Original subtitles

Check it out. They got cars that run on vegetable oil now.

- How about that. - You know what'd be cool?

- A Hummer that runs on french fry grease. - Uh-huh.

We could be energy independent and still smash through crap.

Sounds great.

Plus, the new-car smell is french fries.

Okay, I'm only gonna say this one more time.

You don't get a license for two more years and you're not getting a Hummer.

You know, you say you want me to open up to you, but what's the point?

Yeah, I always loved Paris in the springtime.

Oh, you're lucky. I only got to do her once on Halloween.

- Hi. - Oh, hey, Alan.

- Andy, this is my brother, Alan. - Alan, Andy.

- Hello. - Hi, Andy.

- Pull up a chair. We're telling war stories. - Oh, great.

- The sponge? - Yeah.

So, uh, how do you guys know each other?

- Well, Andy and I- - Can I have a cigar?

- Uh, sure. Help yourself. - Oh, thank you.

Anyway, Andy and I have known-

Maybe I'll take one for now and one for later.

Anyway...

before he moved to New York, Andy and I were partners in crime.

- There weren't that many actual crimes. - Unless you count the ones against nature.

- Alan, this is a great man. No, no.

Albert Einstein was a great man.

I just drink, gamble and hump. But I'm great at it.

Andy once managed to hitchhike from Vegas to L.A. wearing no pants.

Hey, anybody can use their thumb.

This right here, this is the brother I never had.

Oh, well, how nice for you.

I don't mean it that way. You're my brother.

- Well, thank you. - I just like him better.

- Got it. - Andy is the one guy in the world...

who can match me drink for drink and broad for broad.

One time I thought I drank him under the table, he had a broad under there.

Heh-heh-heh. Right, Andy?

Andy?

Don't screw with me, dude.

Who's your favorite brother now?

So he died out there in the chair, huh?

Yep.

Remind me to flip that cushion.

You should've seen it. The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.

- Is that so? - It looked like those things...

the delivery guys use to keep pizza hot.

I wonder if they got him to the morgue in 30 minutes or less.

Not funny, Jake.

Maybe it is funny and you just didn't get it.

Eat.

So, uh, did you know him?

Andy? Sure.

Before he moved to New York, he and Charlie were like brothers.

Yeah, I heard that part.

- How's Charlie taking it? - He's pretty shook up.

Well, you can understand why.

Somebody your age...

living the same dumb-ass lifestyle you lived...

keels over and dies? It's gotta give you pause.

- You're right about that. - I'm surprised Charlie didn't go first.

Excuse me.

I'm standing right here.

But for how long?

Did you get that one?

- See you later. - Uh, where you going?

Where do you think?

My best friend just died, I got a lot to take care of.

You're handling the funeral? I'm sure Andy would like that.

To hell with Andy, I'm going to the hospital to get every test known to man.

Good one.

You're not getting any of these, are you?

- Hey. - Hey. How'd the tests go?

I won't know for a couple of days.

All right, I'm out of here.

How about you, Charlie?

Wait, I got something for you.

It's a gift certificate for a week at a spa in Palm Springs.

Well, I'll be. Thank you, Charlie.

I just wanted you to know that I love you...

and appreciate that you've always been there for me.

Great, see you in a week.

The minute you start thinking about your mortality...

you realize how much you care about the people around you.

Yeah, and I need to start showing it.

Well...

little gifts are always a nice way to express your feelings.

I know.

Could be as simple as a cashmere robe...

or, uh, as extravagant as a new car.

- Yeah, I suppose it could. Ahem. - Yeah.

Excuse me, I got something really cool for Jake.

Doesn't even have to be new.

Certified pre-owned is still very thoughtful.

- Hey, what are you doing? - I was trying to research cars...

but you wouldn't believe what comes up when you Google "Hummer."

Actually, I would.

Here, I got you something I think you're really gonna like.

Is it a sandwich?

Why would I giftwrap a sandwich?

Because you want me to be surprised?

Just open it.

You know what's a great sandwich? The Monte Cristo.

Because it has ham and cheese, and it's fried.

Open the damn box.

Whoa, don't get your period.

- Oh, wow, a mini video-camera. - Pretty cool, huh?

Is this because you think you're dying?

No, no. I just wanted to do something nice for you.

Before you die.

- Do you want the camera or not? - Yeah, I want it.

- Then just say thank you. - Thank you.

Jeez, you need to relax. You'll give yourself a heart attack.

I'll work on it.

Have a sandwich. That always relaxes me.

All right, one more gift to give.

Oh, yeah? Saving the best for last?

I don't know about the best, but it's sure the hardest.

Any way I can make it easier?

Yeah.

Call Mom and tell her I'm on my way over.

Oh, Charlie, what a beautiful watch.

- Do you really like it? - Are you kidding? It's gorgeous.

And the best part is now I don't have to wear my good one every day.

You're probably wondering why I bought it for you.

Well, I just assumed you love me...

and did it out of the goodness of your heart.

Kidding. Why, dear?

Okay, I deserve that.

But the truth is I do love you...

and despite our many differences, I'm glad you're my mother.

You didn't drive over here drunk, did you?

I'm not drunk. I just, uh...

I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is...

that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.

Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?

No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.

I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right.

My point is, uh, I don't wanna be angry with you anymore.

I want us to be friends.

I was always your friend, Charlie.

You were just too self-involved to see it.

Okay, I gotta go.

Where you off to?

I have to pick out a casket for a friend of mine.

Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

Well, don't cheap out.

It's one thing to do it with a watch, but a casket is forever.

So young. I can't believe it.

Yeah.

Who would've thought smoking, drinking and whoring could kill you?

You realize that could just as easily be me in there.

Yeah.

Don't even think that.

It is a nice casket, though.

Should be.

- It cost me 10 grand. - Ten grand, wow.

What can I say, I take care of the people I love.

Could've taken care of me with a freaking robe.

Kind of a light turnout.

You'd probably get more people with an open bar.

Hey, make sure there's an open bar at mine.

Oh, now, I'm your funeral planner?

Don't you want a friend or someone you really care about in charge of that?

No, you do it.

Good afternoon and welcome.

We are here to celebrate the life...

and mourn the passing of Andrew Donald Patterson.

How do we measure a man's life?

- By... - Jeez, this guy's a load.

Don't get a guy like this for me.

I want someone with a little bit of gravitas.

I'll see if James Earl Jones is available.

That would be nice.

- Born, a time to die, a time to reap...

a time to sow, a time to mourn...

A time to heal...

a time for every purpose under heaven.

And so we say goodbye to Charles Francis Harper.

Devoted son, loving brother, caring uncle...

bon vivant and world-class connoisseur of the booty.

Nice turnout.

I'd like to take this moment... - Yeah. Standing room only.

Goes to show you, give the people what they want.

You mean the open bar, right?

Sure.

Thanks for coming, by the way.

You came to mine.

Yeah, but you're dead.

Charlie, take a look in the box.

That's not a tanning booth.

Oh, yeah.

So listen, as long as you're here, what's heaven like?

It's unbelievable. It's paradise.

Like your house before your brother moved in.

Oh, that was good.

You can drink all you want, no hangover.

Endless supply of women, each one more beautiful than the last.

And Charlie, get this: They believe everything you tell them.

- Everything? - It's heaven, dude.

Wow.

- Well, save me a good seat. - I wish I could...

but that's not where they sent me.

Ew.

Then how do you know what heaven's like?

They make us look at a video every day...

while they're putting lube on the pitchfork.

Well, at least, you get lube.

Only on the middle prong.

To be completely honest...

I didn't know Charlie Harper.

But any man, who, with his dying breath, would set aside $25,000...

and a first-class air ticket so I could deliver his eulogy...

is aces in my book.

That being said, there are many people here today who did know Charlie...

and perhaps some would like to stand up and say a few words.

Ooh, ooh! Ah, I wanna say something.

Uh...

hello, everybody.

Hello, James Earl Jones.

Um, hey, bro. Don't get up.

Ah, what can I say about Charlie?

Uh, so many words come to mind.

So few that you can say in church.

But we'll, uh-We'll give it a shot.

Um, Charlie was a man of love.

Um, he loved his friends...

he loved his family...

but most of all...

he loved his penis.

The only part of him that ever had an actual job.

Ah, anyway...

this was a man, uh, so full of love that it practically oozed out of him.

Ah, at which point, of course, he would see a doctor.

But I-I kid the deceased whoremonger.

Anyway, uh, since he never made out a will, uh, I hope you will all join me...

for a wake-slash-luau at my Malibu beach house.

He got my house?

- He got everything you had. - Everything?

Well, not the diseased liver and the swollen prostate.

Oh, look. Your old girlfriends are saying their final goodbye.

That's not very respectful.

Just FYI, spit is the devil's lube.

Listen. Uh, would you mind recording my answering-machine message for me?

That'll be an extra $500.

That's okay. I'm rich now.

All right, what do you want, uh, "This is CNN" or "Luke, I am your father"?

So, Charlie, it's been great catching up, but I gotta go.

Already? Can't you stay a while?

No, it's pitchfork time. If you're late, you don't get the spit.

And believe me, Charlie, you want the spit.

I want the spit.

Harper. Charlie Harper. I was in a few days ago.

I peed in a cup, you took my blood...

and slipped a camera up the heart of darkness.

Well, the doctor said my results would be ready today.

Fine, have him get back to me.

He's avoiding my calls, Alan.

- I'm gonna die. - No, no, you're not.

Aah. I can feel it.

You might as well just drive into that tree and kill us both.

Sure. I don't wanna go on living without you.

What's the point of it all?

Yeah, I'm rich, charming, classically handsome...

I've laid more pipe than a guy...

who has sex with pipes.

But what have I done with my life?

A few stupid jingles, some kids' songs, nothing that really matters.

Now, now, you're being too hard on yourself.

Got no wife, I've got no children.

I'm gonna leave this world the way I came in.

By a cesarean section?

Alone.

Oh, for God's sake, Charlie, I am tired of listening to this.

There has always been one person in your life...

who's been there for you and loved you unconditionally.

You mean...

You're right.

- How could I have missed it? - Heh-heh-heh.

It's been in front of me the whole time.

You can't see the forest for the trees...

even when the forest is in your own backyard.

Or guest room, heh, heh.

Rose?

- Yup, the one and only. - Aah.

I know, I know, it's been a while.

If you're not too busy maybe we could get together...

and have a drink or something.

Great.

So do you wanna meet or should I pick you up?

I'll meet you at your place.

Okay, I'll meet you back at my place.

Small world.

Yeah, teeny-tiny.

- Here you go. - Thank you, Charlie.

- Comfy? - Oh, very.

Good.

- So, Rose. - Charlie.

- Haven't seen you in a while. - Can't say the same.

Oh, right, right. Sure, yeah.

Sorry about your friend.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a real wake-up call for me.

I can imagine.

Makes you stop and wonder what's important in your life.

Who's important in your life.

I've always known who's important in my life.

You have, haven't you?

You know how I feel about you, right?

Tell me anyway.

Oh, okay.

Well, as you know, we've had our ups and downs.

I told you that was my medication.

- I was talking about our relationship. - Oh, yes.

That's had ups and downs too.

Continue.

Well, uh, I'm thinking we're not getting any younger.

You know, there was a time when I did think I was getting younger...

but it turns out that that was my medication.

- Sure. - I also thought I was getting smaller.

Ah. Ahem.

Anyway, uh, it struck me that- That life is short...

and maybe the time has come for you and I to start thinking about our future.

What about it?

Aah, well...

I know this is kind of sudden, but-

Rose?

Yes, Charlie?

Would you do me the honor of-?

I'm sorry, let me just get rid of this.

Oh, it's my doctor.

Hey, doc, what's the word?

No liver damage whatsoever?

What about my heart?

Well, that's terrific.

Lungs are good too?

So I don't have to give up cigars?

No, no. No, I won't overdo it.

Just when I drink, heh, heh.

Speaking of which, how's the plumbing?

Does that include the prostate?

Yes.

All right, well, uh, thanks for getting back to me so soon.

And again, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry for all the name-calling...

when you slipped your finger up there.

Oh, boy, this is awkward.

Look at him.

He's gonna live forever.

No, it's just gonna seem like forever.

He smokes, he drinks, parties like there's no tomorrow.

Me? I have Mexican food and a couple of beers...

and I'm farting blood.

Yeah. Boo-hoo.

You just said "Mexican food" and I grew a third butt cheek.

Life isn't fair, is it, Berta?

If it were, you'd be cleaning my toilets and I'd have my own talk show.

- A talk show? - Why not? I'm personable.

At least, he has a clean bill of health. I'm happy for that.

Me too. I don't care if I never inherit this house.

Uh, uh, excuse me?

Oh, you ain't seen his new will, huh?

- Ah, what new will? - Never mind.

But in case tragedy strikes...

be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.

Son of a bitch.