All language subtitles for Til Death s03e14 The Not So Perfect Couple.eng

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'Til Death is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.

I got it. I got it. I got
it. I got it. Move, honey.

I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it.
I got it.

I got it. I got it.
I got it.

- I got it. I got it.
I got it. - Okay, sure.

I got it. I got it.
I got it.

That was yours,
honey!

How was that mine?

Ok. Look. All right.

You know what? If I have
to explain the game to you,

maybe we shouldn't
play together. Good set.

It's ok. You'll
get us next time.

You guys wanna play
another set?

Or do you not have
another 6 minutes?

You beat
us quickly. Yeah.

That's fresh stuff.

Hey, seriously.

No, this is one of
the toughest matches

we've played
in a long time.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Although,

we usually play
my grandparents.

No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Not about
the grandparents,

but about
you being tough.

Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't you guys
play another one

and we'll go replenish our
electrolytes with a smoothie.

And by "smoothie,"
I mean "beer".

And by "beer",
I mean "vodka".

What do you say, Eddie?

You know what?

I think I'm
gonna call it a day.

You know, my whole left side
is, like, burning.

- What?
- Yeah.

It's just... it's like,

when I raise my arm above
my elbow, it just... just irr...

This area here.

Well, look, Simona,
you're a doctor,

there isn't anything
on this side of my body

I should be worried about,
is there?

Only heart,
lungs, and kidney.

And on this one, a cute
little tattoo of a bunny.

I was a wild man
in college.

But seriously, how
long have you had this?

Oh, about 15 years,

but I've only been afraid
for 6 months.

Afraid?

Babe, why didn't you
tell me about this?

Because saying it
out loud makes it real.

Do you have
a doctor?

What do you mean?

You know, someone
you can call

if something
goes wrong.

Get a checkup
every now and again.

That sounds
kind of pricey.

Ed, you don't
have a doctor?

Stephen, come on,
tough guys like us,

we don't need doctors,
right?

Well, I'm married
to a doctor,

and I get checkups
every night.

I bet you do!

You're playing doctor
with the doctor.

A little turn your head
to the left and cough.

Actually,
I'm a diabetic.

She keeps an eye
on my blood sugar.

I'm sorry.

I'm kidding,
I'm kidding.

I'm the picture
of health.

But seriously, I do
get checkups. I do.

Eddie, maybe you should
have it looked at.

Honey, look, you know
my schedule.

When do I have time
to meet with a doctor?

You're a teacher.
You're free every day

from 2:30 to midnight.

You can come by
my office anytime.

It's no big deal.
I'll squeeze you in.

All right, I'll do that,

and then I'll return
the favor.

Come by my office anytime,

and I'll give you
a pop quiz.

I'm a teacher.

Oh, that's funny!

But seriously, do yourself
a favor, get it checked out.

I mean, you're wheezing
more than my 15-year-old pug.

Okay, so what should I do
about my doctor's appointment

with Simona tomorrow.

Should I just call
and cancel,

or just fake
my own death?

Eddie, your entire body
is in pain all the time.

You don't exercise,

you eat like crap.

Why would you cancel?

I'm a man.
She's a woman.

We're gonna be alone.

I'm gonna be in a very
revealing paper gown.

She's gonna see stuff.

What do you think
she's gonna do,

climb up on the table
and start riding you?

I've seen it in
many adult films.

Those things are
based on something.

You know what,
as a woman,

I am offended by
your attitude about this.

She is a professional
she's good at her job.

You're going.

But she's a friend.

What if my buddy lou
told you to strip down

and get on a...
On a cold, hard table?

Lou? Lou sells
car stereos.

I wouldn't feel great.

You could do
a lot worse than Lou.

Yeah, I think I might have.

Come on, just...
honey, go see Simona, ok?

It's gonna be totally weird.
She's gonna see me naked.

Then she's gonna see me
again the next day.

I see you naked
and see you the next day.

I bounce back.

3 times in a row.

That really is
your blood pressure.

Oh, oh, F.Y.I., I didn't
overfill my urine sample.

A lot of that's
just foam.

That head'll go down.

Doctor's going to be
right with you, all right?

Male nurse,
female doctor.

It's like Star Trek
in here.

Yeah, listen,
for future reference,

you could have left
your underpants on.

Hey, Eddie!

Hey!

So, how should
we play it?

Should we act like we don't
know each other and shake hands,

or do the polite
kiss on the kiss?

Let's go with
the very professional

doctor-patient fist bump.

Hey, I like that.

That says "I know
my doctor socially,

yet I won't feel awkward
when I see her later."

Just so you know,

anything that happens in here
is between you and me.

And my 927 myspace friends.

Let's start with some...

Let's start with
some family history.

Ok, well, my grandmother
was a dancer.

And my grandfather,
on his deathbed,

actually told my dad that
he wasn't his real father.

Wow. Ok. Uh,
I was actually talking

about your family's
medical history.

Heart disease, stroke.

You know, let's just
cut right to it

and check all the boxes.

We're a mess.

All right.
Do you smoke?

No, I do not.

But I do eat a skosh
of fried food.

What do you mean
by "skosh"?

Well, when I'm ordering
fast food,

I lie, and I tell them that
I'm buying it for my firehouse.

You know, it's ok
to do that,

as long as you don't
do it too often.

It's all right
to treat yourself.

You work hard.

Well, you know,
you're right.

I do work hard,
actually.

And thanks for not
yelling at me.

Why would I yell
at you?

Well, because Joy
yells at me

and says that I'm stupid
for eating fried food.

Well, it's not about
being stupid.

The body craves
fatty foods.

It's built into
our genes.

I told her that,
and she threw a phone at me.

Take a deep breath.

I'm going to throw something
a little different at you.

Do you eat a lot
of fish?

Uh, you know,
I really don't.

Well, one time I accidentally
swallowed a starfish

at the beach one summer,
but...

Well, to be honest,
I took a bite of it.

I thought it was a cookie.

You...

Eddie, you've got to
take care of yourself,

because a lot of
people love you,

and we want you
to be around.

Well, thanks, Simona.

Now, I'm just gonna
listen to your heart.

I think you already have.

Hey.

What is that
God-awful smell?

That is the smell of hope
and lightly-battered cod.

You're eating fish?

Well, Simona says that
fish is the anytime snack.

And Simona also says that I
have to start eating healthier.

Wow, I've been tell you that
for the last 20 years.

Have you?

Anyway, I'm really happy
I went to see her.

So that worked out?

She was able to resist
all that in a paper robe?

It was fantastic.

I'm going to go get another
checkup and see her again.

I'm just glad to see you're
embracing a healthier diet.

You know what, Simona
doesn't call it a diet.

She calls it
a "live-it".

Simona also gave me the
copy of Men's Health Magazine

from the waiting room.

And guess who is on
the fast track

to rock-hard abs?

Let me guess. You are?

Did 4 sit-ups today.

In a row?

2 sets of 2.

But you know what
Simona said to me?

She said that if you
don't feel the burn,

you're not
doing it right.

I'm feeling the burn.
Go ahead, touch it. Go!

Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good.

What did she say
about the pain in your side?

Well, Simona thinks that
that could possibly be gas.

And then she also said
it could be some tension

I'm feeling
at home maybe.

What, is she suggesting
that I'm the problem?

No, Simona didn't
specifically mention you,

but when I brought up
your name,

She got a little quiet.

Anyway, I'm gonna
hit the hay.

It's 4:00, Eddie.

Yeah, I know,
but Simona says

that if you nap
just 20 minutes a day,

you'll sleep better
at night.

Oh, gonna grab a banana
and level out my potassium.

Forgot to say
"Simona says".

Ha ha ha, good one!

But she did say it, though.

You guys ready to order?

Actually, we're in a hurry.
Could we just have our check?

Kidding.

Why don't you order for me?

Yeah, you know,
order for me, too.

Okay, I will have
the scallop salad

with the dressing
on the side,

and no tortilla chips
for me.

Nix-say on the chip-say.

And he will have the
stuffed sole and spinach.

I'm a soul man.

And let's ee.
Mr. Healthy over here

will have
the vegetable fajitas

with whole wheat tortillas.

Whole wheat.
Keep the trains moving.

And for you, ma'am?

Guess I'm just the fat
ass who wants a burrito.

Chicken or steak?

Yes.

Oh, and another
one of these.

Eddie, I got to tell you, I am really
impressed with that you're doing here.

Good for you.
Good for you.

Pretty soon you're going to
be in as good of shape as I am.

Kidding. You'll never
look as good as me.

But you'll get close.
You will get close.

Yes, Simona's
working her magic

on the two of
you guys, huh?

Well, I have to say, at
first I was a little reluctant

about having Simona
as my physician

because, you know,
we're all friends,

but, thank goodness
my beautiful wife Joy,

if she hadn't nagged me
all night,

I never would have gone.

Thanks, Eddie.
I appreciate it.

To Simona!

To Simona!

That's nice.

Oh, 3 waters
with lemon.

Tonight's going to
get crazy.

So, Joy, how's
the travel agency?

I remember you said you were
working on some big project.

Oh, thanks
for asking, Simona.

Yeah, I just...

Well, I brought in this
pretty big corporate client.

Oh, my God,
he's choking.

Is there a doctor in here?

Yes, there sure is.
My doctor.

Go get 'em, champ.

Scoot over, Joy.
Let her get by.

Your wife is incredible.

I mean.

That's nothing.

Last week
she reattached

A child's pinky
at Flannagan's.

Yeah. She's good.

What's up, Joy?

Hey.

What are you doing
with my snacks?

Eddie told me to come by

and take away
all your junk food.

Get your hands off
my food!

You know what,
he told me you'd say that.

He told me to ignore you.

Hey, my candy cakes.

What is the nutritional value
of candy cakes?

You know what,
I don't even care.

I'm just gonna
take them anyway.

Fine, I don't care
either.

You ok?

Come on, what's wrong?
Talk to Kenny.

I don't want
to talk about it.

No talky, no cakey.

We have this friend,
Simona.

She's a doctor,

And I've been bugging
Eddie to go see her

for a checkup.

And?

All of the sudden,
Eddie's all gaga over her.

That's crazy. I mean,
what does this woman have

that you don't have?

Well, like I said,
she's a doctor,

and I'm a travel agent.

You're a travel agent?

Yeah.

They still have those?

Yes, Kenny,
they still have those.

Really?

I'd just think people
just get on the computer...

Okay, it's not
a great job.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

What else she got?

Well, she's blonde.

She's got this cute
little southern accent.

Oh, I like that!

What, the blonde
or the accent?

Both.

If I had to rank them,
though, I'd probably go with...

I do not care.

Sorry, sorry.
Ok, ok, ok.

The accent, though.

She's sweet,
and she's compassionate.

And from what I can
tell, it's not an act.

She kind of annoyingly
means it.

How's the face?

Tell me about the face.

I don't know.
She's adorable.

I'm gonna take myself in
and get me a checkup.

Why, what's wrong
with you?

I'm coming down with
a bad case of

"this chick sounds hot".

Sorry I'm late.

I just had to stop
by the hospital.

Oh, is everything ok?

There was some accident

and they were short staffed
in the E.R.,

so they called me in.

I'm a little
light-headed

'cause I gave some
of my own blood.

Thank God I'm
a universal donor.

That's great.

Son of a bitch.
Even her blood is perfect.

I'll just be a minute.

I'm gonna change
into my outfit.

She cannot be
this perfect.

There's got to be a flaw
under there somewhere.

Whoa, milky white skin.
Perfect breasts.

Round, high buttock.

Dammit, Joy,
snap out of it.

What, you're falling
for her, too?

Joy, are you okay?
Is there something wrong?

No, everything's
perfect.

Oh, yeah, that's it.
Right there.

Make it burn.

You like that?
That right there, huh?

I do.

- Yeah, make you happy?
- I do.

Oh, yeah!

You guys need
to stretch?

Actually, I stretched
in the car.

Yeah, and I'm on some pretty
serious muscle relaxers,

so I'm good to go.

I'm telling you, Eddie.

This little lady's
got magic hands.

Do yourself a favor,

get under her.

You want me to help?

Absolutely.

Ah, he's good!
We can just play.

Hey, Eddie, you want to
mix it up? Switch partners?

Yes, please.

I mean,
if you want to.

I think it's a great idea.

Come on, honey, a little
hustle. We're playing.

Ok, I'm going.

Hey, Stephen!

- Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.

I know that,
Simona is like

this perfect doctor
and everything,

but at home, she's...
She's a normal wife, right?

What do you mean?

You know,
she nags you a lot,

blames you for her failures,
with hold sex.

Well, actually, no.

She's very supportive emotionally

and attentive
physically.

But everything's
not perfect, right?

No. I mean,
sometimes I miss her

when she goes and does
doctors without borders,

but, you know, she always
comes back a better lady for it.

So, nothing?
No flaws at all?

Well, I guess sometimes I
feel she has too many orgasms.

Hey!

Oh! Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry.

No, no, that was not
your fault, Simona.

She just stopped playing.

Boy, that Simona
is some player, huh?

It's amazing
how much strength

that tiny body
can generate.

We love the tiny body.

Do you know that she got a
swimming scholarship to Stanford?

Where did you go again?

Delaware water gap
community college.

Right, right, right.
I should have remembered that

Because our exterminator
went there.

You know, Simona has a great
way to get rid of an ant problem.

Ok, enough about Simona!

Okay, we get it.

She's a brilliant,
benevolent,

multi-orgasmic
wonder woman.

Honey, where is
this coming from?

Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you sound?

"Simona says this,
Simona says that.

Simona poops gold out
of her super tight butt."

I don't think she does.

Listen, honey,

you know I'm not
attracted to her.

You're not?
I am.

I mean,
you're just annoying.

I've been telling you
for like 15 years

to take better care
of yourself,

and it's called nagging.

Simona says it one time,

and you become
like Bruce Jenner.

Real current reference.
Well done.

Who's the new guy?

Matthew Phelps.

Matthew Phelps, whatever.

It's just that why don't you
listen to me when I say it?

Why can't I be
your hero?

Well, maybe Simona has
a better bedside manner.

You know, it's not what you
say, it's how you say it.

You are 6'8" of stupid.

And sometimes
what you say.

Simona told me I should
take better care of myself

Because there are people that
love me and want me around.

I mean, when did you say
something like that to me?

Oh, give me a break!

We've been married
a long freakin' time.

I'm just saying it's sometimes
nice to hear that out loud.

Michael Phelps!
That was it.

It was bothering me.
Michael Phelps.

I say nice things to you.

Simona told you
to eat less fried food,

and then she probably said
exactly the same thing

to the next winded slob
who walked through the door.

How dare you!

You think that
she cares about you?

It this do you know
what this is?

This is just like
the time

that you got an autograph
from raquel welch

at that bookstore, and you
thought she winked at you.

She was winking at me.

Her false eyelash
fell off.

That's how hard
she was winking.

I've got news for you,
Eddie.

Your doctor is paid a lot
of money to care about you.

And at the end
of her work day,

she stops caring.

And she drives home in a car
that costs more than this house.

Well, I could tell you that
there is a woman out there

who knows me
inside and out.

And she is concerned
about my well-being.

And that woman's name
is Dr. Simona...

Bradford.
Bed... Bedford.

Red... Redford.

It's Thompson.

I knew that.

It's Redford.

Well, I knew
it wasn't Thompson.

So you've got to
cut down on those sweets.

You've got to take
care of yourself,

Because a lot of people
love you,

And we want you around.

Son of a bitch!

I thought she just
wanted me around.

Well, turns out
you were right.

Simona wants everyone
to be alive,

not just me.

Sorry I got so crazy.

No, it was my fault, too.

I just...
Got all insecure.

No, no! I should appreciate
you looking out for me.

It's just your voice
gets sometimes grating.

Oh, I shouldn't have
said grating right there.

But my point is,
I'm sorry.

No, babe, you were right.

I guess I could say things
a little nicer sometimes.

Yeah. Anyway,
the point is,

I cancelled my appointment
for tomorrow.

I know.
Simona called.

She called?

What did she say?

I think she said...

No, no, no,
don't "think", honey.

She called. What
did she say exactly?

You said "hello",
and she said?

She's charging you
for the no-show.

All right. She's only
charging me 'cause she cares.

She's got it bad.

Hey.

Joy, Joy, Joy. I have
your blood work here,

and... You're pregnant.

No, I'm kidding!

I thought we could do that
because we're friends.

You got me there.

Thought I was going to have
to stop drinking for 9 months.

Simona, I don't need to
be stroked like Eddie does.

You can give it
to me straight.

All right, well,
here it is.

You're in perfect health.

What's your secret?

My secret?

Yeah, we're like
the same age.

Tell me how I can look
so vital and young.

Oh, well, I credit
lack of exercise,

no sun screen,

and a minimum of 40 hours
of television a week.

Well, it works.
Don't change a thing.

Ah, Simona,
you are good.

But any doctor
can give compliments.

Here's the true test.

What are the chances of me hitting
you up for some sleeping pills?

Are you having
trouble sleeping?

Yes.

Do you want
the time release

Or the big whammy
right out of the box?

Oh, I love you
like oxygen.

"I am not
a drug dealer."

I get that.

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