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[BIG MAMA CASS'S "DON'T LET
THE GOOD LIFE PASS YOU BY"]
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♪ La la la la la ♪
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_
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00:00:29,690 --> 00:00:35,000
♪ Did you ever lie and
listen to the rain fall ♪
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♪ Did you ever own a
homemade apple pie ♪
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00:00:40,210 --> 00:00:44,019
♪ Did you ever watch a child
while he was praying ♪
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00:00:44,020 --> 00:00:45,100
_
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00:00:45,740 --> 00:00:50,240
♪ Just don't let the
good life pass you by ♪
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00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,139
♪ Did you ever hold the
hand of starving... ♪
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00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:54,350
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
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00:00:55,190 --> 00:00:56,850
- Hello.
- Hello.
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00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,239
Hope we have the right house.
15
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,360
I'm looking for a Doug Forcett?
16
00:01:00,390 --> 00:01:02,160
Well, I'm Doug Forcett.
17
00:01:02,260 --> 00:01:05,180
How? Oh, yes. Yes, you are.
18
00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:10,180
Sorry, um, I'm a reporter for
the "Calgary Times Examiner."
19
00:01:10,260 --> 00:01:13,140
My name is Michael Scoop.
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00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,480
This is my photographer, Janet... Scoop.
21
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,680
- She's my sister with the scoops.
- Oh, boy.
22
00:01:18,740 --> 00:01:20,880
Some people in town are saying you live
23
00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:22,890
a pretty interesting life out here.
24
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,480
Growing your own food
completely off the grid?
25
00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:28,140
We would love to do a
human interest story
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00:01:28,180 --> 00:01:29,880
about you for the paper.
27
00:01:29,940 --> 00:01:31,310
What do you say?
28
00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,120
Okay, well let me think.
29
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,810
Well, first off, I'm so
flattered that you'd want to do
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00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:37,579
a whole news story just about me.
31
00:01:37,580 --> 00:01:38,710
That's so nice.
32
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,280
A heartfelt thanks to
the whole Scoop family.
33
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:45,120
Can I ask... is your newspaper
printed on recycled paper?
34
00:01:45,140 --> 00:01:47,640
Yes, no, very recycled. The most.
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00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,360
Well, all right then. Come on in.
36
00:01:49,390 --> 00:01:50,520
Great, great.
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00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,630
Oh, hey, you know, before we forget.
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00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:54,960
Can Janet take a photo
of you for the paper?
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00:01:54,980 --> 00:01:56,160
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
40
00:01:56,180 --> 00:01:59,030
Okay, can you look up a
little and to the right?
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00:01:59,070 --> 00:02:02,680
Smile, but only with your
mouth and not your eyes.
42
00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:03,940
Perfect.
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00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,340
[PLEASANT MUSIC]
44
00:02:06,350 --> 00:02:08,959
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,300
_
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00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,219
It was 1972.
47
00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:15,380
My friend Randy and I ate
some magic mushrooms.
48
00:02:15,420 --> 00:02:18,660
Randy asked me, "what do you
think happens when you die?"
49
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:23,380
And I saw with perfect clarity
how the afterlife works.
50
00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:27,660
Immediately I knew I had
to live a perfect life.
51
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:29,200
Well, not immediately.
52
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,000
The next day all I could do
was watch kung-fu movies
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00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,920
and stroke a blanket that
I thought was my cat.
54
00:02:34,940 --> 00:02:39,080
But soon after, I designed
a life that would maximize
55
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:42,020
my point total and help me
get into the Good Place.
56
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,980
And I've been living it ever since.
57
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:45,800
I know, this sounds crazy.
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00:02:45,820 --> 00:02:49,180
No! No, actually it makes...
it makes perfect sense.
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00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:50,680
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
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00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:53,500
Oh, boy. You've been sitting
here for ten minutes
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00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,580
and I haven't offered you
anything to eat or drink.
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00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,980
Would you like some water
or fresh radishes?
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00:02:59,020 --> 00:03:00,530
Water would be great.
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00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,570
Janet, how cool is he?
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00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,870
You know, for a celebrity,
he's amazingly down to earth.
66
00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:11,770
Stars. They really are just like us.
67
00:03:11,810 --> 00:03:14,410
He's so thoughtful with his actions.
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00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,360
Thank goodness he had
that hallucination.
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00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:17,790
He could have had the one Randy had
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00:03:17,810 --> 00:03:19,680
where everything was made of ears.
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00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,800
Way less helpful.
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00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,550
We have to learn everything we can
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00:03:22,580 --> 00:03:24,170
about what makes him tick
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00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,020
so we can use it to help others.
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00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,020
He is the blueprint, Janet.
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00:03:29,490 --> 00:03:31,279
He figured it all out.
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00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,700
Here we go... two waters.
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00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,460
Let me know if you're
not happy with them.
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00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:37,300
I have ice cubes if it's too warm
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00:03:37,330 --> 00:03:39,820
and a koozie if it's too cold.
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00:03:40,940 --> 00:03:42,220
Oh.
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00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,960
Well, that has an
interesting aftertaste.
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00:03:44,970 --> 00:03:46,910
- Is that from a nearby river?
- Oh, no.
84
00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:49,800
Why take fresh water away from
the beavers and the fish?
85
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,400
No, I have my composting toilet
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00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,600
hooked up to a water filtration system.
87
00:03:54,940 --> 00:03:57,680
One man's waste is another man's water.
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00:03:57,700 --> 00:03:59,340
And both men are me.
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00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:00,720
[BOTH LAUGH]
90
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:01,800
Hmm.
91
00:04:02,190 --> 00:04:05,360
Yeah, I'm pretty excited
to relax and have a drink.
92
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:06,760
I mean, saving souls feels great,
93
00:04:06,790 --> 00:04:10,659
but Sydney to Budapest
to Phoenix to Calgary...
94
00:04:10,660 --> 00:04:13,200
I'm so jetlagged, I can't
even regrender my chorf.
95
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,870
Don't even know what
I was trying to say.
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00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,440
You need to get your blood flowing.
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00:04:18,470 --> 00:04:19,760
There's a pool table over there.
98
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,010
- Wanna play?
- Yeah, sure. Why not.
99
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,560
Let's do it.
100
00:04:27,220 --> 00:04:29,399
Tahani, can I ask your
advice about something?
101
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,040
Is it about your grating speaking voice?
102
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,100
I'm so glad you finally brought it up.
103
00:04:33,180 --> 00:04:35,240
Because, honestly, with a
few elocution lessons...
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00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:36,980
No, I wanna ask you about Chidi.
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00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:38,360
What's wrong with my voice?
106
00:04:39,230 --> 00:04:41,580
Nothing. It's lovely.
107
00:04:41,660 --> 00:04:42,940
Tell me about Chidi.
108
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,730
So, it must get lonely
up here all by yourself
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00:04:45,770 --> 00:04:46,870
without anyone to talk to.
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00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:48,860
Oh, I've got lots of friends.
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00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,240
There's this little guy, for example.
112
00:04:51,270 --> 00:04:53,440
Yeah, it's a snail.
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00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,840
Hi, snail. I don't name them in case
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00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,580
they already have a name they prefer.
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00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,850
- Huh.
- So, this is an organic garden?
116
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,580
Yeah. Everything I eat I grow myself.
117
00:05:03,620 --> 00:05:06,200
The radish patch was actually
here when I moved in.
118
00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:07,990
I thought it'd be mean to dig it up.
119
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,020
Mean to the radishes?
120
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:13,760
I also grow lentils because
they require very little water
121
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,560
and have the smallest carbon footprint.
122
00:05:15,580 --> 00:05:16,930
Huh.
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00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,180
All he consumes are
lentils and radishes.
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00:05:19,220 --> 00:05:22,740
No, Janet. He also
consumes his own waste.
125
00:05:22,770 --> 00:05:25,560
So, everything's fine.
126
00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:27,079
How do you play pool again?
127
00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,280
What are the rules?
128
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:30,220
That's one of the best
things about pool, dawg.
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00:05:30,260 --> 00:05:31,260
There are no rules.
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00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:32,679
I am 100% sure there are.
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00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:33,710
Me and my friends play
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00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,780
a special Jacksonville style of pool.
133
00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:37,899
It's called "Special
Jacksonville-style pool."
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00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,599
You hit whatever ball you want
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00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,289
but you use your hands.
136
00:05:41,290 --> 00:05:43,460
And: that's it.
137
00:05:46,060 --> 00:05:48,300
Okay, your turn. I got
a thousand points.
138
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:49,519
Oh, that's the other rule.
139
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,520
You make up your own points.
140
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,000
I got five million points.
141
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:57,040
Damn, how'd you get so
good at this so fast?
142
00:05:57,070 --> 00:06:01,610
So, in this whole other
timeline, Chidi and I said
143
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,560
"I love you" to each other.
144
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,720
But he doesn't remember
any of that happened,
145
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,379
so I guess my question is,
146
00:06:09,380 --> 00:06:10,619
When is the right time
147
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,280
to tell someone you
were passionate lovers
148
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:14,300
in an alternate timeline
in the afterlife
149
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,320
but he doesn't remember
because technically
150
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,100
none of that happened in this
strand of the multi-verse?
151
00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:20,519
- Ugh.
- You know what?
152
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:21,830
I'll just check with Yahoo answers.
153
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,396
- I'm sure someone's weighed in.
- Nope, nope.
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00:06:23,420 --> 00:06:26,070
I'm flattered you would seek my advice.
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00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:28,960
Though, I suppose, it makes sense.
156
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,770
I'm sure the one constant
in all the reboots
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00:06:30,810 --> 00:06:32,940
is that you and I are best friends.
158
00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:34,780
Uh-huh. Yep. Mm-hmm.
159
00:06:34,810 --> 00:06:38,350
Look, I don't think you
would want Chidi to know
160
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,780
what happened in the past
unless you wanted it
161
00:06:40,820 --> 00:06:43,220
to happen again in the present.
162
00:06:43,950 --> 00:06:46,320
You can't know how Chidi will react.
163
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,399
It may be painful but
it's never a bad idea
164
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,660
to tell someone how you feel.
165
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,960
Thanks, Tahani. You give
really good advice.
166
00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:57,640
And you made a really hot centaur.
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00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:58,770
Sorry?
168
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:03,340
So, these are some of my 71
adopted dogs and wolves.
169
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,470
You've rescued every stray animal
170
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,160
that's ever wandered onto your property?
171
00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:10,160
Oh, yes, ma'am. I've been
mauled several times.
172
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,439
Oh, this little guy here might
look innocent, but boy,
173
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,620
he goes right for the squeaker
if you know what I mean.
174
00:07:16,150 --> 00:07:18,439
Oh, this is fun. You
get to meet Raymond.
175
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,170
- Hi, Raymond.
- Hi, dumdum.
176
00:07:20,180 --> 00:07:21,660
Who are these two hosers?
177
00:07:21,690 --> 00:07:24,380
Don't worry about Raymond.
He's just a local sociopath
178
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,890
who comes by my house to
take advantage of me.
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00:07:26,930 --> 00:07:29,800
Yeah, I got your laundry all
folded and ready for you.
180
00:07:29,830 --> 00:07:31,299
For whatever reason, this loser
181
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:33,240
does whatever you tell him to do.
182
00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:35,020
Watch. Hey, give that guy your shoe.
183
00:07:35,870 --> 00:07:38,320
- Would that make you happy?
- Very happy.
184
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,720
Now give him your shoe.
185
00:07:39,870 --> 00:07:42,170
Well, that's okay, Doug,
don't... I don't need your shoe.
186
00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:43,280
Please don't give me your shoe.
187
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,980
Well, then give me your
shoe, or I'll be sad.
188
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:47,960
There you are.
189
00:07:48,850 --> 00:07:50,380
[LAUGHING]
190
00:07:50,420 --> 00:07:52,040
Well, as long as he's happy.
191
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,920
See, if I make him
happy, I get the points.
192
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,780
That's how the system works, remember?
193
00:07:55,860 --> 00:07:57,520
Go get your shoe, idiot.
194
00:07:57,580 --> 00:07:59,099
[CHUCKLES] Be right back.
195
00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:01,280
Ow. Oh, that's a bleeder.
196
00:08:01,430 --> 00:08:03,220
- Oh.
- Yeah.
197
00:08:04,260 --> 00:08:05,660
Michael, face facts.
198
00:08:05,710 --> 00:08:08,060
Doug is not the blueprint
of how to live a good life.
199
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,619
He's become a happiness pump.
200
00:08:09,620 --> 00:08:10,629
What?
201
00:08:10,630 --> 00:08:12,060
Remember from Chidi's lessons?
202
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:13,770
I remember the term happiness pump.
203
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,200
That's just mostly because
Eleanor and Jason
204
00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:17,780
made a bunch of dirty jokes about it.
205
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,220
It's a criticism of utilitarianism.
206
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,560
A happiness pump is
someone who is obsessed
207
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:25,520
with maximizing the overall
good at his or her expense.
208
00:08:25,710 --> 00:08:27,959
Doug will do literally anything
209
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,240
to make other people happy
210
00:08:29,260 --> 00:08:30,860
even if it makes him miserable.
211
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:33,030
Oh, I don't think he's miserable.
212
00:08:33,070 --> 00:08:36,480
So, everyone happy and
contented in here?
213
00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:37,780
What's...
214
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,679
Oh, I volunteered to test
cosmetics for a local company
215
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,430
so they don't have to test on animals.
216
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,440
- It's fun!
- Huh.
217
00:08:43,450 --> 00:08:45,280
For the animals who don't have to do it.
218
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,940
For me, it's like
wearing a mask of fire.
219
00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:49,620
Uh, what can I do for you now?
220
00:08:49,650 --> 00:08:51,249
Would you like to move in, permanently?
221
00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:53,040
Or would either of you
like any more water
222
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,599
- or one of my kidneys?
- You know what?
223
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,400
We have absolutely everything we need.
224
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,180
Thank you. We're gonna head out now.
225
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,879
Okay, well, it was so
nice to meet you, Janet,
226
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,800
and you, Mark. I mean Michael.
227
00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:07,380
I called you Mark. Your name is Michael.
228
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:08,920
No, no, that's okay. Hey, hey.
229
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:09,999
Stay with me here, buddy.
230
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,900
No, no, no, no, this is very bad.
231
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,060
Forgetting someone's name...
232
00:09:13,070 --> 00:09:14,619
that's definitely lost me some points.
233
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:16,780
Hey, you know, I've
always secretly wished
234
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:17,800
my name was Mark.
235
00:09:17,801 --> 00:09:19,900
Lie. That's a lie!
236
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,100
Now I'm accusing you of lying.
237
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,220
Now I'm yelling. Why am I yelling?
238
00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:25,320
I need to make this up.
239
00:09:25,380 --> 00:09:28,040
I'm going to give you a
really nice haircut.
240
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,500
[SQUISHING]
241
00:09:29,890 --> 00:09:31,599
- Was that...
- A snail?
242
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,299
Yeah that was a...
243
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:36,060
Oh, no, no, no, no.
244
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,600
I think he's still alive.
245
00:09:37,630 --> 00:09:40,760
Do either of you know anything
about snail first aid?
246
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,370
- No.
- Yes. I mean, "no."
247
00:09:42,410 --> 00:09:44,759
All right, Michael, I need
you to find some scotch tape
248
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,440
while I apply pressure.
249
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,819
Too much pressure.
250
00:09:47,820 --> 00:09:49,900
I'm gonna need that tape!
251
00:09:51,140 --> 00:09:52,620
Oh, What?!
252
00:09:52,650 --> 00:09:54,580
Jacksonville style, baby.
253
00:09:54,620 --> 00:09:56,820
Thirty million points.
254
00:09:56,850 --> 00:09:57,900
Nice one, homie.
255
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:59,540
Hey, what are you guys doing?
256
00:09:59,550 --> 00:10:02,320
Well, I either know
exactly what I'm doing
257
00:10:02,350 --> 00:10:05,099
and it's something, or we're
doing nothing and I'm winning.
258
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:06,360
Congrats.
259
00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:08,060
Can I talk to you for a second?
260
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:11,079
Okay, a few days ago,
261
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:13,080
Michael showed me something.
262
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:16,639
And I don't know exactly
how to say this,
263
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:20,880
but you and I are...
264
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,000
Bambadjan.
265
00:10:25,220 --> 00:10:26,739
You know, I never
thought about it before
266
00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:28,340
but yeah, we are kinda Bambadjan.
267
00:10:28,350 --> 00:10:30,250
No, you jetlagged doof.
268
00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:33,800
Bambadjan is the name of a
demon from the Bad Place
269
00:10:33,820 --> 00:10:36,420
who is somehow right over there.
270
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,239
Come with me right now.
271
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,250
Okay, okay.
272
00:10:43,260 --> 00:10:44,860
Hey guys, having fun? Cool, cool, cool.
273
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:46,579
So, we need to get out
of here immediately
274
00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:48,180
because this bar is full of demons.
275
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,780
Eleanor, just because
these people are wearing
276
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,219
cheap leather and stone washed denim,
277
00:10:51,220 --> 00:10:52,400
they're still part of the Queen's realm.
278
00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:53,616
Calling them demons is a bit much.
279
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,500
No, no, no, no, actual demons.
280
00:10:55,510 --> 00:10:56,950
Like, from the Bad Place.
281
00:10:56,980 --> 00:10:59,016
Okay, Chidi and I are going
to go out the side door.
282
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,320
You and Tahani go out the back.
283
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,080
Or we do this the old fashioned way.
284
00:11:02,100 --> 00:11:03,640
How did you make that so fast?
285
00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:05,720
Bortle...
286
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,790
[MUFFLED CRY]
287
00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:12,210
Hello, idiots.
288
00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:13,620
Surprised to see me?
289
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:16,220
[SIGHS] Right.
290
00:11:16,250 --> 00:11:18,640
You don't remember. I'm Sean.
291
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,100
You are very scared of me.
292
00:11:20,220 --> 00:11:23,320
Now, where's Michael?
293
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,100
We are here to celebrate the life of
294
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,020
Martin Luther Gandhi
Tyler Moore, the snail.
295
00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:32,230
I named him/her that
posthumously because I imagine
296
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:36,440
him/her to be the greatest
and most talented snail
297
00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:37,680
ever to have lived.
298
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,100
Michael, would you care
to say a few words?
299
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,140
[CHUCKLES]
300
00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:45,620
Oh, you're serious. Yes.
301
00:11:45,660 --> 00:11:46,710
Um, okay.
302
00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:49,850
Martin was a lot of things.
303
00:11:49,890 --> 00:11:51,820
A snail, mostly.
304
00:11:51,850 --> 00:11:54,000
But also a friend.
305
00:11:54,420 --> 00:11:58,730
Martin taught us about life, about love,
306
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:03,580
and about the limits of scotch tape.
307
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,380
Goodbye, Martin.
308
00:12:05,390 --> 00:12:07,260
Happy, slimy trails, old friend.
309
00:12:08,420 --> 00:12:10,570
I'm sorry, I've got to leave right away.
310
00:12:10,610 --> 00:12:12,400
I've decided to make a donation
311
00:12:12,460 --> 00:12:16,420
to the Canadian Mollusk
Association in Martin's honor.
312
00:12:16,460 --> 00:12:19,480
Their office is in Edmonton,
so it will take me
313
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,460
about three weeks to
walk there and back.
314
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,380
Take care. Okay, look out little fellow.
315
00:12:25,420 --> 00:12:26,880
Heads up.
316
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,190
- Here comes a shoe.
- Say, Doug, look.
317
00:12:29,230 --> 00:12:32,360
Do you mind if we ask you
just a few more questions?
318
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:35,530
What you're doing here...
how you're living your life...
319
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,330
just so wonderful.
320
00:12:37,370 --> 00:12:39,300
But can I maybe give you
just a little advice?
321
00:12:39,340 --> 00:12:41,680
I know... I should donate more blood.
322
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,059
I'll try, but the last
time I went down there
323
00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:45,439
they said I was so anemic,
324
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,900
they ended up giving me blood.
325
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,720
No, look, look. Um...
326
00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:52,300
I've been a reporter
for a long time, Doug.
327
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,239
Met all sorts of people.
328
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:58,350
Traveled all over this
crazy blue marble.
329
00:12:58,390 --> 00:13:00,880
Meeting regular folks.
330
00:13:01,220 --> 00:13:04,439
Every face tells a story, Doug.
331
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:07,700
Why, I'd say that those
so-called regular folks
332
00:13:07,740 --> 00:13:10,680
often turn out to be not
so regular after all.
333
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:11,860
- Michael.
- Sorry.
334
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:15,820
The point is, I have never
met anyone so dedicated
335
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:19,880
to making other people and snails happy.
336
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:23,200
If what you're saying is
true about the afterlife,
337
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,400
then you must have earned more
than enough points by now.
338
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,699
So, loosen up, bud. Have a little fun.
339
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:32,140
Eat something besides lentils.
340
00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:34,900
- Like radishes?
- No, no, Doug. Dammit.
341
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:37,860
Just have ice cream or chicken parm.
342
00:13:37,890 --> 00:13:40,220
Live your life. You know, travel.
343
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:43,380
Drink regular water
that wasn't inside you.
344
00:13:43,420 --> 00:13:45,840
Okay? Just relax.
345
00:13:46,370 --> 00:13:47,740
Thank you, Michael.
346
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,000
But no.
347
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,960
I can't do any of those things.
348
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,280
Why not?
349
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,560
Because I can't risk it.
350
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,280
There's an accountant
out there somewhere
351
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,460
measuring the value of everything I do.
352
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:05,000
What if I relax and do
something that loses me
353
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,890
just enough points to keep
me out of the Good Place
354
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,890
and I'm tortured for eternity?
355
00:14:10,930 --> 00:14:13,340
No, I have to make every moment count.
356
00:14:13,380 --> 00:14:16,500
It's the only rational way to live.
357
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,239
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
going to walk to Edmonton
358
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:22,160
to give $85 to a snail charity.
359
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:26,860
Why don't you just take us to
the Bad Place already, dude?
360
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,290
Because I want to see the
look on Michael's face
361
00:14:28,310 --> 00:14:29,750
when he realizes he failed.
362
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:31,820
I love seeing the look
on people's faces.
363
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,280
It's the best part of my job.
364
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,700
Dude, Michael's not coming here.
365
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:36,859
Face it, man.
366
00:14:36,860 --> 00:14:38,219
You are outmatched,
367
00:14:38,220 --> 00:14:39,479
because Michael and Janet
368
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,460
are brilliant and savvy and
they've been ten steps
369
00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:44,280
ahead of you this whole time.
370
00:14:44,490 --> 00:14:46,399
We can sit here as long as you want.
371
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,620
But you will never, ever, ever,
372
00:14:49,670 --> 00:14:52,140
see Michael or Janet aga...
373
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,740
Yikes, that was rough. Total bust.
374
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:57,700
Ah, Doug is a complete disaster.
375
00:14:57,780 --> 00:15:00,480
And I drank his piss.
376
00:15:00,610 --> 00:15:02,260
Hello, Michael.
377
00:15:03,950 --> 00:15:06,120
See? See the look on his face?
378
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,460
So great.
379
00:15:08,940 --> 00:15:12,039
Hello, Sean. Other demons.
380
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,390
What are y'all doing down here?
381
00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:15,350
What do you think we're
doing, you hemorrhoid?
382
00:15:15,390 --> 00:15:17,260
We're ending this charade
once and for all.
383
00:15:17,340 --> 00:15:18,579
These four humans are
384
00:15:18,580 --> 00:15:20,289
the legal property of the Bad Place.
385
00:15:20,290 --> 00:15:21,306
That's where we're taking them.
386
00:15:21,330 --> 00:15:22,560
[MYSTICAL WHOOSHING]
387
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:24,160
And you.
388
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,800
If you want them, you're
gonna have to go through me.
389
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,200
That's the idea.
390
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:30,200
Well, it's a bad idea.
391
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,170
Oh, Michael. When will you ever...
392
00:15:32,210 --> 00:15:34,260
Screw this. Let's fight!
393
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,620
[BLOWS LANDING]
394
00:15:38,410 --> 00:15:39,760
Get somewhere safe, you guys.
395
00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:42,350
Bad news.
396
00:15:42,380 --> 00:15:44,560
I've been going to the gym, a lot.
397
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,040
Oh, no.
398
00:15:47,860 --> 00:15:49,020
What is happening?
399
00:15:49,060 --> 00:15:51,380
Let him go!
400
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:52,680
Let him go!
401
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,960
[GRUNTING]
402
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,330
Let him go!
403
00:15:59,370 --> 00:16:01,520
Twelve years of fencing. En garde.
404
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,720
Obviously, I'd never do
that in a competition.
405
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,420
That would be a three-tenths deduction.
406
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,840
No, no, watch out. Watch out.
407
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:20,080
[PORTAL HUMMING]
408
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,560
I've never marbleized a Janet before.
409
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,140
[BALL CLACKS]
410
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:25,959
Jacksonville style, baby.
411
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,200
Two thousand points!
412
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:28,419
Thanks, Jason.
413
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,440
[GRUNTING]
414
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,340
Janet. Door.
415
00:16:33,020 --> 00:16:35,870
[WHOOSHING]
416
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:38,970
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
417
00:16:39,010 --> 00:16:45,740
♪ ♪
418
00:16:46,780 --> 00:16:50,600
[BOTH GRUNTING]
419
00:16:56,780 --> 00:16:58,020
[GIGGLES]
420
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,240
Three hundred points... best score ever!
421
00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:05,740
- [PORTAL HUMMING]
- [SCREAMS]
422
00:17:05,820 --> 00:17:08,300
Is it just me or is Janet a
straight-up hottie right now?
423
00:17:08,340 --> 00:17:09,340
How are you this close
424
00:17:09,350 --> 00:17:11,370
to being dragged to
Hell and still horny?
425
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:12,970
I don't know.
426
00:17:13,010 --> 00:17:14,530
And how did you know they were demons?
427
00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:16,780
I can't tell you that now!
428
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,440
Screw it. What am I waiting for?
429
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,440
We could die in the next 30 seconds.
430
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,439
So, Michael showed me a memory
431
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,200
of our time in the Good Place
432
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:27,920
and you and I were, like, a thing.
433
00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:29,840
- And...
- Gotcha!
434
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,620
Not like a casual, "Hey,
I found two loose pills
435
00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:33,630
"in the bottom of my tote,
436
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,380
let's pop 'em and see
what's good," kinda thing.
437
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,079
We were in love,
438
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,240
and there's a real possibility
439
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,240
that I'm in love with you again.
440
00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:44,200
Here. On this plane of existence.
441
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:46,179
Today. Now.
442
00:17:46,180 --> 00:17:50,240
In Canada during this brawl with demons.
443
00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:55,149
Let's get her to the door.
444
00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:57,260
[PORTAL WHOOSHING]
445
00:17:58,050 --> 00:18:00,150
No! No!
446
00:18:01,390 --> 00:18:02,619
Oh, cool.
447
00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:03,880
When I'm even partway through the door
448
00:18:03,890 --> 00:18:06,020
to the afterlife, my powers come back.
449
00:18:06,060 --> 00:18:07,200
They do?
450
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,820
[SCREAMS]
451
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,440
They do. Thanks for asking.
452
00:18:13,580 --> 00:18:15,170
[SCREAMS]
453
00:18:17,270 --> 00:18:19,080
You're coming with me.
454
00:18:20,580 --> 00:18:22,070
Hi, there.
455
00:18:22,110 --> 00:18:23,440
[SCREAMS]
456
00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:25,440
[GASPS]
457
00:18:35,980 --> 00:18:38,290
- We did it!
- It was, um...
458
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,800
Well, no, yeah, no. Of course...
459
00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:41,020
of course Janet did it.
460
00:18:41,030 --> 00:18:43,180
Yes, but I had the, uh...
461
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,300
Thank you, Janet.
462
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,500
How did you get down here?
463
00:18:49,530 --> 00:18:51,720
We have the only key
to the door to Earth.
464
00:18:51,780 --> 00:18:54,360
- We built our own door.
- That's impossible.
465
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,040
[MOCKING] That's impossible.
466
00:18:56,070 --> 00:18:57,500
Ugh, you're such a dweeb.
467
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,999
Why can't you leave us alone?
468
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,470
You don't have enough nostrils
469
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,840
to stuff with wasps?
470
00:19:01,860 --> 00:19:03,740
I don't want just any wasp nostrils...
471
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,030
I want these wasp nostrils.
472
00:19:06,060 --> 00:19:07,860
You're just delaying the
inevitable, Michael.
473
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,380
The Bad Place is going to
get all of them eventually.
474
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,820
These four, their loved ones,
475
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:15,710
even your precious pee-pee
king, Doug Forcett.
476
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:17,310
Now, why would you think that?
477
00:19:17,340 --> 00:19:18,840
Just a hunch.
478
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:21,650
And do you know what else
I had a hunch about?
479
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,619
- No.
- [MYSTICAL WHOOSHING]
480
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,020
[WHOOSHING]
481
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:28,020
I mean, why let the guy keep
saying mean stuff, right?
482
00:19:28,050 --> 00:19:30,270
I thought Doug Forcett was the blueprint
483
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:31,600
for leading a good life?
484
00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:32,870
He seems pretty confident
485
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,960
that Doug is heading to the Bad Place.
486
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,119
For a while now,
487
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:40,600
I have felt like there
was something wrong
488
00:19:40,620 --> 00:19:43,730
with how the point system
was evaluating humans.
489
00:19:43,770 --> 00:19:46,640
At first I thought it was
that the system didn't allow
490
00:19:46,670 --> 00:19:48,910
for the possibility that
people could improve.
491
00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:50,579
That's why I convinced the Judge
492
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:52,340
to send you back to Earth
493
00:19:52,380 --> 00:19:54,580
so you could confront the
ways you were living.
494
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:58,050
But now I'm worried that the
problems with the system
495
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,750
might be much more serious.
496
00:20:00,790 --> 00:20:03,890
We need to gather some real evidence.
497
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:07,240
Uh, sorry, no, no Michael.
You're confused.
498
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:09,940
Evidence isn't a good
thing that you want.
499
00:20:09,980 --> 00:20:13,199
It's a bad thing that
you have to destroy
500
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,460
or you go to jail.
501
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,000
Jason, quick, I need that coaster
502
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,280
over there behind the pillar.
503
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:20,560
You got it, boss.
504
00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:23,840
I just needed a 30 second break.
505
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,440
- Yeah.
- What sort of evidence
506
00:20:25,460 --> 00:20:26,670
is this and how do we get it?
507
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,070
Janet and I have to go
right to the source
508
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,600
of the points themselves...
the Accountant's office.
509
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:32,979
The four of you stay here
510
00:20:32,980 --> 00:20:35,280
at Doug Forcett's house
until I get back.
511
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,280
You're gonna need to feed all
the dogs and the wolves,
512
00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:40,180
and if a teenager shows up
513
00:20:40,190 --> 00:20:41,899
on a dirt bike just do as he says.
514
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,299
He's very scary.
515
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:44,539
Michael, Michael, Michael.
516
00:20:44,540 --> 00:20:45,819
[PANTING]
517
00:20:45,820 --> 00:20:47,419
I forgot what you asked me to get.
518
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,280
That's okay, bud. Thanks anyway.
519
00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:51,099
Look, we won't be long and
520
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:52,319
you guys should be safe here.
521
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,380
Actually, scratch that.
We're all screwed
522
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,430
because a bunch more
demons just showed up.
523
00:20:57,460 --> 00:20:59,380
There's too many of them. What do we do?
524
00:20:59,420 --> 00:21:00,700
I have an idea.
525
00:21:00,730 --> 00:21:02,900
I think I can take you into my void.
526
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,610
Cool. That sounds fun.
Let's go into a void.
527
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:06,730
Okay, let's go.
528
00:21:06,770 --> 00:21:08,880
But, just to be clear... I
don't know if you'll survive
529
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,079
in my void, but either way,
530
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,900
all of you will definitely die on Earth
531
00:21:11,910 --> 00:21:13,636
when I do this, so look
around and say goodbye.
532
00:21:13,660 --> 00:21:14,710
Goodbye, Earth.
533
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:16,360
Wait, did you just say we're gonna di...
533
00:21:17,305 --> 00:21:23,694
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