Original subtitles

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'Til Death is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

My mother has been cleaning out the basement

and she keeps sending me all my old stuff.

Oh, my God!

It's my prom dress.

Smells like rum.

Should I try it on?

On what?

On my body.

Your whole body?

What are you saying?

You don't think that I can fit into this anymore?

Honey, no. I'm just saying that it...

I love you so much.

You don't think that I can squeeze into this dress, do you?

No, look. If it doesn't fit, you're gonna take it out on me.

And if it does fit... It's not gonna fit.

I'm gonna try it on right now.

Honey, look. I don't think putting on a dress

Should involve so much cursing and grunting.

Sounds like you're making a balloon animal in there.

Captioning made possible by sony pictures television

Is it zipped?

You damn right it's zipped.

You look amazing.

Tell me something I don't know, stretch.

Oh, dear God, please unzip me.

Ok.

The brain really does need oxygen.

Got it?

Yeah. Ok.

All right.

Well.

So.

How you enjoying the prom?

Um, it's all right.

Where's your date?

Um, I don't know. Maybe he's upstairs spiking the punch.

Where's yours?

I don't have a date.

I'm parking cars.

Ah, working man. I like it.

Yeah, I do all right.

I make tips. Stchange and whatnot.

So, a couple of kids left a bottle of champagne in the limo.

Wanna head on out there?

Why don't we stay right here?

Oh. What if your boyfriend comes back?

Oh, I think you can handle him.

You look fairly strong.

Oh, I am strong.

And...and mysterious.

And misunderstood.

Sounds like my type.

My parents would hate you.

Why? 'cause I'm jewish?

No, 'cause you're a bad boy.

Right, right, right. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a bad boy.

But I'm pretty into you, hot high school chick.

Yeah? Well, I'm pretty into you,

Tall, weird, horny, parking attendant guy.

Yeah.

That was kinda...

Better.

Morning.

Hey, honey.

I gotta run. I have an early morning meeting.

No...no...but I was making you a "thanks for putting out on prom night" frittata.

I gotta go. Ok.

Love you.

Love you.

Hey, Kenny!

What's up, Eddie?

Hey, kenny. How's the gig at the copy place going?

Ah, pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good.

I started out just standing around making copies.

Then I got promoted to manager.

Now, I'm standing around making copies in this vest.

Why does it say "Andy"?

Well, it was either that or Louise.

Well, Andy, it's nice to see you have a smooth operation going on there.

A customer came in today with something pretty interesting.

Check it out.

Wait...wait. Are you allowed to keep copies of people's personal documents?

It's a gray area.

"Lost poodle... 1,000 dollars reward."

Then, on the way here, I noticed these were here. Look at this.

"Lost cat." "Lost parakeet."

I'm a little nervous about this one right here.

It looks like a cheetah.

I'm telling ya, man. I love the suburbs.

People are just nailing cash to trees.

We lost my cousin rodney one time.

For like a week and a half.

Some lady found him. I think we gave her an apple.

So, what are you saying? You gonna go hunting for lost pets?

Exactly. I know animals. I know how they think.

I know how to talk to them.

Can you hear this right here?

Look.

No.

But this great dane named alfred can.

You gonna eat the rest of those eggs?

Wh...I made it for me and...uh...help yourself.

Everything ok?

Yeah. I gotta tell you. Last night was the...

Never mind.

What?

No, nothing. It's just between me and Joy.

All right, man. Cool.

It's our sex life.

I mean, last night we had the most creative lovemaking ever.

And it wasn't even the 31st.

I don't know what that means?

Well, you see every month if we don't have sex,

Then we're obligated to have it on the last day of the month.

You only sleep with your woman 12 times a year?!

At a minimum. It's...it's a baseline.

It's a sexual safety net, if you will.

And we did a little roll playing.

Oh, really. Yeah. You ever do that?

Oh, yeah. I very rarely have sex as myself.

And I have to tell you, I want to do it again,

But I'm a little nervous about asking Joy.

You know, I don't want to hurt her feelings by saying,

I'd rather have sex with some fantasy than with her.

But honestly, I'd rather have sex with some fantasy than with her.

That's perfectly natural.

Go for it.

Yeah?

Are you sure? Yeah.

I mean, is she gonna be happy constantly pretending I'm someone else?

Yeah. I think she'll manage.

Look, my opinion is this.

You ride this horse until it bucks you off, man.

But if you're still worried about it, here's what you do.

Tonight you come in dressed in something that could be roll playing.

If she says she's not into it, you explain it away.

Ok. How do I explain away a scuba mask and a starter's pistol?

What kinda twisted fantasy is that?

It's not. I'm just thinking about what I have in my garage.

Hey, honey!

I'm home.

Thanks for helping me find this dog, man.

I'm not here to help you. I think this is a ridiculous idea.

I'm here to protect you.

Protect me? From what?

I don't know. You running through this neighborhood

With a choke collar and a large burlap sack,

It may just send up a red flag to some of these folks.

Why you doing this anyway? You already got a job.

Eddie, I can't work in a copy shop forever.

You started on Tuesday.

So, how's it going with you and Joy

And your freaky-deaky bedroom antics?

I gotta tell you, it is... You know what, Kenny?

It's none of your business.

Ok.

All right, I'll tell ya.

It's been about week now, and we have the most amazing sex life.

I mean, not us. Our characters do.

Sounds cool to me, man.

No, don't you see. It's not cool.

Because we've come to depend on it.

We can't go back to the way we were.

Where does it end, man? Where does it end?

Where does it end? It ends where all sexual adventures end?

Thailand.

Puppy alert! Puppy alert!

Stop the car!

It's the middle of the street.

Hold that. Hold that.

There's people...

Kenny! Kenny!

What the hell was that?

That may have been the cheetah.

So, I guess we should go up to bed now, huh?

Yep.

I got the costumes in the car.

Your message was a little fuzzy.

I couldn't tell if you were saying umpire or vampire.

So, I...so I got both.

Yeah, on that...

You know, I...

Do you think the costumes are losing their kick?

Yes. Thank you.

I am so glad you said something.

Me too. Me too.

I'm just glad we're on the same page.

Yes. Of course.

So...so what do we do? Should we go back being ourselves?

Oh, God no!

No?

No. No way. Don't ever say that again.

You shut your face.

Well, what should we do?

What do you say we take it up a notch?

Well...look if you're talking about your friend lori, I'm open.

No. No!

No. Hello, I'm kidding.

No, it's not...no.

No, I'm just saying,

You know, stay with the role-playing fantasy thing.

But perhaps we should take it out of the house.

And to lori's place.

No. No.

Come on. Do you know me?

Stop with that. Ok?

No. My friend told me that she and her husband

They went to a bar and they pretended not to know each other.

And he picked her up. And it sounded kinda hot.

What do you think?

Ok. So we go somewhere.

And we act like we don't even know each other.

This is good. We will... Tomorrow night,

We will meet at the uptown hotel.

At the bar.

And I'll be wearing a purple carnation.

I know what you look like.

Eddie was right.

What was I thinking?

Hey, Mr. Bumpers!

Show me that 1,000 dollars smile.

Hi.

Hi.

Come here often?

Really?

Sorry.

I'm gonna take another run at it.

Good evening.

I'm a traveling businessman,

Who came to your town

To buy a large company.

My work is financially rewarding.

But alas emotionally empty.

May I join you?

I don't think so.

All right.

Waiting for some friends.

Playing hard to get, are you?

Oh, I'm not playing anything mr...

Fujimoto.

Tony Fujimoto.

Tony.

Wow. That's quite a name.

Quite a man.

Quite a man.

Can I buy you a drink?

Well, I think I'm all right for now. Thank you.

I'll take that drink.

Well, well, well.

The fish are biting tonight.

Tony Fujimoto.

My friends call me to-fu.

Bartender, another round for the lady, please.

I'm a traveling businessman.

I have come to your town

To purchase a large company.

Thanks. Larry, wait up!

So, Ryan was it?

Yeah.

How many years did you play professional hockey?

3 seasons until I blew out my knee.

Did you ever get into fights?

Well, you try not to. But it's inevitable.

I tell ya. There's no better feeling

Than pounding someone against the boards for 60 minutes.

Do go on.

You know, being a D.A. isn't that much different than playing hockey.

It's the same aggressive atmosphere,

And I've been known to throw a couple of elbows

What are you drinking?

Um, hello!

Can I help you?

Yeah, I was just gonna talk to the lady.

Oh, well, I'm kinda talking to the lady now.

So why don't you move along.

Maybe the lady wants you to move along.

Joy?

No, I'm good.

I'm sorry. Do you two know each other?

Yeah, this is Tony.

Tony Fujimoto.

President and C.E.O. of the Fujimoto Group.

Are you two together?

No. No. No.

Funny, I actually used to be married to a guy that looked a lot like him.

But sadly he died in a fire.

And I used to be married to a girl like her

Until wine and cookie dough did her in.

Listen, Joy, I would love to take you out to dinner sometime.

Can I get your phone number?

Oh, my God! Mr. Bumpers. Hey, everyone. He's back!

Thank you so much.

Oh, no biggie! Happy to help.

I knew he'd come back. I just knew it.

Oh, Timmy can you believe it?

Thank you mister. Thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome, slugger.

He's adorable.

Well, again, we're just so happy to have him back.

And I'm happy to bring him back.

Can I hug him?

Absolutely.

Give it there, Timmy. Give it there.

Yeah. All right. Ok. All right.

Is there anything else we can do for you?

Well, let's just take a quick look at the contract...

I mean flyer.

Ok. Let's see here.

We've taken care of the lost poodle part.

That's all done.

So, all we gotta do is take care of...

Oh! This part right re.

Oh, the reward.

You put 1,000 dollars down?!

Is that what it was, 1,000?

Can't put a price on love.

But, you did.

What are wgonna do?

I can't believe you gave him your phone number.

It was a fake number.

But it was a number.

It was our dentist's number.

Oh, so how do you know his number by heart, huh?

Are you in to him, too?

Are you doing something on the side with dr. Sieglman?

Ok. You started it by offering that other girl a drink.

That's because you turned me down.

I wanted you to work for it.

I wasn't coming there to work. I came there to get some.

Yeah. And you're gonna. 'cause this whole thing kinda worked for me.

So let's go upstairs.

No. No. No. I'm not going upstairs with you.

Why not?

Because you'll just be thinking about ryan.

So? Isn't that what we both have been doing this whole time?

No. It is not. We have been pretending to be fictional charac.

Like vampires and catholic school girls

And fast food mascots.

That was a good one.

Ryan is out there. And he is real.

And he has our dentist's number.

I'm never gonna see ryan again.

Ok. You know what? That's not the point, Joy.

That's not the point.

It's just that if we were really at that bar

And we were total strangers and you met me and ryan,

I never would have had a shot.

No, I mean. Come on, you don't think I dated guys like ryan?

They're a dime a dozen.

I chose you because of all the things I love about you.

Like what?

Don't make me say it you know.

I may.

It's always nice to hear it.

Ok.

You're sweet.

And you're funny.

And cute?

You're very cute.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we just be ourselves tonight.

I will be a travel agent.

And you will be a high school history teacher.

Oh, yeah?

Oh yeah!

Does that do it for you?

Oh, yeah sure does.

Well, I don't mean to brag.

But I pull down a low 5-figure salary

With a mandatory 1.5% increase every 7 years.

Well, I drive a taurus with 120,000 miles on it.

I ate a sandwich yesterday that I found on a table.

I haven't read a book in 12 years.

I forgot how to divide.

Want to go upstairs and have really ordinary sex?

Yes.

Prepare to be underwhelmed.

996, 997, 998.

I think there's a few more dollin here, daddy.

5, 6, 7, 8...

That's it. That's it! I quit! That's it!

Enough! I can't take it anymore.

Keep your money and keep your dog.

Why do you people have to be so damn adorable?!

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