Original subtitles

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'Til Death is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, my God! That was so much fun.

Yeah. We looked at 18 wedding venues in 9 hours.

I think I'm gonna go stick my head in the microwave and blast this day outta here.

Sweetie, a little more support.

Your only daughter's getting married.

Honey, I'm being very supportive.

I told I liked the first place we saw.

That was walgreens.

They had plenty of parking.

You know what? You are always fine

With the first thing that you see.

Exactly. I mean, if I see something that's fine, I stop.

That's how I chose this house and...

This belt and...

You, actually.

I wonder if the belt and the house

Cry in the bathroom as much as I do.

Sorry about that.

We were just, hangin' out in the car,

Because, we needed a minute away

From you.

Ally, I was just telling your father

How much we thought that the wedding

Would be great at the old train station.

We do?

No. See, I don't think that we do.

Oh, sure we do. Doug, tell her.

Yeah, Doug. What do you think? Doug, tell her.

Well...

I didn't love the train station.

And I don't... I don't think Allison liked it at all.

And of course Mr. Stark

Never saw it, because he was outside

Busy trying to hit a yield sign with an orange.

Well, I didn't hit the sign,

But I got a jogger in the back pretty good.

Here's the thing, you know.

We all have opinions, and of course they're all valid,

But I think there's one thing we can get behind

Is I love the train station.

Right, mom. I just thought since it was my wedding,

I could have some say in something.

Oh, honey, you do. You have say. Yeah. Now, I told you.

You could pick the color of the trim of the invitation.

As long as it's some shade of gold.

Right. You did, and I picked the lava gold.

Right. That didn't work.

So I phoned the printer,

And I told him what you really meant.

Daddy.

Please.

Hey, man. You all right?

I was takin' a nap,

And I woke up, and I had, like, 30 texts from you.

"help me. I'm dyin' here.

Meet me in front of the liberty bell with a blunt object."

Yeah, Joy was draggin' me around to all these wedding venues,

And at a certain point, I realized that you were the only friend I had

With hands strong enough to squeeze the life out of me.

The wedding plans are in full swing.

Love it!

Let me ask you guys somethin'.

You guys got someone to officiate the ceremony yet?

No. Why?

Well, thanks to the internet,

I'm a fully ordained minister

And certified scuba instructor,

So I'll be happy to offer my services on land or sea.

Thanks... thanks for that offer.

My uncle's a pretty big bishop, so...

You know, it's either you or him.

Well, I'll just let you guys know that have done one,

And although I did accidentally marry myself to the bride,

It was magical.

Babe, do you like these silver bamboo chairs for the wedding?

Pull the trigger.

Make all my dreams come true.

Hey. Oh, do you think that we should put

One of those, um, disposable cameras on all the tables?

That's what the world needs,

More pictures of your fat cousins.

At least my cousins don't stay with us and wet our couch.

Ok, so here is a tentative budget that I've come up with.

Yeah. No.

You can't just say no.

Well, you've delivered your fair share of nos in this bed.

I think I'm entitled to one.

I'm sorry. I just assumed that you knew how much weddings cost.

And I assumed you knew how very poor we were.

Remember when that finance guy projected I could retire?

At age 81.

Come on. We do fine.

Honey, just last week, you pointed at my paycheck,

And you laughed out loud.

Well, that's not because of the amount.

It's just...

I just laugh every time I see your middle name. I do.

I will say it once again.

Merrill can be a man's name.

Eddie, this shouldn't come as a surprise to you.

We've been discussing this wedding for weeks now.

Come on, honey. Don't throw that at me.

You know I don't listen.

All right. All right, look.

Let's once and for all get into this.

You know I want Allison to have

A great wedding, just like you do,

But... this stuff here,

We're not even in the... In the same ballpark.

Well, what do you wanna do?

Let's start with food.

Oh, come on. Do we really have to feed these people?

You better jump onboard here,

'cause we only have one shot at this,

And if Ally is anything like her mother,

She is gonna be way too lazy to get a divorce.

So much of you so close to my food.

I'm just, looking for my midnight fiber, sir.

Let's see...

Is that what you wear to bed?

Oh, no! I couldn't possibly sleep this restricted.

I just, threw these on in case I ran into somebody.

Thanks for the courtesy thong.

Ah, slim pickings.

Guess I'll just rock this bag of lettuce.

You ok, sir? You seem a little tense.

Ah, just all this wedding planning.

Joy is just gettin' all nuts,

and...

Oh, this... This chair's cold.

Yeah. It's drivin' Ally kind of crazy, too.

Truth be told, I'm not here just for this crispy treat.

I kind of had to take a break

From all the scary anger and the hitting.

So Allison's not too happy either, huh?

No! Not... Not too happy.

Well, listen, you have to remember,

You know, Joy has a lot of ideas in her head,

But this wedding is about you and Allison.

Thank you, sir. I appreciate that.

Absolutely. Now, of course I'm sure

I'm a lot more spiritual than most,

But, I believe that all this materialism

And food and music

And open bars that go into a wedding,

I just... I just think it kind of takes away from the...

All right, I'm just gonna say it.

The love.

Yeah. I mean, who needs, like, a...

Ok, ok, ok. Let's keep 'em 10:00 and 2:00, ok?

Sorry.

Well, as I was saying,

Who needs like, a... a huge ceremony with, like, a grand hall,

When you could have, like...

7 people and an ice-cream cake on my driveway is what I was...

Well, I was thinkin' more along...

Okay. Let's not get bogged down in the details, ok?

That's unimportant.

I mean, if you wanna... if you wanna have this disgusting display of wealth,

Then go with Joy's idea.

If not, let's just keep it simple.

Yeah. I mean, when Allison and I

First realized we were meant to be together,

We were hiking in the poconos,

And we found this great spot

Called eagle rock, and that's where we first made love.

And it was...

It was so beautiful.

It was so simple.

And afterwards, a bluebird landed

On the small of my back and chirped us a song.

I'm gonna go to bed now.

Edward merrill stark.

Present.

What did you do?

Well, I'm... I'm gonna say nothin'

Until I know what you have on me.

Doug and Allison have eloped.

What?

And I quote, "dear mom and dad, we've eloped.

"we love you so very much, Doug and ali.

P.S. Dad, you were right."

What were you right about, Eddie?

How my wife gets more beautiful every day.

What did you do? You discussed with them

How much you didn't wanna spend money on this wedding, didn't you?

I... ok, look.

First of...

Uh, what?

You did, didn't you?

No. No, I... ok. Look.

Maybe I did, but I can tell you

I did not want them to elope.

That is exactly what you wanted them to do.

No. No, it isn't. I...I wanna be there.

I...I wanna walk my daugher down the aisle.

I just wanted it to be

At one of philadelphia's lovely parks.

Well, that is not for you to decide.

It is not your wedding.

Oh, that's right. I forgot. It's yours.

Oh, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Well, I could tell you what the hell it means.

The kids do not want to get married at a... at a train station

Or a soft-pretzel factory or an aquarium.

That's your bag, weirdo.

Hey, let me tell you something.

Those places, they're whimsical

And romantic and fun.

The aquarium is booked with a wedding every weekend until June.

Well, I don't know why. The penguin house smells

Like what I can only assume would be penguin poo.

I did not want them to get married in the penguin house.

I just thought it would be cute

If all the groomsmen took pictures with the penguins,

You know, 'cause they're all wearing tuxedos.

Because the penguins are wearing tuxedos.

You think they're wearing tuxedos?

How is that not whimsical, romantic, and fun?

Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask your daughter?

Oh, wait. You can't, 'cause she went running and screaming

From her psychotic mom.

Her "psychotic" mom.

You know, let's not use hurtful words. I don't...

Yeah, I haven't used any hurtful words.

Yeah, but I can tell you were teein' up a doozy.

Hey, Kenny, we really appreciate you doing our ceremony.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

But before I marry you guys,

Per my online oath,

I gotta offer you 3 45-minute counseling sessions.

But aren't you divorced?

Yes, but that life experience gave me wisdom.

For instance, never tell your woman

That if she thinks she can do better than you, she should.

'cause she can, and she will,

And she did.

Anyway, just go away for a minute.

We're inside of a car together.

Well, well, just don't look at me.

Just turn away.

I'm gonna keep myself together till we get to the rest stop.

Hello.

Hey, Ally. It's mom.

You guys ok?

Yeah, we're fine.

Listen, mom, please do not try and talk me out of this.

No, no, no. No. I'm not trying to talk you out of it.

I just... Ally, I just wanna make sure that you...

This is what you really, really want.

And it is what I really, really want.

Well, it's not what I want!

I didn't spend 18 hours

Pushing you out of me so you could totally bone me

On the most important day of your life!

There you go. That's the sweet honey

That brings the flies back to mama.

Now, I want you to tell me where you are going.

No, mom. I can't tell you where I'm going.

Never a good idea to alienate yourself from your parents.

You know, you might have to live with her again.

Your spouse might change the locks.

And she can, and she will,

And she did.

Who is that?

That's Kenny.

He's performing our ceremony.

Oh, fantastic. Kenny's gonna be there, and I'm not.

2 weeks ago, you thought the guy's name was benny.

Kenny's there?

Yes, Kenny's there.

Let me talk to her. Thank you.

Hello, mother stark.

Listen, I...I know you love us and...

Ok. Wow. That's...

That's some pretty harsh language.

Uh, I'm...I'm gonna assume that...that you don't mean that,

And I'm gonna go ahead and forgive you.

Ok. Wow. That one's gonna be slightly tougher to forgive.

Um... Look, I'm sorry.

You can yell at me all you want,

But I will not tell you where we're going.

Yello.

What's up, Eddie?

Yeah. We're headed to eagle rock.

All right. Later.

What the...

Sorry about that.

I tell you what. To make up for it,

I'm gonna baptize you both for free.

That cool? All right?

All right.

They're goin' to eagle rock.

The hell they are.

Where are you going?

We are going to find them.

But it's pouring out there.

Oh, shut your pie hole and put on your giant windbreaker.

You know, all of this is your fault.

My fault?! Yes.

You sent them away screaming

Because of your... your binders and your butter sculptures.

Ok, for one thing, they are not butter sculptures.

They are ice sculptures, and they symbolize

The fleeting nature of life.

Yeah, they symbolize hundreds of dollars melting into a puddle.

And listen, why have you turned this into your thing anyway?

Do you really think that silver bamboo chairs

Is gonna give them a better wedding?

Well, you know, that... maybe that is the point.

'cause I always wished that we had a nicer wedding.

I mean, our parents totally cheaped out.

Hey, your parents cheaped out. Mine didn't.

Oh, that's right. Your parents threw us

A fantastic rehearsal picnic.

There were 8 kinds of chips. 8!

All I'm saying is that we had a cheap wedding hall,

The food was disgusting,

And your cousin, Dj Steve, he sucked.

He played private eyes, like, 5 times.

All right.

Now, see, you just gave me 2 honey mustards back to back.

We're supposed to alternate honey mustard with barbecue.

Now my mouth doesn't even know what to feel.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was focused on missing our only daughter's wedding.

I seem to have lost track of your dipping sauce rotation.

All right, well, just please try to keep your head in the game.

Now you're gonna have to do 2 barbecues

Back to back to balance it out now.

How 'bout I shove all these nuggets upr keister?

As long as you alternate honey mustard and barbecue,

I think it'll be fine.

Ok, milkshake me.

So you really hated our wedding, huh?

Babe, the wedding sets the tone for the entire marriage.

I want Ally and Doug o go out into the world

And into their life together in a special way.

That's why I want the nice chairs.

I don't want them to have a $2.00-folding-chair life.

Like we do.

You know, that's not what I meant.

Well, just for the record,

I loved our wedding.

I don't remember the chairs,

I don't remember the food, but you know what I do remember?

Your eyes.

Because I was lookin' at 'em all day.

Really? Yes.

And your cleavage.

Was checkin' that out, too, along with

Rabbi goldstein, who was...

Watch... Watch out!

This weather is crazy.

I can't even see the road.

Well, pull...pull off for a second over there.

Pull over there.

There?

Can't believe we're actually gonna miss Ally getting married.

Why'd I have to be so controlling?

Aw, come on. You're not that bad.

It was my fault, too.

I mean, why'd I have to be such a cheap bastard?

This is the part where you're supposed to go,

"you're not that bad either".

You're not that bad, either.

You know, I may not have loved our wedding, but...

I sure do love the guy I married.

Maybe we should just go home.

No way. Our daughter is getting married on this mountain,

And I will be damned if her mother is not gonna see it happen.

So are you folks in town for the pine cone festival?

I got a 3-pounder comin' in from Ohio.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're just passin' through.

I'm gonna marry these two up at eagle rock,

You know, once the rain lets up

And the mud dries and the mosquitoes stop drinkin' my blood.

Don't you worry, sweetie.

Once I drain the van and we get back on the road,

You and I'll be married before you know it.

Ally!

Doug. Hi. Oh. Hi.

Mom, dad, what are you guys doing here?

Well, we were looking for you guys,

And we saw Doug's van. Hi. Hi, Doug.

Hey. Listen, uh, hi.

I don't care where you get married.

I just wanna be a part of it.

Oh? Yeah. Me, too,

But you know what? I think we should do it after the storm,

Because I'm a magnet for lightning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

When it stops raining, we could all hike into the wilderness

And...and stop by eagle lake and have a family cleanse.

Hey, Kenny, only immediate family, though.

I'll get over it.

Uh, then after the cleanse,

It's just a brisk 3-hour hike to base camp

And a quarter-mile vertical free climb up to the summit,

So, uh, we may wanna carbo-load.

Oh, and keep your head on a swivel, 'cause it is bobcat season. All right?

Uh, like I always say, it isn't a stark wedding

Without somebody getting their genitals mauled, huh?

Ok. So, uh, let's do this.

All right.

Ok. All right.

No.

Why? What's wrong?

Everything is wrong!

I don't wanna get married on eagle rock.

You don't wanna get married

In the first place that we made love to each other?

No. And what is up with you and doing it outside?

I mean, at first,

I thought it was kind of spontaneous and fun,

But then it was just, like, over and over and over

And over and over and over.

Ok. You're tryin' to tell me that you'd rather make love inside?

What?

Yeah, Doug, I would.

I don't like doing it on rocks,

I don't like doing it on the sand,

And I really don't like doing it on your natural vine hammock.

Ok, so you're tellin' me you're not aroused

By the sensual textures of nature?

Uh, excuse me. I see you have guns here.

Do you sell bullets?

Doug, listen. I just wanna have a normal wedding

With the people I love.

Oh, honey, I'm so happy to hear you say that.

I'm so sorry that I was so pushy.

Yeah, and you know, I'm sorry that I was so cheap

About what it was gonna cost.

I wanna tell you both that I am prepared

Right now to pay

Up to 1,000 dollars.

Thank you, dad. That means a lot to me.

We just... we want you to... we want you to be happy.

That's right. Happily marr... ok. Yeah.

So is the train station still in play?

Ok. Look, honey,

They're not gonna get married on a train.

No, they're not getting married on the train.

They're on the platform. Did you not read the literature?

Mom, it's just... it's not who I am.

What, are you too good for a train?

Ok, look... I don't understand.

You've never ridden a train before?

Ok, let's... let's put the lid on the crazy.

We are... we're train people. I don't un...

What is so wrong with the train station?!

I don't get it. No, no, no, no.

Listen. Trains.

It's all gonna be ok. She's not well.

Hey, I just had an interesting

Little, uh, chat with gus over here,

And I'm pretty sure he's gonna kill us.

Let's hit it!

Oh, uh, everybody.

You and I have to get on a different snack schedule.

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