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'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, here comes our waitress.

Everybody close your menus,

Get your fork and knife in the go positions

So she knows we're ready to order. Come on.

Looks like you guys need some more time.

I'll be back in a minute.

No, no...see, she's not going to be back in a minute.

That's a dirty lie.

Come on, let's get it together, people!

Okay, I think I'm going to get the veggie burger.

No, I don't want the veggie burger.

What does it have to do with you?

Because I'm going to spend 10 bucks for a burger,

She's gonna take 2 bites of it and say she's full.

Who do you think's going to eat the leftovers, Boxcar Willy?

Come on, just go with the eggplant.

Daddy, how many times do I have to tell you,

I don't like eggplant.

Oh, oh, okay!

I can get the eggplant if you'd like, sir.

I'm not ready to share food with you.

Well, I should probably tell you

That I've used your soap.

Okay, here she comes.

Everybody, close your menus. Close your menus.

But I haven't picked yet.

No, you're done, grape nut.

Hey. Are you guys ready to order?

Yes, we are, Dina.

Okay. Why don't you start us off, Allie?

I'm going to have the ravioli.

I'll have the salmon.

And do...

Do you have some sort of vegetable pie or something?

We have a plate of grilled vegetables.

As I'm not allowed to look at the menu for other options,

I'll have that.

Dina, I'm gonna go with the tuscan steak.

Now, you know how on the plate they have the fries and the salad?

And if you could hollow out a little nest in the middle

For the ketchup, that'd be marvelous.

Ketchup nest. Got it.

Okay. Now,

Please remember, when I say more fries,

Take into account that I'm the size of one and a half people.

So...

You know what, I'm not even going to put them on the plate.

I'm gonna bring them over in a wheelbarrow.

Oh, I like the cut of your jib.

Thank you. Yep.

Thank you, darling. Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks.

Oh, and, it's wheelbarrel.

Wheelbarrel.

Barrel. You said wheelbarrow.

It's just...Giving you a little head's up.

Thank you?

What? I was just trying to be helpful.

I mean, if I were mispronouncing a word,

I would want someone to tell me.

Would you now?

Yes.

What? What is going on?

Oh, what is going on is,

It is actually wheelbarrow.

No, it's not. That's ridiculous.

It's wheelbarrel, barrel.

It's a barrel with a wheel on it.

Except...That it isn't.

Yeah...it is.

Barrel is a word.

What the hell is barrow?

The right way to say it.

No, it's wheelbarrel. Wheelbarrel.

Okay, look, stop saying wheelbarrel,

You sound like a hillbilly.

Yeah, you know, it's not a big deal.

You remember, I used to think that these were called eyebrowns.

You thought that when you were 3.

Here's some bread.

And your wheelbarrel of fries.

So...

You really didn't think it was pronounced wheelbarrel...

Oh, my God! Do I not feel bad enough already?!

Sorry, sorry.

Eddie?

Can I ask you something?

Do you think that I'm dumb?

No! Good.

'cause sometimes I think that I am.

Honey, one little silly word. Come on!

It's not about the stupid wheelbarrel thing, okay?

It's because... barrow.

What?

Wheelbarrow.

It's okay, because every time I go somewhere,

I feel like there is a sign over my head

Saying that I didn't finish college.

Like, at work and parties and at restaurants.

I mean, Allie is almost through her junior year,

And I'm just her doofus mom that reads celebrity magazines.

Do you realize that I can name every country

Where angelina's children are from?

But I can't point to any one of them on a map!

Honey, come...all right, don't, please.

So geography's not your subject.

I'm a travel agent!

I mean, even you make me feel like a dope.

You teach, you read books,

You write in cursive.

Look, hone just because I have

A little more thirst for knowledge,

It's no big deal.

You have your strengths.

I do?

Yes.

You know, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

Sometimes I actually think of us

As arthur miller and marilyn monroe.

What?

Well, I'm tall, jewish and intellectual,

And you're famous for your boobies.

I mean, not worldwide,

But, I mean, like at the market and such.

I don't want to be known for my boobies.

All right. Joy-Joy,

Let me tell you something. What?

You can be a phd, physicist,

Astronaut, and I'm still gonna be lookin' right there.

I want to go back to school.

What?

Yeah, I think that getting back into the academic world

Would be good for me.

It would force me to use my brain again.

All of this because you don't know how to pronounce wheelbarrow?

You don't have to go back to school,

You gotta go to a farm.

I'm serious.

They have classes at the community college.

I could go at night.

Night? No, not night. That's our time.

That's when I watch tv downstairs

And you watch tv upstairs.

You are not being supportive at all!

Honey, I just don't think you have the patience

At this point in your life to go back to school.

I mean, you didn't have it back then.

You couldn't even finish because you were drinking and partying.

That's not true! I didn't finish

Because you got me pregnant!

To stop you from drinking and partying.

Listen, I don't want to go back to college to party.

I'm an adult.

I want to go back because...

I don't know, the closer Allie gets to getting her degree,

The worse I feel about not having mine.

All right.

Look.

If that's what you want,

You go for it.

Okay?

Really?

Oh, thank you.

And I'm telling you, by this time next year,

I will totally know how to say wheelbarrel.

Barrow.

God, it just does not sound right at all.

It is, though.

Ah, there she is. Look at my school girl!

What do you think of those glasses?

Man, I love those glasses.

Yeah? What about the pencil in the hair?

Whoo, I'd like her to take it out and shake it out!

You know what I'm gonna do?

I am going to take a picture

And send it to the local newspaper,

"hard livin' housewife hits the books."

Now take one of me

Being a professor who's very impressed with her work.

Got it.

Okay, now take one of me

Being a professor who just gave her an "a"

For inappropriate reasons.

You gotta sit in my lap for this one.

Okay, you know what, why don't you take a picture of me failing,

Because that is exactly what's going to happen

If I don't finish this paper.

It's due tomorrow!

All right, honey.

It's just, we're so proud of you.

We are. You know what we're going to do,

We're gonna go in the living room,

Watch a little tv, okay? No, no, no!

I need the living room. My study group is coming over.

I need you out of the house.

Will anybody in your study group be bringing crudit�s?

Do you not know what that means?

Get out.

We gotta move, people. Come on!

How about we go over Marbury vs. Madison again,

'cause I am not entirely clear on that.

No, you know what I'm not entirely clear on?

Is why it's Thursday night, 9:30,

And we're not at a bar.

What...no, we have a lot to do.

We cannot go out drinking.

You know what, you're right.

We'll drink here.

Hello, liquor cabinet!

Hey, no. No liquor, no.

I have to do this. You guys are young,

You can afford to screw up your lives.

I am out of second chances.

Joy, you're tense.

I mean, you got a lot on your plate.

You got full-time job.

You've got your own house here

That you probably have to, you know, vacuum and stuff.

You know, plus you're going back to school.

And that must be stressful.

It is stressful.

You deserve some you time. I do.

I mean, what... What's the problem?

Do you don't like to drink?

I love to drink.

Yes!

Like that?

College rocks!

Oh, hi, baby!

This is my study group.

Baby, could you run down to the corner

And get mama Joy-Joy some menthols?

Mom, are you drunk?

I hope so, because we are out of booze.

Okay, all right, guys, party's over.

Let's go, everyone. Out, out, out, out.

Let's go. Come on.

Bye, Joy. Okay, come on, mom. Let's get up!

Come on, let's get up. Okay.

Oh, hey, man.

Do you know where I can score some...

Yeah, I do. But get out.

Doug, she is wasted.

That's ok, that's okay,

I used to work the bad trip tent at burning man.

All right, hey, dude!

Dude, your face is not melting.

It just feels like it is, okay?

Oh, my God, dad's home.

Oh, God, dad, he can't see me like this.

No, he was so proud. He took pictures.

Hide me.

Let's hide her.

Here.

Hide me.

Hello, people.

Hey, dad.

Lime, salt, booze.

Okay, where's your mother?

I fe...

Hmm, yes.

If I were Joy, where...

Would I be?

All right, kids, come on out.

Give me and your mom some privacy. Come on.

Well, you don't... you don't think

Maybe we should have a family discussion about this?

Well, if I did,

You and your hemp hat wouldn't be in the picture.

Hi, babe.

I can't believe you. You're drunk.

This is exactly what you did the first time you went to college.

Except this time,

I studied prior to my drinking.

I'm good. Are you?

Got it all up here.

So...

What have you been studying?

Boston tea party.

And what can you tell me about the boston tea party?

It was in boston.

But what happened?

They threw the tea overboard.

Who threw the tea overboard?

The germans.

Why would the germans come to boston

To throw tea overboard?

Eddie, germans are pretty mean.

Ok, you are a hot mess.

You were right, ok? I cannot do this

At this point in my life.

I mean, I go to work all day

And then I come home and I have to fold your giant pants.

I mean, do you know how long that takes?

It's like packing up a tent.

And I...I have a paper due that I have to write

And it's due tomorrow,

And if I don't get a b minus, I'm going to fail this class.

Look, you're not going to fail it, ok?

We're gonna write it together. I will help you.

I'm a history teacher, you know.

I don't want help!

Okay? I just want it all to go away.

Oh, come on, daddy! Come on!

Oh, come on!

Take me upstairs. Let's make a baby

So mama doesn't have to go to school.

Oh, no, no!

I will take you upstairs,

But immediately after, we're going to write this paper together.

Joy...

We're about to embark on a journey.

A journey that, heretofore,

You and I have never taken together.

A journey through America.

Let's get started, shall we?

Okay, here we go.

Honey, honey, honey.

Let's pump the brakes a little here.

Why?Hat's wrong?

You just don't write a paper.

You have to let the topic just wash over you.

Do you understand?

I'll tell you what... close your eyes.

All right, why do I have to...

Pssh, close your eyes.

Where are we?

We're in our house...

Bop bop bop bop, where are we, darling?

Is it... Philadelphia?

Perhaps. But not the philly of today.

It is 1776.

And things are quite different.

Is there a liberty bell?

But guess what?

No crack.

There is a modest candle maker

Named Jedidiah who seems...

Wow, it is like I'm there. Let's get a'writin'!

Okay! Honey, wait.

Wait!

Listen to me, listen to me.

The first sentence is so important.

It has to grab the reader by the throat

And tell him, "hey, buddy,

You're about to take the ride of your life!"

Okay.

Okay!

How about something like...

This. "when betsy ross started sewing that flag,

"she had no idea how the revolution

Would change the role of women in this country."

Okay, or how about this?

What...do you mind?

What...I'm sorry, you're right, that was rude.

Okay.

Let me take it over here.

Passed the course!

Hey! Congratulations.

I got my paper back, and I have passed the course.

Well, technically, we passed the course.

You did most of the work,

But I did sleep with you,

So it's not like I didn't make any sacrifice.

Okay. So, what'd you get?

Ba-bling! B-minus.

What's up! What's up!

B-minus?

B-minus.

You saved my bacon, you giant jewish wordsmith.

There's red marks all over here.

It looks like somebody stabbed my paper.

I don't understand.

What's to understand? I passed.

I'm gonna go upstairs and freshen up,

And we're gonna go for a celebratory dinner.

But a b-minus is a grade for potheads,

Pregnant girls, and dudes with mono.

It's over, Eddie, let it go.

Oh, it's far from over.

Professor Debasky?

How are you?

I'm Eddie Stark.

My wife Joy is in your class.

Could we chat for just a second?

Oh, of course. Please.

Sorry about the small space.

I'm getting a bigger office.

If that poly sci professor would just hurry up and die already.

I'm kidding.

I am getting a bigger office, though.

That part is no joke.

Well, my wife really can't say enough about you.

She loves your class. Oh, thanks.

You must be a gifted instructor.

Yes, thank you.

It's totally wasted here.

I'm in hell!

Okay, it's...

Actually, it's about her paper.

You gave her a b-minus, and quite frankly,

I was surprised.

Let's see.

Oh, yeah!

Well, you know, it's not quite a minus pape

But I feel like she worked hard on it.

So, you're welcome.

No, no, I don't think you understand.

You see, I'm a history teacher.

And I...

Oh, where do you teach?

Winston Churchill High School.

Oh, high school.

What does that mean?

Well, looking at this paper from a high school standpoint,

It's ok, but looking at it from a college standpoint...

Community college.

What does that mean?

Ah, I think we both know what that means.

What is it you would like me to do for you, Mr. Stark?

Up the grade, my brother.

Look, I have a meeting with my book agent

At my mom's house in 15 minutes.

In deference to your professional opinion,

What do you say I just put a line through that nasty minus,

Make it a b-plus?

Well, that would be great,

If it was a b-plus.

But it's not.

It's an "a."

It is not an "a."

It is.

It is derivative and pedestrian.

It is cogent and illuminating.

Who the hell gets an "a" in your class

If a history teacher gets a b-minus?

But you didn't write it, Mr. Stark. Your wife did.

What are you, crazy?

"Soon, the Abigail Adams model became ubiquitous;

The prototype for the modern day single mother."

You think my dingbat wife could have written that?

Come on, the woman doesn't even know how to pronounce wheelbarrow!

You saying you wrote this paper?

Did I stutter?

Again, I'm really sorry I got you kicked out of college.

Yes, I know.

Look, I just... I just didn't think

That I deserved a b-minus.

Yes, you said that before.

Well, yeah. I mean, you know, it wasn't

The best thing I ever wrote,

But clearly, I had to do it so quickly...

Don't care.

And by the way, you don't need a piece of paper

To tell you how smart you are.

You're very smart.

You know, you're no magellan,

But you got life experiences, you got common sense,

You can't find that in a book, right?

You know what?

You're right.

I don't need to prove anything to anybody.

That's my girl.

Hi. Hey.

Are you guys ready to order

Yes, we are. Hey.I will have

The bacon barbecue cheddar burger, and...

The boneless wing trio.

And for you?

I'm feeling like italian tonight.

I'd like to try the gnocchi.

Did you mean the...

Bop, bop, bop, bop, she means the gnocchi!

Go get it!

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