Original subtitles

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'Til Death is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Eddie, you can't order food,

Tell them it's disgusting,

Have them take it off the check

And then ask for a to-go.

I got a swan full of lasagna that begs to differ.

Surprise!

Allison!

Oh, my Ally!

Hey, honey.

Hey, surprise.

Doug.

I'm so sorry I wasn't here

To greet you guys properly.

I was just using the facilities.

Please tell me that's sink water

And lie to me if it's not.

So, what are you guys doing here?

Mom, dad,

I have some pretty exciting news.

No baby, no baby, no baby, no baby.

I got off the wait list

For the semester abroad program.

I'm going to paris.

That is the best news!

Oh, oh, ok. I died for a few seconds.

Tell me what I missed?

I would leave on Friday.

I just...I just need a check for $1,500.

Well, let's go to my bank.

You can hold it up.

What?

Honey, listen.

I would love for you to go, but you can't.

Dad, you told me I could go.

Yeah, I know, but that's

When you were on the waiting list.

You see, you're no longer on the waiting list.

You're now on the truth list,

And the truth is, daddy't of greenbacks.

Sir, if I may,

I think this would be

A really great opportunity for her.

She needs to see the world.

The mushrooms that grow in my van

Can only expand her mind so much, you know?

I actually think

That this is a really good idea,

And I'm gonna go get the checkbook.

H-honey, have you seen our balance lately?

I mean, our checkbook is basically just scrap paper with pandas on it.

What are you... What are you doing?

We can afford this.

No, we can... listen, the only reason

We were out to dinner tonight

Was because you won a raffle.

Ok, do you like that couple out there?

Do you want to look at that for the rest of your life?

No. Then she's going on the trip.

Well, look.

What...what difference is it gonna make anyway?

They're only gonna be apart 6 months.

Oh! You are so naive.

When a young woman goes to europe,

Do you know what happens?

No, I really don't.

But why don't we just save $1,500

And just rent sisterhood of the traveling pants?

She goes to Europe.

She meets european guys,

And do you know what european guys do?

Things that make you forget about your lame hometown boyfriend

And his van full of magical mushrooms.

Oh, please.

Believe me.

Sophomore year, I did a semester in madrid.

I don't think I had my top on once.

I mean, I stepped off the plane

And it was guy after guy after guy.

All right. Ok, we get it.

J-just bring it down a notch.

Oh, I want to go back there.

Well, you know what?

I...I think you ended up pretty happy

With your guy back home

Well, it is what it is.

Come on. Listen. We're doing this.

Whoa. No, we are not doing it.

It is way too expensive

And we can't afford it.

End of conversation.

The head of the household has spoken.

You know,

Part of me is glad your dad won't let you go.

'cause then it'll give us

All kinds of time to just be

And do

And feel.

Give me the pandas.

Where is Doug?

You are going to miss your flight.

He'll be here.

Hey, you know what, honey?

Why don't we take you, huh?

Yeah, dad. That's a real romantic european send-off.

You loading me down with handiwipes

To mop the germs off my tray table.

Everybody knows that airplanes are

Just flying tubes of disease.

Here he is.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

For my fair maiden.

What are these?

Well, I was a little nervous

About you traveling,

So, I stopped by a creek

And gathered some pebbles with good energy

To keep in your purse.

Holy mother of gayness.

Unfortunately, when I got back to the van,

I realized that the engine

Had dropped out through the floor,

So I had to run the rest of the way.

But, luckily, I found this running twig

And it totally tripled my speed.

Running twig? Really?

We're all just gonna let that one go?

All right. You know what? We're gonna take you.

Daddy, I told you. I just want to go with Doug.

Ok. Here. Take your father's car.

Why my car?

What's the matter with your car?

My car is downtown with a boot on it.

What?

Yeah, I got a bunch of parking tickets.

I didn't pay 'em. I got subpeonaed

And there's a warrant out for my...

Oh, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, take his car.

Ok, wait...wait. Hold it.

If you're gonna take my car,

You gotta take my shortcut.

No, Eddie. Not the shortcut.

That woman has never missed a plane in 20 years

Because of my shortcut.

Ok, now, this is what you're gonna do.

You're gonna hop on the 411,

Then you take the turnpike.

You get off the exit 59b. That's 5-9er bravo.

It's gonna be a quick right, quick right, crazy quick left.

Then you're gonna end up at, like, this refinery, ok?

There's gonna be a gate.

You can ask for a guy named frank.

You're gonna mention my name. He's gonna let you through.

There's gonna be a dirt road.

You're gonna take it 10 miles all the way to the tarmac.

Ok, so, is that a right or a left out of the driveway?

To a future without Doug in it.

Mmm. Amen.

You know, I always used to have this nightmare

Where they got married and then their little kids

Ended up running around

In scraggly beards and flip-flops

Calling me granddude.

That's her. I told her to call before she took off.

Hello?

Hey, mama.

Hi, sweetie!

Hi! I just wanted to call

And say thank you again for letting me go.

Oh, it's our pleasure, babe.

Ask her if she wiped down the tray table.

And also the arm rest.

Honey, under no circumstances

Do you put those complimentary earbuds

Into your head.

They're not even on the plane yet, Eddie.

Oh, hold on one second, mama.

Oh! You have 16a.

I am 16b.

Who...who is that, sweetie?

What's going on? What's going on?

I'm just talking to the guy who's sitting next to me.

She's talking to the guy next...

He's french. He sounds hot.

What does he do?

Ally, what does he do?

I...mom, he just pulled a magazine out of his bag.

He just pulled a magazine out of his bag.

Have her smell the bag.

See if it's real leather.

I'm telling... stop it.

Ok, mama? I gotta go.

My flight is boarding.

I love you guys so much.

Ok, baby. Well, we love you, too.

Love you, angel.

Have a great flight. Be safe. Ok. Bye. Bye.

Mwah!

♪ she's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ and he's from France ♪

Oh, she's probably calling back

To tell us that she is in love.

I want to talk this time.

No. No. Bonjour.

What?

We found him in his car,

Upside down on a dirt road,

Clutching a twig.

He, uh, he should be all right,

But he got banged up pretty good.

Are you related to the patient?

Oh, our daughter's about to break up with him.

Well, that should really lift his spirits.

All right.

I'll give you guys a minute.

Ok.

Doug.

Doug.

How's my car?

Eddie!

Are...are you ok, Doug?

Tell us what happened.

Well, when I was taking your shortcut

Back from the airport,

I was pretty emotional from saying good-bye to Allison.

And I was cranking your neil diamond cd,

And midway through forever in blue jeans,

I hit a pothole and I just flipped the bitch.

I tried to call Allison,

But it went straight to her voice mail.

She's probably in the air already.

You know, like they say.

C'est la vie. Soup du jour.

I couldn't call my parents.

We're not even on speaking terms.

So, you guys were the only ones

I could think of to reach out to.

Well, we're glad that you did, Doug.

Ok, we're gonna hit it.

Oh, my God, Doug!

Honey, what are you?

Baby!

My catheter.

I thought you left?

My plane was delayed,

So I turned on my phone and I got your message.

God, I can't believe I almost lost you.

I missed you so much.

Oh, I missed you more.

I never want to be without you again.

I never want to be without you again.

Don't go to paris.

Ok. Will you marry me?

Totally.

Baby, you ok?

Not totally.

Oh, this is so romantic.

Our first time in the house as fiancee and...

Guy who fianceed me.

It's...it's almost as if the universe

Had a master plan for us to be together.

Yes. God has certainly made

His feelings towards us very clear.

May I get a glass of water for my fiance?

Your fiance would love that.

I'll be right back, fiance.

I'll miss you, fiancee.

Just...

Go get him the water.

Mr. And mrs. Stark...

Wait, what am I saying?

Mom, dad.

I just want to thank you guys

For everything that you're doing.

Well, it's a pleasure, Doug.

So, Doug, how about we get a hot meal in you

And get you to a motel with a ramp?

Dad, the doctor said it was going to be 6 weeks

Before they can even take the screws out of his body.

Well, actually, then they have to refracture me

And even out my legs.

You are gonna stay right here on this couch

Until you get out of those casts

And you're back on your feet.

I'm gonna go grab mom's rubber spatula

To work your itchy parts.

Boy, there are so many things being said

That I don't want to hear.

All right. I think I'm gonna go up

And get Doug a pair of your pajamas.

And we have a winner.

Hey, I heard about the accident.

Wanted to come by and make sure everyone was ok.

How you doing, man?

Well, I'm in a lot of pain and...

Cool. Listen, Eddie.

Do not take your car to a body shop.

My cousin jimmy is a mechanic.

He'll hook you up.

He'll fix your whole car for, like, 90 bucks.

What are you talking about?

Oh, yeah. He fixes dents.

He'll pop that thing right on out.

Kenny... Kenny, my whole front end is caved in.

I'm telling you, man,

The man will pop it out.

All right. Who do I make the check out to?

Make it out to pam's cupcakes.

Great plan, Joy.

Good job.

Let's send her on a trip

So she can sleep her way around europe

The way mama did.

I thought it would break them up.

It got them engaged.

You know, none of this would have happened

If it weren't for your stupid shortcut.

Hey, my shortcut got her to the plane on time.

What idiot takes a shortcut on the way home?

All right. You know what?

If you know a shorter way,

Why wouldn't you take it both ways, ass?

Because,

Mrs. Ass asserson,

You take a shortcut en you want to get to some place faster.

If everybody took a shortcut at the same time,

What would it be?

Clogged. Use your head, woman.

Why don't you take a small shortcut to hell?

Is that the potty mouth you used when you were turning tricks in Spain?

Ok, everybody just calm down, all right?

We are turning on each other

And we have a very large problem downstairs

And we need to work together and fix this.

You're right. Ooh.

We have to come up with a way

Where Allison understands

That this engagement is a big mistake.

She is 21 years old.

This is absolutely crazy.

We just have to make her realize that.

How are we going to do that?

I...I got it. Ok. Here.

We got married young.

Really young.

Way too young. Are you kidding me?

Heh. Look how this turned out.

It's awful.

It's a disaster. It's a train wreck.

I mean, look. We have no money.

We have dead end jobs.

No plans for the future.

Hey, the only good thing to show for our marriage

Is downstairs itchin' a cripple's business

With your flatware.

So, we'll tell Allison

If she gets married this young,

She's gonna turn out just like us.

That'll scare the hell out of her.

That's perfect.

Let's go down there right now.

No, no, no. We can't go right now.

Not in front of Doug.

Tomorrow, I will get her alone

And I will take care of this.

Oh...oh, ok. Ok. We'll do it that way.

I mean, who better to show her how bad marriage is than us?

I love you.

I love you, too.

You wanna have sex?

No. Me neither.

What are you doing?

I thought you were gonna pop it out?

I can't pop it out.

I gave the man my word that you would pop it out.

Some things are not poppable.

Pop it! You pop it. I quit.

Good!

How's it going over there?

Oh, good, good, good.

Just taking a 5.

Put on your driving gloves.

Real soon. Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Hey.

How's it going, guys?

Pretty good.

I'm just reteaching my mouth how to chew.

Guess who's up to pudding?

You keep working the miracles, kids.

All right. Well?

So, did you talk to Allison?

No, I haven't had a chance to get her alone.

Ever since the engagement,

Those two are joined at the shattered hip.

Okay, guess who's ready for their sponge bath?

Come here. What?

Ahem. Hey, Allison!

I think that maybe you've done enough for today.

Why don't you let your...your dad take care of this one?

Take care of what one?

You know, giving Doug his sponge bath.

What the hell?

Come on.

You know, I think that it will give me a chance

To have some alone time with Allison

And...and also an opportunity for you

To do some father-in-law, son-in-law bonding.

Oh, why do we have to jump right to sponge bath?

Maybe I can wheel him to a strip club.

Man up, grab a sponge,

And bathe your future son-in-law.

Sir, you don't have to do this

If it makes you uncomfortable.

No. I want to.

No one knows how to bathe a man

Better than another man.

Sir, don't you think it would be more effective if you looked at me?

No, I do not.

Don't take it personally,

But I once spent a whole summer washing dogs

And I couldn't look them in the eye, either.

Oh, yeah. That's the spot right there.

What spot?

No, I'm just... I'm just saying

That that feels really good.

Doug. Yes, sir?

Say that one more time

And I'm throwing in the hair dryer.

You know, sweetie, I just, um,

I want to talk about this engagement thing.

I mean, you just... you're so young

And your dad and I, we got married very young.

I know. You guys totally inspire me.

Inspire you to what?

To be like you.

I mean, I've always wanted what you guys have.

Of course. I mean, who wouldn't?

What exactly do we have?

Uh, an amazing relationship?

I mean, all of my friends' parents are divorced

And they hate each other,

But you guys,

I mean, you're still together

After all of these years and you still

Are best friends.

We do make a pretty good team, I guess.

Pretty good?

Mom, the reason that I'm so confident

About getting married to Doug

Is because you've shown me first hand

How great a marriage can be.

Are you crying?

No.

And perfect.

All right.

Ok, let's flip me over.

Uh, just a heads up.

The back of my thighs

Is where a lot of things congeal.

Ok. Ahem.

You know what?

Let's, uh, let's take a union fiver

For the scrubber, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God!

Hey, sir.

Can I share something with you?

I'm kinda getting cold feet.

Oh, oh, really?

Really, Doug? So, your feet are cold now, huh?

Well, it isn't going great over here, either.

This is the least happy I've ever been

Sitting on the toilet.

No, no. I mean about the engagement.

Go on.

Well, I don't know if it was the emotion

Of seeing Allison go away

Or the trauma of the accident

Or the fact that I was

Pretty hopped up on painkillers.

I mean, my body isn't used to drugs

That don't come in a brownie, you know?

Well, I'm starting to think

That maybe I might have made a mistake.

I mean, I love your daughter so much

But I just...I'm not sure we're ready.

If you're asking my permission

To not marry my daughter,

The answer is "yes."

Joy?

Joy Joy?

Darling?

Great news. The wedding's...

In my bedroom.

Listen, I thought you were going to talk her out of it.

I know. I was going to,

But then, you know,

She started talking about you and me

And how she admired our relationship

And how cute we are together

And I just want to eat your nose.

What is wrong with you?

Nothing.

It's just Allison reminded me

That we actually have a pretty great marriage

And, you know, we're her role models.

What are you? High?

Did you get into Doug's brownies?

What? Come on, Eddie.

I'm happy. They're happy. Everybody's happy.

Well, I'm not happy

Because I just spent an hour playing rub-a-dub-Doug

So you could put the kibosh on this.

I'm sorry. I guess I just got a little swept up in the moment.

Swept up in the moment?

You practically set the date.

Well, actually...

But...but!

Please, listen. It doesn't matter, ok?

Because Doug already has cold feet,

And he agrees that they're too young to even do this.

Doug, tell her what you told me earlier. Go ahead.

What do you think?

I don't know how I ever could have doubted this.

You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Oh, I'm hurt.

Ok, we got $1,500 for a nonrefundable plane ticket.

Yep.

And you prepaid the room and board

For an entire semester.

Sure did. Saved us 50 bucks.

Ok, so, 50 bucks

Goes towards the $700 penalty I had to pay

For an uninsured motorist driving my car.

And that leaves us a net loss of...

2150.

2150.

Ok, that means all the food in our kitchen

Has to last us for another...

3 months. But...but... but...but.

3 months.

How's my car?

I'm gonna level with you, man.

Bad news is, we cannot fix that car for 90 bucks.

Good news is, my cousin tito

Will tow it away for $120.

Can I get an apple? Not until March.

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