Original subtitles

Mind... the gap.

Mind... the gap.

Hello, uh, Steven, uh, could you do a quicker one?

Mind the gap.

Hello again. How about doing a funky one?

What does that even mean?

Who the fuck are you, anyway?

Sorry, Steven, let me introduce

Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.

Of course.

Right, Steven, um, may we try a couple of the traditional

readings again, where you emphasise the word "mind" and the word "gap"?

All right, are we rolling? Hi, Steven? This is Clem Fandango,

can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

So, the traditional delivery,

where you hit the word "mind" and the word "gap".

Thanks for clearing that up, Clem. All part of the service, Steven.

Hello, I've just had a thought.

Could you leave quite a long gap between the words "the" and "gap"?

Clown!

Mind...

the...

..gap.

Ha-ha! Let's have some fun. Try an even longer gap between those words.

Mind...

the...

What's your porn name, Ed?

Posh Dong Minge Muncher.

That's your porn name, is it? Yes.

So, Posh Dong was the name of your first pet

and Minge Muncher was your mother's maiden name?

Sorry?

Well, that's how you come up with your porn name.

You combine the name of your first pet with your mother's maiden name.

I haven't a clue what you're talking about, Toast.

Football. What's this, Ed?

That's the application form for the prostitutes

and celebrities blow football tournament. Blow football?

That's where people blow those tiny footballs around with

straws in their mouths? Yes.

The tournament is organised by my showbusiness charity, the River Rats.

It raises money for good causes,

and this year, I think it's for homeless ponies.

Ah. So, who takes part? Actors and prostitutes?

Well, technically, celebrities and prostitutes.

We get the odd footballer, but ironically,

they are not actually very good at blow football.

Do they team you up with a prostitute, or do you have to

bring your own? I always bring my own.

Why don't you take part, Toast? It's tremendous fun.

You must know some prostitutes? How about that Purchase woman

you're having an affair with? She's one, isn't she?

Well, she is, but she's also a very strong feminist.

I think she'd find the whole thing quite un-PC.

No-one took a blind bit of notice when Arthur Askey

and Tommy Cooper started it back in the '60s.

But nowadays, we'd get up the noses of those women's libbers

and killjoys at the BBC. Blow football with prostitutes?

This sounds right up my rue. Can I fill this in? Excellent.

It could be good publicity for you, too. Why don't you ask Mrs P?

Is she still with her husband? What's his name, um, Roy? Ray.

Ray bloody Purchase. What's he doing these days?

The man's penis is then inserted into the other man's anus.

This is most unnatural.

A man's penis is meant to go into a lady's vagina.

Not another man's anus.

Hear, hear! Very good.

That is the end of today's lecture.

I have to say, Swivney, that was a great talk.

The gays have had it all their own way for far too long in this country.

It really is super that you have the bottle to come here

and tell it like it is.

Yes, thank you, Ray Purchase.

I know we both abhor this rampant bum banditry

I see everywhere in your country.

Now, I'm meeting some anti-gay friends of mine in the local pub.

Would you like to come along? Oh, yes.

That sounds exactly like my idea of a great night out.

Don't touch me.

I'm home, my darling!

Had a few drinks,

with Swivney and the anti-gays.

They want me to help them inform people of the dangers of homo sex.

But in an entertaining way! Really?

Actually, I'd rather not know about it, it reeks of homophobia.

Nonsense. I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, God, I've had a skinful.

Then I look forward to you snoring really loudly.

Snoring! Never snored in my entire...

Toast! Don't you even bother to knock any more?

Where's your soppy husband? He's here, actually. In the bed.

Looks dead. He's probably just hung-over.

He went to an anti-gay lecture given by Nick Swivney. Oh, that idiot.

Mm, everybody got pissed in the pub afterwards.

Let's not talk, let's just do it.

Ohhh, yes!

Ed was talking to me about some celebrity

and prostitute blow football tournament.

Yes, Ray has asked me to partner him this year.

It's happening soon, isn't it? So, you know about it? Mm-hm.

Well, I was hoping you would partner me.

Oh, it's just, well, Ray and I...

Our marriage hasn't been great recently, I think

this could bring us together more.

I mean, I know a celebrities and prostitutes blow football tournament

is frightfully un-PC, but I think my marriage should come first.

I can get you the names of a few prostitutes, if you like. OK.

I have to say, I would quite like to win this tournament.

As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.

This is a bit weird, Mrs P. I'd like to go.

Maybe we should get a more up-to-date photo of you, Toast.

Now that you're playing more... mature roles.

No, leave it, Jane, it's fine.

I mean, it may be 30 years old, but as you can see,

I haven't changed one bit. Hmm. Erm...

You know, I'd really like to win this prostitute

and celebrity blow football tournament.

As you know, I'm fiercely competitive in everything I do.

I'm just worried it might be a little un-PC.

Not like you to think like that, Toast.

It isn't, is it? It's almost like

I turned into your friend, Ben Elton.

Or Gary Barlow!

Who?

Do you like Charles Dickens? Dickens? Yes, of course.

An offer has come in. To play Dickens?

Yes, would you like to play Dickens? Does Frank Bough like to party?

What?

Yeah, I'd love to play Dickens. No-one has done him properly.

Callow tried in his one-man show, but he was to camp.

Not like Dickens at all, he was more like Larry Grayson or...

Russell Brand! Mm-mm.

I'll find out some more details.

Toast.

Ah, Mrs Purchase. Where are you?

All right, I'll be right there.

That was Mrs Purchase, she's got some suggestions

for prostitutes to partner me in the tournament.

It's in a place called Springleys, on the Fulham Road. Springleys?

I don't know it. Is it a gentleman's club? Aah!

Ah, there you are. Sorry I'm late, took me ages to find this place.

I thought it was a club or wine bar.

Hop in.

Now, I've been looking at these.

Now, that's Lola, she is a really nice prostitute.

Paige, I mean, she's a great prostitute.

Ruby, one of the best prostitutes around. Yes.

Are any of these prostitutes good at blow football? You what?

Ed says you're not allowed to have sex with the prostitutes

during the tournament, so I may as well go

with the one that's the best at blow football.

Oh, you want Wendy Nook. Who?! Wendy Nook.

Yeah, she's a great prostitute.

Probably the best one at blow football. Fantastic.

Shall I give her a call?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I must say, you're looking very nice today, Mrs P.

Yes, very nice...

Hang on, my balls are about to fizz...

Are you sure, Jane? Yes, yes.

You look exactly like Dickens.

But are you sure I have to dress like him for the audition?

I think it shows great attention to detail on their part.

They're even sending a driver to pick you up. Mmm.

Not from here, unfortunately, but it shows they're keen.

Mmm. You still want to play Dickens, don't you? Of course.

Well, good.

What the hell is this?

Something's wrong here, Jane. Something's very, very wrong.

Yes, sorry, Toast. There possibly has been a misunderstanding here.

The finer details may have been on the attachment

and I, I rarely read attachments!

They think I'm a tour guide.

I presumed you were being picked up and taken to the audition.

No, no, they think I'm a tour guide.

So, you don't want to be a tour guide?

Of course I don't want to be a bloody tour guide, Jane, I'm an actor!

Is there a pension scheme with tour guides?

Anyone there you could talk to about that? Is there a what?

Pension?

Acting's a shaky profession, Toast, and there'll come a time,

fairly soon, when you won't be able to act any more.

This could be an opportunity for you.

I'm not a tour guide, Jane, I'm an actor.

We all have to take our last bow at some point, Toast.

We've had our fun over the years, but this could be a dignified way out.

I'm just, I'm looking at the long-term option.

What, and end up as a tour guide?!

Um, yes.

Jane, that's probably the worst idea you've ever had

and if I wasn't such a nice guy I'd tell you to stick it up your Khyber.

How are you talk to me like that. And don't make that face.

If I were you, sunshine, I'd learn the tour guide ropes,

because I've a feeling you'll be back, cap in hand!

You just drive around all day, do you? Yeah.

Your job satisfaction must be nil.

I'd probably throw myself in the Thames.

Whoa, you can't get on here! It's a tourist bus.

That's what I want, I want a tour of the London.

Well then, you need to go to Piccadilly Circus.

No, I have a tourist ticket, which allows me on tour.

Best let her on, I can't be doing with the arse ache.

He says go up.

Let her go up, then keep on eye on her. Why?

A lot of them piss on the bus. Really? Yes.

Unless you keep on eye on them, they piss on the bus, you know what people are like.

Leave your sight for one second, they're going to start acting up.

Let her go upstairs, keep an eye on her.

I'm not a tour guide, I'm a bloody actor.

Are you now? Look, do as a favour, mate, anything happens,

it's me what's going to wear it, innit?

God.

What's that? I don't know, I'm an actor, I'm not a tour guide.

If you don't tell me about the sights, I'll tell your boss you touched me.

You'll do what? Yes, I will scream, help, he's touched me!

And then you go on sex offenders list.

Help! He's touching me! All right, all right!

God.

There's a council house.

Use megaphone, please.

There's a council house.

There's a lamppost.

Er, that looks like an abattoir. Some historic facts, please.

God knows. Um...

London was built in the 13th century.

Mostly made of straw.

Then a great fire came and knackered the lot.

And Dick Whittington is considered to have been a very popular Lord Mayor.

I dread to think what he'd make of modern London,

what with these gay marriages and all.

Ray bloody Purchase.

Toast.

What the hell are you doing on that bus?

Is that Nick Swivney?

It's a Beefeater anti-gay tour of London.

Can't you read?

How pathetic.

Who are you meant to be?

Gandhi. What?

No, I'm Charles Dickens, you berk. Never mind that.

What the hell were you doing asking my wife to partner you

in the celebrity and prostitutes blow football tournament?

Well, your wife's a prostitute. You shut your mouth, Toast!

My wife's not a prostitute.

Well, not in the conventional sense. Oh, come on, Purchase.

Everyone in London knows your wife's a prostitute.

You take that back, Toast. That's a slur, a bloody slur. No, it isn't.

Only difference is she doesn't do it for money.

Unless it's with you.

She's not a prostitute.

Yeah? But then what the shit is that?

Bye-bye, Purchase.

Excuse me. Yes? Are you Wendy Nook?

It's 60 for a hand job, 80 for a blow job and 95 for the full kahuna.

No, I understand you play blow football.

It's another tenner for blow football.

How did you get that?

I fell out of a tree.

I'm Steven Toast. Mrs Purchase gave me your name,

said you were the best in the business.

I mean, where blow football is concerned.

Do you want to play afterwards, or before, boy?

No, no, you misunderstand. I'm not interested in the other.

I want to win,

the River Rat Celebrity and Prostitute Blow Football Tournament,

and I want YOU to be my partner.

What's in it for me?

It's for a good cause. Yeah? What?

Homeless ponies?

Ooh.

Really? Yes. You're telling me there are homeless ponies? Yes.

Gawd almighty.

That's dreadful.

A very touching plight...

It's really quite sad.

I'm in. Ha-ha! Yes. Oh!

Oh, yes.

Ah, Toast. Ed, this is... Posh Don!

You two know each other?

Er, not that I recall. Hi, Posh. Hi, Posh. Mmm.

Toast, this is Fifi. Hi there.

Who the hell are these celebrities? I don't recognise anyone.

Yes, me neither. I'm told they're mostly stand-up comedians and X Factor runners-up.

Still, it's all for a good cause.

Toast. Ray Purchase.

Hi, everyone. We're going to win.

You know that, don't you, Toast? I wouldn't be so certain, Purchase.

Oh, I've never lost a game of blow football in my life,

and I'm certainly not going to lose to you.

In fact, you know what?

I'm so confident we're going to win, that if we don't, I'll...

Do whatever I ask you. What?

If you lose, you'll do whatever I ask of you.

Well, come on, if you're so bloody sure of yourself!

Oh, I'm so bloody sure of myself, Toast.

OK, so if you lose, you'll do whatever I ask you to?

However disgusting or degrading? WHATEVER I ask you to?

Yes.

- Ha! You heard him, everyone. - Yes!

We are definitely, definitely not going to lose.

Ray, are you sure this is wise? It's all right, darling.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

It's without any risk whatsoever, because we will win this tournament.

So, what happens next, Ed?

Well, Toast, you're Team A and you're drawn against Team D,

who are Ralph Fiennes and his partner, Thumper,

who are over there. Ralph.

The first team to get to ten goals wins

and qualifies for the next round on a simple knockout basis.

Excellent. Are you ready, Wendy? Brilliant.

Yay!

Boom!

Yes!

Come on!

And so, we have a very exciting final in prospect,

between Team A, Toast and Wendy Nook...

..and Team E, Mr and Mrs Ray Purchase.

Let's see who are this year's

Prostitutes and Celebrities Blow Football champions!

Right, 9-9! Next goal wins.

No, no, no!

Yes! Yes!

Yes, I told you, Toast.

We are the champions. Suck on that, Sydney!

Just a moment, Ralph Fiennes wants a word.

What's this about?

What does he want?

Um, Ralph Fiennes has told me something.

What did he say, Ed?

He tells me that Mrs Purchase isn't really a prostitute.

Yes, she is! That's not what you said on that bus, Purchase.

My wife's not a prostitute. That's what you said.

The whole of London heard you.

Oh, Ray. It's sweet, I'm really touched.

I said not in the conventional sense, doesn't get paid for it,

but she's eligible for this, surely.

Let's not forget that we're all here to raise money for homeless ponies.

That's the main thing. No, I'm sorry, Purchase.

She doesn't get paid for her services, so she is not strictly a prostitute.

Hang on, Ed, how does Ralph Fiennes know that?

OK. Um...

I paid her a few times. What did you say?

I said, I've paid her a few times.

How sordid.

Paying your own wife to have sex with you. Ray!

That was our little secret.

Paying your own wife to have sex with you is not proper prostitution.

Therefore, I'm afraid Ray and Mrs Purchase are disqualified.

Which means that Toast and Wendy Nook are deemed to be this year's champions!

Well, well, well.

You know what this means, don't you, Purchase?

That you now have to do EXACTLY what I want.

I don't remember agreeing to that.

I'm afraid you did, old chap.

- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.

Damn right. You did. Damn straight.

Now, let's see what I can come up with.

Ooh.

You really were a bit silly, Ray, making that rash bet.

You've got no-one to blame but yourself.

What's going to happen now, Purchase is we're going to get down to business, like this. Hey!

Oh, grow up, Ray, you're acting like a spoilt child. Ooh!

And I'm going to pleasure your wife orally, much like this.

Oh, God that's good.

Ooh!

Now we proceed to conventional doggy style intercourse. Ooh!

Much like this! Ooh!

I'm sure you've noticed, Ray Purchase,

that I'm not wearing a sheath. Oh!

So there's a fair chance she'll become pregnant,

with my child! Oh! Ah!

Oh, Ray, stop being so childish.

This is good, Ray Purchase.

Very natural.

Hey!

Gap!

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