Original subtitles

Hello, hello.

Hey.

And how is the travel agency biz?

I won 7 games of solitaire.

And I went on facebook and reconnected

With 6 people I hate.

Only 6? I can connect with people I hate

Every day all day until the messiah comes back,

Or two-tone shoes, whatever comes first.

So did you book any travel?

No, Eddie, we didn't. We're in a recession.

The only people traveling are illegal aliens,

And they rarely go to resorts.

Yeah, except to clean.

Hey, you know who I blame for all of this?

No, Eddie. Who do you blame?

William Shatner.

What did the sexiest man alive ever do to you?

Well, if it weren't for him,

People would still be dumb enough to use you to book their travel

Instead of do it on-line for free.

Ok, come on. Back up.

I'm still on William Shatner as the sexiest man alive.

Who's your number 2?

It's tie between Dick Cheney and Victor Garber.

I think we've learned something today.

Yes, we have. Why don't we go to dinner?

Ok. How about middle eastern?

No, because an hour after you eat it, you're angry again.

Heh. How about indian?

Indian sounds good. I'd love me some indian right about now.

Well, then you should go sometime.

I'm free tonight.

Fantastic. Then why don't you go tonight? Bye-bye.

Eddie, I think she wants...

I know what she's doing. Just walk.

Morning.

Good morning.

Shouldn't you be getting ready for work?

Actually, I don't have to go in today.

They're fumigating the school. Head lice.

God bless the irish.

You workin' on your Hindenburg book?

Well, I started to,

And then I typed in "blimp", and this

Is where it led me. Check that out.

Oh, my God! What is that?

Well, this is a woman in indiana nicknamed "The Hindenboob".

That's her over the super bowl.

That's awful.

Yeah. You think this is awful,

You should type in "panama canal" and see what that gets you.

I don't have time for that.

I gotta get to work.

Oh, no, no, no! I gotta go before you.

Vindaloo chicken. I'll be quick.

No. No, no, no.

When you hurry, I'm mopping for days.

"p-a-n-a-m-a..."

You know, you don't buy indian food. You just rent it.

I see what you did wrong.

You forgot to put the "c" in "canal".

Morning, Joy.

Beth?

Yeah?

Either I'm having the most intense acid flashback,

Or Eddie has roofied me again.

I'm seeing a sandwich shop where our office should be.

Yeah, I know. After work, they made some changes.

I would have called you, but you were out to dinner.

Where's the travel agency?

It's gone, and we're out of a job.

Oh, my God!

Hey, you can fill out an application if you'd like.

That's what I'm doing.

There's one spot left, but good luck.

I went to vassar.

How's that gonna help you get a job here?

Oh, it's not, but I just hooked up with Paco.

- It's a sub shop? - Yes.

That's incredible. I'm building a sandwich right now.

Hey, hey. Do me a favor.

Does the provolone go on top of the salami or after the prosciutto?

I don't think you're grasping

The enormity of the situation here, Eddie.

Sure I am, honey.

If you get your meats in the wrong place, it's anarchy,

And you don't want anarchy in a world with a unified germany.

Forget I mentioned it.

And the provolone goes on top of the salami.

Good work, Joy.

All right, I'll be back soon.

I love you.

Yeah. Ok.

I feel miserable.

Oh, my poor baby.

No, I don't... I don't want sympathy.

I want medicine.

Ok. Ok. There's Kim park's holistic pharmacy and petting zoo,

But that's all the way on the other side of town,

But I can walk over there.

No. Just... I can't wait that long.

Ask my father for a ride.

He'll be happy to take you.

Yeah, but he won't be happy to bring me back. He hates me.

My father doesn't hate you, Doug.

That's just his way.

Oh, he does too hate me, Ally.

Remember that time he drove me to Trenton and then dropped me off

In the you-know-what section?

What section was that?

Don't make me say it. It's a slur.

They live in tiny town.

They rhyme with widgets.

He was just showing you how he feels everywhere.

That was a cry for help.

No, a cry for help is when those little bastards were attacking me

And I cried for help. "just get off me."

I mean, they don't like our kind, Ally.

They... they call us "the big'uns."

And I take that as a slur.

Just go, ok?

There are certain things that I can't do for you

Until my nose is unstuffed.

Gotcha.

On my way.

Eddie, I can't believe you could just sit there and eat a sandwich.

Our... our lives are falling apart.

Honey, come on. That's not true.

Only your life is falling apart.

I still have my job,

And, you know, you really haven't brought in

That much money this past year, anyway, so...

Are you saying I've brought nothing to the table this entire time?

No, I am not saying that.

You've brought pluck.

Pluck?

Yes. You're... you're very plucky,

And you're... you're a good mother.

Huh? You see where I'm goin' here?

Mother plucker?

Yeah, that's it. That's...

That's good. It's a good thing.

You know what? You're not making me feel any better, ok?

All right, look. Honestly, Joy, we are fine financially.

I'm still teaching. I'm writing that book.

I got 2 jobs. We don't even need you.

What?

What I'm saying is I think this is a wonderful opportunity

For you to become a trophy wife for a while.

Really?

Absolutely. Not forever, because, you know, after some time,

You'll begin to sag and droop and what was once a trophy

Becomes a tragic reminder of what used to be.

You see? But you still got a lot of tread on those tires, baby.

Thanks.

Eddie, I needed to hear that.

Oh, hello, mother stark. No work today?

Damn it, Doug!

I almost had her in the boat, and you broke the line.

What did I say?

Never mind. What do you want?

Well, I was hoping that maybe you could do me a favor.

No.

It's for Ally.

Aw, God! My kryptonite.

Okay, what is it? What do you want?

Well, she's got a bad cold,

And I need a ride to go get her something

At the homeopathic pharmacy.

Well, why don't you just go down the...

Wait a minute. Are you talking about the place on the east side?

Yeah, right next to the

Naughty pine factory.

Yeah.

- The knotty pine factory? - No. No, no.

Naughty pine,

As in, "you've been a naughty boy,

And you've gotta get a spanking".

They make hand-carved birds and,

Uh, wooden marital aids.

Oh, wait. Wait, wait. I know this place.

It's right next to a restaurant where I like to go for lunch.

Come on. Let's go!

Really? You don't mind?

No. No, not at all.

We'll grab a bite.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Honey, listen. We're gonna get out of here for a while.

I gotta take doug to the homophobic pharmacy.

Can you stop by naughty pine

And see if my woodpecker's ready?

I love you.

Yeah. Ok.

Sir, are you sure you wanna eat at this strip club?

Well, listen. I figure since we're on our way to the drug store,

Why not make a stop at the jug store?

Yeah, but my wife, your daughter, is sick.

I need to get her some medicine.

Relax, Doug. Women are strong, you know.

They... they crack right open,

And another person shoots out of 'em.

She'll be fine. Don't worry about it.

Just relax. Here. Look at the menu, scruffy.

All right, fine.

Is the food any good?

I don't know. I've only eaten here about 30 or 40 times.

Hi, guys. What can I get you?

We'll take a pair of beers

And, an order of wings.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on!

Are you talking about the wings from chickens?

No, no, no, Doug. They're angel wings.

I'm sorry, sir. I just have to ask a few questions.

Wellesley, what kind of lives did these chickens have

Before they were slaughtered?

Ok, listen. Those chickens weren't slaughtered.

Their wings were just ripped off.

Ok, now they're still walking around.

Only, now they get disability checks

And a crazy story to tell their friends, ok?

So everybody wins, all right?

We'll take the beer and wings,

And walk away before he starts talkin' again, please.

Got it.

I don't understand, sir.

Why do you come here all the time

If you obviously don't care about the food?

Let me make it clear for you.

Sarah Lawrence, can we...

Get, some water, please?

Clear?

Abundantly.

Hey, babe. How you feelin'?

Bad. I can't wait for Doug to get back.

I feel that way about your father

When I send him out for vodka.

What's that?

Uh, it's a Russian liquor made from potatoes.

I'm going to hit you.

I'm sure you are. Listen, uh, sweetie,

This always works when you're sick.

You take a little swig of this every 15 minutes,

And you'll feel better.

Mom, that stuff is 40% alcohol.

I said you'll feel better.

I repeat, what is that?

Oh, this is my resume.

Oh, it's a good start.

I'm finished.

Looks pretty good.

You've got 6 years as a baby sitter.

That was in high school.

Ok. And the only thing other than that on here is the travel agency.

What did you do in between?

The navy.

Ally, it's a joke.

Yeah, I know. Sorry.

The whole "my mother's a whore" joke went right over my head.

Let's see! It says here

That you speak a foreign language.

Oh, I do! Here. Listen.

Hello, guvner.

Would you like some tea and crumpets?

English is not a foreign language.

Okay, all right.

I know. I know it's not much of a resume.

I'm still hoping I can charm my way in somewhere.

You know, it's a little bit daunting

Looking for a new line of work at this point in my life.

I feel like I'm the only girl left at the bar at closing time.

Isn't that how you met dad?

Twice.

Hey, how are you on the computer?

Well, we only did it on the computer once.

We tried to do it a second time.

I couldn't get him to reboot.

I'm trying to help you.

Computer skills are important.

You know what's more important than computer skills?

People skills. I have people skills.

Yeah. You're right.

You are going to be just fine.

Anywhere would be lucky to have you.

Oh, you're sweet.

I take after you.

I love you.

Yeah. Ok.

So, feelin' better, huh, babe?

Yeah. Lot better.

That's my little girl.

How's my big girl, huh?

Is she gettin' ready for her job hunt?

Yes, Eddie, and I am so excited.

There's a world of possibilities out there for me.

Yeah, and they're all bad.

Vertical integration has resulted

In what I like to call "corpthink."

Oh, God! Not corpthink again.

Yeah. I know you all think this is some pynchonion, paranoid fantasy,

But it's happenin', ally, all right?

Before you know it, Bill Gates is gonna be runnin' the entire world.

Not me. It's not gonna get me.

Yeah. I have a feeling you're not on Bill Gates' radar.

You know what? You know what's funny?

I think Bill Gates has radar.

I don't even think he's a human being.

I think he's a cyborg, and they just made him

Look like a sock puppet with glasses

So that he won't seem threatening.

I love Bill Gates.

Me, too.

I'd let him have his way with me...

And then I'd make him pay.

See, that's 'cause you all worship money. I don't.

Yeah, that's because you don't have any.

The both of you, you're like 2 little naked birds

Sittin' in a nest. "feed me".

Yeah, you two should thank your lucky stars

You got Eddie two-jobs here.

Hey, I like that.

Eddie two-jobs.

I'm like the most responsible italian in the world.

Hey, listen, I can't whack you right now.

Why? I got 2 jobs.

Why don't you act like a man

Instead of some Hollywood-type of mamaluke

Who cries like a woman?

Pretty soon we're gonna be a 3-job family,

'cause I'm gonna go out and get myself hired.

There you go. You see that? That's confidence.

And I'm full of it.

Got my resume. I'm lookin' damn good.

It's gonna be a piece of cake.

Cheers.

Seinfeld.

Hey, honey!

How was the job search?

There are no jobs, Eddie.

There is no nothing anymore.

The economy is a disaster.

The end is near. On the way home,

I saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse.

They're looking for work, too.

Their horses are very skinny.

And then you know who I saw?

I saw death. Death is near death.

It's hopeless.

Come on, now, Joy. It's not that bad.

No, it is bad. It is bad, Eddie, ok?

I got turned down everywhere I went.

I got turned down as a manicurist,

Largely because Richard Nixon bailed on Vietnam.

I got turned down at a hair extension kiosk,

And I've got fantastic hair that looks fake.

Shall I go on?

Yes. I'm kind of enjoying this.

Ok, here we go.

I couldn't get a job as a test subject for bladder medication.

I couldn't get a job

Expressing canine anal glands at a veterinarian.

I went to google,

And they said keep searching.

However, however, I did then get hired finally.

I got a job as a wine taster,

But they fired me because I wouldn't spit, I swallowed.

Well, old habits die hard.

All right, well, that was... That was my day.

How was your day, dear?

Well, I went to ample d's...

The breastaurant.

It was great.

Glad I could count on you for support.

Right. You know, now that you mention it,

Why do you go to ample d's?

The reason I go to ample d's

Is because it's a refuge.

It's a sanctuary.

It's a big knocker zoo.

Haven't I been providing that for you for 23 years?

Yes, you see, but...

Your breasts are attached to you.

Now, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Now, I love them, and I love you,

But sometimes it's fun to just go see some...

Fresh cleavage pointing down at a plate of jalapeno poppers.

Hold on. Back up, ok?

Did you just say that you love me?

Yes. Of course. I love you.

- Finally! - What are you talking about?

I have been fishing for an "I love you" for 3 days now,

And all you give me is "yeah, ok".

Yeah, but see, "yeah, ok".

Is Eddie speak for "I love you".

It's code.

It's like when I push on the back of your head.

It's just nice to hear the words now and again, you know.

Baby, I love you.

I love you, too.

So, do you need anything from the store?

No. I'm good.

Are... are you sure?

Because I can get you any... anything you need.

No. I mean, like, I don't want you to have to walk all over town.

No, that's ok, because, your dad'll give me a ride.

You actually wanna spend time with my father?

Oh, he's a... a fascinating man.

He... keeps abreast...

Of current events.

Ok. Well, I mean, the only thing that I could use

Is something you're not gonna wanna get.

Tampons... easy glide, heavy flow?

Yeah.

Comin' right up.

So, you gonna order something this time?

No, sir. I'm strictly here for the healing purposes

Of the water-pouring ceremony.

Oh, boy, I hope they hurry up.

I really gotta go to the bathroom, but I don't wanna miss a drop.

Ok, I'm gonna go with the...

Hamela Anderson sandwich and a beer.

Hello, Joy.

I got a job.

Yeah.

So I see.

You know, it's the crazy thing, too.

They didn't even look at my resume.

Believe me, they looked at both of 'em.

Here, Doug. Let me pour you some water.

No. No, no, no!

I... really need to go get some tampons.

I'm not even gonna ask.

Well, I have to hand it to you, Joy.

Only you can ruin ample d's.

Well, look at the bright side, Eddie.

I mean, when's the last time you had a shot

At going home with a waitress from ample d's?

You know what? You're right.

Congratulations to both of us.

Or, all 4 of us, actually.

Listen, Eddie, I think that this is a good job for me.

I have the perfect combination of high and low self-esteem

To make a killing in this place.

Excuse me, Devry.

Stop fraternizing with the customers.

And hoist up your girls.

Let's act like we care!

My God, what the hell are you doing here?

I thought you were workin' at the sub shop.

They said I was bad with the customers.

Yeah. You know, I see you over there. You can stop waving.

We're not in a damn parade.

All right, go ahead. Get a look.

Stop pretending like you're watching the game.

Just look at 'em. Look at 'em.

You pathetic losers.

You know, you might wanna

Ice those puppies up a little.

Well, it's nice to see that everybody

From the travel agency landed on their feet,

And when I say, "feet," I mean...

I know what you mean.

I'm happy for you, Joy-Joy.

- I love you. - Yeah, ok.

Hey. How was work?

I got fired.

What? What happened?

They switched to the summer uniforms.

So what's the problem?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Are the summer uniforms sleeveless?

I said I don't wanna talk about it!

Wellesley,

what kind of chickens...

Sorry. My bad.

They're so beautiful.

I'm sorry.

All right. Let me see.

I'm gonna go with the...

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