Original subtitles

Hey, mom,

love the jacket.

Your late 20s are really treating you well.

And, George Clooney...

What did you do with my dad?

- (Marty and Debbie) What do you want? - Right. Thanks.

So I was wondering if I could go to a lecture

on cultural studies, sometimes referred to as a Jay-Z concert.

When? Night before Friday.

- So Thursday. - You could look at it that way, sure.

- Yeah, not on a school night. - Look, I already turned in all my homework,

Megan's dad is driving, and I'm gonna ask Reggie,

because he's responsible and Asian.

Amber, no.

I don't like your jacket. It looks fat.

Whoa! Slow down there, tiger.

- Eat me! - Mm! She's a charmer, that one.

(Chuckles) (Gasps)

George clooney!

What did you do with Debbie Weaver?

(Debbie and Marty) What do you want, Larry?

We want you to take us to a Broadway musical.

- We've heard wonderful things... - Yeah.

Rumors of singing and dancing and mormons and cats!

Yeah, sorry, guys. We stopped going to musicals

after our $600 family nap at "phantom of the opera."

Besides, whatever you want to see,

Hugh Jackman will eventually turn into a movie.

Fine. We'll just go on our own.

Okay, we know you guys are anxious to experience everything,

but think of all the things that have happened so far...

- Larry almost falling down that well... - Oh...

That Tuesday Jackie spent in the revolving door.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, guys, I don't think you're ready to experience the big stuff without us yet.

- But... - It's not open for discussion.

You never let us do anything.

Your jacket looks fat.

(Clicks tongue)

(Crickets chirping)

(Lowered voice) What are you doing out here, o dark one?

(Lowered voice) Jay-Z concert tomorrow.

I'm sneaking out to pick up tickets.

Ohh, badass!

- (Lowered voice) We're sneaking out, too. - I'm impressed.

We're going to see "Annie." I'm no longer impressed.

It's about a tiny Ginger

who falls in love with a bald man called "tomorrow."

All right, let's make this quick.

I don't rat you out, you won't rat me out. Deal?

- Deal. - All right.

We're really doing this, aren't we, husband?

Yes, wife, we really are.

(Breath quavers)

Let's walk over to New York City.

S01E20 Sing Like a Larry Bird

synced and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi

- Good morning - (Marty) Ahh!

Good morning

Morning. You guys are in a good mood.

Of course we are, Debbie Weaver.

Hidden hills is alive with the sound of musicals!

Oh, isn't it glorious? I can hear it everywhere...

The birds, the bees, the people, the trees

(Both snapping fingers)

(Larry and Jackie)

The birds, the bees the people, the trees

All right, okay. What's going on, guys?

- We can't say. - We went to see a musical.

- When?! - What?! We told you not to!

She snuck out, too.

- You snuck out? - Oh, come on, man! So uncool!

I can't believe you, Amber.

I'm really sorry, but you were being kind of unreasonable about the concert,

so I just thought that...

Okay, you know what? Enough with the excuses.

You are grounded. Go to your room and stay there.

Yeah. You're in big trouble, young lady.

Eee! (Shudders)

(Sighs)

Guys, what if something happened to you?

Oh... please.

Oh, the city was so pretty!

Ah, the lights were so bright!

Although New York was further than we thought,

and people could be very rude as we were walking through the tunnel of Lincoln.

You walked to a musical in New York City?

Do you know what could have happened if you would have got discovered

or run over?

Do you want the scientists in the white coats

to come and take over the community? I showed you "E.T.," didn't I?

Yes, you did, and it scared us, okay?

Now let's move on.

Okay, well, we are just trying to keep you safe.

Oh, right, I forgot. We need your help for everything.

Wife, let's go.

That is, if we can figure out how to get out of here

with the weavers' help. Ha!

(Door closes)

That's the pantry.

Mm.

Borrowing this O.J.

That's Mayo!

- Yeah, they don't need us. - No.

(Whirring)

(Rock music playing)

(Cell phone beeps) (Buttons clicking)

Hey!

You're grounded.

No computer. (Music stops)

No texting.

All right, you know what? I'm sorry I snuck out,

but, honestly, you have to admit,

it's been a little shawshanky around here.

I'm a good kid, mom.

I never do anything wrong.

I wanted to go to one concert.

You could do a lot worse for a daughter.

(Cell phone chimes, buttons resume clicking)

No, no texting. Grounded.

You are so...

Lame. (Mouths words)

(Larry) Overprotective...

Stifling.

Hmm. Their musicals are clearly the best thing their planet has to offer.

Just think about the other amazing things they could be holding us back from.

If only there was a way of making them

really hear us.

A way of expressing our desire...

(Up-tempo music starts) To experience new and exciting things.

Ideally, things would rhyme.

(Music stops, switch clicks) (Gasps)

I've been waiting to use this thing.

Megan, I think we've done all the analysis we can do for a 3-letter text.

When he said "hey," I think he might have meant "hey."

Whoa! Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Did you get your telephone from my bedroom?

- You are grounded! - Hold on.

You know, I thought about it,

and I just decided no.

I'm not grounded.

What did you just say?

What did she just say?

Max, Abby, go to your rooms.

No, actually, don't.

You see, something occurred to me as I sat in my room...

Unplugged.

Parents don't have any real power.

They can ground us, yes.

But what if we say no?

Can we do that?

(Lowered voice) Don't talk. Don't breathe.

Let this play out.

So, anyway, Megan, uh, I think a good response

to "hey" might just be "hey."

(Door closes) (Gasps)

- Did she just... - Uh-huh.

- But I thought that we... - Yeah.

- So then how could she... - I don't know.

Dominique, do you think that was good?

- Actually, I kinda do think... - It wasn't. It was terrible.

I'm sorry. Singing isn't your thing.

- Yeah! - (Sighs) I'm sorry, Billie Jean King.

It was a little bit cruise ship karaoke for me.

I'm gonna do an original song.

- Oh... - No, not another.

I hate it when they do that.

I've been writing this for my girlfriend Giselle.

(Groans)

Giselle

(strumming)

You're so swell

(strumming)

You're a 16th the size of Adele

(Pressing buttons)

Amber, listen to me. You are grounded.

I reject your grounding, Marty.

What kind of example are you setting for your brother and your sister?

A pretty fun one, by the looks of it.

(Hisses) What are you doing?

What I should have been doing a long time ago.

Mmm! Mmm!

(Bell dings) Abby!

Oh, hey, Debbie.

Fix me up a sandwich, would ya?

Easy on the Mayo for once.

Should have let me go to that concert.

Oh, my God. This is it. It's a coup.

- We do we do? - What do we do? We ignore them.

Give them 24 hours with nothing to rebel against.

They'll lose steam.

(Hissing)

(Muffled laugh) Yeah!

(Sighs)

(Laughs) All right, husband, are you ready for our first rehearsal?

Am I ever.

Up until today, I've always been a Larry bird.

But today, I'm a Larry song bird.

(Laughs and breathes deeply) Deep breaths.

Don't get pitchy. (Inhales)

(Slow theatrical music playing)

There's so much out there we should know

And yet you never let us go

if we could do things

Big spanking new things

(both) Life would be big, bold, and bright

as a Broadway show

(song tempo increases, brooms whooshing)

I want to get a circumcision

I want to hitchhike to L.A.

Drinking in dive bars? I'd give it five stars

More or less like what you'd probably see on Broadway

I want to use a public restroom

And try all 50 shades of grey

Roughing some bums up

That's two big thumbs up

Similar to the kind of thing you might see on Broadway

I want to do a tap-dance at the local D.M.V.

I want to give a lap dance to a Starbucks employee

(All) What about getting a new tattoo

or possibly two or three?

I want to smack the entire cast of "glee"

So do we

Also me

I want to learn to use a chain saw

I want to do a dream ballet

(all) Should you ignore us, we'll add a chorus

Everyone form a kick line, what do you say?

Hooray, hooray, hooray

Life could be as wonderful

magical

adjective

swell

as something you may or may not possibly see

on Broadway

Please let us go and try new things today

Sing out, Dick Butkus

Make our lives as fabulous

as Broadway

Broadway

Broadway

Broadway

(High-pitched shriek)

(Music stops)

Oh, no.

- Dick fell in the well. - Ooh.

Coming through, coming through.

(Panting)

Tie it 'round your waist, son! We'll pull you right up!

No, don't do it, dick. It'll tear right through you!

What are you trying to do, split him in half?

He's tender like veal. (Sighs)

Maybe we should just call the weavers and ask for help.

I know. Let's call the police.

Oh, honey, they split up in the '80s.

Now sting's off doing his own thing...

No. No. No, police officers.

They'll come, rescue Dick, and we'll be back home

before the weavers can say "I told you so."

- Oh. - Who has a phone?

(Murmuring) (Phone whooshes)

Oh. Thank you, son.

(Dick) Keep it short! Those are pre-paid minutes!

How's it hangin', folks?

(Sighs) Hey, Debbie, where's your copy of "Magic Mike"?

You're not watching "Magic Mike."

Fine. I'll illegally download it from the Internet.

(Bell dings) I'm having a hard time ignoring this, Deb.

Yeah, we need to put a stop to this. Where is she?

So what are you doing now?

I'm trying to write this song.

Okay, well, why don't you stop trying to do that

and come with me to the Jay-Z concert?

Jay-Z?

I love me some Jay-Z!

- So are you in? - I'd love to, but

I can't figure out this love song for Giselle.

- Just... I can't finish it. - Huh.

Maybe you have writer's block.

Or maybe Giselle is just too boring to write about.

(Sighs) So meet me in the park.

We'll walk to Megan's house from there.

- Be there at 7:00. - Okay. (Phone beeps)

(Phone beeps)

Amber, we need to talk. (Sighs)

But first, what happened to the rug in the hallway?

Threw it away. Never liked that thing.

(Sirens wailing in distance) Are those sirens?

What is going on?

(Sirens continue wailing)

Oh, boy.

Amber, watch your brother and sister.

- I'm not gonna do that. - Amber, enough!

Fine.

Hey. I'm making Martinis. You in? (Rattling)

(Police radio chatter)

Jackie, what is going on? Is everything okay?

Oh, yes. Everything is perfectly fine.

We were doing a musical number, and Dick fell in the well.

What?! Dick, are you okay?!

I'm well. Get it?

- Stop that, Dick! - It's not punny!

Larry, you called the police? (Police radio chatter)

- I did. - All by himself.

Well, how are you gonna answer their questions?

You have no documentation, very silly names.

All of you are dressed alike.

You have that spaceship in your garage.

Larry, you want this to end up like "E.T."? Huh?

Bubble over your house, you lying naked and trapped in some drainage ditch?

- Is that how it ended? - No.

- I never saw the end! - It's okay.

- You didn't tell me that. - It's not how it ended.

(Horn honks)

Oh, great, here we go. (Van door slides open)

I got eyes on the well! (Panting)

Are you the boy's father?

Um...

Sir, please tell us your name.

(Shudders)

(Lowered voice) Larry Bird.

And your son's name in the well?

Dick Butkus.

(Chuckles nervously)

- Larry Bird and Dick Butkus? - Butkus.

(Pants) We chose those names because we...

we wanted to honor earth's finest physical specimens.

(Panting)

We don't have a spaceship in the garage.

This is "E.T." It's happening.

(Sighs) The whole thing is happening right now.

(Larry) Oh, my God. It is "E.T."

(Panting)

(Yelps)

(Crowd gasps) Ooh! (Thud)

Did you get that?

Okay.

This is so exciting.

A kid in a well.

If I had to do one more teeth-whitening segment,

I'd blow my brains out. (Closes compact)

Ooh, teeth-whitening. Wow!

Don't you think your viewers would like to hear about that

- instead of this silly old well story? - I've got this, Debbie Weaver.

I've watched plenty of your TV. I can handle the media.

Hi.

I'm Jackie Joyner-Kersee.

If you could tell the greater New Jersey area

one thing about your son, what would it be?

He does not have a tail.

Yeah, you know, he's just like any other 8-year-old kid.

I noticed all the people in this neighborhood dress the same.

Is this, like, some kind of commune or a cult? (Debbie laughs)

What?! It's...

It's not a commune.

(Laughs)

No!

(Continues laughing)

I lied. He does have a tail.

Oh, no.

(Guitar strumming ballad)

There's so much I'm feeling

More th m you can tell

So much going on beneath this

shell

I can't keep it hidden

I can feel it swell

Gotta let it ring out

like a

bell

Giselle

Giselle

I can't stop thinking about

(Stops strumming)

Amber

(man) All right, boys, the winch is almost ready.

What's going on up there?

It appears all is lost.

Why are you smiling, father?

Because this is the low point.

And if I've learned anything from musicals,

it's right after the lowest point,

everything turns around.

The main song is reprised,

but with a new, potentially opposite message

to the first song.

So let's pause briefly to recap

This world's a scary tourist trap

Shallow

Offensive

Much too expensive

In short, exactly the same

as that Broadway

crap

(clatters)

I think today we learned a lesson

I guess I've learned my lesson

Life's not some whimsical souffle

I guess I really fell

it's horrifying

and ends in crying

fell just like Dick Butkus in the well

not unlike those lies they try to sell you on Broadway

it's dumb and cheesy and depressing

Amber

It's just a badly plotted play

Oh, Amber

So, thank you, Weavers

Amber

We're now believers

Home is where we'll stay, far from the lights

And temptations

And the dangers

And the wells

(all) of Broadway

Hey

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, my God. I'm still in love with Amber.

I have to tell her.

I have to sing a song for her.

(Engine rumbling)

Excuse me. So that's it. You're just leaving, right?

Yeah. Once the kid's out of the well, story's over.

Well, what about the story?

Oh, yeah. My boss looked at it, and he hated it,

so I guess it's back to doing traffic.

And my boss. Hmm.

You know, I like her.

- No, you don't. - I don't like her.

No.

(Song ends)

(Sighs) So I guess we got in a little over our heads.

About 14 feet over, am I right?

(Chuckles) Good one, husband.

Oh, we pushed too far too fast.

Maybe we do need a little more guidance than we thought.

I know you'll be happy to hear that from now on,

we'll stay at home and live vicariously

through "3rd rock from the sun" reruns.

Well, we don't want that.

No, we want you to experience the world.

It's just that we worry about you.

You know, we want you to be safe as well as happy.

You guys, you're...

well, I guess you're like our E.T.

(Clicks tongue) Oh...

(Exhales)

Well, I suppose that would make you our elliott.

(Laughs) We'll take it.

I love that movie. I always wanted to be Elliott.

So, um... Elliott,

there's a monster truck rally this Sunday Sunday Sunday.

Will you take us?

(Imitating E.T.) Please?

- Yes, I'll take you. - Oh!

- Let's do this. - Okay.

- All right. - Good night.

- Good night. - (Marty) Sunday Sunday Sunday!

- Honey, you should come, though. - No, I'm not coming.

(Laughing) Guys, guys, guys, come on, stop!

It's been four hours of this.

Abby, are you wearing my makeup? I told you no.

Yeah, I know, but something occurred to us.

We can say no. You don't have any real power.

But I do.

Look.

There's an unspoken bargain between parent and child.

And if you are not going to live up to your end of the bargain,

then we don't have to, either.

(Exhales) So here's what goes... Christmas,

birthdays, help with homework,

vaccines, food,

the warmth of a mother,

the warmth of a heater in January.

All these things could potentially disappear,

or you could go back to following the rules

and have some semblance of your happy little lives.

Do you understand?

Can I get a "yes, ma'am"?

(Max and Abby) Yes, ma'am.

Okay, now go to your rooms and get ready for bed.

You're grounded. I'm gonna count to three.

One... (Panting)

(Lowered voice) I don't know what I would have done if I got to three.

Mmm.

And what about you?

Are we done here?

Yes.

For the record, I would just like to say

that I didn't go behind your back at first.

I did all my homework. I was going with a parent.

I do everything right, and you still don't trust me.

I guess it is a little shawshanky around here.

Maybe we can loosen the reins a little.

Thank you.

I crossed a weird line today.

Turned the little ones into animals. (Simon Lynge) Give me love

take my phone. I'm grounding myself.

Give me love

I already grounded you.

and I'll bring it back to you

Whatever you need to tell yourself, Deb.

Give me love

Give me love

and I'll bring it back to you

(Gasps softly)

(Crickets chirping)

(Sighs)

(Male sportscaster speaking indistinctly on TV)

(Vibrating)

(Line ringing) It's Amber. Whatever.

(Tone beeps)

Hello, Amber. It's Reggie.

I don't know why you didn't come tonight, but...

Maybe you found someone else to go to the concert with.

I kind of wanted to talk to you.

But never mind. Maybe it's not that important.

Give me love

Give me love

and I'll bring it back to you

- Father? - Don't tell the weavers I'm back down here.

I don't know if this will work.

That fence is pretty high.

You can do it. You're an alien.

You just have to focus.

We're flying over that fence and across the moon.

Oh, what the hell. What's the worst that could happen?

Absolutely not!

But, mom, Dick says he can do this!

Okay, being grounded means no TV,

no video games, no flying with aliens.

(Sighs) Fine!

I can't believe you, Max.

Really?

(Crickets chirping)

(Lowered voice) Come on, Dick.

We can do this.

(Dramatic music playing)

Come on, Dick! You can do this! Whoo!

(Loud thud) Aah! (Sighs) Ohh!

That didn't work.

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