Original subtitles

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'Til Death is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Okey-dokey.

Let's do this.

Wow! What's with the shirt, Magnum?

Well, it's my vacation shirt.

You like it?

Hmm...I don't and I don't.

Well, you better get used to it,

because I bought a 5-pack of these babies at the carwash

and this is the subtle one.

All right, that's everything. I hope the kids are ready.

Yeah, tell me once again...

Why do we have to take a complete stranger on our family vacation?

Eddie, Doug is not a complete stranger.

He's your daughter's fiance.

I thought we agreed not to say the "f" word.

Come on, if you want to spend time with Ally,

you gotta spend time with Doug,

Even if that involves the occasional conversation

about how if everyone owned a frisbee, there would be no war.

Oh, God! They're gonna be in their own room

and every morning we're gonna have to look at the afterglow.

I'm telling you, if I have to look at that afterglow

At the buffet, I'm throwing the omelet bar into the ocean.

All right, come on, let's hit it.

The sooner we get to the airport,

The sooner I can have a cinnamon roll and a beer.

I just want to say how touched I am

To be included in your family vacation.

Well, you're family now, Doug. Right, Eddie?

Oh, go to hell, woman.

All right, come on, let's hit it.

We got a tight schedule.

I also just want to say

that as we embark on this journey and...

Future journeys,

I will be proud to assume the mantle of alpha male,

As Mr. Stark inevitably fades.

Captioning made possible by sony pictures television

Why don't you start now and pick up the big bag?

Hey, Kenny, how are you?

Hey, what's going on?

Sad times, man, real sad.

My nana died.

Oh... Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry about that.

It's ok.

I just need to be around good friends right now

to comfort me in my time of need.

Oh, well, Kenny, we're here for you.

Unfortunately, right now we're headed for florida,

So we won't actually be here for you,

we're gonna be... There...For you.

Yeah, bottom line is, wherever we are,

We're gonna be somewhere for you.

Well, here, why don't you come along?

Yeah, yeah, you know, as much as I like to travel

With as many people as humanly possible,

The flight takes off in a couple hours, so we really gotta...

Oh, that's no problem.

My nana left me over 200,000 frequent flyer miles.

She traveled the world with earth, wind & fire.

Yeah, and maybe you could stay in our room.

No... Doug, I thought we were gonna spend most of our time...

Oh, yeah. You can't stay with us.

You know, on second thought, I think that's a great idea.

Why don't you join us on the vacation

And you can share a room with our daughter and her boyfriend.

Fantastic! And since I do not have a bag,

I will also be sharing a toothbrush and a pair of pants.

I don't understand why you insist on buying a giant pink beach bag

If I'm the only one that's gonna be carrying it.

I'm thinking 6 feet of leg ending in a sandal

Might be what they're pointing at.

Hey, look, these are the longest trunks

They sold at the pharmacy.

It doesn't matter anyway. No one gonna see us

Because we're here at 8 a.M.

Listen, you know as well as I do

That you gotta get out here early

To get the good chairs, ok?

Or else we're hovering and wandering... "oh, did they go to lunch?

I wonder why they left the hat."

I'm not gonna do the dance, Joy. I'm not doing the dance.

Groom's side, bride's side,

Azaleas here, candles lining the railings, and of course,

The bride will enter

From cool locker rm "a."

Oh! That sounds great.

Oh, look, babe. There must be a wedding here this weekend.

Yeah, well, that's a reason

Why I didn't get a partial ocean view.

I swear to God, I will blow this place up.

All right, here, here...

Cop a squat.

Yes, rig here. Here, really?

Don't you see?

It's equal distance from the pool,

The ladies' john, and the bar.

One place to drink, two places to pee, you're welcome.

All right.

Oh, hey, could you,

put some of this on my back?

Yeah, can't do that, kid.

Come on, Eddie!

Well, why don't you just squirt it on the chair

And squiggle in it?

Do you want me to burn? I'm gonna burn.

How can you burn? The sun isn't even out yet.

Ok, the rays go through the clouds, Mr. Science.

Look, you know what? Forget it. Never mind.

Oh...all right, now, now, here, give it to me.

Give it to me. No.

Just...here, give it to me. No.

Great. Well...

All right? All right.

Did you get it all even?

Yeah. Yeah, it's, uh, it's incredibly even.

'cse it feels clumpy.

Well, you want it clumpy.

That way the sun won't penetrate throug that c puddle.

Oh, my. That...

That's romantic.

Look, the important thing

is that we're together on vacation.

Here's your book. See you in 7 hours.

Thanks.

Morning, pumpkin.

Morning, snookie.

Mornin', pumpkin and snookie.

Stop! Don't do that, Kenny, no.

So, Kenny, how are you?

Oh, I'm doing all righ

I've been thinking about my nana a lot.

But I'm getting past it.

Wh are you guys doing today?

Oh, probably just gonna sleep, you know,

Relax, spend some quality time with my fiancee.

Sounds good to me.

Or maybe we should get up.

Hey, Kenny...

It might be a good idea

For you to get out, you know?

Apparently there's a family of sea turtles

that lives in the lagoon outside.

Oh, cool!

It says here they,

they can live up to 200 years.

Damn it, nana, why couldn't you be a sea turtle?

I don't know, man, I'll probably just hang in the room all day.

Oh, ok.

Well, how would you like to take a romantic horseback ride on the beach?

That might do the trick!

No, I was talking to Allison.

That's ok, bring her along.

Dibs on the first shower.

See?

Hoverers.

That could have been us.

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

Where'd you get that peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Well, now, you're a little hostile with your question.

But if you must know, I made it and brought it from home.

Want a bite?

Believe it or not, no.

Oh! Forgive me

for presenting her highness

With one of america's favorite foods.

I'm sorry. I just assumed that on vacation

We would be eating food that was prepared in the same state.

Well, by that rationale,

We would be paying 22 dollars

for a santa fe chipotle Caesar.

You are unbelievable.

Yeah? Want to know what else is unbelievable?

Check this out. What?

I brought half of my root beer from the plane.

What is covering... is that the...

Band-aid that was on the back of your neck?

Maybe.

Oh, my God!

Come on, it ain't no thang.

It's all me. Come on.

Mm. I forgot I put my gum in there.

Oh, hey, mom, hey, dad.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Hey! Hey, wait a minute!

How come you guys didn't tell me you were leaving?

You know what? I want to thank you guys

For letting me pal around with you.

Not at all. We loved it.

You guys got pretty far ahead of me on those horses.

Yeah, well, we almost got stuck in that private cove all by ourselves,

But luckily you found us.

Ha ha! That I did.

Mr. Bojangles had to jump some pretty big rocks

To keep with you lovebirds. Ha ha ha ha!

3 part margaritas and 3 crazy straws.

Ok! Hee hee!

First one to the bottom has a pretty serious drinking problem.

Drink up!

My name is lisa, if you need anything.

What's your name if we don't need anything?

You're funny.

And, uh, he's also single.

And he's pretty easy on the eyes. Huh?

So, what are you guys doing today?

We're gonna go boogie-boarding.

Oh, I love boogie-boarding.

No kidding? No way.

Wow! That's...What?

You guys should totally go do that together.

Yeah. You mean just the two of us?

We don't even know each other.

Come on, you're both here, you both love boogie-boarding.

Seize the day.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Life.

He's right.

You guys don't want to come?

No. No, uh, we can't boogie-board

Because whenever I...

I float on water horizontally...

I vomit.

Yeah. Science has no explanation.

No.

So... but you guys have a good time

And we'll catch you on the flip-flop.

Uh, I know this is a bad way to start a date,

But I cannot pay for any of this.

If you're hungry, order some food.

I'm not hungry.

Then stop staring at my sandwich.

I'm not.

Good. 'cause I am gonna finish

This whole thing myself.

Fine.

What are you plans for the parsley and orange slice?

Honey, calm down.

I can't calm down.

Honestly, I just don't think I can go through with it.

It's totally normal to have cold feet.

This isn't cold feet.

This morning, I was at the pool,

and there was this really old married couple.

And they were miserable.

He wouldn't rub sunscreen on her,

And she just read her book and wouldn't even look at him.

I mean, at one point, his toe touched her leg

And she smacked it away.

Sounds a little bit like us.

That's because it is us.

We're the miserable old married couple.

Huh. Small world.

Hey, I wonder if you have to order the tacos

To hit the salsa bar.

I just started thinking, over 50% of couples get divorced,

And even if you stay together,

You end up like that.

I mean, if that's what marriage is,

I want no part of it.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God!

I'm...I'm so sorry.

No, no, no. No, that is ok. It's ok.

May I? Ok.

Listen, I couldn't help

But overhear what you were saying,

And, uh, I just wanted to let you know that you completely

Have the wrong impression of us.

Our marriage is awesome.

Of course it is.

Yes, it is. It is really awesome.

Tell her, Eddie...

Ok, that is not medium.

Eddie.

Come here.

I want you to tell this young lady

How awesome our marriage is.

It's the bomb.

You got us on a bad morning.

We love our lives.

In fact, to be honest, uh,

If we had it all to do over again, we wouldn't change a thing.

True. Though I may have go up one size in the pharmacy shorts, but...

Look, I didn't mean to offend you guys.

I'm sure your marriage is great.

Oh, it is. It is great.

I mean, we have our occasional disagreements,

Like any other couple.

We rarely have sex.

What are you doing?

You know what? We're gonna look at some flowers.

It was very nice meeting you.

That is what you're gonna leave her with?

You're right. Hey, don't worry, the first 2 months are a blast.

You know, I feel kind of bad

for pawning Kenny off on that waitress.

Oh, I think they're probably having a great time.

Why is there a sock on the door?

That is weird. Weird.

What's goin' on, guys?

Well, I thought you were going boogie-boarding

with the waitress.

Oh...oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We...

Just came back to the room to change into our swim suits

and...We're kind of still doing that.

Well... Okay,

do you guys think you'll be doing that for a while?

Uh... I imagine we will, yes.

By the way, I want to thank you guys so much

for hooking me up with her.

Yeah.

I'm really starting to feel better.

Well, absolutely, absolutely.

So, when do you think,

Uh, you'll be done with the room,

Because we would kind of hoping

To do what you guys are doing.

Oh...Well, I'm not sure.

Just keep your eye on the sock.

Hey, Eddie, I was just...

Minibar has weight sensors.

It can tell when I've taken something.

What are you doing?

Well, you know how in Indiana Jones

he replaced the idol with the bag of sand?

Yeah.

Well, why can't that work

With a large bag of...

Trail mix!

Don't you think the hotel is gonna notice

There's a rock in the refrigerator?

No, I think they're gonna be too busy

Trying to figure out what happened to the clock radio.

What's the matter? What's wrong?

Oh, I can't stop thinking

About that girl at lunch today.

Oh, you mean the pro that was working the bar?

No.

The girl that thought we were miserable and old.

Are you still going on with that?

What do you care what strangers think?

Eddie, she observed us for, like, 2 minutes,

And she was ready to call off her wedding.

I don't want to be the poster couple

For why you shouldn't get married.

Well, sure, we look miserable to them.

I mean, they're all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed

Because they're just beginning the race.

You and I, we've run a frickin' marathon together.

Of course we look like hell.

You know what? I'm not ok with that.

Come on, we're going out.

Yeah. What? You want to go out now?

No, but we were just gonna watch 6 complimentary minutes of baby mama.

No, no, no. We are going downstairs,

We're gonna do something romantic, and... put on pants.

N-no, no, not pants.

I'm on vacation so I don't have to wear pants.

I'm having a vacation from pants.

Whatever. Get dressed.

But...

All right, fine.

But keep your eyes peeled

For a rock that weighs the same as an apple juice.

Oh, my God!

This is ridiculous.

I'm not even into you right now.

I just want to get some sleep.

You are not champagne,

And you are not chocolates.

Come on, Kenny, just let us in.

Lisa and I are just getting to know each other.

You've been in there for 7 hours.

She's a complicated woman.

Well, can we at least get some pillows?

I don't want to be too specific,

But the pillows have been repurposed.

If the sock is hangin', don't bother bangin'.

You're hurting my hand.

Eddie, we are madly in love

and I am gonna prove it to that girl

if I have to rip your hand off and carry it around

without your stupid body attached.

Oh! There they are.

Ok. Act happy.

How can I act happy

when you're smiling like a nutcracker?

Come on.

Oh, hi there!

Hello again.

Nice to see you. We're out for

A moonlight stroll and a little romantic dinner for two.

Pull the chair out.

What? Pull the chair out.

Why, thank you, lover.

Wait, wait, wait.

Kiss on the cheek.

What?

Kiss on the cheek.

Dear God, people are trying to eat here.

Get hold of yourself.

Oh, you.

All right.

Now say something interesting and witty.

What are you talking about?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That is so interesting and witty!

Ok, now you laugh at what I say.

Ok. Say something funny and I'll laugh.

Pick up your menu, find a wine you can pronounce,

And order it, please.

You know, I really don't know what to say

On occasions like this, because I have never been married.

Oh...oh... oh! I have!

Shh! Please don't do this.

Let me just say this...

May...

May your marriage be as blessed as ours.

May you...

Laugh every day,

Make love every day...

And...

Just live every day!

To you.

That wasn't a very good speech.

No, it wasn't a very good speech.

I can't believe that for a moment

I actually thought that we could inspire other people to get married.

You see, now, that's funny.

You know what, Eddie? You're right.

I give up. Ok?

Hey, forget about dinner.

We'll just go across the street to the gas station

And pick up a can of tuna

And head on back to the room

And watch 6 minutes of every movie that was released last summer.

I'm sorry.

Whatever.

What?

May I have this dance?

Oh, please, don't make fun of me now.

No, I'm serious. I would like to dance with my wife.

Well, not...it's over.

We're not gonna impress them now.

I'm not doing this for them.

Come.

This is nice, huh?

When was the last time we slow-danced?

Ricky shapiro's bar mitzvah.

He's a surgeon now.

Well... Let's not wait that long next time, ok?

You two look good out here.

Well, you spend enough years together,

You learn a few moves...

You see that?

Yes.

Hey, you two.

In 20 years, may you be lucky enough

To be as happy as we are.

Don't worry. Every bride has her doubts.

You're having doubts?

Um...What?

You did not know that.

Ok, guys, huh?

How about a little something up-tempo for the young'uns.

There you go. Come on!

Let's go!

Well, that was quite a night last night.

Do I detect a little afterglow on milady?

Well, it's mostly sunburn, but I will give you that.

Ah, son of a bitch!

Somebody got our chairs.

Let's go over there.

All right.

Doug...

I think it's morning.

I'll go check the sock.

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