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1
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000
Sync by fant0m
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:11,969 --> 00:00:15,239
'Til Death is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
3
00:00:16,306 --> 00:00:17,607
Good morning.
4
00:00:17,674 --> 00:00:19,308
Morning.
5
00:00:19,376 --> 00:00:21,210
Is there anything else
you'd like to say?
6
00:00:22,846 --> 00:00:25,014
Oh! Nice work last night.
7
00:00:25,082 --> 00:00:26,449
And by the way,
I promise.
8
00:00:26,517 --> 00:00:28,584
Next time,
it's all about you.
9
00:00:33,457 --> 00:00:35,791
Hello? Hey, mom.
10
00:00:35,859 --> 00:00:38,127
Yeah. Thank you.
Oh, you know I am.
11
00:00:38,195 --> 00:00:40,463
I always love
my birthday.
12
00:00:40,531 --> 00:00:42,899
Yeah.
13
00:00:42,966 --> 00:00:43,900
Hey, daddy.
14
00:00:43,967 --> 00:00:45,234
Oh...no, you don't
have to s...
15
00:00:45,302 --> 00:00:46,702
You're singing.
16
00:00:46,770 --> 00:00:49,171
Mom on the guitar.
That's great, thank you.
17
00:00:57,281 --> 00:00:59,649
That was great, guys.
Beautiful ha...
18
00:00:59,716 --> 00:01:02,485
Okay. We're gonna do
it again in Spanish.
19
00:01:25,042 --> 00:01:26,709
All right. Thanks, guys.
20
00:01:26,777 --> 00:01:28,010
I love you, too.
21
00:01:28,078 --> 00:01:30,880
All right. Bye.
22
00:01:30,948 --> 00:01:34,550
There's
the birthday girl!
23
00:01:36,286 --> 00:01:37,453
You remembered.
24
00:01:37,521 --> 00:01:38,754
Well, if I didn't remember,
25
00:01:38,822 --> 00:01:40,389
How would I have had...
26
00:01:40,457 --> 00:01:42,992
This?
27
00:01:43,060 --> 00:01:44,694
What is that?
One of your homemade coupons?
28
00:01:44,761 --> 00:01:46,162
Pff! What...?
29
00:01:46,229 --> 00:01:48,197
Hello!
You know what?
30
00:01:48,265 --> 00:01:51,601
You do not know
me at all, okay?
31
00:01:51,668 --> 00:01:52,835
This could be
anything, missy.
32
00:01:52,903 --> 00:01:53,936
That's right,
anything.
33
00:01:54,004 --> 00:01:55,671
How do you know
it isn't a...
34
00:01:55,739 --> 00:01:59,942
Weekend getaway
to France?
35
00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:01,644
Oh, my God.
Eddie, you didn't.
36
00:02:01,712 --> 00:02:03,479
I did not.
37
00:02:05,983 --> 00:02:07,550
Ahem. "one mani-pedi
38
00:02:07,618 --> 00:02:10,019
"from your favorite manny,
Eddie."
39
00:02:11,355 --> 00:02:13,255
You see that?
The minute I realized
40
00:02:13,323 --> 00:02:16,092
That "pedi" rhymed
with "Eddie", well,
41
00:02:16,159 --> 00:02:18,527
The whole darn thing
just fell together.
42
00:02:19,930 --> 00:02:22,131
Thank you. Yeah, I think
that I'm just gonna
43
00:02:22,199 --> 00:02:24,900
File this
with the other 157 coupons
44
00:02:24,968 --> 00:02:26,302
You've made me
over the years.
45
00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:28,504
Hey, honey.
Those coupons are-are
46
00:02:28,572 --> 00:02:31,607
Thoughtful and-
and personal gifts
47
00:02:31,675 --> 00:02:33,609
That are carefully designed
48
00:02:33,677 --> 00:02:36,078
To-to fit your specific needs
49
00:02:36,146 --> 00:02:37,279
At the time given.
50
00:02:37,347 --> 00:02:39,415
No, they're not.
You're always gonna
51
00:02:39,483 --> 00:02:41,150
Massage some part
of me
52
00:02:41,218 --> 00:02:42,918
Or give me
some meal in bed.
53
00:02:42,986 --> 00:02:44,654
Oh, and by the way,
a coupon for sex
54
00:02:44,721 --> 00:02:46,722
Is really
a coupon for you.
55
00:02:49,192 --> 00:02:51,927
Oh, somebody thinks
pretty highly of herself.
56
00:02:53,764 --> 00:02:55,598
You know, I-I wish
that just once
57
00:02:55,666 --> 00:02:57,466
You would actually
put the time in
58
00:02:57,534 --> 00:02:59,068
And go out
and buy me a gift
59
00:02:59,136 --> 00:03:00,803
Instead of scribbling
something
60
00:03:00,871 --> 00:03:03,105
On a piece of paper
at the last minute.
61
00:03:03,173 --> 00:03:06,142
Pff! Is that what
you think I did?
62
00:03:07,110 --> 00:03:08,878
You have magic marker
on your lip.
63
00:03:08,945 --> 00:03:10,546
I do?
64
00:03:10,614 --> 00:03:11,781
Here?
65
00:03:11,848 --> 00:03:12,882
All right, well, look.
Listen,
66
00:03:12,949 --> 00:03:14,316
In my defense, darling,
67
00:03:14,384 --> 00:03:16,652
You're impossible
to shop for.
68
00:03:17,988 --> 00:03:19,789
Happy birthday, Joy!
69
00:03:19,856 --> 00:03:22,124
Thank you,
Kenny.
70
00:03:24,161 --> 00:03:25,494
You shouldn't have.
71
00:03:25,562 --> 00:03:27,296
Yeah, you most definitely
shouldn't have.
72
00:03:28,465 --> 00:03:29,632
I've been sitting
on that gift forever,
73
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:30,666
Just waiting for the day
74
00:03:30,734 --> 00:03:31,801
When you could finally
open it.
75
00:03:31,868 --> 00:03:34,136
Okay.
76
00:03:34,204 --> 00:03:37,773
Oh, my God!
77
00:03:37,841 --> 00:03:39,175
This is really
funny.
78
00:03:39,242 --> 00:03:40,976
2 months ago,
we were having lunch.
79
00:03:41,044 --> 00:03:42,745
And-and afterwards, we
walked by this boutique
80
00:03:42,813 --> 00:03:44,980
And this scarf
was in the window.
81
00:03:45,048 --> 00:03:47,450
And then I went back because I
left my coat in the restaurant.
82
00:03:47,517 --> 00:03:50,953
But I didn't leave my coat
in the restaurant. Ha ha ha.
83
00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:52,621
And then,
I went back
84
00:03:52,689 --> 00:03:54,857
To go get the scarf
the next day,
85
00:03:54,925 --> 00:03:55,958
And it was gone.
86
00:03:56,026 --> 00:03:57,460
Because I already
bought it!
87
00:04:00,530 --> 00:04:03,499
You do know that she and
I are together, right?
88
00:04:04,868 --> 00:04:05,901
Don't worry,
I know the rules.
89
00:04:05,969 --> 00:04:07,369
Nothing serious
till after you die.
90
00:04:12,109 --> 00:04:13,509
Look at his face.
91
00:04:13,577 --> 00:04:14,944
Oh, and by the way,
92
00:04:15,011 --> 00:04:17,113
Nice job
with the christmas wrap, huh?
93
00:04:17,180 --> 00:04:19,915
You couldn't pop for the...
for the birthday stuff?
94
00:04:19,983 --> 00:04:21,584
Well, actually,
it says "Joy to the world".
95
00:04:21,651 --> 00:04:23,219
I thought it'd be
a nice pun on Joy's name.
96
00:04:23,286 --> 00:04:25,087
Oh,
let me see that.
97
00:04:25,155 --> 00:04:27,056
Get the hell out of here.
98
00:04:28,325 --> 00:04:31,093
You're too much.
You are too much!
99
00:04:31,161 --> 00:04:33,395
Happy birthday, Joy!
Thank you, Kenny.
100
00:04:33,463 --> 00:04:37,032
See? Not that hard.
101
00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:38,134
Honey, look.
Let me tell you something.
102
00:04:38,201 --> 00:04:40,436
I shouldn't have to apologize
for my coupons.
103
00:04:40,504 --> 00:04:42,805
Those-those little
magical slips of paper
104
00:04:42,873 --> 00:04:44,707
Are-are made with love.
105
00:04:44,775 --> 00:04:46,842
You wrote it on the back
of our phone bill.
106
00:04:48,478 --> 00:04:51,947
Reduce, reuse,
recycle.
107
00:04:52,015 --> 00:04:53,949
You have any idea
how many trees it took
108
00:04:54,017 --> 00:04:55,117
To make that scarf?
109
00:04:55,185 --> 00:04:56,519
None.
110
00:04:56,586 --> 00:04:58,954
Oh, now you're a scientist.
111
00:04:59,022 --> 00:05:00,489
By the way,
it's your own fault
112
00:05:00,557 --> 00:05:03,292
That you don't cash in
on any of those coupons.
113
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,028
Really?
All right, coupon Bob.
114
00:05:06,096 --> 00:05:07,596
I'm gonna
call your bluff.
115
00:05:07,664 --> 00:05:11,033
In fact, this weekend,
for my birthday,
116
00:05:11,101 --> 00:05:13,602
We're gonna do
everything in this box.
117
00:05:14,838 --> 00:05:16,539
Awesome.
118
00:05:28,993 --> 00:05:30,093
Wait, you missed a spot.
119
00:05:30,161 --> 00:05:31,194
What?
120
00:05:31,262 --> 00:05:34,064
Right there on the
little pinkie toe, there.
121
00:05:36,234 --> 00:05:38,201
Just dab it.
122
00:05:38,269 --> 00:05:40,704
Just dab it.
123
00:05:40,771 --> 00:05:43,607
That's it. Thank you.
124
00:05:43,674 --> 00:05:46,009
Okay, now blow it dry.
125
00:05:46,077 --> 00:05:47,010
Really?
126
00:05:47,078 --> 00:05:49,479
Hey.
Your words, not mine.
127
00:05:56,153 --> 00:05:58,722
Thank you.
All right. Let's see
128
00:05:58,789 --> 00:06:01,591
What is on tap
for this afternoon.
129
00:06:01,659 --> 00:06:05,295
Oh, this should be interesting.
130
00:06:05,363 --> 00:06:07,464
"anniversary, 1994."
131
00:06:07,531 --> 00:06:09,799
Ahem. Jackpot.
132
00:06:12,436 --> 00:06:13,904
Well, I could maybe do
the first sentence,
133
00:06:13,971 --> 00:06:15,272
But with my knees
the way they are,
134
00:06:15,339 --> 00:06:17,974
I'd have to bring in a
college kid to do the rest.
135
00:06:19,343 --> 00:06:20,844
Works for me.
136
00:06:23,147 --> 00:06:26,116
All right. Let's see.
137
00:06:26,183 --> 00:06:29,552
Oh. Here's an oldie
but a goodie.
138
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:33,590
Guess who is doing all the
household chores for a month.
139
00:06:33,658 --> 00:06:36,726
A month? There's no way
I would've ever...
140
00:06:36,794 --> 00:06:40,497
Stupid 90s Eddie.
This is...ugh.
141
00:06:40,564 --> 00:06:41,865
All right. Well,
I will let you
142
00:06:41,933 --> 00:06:44,734
Get started on
this laundry... oh!
143
00:06:44,802 --> 00:06:47,003
And I will be upstairs
awaiting my...
144
00:06:47,071 --> 00:06:50,507
"homemade scones
and erotic scarf dance".
145
00:06:50,574 --> 00:06:52,809
And look at that. You
dotted the "I" in "erotic"
146
00:06:52,877 --> 00:06:54,945
With a little heart.
147
00:06:55,012 --> 00:06:57,681
I was so whipped
last century.
148
00:07:01,852 --> 00:07:03,186
Hey, what's up, Eddie?
149
00:07:03,254 --> 00:07:05,388
Big trouble, man.
Big trouble.
150
00:07:05,456 --> 00:07:06,923
Why? What's going on?
151
00:07:06,991 --> 00:07:08,992
Well, for Joy's birthday
I made her a coupon.
152
00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:10,627
A coupon?
It's a promise
153
00:07:10,695 --> 00:07:13,229
That I'll do something
thoughtful for her in the future.
154
00:07:13,297 --> 00:07:15,332
Like what? Get her
an actual gift?
155
00:07:15,399 --> 00:07:18,868
People love coupons, Kenny.
All right?
156
00:07:18,936 --> 00:07:21,938
She hated it, right?
Like you can't believe.
157
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,473
So get her
a real gift.
158
00:07:23,541 --> 00:07:25,475
Make all this
go away. You know?
159
00:07:25,543 --> 00:07:26,609
What does she like?
160
00:07:26,677 --> 00:07:29,079
Well, cheap booze
and magazines.
161
00:07:29,146 --> 00:07:31,581
Ooh, she loves when something
bad happens to her friends.
162
00:07:31,649 --> 00:07:33,249
Come on. What else?
163
00:07:33,317 --> 00:07:35,218
Ah, she-
she's always mentioning
164
00:07:35,286 --> 00:07:37,654
These, v. Patel
designer bags
165
00:07:37,722 --> 00:07:40,523
That all those actresses
are carrying on tv.
166
00:07:40,591 --> 00:07:42,025
So get her one of those.
Are you kidding me?
167
00:07:42,093 --> 00:07:44,561
They're, like, 2,000 dollars.
If I had that kinda money,
168
00:07:44,628 --> 00:07:47,263
We'd be having this conversation
on a golf course
169
00:07:47,331 --> 00:07:49,599
At a club that neither
you or I could get into.
170
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,101
Ha ha.
You got that right.
171
00:07:51,168 --> 00:07:52,168
Gimme that.
You know what I mean?
172
00:07:53,537 --> 00:07:55,438
No, man, don't worry
about the purse, man.
173
00:07:55,506 --> 00:07:57,707
I got a guy.
You got a guy?
174
00:07:57,775 --> 00:07:59,409
I got a guy.
Ray-ray downtown.
175
00:07:59,477 --> 00:08:01,811
Get you that exact same
purse for a reasonable price.
176
00:08:01,879 --> 00:08:02,879
The exact same?
177
00:08:02,947 --> 00:08:05,315
Ray-ray's stuff
is top shelf.
178
00:08:05,383 --> 00:08:06,983
Remember those italian
loafers I got you last year
179
00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:08,985
That you loved
so-so much?
180
00:08:09,053 --> 00:08:10,653
Those are, like,
the nicest things I own.
181
00:08:10,721 --> 00:08:12,022
7.00 dollars.
182
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,193
Look, I don't know.
Should I really be
183
00:08:17,261 --> 00:08:18,495
Buying Joy
a knock-off purse
184
00:08:18,562 --> 00:08:20,296
And passing it off as real?
185
00:08:20,364 --> 00:08:21,598
Hey, if the real you
could afford the real purse,
186
00:08:21,665 --> 00:08:23,066
We'd be in a real store.
187
00:08:24,168 --> 00:08:26,636
Welcome to
Chang's tchotchkes.
188
00:08:26,704 --> 00:08:28,505
We're having big blowout!
189
00:08:28,572 --> 00:08:30,473
We're here
to see ray-ray.
190
00:08:32,009 --> 00:08:32,876
You a cop?
191
00:08:32,943 --> 00:08:34,411
No, I'm...
192
00:08:34,478 --> 00:08:35,645
I'm a history
teacher.
193
00:08:35,713 --> 00:08:37,947
You look like cop.
No cop.
194
00:08:38,015 --> 00:08:39,649
Turn around.
Excuse me?
195
00:08:39,717 --> 00:08:42,719
Turn around!
Okay.
196
00:08:42,787 --> 00:08:44,487
Okay, that's...
197
00:08:44,555 --> 00:08:46,122
Those are my keys.
198
00:08:46,190 --> 00:08:47,690
That's me.
199
00:08:47,758 --> 00:08:49,059
Still me.
200
00:08:49,126 --> 00:08:50,460
Okay.
201
00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:53,430
He's clean.
Okay. Back room.
202
00:08:57,201 --> 00:08:59,035
Hey, suburbs.
When we get to the back,
203
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,604
Let me do all the talking because
ray-ray will eat you alive.
204
00:09:01,672 --> 00:09:03,139
Look, I'm a natural
negotiator.
205
00:09:03,207 --> 00:09:05,442
And I know how
to play the part.
206
00:09:05,509 --> 00:09:07,644
Look.
207
00:09:07,711 --> 00:09:08,645
How do I look?
208
00:09:08,712 --> 00:09:10,780
Like a schmuck.
209
00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:19,756
Kenny!
What's goin' on, man?
210
00:09:19,824 --> 00:09:20,857
Same hustle, baby.
211
00:09:20,925 --> 00:09:22,325
What up, foo?
212
00:09:24,995 --> 00:09:25,995
This is my friend
Eddie.
213
00:09:26,063 --> 00:09:28,965
They call me
e-train.
214
00:09:29,033 --> 00:09:30,767
All right, e-train.
215
00:09:30,835 --> 00:09:32,502
What can I get for you?
216
00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:34,637
Ladies' purse.
217
00:09:35,706 --> 00:09:37,407
You got any
v. Patels in?
218
00:09:37,475 --> 00:09:39,576
Today's your lucky day,
gentlemen.
219
00:09:39,643 --> 00:09:41,978
We just got a brand-new
shipment of those in.
220
00:09:43,681 --> 00:09:46,449
Voila!
This what you're looking for?
221
00:09:46,517 --> 00:09:48,685
True dat.
222
00:09:48,752 --> 00:09:49,919
200 dollars.
223
00:09:49,987 --> 00:09:51,054
Oh, I get it.
224
00:09:51,122 --> 00:09:52,956
That's a schmo price.
225
00:09:53,023 --> 00:09:54,824
What be
the pro price?
226
00:09:56,427 --> 00:09:57,760
What's he saying?
227
00:09:57,828 --> 00:09:59,996
He wants to know
if you could do better.
228
00:10:00,064 --> 00:10:03,566
Oh, no!
That's the price.
229
00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:06,769
Okay, fine. Then we
just gonna ba-nounce.
230
00:10:06,837 --> 00:10:08,705
We're gonna hit the bricks.
231
00:10:08,772 --> 00:10:10,573
Agitate the gravel.
232
00:10:11,075 --> 00:10:11,975
I don't...
233
00:10:12,042 --> 00:10:14,410
I think he's saying
we're gonna leave.
234
00:10:14,478 --> 00:10:16,045
Okay. Well, if you
change your mind,
235
00:10:16,113 --> 00:10:17,247
The bag'll still be here.
236
00:10:17,314 --> 00:10:19,048
Oh, but I am leaving
at 3:00 today.
237
00:10:19,116 --> 00:10:20,850
I have to go to a play at
my daughter's preschool.
238
00:10:20,918 --> 00:10:22,018
She's playing a tree.
239
00:10:22,086 --> 00:10:24,354
No lines.
Still gotta go.
240
00:10:24,421 --> 00:10:26,289
All right, ray-ray. We're
gonna get out of here, man.
241
00:10:26,357 --> 00:10:27,557
All right.
242
00:10:27,625 --> 00:10:30,760
All right, playboy. Papa's
good to give you 2 large.
243
00:10:30,828 --> 00:10:34,297
You just offered him
2,000 dollars.
244
00:10:35,666 --> 00:10:37,267
Okay, listen. I'm gonna
level with you.
245
00:10:37,334 --> 00:10:40,470
I'm just a white guy trying
to buy my wife a handbag.
246
00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:52,551
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
247
00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:54,486
Oh, my God!
248
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:57,189
You like it?
Like it? I love it!
249
00:10:57,256 --> 00:10:58,723
I love it,
I love...oh!
250
00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:01,359
I just...I can't...
I gotta pee.
251
00:11:02,762 --> 00:11:04,629
I can hold it.
252
00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:07,999
Okay, look at me
for a second, okay?
253
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:09,868
I love you.
I-I love you.
254
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:12,504
I'm loving you.
255
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:14,072
And how much of that
is because of the bag?
256
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,373
I don't know,
maybe 90%.
257
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,109
But the rest
is all you!
258
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:20,212
Wow, 10%. That's like
a record for me.
259
00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:22,280
Oh, I just...
I can't believe it. I...
260
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,449
Wow! I mean, how could
you afford this, Eddie?
261
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,119
This is, like, a... this is,
like, a 2,000 dollars bag.
262
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,888
Yeah, 2 large.
263
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:32,791
Where did you get
the money for this?
264
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,860
Sold a lot of blood.
Sold a lot of blood.
265
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:37,362
Yeah. They said I could
give more because I'm bigger.
266
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,731
Oh, God!
267
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,367
You know what in
particular about this bag
268
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,136
Is extra fantastic?
269
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:47,005
There's a little secret pocket
inside for your cell phone.
270
00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:49,341
And right next to it is
this little leather tab
271
00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:52,077
That is signed personally by
v. Patel. I'll show it to you.
272
00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:58,049
It's not here.
Why wouldn't it be here?
273
00:11:58,117 --> 00:11:59,918
Honey? I have...
Listen to me.
274
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:02,187
I have something to tell you
and you're not gonna be happy.
275
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,089
Oh, here it is.
276
00:12:11,998 --> 00:12:15,000
What did you want
to tell me?
277
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,702
I'm addicted
to internet porn.
278
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,976
Oh. I love it.
279
00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:28,146
I love it.
I want to marry it.
280
00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:30,882
I would sign a big 'ol
pre-nup for this.
281
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,051
Oh, God.
I love it, too.
282
00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:35,554
And not just because
it's designer, or expensive,
283
00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:36,922
But, you know,
when I carry it,
284
00:12:36,989 --> 00:12:38,924
I feel like
I'm better than other people.
285
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,694
Hey.
This came from Eddie?
286
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,796
I mean, no offense,
but he seems like
287
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:48,233
Such a bad husband.
288
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,936
Oh, none taken. He is.
289
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:54,839
Correction. He was.
Now, he's a God.
290
00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:57,242
Oh, come on!
I'm not God.
291
00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:01,746
I'm just
God's big tool.
292
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:04,716
So, you taking the
bag for a spin,
293
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,017
Are you, simona?
Yeah.
294
00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,118
How's she feel?
295
00:13:07,186 --> 00:13:09,054
Like
a million bucks.
296
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:11,656
Well, you're not
that far off. Ha ha.
297
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:14,826
But nothing is too good
for my baby.
298
00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:16,728
Listen, we're gonna take a little
walk around the neighborhood.
299
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,964
I want to show it
to that bitch marlene parker.
300
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,272
Hi. Excuse me.
301
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:28,807
Hi...
302
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:31,209
My husband,
bought this bag for me.
303
00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:33,144
And... I love it.
304
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,847
And I love him
for buying it for me.
305
00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:37,916
But, it's the creme brulee,
306
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,252
And I wanted to exchange
it for the swiss chocolate.
307
00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:42,988
Oh, certainly.
No problem.
308
00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:48,627
Yeah.
309
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:57,168
Is there a problem?
310
00:13:57,236 --> 00:13:59,804
Yeah.
311
00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:01,940
Have you ever owned
one of these bags before?
312
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,241
No. It's my first.
313
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:06,845
Yeah. Actually,
it's really not.
314
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,215
What...what's wrong?
315
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,684
This bag
is actually a knock-off.
316
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,419
It would take a
sophisticated eye to notice,
317
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:16,855
So I'm not surprised
that you didn't.
318
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:20,425
I am being treated
very poorly here.
319
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,760
I'm a paying customer.
320
00:14:21,827 --> 00:14:24,296
Yeah.
You're really not.
321
00:14:26,098 --> 00:14:28,366
How do you know I don't
shop here all the time?
322
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:30,402
Your eye shadow?
323
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:33,905
As you might imagine,
324
00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:35,740
We at v. Patel
frown upon those
325
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,942
Who try to exchange fake
bags for authentic ones.
326
00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:40,979
I mean, that's kind of
like stealing 2,000 dollars.
327
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:44,416
Well, I'm sure that you at
v. Patel frown upon that,
328
00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:46,284
But I am not stealing
anything, okay?
329
00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:47,719
That bag
is perfectly real.
330
00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:49,087
So you can v. Suck it.
331
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:53,625
Excuse me, ma'am.
332
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:55,493
Where did you
come from? Hey, did...
333
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:57,829
Did you hit one of those
silent alarm buttons
334
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,030
Under the counter?
335
00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:01,366
Yeah.
I kinda did.
336
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:03,401
You seem like a runner.
337
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:06,905
Come on, you keep
forgetting to ante.
338
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:07,505
Put it in, shaft.
339
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:11,076
Oh! Sorry,
I got beer on the rug.
340
00:15:11,143 --> 00:15:12,243
Ah, don't worry
about that.
341
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:13,545
Joy will take care
of it.
342
00:15:13,612 --> 00:15:14,746
I bought her
a fancy purse.
343
00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:15,880
I'm bulletproof.
344
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:20,985
I'm not even gonna do
it. I'll clean it later.
345
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:25,890
Hello?
346
00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:28,059
Hey, honey. Guys,
say hi to Joy.
347
00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:29,794
Hi, Joy.
348
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:32,297
See? That was
for you. No girls.
349
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:37,502
I...what...no.
350
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:40,071
Honey...
351
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:44,809
Okay. I'm gonna,
352
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:46,911
Have to make a
quick trip to the mall.
353
00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:49,547
Hank, you're
a divorce lawyer.
354
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,850
Leave your business
card before you go.
355
00:15:56,793 --> 00:15:58,960
Look. We can do this
the easy way,
356
00:15:59,028 --> 00:16:01,797
Or the hard way.
All I want to know is
357
00:16:01,864 --> 00:16:03,298
Where'd you
get this bag?
358
00:16:03,366 --> 00:16:07,536
I told you. It was a gift
from my dead husband.
359
00:16:07,603 --> 00:16:10,038
How did he die?
I'll let you know.
360
00:16:13,309 --> 00:16:15,710
Hey, honey.
Eddie.
361
00:16:15,778 --> 00:16:18,079
How could you
get me a fake bag?
362
00:16:18,147 --> 00:16:20,382
Fake? Fake.
363
00:16:20,450 --> 00:16:21,883
Fake? Fake.
364
00:16:21,951 --> 00:16:24,252
Okay, you can stop saying
"fake". We know it's a fake.
365
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,154
Whoa. Who...whoa.
366
00:16:26,222 --> 00:16:28,557
Whoa...
stop it.
367
00:16:28,624 --> 00:16:30,025
How did you find out?
368
00:16:30,092 --> 00:16:32,527
Well, I tried
to return it.
369
00:16:32,595 --> 00:16:33,695
You did what?
370
00:16:33,763 --> 00:16:36,398
I wanted a slightly
different color.
371
00:16:36,466 --> 00:16:38,600
So you tried
to return the bag
372
00:16:38,668 --> 00:16:40,869
That I gave you
with love?
373
00:16:40,937 --> 00:16:42,904
It's a fake bag,
Eddie.
374
00:16:42,972 --> 00:16:45,740
Yeah,
but you didn't know that.
375
00:16:45,808 --> 00:16:48,276
For all you knew,
It was an expensive
376
00:16:48,344 --> 00:16:50,111
And heartfelt gift.
377
00:16:50,179 --> 00:16:52,080
Are you trying
to play the victim here?
378
00:16:52,148 --> 00:16:54,983
Hey, I am
the victim here.
379
00:16:55,051 --> 00:16:58,119
I pretended to spend
2,000 dollars on you.
380
00:16:58,187 --> 00:17:00,856
Do you realize how hard
I would have to work
381
00:17:00,923 --> 00:17:02,858
To make 2,000 dollars?
382
00:17:02,925 --> 00:17:05,026
But you really didn't.
383
00:17:05,094 --> 00:17:07,896
But you didn't know that.
384
00:17:07,964 --> 00:17:11,333
For all you knew,
I donated 12 pints of blood.
385
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,768
12? Yes, 12. I'm
a bigger person...
386
00:17:13,836 --> 00:17:16,438
To buy you
this precious bag.
387
00:17:16,506 --> 00:17:18,907
But again,
you didn't really do it.
388
00:17:18,975 --> 00:17:21,511
But again, you didn't
really know it.
389
00:17:22,178 --> 00:17:25,714
This is absurd. Will you please
tell him that this is absurd?
390
00:17:25,782 --> 00:17:27,683
He does have a point,
ma'am.
391
00:17:28,885 --> 00:17:31,553
You didn't know.
392
00:17:31,621 --> 00:17:35,057
Thank you, "couldn't get a
real police officer job" Rick.
393
00:17:35,125 --> 00:17:37,292
Whoa, whoa. Do not
come down on Rick.
394
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,094
He makes a lot
of sense.
395
00:17:39,162 --> 00:17:40,929
Oh, so it's all
my fault. Okay?
396
00:17:40,997 --> 00:17:44,066
For 20 years, you've been
writing me these useless coupons.
397
00:17:44,134 --> 00:17:45,501
You finally buy me
something,
398
00:17:45,568 --> 00:17:48,303
And I'm getting the third
degree from officer walrus.
399
00:17:51,574 --> 00:17:53,575
You get one more, lady.
400
00:17:55,111 --> 00:17:57,079
And then I cry.
401
00:17:59,282 --> 00:18:00,616
Okay.
402
00:18:00,683 --> 00:18:03,185
I'm gonna ask you, Rick,
403
00:18:03,253 --> 00:18:05,988
To ask the prisoner what
she would like me to do.
404
00:18:06,055 --> 00:18:09,091
I obviously can't afford
a 2,000 dollars bag.
405
00:18:09,159 --> 00:18:10,893
But I didn't ask you
to do that.
406
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,561
I would've been happy
if you bought me
407
00:18:12,629 --> 00:18:14,296
The scarf
that Kenny gave me.
408
00:18:14,364 --> 00:18:16,632
Oh, come on, Joy. I've
given you gifts like that.
409
00:18:16,699 --> 00:18:18,800
They never meant anything. No.
410
00:18:18,868 --> 00:18:20,202
I gave you that bag,
you looked at me
411
00:18:20,270 --> 00:18:22,938
Like I was a rock star.
I did not.
412
00:18:23,006 --> 00:18:24,840
She did.
She almost peed herself.
413
00:18:24,908 --> 00:18:27,609
Almost peed
in her pants.
414
00:18:27,677 --> 00:18:28,777
Honey!
415
00:18:28,845 --> 00:18:31,747
All right, look.
416
00:18:31,814 --> 00:18:33,849
The point is, I...
417
00:18:33,917 --> 00:18:37,019
I know you think those little
coupons I give you are silly,
418
00:18:37,086 --> 00:18:40,122
But it's only because
I can't afford
419
00:18:40,190 --> 00:18:42,791
To give you
what I'd like to.
420
00:18:42,859 --> 00:18:45,160
Let alone
what you deserve.
421
00:18:45,228 --> 00:18:48,697
And I don't want
to disappoint you.
422
00:18:50,166 --> 00:18:53,468
If I may...
423
00:18:56,172 --> 00:18:58,407
Obviously, him giving you
that fake bag
424
00:18:58,474 --> 00:19:01,343
Wasn't a
great idea, but...
425
00:19:01,411 --> 00:19:03,445
He seems to be trying
to express some real feelings
426
00:19:03,513 --> 00:19:06,682
Of insecurity here, and...
427
00:19:06,749 --> 00:19:10,018
Well, I think you
should validate that.
428
00:19:15,925 --> 00:19:17,559
Really?
429
00:19:18,428 --> 00:19:20,696
36 years.
430
00:19:20,763 --> 00:19:22,664
All right.
431
00:19:22,732 --> 00:19:25,067
I'm sorry, babe.
432
00:19:25,134 --> 00:19:26,868
In the future,
433
00:19:26,936 --> 00:19:29,504
I will try
to appreciate
434
00:19:29,572 --> 00:19:31,873
The crap
you can afford.
435
00:19:31,941 --> 00:19:34,042
And I will try
to put more thought
436
00:19:34,110 --> 00:19:37,079
Into the crap
that I buy you.
437
00:19:37,146 --> 00:19:39,014
I love you.
Love you.
438
00:19:39,082 --> 00:19:41,583
Ah, this is beautiful.
439
00:19:41,651 --> 00:19:44,253
Why don't you two lovebirds
get out of here, huh?
440
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,221
I'll clean up
this whole handbag mess.
441
00:19:47,824 --> 00:19:49,324
Well, thank you,
officer Rick.
442
00:19:49,392 --> 00:19:51,026
Thank you.
443
00:19:51,094 --> 00:19:52,961
You know...
444
00:19:53,029 --> 00:19:56,398
Moments like these are why
I got into the whole
445
00:19:56,466 --> 00:20:00,836
Retail security game
in the first place. Ha ha.
446
00:20:00,903 --> 00:20:03,372
That, and the hauntingly
447
00:20:03,439 --> 00:20:05,674
Beautiful mannequins
448
00:20:05,742 --> 00:20:08,176
In the bridal shop windows.
449
00:20:16,052 --> 00:20:17,319
Eddie, you don't
have to do this.
450
00:20:17,387 --> 00:20:19,688
No, this is about
defending my wife's honor.
451
00:20:19,756 --> 00:20:21,990
Is this the guy right here? Yeah.
452
00:20:22,058 --> 00:20:23,759
Excuse me.
Hi.
453
00:20:23,826 --> 00:20:27,296
Nice jean jacket.
454
00:20:27,363 --> 00:20:29,798
I understand that you
are under the impression
455
00:20:29,866 --> 00:20:33,969
That you think people like
us can't afford to shop here.
456
00:20:34,037 --> 00:20:36,405
I just came by to tell you
that it is my wife's birthday,
457
00:20:36,472 --> 00:20:39,541
And we will be purchasing
a v. Patel item.
458
00:20:39,609 --> 00:20:42,577
And to think I almost
called in sick today.
459
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:47,049
Let's see, we have
the weekend bag. Classy.
460
00:20:47,116 --> 00:20:49,584
We have the briefcase.
Always comes in handy.
461
00:20:49,652 --> 00:20:51,620
Those start
in the 800s.
462
00:20:53,156 --> 00:20:55,490
I know my wife
well enough to realize
463
00:20:55,558 --> 00:21:00,529
That she's probably
a v. Patel keychain gal.
464
00:21:00,596 --> 00:21:03,031
That'll be 350 dollars.
465
00:21:03,099 --> 00:21:04,533
You're right.
466
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,102
We really can't afford
to shop here.
467
00:21:07,170 --> 00:21:09,638
But I'm pretty sure
that either one of us
468
00:21:09,706 --> 00:21:11,740
Could kick your ass.
469
00:21:18,514 --> 00:21:20,916
I say we get a coffee
470
00:21:20,983 --> 00:21:23,218
And wait out his shift.
471
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:36,000
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00:21:36,050 --> 00:21:40,600
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