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1
00:00:03,320 --> 00:00:04,833
Steven, ready to go?
2
00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:07,718
Oh, have I introduced you
to our client, Nick Swivney?
3
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,109
Yeah, whatever. Can we just get on
with this, please?
4
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,510
Uh, Steven. This is Clem Fandango.
5
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:14,874
Yeah. I know who you are.
6
00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:21,558
- Can you hear me?
- Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fandango
7
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,315
- What do you want?
- Just letting you know we're ready to go.
8
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,913
He just said that!
9
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:29,196
You two are unbelievable!
10
00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:36,309
"The smooth taste of
Red Carpet cigarettes is coming
11
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:39,392
"to the Democratic Republic of Congo.
12
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,313
"Everybody knows that cigarettes are
good for you.
13
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:46,556
"Red Carpet cigarettes,
once you smoke one,
14
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:52,988
"you'll want more, and more, and more,
and more, and more, and more,
15
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,235
"and more."
16
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,071
NICK: Yes! (LAUGHING)
17
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:01,549
No!
18
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:06,749
That went well. The lady, Jane,
she's a fine, fine woman.
19
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,472
She's your agent, yes?
20
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,549
Yeah, she's my agent.
21
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,069
You are fucking her, yes? Eh?
22
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,069
No, I'm not. Look, am I done here?
23
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,351
Tell Jane hello from me.
24
00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:20,749
(LAUGHS)
25
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,314
(LAUGHING)
26
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:23,749
Eh?
27
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,791
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
28
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,436
India, which bloody button do I press?
29
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,353
- You just press play.
- Yes, I know!
30
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,595
- Killer whales?
- Well, I'm sure they train you.
31
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:04,669
Couple of hours in the morning,
32
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,194
you'd be performing with them
in the pool by lunchtime.
33
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,117
Why would you even suggest this, Jane?
34
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,590
I'm an actor, not a bloody whale charmer,
for Christ's sake.
35
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,513
You might want to watch your language
and remember who you're talking to, Toast.
36
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:16,589
(SLAMS LAPTOP SHUT)
37
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:21,272
Ah, murder mystery. Vengeful husband.
38
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,999
Rula Lenska's already said yes to the wife.
39
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:26,715
Cats.
40
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,677
Children's television.
41
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,276
(TO HIMSELF) Good God, never again.
42
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,951
So who's going on their holidays this
week? That's right, it's Jennifer.
43
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,678
Off you go, Steven.
44
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,114
(INHALES DEEPLY)
45
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,113
I wonder where Jennifer's going?
46
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,950
Oh shit, man, you're fucking kidding.
47
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:51,029
(SCREAMING)
48
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,559
How did you get on with Nick Swivney?
49
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,393
You know he's trying to flog cigarettes
to the Congo?
50
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,311
The poorest people in the world.
51
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,198
Yes. They're rather tasty, actually.
52
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,952
Why would you put me up
for something like that?
53
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:08,270
You're concerned for ethical reasons or
54
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:09,918
because someone might find out about it?
55
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,797
Because someone might find out about it.
56
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,757
Why can't you find me something decent?
57
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,593
I suggest a little rethink
on the Norris Flipjack advert.
58
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:17,669
Mmm-mmm.
59
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,513
You'll be shooting it
at his extensive woodland estate.
60
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,273
- No, I won't. Mmm-mmm.
- It's mega money, Toast.
61
00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,512
And any advert directed by Flipjack
has quality written all over it.
62
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,428
Nope.
63
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,269
Fantastic! This is going to be great.
64
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,114
Now, where's my star?
65
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:43,030
There he is. Fashionably late.
66
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:44,513
Hey Jackie, how you doing?
67
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:49,509
Phil, you old tiger! Barry! Chris!
Hey, Maxine, you're looking good!
68
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:50,874
MAXINE: Thanks, Ray.
69
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,672
- Ray bloody Purchase.
- Toast.
70
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:58,389
- How you feeling this morning, Ray?
- Well, what a night.
71
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,516
I tell you what, this cat really knows
how to throw a party.
72
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,794
- (CHUCKLES)
- But you wouldn't know about that,
73
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:02,915
would you, Toast?
74
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,070
Because you weren't invited.
How embarrassing.
75
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:08,436
Right. Let's make an advert.
76
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:10,515
I'm ready, let's go.
77
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:14,832
You heard him. Let's go.
Okay, first positions.
78
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:19,118
Turnover. Cue travellator, and...
79
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:21,629
Action!
80
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:23,349
('60s MUSIC PLAYING)
81
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,752
Okay, cut. Cut!
82
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,196
(GRUNTING)
83
00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:38,474
Right, that's lunch.
84
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,956
You jumped-up prick.
85
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:46,236
Whatever petty crap exists between
you and Ray Purchase
86
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,878
is of no interest to me.
87
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:52,639
But if it starts to jeopardise
the making of my advert...
88
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:56,679
I've gotta be honest with you, Flipjack,
I hate everything about your advert.
89
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,399
What kind of arsehole doesn't
like my adverts?
90
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,469
(SNORTS)
91
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:01,709
This kind of arsehole.
92
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:02,789
(COCKS GUN)
93
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,510
It's clearly a prop gun, Flipjack.
94
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,114
Really? Well, let's see, shall we?
95
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:12,034
If you don't say,
"I'm sorry, Norris, I love your adverts."
96
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,157
I... Put down that fox!
97
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,073
Barbequing defenceless animals.
You're insane!
98
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,278
Go on, fella, run for your life.
99
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,476
He's dead, you idiot.
100
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:24,754
(FIRES GUN)
101
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,760
Ah, didn't expect that, did you, Flipjack?
102
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,991
You see, Toast, what you don't know.
103
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,753
You see, Flipjack, what you don't know.
104
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,159
How's the barbeque going, guys?
105
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:37,634
He was barbequing a fox!
106
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,234
I wasn't barbequing it.
I was roasting it on a spit.
107
00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:42,914
It's the kind of thing that goes on all
the time in the countryside, Toast.
108
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:43,989
Get used to it.
109
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,392
- Now I fancy a fox burger.
- Tuck in, Ray.
110
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:51,071
- There you go, Toast.
- What's this for?
111
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:55,399
Bus fare. Don't bother coming back
after lunch.
112
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,109
(LAUGHING EVILLY)
113
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:58,874
(BOTH LAUGHING)
114
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,798
You're crass and so obscene
115
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,553
You're the man who has got everything
116
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,596
Without a sense of it all
117
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,998
How dare you speak to me
118
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,794
You're nothing but an amateur
119
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,189
Who sits and waits by the phone
120
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:25,110
I wish I was dead or on TV
121
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:29,359
Well, that's the kind of success thatyou will never see
122
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,871
You really are a joke!
123
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,030
I fail to see the humour
124
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,754
'Cause you've no sense of it all
125
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,076
(LAUGHING EVILLY)
126
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:51,316
- And he was barbequing foxes, you say?
- He was. He had one on a spit.
127
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,870
I believe he's in the Countryside Alliance.
He can do what he likes.
128
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,151
But as I told you, best not
to cross Norris Flipjack.
129
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,038
He will crush you like that.
130
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:03,235
(GLASS SHATTERING)
131
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,393
Yes. Well, I'm done with
all these shit jobs, Jane.
132
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:10,708
I've got a few quid in the bank.
133
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,837
It's not like I'm facing a massive
tax bill any time soon.
134
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,999
RAY: Good afternoon, I'd like to reportSteven Gonville Toast for tax evasion.
135
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:27,432
Unfortunately, Ray Purchase has reported
you to the tax people.
136
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:32,348
Why is he such a grass? You know,
I could kill him with a spoon.
137
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,237
Well, that may be so,
but brace yourself, Toast.
138
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:37,676
You now owe the tax people ?250,000.
139
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,598
(WHEEZES) Oh, God!
140
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,389
I thought you took care of
all the tax stuff, Jane!
141
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:45,595
Jane!
142
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,915
Look, you may have to take a few jobs
that don't particularly appeal for a while,
143
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,514
but this Harry Potter show will be great.
144
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:58,230
When I got into this profession, I had
no intention of entertaining anybody.
145
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,117
Least of all, children.
146
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:04,512
Actors can't always pick and choose,
Toast. Even very successful ones.
147
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,317
I know when things were a little lax
for John Nettles last year,
148
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,914
- he turned to a spot of poaching.
- Poaching?
149
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,912
Yes. Just to put food on the table
before his next job at the National.
150
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,592
- Really?
- Shall we?
151
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,835
Everything going well, Eric?
Still on the EastEnders?
152
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,398
(IMITATING) Leave it, aaaht, Pat.
(CHUCKLES)
153
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:28,949
(CLANGING)
154
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,509
- What the hell was that?
- Sounds like the back door.
155
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:34,588
(PANTING)
156
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:37,912
30 quid, the lot.
157
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,392
- How many rabbits?
- Three.
158
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,835
That's not a rabbit, it looks more
like a squirrel.
159
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,148
It's a rabbit.
160
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,357
I don't think so, John. We'd have to skin
them and all that.
161
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,989
But Juliet Stevenson could do all that
for you for an extra tenner.
162
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:53,673
Not really that keen.
163
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:58,029
Oh, right. Well, I'll try Tim Pigott-Smith.
164
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,954
Oh, God. You can't help yourself, can you?
165
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:04,318
- What do you mean, can't help myself?
- Name drop.
166
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,755
You can't get a sentence out
without "John Mills this
167
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,796
"or Tim Pigott-Smith that".
168
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,950
Go easy, Toast. Poor man's on his uppers.
169
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:14,632
Ah, you're right. I'm sorry, Nettles.
170
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:18,916
Good luck with your rabbits. And er,
give my love to the family.
171
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,511
I'll try Hugh fucking Bonneville.
172
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,754
I hope I never have to do anything
like that, Ed.
173
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,474
Well, looks like we're on for another
train strike, Toast.
174
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,552
Tell you, Thatcher would have sorted
that out with a single phone call to COBRA.
175
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:36,629
Indeed.
176
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:37,914
Hope you're not thinking of going anywhere.
177
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,718
That's the least of my troubles, Ed.
178
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,598
Jane's got me doing these shitty jobs to
pay off that tax bill.
179
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,398
How was that Harry Potter show?
180
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,119
The director was a wanker.
They're all useless.
181
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:51,716
I don't respect any of them. In fact,
I don't respect anybody.
182
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,354
- Really?
- Yeah, I can't think of a single person
183
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,637
on this earth that I have any respect for.
184
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,630
Have you ever thought of directing, Toast?
185
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:01,915
(GASPS)
186
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,598
Well, that's not a bad idea.
187
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:08,990
I think I'd be an excellent director,
now you mention it, Ed.
188
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:10,752
It might not be as easy as it looks, Toast.
189
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,319
Some actors can be a little difficult.
190
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,919
(PHONE RINGING)
191
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,951
- Toast.
- Calendar Girls.
192
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,075
What's that?
193
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,277
Oh, you must know about it, Toast.
A load of prim, middle-aged women
194
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,954
pose nude for a calendar
to raise money for charity.
195
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,349
- They pose nude for a calendar?
- That's correct.
196
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,749
- The Women's Institute?
- Indeed.
197
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,470
There's one thing I don't get, Jane.
198
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,630
Who the fuck would want
to buy something like that?
199
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,393
How dare you be so rude
about the WI, Toast.
200
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,195
Anyway, the producer and the
director for some reason
201
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:43,474
are very keen to meet you.
202
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,028
I suggested The Colonial Club
tomorrow afternoon.
203
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:49,112
- Who are they?
- Duncan Clench and Bob Fennison.
204
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,469
Never heard of them.
205
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:55,236
Oh, one tiny thing. Bob Fennison has a
very minor facial blemish.
206
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:56,355
Well, what's the matter with him?
207
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,158
Do you know, it's so minor
I don't even remember.
208
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,037
Anyway, we are well on the way
209
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,192
to paying off your
?250,000 tax bill. Toodle-oo.
210
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:06,715
- So, what was that, Toast?
- That was Jane.
211
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,870
She's got me a part in something
called Calendar Girls.
212
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:13,556
Mmm. The Women's Institute. Yes, I have
one of those calendars.
213
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,552
Ah, sounds weird. Like niche porn.
214
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:19,916
The ladies, mostly of the mature
variety and somewhat out of shape,
215
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,036
- are totally nude.
- Yeah, so I gather.
216
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,078
However, homemade cupcakes
and jars of chutney
217
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,197
discreetly obscure the more
intimate parts of their bodies,
218
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:32,353
leaving the viewers' imagination to picture
the erotic delights concealed beneath.
219
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,390
I might just go and see if
I can find my calendar.
220
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:43,237
- To check some dates.
- Yeah.
221
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,509
(SCOFFS)
222
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:51,273
Steven, I'm Duncan Clench, producer.
223
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:55,353
And er, this is Bob Fennison, our director.
224
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,635
- Hi, Steven.
- Something to eat?
225
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,198
Oh, erm, there's a menu.
226
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:05,035
Oh. Er, club sandwich for me, I think. Bob?
227
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,071
What has Jane told you
about Calendar Girls?
228
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,991
I presume you're
familiar with the production?
229
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:13,277
It's been touring constantly since 2008.
230
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,591
So everything's running very smoothly
at this stage.
231
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:20,559
You'll be playing the part
of the photographer,
232
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,269
which is an absolutely key role.
233
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,356
I can't operate a camera, does that matter?
234
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,637
Oh no, no, no, no. You won't be actually
taking any photographs.
235
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,918
So it's... No, what, what?
Erm, sorry about this, Steven.
236
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,115
We'll be back in a moment.
237
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:37,629
(INAUDIBLE)
238
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,597
- Sorry about that, Steven.
- Everything all right?
239
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,513
Oh no, it's just... Well, Bob was a bit upset.
240
00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:50,229
He thought he should be included
more in the, in the conversation.
241
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,073
Maybe we should include him more?
242
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,879
So, where will we be rehearsing
the play, Bob?
243
00:12:55,960 --> 00:13:00,397
Er, Eastbourne. Tomorrow. We've got a
fantastic bunch of actors.
244
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,438
- Shit.
- Oh. Er, sorry about this.
245
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,836
Steven, we're going to have to go.
I didn't let him answer your question
246
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:13,356
about meeting the cast and now he's furious.
247
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:17,029
- You probably noticed he's, erm...
- His erm...
248
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,997
- What?
- His...
249
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,593
- He's quite shy.
- Oh.
250
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:22,511
Doesn't really like being out in company.
251
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,160
Anyway, it's been very nice meeting you.
252
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,514
Oh, come on!
253
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,676
And we'll speak soon.
254
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,916
Fucking hell.
255
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,271
Anything can happen now.
256
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,269
Dead?
257
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,432
- Yes.
- What, both of them?
258
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:49,833
Yes. The police located their empty car
and two pairs of pyjamas at Beachy Head.
259
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,633
- Good God.
- They're working on a theory that they
260
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:56,349
went for a dip and whilst in the water,
Bob drowned Duncan
261
00:13:56,440 --> 00:14:00,831
and then drowned himself. There was
a really sad suicide note.
262
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,150
What? The police went for a dip
with Bob and Duncan?
263
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,913
- No!
- Well, wouldn't the police
264
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,594
have tried to stop Bob from drowning
Duncan before Bob drowned himself?
265
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,875
I wish you'd listen. Just Bob
and Duncan went for a dip.
266
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,359
So the police were watching from the shore?
267
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,476
No, the police weren't involved at this point!
268
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:17,189
- Ah-ha! Maybe it was an accident.
- There was a suicide note!
269
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:21,353
- Maybe it wasn't an accident.
- Bob was fiercely jealous of Duncan.
270
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,991
And according to the suicide note,
believed that Duncan was in love with you.
271
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:29,038
Did anything happen between
you and Duncan?
272
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:34,035
Did it fuck! No! We just went for a
drink. In fact, only I had a drink.
273
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:35,917
They had to rush off for a train.
274
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,150
Now the show's missing a producer
and a director.
275
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,468
I mean, producer doesn't matter,
276
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,518
but they really need a strong director
to break in the new cast.
277
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,114
- Yes.
- Sorry?
278
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:50,239
- I'll do it. Opportunity knocks.
- You want to be a director?
279
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,357
Yes, I would like to be a director.
And I think I'd be pretty good at it.
280
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,159
- Don't you?
- Well, it's not just the technical skills,
281
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,151
you need people skills as well, Toast.
282
00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,596
I've got people skills,
and a very good sense of humour.
283
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:01,749
(LAUGHING)
284
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,877
If you're directing, will you be able to
take on the role of the photographer?
285
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:09,077
It's a shit role, anyway.
Any halfwit could do it.
286
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:14,193
This Ed Howzer-Black and he'll be
playing the part of the photographer.
287
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:20,511
Yes. Now, the first scene we're going to
have a look at is...
288
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,431
Sorry to immediately interrupt, Toast.
289
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,948
Did you plan to have the ladies undressed
for this scene?
290
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,480
- This is just the rehearsal, Ed.
- I know. Wouldn't it help at all?
291
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,790
There might be something more
natural about it.
292
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,075
You're not even in this scene.
293
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,435
Why don't you go to your dressing room
and I'll see you at lunch.
294
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,590
No, I think I'll stay around
if you don't mind.
295
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,272
I'd quite like to see your directing style.
296
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,678
Well, I can tell you my directing style
297
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:48,039
will be very forceful indeed. Yes, I
intend to treat these people as cattle.
298
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,351
- Quite so, quite so.
- Yes.
299
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,598
All right, ladies, we need the
actresses called Jennifer and Alexandra.
300
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,069
Right.
301
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,794
Okay, this is the scene where you're
both worried about telling your husbands
302
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,031
that you're going to do
a nude calendar shoot.
303
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,712
Here we go... And...
304
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,075
Action!
305
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:16,358
Ooh, I am slightly worried about telling
my Burt. What are his mates
306
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:19,079
down the pub going to think? I...
307
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:25,154
Sorry, I forgot my line.
308
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:26,669
(LAUGHING)
309
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,159
You've forgotten your line?
310
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,074
I just assumed you'd be a bit
better prepared than that.
311
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,233
Okay, let's go again. Action!
312
00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:41,114
Ooh, I am slightly worried about telling
my Burt.
313
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,636
What are his mates down the pub
going to think? I...
314
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:51,159
- Sorry, I... I forgot my line.
- You did what?
315
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,996
- I forgot my line.
- (SHOUTS) What the fuck is wrong with you?
316
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,999
- Show her, her line.
- Erm...
317
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,592
And concentrate! And don't fuck it up!
Action!
318
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:07,872
Ooh, I am slightly worried about telling
my Burt.
319
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,396
What are his mates down the pub
going to think? I...
320
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,352
- Sorry, I...
- (IMITATING) I forgot my line.
321
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:22,479
Are you fucking retarded?
What the shit is between your ears?
322
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:27,076
Can I, erm, sorry, she's not really
responding to your direction.
323
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,632
- May I suggest a small piece of advice?
- What?
324
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,315
I think you could possibly be a little
more forceful with her.
325
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,676
- More forceful?
- Yes. A tad more aggressive.
326
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,593
- I'd give that a go. May well work.
- Okay.
327
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:51,150
Jennifer, I'll be to the point.
If you knacker this scene again,
328
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,198
I'll fucking fire you from this production.
329
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,989
And I'll replace you with an actress who can
actually act.
330
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:01,755
Action!
331
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:07,395
Ooh, I... I am slightly worried about telling
my Burt.
332
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:11,439
(NERVOUSLY) What are his mates
down the pub going to think? I...
333
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:13,839
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
334
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,229
- I...
- (INHALES ANGRILY)
335
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,755
- I... (WHIMPERS)
- (EXHALING CONTINUES)
336
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:26,270
Okay. So, Sally's just given you the news.
337
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,954
What's needed here is a small reaction,
338
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:33,079
because you don't want Sally to know
that you're upset. Right?
339
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:35,509
Action!
340
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,190
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
341
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:42,193
What the hell are you doing? I said a
small reaction, you fucking doughnut!
342
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:47,431
Let's give it one more try before I replace
you with a chimpanzee. Right?
343
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,638
Now pull yourself together! Action!
344
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,870
(CONTINUES SOBBING LOUDLY)
345
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,599
No! No, no, no!
346
00:18:55,720 --> 00:19:00,157
I say! You can't speak to our actors like that!
347
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:04,519
Is that Clench? Hang on, I thought
you were dead.
348
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:09,310
There was an incident. With Bob.
He tried to drown me.
349
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,155
- Ah.
- I drifted out to sea, but luckily I was
350
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:18,030
washed up just outside the theatre.
Why are you directing this production?
351
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:22,113
- I think you should leave this show!
- Well, screw you, sailor.
352
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,758
It's a shit show anyway.
353
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:27,958
Bunch of middle-aged tarts,
hiding their tits behind flower pots.
354
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,476
I can do much better than this. Come on,
Ed, we're going. Where is he?
355
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,596
- (CAMERA SNAPPING)
- What are you doing, Ed?
356
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,591
Just rehearsing a photography scene
with Alison here.
357
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,910
Never mind that. We've got to get back
to London.
358
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:39,951
- Unlikely, Toast.
- Why?
359
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,837
- Rail strike has gone ahead.
- Oh.
360
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:45,238
Anyway, Alison has just offered to put
me up for the night.
361
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:46,669
Really?
362
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:50,389
I could give you a lift back if you like.
363
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,196
- Great, where's your car?
- Oh, I... (STAMMERS) don't have a car.
364
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,152
What do you have?
365
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:00,989
Oh!
366
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,477
- What's the problem?
- It's...
367
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:11,035
I found the day's rehearsals very distressing.
368
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,270
You're an extremely aggressive director
369
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:21,196
and because I was a bit upset,
I may have forgotten
370
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,271
to put fuel into the tank.
371
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,113
(ALARM SOUNDING)
372
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,952
Oh, for fuck's sake!
373
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,950
(EXPLODING)
374
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,468
(TOAST COUGHING)
375
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:42,514
Good God.
376
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,596
God. Sorry about earlier.
377
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:54,840
I may have been a tad over the top.
No hard feelings.
378
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,635
MAN: Okay, stop there. Don't move,
whoever you are.
379
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:03,430
You know this is private land. Show
your face, ya bastard!
380
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,557
Toast? What the hell are you doing here?
381
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,438
I was in a plane that just crashed in
this wood.
382
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:14,479
A likely story. Is that really the best
you can come up with, Toast?
383
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:19,554
Oh, you'll be pleased to hear that my
advert that you hate so much
384
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:25,749
will be playing in over 100,000
cinemas across the world.
385
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:31,472
So your decision to walk
means zero royalties for you, fucknut!
386
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:32,549
(GROWLS)
387
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:36,235
And now I see you're reduced
to poaching.
388
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:41,152
The last resort of the out-of-work actor.
389
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,152
What are you talking about?
390
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,758
What's the quickest way back
to London, from here?
391
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,400
I'd say it's to run!
392
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:57,430
What the... Nettles? Again?
393
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:09,312
Yes. Unfortunately he's just been
in a plane crash.
394
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:14,229
No, it wasn't serious.
Only one person was killed.
395
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:18,950
I'm sure we can come to
a satisfactory resolution, Mr Cockatip.
396
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:20,909
Cockatip?
397
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,993
Oh, it's the tax man. Luckily
something's come in. Something big.
398
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:27,310
Big enough to pay off your tax bill
in one swoop.
399
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,435
What's the product?
400
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,954
Never mind what the fucking product is,
Toast.
401
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:34,157
You have no choice in this.
Here are your plane tickets.
402
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:36,390
Aeroplane tickets. Where am I going?
403
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:43,230
Okay, boys. Let's take a break.
Red Carpet cigarettes
404
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:46,869
is the number one brand in
the Democratic Republic of Congo.
405
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,832
Everybody loves the silky smooth taste
of the Red Carpet.
406
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,439
(BOTH) Red Carpet cigarettes,
407
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,796
the Democratic Republic of Congo's
number one favourite.
408
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:58,518
I'll have one, please.
409
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,673
Only 10 Congolese francs a packet.
410
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:09,112
Once you've smoked one, you'll want more
and more and more and more.
411
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:15,435
So take my handWe'll disappear to above the sun
412
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:21,193
To far from hereNo, I don't know you and you don't know me
413
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:25,108
I just had to talk to you, you see
414
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:29,113
So say you'll come, please come, girl
415
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,988
You could be the one for all I know
416
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:39,236
And I don't know you
417
00:23:39,286 --> 00:23:43,836
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