Original subtitles

You said I was a shoo-in. Toast, that's what they said to me,

then Bruce Willis shows an interest and it's a whole new ball game.

This is very embarrassing for me.

Going around looking like a tit!

Can't you sue them or something?

No, because there was nothing in writing,

but I'm going to make one very angry phone call!

I won't be able to go out for months! That is defeatism, Toast.

You can still do voice-overs.

In fact, I have you down for one this afternoon.

Those fuckers'll love this.

Nice outwear, dude. You what?

Cool jacket. Haven't seen one like that in a long while. Is it vintage?

No, it isn't bloody vintage. I got it from Cliftons in St James's.

Fancy. It is fancy.

You won't find one of these in Oxfam

or wherever it is you pick up those clown outfits from. Cool.

Let's get on. What are we doing? Medical doc, Operation Blow By Blow.

It's pretty squeamish stuff. Squeamish? Poppycock!

They just sent through the footage.

Ooh, Jesus! That's not nice! Argh!

It's nothing I won't have seen before. Let's just get on. Steven?

This is Clem Fandango. Can you hear me? OK, Plato, enlighten me.

The footage is full-on. If you'd rather record it without picture,

it's doable. No! I'll do it to picture. Run the tape.

OK, coming atcha, big guy.

Head injuries are possibly the most critical and serious injury

a qualified surgeon will ever have to attend to.

A specially designed tool, not unlike a workman's masonry drill,

is lowered onto the mark, ready to cut through the skull.

Ohh...

The brain is now visible.

Is everything all right, Steven?

Hope you haven't got sick over your nice new coat.

The wind machine was going at full tilt.

Everyone else was blown off the deck, but I held my ground, Toast,

and delivered my speech in one take.

I have to hand it to you, Axel -

I don't think there's a finer actor

when it comes to performing in high winds.

Well, when playing ships' captains and mad kings,

performing in gales and storms comes very much with the territory.

Wind machines, rain machines, thunder-and-lightning machines,

sleet machines... Tell me, when you're performing in high winds,

are you tethered to a mast somehow?

No, no, no. The public would notice that immediately.

It's all to do with technique. I look full-on,

but I usually stand at very, very slight angle.

Well, even Olivier used a safety harness. Yes, nice fellow.

Used to be in the same lodge. I must invite you to a meeting.

I'm guessing you're, er, on the square?

What square? I wouldn't work with an actor who wasn't in the Masons.

Oh, the Masons! Oh, yes...

Yes, of course. So what's this production that you're working on?

TV adaptation of that Master And Commander film.

Nice! Mm. They're promising me an absolute howling gale.

You know, Toast, I've heard it said

that you, after me, are the best high-winds actor in Britain.

I mean, I'm good, but I don't think I'm in your league.

True, but if anything should happen to me,

you might find yourself getting a few more job offers.

No, I think your position will be quite secure for some years to come.

Cheers.

I was just talking to Axel Jacklin in The Colonial Club.

Apparently he's a Mason. I see.

You're not, er, on the square, are you?

Well, yes. Most actors are. Well, I'm not.

Always found it quite ridiculous, with the silly handshakes

and pulling up your trouser leg to the judge. Don't knock it, Toast.

Many escape a perilous situation by performing just such a ritual.

I remember once I played a Bond girl, when I was in Octopussy.

You played a Bond Girl? Yes, at tennis. During a break at Pinewood.

Maude Adams. She wanted to play the full three sets.

Cubby Broccoli came over and said "No, you only have to play one."

He knew I was a Mason, you see. We performed the ritual

and I had the afternoon off. What the hell are you talking about?

Mind if I watch the midday news? "Axel Jacklin was well known

"for his costume dramas." No...

"His agent Jane Plough said it was a tragedy." It's a tragedy,

but it's common knowledge that, after Axel,

you are the best high-winds actor in Britain.

So I've been onto the Master And Commander chaps and persuaded them

that you are the best actor to take over the role.

You've certainly moved fast, Jane. Axel's only been dead 46 minutes.

No room for sentiment in this game. Now, you're in the Masons?

You'd better join up if you're not because the producer, Parker Pipe,

is very keen on using only Masonic actors.

What's up, Toast? Sad about Axel?

Mm, yeah. Yes.

People die all the time though, don't they?

Actors, prime ministers, kings, queens?

everybody's just passing through.

The list of people who've died is as long as my arms

and I have unnaturally long arms.

Imagine if all the actors who were dead were alive.

There'd be no jobs for the younger actors at all.

Are you all right? Jane?

No, we have to strike while the iron is hot.

Stay where you are, Toast.

Are you all right, Jane? You're behaving very queerly.

Just stay where you are.

The bats are back.

Let me get my special swat.

What special swat?

Aa-AARGH!

ARGH! BLOODY BATS! I HATE YOU! Whoa! I'll get help...

Bloody bats! I hate bats!

Agh! Ah!

Ah! Ah...

Ahh...

Hello, this is Esther Rantzen. May I order a takeaway?

Toast. Davison. Have you been to see Jane?

What the hell is going on? Should I get a doctor? Was it... the bats?

She did mention bats. I thought so. I'd better go up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. It is a bit alarming.

The truth is, Toast, she's, um,...

back on the acid. Ah. Well, that would explain it.

She was definitely having some kind of bad bat trip.

How long's she been back on it? A week. Her timing is appalling.

You know there's a surprise party for her at The Colonial tomorrow?

Celebrating 40 years as an agent.

Jane really needs her friends now. We all have to rally round.

Sorry, Davison, I need to ask you something.

What?

Are you a Mason?

Of course, yes. Yes...

Jane?

Jane! Jane...

Argh!

Steven. I'm Parker Pipe, the producer. Nice to meet you.

This is Chloe Hammerslag, my assistant. Hello.

You knew Axel? Very well indeed. Old friends.

It's such a tragedy. His very first day on set.

Yeah, he was just blown away, I believe? Yes, yes.

His luck finally ran out. He lost his footing and just blown away.

Hit the back wall of the set at 70mph.

He told me he never wore a harness. He never did.

Put authenticity above everything.

But the show must go on, as they say.

And Jane thoroughly recommended you. How is Jane?

She's back on the acid. Oh, dear. Anyway, I've got a script here.

By the way, Toast. I presume you are, um...

Oh, er... Oh, yes.

Fully paid-up and committed member.

Yes...

Thanks, Camilla.

Parker!

Toast. Ray bloody Purchase. What are you doing here?

Do you two know each other? Yea... Yea...

Could you play the scene together?

God... I didn't know you were up for this.

I didn't know you were up for this either. You're not a Mason. I am.

Oh, yes, he is. What?

There's one thing we'd just like to try out.

Chloe, could you, er...

Steven, Ray, would you mind standing in front of the machine?

Of course. All right, if I must.

That would be great.

I don't need a script, Parker, I've learnt it.

Eugh... We're going to start on a three setting

and then gradually bring it up to...

ten.

In your own time!

Three days out of port, Captain.

When do you think the Frenchies will show themselves?

Soon enough, Chief Surgeon, but fear not.

The wind may blow and storms may rage,

England will never fail.

Aye aye, Captain. Though it is a stiff southwesterly.

Our destiny...

..is to see us through the battle!

Sweet victory shall be...

..shall be...

Argh! Uhh...

OK, OK, turn off the wind, Chloe!

Steven, you stood on your feet.

That's fantastic!

I'm so impressed, I'm promoting you to the lead role of the Captain...

Argh! ..and demote Ray to Chief Surgeon.

Well, that'd be great! Ray Purchase is a top-class high-winds actor,

but you are even better.

The wind machine was up to nine!

To manage nine at your first read,

well, it's just... super.

I was stood at a slight angle. It's a tip from Axel Jacklin.

Yes. Poor, poor Axel...

Ed, I need to become a Mason immediately.

Can you pull some strings? Who are you trying to impress?

Parker Pipe. The producer? The very same. He's very high up.

Partakes in the more exotic rituals. I couldn't give rat shit.

Could you get me in? I know someone who may help you.

Really? Who? He's an East Ender.

You'll have to meet him in the East End. Who is this Cockney cheap-jack?

Basil Jet. I've got his number and address.

He may be able to fast-track you. Fabulous. It'll cost you.

How much? 27 pounds, 50 pence.

That's not too bad. And, Toast, keep my name out of it. All right, Ed.

The East End, you say. I wonder what it's like these days...

Thanks, cabbie. Keep the change.

Thanking you, sir. You tight fuck, ya...

Bugger off. Ooh...

Follow me, love. I can suck the Thames dry.

Is that you, Mrs Purchase? Toast, what are you doing here?

You in the East End... I'm looking for a chap called Basil Jet.

That's his shop two doors down.

I must say, you're full of surprises, Mrs Purchase.

Shh, stop saying my name. Oh, yes, of course.

Officer.

"Who is it? What do you want?!"

My name's Toast. I want to be a Mason - today.

Uhh!

You can't do it just like that. Ed Howzer-Black said I could join.

Oh, right, yeah. You got the money? Yes. 27 pounds and 50 pence.

I'm too busy to do the paperwork today. You'll have to use the app.

An app? What, there's an app you can use to join the Masons? Wow.

What's an app? You ask Ed. He'll tell ya.

You download the app and I'll text you the password. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

When do I get initiated? I'll let you know. We'll have a ceremony.

Bit of a booze-up, finger food. And you, sir, you get a goody bag.

Ooh. Yeah... Great.

I say, what's a goody bag?

Where is she?

'Ray... Ahh...'

Oh, God. Not you again. Yes, it's me, Toast -

Ray fucking Purchase again.

What were you talking about at that audition? You're not a Mason.

Yes, I am. Yea...

Jane should be here by now. I'll try and track her down.

Who else is here? Fotheringham's here.

Last time I saw him, he was off to the BBC jail. Let him out today.

A lot of his type have been released

in return for a reduction in the licence fee.

Whoa.

Fotheringham. Mmmm...

Didn't realise it was fancy dress. It isn't. Ah.

Toast. Don't tell anyone, but we're having a surprise party for Jane

at The Colonial Club.

No, you ARE Jane. What?

We're here at The Colonial Club, waiting. Right...

Well, get here as fast as you can!

Everything all right, Toast? Oh, fuck off!

And I said to her "What? Have I forgotten our wedding anniversary?"

And she said "No, we're not actually married"!

Blair, how do you know each other?

Oh, we know each other. 'Mason...'

Oh.

What?

Surprise!

God... I'll just go and help her.

Get everyone's attention, Toast. She'll say a few words. Yeah.

What's going on here? Just say a few words to welcome everybody.

Fuck...

40 years in the business

and it doesn't seem a day too long.

When Ray Purchase told me there was going to be a surprise party for me,

I was, of course, very, very thrilled.

So, everybody, just have a wonderful, wonderful time.

Hear, hear... To Jane...

Gah...

Oh, how lovely.

From Torville and Dean.

Sorry if I've been a bit out of it recently, Toast.

Thank you for visiting me.

I do hope you can stay for a while, I'm a bit lonely here.

Toast.

Ah, very well.

It's Parker Pipe. I've got to go.

Oh, don't leave me! You've just arrived!

I get so lonely here at the Mayfair House of Addiction.

Parker?

Toast! So you've officially got the job.

Welcome aboard, Captain.

This Masons lark is the bee's knees.

I thought we'd celebrate with an impromptu orgy.

I'll have a slice of this!

Oh, you fuck...

Basil Jet?

Is it now? Argh...

All right!

I've got to go, Pipe. Oh, well, what a shame. Never mind.

I'll see you on set.

You betcha.

Ooh...

Masons?

It is my duty to now begin tonight's initiation ceremony.

Is everything prepared for Junior Deacon?

Aye, Grand Master.

Will the head of ceremony please place the under-brother

unto the line.

'Mason...'

Remove his hood and step aside, sword bearers.

You've got to be fucking kidding! Toast! What are you doing here?!

Are you under-brother Steven Toast?

I am. Is this your doing, Ed?

Well, he seemed very keen. And he did pay his ?27.50.

I'm sure he did, but come on, old chap.

Silence.

What the f...

Right, you have one minute starting from...

now.

There's a magnet.

Erm, an onion?

Er... Framed photograph of Dan and Peter Snow.

Very well. The secret initiation ceremony shall now commence.

I would slit my own throat,

for, in the eyes of God, I am nothing but a fool and a beggar.

Mmmm...

I would slit my own throat,

for, in the eyes of God,

I am nothing but a fool and a beggar.

Mmm...

The time has now come.

Remove the brother's blindfold that he may see the light.

Ha! I'm in!

Yes! I am in.

He-hee!

Keep it on the square

It's a clandestine affair

Be silent or beware

Beware!

Keep it on the square

It's a clandestine affair

Be silent or beware

Beware!

Beware! Thunder and lightning!

Cannon fire!

Wind machine!

Snow machine! And...

action!

What a battle it was!

What a storm we endured!

And victory came at a great price!

Hold everything!

What the fuck do you want, Ray? What are you doing here? Cut!

Kill the wind, Chloe! You may be interested to know, brother,

that your big star up there only became a Mason to get this gig.

He joined up last night. What?! Is this true, Toast?

What does it matter? Of course it matters!

You have ridden roughshod

over ancient Masonic codes of practice!

Roughshod. We'll recast immediately with Ray as the Captain.

Terrific! Come on down, Toast!

I've just got up here! Are you coming down or not?

No! I still have my Chief Surgeon's amputation saw, Parker...

Get to work, brother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

It's a long way up. Don't be stupid, Purchase!

Purchase!

Purchase...!

Thanks, cabbie. Keep the change.

Thanking you, sir. Ya tight fuck, ya.

Mrs Purchase. Ooh, Toast. Here again?

Yes indeed. I was just in the area.

Getting a refund for the 27.50 I paid to the Freemasons.

I'm a little early. You're not, eh...

Come.

Kerb-crawler ahead!

Shit, you're for it now, Toast! Don't you worry, Mrs P.

Nothing to see here, Officer.

Sorry, brother, my mistake. Yes...

Ooh!

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