Original subtitles

Ugh.

Ugh, it's like Pinterest vomited into an envelope.

Can I have one of these berries?

Oh, I think they're from Michael's... Okay.

It's my younger sister's wedding invitation.

I'm now officially the only Rabinowitz unmarried.

No, that's not true. You were married once.

It was just a failure.

Oh, how's your relationship going, Shoemaker?

It's complicated.

I finished it. Can I have another one?

The worst part is I'm gonna have to RSVP plus-none to this event.

Oh, why don't you invite that homeless guy

who keeps exposing himself to you?

Paul? He got sober.

I just can't go to another one of these things alone!

Well, everybody must be used

to seeing you alone by now, Abbey.

Yeah, you're like a "Cathy" comic strip,

but in real life.

- Ack! - Exactly.

No, no, no. He's choking on one of the berries.

- [Gags] - But Loren is right.

- You know what you are? - What?

You're kind of like one of those crazy aunts

- that everybody has. - Yes.

I don't have an aunt like that.

Oh, my God... Aunt Shirley.

She died alone in her apartment

underneath her favorite electric blanket,

and the super found her after three weeks

because the meter was going crazy.

[Laughing desperately] But I am nothing like that.

No, you had your power turned off a month ago,

so the super won't even find you.

Yeah, because I'm choosing to live off the grid.

Like a crazy aunt.

Oh, my God. I'm just like Aunt Shirley.

I'm gonna die alone. Ack!

Quit wasting my time

I ain't here for you

I'm just putting in work

Till my day is through

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

- [Laughing] - What's his deal?

Fairbell, what are you listening to?

- What? - What are you listening to?

- I'm listening to headphones! - No, Fairbell.

- Take them off. - Take those off.

- What are you listening to. - Take them off!

- What?! - What are you listening to?

The new Gallagher album, "Living on the Sledge."

- "Living on the Sledge"? - You're listening to Gallagher,

that racist '80s prop comic?

The one and only.

So it's just the sounds of fruit

being violently smashed in your ears right now?

- That's exactly what it is. - [Splat!]

Oh, there goes a honeydew.

Plus, he has a lot of interesting thoughts on black people.

Quinn: Attention, Smoot High, during Senior Prank Week.

Due to last year's prank that nearly ruined my life,

there will be no senior pranks this year.

- Thank you. - He's really hammering this point home.

That's like the fifth message this week.

I'm glad he is, man. I'm not getting embarrassed like I did last year.

You know my dad saw that whole thing on YouTube?

Ruined Hanukah, just eight nights

of "Oh, you really blew that prank,

"like you blew picking your major in college."

Sorry I like musical theater, Dad.

We are not gonna be embarrassed like last year.

- Why? What happened last year? - [Scoffs]

What the hell do you mean what happened last year?

You betrayed us and almost killed Quinn.

[Chuckling] Right.

Man, we have been friends forever.

Oh, man, I meant to tell you...

Abbey is really messed up about this morning.

I can hear her crying in the library.

[Groans]

Well, should we rock-paper-scissors for who has to go help her?

All right.

- 1, 2, shoot. - 1, 2, shoot.

- Two out of three? - Eh, she's a tough old bird.

- Yeah. - She'll figure it out.

Besides, she's probably got her face in a pint of Breyers by now anyway.

I'm sorry. I was making a...

- Mouth sundae. - Mouth sundae.

Yeah. Do it all the time, Ms. Logan.

I'm sorry.

Do we know each other?

It's me, Bryce Chastain.

I graduated last year.

Oh, my God, Bryce, I didn't recognize you.

Are you here to draw dicks

in my library books for old time's sake?

No, actually, I came back to apologize for being a dick.

- [Scoffs] - And to give you this.

Sweet Canyon High "Fire at the Skating Rink"?

- Oh, my God, you remembered. - Of course.

You know, it's crazy,

but I never really appreciated the library

when I was here.

- It's kind of like a word museum. - Word museum?

Jinx, you owe me a Captain and Coke.

[Chuckles] Captain and Coke.

You are in college now.

You know, this is kind of embarrassing.

Yeah?

I used to have a little crush on you.

"Real World" confessional...

I always thought that

if I was 15 years younger or you were one year older,

maybe this could have... been something.

Well, I am a year older now, Ms. Logan.

Call me Abbey.

Why call when I can just ask you out right now?

[Scoffs]

[Bell rings]

If any of you even think of pulling a senior prank in here,

we're talking automatic "F."

You wanted to see us?

Yes, Fairbell, I'm afraid I have some sad news.

They're cutting the entire P.E. program.

[Sobs]

Got ya!

That was a prank.

This is the exact type of thing

we need to be on the lookout for...

- constantly. - Look at his face.

But it's an important message.

- Yes. - Especially given what is a...

- [Whoopie cushion splurts] - [Laughs]

Are you kidding me?!

Are you kidding me right now?

What the hell is this?

- What is this? - Geez, relax, Shoemaker.

Nobody saw it.

Oh, you saw it! He saw it!

I bet they all saw it out there!

I've never been so embarrassed!

This is an over-reaction.

I can't believe this is what embarrasses you,

not having the tip of your [bleep] ripped off

or having your butt [bleep] by Iron-Toe Todd Timmons.

All those were the fruits of good intention, but that...

that is just pure malice, man!

- Well, [bleep] - Pure malice!

Okay, I'm sorry! [Bleep]

But I needed to remind you both how badly pranks can hurt.

Which is why we have to be extra vigilant.

Yeah. If you say something, see something.

- Mm-hmm. - Hey, guys, what's up?

Something! Something!

- Who was that? - That was Bryce!

He's got to be here for the senior prank.

- That is great. - I bet this year's graduating class

called in the Prank Master General himself.

And he saw the whoopie cushion.

I know he saw it! I bet he saw everything!

- Focus, Shoemaker! - I'm not gonna focus!

It's not about the whoopee cushion!

Bryce being here represents a serious escalation.

You know what they say... where there's smoke,

- there's... - A train coming.

No. Where there's smoke, there's...

Barbecue in the rain.

Uh, onion volcano at Benihana.

Cartoon cigar.

Um, a ninja right before escaping.

[Bleep] Fairbell.

- Dragon. It's a dragon. - Okay. Stop!

We just have to figure out

what Bryce is planning so that we can stop it, okay?

That's all we're trying to get at.

But until that point,

we can only trust the people in this room.

How about we start with some trust falls?

I'll go first. I trust you.

I trust you. I trust you. I trust you.

Ohh!

Except Fairbell, obviously.

Oh, that goes without saying.

Hey, guys. Morning.

Keep it moving, Julie. This is a no-prank zone.

How convenient of you to say good morning

on this of all days.

And morning of all times.

Everyone knows you farted yesterday.

That was a whoopie cushion... ask them!

Right. All right.

[Bleep] damn it!

Now do you see the damage you've caused?

Shoemaker, stay focused. High alert.

Morning, fellas, you guys are looking swell.

You're looking unusually chipper.

Did you have a fun night of Redbox and sob?

You know, I'd love to give you guys the details,

but a lady doesn't bang and tell.

Already said far too much.

Well, if you must know, last night,

I got turned inside out

like a pocket in a washing machine.

I have the same problem with my loads.

My face got drilled like a Saudi desert.

Oh, my God. Escalation much? Gross.

What, can't I be one of the guys?

I do not talk to you like this.

Yeah, because you're not getting any.

Jealousy is an ugly color on you, Loren.

Oh, yeah? You know what's an ugly color on you?

- Red. - Really?

[Bleep] look at that neck.

Looks like you lost a fight to an octopus.

I hope whoever did that didn't smoke all your Newports.

- It's happening. - Oh, no.

Bryce for im... Brace for impact.

- Oh, hi, babe. - Brought you these non-GMO wildflowers.

Aww.

- Thanks, babe. - Oh, absolutely.

Just thought I'd cheer up your day a little bit.

Hey, guys, what's up? SO glad you're here

'cause I wanted to invite you to this

sweet little open-mic night I perform at.

I'm kind of a singer/songwriter now.

- No big D. - [Laughs] I beg to differ.

[Laughs]

Yeah, I'm gonna be singing a new little tune to Abbey here.

That is, if you'll join me on stage, babe?

Oh, babe. Yeah, of course I will.

What is this I'm hearing about an open microphone?

- Principal Quinn. - Oh! God!

Yeah, Bryce from last year.

Yeah, I-I remember.

Just haven't seen you since your hilarious life-ruining prank.

Yeah, but I thought it'd be awesome if you came

to the open-mic night.

Oh!

You think the guys from Beard Science would show up?

Well, probably not. They're touring in Europe

right now with Nathaniel Rateliff,

but, you know, I've been doing some solo stuff

called Solitary Quinn-finement, you know?

That could be kind of a...

Are you guys going to the open microphone?

No, I would never be caught dead at...

Actually, yes. We're all going to the open mic.

Matter of fact, there's no place we'd rather be.

Well, cool, I can't wait to see you guys there.

- It really means a lot to me. - Oh, yeah, I bet it does.

Man, I can't believe you're gonna go to that coffee shop.

Open your eyes, Shoemaker, Bryce is clearly laying a trap,

and Abbey's in on it just like last year.

That duplicitous shrew.

This performance

at the coffee shop, that's just a cover, man.

So wait, you're saying

that's where the prank is gonna take place?

Uh, doihickey.

But now that we know,

that's our opportunity for that preemptive strike.

Right, 'cause the one place they won't expect to be pranked

is the place they're pranking us.

Exactly. And the best part is

we'll get his dad there to witness

[chuckling] the whole thing.

Wait, why's his dad there?

Well, you know how Dads, like, always hate everything you do,

and they're constantly disappointed in you and stuff?

- It'll be like that. - Are you all right?

[Chuckling] Yeah. I'm good.

- All right, 'cause you're... - Really good.

You guys have to hear this!

You guys have to hear this.

Gallagher is on fire.

Check out his views on immigration.

You build a wall, you keep them all out!

Just put your headset back on.

Yeah, if we're gonna do this the right way,

we're gonna have to call in the special ops, bro.

I think I know exactly what you're talking about.

[Laughing]

He just yelled, "Keep America for Americans!"

Then he threw a blueberry at a kid.

You guys came to the right place.

I used to pull some pretty hard-core pranks

back in the corps.

Think I have an idea for "Operation Bryce."

All right, great. What are we doing?

We're gonna give him the Kosovo cr?me br?l?e.

- All right? - I like the sound of that.

We do, we took down a lot of dictators with this one.

Build a trap-door,

meticulously calculated to that person's weight.

Bryce comes in and he's the spoon,

and he cracks through that trap-door.

Boom! Br?l?e!

- That's what happens right there. - Awesome.

And you know what he drops into?

Hell, he drops into Hell.

We're Hell.

We bag him, pillowcase over the head,

zip tie his wrists and his ankles,

then we behead him.

- [Bleep] - That's the prank!

- No, that's not... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Swish! - No, no. Okay.

- I'm on board. - Rod,

I'm just gonna stop you right there.

I know what you're gonna say, Shoemaker...

It doesn't have to be a pillowcase,

it can be any type of bag.

No. Actually, it's not about the pillowcase. Help me out here.

The first part of the plan I'm on board for.

The trap-door, aw, that's great.

Second half, oof, not sold on.

Could we workshop it a little bit?

Yeah, you pussies tinker around all you want.

It's not getting funnier than this.

Okay. Have you guys heard of a little indie flick

called "Ocean's Twelve"?

- The prequel to "Ocean's Thirteen"? - The very same.

Now, here's what we're gonna do.

Are you ready? I want this to be special.

Be gentle. I'm a little nerv...

- Aaah! - Oh, God!

Your nasal walls are really thick.

That's the Rabinowitz side.

We're known for our sturdy cartilage.

Well, don't worry, 'cause I'm, like,

a quarter way through, so...

- Aah! - Okay, okay.

- Oh, my God. - You know what? Plan "B."

Let's try the other side.

Oh [bleep]

Ah, you know, I could use a-a quick break.

[Sighs]

This is so nice.

Listen, Bryce.

There's something that I've been wanting to talk to you about,

but I don't want to scare you off.

- Really, babe? - Mm-hmm.

Because I wanted to talk to you about something, too.

It's probably the same thing.

- You really think so? - Count of three?

- 1, 2, 3. - 1, 2, 3.

I want to take you to my sister's wedding.

I dropped out of college to live with you. I love you.

Whoa, your thing is so much more serious than mine.

But you know what?

I've been saying no to a lot of things this year,

and as Shonda Rhimes said, "This is my year of yes."

Oh, my God, babe! That's what I'm talking about.

[Both smooching]

Let's go back to that first nostril.

Aah!

Loren: We've been up all night. Get on with it.

Okay. So, just to recap the plan.

Rod, you're on logistics, right?

Now, the front door to Mutiny, that's got an alarm on it.

But the back door, that's a totally different story.

That's why they call me back-door Rod.

That is not why they call you back-door Rod.

Loren: That's, yeah, that's not why they call you back-door Rod.

Okay, once I'm inside,

that's where the fun starts, okay?

Now, there's gonna be motion sensors and cameras.

I'm gonna disarm those first.

Then, are you guys ready to laugh?

Because this is where I plant the rubber baby doll

that I've actually filled with six pounds of black powder

- and a handful of nails. - Rod!

Rod, we've been over this like six times...

- No bombs. - Yeah, I forgot.

You guys don't like your pranks to be funny.

Anyway, that's when I plant

all the lame [bleep] you guys wanted,

and I'm in and out like an evening breeze.

Nobody's the wiser.

Now, Quinn's song will take forever.

So that means that Bryce will take the stage with Abbey

at precisely 7:40 P.M.

Now, their combined weight

will snap the corner of the stage,

triggering the dominoes.

Loren: Those dominoes in turn trigger

an impossibly complex series of chain reactions

culminating in the agave and feathering of a one

Bryce Chastain and Abbey Rabinowitz-Logan.

But wait... then I hit them Gallagher-style

with my cantaloupe catapult.

Get ready to watch two heads explode.

Yes, yes, yes, you do your thing.

And then the cherry on top of this whole goddamn sundae.

Please don't say it.

[Laughing] Is Bryce's dad

has been watching the entire time.

[Laughs]

I'm so sorry for whatever happened to you.

[Bell rings]

Damn, girl, that looks painful.

Oh, it looks worse than it feels.

Ow! Ooh.

Why the hell would you do that?

Well, Bryce wanted to put a ring on it,

and this is my year of yes.

- Bryce... Bryce Chastain? - Mm-hmm.

- That boy is 18. - Yeah, I know.

I mean, I feel kind of conflicted about it.

I mean, on one hand, he's 18,

but on the other hand, he's 18.

Abbey, this is some textbook midlife crisis [bleep]

More like quarter-life crisis.

Yeah, if you're a sea turtle.

The point is you need to get your head on straight.

He is a baby, Abbey.

And you're a grown-ass woman.

- Dating a younger guy? - [Gasps] Oh, God.

Julie, mind your business.

It's just, I can relate.

I've been dating this younger guy,

and my friends razz me about it all the time.

Call me a cougar.

I know, right?

But being with him

is like being shot with a youth serum.

Yeah. Like all over your face and back.

- Ah! - Right?

We should totally double date.

Well, my guy and I are doing this thing

at the Mutiny caf? tonight.

Done. It's a double date.

Oh, yay!

- Hey. - Oh, what?

Did you hear Shoemaker farted?

- What? - Yeah!

[Both laugh]

So tell her, Simon, come on.

Fine. Our homeless outreach

was just approved as a 501(c)(3) nonprofit.

So now we can finally start helping more people.

These millenials, always trying to save the world... adorable.

So, how old are you, Simon?

Ah, I know. I'm 28. [Chuckles]

Thanks for letting me sit at the adults' table.

I'll try not to Snapchat it.

- [Laughs] - Yeah.

- [Cellphone buzzes] - Oh, my God.

- Ah! To think when I was 2, - _

he wasn't even born yet.

[Groans]

[Both laugh]

Oh, my God, Abbey. You will never guess who's here.

- Don't look. Don't look. - Wait, who is it?

It's that kid who defaced all your library books... asshole.

Look at his Fisher-Price My First Beard...

That is so clich?.

Hey, babe.

Oh, God, I missed you so much.

- Bryce. What are you doing? - Is he giving you a hickey?

It'll just be a second.

[Slurping]

Hi. Bryce. Sorry I'm late.

Hey, babe, can I have some money for the meter?

Yeah, sure, babe.

Ah, thank you so much. BRB.

Oh, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot.

Are you insane? He's a child.

You're the one that told me it was cool to date a younger man.

Yeah, younger adults.

Not students you taught less than a year ago.

Okay, whatever, Julie.

I'll start taking advice from you

when you stop clogging up the women's [bleep]

Wow! Okay.

It's clear from that 18-year-old

and your infected nose ring

that you're going through some stuff right now.

What?

But whatever you're looking for isn't in his pants.

I feel sorry for you, Abbey.

Come on, Simon.

She has IBS.

[Scoffs]

Hey, Joel. Cool job.

Muffin and a scone stat. Let's go.

Joel, what happened to that back door?

You know, we think maybe a black bear broke in

because he stole all the agave nectar.

Like a breeze in the night, eh?

Whatever it was, it left this weird, like, plastic...

- Fire in the hole! - Okay, Joel.

Joel, give me the baby. Joel, give me the baby.

Yeah, buddy.

Roderick Samuel Knorr, you take this far,

far away from here right now.

Forgot you daffodils don't like your pranks to be hilarious.

Holy crap. What the hell was that?

Anyway, all right,

so, the rest of the actual plan is ready to go, right?

Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is.

And you know what the best part is?

- Lemon bars? - Let me guess.

- His dad's... - His dad's gonna see

the whole goddamn thing.

Yeah, we get it.

Ah, Bryce.

There she is, my muse.

You ready to take the stage together, baby?

Oh, oh. No, no, no, no, no. Not now.

Bryce, um, I have something

important I need to talk to you about.

That's so crazy 'cause I have something crazy

I want to tell you, too. It's probs the same thing.

- It's not the same thing. - Count of three.

- 1, 2... - I think we should break up.

- I got your name tattooed on me. - Ah, whoa.

There are two B's in Abbey.

What did you just say? You want to break up with me?

Yes, Bryce.

But we were gonna move to New Zealand

and get that tiny house, remember?

Oh, Bryce.

That's so, you know, 18.

I think this belongs to you.

Ouch! Cheek!

Ohh.

Well, will you at least stick around for my song?

- I wrote it for you. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course I will.

Ow.

[Guitar notes play]

[Clears throat] Hey, everyone.

Yeah, I know you've been enjoying your evening,

but it's time to start the open mic.

- [Audience moans] - Yeah.

Introducing your first act,

formerly of the band Beard Science.

[Audience exclaims]

No, no, no, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. No, I said "formerly."

[Audience moans]

Hey, but hey, this is the guy they kicked out.

Please welcome Solitary Quinn-finement.

All right, sit down!

Here we go.

Ah!

- Hello, hi. Hi. - [Feedback squeaks]

How we doing, coffee lovers?

Little bit of chattering, huh? [Laughs creepily]

P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-puh!

Okay, good.

Now, that everybody, I got everybody's attention,

this is a little ditty that I've been working on,

so if you're thinking about going on a journey tonight,

saddle up.

Daddy left when I was 3

Didn't talk till I was 13

Then I got to high school, I got pushed in a pool

[Off-key] And finally, today, I got a ticket

Because it was a street-sweeping day

Boy, those signs are sure hard to read, aren't they?

[Laughs]

Okay, second verse, same as the first!

Daddy left when I was 3

Thank you. Thank you, Solitary Quinn-finement.

Thank you. Hey, just a reminder.

Please keep your song to 30 minutes or less.

- Told you he'd go long. - Yep.

Now we're right on schedule.

Next up, we have Bryce and Abbey.

Bryce: Um, actually, it's just Bryce now.

What?

Well, what do you mean "just Bryce"?

No, no. It's Bryce and...

[Whispering] Where's Abbey?

I precisely calculated for Bryce's weight,

plus an additional 78 pounds for Abbey.

Stage won't collapse now.

What? The entire prank hinges on the stage collapsing.

I mean, I can improvise, but it's gonna be rough.

This is a very precise science.

- Get it done, Rod. - Go! Go.

Knew he couldn't do that stuff.

Yeah, so this has been a really tough evening for me,

but it's just nice to know that I have the support

of this amazing open-mic community.

[Laughs] Yep.

All right. Um...

This used to be called "Mouth Sundaes."

- Oh. - But now it's called

"You're Too Old for Me."

It's about my time with Abbey Logan.

[Mid-tempo guitar plays]

They say age is just a number

But yours is 39

Spirits made with sour grapes

Never age like fine wine

You can hide your wrinkles from them

But you can't hide your wrinkled heart from me

You old bitch, you're a damned old bitch

Ooh, bitch, you're a damned old bitch

Ha-ha! 78 pounds exactly.

Bitch. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

Everybody!

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, b-b-b-bitch

Bryce's dad is here!

- Oh, no. - Oh, we can't wait any longer.

No, no, wait.

Cowabunga, dude!

[Audience members scream]

Gah.

Ah, man.

Damn!

What the hell is going on here?

You look like a goddamn idiot, Bryce.

- Dad? - You're ruining your future.

Now get your ass in the car!

That's exactly right, Dad, it's my future.

And I'm not going anywhere with you.

I'm staying here until I win her back.

- [Scoffs] - Oh.

Now it makes sense.

Christ, Brycie, stop trying to replace her.

Replace who?

Your mother was one of a kind,

but this, this cheap knock-off?

Banging some slightly older version of your mother

isn't gonna bring her back!

Oh, I see it now. Yeah, I see it.

The dad is everything.

Stop trying to control my life, Dad.

You're an embarrassment to the family name!

Good, I don't want the family name.

[Audience gasps]

I did not think that that could get any more sad.

- No. - It's canta-pult time.

- Oh! - Aah!

- Well, I stand corrected. - You're in the splash zone!

Swish!

Okay, Brycie, come on.

That exceeded literally every expectation I had.

Yeah, and you want to know the best part of it?

Hmm?

Your dad saw the whole thing.

- [Slow claps] - Papa?

Papa!

Yeah, as soon as I knew

we were gonna actually go through with this,

I messaged him.

I've never seen him open up like that.

Thank you, Shoemaker.

- Well, ah. - On record,

this is the best day of my entire life.

That is crazy sad.

[Laughs]

That could not have gone any better!

Yeah, except for the fact

that half our [bleep] didn't even go off.

Hey, I think between the cantaloupe

and Bryce's dad flipping out, I call it a win.

We should go to Lion Slayer to celebrate, huh?

Yes. Now you're speaking my language.

Hey! Hey, hey, guys. Wait up.

Hey. I just want to thank you

for sticking up for me back there.

You know, when Bryce was singing that mean song about me

and you stopped him?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, right.

- Yes. - Yeah.

That's why we were doing that.

I don't know if you've noticed,

but I have been going through a really tough time lately.

I've noticed. You've been, like, super sad lately.

Well, it's hard to be sad

when I have friends like you sticking up

for me when it matters most.

I mean, maybe I'll call my sister and ask her

if I can have a plus-four to her wedding.

- Oh. I can't make it personally. - Can't do it.

- I got a... - Pastry party all weekend.

Whoa, hey, guys, guys.

Smell... smell that? Smell?

Yeah, what is that?

[Dog barks in distance]

Oh, my...

Geez.

It's my Taurus!

It was J.D. Power Associates

Car of the Month, made in 1997!

- Ah, son of a bitch! - Wait, this is the senior prank.

- [Sighing] - Oh.

Rod, did you put that baby doll in your trunk, man?

Baby doll... what were you guys doing with a baby...

[Explosion]

Oh! Geez.

Well, this is as good a time

as any to fake my own death.

Here's a couple of my back teeth.

I need you to throw those into those ashes.

If anybody asks, I was in that Taurus.

Well, that was a turn of event I didn't see coming.

But hey, Shoemaker? Great job out there today, man.

- Well, thank you so much. - Yeah, put it there.

I had fun working... Mother[bleep]

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