All language subtitles for Til Death s04e18 Big Man, Little Man.eng

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www.addic7ed.com

And I win again, Eddie.

Yep. I tell you what,

I'll let you win
every time,

You keep inviting me to
your swanky club here, Tommy.

Oh, any time, Eddie.

And, actually, I wanted
to get out of the house.

Oh, yeah? What,
are you having trouble

With the young,
hot wife?

Yeah, there's
something wrong with her.

It's like, uh,
she's broken.

Like one of her toys.

What do you mean?

Well, a couple
of weeks ago,

She started talking,

And I thought it was just a
phase she was going through.

But then,
she wouldn't stop.

And the worst part
about it

Is she wants me
to listen.

And she's not even wearing
lingerie when she does it.

Well, what does she
want to talk about?

All I know is,
it's not about me.

And giant words
like "connection,"

"emotion," "I feel."

It's like, I don't know,

My wife is starting
to act like, uh...

A wife?

Yeah. It's disquieting.

I had a wife once,
and I had it removed.

Hmm. Can't you see
what's happening?

Your little girl is
becoming a woman,

With her own
needs and wants.

All I want
is what I paid for:

A hottie
with an iron stomach

Who fulfills every one of
my sick, twisted desires.

Is that
too much to ask?

Well, I...

What?

Well, when you fly,

Do you have to buy an
extra ticket for that thing?

No, I just
hold it in my lap

During takeoffs
and landings.

So, you gonna join me
in the shower?

No, no.

Go...go ahead.
Suit yourself.

The thing
was enormous

And it was terrifying.

I mean, he should...he should just
put it in a cage and feed it mice.

It should be hanging in the
window of the carnegie deli.

If you put arms
on the thing,

It could have been bill
walton's stunt double.

And here's the thing.

Listen, it was still
in the sleep mode.

It wasn't
even angry yet.

Ok, I got it.
It was big.

Yeah, and that was even
after his rabbi took his 10%.

All right.

It was huge.

And it was uncalled for.

And it's left me
very shaken,

Because all I can keep thinking
about is my little pea shooter.

Oh, stop it, Eddie.

You're fine.

Come on.
It gets the job done.

"gets the job done?"

Yeah.

That's like saying,
"you're the tallest dwarf."

Stop it. There's
nothing wrong with you.

Nothing wrong. Come on.

I'm built like
an asian child.

No, you're not.

I mean, look,

It's all about
proportions anyway.

I mean, if your thingy
was on, I don't know,

Your friend Whitey,
it would be almost average.

"almost average."

Ok, average.
I don't know.

Listen, I've learned
to live with it.

So can you.

Hey, listen,
you two.

Surprise.

I have here a picture
of your baby.

Oh, is that a printout
of the sonogram?

No, I did a sketch of what I
think the baby might look like.

Of course it's a
printout of the sonogram.

Don't you want
to see it?

No, no, no.

That's why I didn't come
into the room before.

Because I don't want to
know the sex of the baby.

I want it to be
a surprise.

All right. Well then,
wait outside.

Allie, can I
ask you something?

How did you hook up
with this mook?

What'd you do?
Lose a bet?

No, I love him.

I mean, he's
a little odd and strange,

But he's really sweet

And he has
a really big heart.

Well, apparently, your son takes
after him as far as "big" goes.

But it's not his heart
I'm talking about.

Check that out.

Holy moly.

Hey, how was the
doctor's appointment?

It was great.
The baby's healthy.

You know,
10 fingers, 10 toes,

Nose in the right place.

Oh, that's amazing!

Did you find out
the sex?

Yeah, but Doug
doesn't wanna know.

But I don't give
a damn about Doug.

Is it a boy or a girl?

Mom, I can't tell you

Because if you know,
you're gonna tell dad,

And then, if we all know
and Doug doesn't,

Well, that's not fair.

Allie!
It's a boy.

It's a boy!

Come here.

Oh, it's
a little boy.

Oh, it's
exciting news.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

But it's also
a little worrying.

Why?

Well, I don't know
how to raise a boy.

I mean, all I know
is girl stuff.

You know,
little dresses and dolls.

Little pink bows.

So, raise a gay man.

It'll be easier.

We can all get
mani-pedis together.

Doug and I could do that.

Well, heck. I thought he
was gay when I first met him.

The first couple of weeks
we were going out

I kept trying to fix him up
with my friend paul.

Hey, listen.
He knocked you up.

I'm still not convinced he's straight.

But seriously, mom.

How do you raise a boy?

I don't know.

I mean, I always thought
that, given the chance,

I would raise a boy
to be the kind of man

That every woman
would want.

Sensitive.

But strong.
Strong.

Artistic.

But able to fix a toilet.

You're gonna raise
the most amazing guy

In the history
of amazing guys.

The world's first ever
gay straight guy.

I'm so excited.
Yeah, me too.

Hey, wait.

Is that
the ultrasound?

Yeah, it is.

Take a look.
Ok.

This kid could be a
major league pitcher.

Look at the arm
on him.

Oh, that's not his arm.

Holy canoli.

What's up, little buddy.

Why? What have
you heard?

Oh, just that there's fresh
crullers in the teacher's lounge.

I thought you'd wanna know
before the piggies get to 'em.

Yeah, ok.

No...no, thank you.

Oh, ok.

What's wrong?
You seem a little down.

Why do you have to use
the word "little"?

What is it with everybody
and their obsession with size?

What, do you think, just
because something is bigger,

It's necessarily better?

Wouldn't you
be happier with a...

With a fuel efficient
compact car, huh?

No, actually.

I'd rather have
a big, powerful car.

Something with
a lot of horses

That can dominate
the road

And tear through traffic
like a missile.

Ok. I don't want to talk
about this anymore.

But I don't even know
what we're talking about.

All right. Why do you...let
me ask you something.

Do you think women
really mean it

When they say that
size doesn't matter?

No.

Would you like to maybe

Think about the question
for a second?

No. No,
that's just a lie

That women tell to guys who haven't
been blessed by the love God.

No, size really matters.

It's like in "jaws."

Remember when
roy scheider said,

"we need a bigger boat"?

Well, he was telling
the truth.

They needed
a bigger boat.

Ok.

How about you,
Whitey, huh?

Do you need
a bigger boat?

Ha! No, I need
pearl harbor.

I have got
an aircraft carrier, Eddie.

I tell you, other people
worry about crabs.

I worry about barnacles.

I don't get into bed,
I drop anchor.

Ok.
When I say...

Ok, all right.

I, uh...but you're
pulling my leg, right?

Well, it's similar, but
mine doesn't wear a shoe.

It's funny,
you know,

I never thought that
about you.

I know. No one does.

But sometimes, big surprises
come in small packages.

Sometimes, small surprises
rattle around in big, giant boxes.

Oh, Eddie.

Are you telling me that...

Uh, I'm afraid so.

Oh, hug.

All right.

Oh, that reminds me.

I need to pick up
some triple "a" batteries.

All right.

Very funny.
All right.

Just kidding you, ok.

Look, what does it
really matter anyway, huh?

I'm sure you do just fine.

Hey, you caught a fish
with the bait you had.

Well, that's true.

And Joy does say that
she's pretty darn satisfied.

Well, yeah.
There you go.

You know, and there's
a very real chance

That she's
telling the truth.

Plus, you know,
people look at you

And they assume that you're
blessed like a stallion.

Yeah. More like
a scallion.

Well, Eddie, I think
all you really need

Is just a change
of attitude.

Think big.

Stand tall. Walk proud.

You know, bluff.

Limp a little
if you have to.

Hey, you know what?
Maybe you're right.

What people don't
know won't hurt me.

That's exactly it.

Hey, Whitey,
one other thing.

This is...

This is just
between us, right?

Absolutely. This is
our "little" secret.

Oh, right.
"little," yeah. Ok.

I get it. Ok.

Come in!

Well.

Hello, neighbors.

Hi, Tommy.

I'm up here.

I realize that.

Eh, one more second.

Ok, done.

So, where's Eddie?

Eddie's not here.

Well, that's good. I wanted
to talk to you, anyway.

Really?

So...

What you making?

Oh, I'm just,
egg salad.

I'm up here.

I see Eddie's told you
about my trouser cannon.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

I can see it in your
wide, frightened eyes.

How can I help you, Tommy?

Well, my wife's
been talking

And I just
want her to stop.

I want her to go
back to being

The quiet plaything
that I married.

So, uh, how much do you think
this is going to cost me?

Have you ever considered
that it's not about the money?

That's an
interesting concept.

Let me consider it. Nope.
It's all about the money.

You know, I don't know how
this could possibly be true,

But perhaps she wants
to connect with you

On a deeper level.

Well, we connect
every evening at 7:30 P.M.

We play
raise the titanic.

Then we sink it.

I figure
what doesn't kill her

Just makes her stronger.

She's got the pain
threshold of a mule.

Sometimes
I tell her,

"tap out, baby.
Tap out."

God, I wish I could
tap out right now.

Listen, I am desperate
to end this conversation.

I'm starting
to hyperventilate

And the world's
a little hazy.

I'm sure April
knows the feeling.

Listen, let me just cut to
the chase on this, Tommy, ok?

She doesn't want
your money.

She wants your attention.

She wants a grown-up,
loving relationship.

One that doesn't involve
a safe word.

You mean like "gerbil"?

Ok, let's go. Come on.

Go home, Tommy.

Tell April
that you love her.

Just before you put
her down for her nap.

Ok, but I still think
it's about the money.

Speaking of way...

No, no, no. I don't want
your money, Tommy.

And April doesn't, either.

She just...she wants the same
things that every woman wants.

Got it. A blind fold
and dramamine.

Out.

Look. I've told you
everything I know.

Well, we're going
to keep playing gitmo

Until I get
the answers I want.

Now.

What is
Eddie Stark's secret?

Eddie's my friend. I
can't betray his trust.

I promised him
I wouldn't.

You'll talk.

When I'm done with you,

You'll be chattering
like a school girl

In the theater lobby
after watching "twilight."

Now, what is Eddie
Stark's secret?

No. Never, mistress.

If you don't
tell me,

I'll drop you
in a tub of milk

And teach you what "lactose
intolerant" really means.

She's bluffing.

She's bluffing, Whitey.

Don't tell.

Don't tell her.

Stay strong.

All right, all right.
It's tiny.

He's got an innie.

It's a cocktail frank.
It's a toe with no nail.

It's a uvula.

I knew it!

Now I'm going
to tell everyone.

You hear me?
Everyone!

Joy! Joy.

I had such a terrible
dream, honey.

Everyone.

What? What's the matter?

I had a dream.

Oh, Joy, I had
a terrible dream.

Terrible dream!

Come on. Relax, Eddie.

You had a nightmare.

It happens to everyone.

Everyone.

Hey, how you doing,
Whitey?

Hey, "mi compadre."

How's it hanging?

Fine.

And so, how
was your evening?

Hopefully, uneventful?

Actually,
just the opposite.

I got the rope burns
to prove it.

Oh? You were with duffy
last night?

Oh, "with" is a little
too gentle a word.

Uore like "ruined by,"

"catastrophized,"

"reamatated."

I see. Well, I'm assuming that
my name didn't come up, right?

Well, not that I recall,

But since I have
a concussion,

I'm not really
a very reliable source.

What is Mrs. Rooney
yakking about over there?

I have no idea.

I was this close
to peeing my pants.

Oh, God!
It's hilarious.

Yeah.

I really miss dom deluise.

Well, they sure do
find something funny.

Baby gherkin?

What?

You look like a man who
would enjoy a little pickle

Unless you've already got
a little pickle.

Have you got
a little pickle, Eddie?

Get away from me,
Raj, will you?

What's the matter, Eddie?

You seem
a little jumpy.

Nah, it's just I didn't get
enough sleep last night.

That's all.

Listen up, everybody.

I have a teeny,
weenie announcement.

The results are in from
our academic decathlon,

And I am proud
to announce

That dick little
came in second place

Right behind
peter short.

All right, all right.

Stop mocking me.

What's that,
Mr. Stark?

People cannot control
what they're born with.

We don't laugh
at little people

Or freckle-faced redheads.

Or foreigners
with funny names.

What gives you the right
to poke fun at me?

What are you
saying, Mr. Stark?

You know exactly
what I'm saying.

Ok, so what?

So, I'm not very
well-endowed?

So, I'm packed
for carry on?

Who cares?
I'm still a person,

And I still
have feelings.

Eddie, what the hell
are you doing?

Don't act so innocent,
Mr. Aircraft carrier.

It's obvious that you
told duffy everything

And it is clear that
she has told everyone.

Everyone!

Well, you know what?
I am proud of who I am.

That's right.

Say hello to
my little friend!

Say hello!

Little friend.

Eddie, I did not
say a word.

I couldn't.

I had a big rubber ball
in my mouth all night long.

Yeah, remarkable as
it may seem, Mr. Stark,

We hardly spend any time
talking about your thingy.

Or lack thereof.

You didn't tell her?

No, I didn't.

It was our little secret,

And I would have
carried it to the grave.

But now he
doesn't have to

Because your little
secret's out.

Not very far out,
but out.

Hey, babe. How was work?

Well,

It's a long story, but
just consider yourself lucky

That you weren't in the
teachers lounge today

When I revealed
to the world

That my yankee doodle
wasn't dandy.

What?

Babe, no. Why are you
so obsessed with this?

You're fine.

And dandy.

You're perfect.

You're the love
of my life.

I can't imagine myself
with anyone else.

Even with my
shortcomings?

You don't have
any shortcomings.

Your hand is made
for my glove.

Your smart car was built
for my garage.

Hey! I have something that is
going to make you feel better.

Yeah?

I hope you're ready.
What's that?

It's your grandson.

Really?

Why does
he have a tail?

That is no tail,
my friend.

Hominah, hominah. Joy,
this is great news.

The Stark curse
has been broken.

You are redeemed
by your grandson.

What?

What? What did
you just say?

Ahem. Nothing.

Did you just say
"grandson"?

No, I didn't.

No, she said
"grand fun,"

As in, "won't it be
fun to have a grandson."

Are we having
a baby boy?

Yeah, honey. A beautiful baby boy.

That's fantastic.

Aw, you're not mad
that you know?

No! Why would I be mad?

This is...this is
great news.

Hey, you wanna
see the picture?

Yeah.

Goes that way.

Thank you.

Well, I see he
takes after his father

In the lady-pleasing
department.

And the hits just
keep on coming.

You don't follow
a guy to ecuador

Just because he's funny. Nope.

Come on. Let's go put his
picture on our website.

Oh, ok.

See you guys later.

All right.

Yeah, they don't
have a house

But they have
a website.

Come in.

Hi, neighbors.

Hey.
Hey, how you doing?

What's new, Tommy?

Aw, just
April's ring.

Show 'em, honey.

Bling bling.

Hey, it turns out it
was all about the money.

That's right.

I didn't want
an emotional connection.

I just wanted
a really huge diamond.

Aww. Ain't
love grand?

More like 50 grand.

Well, if you'll
excuse us,

We're gonna take
the top down

And go for a ride.

Didn't know you
had a convertible.

We don't.

He's got everything.

He's got her,

The money.

If that thing of his didn't
weigh him down so much,

He'd be my height.

I wanna be shorter.

Hey, you know what?

I'd follow you
to ecuador

Just 'cause
you're funny.

You would?
Yes, I would.

Well, let's go
to ecuador.

I just...

Is that a quarter
on the floor?

I don't know.

Let me move vlad the
impaler out of the way

So I can see.

Nope.

Well, I'll...

I would like to come
and walk down.

Yeah, I could...

I think I could do
false anger differently.

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