Original subtitles

I don't get it, what keeps happening to the print ink cartridges?

- Have you guys been stealing ink? - Yeah, mom.

You know us kids, we just can't resist that sweet, sweet ink.

There's a spare cartridge in the home office.

- We have a home office? - No, that's just what mom and dad

call the room where they keep all the crap they haven't unpacked yet.

One day it is gonna be a home office.

Your father and I are gonna have a big desk with two computers

and I'll write a column for the local newspaper,

called Debbie Do I.

Dear Debbie Do I,

my mother has retreated into a fantasy world

of non existent home offices.

What do I do?

- Alright. - Ah!

Hurry family, to the home office.

Oh my god, Marty!

What happened? Where did all this water come from?

I think a pipe burst.

Alright. It is man versus mold in this room.

Max, Abby, you're on hauling duty.

Oh, I'm supposed to go to Jack's for a sleep over.

- And I just need some me time. - Yeah. Bye

- Let me grab all my stuff. - Oh, thank you baby, that's a big help.

- Thank you. - This is all my stuff.

- We've made some mistakes along the way. - Yeah.

We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey

We took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee

then the humans moved next door

started testing all our limits

so sit right down, enjoy the show

we'll be done in 30 minutes

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

Scoot over, lollipop.

I need to print out my daily batch of r?sum?s.

"Bird-Kersee family fun day"?

What's this drivel you're wasting our ink on?

First of all, you know very well

that you stole that ink from the Weavers.

Second, these are the itineraries

for the special day I have planned for my parents.

I'm going to show them my favorite places on earth,

ending with the hidden hills mall parking lot,

- where we - Wait. You're taking them to our parking lot?

Is nothing sacred?

Do what you want, but leave me out of it.

And don't expect me to pick up the pieces

when your hippie, do-gooder parents desert you

for whatever their next crazy cause of the week is.

"Nice seeing you, daughter.

"We have to abandon you now

to help a martian with a boo-boo."

Spot-on impression, son-in-law.

He's obviously had a lot of free time to work on it.

So, how is the job hunting going?

Today, I'm applying to be V.P. of marketing at Goldman Sachs,

CFO at Morgan Stanley,

head chef at Mario Batali's new restaurant.

Seems as if you're aiming a little high,

considering you're a trust-fund baby

with zero work experience on this planet.

I think an entry-level job would be good for you.

Make you feel less entitled, like one of the people.

"The people"? Gross.

I am a supreme leader with a grace and intellect

and that certain "X" factor

that separates the Alec Baldwins from the Stephen Baldwins.

Have you had any responses to your applications?

Define "any." One.

Well, given your stringent definition, no.

But who says you need to wait for an invitation

to get a job interview?

Everyone.

All right, you condescending boho devils,

the next time I walk through that door,

I shall have a job.

Darling, he's still wearing his bathrobe.

Just give him a moment.

Ooh!

Doesn't count.

I didn't come through the door.

I'm here to become your new creative director.

So, I'm looking for eight figures.

And I'll be direct... I want them all to be a seven.

Describe myself in three words?

Not good at counting.

I have a passion for fashion and a passion for magazines.

Um, I do have one question.

Is it pronounced "vo-gay" or "vo-gooey"?

My greatest weakness? Romantic comedies.

Did you just hit a panic button?

You did! I saw you!

"And that is why I do not think"

J.D. Salinger's latest novel, 'The Catcher in the Rye, '

"is going to resonate with young readers."

What are you doing?

Just looking through some lame middle-school stuff.

I'm probably gonna throw it all away.

Oh, my God.

This is the candy I bought

when I snuck into my first R-rated movie.

We sat next to some random old guy.

And when the usher passed by,

I was like, "dad, pass the popcorn."

It was totally awesome.

And then afterwards, he asked for my number,

- which was less awesome. - I cannot believe you saw a movie

that the motion picture association of America did not approve for you!

These are from my first concert.

We had to sneak in under the fence

to get into the V.I.P. area.

Wow!

You have so many cool stories from before we met.

Mnh!

One time, I dressed up

like a carton of eggs for Halloween...

I know. It was a month ago. I was there.

Oh, my God.

Okay, so, a few years ago,

my friend and I snuck into Hugh Jackman's trailer

on the set of that fighting-robot movie.

Oh!

What a nice guy.

Crazy cool.

So, I have arranged all my favorite places

by geographical location

- and allotted one half-hour per activity. - Oh!

The last few pages are blank for scrapbooking!

Ooh! Can the butkus get in on your day of fun?

Oh, darling, I'm just not sure you can keep up.

Puh-lease, girl. Let me just put on my kicks.

The baby rabbit goes through the tunnel

and over the log and... no!

Over the fence and through the log and under the tunnel.

No!

The baby rabbit goes around the log...

Have a great day.

I'll just get my coat.

Let's do a selfie.

Grandson, your hair looks a little less proud than usual.

- Is something wrong? - The Weavers had a flood,

and they made me realize I've got no cool stories.

But I'm gonna come up with one if it kills me.

Dick, sidekick me.

Ohh!

Thank you. Now come help me.

Did he just say the Weavers had a flood?

Yes, he did.

Perhaps we should go check on them.

- They may need our help. - Yes!

I'm ready!

Where are they?

Maybe it's good that this happened, you know?

Help us get the home office on its feet.

Oh, totally.

There's a mouse!

Oh! It's a dead mouse floating over there.

- Power through. Power through! - All right.

Hey! This is my old little-league mitt!

I remember the day my dad gave me this.

He said, "here you go, moron.

"Maybe this glove will help your game, because right now,

"I can't tell if you're playing the outfield

or coming out of the closet."

Mm. Yeah, he's sweet.

Hello, hello! Is everybody okay in here?

Oh, hey, guys. Yeah, we're fine. We're fine.

Don't try to talk us out of it.

We're here to help. Floods are kind of our thing.

Let me guess... job interview.

One of many.

Me, too.

These companies are incapable of realizing

how much I have to offer.

Tell me about it!

I went to junior college for four years,

and these H.R. reps keep being like,

"want to work in the mailroom?"

No, dream killer, I don't.

I'm done applying for lame jobs.

I'm not a "work your way up" kind of guy.

- I'm a Zuckerberg. - Oh, me, too, but in the body of a Winklevoss.

No need to state the obvi.

I'm Raffi.

Larry.

You should come hang out

with me and my buddies at the coffee shop.

They have the best fair-trade Guatemalan cold brew.

You insky?

Got to be honest.

I'm only getting maybe one out of every three words,

but, Raffi, I am so insky.

Larry, this is my crew.

Boom! Bam!

Zip.

And this is where we work.

You make coffee?

Make coffee? No. Blog about coffee? Soon.

You know a good web designer?

You mean you just stay here all day,

working on your own stuff, looking effortlessly cool?

Eh, pretty much.

My people.

Larry bird, like the basketball player.

Mol?, like the sauce.

I didn't mind

This is my photo blog.

I write haikus on band-aids,

then I put them on my body and photograph myself.

I promise

So, I can work on anything,

even if it's stupid like mol?'s thing?

Of course

Holy mol?!

That's what I should have named my blog.

All right, hold the door.

Okay, guys, we rented a wet vac.

What's going on, guys?

Well, we came up with a rudimentary organizational system

based on what we used to help the victims

of the lava Tsunami on Jupiter.

And, Debbie, I found this picture of you and Marty.

- And you're in a white dress. - Oh, yes.

Oh, that's our wedding.

My mom thought the dress was a bit too much

and the hairdo made me seem desperate.

You look perfect!

- I do? - Hey, and check out that stud you're marrying.

Oh, well... I don't know what happened to you!

I know. I know. My dad says once I hit 30

that I lost what little looks I had, so...

Well, I was gonna say you've only gotten handsomer.

What? Deb, what's happening?

Well, I think this is what it's like

when you have good parents, or at least ones that are sober.

There you are. I've been looking all over.

If we leave now,

we can go through the car wash before it closes.

It's like being born.

Oh.

Uh, sweetheart, I don't think we're gonna be able

to tour your favorite places on earth today.

- You see, the Weavers had a flood. - They need us.

Maybe we could do your day tomorrow, hmm?

Of course. What's another day?

And maybe if I pitch in,

we can finish up in time to do a few of the things on my list.

Yes!

Oh, oh, my fourth-grade report card!

Could you look at all the a's and say something

besides "don't tell boys you're smart"?

Now, do you want the safe option or the risky option?

The prank call didn't become

a crazy-story staple by playing it safe.

Risky me.

- Hello? - Hello, ma'am?

- Do you have a daughter? - Yes.

Well, she's been in a horrible car accident.

Uh, no, never mind.

- No, no. No, no, she's hasn't. - What are you talking about?

I am so sorry.

Dick, what's wrong with you?

I'm a dark, little dude.

How's the sorting going out there?

Hello?

Mommy? Daddy?

Even more beautiful in person.

Really?

And seeing me in white, you're not thinking,

"who are you trying to fool, Deborah?"

I don't even know what that means, sweetheart.

You're the best mom.

Oh.

- Yeah! - Look at you.

Now, you know, I may have never seen

anybody throw a baseball before,

but if that wasn't perfect form, I don't know what is.

Well [Chuckles] Thank you, Mr. Joyner-Kersee.

Oh, come on, Marty.

Call me by my zabvronian name.

It's daddy.

Oh, well, you know what?

That would probably be a little bit weird

because here on earth, that means...

- great catch, Marty! - Thanks, daddy!

I can't believe you're doing this.

- It's got scandal written all over it. - I know.

But as Miley Cyrus taught me,

you don't get a good story by keeping your clothes on.

Let's do this!

Brother, don't!

I'm doing it.

I'm skinny dipping!

Turns out, this is not an "OMG" moment.

Cover up, tramp.

I've decided to work on a tumblr

about how to have the grace, intellect,

and "X" factor of a supreme leader.

Hmm.

"You're either born with an 'X' factor or you aren't,

so try to be born with it."

Ooh, that is epic!

Wait a minute.

What... what happened to my life-advice website?

Your trial period expired.

There's a new policy where you only get

an hour of wi-fi for every $5 purchase,

so time to muffin up, hombre.

Who do I talk to about this?

I am Larry Bird, CFO, president, and sole subscriber

of the website "supreme like me,"

as well as consulting producer of holymol?.Org.

And I deserve free wi-fi!

Look, I don't make the rules around here.

You buy a cup of coffee, I give you a slip.

Fine. You're going to force my hand.

Free Internet for everyone!

Come get your password!

Viva la wi-fi! Ha ha!

Here's a wi-fi password. No purchase necessary.

When you blog about me, blog well.

Wi-fi password.

What the hell's going on here?

Just free wi-fi utopia. Who are you?

- The owner. - Oh.

Uh, sorry about that, Alan.

Here. Put a round of lattes on my old man.

- That should cover the free Internet. - What?

You have a credit card from your father?

Uh, yeah.

Most of us do. That's how we pay for stuff.

Oh, my God.

You're just a bunch of spoiled, rich kids

living off your parents!

No wonder you can't find jobs!

You lazy, self-entitled...

Trust-fund brats.

Harsh, man, I am only 34.

Listen, this is all my doing.

I've had a tough time lately. My in-laws have moved in.

I'm unemployed.

Winter's really drying out my hair.

Look, pal, you're not the only one

out there trying to make it.

It's tough out there for everyone, all right?

I got a high-schooler who can't seem to stay

under a thousand texts a month,

and I just dropped a half a grand

taking my littlest to the Justin Bieber concert.

But at least she caught his tank top, so priceless!

I, too, have expensive children.

If money can't buy you happiness, no one told my kids.

Well, yeah, that's what I'm talking about, you know?

That's why I got the new Internet policy.

In light of today's debacle,

I know this is a pretty long shot,

but do you have any openings here?

I'll do anything... whatever you need.

I'm ready to start at the bottom.

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

I'm going to do something worth telling you about,

even if it kills me!

And it might literally kill me, so I got to tell you right now

that you look slamming in that turtleneck.

I'm sorry for being so raunchy!

What do you mean, a story worth telling me?

I have nothing to tell you,

and I'm worried that you're gonna get bored of me!

Are you insane?

Reggie, every day,

you look at something I take for granted

like it's the coolest thing in the world.

And by the way, this right here, me talking you off a roof,

this counts as a crazy story.

Oh, thank you.

I'll be right down.

And you better watch yourself in that turtleneck,

because when I get down, I'm going to...hug you close.

Oh. What's this?

Oh, that's a gift certificate to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

My mom gave it to me because she missed my graduation.

She said that we were gonna have a big celebration lunch

the next day, just the two of us.

- Oh. - Well, let's just say I still have the certificate.

Oh. I'm sure there's a very good reason why she wasn't there.

There was a fire sale at a store called Boom Boom

that sold irregular tube tops.

Besides, I don't think

there's ever a good reason to ignore your child.

No.

Oh!

Husband!

- What's the matter? - We have to go.

We've let our helpfulness get in the way

of spending time with our daughter!

Oh, damn! This always happens!

You're leaving now, aren't you? Mm-hmm.

- But we need a ride. - Oh! I'll drive you.

Daddy, where did you go?!

No. It's okay, because his name is daddy, so it's not weird.

Thanks for the ride, Weavers.

Well, no. Thank you for all your help.

Yeah, and all that stuff we have that brought back bad memories?

Well, we now have good ones to go with them.

- Thank you. - Good night, guys.

- Good night. - Bye.

- Parentless again. - Well, at least we have our kids.

Do we? They abandoned us. Yeah, they did.

We had lousy parents, we became lousy parents,

and now we have lousy kids.

- Froyo? - Always.

Last stop... Hidden Hills mall parking lot.

You done cleaning up the Weavers' flood?

No, we just realized there was someplace more important

that we needed to be.

We're so sorry, Jackie.

It's just that when you have

the world's most capable daughter,

it's easy to forget that she needs you, too.

Well, she does.

So...Tell me, why is this parking lot

one of your most favorite places on earth?

It's not the parking lot.

It's that four-way intersection.

Oh!

Oh, oh, this will not end well.

Oh!

Now I've seen everything!

You think a setup like that

would end in constant catastrophe.

old friend

But somehow, everyone figures out how to coexist.

I tried hard to understand

Humans get a bad rap sometimes.

But I've found that more often than not,

they manage to look out for one another...

I'm headed back

And come through for each other

when you least expect it.

'cause your heart could use a hand

And maybe all those things I just said

don't totally apply to intersections.

But that is why this is one of my favorite places on earth.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

I can see why you love it here.

It's my pleasure.

You're leaving again, aren't you?

There's a tribe on a neighboring moon

that's suffering a terrible famine.

And your father has such a way with irrigation.

No, of course. I understand.

For the scrapbook.

I'm home!

And this trust-fund brat of a son-in-law

just got himself an entry-level jo... oh.

You said you didn't want to be here

to pick up the pieces, so you can just go.

Oh, my darling, don't you know?

Picking up your pieces is the only job I'd do for free.

How was the four-way intersection?

Not the same without me, right?

Not at all.

Really slow day.

You're lying.

What did I miss?

All right, fine.

There were four cars at once.

The ultimate right-of-way challenge.

Hot damn!

Paint the scene for me. It was a little bit windy.

'Cause your heart could use a hand s. U.V.S, sedans, what are we talking?

- Great catch, tiger. - Thanks, Debbie.

You look radiant, by the way.

You look like the kind of girl

a man would want to spend a life with.

Oh.

And you have the arm of a professional ballplayer.

- It's not the same. - Nope.

- Froyo? - Yeah. Always.

sync and corrections by bellows www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0