word sexy means.

Stay calm, I just want to administer a test for concussion. Here we go. OK.

Follow my finger. Follow my finger. Follow my finger. Not sexy.

Follow it. Follow it. Follow my finger. Follow it. Keep following. Keep following.

Sexyyyy.

Look, we just wanted you guys to know that uh, Candace and I we're gonna...

Try dating. Yeah, uh, I never knew it was right in front of me this whole time.

Well, you know it's going to be easy for me to remember that your

anniversary is October 9 because uh, today is also the first day I saw

Justin Bieber's penis on the Internet.

Yeah, well, as romantic as that is we are actually going to start dating tomorrow.

Well then, I will look at it again tomorrow then.

Yeah, then we are waiting until tonight

at midnight so our anniversary will be October 10.

Yeah, see in numerology ten symbolizes sudden changes and harmony.

When it comes to harmony, 2, 3, 4...

We always sound better... together

Ewwww! Was that rehearsed?

Hell, no, Brett... Yo bitch!

Come on Danny, you don't seem too happy for us.

Yeah, I know, this thing happens whenever I hear someone sing like that.

I get a huge headache from a medical condition I have called "ears"...

It's no big deal. It's not like I stay at home fantasizing about how you would react.

Uh, yes you did. Let's hear it.

Oh, you would be walking away when I told you.

See your knees buckle a little bit.

They'd pinch in and say "Yeah, this is real."

Yeah. And you'd smile big but not with your mouth but with your eyes,

the way you do when you see a new puppy or an Asian girl with blond hair.

I do love both of those things.

And you'd say "congrats" and I'd say "yeah I'm a lucky guy."

And you would say "no. Justin, look at me...

she's a lucky girl. She's a lucky, lucky girl."

Then we would hug and go out and celebrate.

- Can I go with you? - If you want to.

Attention, bar! Leslie has asked me to give her

a big introduction. Ladies and gentleman!

You know her as the "Happy Hour Hurricane", the "Booty and the Beast"...

Weighing in at 100 and whatever

will not get me bitch-slapped... Leslie "New Haircut" Burton!

Oh my God, you look awesome!

Thanks, I feel great about it.

I would've been here sooner but I was in my car, crying.

So, call it Brett, do I get the gay man's seal of approval?

Well, on behalf of gays everywhere, I officially upgrade your haircut from

"Shaggy Dog" to "Fierce Bitch".

Alright, let's hear it Bursk...

I'm sorry, I'm texting with my girlfriend.

Whatever, I think I look great. I think this might be my thing for a while.

Well, that's the same way I feel

about having sex with very tall women.

Yeah, you heard me.

Wait, that girl is dating you? And she knows it?

Yeah. She just thinks I'm cool and classy and smart.

But you're none of those things...

I know! Hahaha!

Sorry, I can't get my mom off the phone.

I'll be right back. I can't wait to meet Adam's best friends.

Who the hell is Adam?

- Adam's my first name. - Riiiiiiight.

I can't believe we start dating in a few minutes.

Well, when we do, I have a huge surprise for you.

Hey, I've seen you in bike shorts,

it's a medium sized surprise.

Isn't this great. I mean, Justin and I are getting together.

Burski has a girlfriend. Leslie is serious with Mike.

Shelly is already on that giant woman's lap.

Even Brett's found a guy.

Yep, I found the guy and it is quite titillating.

He's uh, recently divorced and not sure he is gay yet.

- Have you had sex? - Yeah.

He's pretty sure.

- Like everybody found a special someone. - Oh, not everyone... Hahaha. Ow!

Can't believe I get to date my best friend.

I mean, I guess it's not that crazy. I haven't dated my worst enemy, so...

Raccoon who stole my hat yesterday, you're not getting any of this.

You guys know dating a friend makes it immediately more serious.

Yeah, but Justin has just has as much at risk as I do.

Mmmmmmhhh!...

What was that? What was that noise?

Well I, I didn't make any noise.

Yes you did!

You made a noise right after she said I have just as much to risk as she does.

Mmmmmmhhh!...

What are you doing?

Look, I-I, we're just talking.

Danny, what did I just say? I need spoilers.

So, if you know how this is gonna go, you have to tell me.

Well, uh, look, I mean, I mean it's not a huge deal. It's just, you know, uh,

Maybe you do have a little more to lose than Justin because, I mean we have all

known him and been friends with him way longer than we've known you so if you guys

do break up, I mean, he would probably get to keep the friends.

Okay, uh, but who's to say what the future holds you know?

Maybe later today, Danny will get hit by a bus. Fingers crossed.

Yeah, uh, I'm not worried about that because you guys were friends with

Nicki before she started dating Justin and you guys are all still tight, right?

- [All] Mmmmmmhhh!... - Hey! Stop making that noise!

Look at me. Look at me. Here it is. Ten seconds 'til we're dating.

Look, every day we spend together will be better than the last right?

Four,

three, two,

- Uh, Justin um, we should talk. - Flowers and champagne for the new couple?

TV's Scott Foley!

I know, it's exciting.

Once my best pal, Justin here told me he was in a new relationship,

I just knew I had to come down here.

Well...

There's a little bit of a speed bump.

Oh, man. Well, uh.. Look on the bright side: I'm still on "Scandal."

This is just like when I was a little boy and my mom told me

I had to get my appendix out.

I felt like I was losing part of myself and I couldn't stop crying.

She told me to write a note.

You know what that note to my appendix said?

What did it say?

"I can't believe you don't want to be with me."

Justin! I'm not your appendix okay?. I would never say that to you!

But, I just didn't realize how much is at stake until Danny

- said all that stuff. - You're welcome.

I just need to go on one of my thinking walks.

Sweetie, this is Detroit. You know my rule about your night time thinking walks.

Take your thinking bat.

Justin, I'll be back in a few.

Take all the time you need. I'll be here.

Oh man, sorry, dude, that's a bummer.

So it seems like one of those things that just

happens and is definitely no one's fault though

You better hope this works out.

Or I'm going to murder you.

Yeah, why'd you mess with his relationship, man?

He's just depressed because he's the only one of us who isn't with anybody.

Yeah, she's actually right you know.

It is kind of hard for me to find someone

Oh wait a second... Hey, pretty girl near the bar,

- You want to go out sometime? - Sure.

Oh look at that, I just turned my life around!

All I did was tell the truth to Candace okay?

That's all I always do, tell the truth to my friends

Well, how would you like it if I started

- telling the truth all the time? - I'd love it. Are you serious?

I'd actually love it I would love for you to tell me the truth the whole time okay?

But be careful, be careful okay? Because you know the saying okay?

If you are throwing truth stones and have

a truth house and throwing around truth stones?

Oh, you do not want to get in

a truth battle with me, my friend.

Hahahaha! That made me laugh.

Truth: I pee in our shower.

Truth: so do I.

OK, truth: every time I've

texted you back "lol," I never laugh out loud.

Never once.

Truth: you look like Sam the eagle

from the Muppets and the lead singer from Creed had a baby

Truth: your body looks like a big bag of mayonnaise.

You know, I don't have time for this!

I'm gonna go get Candace. I've got to talk to her alright?

Truth: you know you think you are the star around here?

Guess what? Bridgit Mendler is more famous than you. Here!

Truth! That actually hurt my feelings a little bit.

I need one reason why that girl is with him.

Okay, I'll give you four: green card, hired escort, organ theft,

or most likely, Burski created her using a 3-D printer.

Or maybe she is trying to get back at her dad.

But then she should do what most pretty white girls do:

get a tattoo or have a biracial baby.

I got this. Hey Karli or Jan or whatever the hell your name is.

Um, I got a question. Do you know there are other men?

- What? - I'm out of ideas.

Yeah, maybe we should head out.

I don't understand how a girl like that ends up with him.

Here is my shoulder, one step at a time at a time, please.

Oooohhh! God! She thinks he's blind!

I'll see you later.

- I'm just kidding. - Okay.

Okay, uh, before you judge me let me explain how this happened.

- Too late, guilty. - I didn't do it on purpose.

I got my eyes dilated. Carly helped me sit down, and we hit it off.

I didn't know she thought I was blind until later that night.

I just thought she liked holding my arm and leading me around the park.

And describing what trees look like.

- Why didn't you just tell her? - I panicked Leslie and by then it was

- too late to say anything. - Has she asked you why you wear glasses?

Yeah, uh, I said I wear them ironically.

I figured it shows I have a good

sense of humor about my blindness.

I don't know, I really like this girl. You guys gotta help me find a way to tell her

the truth without losing her.

Well, you could just tell her that you are a lying disgusting pig

that took advantage of a woman's mistakes.

No, that's not it.

Uh, you could tell her you have an evil twin.

I actually do have a twin.

He is struggling with crystal meth. I don't see him often.

Oh, because of the drugs?

Oh no. He travels a lot. He's an airline pilot

Look, I went out to get you because I figured out a way to fix this.

Now, you know how you need spoilers and you need to know

there's a happy ending? Well, what if I could guarantee, that

even if we don't work out, you won't lose all your friends?

- How? - Simple. We...

Have a friend draft.

We take turns selecting friends until everyone's divvied up.

This way, if we break up, those are the friends you keep.

What I like about this idea is that it definitely won't end in hurt feelings.

Yeah, you know what? Shelly's right. No matter what happens one team will lose

unless someone here knows a way to make two Dannys.

No one wants two Dannys.

Yeah, you're right, you know what? Two Danny's isn't enough Danny's

You need more Dannys. Okay? You'd need a work Danny,

a home Danny, you need a party Danny, Malibu beach Danny,

you need a, you need a, you need a granny Danny

to help with the kids. You need a nanny Danny to help with the granny Danny.

And then you also need a Danny Glover Danny. He's too old for this crap.

Oh! And you know what? You know what would be really cool is to have an

international super villain Danny.

Hey, I have put a bomb inside your house and it will go off if you do not blow up

Mount Rushmore. Ahahaha!

Wundabar and Gutentag. But do-o-o-n't worry! Ok?

There's also a secret agent CIA Danny and he's going to save the day.

Bam!, Give me the gun! No! No! No! That's my gun! No it's my gun.

I'm the real Danny! No, I'm the real Danny. I'm for real Danny! Ahahaha!

- What, what was this bit here? - Oh, I took out the clip of the gun and I

took the bullet out of the chamber and

slid it across the floor and it went into a pool.

Alright. Okay, ignore him, alright.

Enough of that stuff. Let's get to more mature matters. Alright?

A pool? Uh...

Where'd you find a spy with a pool?

We are at a rich guy's house. They are the most evil.

Let's get to more mature stuff.

Welcome everybody to the 2015 friend draft.

- Dude. Hey, man! - Shhhh!

Candace will make the first selection.

Okay, I have to lay more truth on you. Okay?

Guess what? It's not going to achieve anything.

Nobody cares about your stupid friend draft especially Candace.

- Leslie, I'll take Leslie. - I'll take Brett!

- I'll take Shelly!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoooahhhh.

You guys probably figured that since I was making fun of the friend draft

that I'm not going to be a part of the friend draft. But...

There's a surprise ending like The Sixth Sense, okay? Turns out I am going to be in the friend

draft alright?

- So, go ahead and pick me Justin. - I will take my best friend,

- TV's Scott Foley. - Great choice!

I'm great in an ensemble!

Yeah, yeah!

Okay, okay!

Hey. You are not wrestling. Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey... Cute! Not wrestling.

And you didn't get any, you didn't accomplish anything. Okay?

The only thing you did accomplish is now Shelly knows you like Brett better than him

No, no, I only picked Brett first and then I'd move on to Shelly.

Shelly understands. Isn't that right Shelly?

I'm going to answer that by

saying something my grandma said to my grand father every morning.

I hope you die today.

- Can you believe this crap? - I was the first overall pick,

- so you all can suck it. - Oh! Big words from the

Justin Bieber haircut over here.

You know, I was there when Felicity cut

her hair, so I know about mistakes.

You shut your mouth, Scott Foley!

Hey! TV's Scott Foley!

- TV's Scott! - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I like it, I like it a lot.

That wasn't rehearsed.

Okay, come here. We're not even dating yet, and

look what this is doing to us.

Let's go crazy.

Okay, look

You guys obviously don't understand.

Look, I grew up on the streets. Okay? I was completely alone.

- I didn't have anybody. - Didn't you have a street friend?

Yes, but she tried to stab me!

So I finally built this life for

myself with all of you amazing people and I don't want to risk losing that.

I don't wanna us to risk losing you as a friend. So,

I'm not saying never I'm sorry but I don't think I can date you right now.

- I'm so sorry. - No, that's OK. You know...

Just, when you're ready I will be here waiting for you whether it

is one day from now or two days from now.

You guys know when you're really bummed out

and sometimes you have a sad song in your head?

Well, here's the thing: that sound didn't

work for me because I'm sad. I'm really sad!

Look, we were friends yesterday, and we're still friends today,

so I just want to squash any weirdness.

Weirdness squashed. Thanks, Justin.

Bring it in. Sorry, too intimate.

That's too formal. Fist bump? Here we go. Aha!

Haha! Your fist is really warm. It's like a loaf of bread.

I bet it smells good too. I didn't need to smell your fist.

You normally only hear that in prison.

You like that sigh, Daniel?

That's your handy work. Nothing's sadder than a sighing bag of mayonnaise.

Candace is just as bad.

Have you ever seen a more depressing relationship?

Well yeah, you just have to pivot your chair and look that way.

Blue is my favorite color. Blue is my favorite.

I wish you could see the color blue.

Yeah, that's the color I feel like I always miss

Listen Karli, um, there's something I need to be honest with you about.

Oh good, because honesty is

so important to me. Honesty from the start or I am outta here, y'know?

Yep, I do know.

For both of us from the start. And that's why I want you to

consider right now, from this moment on, as the start of us.

- Agreed? - I think the start was when we met?

No, I mean call me a romantic, but I

think of that as the beginning. This is the start of us.

Then honesty from the beginning.

That's not what you said.

I can't take this anymore.

Oh my god! Those are the greatest things I've ever seen.

I mean those are the greatest things sensed.

You're not blind? We're done.

Lose my number.

Why did you do that, Leslie? I was just about to tell her. I like her.

- Can you believe him? - What?

I can't believe you used your boozems for evil.

You know with a great rack comes great responsibility.

You only did that because you're jealous.

Can you believe these two Shelly? They're like some weird brother

sister team that ruins their friends' relationships.

We have been over this. When it comes to Justin and

Candace it's not my fault all I did was tell the truth.

Oh, so you still want to hide behind the truth.

Well, truth battle, Danny.

Okay, alright. No big deal. Truth battle accepted okay?

Your voice it sounds like you're an old Southern lady.

Well I never!

Truth! you're my friend and I love you.

Truth, you're playing the truth battle wrong and making me feel so bad.

Look Danny! That's because you deserve it. Listen mate, any one of us could have told

Candace that relationships die out after five months or

it is much riskier dating a friend. But no-one said anything

because sometimes being a good friend is about the things you don't say.

I'm the worst.

I feel so bad about what I did.

Aw, Les it'll grow back.

- Hey. - Why did you do that?

- You have a boyfriend. - Every time I see you you make

some crude comment about how great my body is or how hot I am.

Do you have any idea how that feels like?

It's awesome.

I just even when I wake up

feeling crappy about myself I know you are here to pick me up

and I know it is so selfish but I'm afraid of losing that.

Nope, you're not going to lose that.

I mean you're with Mike I know,

but I really believe we are going to end up together.

You know that every girl that

I'm with is just practice for you?

That's so sweet. Can you just end that thought

right there without ruining it?

I can, however...

I don't really want to. Leslie, you see if I date enough girls I will be

so much better at sex for you. I mean I'm

practicing alone but it's just not the same.

And we're back.

I called Karli. I told her how great you are and

this is all my fault. I am so sorry.

Apology accepted.

Uhhhh, Leslie, I never told you I

actually really like your haircut.

I think it compliments your eyes and makes you look even more beautiful.

Thanks.

Yeah, I'll call you back.

Hey uh, I'm glad you're here. We gotta talk.

- Danny, what do you want? - Look uh, you know that gross word that

you're supposed to use if you feel really badly about hurt your

- best friend's feelings? - Apologize?

Ouch. Yeah, that's the word.

Look, when I was a younger, when I was a kid I hated

using that word because it made me feel weak.

You know? So my mom let me substitute the name of my favorite "Star Wars" character

Why are you telling me this?

Because Justin, I want you to know from the bottom of my heart

I Chewbacca.

I really do, I can't Chewbacca enough

I want you to know and I'm asking you,

please in all seriousness accept my Chewbacca.

- You're an idiot. - Dude, I just want you to

be happy man. I want you to be happy. And look, be selfish for once. Okay?

Candace, you know that she likes you so go convince her to go for it.

I wish I could. But Candace is right you know?

It's too much of a risk for her. I can't force her into something

like that. I care about her too much.

Okay man, Fine. I'll just uh I'll leave you to it.

I want to let you know I'm going to go on record,

I think you're making a huge Jar Jar Binks.

Yeah, perfect, let me call you back.

Stop calling me. Yeah, I'm in the middle of something.

Thank you. Okay, bye. Great. I don't... Bye

I'm going to have to change my number.

What are you guys doing?

Watching Candace and Justin steal stolen glances at each other.

Alright, how long is this supposed to last?

Well, if the past two hours are any indication, forever.

And now everyone's gonna have to watch this all year long.

I love a good "will they, won't they."

It worked great on "Cheers" and "Friends."

Come on man, I love "Friends." Stop with the spoilers!

- Don't ruin it for me. - Ross and Rachel end up together.

Which one's Rachel?

Any of us watching this knows they're gonna end up together eventually.

Yep, but thanks to Danny we have to wait. This could easily last all winter.

You mean that we have to sit here and watch this repetitive junk all season?

Dude, everyone I can't take this anymore. Hey Candace, guess what?

At first I thought it was Justin's fault

that you two didn't wind up together because uh,

he was too much of a jerk and wuss to not push you into it.

He always puts other people before himself.

Yeah, I know, it's his worst quality and I'm trying to break him of it.

But, none of that matters actually because It

turns out it's not his fault. It's your fault.

I don't care that it hurts your feelings that I call you a

chicken Candace, because that's what you are.

You are a huge chicken. And I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings

Actually, you know what? I'm not gonna Chewbacca if it hurts your feelings.

I don't Chewbacca, I don't Chewbacca at all.

I'm not a chicken, Danny.

You know what? That's the funny thing about chickens,

you can't really convince them about anything.

You can't You've got to force them into stuff So, I've got an idea.

You know what my cheesiest move is to pick up girls?

Is it the way you dress like you're my age even though you're

closer to my dad's age?

Okay, stop guessing, I'm just going to tell you actually, uh...

So, the cheesiest move is called the

chemistry test. Funny thing about the chemistry test is that it's very real. OK?

Now, when you have a connection with someone and you like them

and you get into their personal space, really close

I mean really close you can't not kiss them.

You can't not kiss them.

- What if we don't kiss? - Then I guess, you're probably not

- meant to be together anyway. - Oh, this is suspenseful.

Danny, I thought you're the one who said that if...

Yeah, "if it doesn't work out, then you know what, you may not be close

with us anymore." And that's true.

Danny, leave her alone!!! You're making her uncomfortable!

Look, Candace, I know you love spoilers and I know you want me to

promise there's gonna be a happy ending, but I can't do that.

That's for you to decide if Justin is worth the risk or not.

I'm so sorry, he shouldn't put you...

- So, does this mean we're dating? - Yeah.

- I'm a lucky guy. - No, no, no, no, no!

She's a lucky girl.

She's a lucky, lucky girl.

I'm a lucky guy.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no!

She's a lucky girl. A lucky, lucky girl.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0