All language subtitles for Til Death s03e16 Elope.eng

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'Til Death is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.

Oh, my God!
That was so much fun.

Yeah. We looked at 18
wedding venues in 9 hours.

I think I'm gonna go stick my head in the
microwave and blast this day outta here.

Sweetie,
a little more support.

Your only daughter's
getting married.

Honey, I'm being
very supportive.

I told I liked
the first place we saw.

That was walgreens.

They had plenty of parking.

You know what?
You are always fine

With the first thing
that you see.

Exactly. I mean, if I see
something that's fine, I stop.

That's how I chose
this house and...

This belt and...

You, actually.

I wonder if the belt
and the house

Cry in the bathroom
as much as I do.

Sorry about that.

We were just,
hangin' out in the car,

Because, we needed
a minute away

From you.

Ally, I was just
telling your father

How much we thought
that the wedding

Would be great at
the old train station.

We do?

No. See, I don't
think that we do.

Oh, sure we do.
Doug, tell her.

Yeah, Doug. What do you
think? Doug, tell her.

Well...

I didn't love
the train station.

And I don't... I don't think
Allison liked it at all.

And of course Mr. Stark

Never saw it,
because he was outside

Busy trying to hit a
yield sign with an orange.

Well, I didn't
hit the sign,

But I got a jogger
in the back pretty good.

Here's the thing,
you know.

We all have opinions, and
of course they're all valid,

But I think there's one
thing we can get behind

Is I love
the train station.

Right, mom. I just thought
since it was my wedding,

I could have some say
in something.

Oh, honey, you do. You have
say. Yeah. Now, I told you.

You could pick the color of
the trim of the invitation.

As long as it's
some shade of gold.

Right. You did,
and I picked the lava gold.

Right. That didn't work.

So I phoned
the printer,

And I told him what
you really meant.

Daddy.

Please.

Hey, man.
You all right?

I was takin' a nap,

And I woke up, and I had,
like, 30 texts from you.

"help me.
I'm dyin' here.

Meet me in front of the liberty
bell with a blunt object."

Yeah, Joy was draggin' me around
to all these wedding venues,

And at a certain point, I realized
that you were the only friend I had

With hands strong enough
to squeeze the life out of me.

The wedding plans
are in full swing.

Love it!

Let me ask
you guys somethin'.

You guys got someone to
officiate the ceremony yet?

No. Why?

Well, thanks
to the internet,

I'm a fully ordained
minister

And certified
scuba instructor,

So I'll be happy to offer
my services on land or sea.

Thanks... thanks
for that offer.

My uncle's a pretty
big bishop, so...

You know, it's
either you or him.

Well, I'll just let you guys
know that have done one,

And although I did accidentally
marry myself to the bride,

It was magical.

Babe, do you like these silver
bamboo chairs for the wedding?

Pull the trigger.

Make all my dreams
come true.

Hey. Oh, do you think
that we should put

One of those, um, disposable
cameras on all the tables?

That's what
the world needs,

More pictures of
your fat cousins.

At least my cousins don't
stay with us and wet our couch.

Ok, so here is a tentative
budget that I've come up with.

Yeah. No.

You can't
just say no.

Well, you've delivered your
fair share of nos in this bed.

I think
I'm entitled to one.

I'm sorry. I just assumed that
you knew how much weddings cost.

And I assumed you knew
how very poor we were.

Remember when that finance
guy projected I could retire?

At age 81.

Come on. We do fine.

Honey, just last week,
you pointed at my paycheck,

And you laughed
out loud.

Well, that's not
because of the amount.

It's just...

I just laugh every time
I see your middle name. I do.

I will say it
once again.

Merrill can be
a man's name.

Eddie, this shouldn't
come as a surprise to you.

We've been discussing
this wedding for weeks now.

Come on, honey.
Don't throw that at me.

You know I don't listen.

All right.
All right, look.

Let's once and
for all get into this.

You know I want
Allison to have

A great wedding,
just like you do,

But...
this stuff here,

We're not even in the...
In the same ballpark.

Well, what do you wanna do?

Let's start with food.

Oh, come on. Do we really
have to feed these people?

You better
jump onboard here,

'cause we only have
one shot at this,

And if Ally is anything
like her mother,

She is gonna be
way too lazy to get a divorce.

So much of you
so close to my food.

I'm just, looking for
my midnight fiber, sir.

Let's see...

Is that what
you wear to bed?

Oh, no! I couldn't possibly
sleep this restricted.

I just, threw these on in
case I ran into somebody.

Thanks for
the courtesy thong.

Ah, slim pickings.

Guess I'll just rock
this bag of lettuce.

You ok, sir?
You seem a little tense.

Ah, just all
this wedding planning.

Joy is just
gettin' all nuts,

and...

Oh, this...
This chair's cold.

Yeah. It's drivin' Ally
kind of crazy, too.

Truth be told, I'm not here
just for this crispy treat.

I kind of had to
take a break

From all the scary anger
and the hitting.

So Allison's not
too happy either, huh?

No! Not...
Not too happy.

Well, listen,
you have to remember,

You know, Joy has a lot
of ideas in her head,

But this wedding is
about you and Allison.

Thank you, sir.
I appreciate that.

Absolutely. Now,
of course I'm sure

I'm a lot more spiritual
than most,

But, I believe that
all this materialism

And food and music

And open bars
that go into a wedding,

I just... I just think it kind
of takes away from the...

All right,
I'm just gonna say it.

The love.

Yeah. I mean,
who needs, like, a...

Ok, ok, ok. Let's keep 'em
10:00 and 2:00, ok?

Sorry.

Well, as I was saying,

Who needs like, a... a huge
ceremony with, like, a grand hall,

When you could
have, like...

7 people and an ice-cream cake
on my driveway is what I was...

Well, I was thinkin'
more along...

Okay. Let's not get bogged
down in the details, ok?

That's unimportant.

I mean, if you wanna... if you wanna
have this disgusting display of wealth,

Then go with Joy's idea.

If not, let's just
keep it simple.

Yeah. I mean, when
Allison and I

First realized we were
meant to be together,

We were hiking
in the poconos,

And we found
this great spot

Called eagle rock, and that's
where we first made love.

And it was...

It was so beautiful.

It was so simple.

And afterwards,
a bluebird landed

On the small of my back
and chirped us a song.

I'm gonna go to bed now.

Edward merrill stark.

Present.

What did you do?

Well, I'm...
I'm gonna say nothin'

Until I know
what you have on me.

Doug and Allison
have eloped.

What?

And I quote, "dear mom
and dad, we've eloped.

"we love you so very
much, Doug and ali.

P.S. Dad, you were right."

What were you
right about, Eddie?

How my wife gets more
beautiful every day.

What did you do?
You discussed with them

How much you didn't wanna spend
money on this wedding, didn't you?

I... ok, look.

First of...

Uh, what?

You did, didn't you?

No. No, I... ok. Look.

Maybe I did,
but I can tell you

I did not want
them to elope.

That is exactly what
you wanted them to do.

No. No, it isn't.
I...I wanna be there.

I...I wanna walk my
daugher down the aisle.

I just
wanted it to be

At one of philadelphia's lovely parks.

Well, that is not
for you to decide.

It is not your wedding.

Oh, that's right.
I forgot. It's yours.

Oh, what the hell
is that supposed to mean?

Well, I could tell you
what the hell it means.

The kids do not want to get
married at a... at a train station

Or a soft-pretzel
factory or an aquarium.

That's your
bag, weirdo.

Hey, let me
tell you something.

Those places,
they're whimsical

And romantic
and fun.

The aquarium is booked with a
wedding every weekend until June.

Well, I don't know why.
The penguin house smells

Like what I can only
assume would be penguin poo.

I did not want them to get
married in the penguin house.

I just thought
it would be cute

If all the groomsmen took
pictures with the penguins,

You know, 'cause they're
all wearing tuxedos.

Because the penguins
are wearing tuxedos.

You think they're
wearing tuxedos?

How is that not whimsical,
romantic, and fun?

Oh, I don't know. Why
don't you ask your daughter?

Oh, wait. You can't, 'cause
she went running and screaming

From her psychotic mom.

Her "psychotic" mom.

You know, let's not use
hurtful words. I don't...

Yeah, I haven't used
any hurtful words.

Yeah, but I can tell
you were teein' up a doozy.

Hey, Kenny, we really appreciate
you doing our ceremony.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

But before
I marry you guys,

Per my online oath,

I gotta offer you 3
45-minute counseling sessions.

But aren't you
divorced?

Yes, but that life
experience gave me wisdom.

For instance,
never tell your woman

That if she thinks she can do
better than you, she should.

'cause she can,
and she will,

And she did.

Anyway, just go away
for a minute.

We're inside of
a car together.

Well, well,
just don't look at me.

Just turn away.

I'm gonna keep myself together
till we get to the rest stop.

Hello.

Hey, Ally.
It's mom.

You guys ok?

Yeah, we're fine.

Listen, mom, please do not
try and talk me out of this.

No, no, no. No. I'm not
trying to talk you out of it.

I just... Ally, I just
wanna make sure that you...

This is what you
really, really want.

And it is what I
really, really want.

Well, it's not
what I want!

I didn't spend 18 hours

Pushing you out of me so
you could totally bone me

On the most important day of your life!

There you go.
That's the sweet honey

That brings the flies
back to mama.

Now, I want you to tell
me where you are going.

No, mom. I can't
tell you where I'm going.

Never a good idea to alienate
yourself from your parents.

You know, you might have
to live with her again.

Your spouse might
change the locks.

And she can,
and she will,

And she did.

Who is that?

That's Kenny.

He's performing
our ceremony.

Oh, fantastic. Kenny's
gonna be there, and I'm not.

2 weeks ago, you thought
the guy's name was benny.

Kenny's there?

Yes, Kenny's there.

Let me talk to her.
Thank you.

Hello, mother stark.

Listen, I...I know
you love us and...

Ok. Wow. That's...

That's some pretty
harsh language.

Uh, I'm...I'm gonna assume
that...that you don't mean that,

And I'm gonna go ahead and forgive you.

Ok. Wow. That one's gonna be
slightly tougher to forgive.

Um... Look,
I'm sorry.

You can yell at me
all you want,

But I will not tell
you where we're going.

Yello.

What's up, Eddie?

Yeah. We're headed
to eagle rock.

All right. Later.

What the...

Sorry about that.

I tell you what.
To make up for it,

I'm gonna baptize
you both for free.

That cool?
All right?

All right.

They're goin'
to eagle rock.

The hell they are.

Where are you going?

We are going
to find them.

But it's pouring out there.

Oh, shut your pie hole and
put on your giant windbreaker.

You know, all of this
is your fault.

My fault?!
Yes.

You sent them away screaming

Because of your... your binders
and your butter sculptures.

Ok, for one thing, they
are not butter sculptures.

They are ice sculptures,
and they symbolize

The fleeting nature
of life.

Yeah, they symbolize hundreds
of dollars melting into a puddle.

And listen, why have you turned
this into your thing anyway?

Do you really think
that silver bamboo chairs

Is gonna give them
a better wedding?

Well, you know, that...
maybe that is the point.

'cause I always wished
that we had a nicer wedding.

I mean, our parents
totally cheaped out.

Hey, your parents
cheaped out. Mine didn't.

Oh, that's right.
Your parents threw us

A fantastic
rehearsal picnic.

There were 8 kinds
of chips. 8!

All I'm saying is that we
had a cheap wedding hall,

The food was disgusting,

And your cousin,
Dj Steve, he sucked.

He played private
eyes, like, 5 times.

All right.

Now, see, you just gave me 2
honey mustards back to back.

We're supposed to alternate
honey mustard with barbecue.

Now my mouth doesn't
even know what to feel.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was focused on
missing our only daughter's wedding.

I seem to have lost track of
your dipping sauce rotation.

All right, well, just please try
to keep your head in the game.

Now you're gonna
have to do 2 barbecues

Back to back
to balance it out now.

How 'bout I shove all
these nuggets upr keister?

As long as you alternate
honey mustard and barbecue,

I think it'll be fine.

Ok, milkshake me.

So you really hated
our wedding, huh?

Babe, the wedding sets the
tone for the entire marriage.

I want Ally and Doug
o go out into the world

And into their life together
in a special way.

That's why I want
the nice chairs.

I don't want them to have
a $2.00-folding-chair life.

Like we do.

You know, that's not
what I meant.

Well,
just for the record,

I loved our wedding.

I don't remember
the chairs,

I don't remember the food, but
you know what I do remember?

Your eyes.

Because I was
lookin' at 'em all day.

Really?
Yes.

And your cleavage.

Was checkin' that out,
too, along with

Rabbi goldstein,
who was...

Watch... Watch out!

This weather is crazy.

I can't even
see the road.

Well, pull...pull off
for a second over there.

Pull over there.

There?

Can't believe we're actually
gonna miss Ally getting married.

Why'd I have to
be so controlling?

Aw, come on.
You're not that bad.

It was my fault, too.

I mean, why'd I have to
be such a cheap bastard?

This is the part where
you're supposed to go,

"you're not that
bad either".

You're not
that bad, either.

You know, I may not have
loved our wedding, but...

I sure do love
the guy I married.

Maybe we should
just go home.

No way. Our daughter is getting
married on this mountain,

And I will be damned if her
mother is not gonna see it happen.

So are you folks in town
for the pine cone festival?

I got a 3-pounder
comin' in from Ohio.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

We're just
passin' through.

I'm gonna marry these
two up at eagle rock,

You know,
once the rain lets up

And the mud dries and the
mosquitoes stop drinkin' my blood.

Don't you worry,
sweetie.

Once I drain the van and
we get back on the road,

You and I'll be married
before you know it.

Ally!

Doug. Hi.
Oh. Hi.

Mom, dad, what are you guys doing here?

Well, we were looking
for you guys,

And we saw Doug's van.
Hi. Hi, Doug.

Hey. Listen, uh, hi.

I don't care
where you get married.

I just wanna
be a part of it.

Oh?
Yeah. Me, too,

But you know what? I think we
should do it after the storm,

Because I'm a
magnet for lightning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.

When it stops raining, we could
all hike into the wilderness

And...and stop by eagle lake
and have a family cleanse.

Hey, Kenny, only
immediate family, though.

I'll get over it.

Uh, then after the cleanse,

It's just a brisk
3-hour hike to base camp

And a quarter-mile vertical
free climb up to the summit,

So, uh, we may
wanna carbo-load.

Oh, and keep your head on a swivel,
'cause it is bobcat season. All right?

Uh, like I always say,
it isn't a stark wedding

Without somebody getting
their genitals mauled, huh?

Ok. So, uh,
let's do this.

All right.

Ok.
All right.

No.

Why? What's wrong?

Everything is wrong!

I don't wanna get
married on eagle rock.

You don't wanna
get married

In the first place that we
made love to each other?

No. And what is up with
you and doing it outside?

I mean, at first,

I thought it was kind
of spontaneous and fun,

But then it was just,
like, over and over and over

And over and over
and over.

Ok. You're tryin' to tell me that
you'd rather make love inside?

What?

Yeah, Doug, I would.

I don't like
doing it on rocks,

I don't like
doing it on the sand,

And I really don't like doing
it on your natural vine hammock.

Ok, so you're tellin' me
you're not aroused

By the sensual textures
of nature?

Uh, excuse me.
I see you have guns here.

Do you sell bullets?

Doug, listen. I just wanna
have a normal wedding

With the people
I love.

Oh, honey, I'm so happy
to hear you say that.

I'm so sorry
that I was so pushy.

Yeah, and you know, I'm
sorry that I was so cheap

About what it
was gonna cost.

I wanna tell you both
that I am prepared

Right now to pay

Up to 1,000 dollars.

Thank you, dad. That means a lot to me.

We just... we want you to...
we want you to be happy.

That's right.
Happily marr... ok. Yeah.

So is the train station
still in play?

Ok. Look, honey,

They're not gonna
get married on a train.

No, they're not getting
married on the train.

They're on the platform. Did
you not read the literature?

Mom, it's just...
it's not who I am.

What, are you too good
for a train?

Ok, look...
I don't understand.

You've never
ridden a train before?

Ok, let's... let's put
the lid on the crazy.

We are... we're train
people. I don't un...

What is so wrong with
the train station?!

I don't get it.
No, no, no, no.

Listen.
Trains.

It's all gonna be ok.
She's not well.

Hey, I just had
an interesting

Little, uh, chat
with gus over here,

And I'm pretty sure
he's gonna kill us.

Let's hit it!

Oh, uh, everybody.

You and I have to get on
a different snack schedule.

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