All language subtitles for Til Death s04e08 The Check Up.eng

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And she has never
given an interview.

It sounds like an episode
of "CSI could care less".

If I could get Helga
to talk to me,

I will have an eyewitness
account for my book.

Well, that's important,

Since there's no footage
of the "hindenburg" going down.

Thanks for the support.

You're welcome.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm in the middle of an
article about a honey colonic.

Honey colonic...

That's the worst name for
a stripper I ever heard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is about getting healthy.

Which reminds me, when was the last
time you went to see the doctor?

When I went
to see Simona.

Babe, that's like
a year ago.

Look, you don't go to the
doctor if you're not sick.

It's like going to the
whorehouse when you're not horny...

I think.

Come on, Eddie.
We have a partnership here.

I take care of myself for you.

Therefore, you are obligated
to take care of yourself for me.

I don't wanna go
to the doctor, honey.

Come on. You take your car in
for a checkup, don't you?

Yeah,
every 15,000 miles.

Yeah? How many miles
you t on you, Eddie?

2,000 single,
8 million married,

And they're hard miles,
Joy. They're off-road.

Are you gonna force me
to nag you into this?

Honey, after all this time,
I am immune to your nagging.

Not this new strain I've got.

It goes like this...

Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.

Get a checkup, Eddie. Get a
checkup, Eddie. Get a checkup, Eddie.

Get a checkup, Eddie.
Get a checkup, Eddie.

Get a checkup, Eddie. Get a
checkup, Eddie. Get a check...

Up, Eddie. Get a checkup,
Eddie. Get a checkup, Eddie.

All right. For God's
sakes, I'll get a checkup.

And we have a winner. I already
made you an appointment with Simona.

Hey, listen. Don't forget we're
having dinner with them tonight.

Hey, is there anything in my
life that you haven't planned?

Uh, as a matter of fact,
I haven't quite settled

On the date or cause
of your death,

But I've got
some really fun ideas.

Well, hopefully it'll happen
before the end of this conversation.

You know what? It could.

What do you want
for breakfast?

A big bowl of shut-up.

Come on, Eddie!
You gotta eat something.

Honey, I have a cholesterol
test I-in 2 days,

And the only thing
that I like to eat

Is fried fat,
so I'm going on a fast

So I'll have a clean bill of
health to nail to your forehead.

Eddie, you've gotta
eat something.

Breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.

Yeah, if it's
so damn important,

Then why do people eat
it in their underpants?

You've gotta eat, Eddie.
You've gotta eat, Eddie.

You've gotta eat, Eddie.
You've gotta eat, Eddie.

And that's why I chopped her
up and ate her, your honor.

Nah, they'd never
convict me.

I heard, uh,
Simona's bringing you in

Tomorrow
for a little up-yours.

Oh, by the way, thank you
for squeezing Eddie in.

Actually, I'll be
squeezing in Eddie.

Honk honk. Prostate humor.

Hopefully we can skip
that part of the exam.

I love going
to the doctor.

I even get
my hair blown out

Before I go to
the gynecologist.

Me, too.
Plus I get a pedicure,

And I clear
the landing strip.

She sure does.

Ah, I think we all
mow the lawn

Before the company
comes over, huh?

Joy, what are
you having?

Ah, I think I'm gonna
stick to the salads.

I've worked too hard
to lose these 6 pounds.

I'm gonna have
the ravioli.

You look good,
too, Simona.

Have you lost a
little bit of weight?

You look so cute.

Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, and, Joy...

Yeah?

Would you pass
the bread, hon? Thanks.

Sure.

Hey, you guys
wanna come over

Tomorrow night
for a little poker?

Yeah, sure.

Ooh, that sounds
like fun.

Who are those people over
there? They look familiar.

Oh, that's our neighbors,
the haynies.

Oh. I didn't recognize
them with their clothes on.

Are they nudists?

No. God! They...

They had a gas leak
when they were doin' it,

And they ran out
into the yard.

Got their video on my
phone if you wanna...

Oh, you know, we should
go say hello to them.

This is gonna be
really quick.

She hates me, but not
as much as I hate her.

Hey, betty haynie.

How could you invite them
over after what she just did?

What did she
just do?

Ok, I gave Simona
a compliment,

And all she said was,

"Thank you."

Right.
Yeah.

Yeah, nothing else.
Nothing.

Not, "so do you."
nothing. Just "thank you."

Well, what is she
supposed to say?

Well, when someone
gives you a compliment,

When someone says
that you look cute,

You're at least obligated
to say, "so do you."

Even if it's a lie?

Especially
if it's a lie.

Yes, and it usually is.

I mean, she didn't
look that cute.

I just thought
that I looked cute,

And I wanted
to hear her say it.

Oh, that's silly.
No, it is not silly.

Eddie, do you think
I lost 6 pounds for you?

No, women lose weight
to impress other women.

Well, you know what?
I'm not gonna play

Your little
girlie drama here.

I think you're
exaggerating.

Relax.
Mm-mmm. No.

I am not
exaggerating,

And I will
prove it to you,

Because when she
comes back over here,

I am gonna compliment her
on her ugly shoes,

And she probably won't even
compliment my ugly shoes in return.

Those people look a lot
better with their clothes on.

Well, most people do.

That's why we pay the pretty
ones to take 'em off, huh?

Simona, I was just
noticing your shoes.

They are fantastic.

Thank you.

A giant!

He's going
to kill us!

What's with
all the kids?

We share an office
with a pediatrician.

Well, why aren't
they in school?

They're sick.

This is not my fault.

I blame the poor diets of
the overfed american children

And the poor
craftsmanship

Of the underfed
chinese children.

Wanna hear
a secret?

Didn't your mother
tell you

Not to talk
to strangers?

He's just my stepson.
Go ahead.

Ok, what is it?

Come here.

I have a cold.

So when did you start sharing
your office with a pediatrician?

Oh, about 6 months ago.

Eddie, my business
has tripled.

Children are like
little germ factories.

You know what I say
to Stephen when I get home?

I say, "what recession?"

Ok, good for you.

Time to update your chart. We'll
start with a little q-and-a.

Okay. How much
do you drink, Eddie?

Well, usually whatever's left
after Joy passes out, so...

Nothing.

Ok, what about drugs?

Are you takin' any?
You gettin' high?

You turnin' on?
You tweakin'?

What kind of... what kind of
clientele do you get here?

Oh, soccer moms and
members of the clergy.

No, Simona. No drugs.

So, Eddie,
how's your sex life?

Are you still ridin' the bull,
or you down to clown duty?

How many times are you
doing it annually?

Aw, we don't even use the
back door to the house.

No, I said, "annually."

Is this relevant, or do you
and Stephen have a bet going?

Heh heh.
You know me too well.

You do. All right,
we're gonna do an ekg,

A stress test,
and a full blood panel.

Ka-ching.
Sounds expensive.

Ah, Eddie, you cannot put
a price on a beach house.

I mean your health.

What?!

This is kind of exciting.

I feel like we're invited
to play with the big kids

I know. It's kind of
cool, isn't it?

Yeah, and kind of scary.

You'll be fine.

Let's go over
the rules again.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Number one...

Don't provoke my father.

See, I think he's really
startin' to like me.

Yeah.

Remember that
documentary about the...

About the
grizzly bear, Doug?

The guy thought that
the bear liked him, too,

And then the bear ate him and pooped
him out all over the alaskan peninsula.

You're right.

Number 2,
none of the business

About saying you're
living in a sitcom.

No, no, no, no.
Of course not.

We're not gonna treat
Stephen and Simona

Like they're just
the funny neighbors.

Besides,
they're too perfect.

In a sitcom, the
neighbors are never smarter

And better-looking
than the leads.

And finally,
most importantly...

Compliment my mother.

If it looks like
she's getting upset,

Ask her to sing.

Got it.

You'll do fine.

Here it is.
Eddie stark's

World-famous
store-bought guacamole.

No, thanks, daddy.
I'm gonna wait for dinner.

This is dinner.

And it looks good. Heh.

Mmm. It's delicious.

I didn't...
I didn't double dip.

I see
what you scratch.

I'll get it!

Wow.
You look fabulous.

Why, thank you, Douglas.

So do you.

Why, hello.

Joy, look at you.
You look fantastic.

Aw, Stephen.
So do you.

And, Simona, as always,
you look adorable.

Do you really
think so?

Really do.

Oh, thank you.

And, Joy, I have
something to tell you.

Yes?

I am so looking forward
to Eddie's guacamole dip.

It is so wonderful.

Is he in the kitchen?

Yeah.

Ok. Come on, Stephen.

Let's go get some
before it turns brown.

Good life advice
in general. Hey, ally.

Hey.

Nice costume, Doug.

Where's your burro?

Do you believe this woman?

I mean, is it me?

Am I not as attractive
as store-bought guacamole?

No. It's completely,
totally bizarre behavior.

Right?
Yeah.

I have on
2 pairs of spanx.

My eye color
has changed.

Is there anything
I can do?

Yeah. Help mommy
walk across the room.

Okay.

Here's...
Here's an idea.

Mm-hmm?
What is that, Doug?

Why don't you sing?

I win again.

It has to be the
power of the mind,

Because I just
pictured myself winning,

And then I won.

You ever picture
yourself employed?

I don't need
to be employed.

I just won 40 dollars.

Well, we ought
to hit it. All right.

Despite the fact
that we all lost,

I had such
a great time.

Eddie, your guacamole dip
was wonderful, as usual.

Thank you.

And sweet ally,
it's so good

To see you
and Doug again.

Oh, and, Joy...

Yes?

Where'd you put
my coat, hon?

It's right there.

Oh, great. Ok.

Well, we have to do this
again soon, ok?

Yeah, real soon.

Ok. Thanks.

Night, all.
And remember,

If I fall on your
property, I can sue.

Heh.
Just kidding.

But I can.

Right.

Ok. All right, Doug,

Poker rules...
The winner does the dishes.

Ok. You got it.

All right. Honey.
Honey, come here.

You just
give me the word,

And when his hands
are in the dishwater,

I'll throw the toaster
right in the sink. Hmm?

You're a sore loser.

I'm going
to help him.

So you still think
this is silly?

Uh, you still think
I'm the crazy one?

Oh, not just crazy,

Drugs-won't-help-you
crazy.

Come on.
Didn't you learn anything

From observing the interaction
between Simona and me tonight?

Yes, honey.
I learned a big lesson.

I finally understand
why men marry men.

All right,
melt all you want.

That is the last gin and
tonic you are ruining for me.

You know,
gin doesn't freeze.

Oh. Well, then I just made 14
perfectly chilled shots for lunch.

By the way, I think I'm
comin' down with something,

And I'm holding you
responsible. What?

What did I do? I just told
you to go get a checkup.

Yeah. You told mee
to get a checkup

Because you didn't
want me to get sick.

Right.

Well, I got sick
getting the checkup.

All right. So if you got
sick, go back to the doctor.

That's where I got sick
in the first place.

You know,
congratulations, Joy.

You got a worse health
plan than the government.

Right. Well, don't blame me
if something falls off.

You gonna cancel the
interview with helga klum?

Cancel?
You kidding? I can't.

I gotta get
that interview.

And by the way, the
woman is 97 years old,

So here. Let me put it in
terms that you'll understand.

Uh, for helga,
it's last call.

She keeps sunglasses
on her nightstand

In case she walks
into the light.

I gotta do it.

All right.
So go do the interview,

And then come home and rest, and
mama'll make you some chicken soup.

You're the best,
Joy-Joy!

Hey, Eddie, on the way home,
pick up chicken soup.

Oh, and vodka.

Vodka doesn't
freeze either.

Damn it.

Slap it,
and slap it down.

Mommy says
I can slap it down.

Oh, slap it...

And round the clock,
I'm makin' cheese.

I'm makin' cheese,
who's makin' cheese?

I's makin' cheese.

Who? I's is, who?

Oh! Oh, hi. Hi.

Oh, Joy! I was just listening
to a medical lecture.

Come on in. I didn't know
you had an appointment.

I... You know, I don't.

Simona, the reason
that I'm here

Is, well, I...
I have on fantastic shoes,

And I've lost 6 pounds,

And my ass looks great
in these jeans.

And you look terrific.

Thank you.

Ok, you know what?
That is it.

That is the reason
that I am here, ok?

Simona, what the hell
is wrong with you?

I pay you a compliment,

And then I set you up perfectly
to pay me a compliment,

And you don't do it.

We are women, Simona.

We are supposed to pretend
that we like each other.

What is wrong?

I used to be
incredibly fat.

I'm sorry, but what does
that have to do with anything?

My whole life, girls
never complimented me,

And as a defense mechanism,
I never complimented them.

I've been working on it
in therapy,

But I still see myself
as a fatty fatso,

Just fat fat,
the water rat.

I just can't do it.

No, no, honey.

Simona, listen.
You're not fat at all.

You're just...
you're the opposite.

You look terrific.

Thank you.

You know what?
That is it, ok? I am done.

And you might wanna see
someone else about this problem,

Because whatever you're
doing right now is not working.

- Hey, Joy!
- What?

You might wanna ask
yourself a few questions,

Like why
you're so needy.

I beg your pardon.

Yes. And while we're
soul-searching here,

What's up with this
tremendous need of yours

To go around fishing
for compliments?

Ha. I do not fish
for compliments.

Oh, I beg to differ. It's
like you live on a tuna boat.

It's like you're riding into
rat city wearing cheese pants.

What's up with that?

I was incredibly flat
until I was 14 years old.

I was the original
flat stanley.

I mean, I was flatter
than day-old beer.

There were doing "pirates of penzance"
at school, and they walked me.

And then one night,
the chalupa fairy came,

And my whole wld changed.

But deep down
in your mind,

You still see
yourself as...

flat flat...

The water rat.

Oh, Joy,
give me a hug!

We're just 2 wounded souls,
aren't we?

We are.

Come here.

Oh, good heavens.

Heh. You're like hugging 2
bags of christmas puddin'.

Wait a second.
Did you... did you hear that?

What... you just
paid me a compliment.

Oh, my God!

I did it.
You did.

I just gave another
woman a compliment.

This is a huge
breakthrough for me.

Joy, you are beautiful.

Okay, tell me more.

You have periwinkle
blue eyes...

Your shoes are fabulous.

Your ass
is like an apple.

I just wanna take a bite
out of it. I do. I do.

Ehh. That's a little weird.

You look great
in those jeans, and...

You look fantastic, Joy.

Thank you.

By the way, I was lying.

I've had a "d" cup
since I was 11.

Hey, what are
you up to, slim?

Oh, transcribing
this amazing interview.

This woman is
an incredible survivor.

Not only did she survive
the "hindenburg,"

But she was on the "titanic,"
and she survived katrina.

She caught a wave and rode it
all the way into the superdome.

So'd you get everything
you needed for the book?

Uh, right up to the moment she
stepped onto the "hindenburg,"

And then ironically,
she crashed.

Fell auleep
right into her soup.

I love this broad.

It's funny.
She has this giant nurse.

Her name is lawanda,
very protective over her.

The minute helga nodded off,
lawanda threw me out,

And I don't mean
she asked me to leave.

I mean she picked me up
and threw me out.

Now I gotta go back tomorrow,
finish the interview.

This is amazing, Eddie.

This is what is gonna
set your "hindenburg" book

Apart from all the other
"hindenburg" book.

I'm tellin' you,
Joy-Joy, I am psyched.

This interview is the culmination
of 72 years of history,

And I, Eddie stark,
have the story. Heh heh.

Eddie stark!

How dare you show
your face around here?

Lawanda,
what happened?

Your nasty little cold
killed ms. Klum.

She was the only white lady
ever looked me in the eye.

I oughta kick your ass!

Put that in your book!

Now get on out of here!

My interview.

When was the last time
you read a book

That didn't have
a beach chair

Or a bisected colon
on the cover?

Well, I've got...
are we skipping that?

We're skipping that.

No.

Hey, who are those people
over there? They look familiar.

That's our neighbors,
the heinies.

Haynies.

You did it.

What is going on?

We have pigeons.
Now they're mating.

Pigeons are...
Oh, they're mating?

They're mating.

All right.

Are they upstairs,
or are they in here?

Right there.
Oh, they're right there.

Right here
over my head somewhere.

Yeah. I know.

Are they really mating,

'cause I'd like
to take a 5 if they are.

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