Original subtitles

It looks exactly like Quinn.

Yeah, but it says "Happy Birthday, Cattie."

[Scoffs] Well, I can fix that.

No, no, no! What are you doing?! No, no, no! Dude!

I was gonna eat that.

Sugar!

- Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm! - Gross.

[Ringtone chimes]

Sorry about that. It's Katarina again.

Oh, yeah. You mean you're imaginary girlfriend

that no one's ever seen and probably won't,

- 'cause she's not real? - She is real.

- He's coming! - Okay, okay.

[Clears throat]

- Surprise! - Happy birthday!

For he's a jolly good fellow

Whoa. Hey, Quinn. It's a surprise party.

We're not escorting you to Con Air.

Oh! [Laughs] No, I was just... I was looking for a contact.

We were just celebrating your return.

Oh, look at that. "Welcome back, Quinn."

Really captured my likeness.

Aw, thank God you're principal again.

I want to say, it does feel great to be back,

and I'm looking forward to, uh,

putting all that prison stuff behind me.

[Chuckles] Gets out of prison,

and he wants to put it all behind him,

- like near his butthole. - Loren: Ugh.

[Laughing]

See? He gets...

[Stilted laughing]

That was funny, Shoemaker. Very funny.

Now let's get into a little bit of the business here today.

All right.

Coach Peters came down with a strain of listeria, so, uh...

he got them from some Rocky Mountain Ahi nachos,

so all wrestling meets are canceled.

Aw, that's a bummer, huh?

That one parent who occasionally goes

to one of those things is gonna be mildly irked.

There's plenty to enjoy about wrestling, like...

that coach from East High.

- Oh, she's horny again. - That's gross.

You know what? I love wrestling.

Let me do it. I'll coach wrestling for free.

Well, we've never beaten East High anyway, so why not?

- Wow, dude. - Oh. Congratulations, man.

Mmm. Look at this. I have not had cake in months.

Oh, really?

You didn't get a lot of pound cake when you were in prison?

- [Laughing loudly] - As in, in the showers.

That's a lot of fun. I'll tell you what!

- Abbey: Oh, geez! - Aah!

You want to dance, jackrabbit?!

You want to dance with me?!

'Cause I will cut you!

You better watch yourself in the showers, okay?

What the hell are you doing?

Um...

what, no... no one ever took an improv class before? I just...

Yes, and I'm gonna get out of here.

Uh, uh...

That guy's crazy, man!

I'm not gonna shower at school!

You might want to think about taking a shower

to get that urine off of you.

- Oh. - Whoopsie-doodle.

Well, this isn't my urine.

You're still actively peeing right now.

[Laughs]

Quit wasting my time

I ain't here for you

I'm just putting in work

Till my day is through

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

- Geoffrey, you got a second? - Oh, yes, I do.

Come on in, Tammy. What's up?

Are you ready to be back in the captain's chair?

Yes, I am.

I don't know. You seemed pretty wound up back there.

That was just a couple of alpha dogs

nipping at each other's napes.

Now, don't get mad at me, but I did call that district therapist.

I'm fine, okay? I'm fine. Look at me.

You know, when I came in here, I thought I saw you whittling a shank.

You're funny. I want to know if you're ready to be here whittling a shank.

This is a classic knife and a toothbrush

and a comically large toothpick on the bottom

that you can get at Spencer's Gifts,

and you just get up all in your mouth like this...

- Aah! - Ohh!

Mnh! Oh, God.

- I cut my... I cut my ging... - Oh!

Uh, can I have permission to use the bathroom?!

No need to ask! No need to ask!

Oh, God! [Crying]

[Whimpering]

[Chuckling nervously]

Andy: Tall guy, check. Short guy, check.

Hey, bud!

Uh, do you mind if I catch a ride with you

to your meet at East High?

Also... unrelated... is Coach Donnelly gonna be there?

Probably, right? He's the coach.

And he's gonna be there, and he's hot.

- Red hair, check. - Oh, also unrelated...

do you happen to know if Coach Donnelly's divorce went through?

- I think it did. - Okay.

Why d... [Gasps]

Do you have a crush on Joe Donnelly?!

What? No. Who is that?

Oooh!

- No. - You do!

[Laughing]

Abbey and Joe sittin' in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-S...

S-I-P-P-I

- In a tree

- Shut up!

[School bell rings]

[Grunts]

God, what were doing?

Was throwing up the "West Side" symbol necessary? God...

Well, your prostate's clear, Shoemaker.

However, that's not the only thing

that causes spontaneous urination.

Okay. Well, what else can cause it?

Well, in the medical field, we call it being a huge pussy.

I'm not a pussy! He had a knife, man!

It was a cake knife, pussy.

Clearly, I have a medical issue.

Low-T! I bet that's what it is!

I see it on TV all the time.

Now just give me some supplements,

and I'll get out of here.

Obviously, I can't shoot you up with hormones

'cause you think you have low-T.

I think we're done here... pussy.

Listen. I'm sorry, okay?

Now, what can I do to convince you?

- Of what? - What do you mean "of what?"

Of what we were just talking about.

Well, just pretend like I'm a completely different person

and give me the elevator pitch.

I want you to give me testosterone injections

so I can be more manly.

And you should have it. How much cash you got?

Oh, uh, I don't know. I think like $80?

That's exactly how much it costs.

Scratch that. I'm sorry. $100.

$100 is exactly how much it costs for a week's supply,

- which I have right here. - Oh.

So, here and there, and I'll take those.

Now, listen, before you start treatment,

I should warn you, there are some side effects.

There's oily skin, breast enlargements...

Unh!

- You're gonna start right away? - Oh!

Oh, God! That hurt.

I'm telling you, Geoffrey, you are as taut as a wire.

Too much pressure, and you're gonna snap.

Tammy, I have seen

over a dozen Ringling Brothers shows, okay?

Let me tell you something. Those wires never snap.

Okay? Leave it alone.

- Hey, Loren, you got a second? - Not now, Tammy.

I got to be at the mathnasium like yesterday,

or Ethan and Aiden will be stranded,

and Katarina will have my ass.

I don't have time to talk about your fake girlfriend!

Do these look fake? Huh? Yeah.

They're like that big. It's awesome.

Look, Loren, you know Geoffrey better than anybody else.

I need you to help me find a subtle way

- to test his stress levels. - Okay, you got it.

- [Fire alarm ringing] - No! What is...

There you go, Tammy.

Let's turn and burn these bacon bitches!

Stab the first guard you see!

Okay, uh, uh, kids, back to class!

- Back to class! It's just a drill! - It's a drill.

- Just a drill. - Heh.

I know I've been hiding it pretty well,

but I don't think I'm readjusting to civilian life.

Oh, Geoffrey, you have not been hiding it well, Boo.

[Crying]

No, Boo-Boo, no.

It's okay.

Let it out, Boo-Boo.

- I was in prison! - Oh!

[Cheers and applause]

Fairbell, you stink!

Quit cuddling and wrestle already!

This is so boring!

Well, actually, Coach, it's pretty exciting.

He's in a Half Nelson right now.

Yeah, and I'm half interested.

Um, why are you guys all wearing the same costume?

Where are the ringside antics?

Haven't you ever seen wrestling?

C-coach, this isn't the WWE.

Uh, yeah, 'cause you're doing it wrong. [Gasps]

- That gives me an idea. - Get up!

Donny, blow this air horn in 10 seconds. Trust me.

Brett, come with me.

[Air horn blares]

[Audience shouting]

- Whoo! - Woman: What the...?

[Cheering]

Someone just got their Fairbell rung!

Whoa, Ref, Ref. What the hell was that?!

That's a fair pin. Both shoulders were down.

Yeah, because my kid is unconscious.

He got hit with a goddamn chair!

Whoo! Or maybe he just got his Fairbell rung.

[Laughing] You like that?

I just came up with that... a little earlier.

Why don't you relax, Coach Fairbell?

Yeah, well, I'll relax when I'm dead,

'cause it's about time you started learning

what Smoot wrestling's all about.

Oh, really? Like being the laughingstock of the district?

Not anymore. Now there's a new dog in the yard.

And this dog bites.

Uh-oh. Whose dog is this? Nobody knows.

Sorry. He's watched too much WWE.

He's just trying to trash-talk you and not very well.

- [Growling] - Referee: All right, that's enough.

I'm calling this match a draw.

Rematch next Friday, Smoot High.

[Cheering]

Or even walking to your car. Who comes out of the bushes?

It's that dog again. It's jumping up on you.

[Growling]

All right, let's dance, little man.

I'll see you at the match one week from tonight.

Yeah, well, normally, one week from tonight,

I'd be washing this pot scrubber,

but I guess I'll be washing your brains off the mat.

Well, I'm gonna have my kids with me.

I guess they're gonna see their daddy kick your ass

while providing a court-ordered safe and supervised environment!

Bring your kids, 'cause it's about time they learn

what a bitch dick their dad is!

- Ruff ruff! - Oh! Oh!

Let's go.

Joe? Uh, Joe?

Joe

Joe, J... sorry. Hi!

- I'm Abbey Logan, the school librarian. - Yeah.

I'm gonna be at your meet next week,

and, uh, I'm free almost, um, like every night.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

You looking for something to do on the weekends

and occasionally at the last minute on a weekday?

Oh, my God. Yeah.

How do you feel about pizza?

I can eat like five slices at a time.

Great. You'll hear from me.

What? [Laughing] Yeah!

And that's why Rosa Parks is proof

that one person can make a difference.

- Mr. Shoemaker. - Yeah.

Do you think Rosa Parks didn't give up her seat

because she peed her pants?

[Laughter]

Joel's funny. You could honestly...

you could probably call Joel the Rosa Parks

of making you all write a 15-page paper

on the Civil Rights movement by tomorrow!

[School bell rings]

Now get out!

Whoa. Nice mustache, Little League World Series.

Mind if I, uh, check your birth certificate or what?

You know, I was actually gonna ask you if I could get some beard oil

- so I could put some on this, you know? - Oh, you don't need that.

You could just squeegee down the grease on your forehead

directly into your mustache, save yourself a few bucks.

I was gonna ask you about relationship advice. You've clearly got...

- ... something else going on. - No, no, no!

I've got nothing else going on.

- No, no, no. - You sure, man?

- Yeah, totally fine. - You seem off.

Why don't you go ahead? Have a seat.

You don't mind if I push while we talk, do you?

What do you need a needle for, Shoemaker?

Ah, it's low-T. It's no big deal.

So, uh, affairs of the heart, bro talk.

Yeah.

Well, I just want to know if you thought it was too soon

to ask Katarina to go away with me for the weekend.

Well, I suppose that depends on whether or not

you're willing to take it past third base, huh?!

- Are you?! Are you?! - Yes. Yes.

- You ready to?! - Of course I am.

But I'm stuck in the... the batter's box, man.

Between all of Ethan and Aiden's activities,

by the time we get home at night, we're just...

so tired, we go to sleep.

So, uh, you're staying there, then?

No, I-I drop her off, and then... and then I go home.

You just strap it up like that, huh?

For testosterone.

I'll be... completely honest with you, all right?

- I have a mantra that I live by. - Yeah. Yeah.

Love is life,

and if you're not living, you're not loving!

You see what I'm saying there?

- No, not at all. - Got that?

- That makes no sense at... - [Grunts]

Now, what... And why would you...

- Oh, God! - ... put it in your leg...

- And if her tits... - ... and yet you strapped...

are anywhere near

as incredible as Tammy says

- that you say they are, huh? - They are.

You take that little Manx on that weekend getaway with you.

[Door opens]

Tammy: Geoffrey

Dirty Royce told me to snitch!

Oh, hey, Tam-Tam.

Hey, I-I got a surprise for you.

Jesse? Jesse!

[Laughing]

Oh, my God!

Look at us, making contact again.

I have missed us so much.

What brings you more happiness than your band, Beard Science?

Yeah, we figured you'd be pretty raw over how things went down.

Are you kidding?

Guys, I take full responsibility for our last gig.

I was more talking about how we hired another singer

and have gone done blown up a bit.

We're headlining the Telluride Bluegrass Festival.

Huh. Telluride.

Well, we have been pretty blessed since we parted ways with you.

Yeah, and I bought a Tesla, with blueteeth.

Why don't you guys play a little something?

You know, sweet bluegrass with friends.

Oh, speaking of friends, we're collaborating with The Lumineers.

- The Lumineers? - Yeah.

- Well, good for you. - Yeah.

Oh, I would tell you what I've been up to,

but it'd just bore you.

You got all this excitement with your cars and...

festivals and lack of jobs.

And a one and a two, and a this is what we do.

When you're down in the hollow and the creek runs dry

And you look to the heavens and you ask them why

Go into your cell, and you hid that knife

And you bribed the guards so you can take that knife

And you take that life, and you take it away

They stabbed you in the back, and that makes it okay

When you're already getting a headline

You didn't have to work your way up

Like the other musicians had to

And I hope you trip

And you choke on your artist's pass

And I can't even get in to watch from the side stage!

I like this new you.

- Oh, hey, Abbey. - Yeah.

Barely noticed you. I was too busy looking for a book called

"So Many Doilies: A Guide to Silent Sex in a Bed & Breakfast."

- Do you have it? - Uh, Loren, this is a school library.

Why, you ask,

- would I be looking for such a book? - Didn't ask.

Well, since you must know, I, uh...

am planning a romantic getaway

- for me and my lady. - [Scoffs]

I wanted to find the perfect spot.

Oh. Look at you.

You know, I would suggest that we double date,

but I know that you'd be pretty intimidated by my man, Big Joe.

He's a smoking-hot former American gladiator.

Who is it? Laser? Hawk? Nitro?

- Laser, isn't it? - Zephyr.

Yeah, no one's ever heard of Zephyr.

My lady's no stranger to television, either.

She's a former Miss Former Yugoslavia, so how about that?

Gross.

And just think, last week, you almost got fired

for writing a book about [bleep].

You're right. I'm an author.

- Yeah. - A loser.

You're a loser.

[Whistle blows]

Sorry I'm late. [Grunts]

I had to bribe Summer with an old codeine prescription

in exchange for these costumes.

Now, you guys are used to losing with your vanilla wrestling,

but now that I'm in charge, get ready for Rocky Road, okay?

Now, the first step to kicking East right up the A...

pro-wrestler identities.

And there's some cool stuff in here, like this mask.

Like, who are you now?

- Tornado. - Tornado.

This guy gets it. What else do we have?

Mr. Sparkles!

This stuff's all for fake pro wrestling.

This is a real sport.

Fake? Did I just hear somebody say "fake"?

Does this look fake?

- Hunh! - Ohh.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Uh, sorry to interrupt this circle jerk,

but I wanted to see the dummy before the crash test.

The only crash test in here is you.

Big Joe and East are gonna eat you alive, Fairbell.

Since when are you on Big Joe's team, anyway, Benedict eggs?

Okay, since we started dating, I'm practically the mother to his children.

Get ready to have your Fairbell rung.

[Air brake hisses]

[Dog barking]

Now, what was so important you had to pull me away

from tending to my toilet wine...

uh, the annual budget?

Well, dogs can be therapeutic for someone in your position,

so I went down to the shelter,

and I got you one from the shelter's express kill list.

[Chuckles nervously] Oh, God!

Well, I like his spirit. What's his name?

Gramps.

Why would they name a dog Gramps?

Because if you're not paying attention, he'll get your nose!

[Giggling]

Give me that back.

Probably why he's 37-0.

All right, let's meet the little guy here.

[Dog growling]

Hey, budd...

Aah! Aah!

[Laughing]

- Geoffrey! He likes you! - Of course he does, Tammy!

We were two caged beasts that recently got sprung.

[Laughs] Thank you.

You want to thank me, take him for a walk.

He ate all my headrests.

Speaking of headrests...

- [Both laugh] - ... he's like a pillow!

[Indistinct conversations]

Oh, God.

Why do I feel like I'm line at a payday loan right now?

Trashy, right? Yeah.

Fairbell got it at the party store.

Apparently, if you rent 10 bouncy castles,

you get a wrestling ring for free.

What is going on with your hair, Shoemaker?

Oh, it's the Jason Statham. You dig it?

- Uh, more like Jason Alexander. - Yeah.

You need to cool it on the testosterone, buddy.

You got a real Deadpool situation

going on with that acne.

Yeah. Never really felt better in my life.

[Grunts] Aah!

[Coughs]

Sorry.

Just a gas bubble in my left arm.

I wish my and Joe's kids were here

to watch him mop the floor with Fairbell.

- How old are his kids? - Our kids are 6 and 7.

Katarina and I have a 6 and 7-year-old.

I feel like I never really lived until I had kids.

Yes. It's like I had a lifestyle, but now I have a life.

[Voice breaking] I haven't seen my son in 9 months.

We have to get the kids together to City Park.

I'll ask Katarina. She's meeting me here for our weekend away.

I don't even think he'd know what I look like

if I saw him on the street.

- [Bell dings] - Okay, wrestlers!

For our first match, we have Johnson from East!

[Cheers and applause]

Whoo!

And McCartney from Smoot!

Correction... the Tornado!

The Tornado.

[Theme music plays]

Yeah!

That all you got, Donnelly?!

Go! Go, go, go!

Andy: What?!

What?!

What is that?!

What is... this it's supposed to be one-on-one!

I just said Johnson. I didn't say how many Johnsons.

Oh, I fell for the classic Johnson and Johnsons!

Oh, no more tears.

[Audience groans]

If I wanted a peck on the cheek, I would've called your mom.

Yeah, gonna be hard to get a kiss from my mom

with my [bleep] in your mouth.

Sorry, Mom. Get in line.

- [bleep] - That's pretty good.

- That is pretty good. - Wow, his trash talk is improving.

That was not a legit win. Kids come first.

Yeah, and then I [bleep] second,

'cause my [bleep] in your mouth.

- Not a legit win, my ass! - Andy: Oh!

Was that a sweet kiss from Mommy?

Why don't you give up, Coach?

Oh, no, I'm just getting started.

I'm gonna go get changed.

I'll be back in this ring for... for you.

Your funeral.

Oh! Oh.

Take it all off!

Unh!

That's all just water muscle.

The minute that guys stops working out,

that just turns into fat.

Fat! [Groans]

Loren: Ethan, Aiden!

Abbey: Oh, Aiden and Ethan!

Hey, little dude. How's it going?

- Up here. - Hi! Come here.

- Wait. How do you know Ethan and Aiden? - How do you know Ethan and Aiden?

What's up, little guys?

Thank God you're here to take them off my hands.

And why am I meeting you at my ex-husband's wrestling meet?

[Bell dings]

Announcer: Uh-oh. Did somebody lose a dog?

Get ready for the Jack Russell Terrorizer!

- What the...? - [Panting]

Who's walking who?!

[Panting continues]

Uh-oh! Somebody's off-leash!

[Sniffing]

I've been left home alone all day,

and I just got into your bathroom trash.

What are you gonna do?

So, wait a minute. I'm the trash in this scenario?

[Panting]

Aaah!

Looks like I just put this dog down!

Fake! Fake!

Look at this gym poseur trying to act like he's all swole!

Dude, he can hear you, Shoemaker.

Glad he can hear me! You know why?

'Cause anybody could take out Forrest Gimp.

But I'd like to see you

try to take on somebody your own size!

Oh, yeah? You know anyone?

Let me see if I can find their number. Oh, wait! It's me!

Bring it in.

You want some of this, buddy? Huh?

You ain't so big in person.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Ohh! Ohh!

[Audience groans]

Oh! That's so great, baby!

- I'm so proud of you! - Number two!

"Baby"? He's not your baby.

Katarina? Wait. You brought your babysitter?

Is this the creep who's been showing Ethan and Aiden violent cartoons?

Bro, it was "Clone Wars." That's PG.

I'm gonna get some popcorn.

Ethan and Aiden, I'll get some popcorn. I'll be right back.

Come here, you little [bleep].

Get up here. Get your ass in there!

No, no, no, no, no! No, no!

Donnelly, this is bigger than you or me, man!

This is about love, okay?

[Audience groans]

Oh-ho. Okay.

Katarina, before I lose consciousness,

I think it's time we took it to the next level!

[Audience groans]

[Cheers and applause]

You get your hands off of him!

This ends now, Donnelly.

It's gonna end right now.

[Laughter]

So I guess I have to embarrass everyone at this school?

You know, about an hour ago,

I would've grabbed a dumbbell from the yard,

beat you over the head so I could see

what your meathead brains look like.

But I guess today's your lucky day.

'Cause I had a close friend help me conquer my demons.

So, bait me all you want,

but I am now on the path of the peaceful ma...

[Chokes, coughs]

[Dog barking, snarling]

Donnelly: Ohh! Ohh! Get him off me!

N-o-o-o-o!

Gramps, however, is on a very different path.

[Screaming]

Oh, your beautiful body!

Your hair's growing in pretty nicely there, Statham.

Thank you.

Yeah, uh, Dr. Green has me on a round of estrogen treatment

to help offset all the horrific damage

I did with the testosterone.

That's medically sound.

And I apologize if I'm fidgeting a bit,

but my nipples are extremely sensitive.

Man, if Big Joe Donnelly thinks I'm gonna take this lying down,

he's gonna another thing coming.

As soon as my two halves fuse together,

it's on... rematch, in a cage.

We'll see if he's still laughing when I'm biting his [bleep].

Leave the guy alone. He's barely got a face left.

Welp, it's official.

According to Facebook, Joe and Katarina are back together,

- and "it's complicated." - I saw that.

Ugh! Did you and Joe ever actually, like,

uh, unite the clans or...?

No, we never even kissed.

- What about you and Katarina? - No.

Not even, like, an awkward side hug.

So I guess we were just babysitters.

Yeah, I always wondered why Joe was never on any of our dates.

Katarina just stuffed a $20 in my front shirt pocket

- at the end of every night. - [Scoffs]

Everyone, I would, uh, like to apologize.

I thought that I was strong enough

to go through prison and not be affected by it,

but I was wrong, and I'm learning now that that's okay.

And to you, Mr. Shoemaker,

I feel that I owe a personal apology.

No! Stop right there. Okay?

Because you had me at "Mr. Shoemaker."

And this just may be the estrogen talking,

but I think you are one hell of a man!

Thank you for that.

And it is without question the estrogen talking.

- I wouldn't say it otherwise. - I'll take it.

Hey, Coach Peters, feeling better?

I was feeling a lot better,

till I got a call from the state athletic board!

The school got suspended from competition for six months,

because this ass clown right here

decided to take the noble sport of man-on-man wrestling

and turn it into some sort of freak show!

You're welcome.

[Chuckles] Yep.

If I had to, uh, do it all over again,

I wouldn't change a thing.

Man on TV: And the Grammy for Best Bluegrass Alt-Country Crossover

goes to Beard Science, featuring The Lumineers.

I cannot catch a break.

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0