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1
00:00:02,311 --> 00:00:03,657
Get off of me.
2
00:00:03,677 --> 00:00:05,906
Get off me, Max!
Well, stop moving!
3
00:00:06,068 --> 00:00:08,324
Mom, what are we having
for dinner?
4
00:00:08,344 --> 00:00:10,097
Really? You want dinner?
5
00:00:10,234 --> 00:00:12,416
We just spent the last three
hours schlepping around town.
6
00:00:12,436 --> 00:00:13,868
Don't you wanna go inside,
go to bed?
7
00:00:13,888 --> 00:00:15,226
It's still daytime.
8
00:00:15,246 --> 00:00:18,042
Fine. I'll feed ya...
Again.
9
00:00:18,076 --> 00:00:19,209
Come on.
10
00:00:21,016 --> 00:00:22,227
Hey, hon.
Hey, babe.
11
00:00:22,247 --> 00:00:23,420
How was your day?
12
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,524
Aw, I spent half of it in the car
because Max's new karate place
13
00:00:26,544 --> 00:00:28,705
is 40 minutes away
from Abby's gymnastics.
14
00:00:28,725 --> 00:00:31,640
And Mrs. silverworth's
hip replacement surgery went really well,
15
00:00:31,660 --> 00:00:34,207
which means piano lessons
start up again tomorrow.
16
00:00:34,227 --> 00:00:36,868
I was really bankin' on that
thing not healing properly.
17
00:00:36,888 --> 00:00:37,726
Hey, parents.
18
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,910
I need $500,
no questions asked.
19
00:00:40,216 --> 00:00:40,817
For what?
20
00:00:40,837 --> 00:00:42,582
So much for
the no questions asked.
21
00:00:42,633 --> 00:00:44,517
- It's for driver's ed.
- Wait, what?
22
00:00:44,537 --> 00:00:46,452
I always thought that I would
teach you how to drive,
23
00:00:46,486 --> 00:00:48,738
'cause I'm the best driver.
24
00:00:48,772 --> 00:00:51,025
It's true. He is
the best driver that I know.
25
00:00:51,045 --> 00:00:52,667
He's cautious
without being too slow.
26
00:00:52,687 --> 00:00:54,189
His merges
are smooth as butter.
27
00:00:54,209 --> 00:00:55,470
This one time I looked up,
I'm like,
28
00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:56,733
"Marty, how'd we get
in this Lane?
29
00:00:56,753 --> 00:00:57,708
We were just
in the other Lane!"
30
00:00:57,728 --> 00:00:59,718
And we just merged.
31
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:05,049
I can't believe my baby girl
is old enough to drive.
32
00:01:05,069 --> 00:01:06,023
How can you
be old enough to drive?
33
00:01:06,043 --> 00:01:07,578
You're just, like,
a little chickadee.
34
00:01:07,598 --> 00:01:09,940
Since when do little chickadees
know how to drive?
35
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:12,733
Huh? Huh? Tell me.
Tell me how. Tell...
36
00:01:14,230 --> 00:01:15,313
Are you done?
37
00:01:15,347 --> 00:01:17,076
Yeah, I'm done now.
38
00:01:17,096 --> 00:01:19,115
Bold move.
39
00:01:19,135 --> 00:01:21,018
Thanks for inviting us
to the block party.
40
00:01:21,038 --> 00:01:22,896
Father, I want to learn
to drive.
41
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,463
A son does not learn
how to drive
42
00:01:24,483 --> 00:01:26,413
before his parents
learn how to drive.
43
00:01:26,433 --> 00:01:29,691
Well, then, maybe it's time
you finally learned how to drive, father.
44
00:01:30,251 --> 00:01:32,203
I drive a golf cart.
45
00:01:32,377 --> 00:01:35,740
Don't you worry about me.
I'm pretty fly for a white guy.
46
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,201
But a car, husband.
47
00:01:37,221 --> 00:01:38,793
Think of the possibilities...
48
00:01:38,813 --> 00:01:41,591
a vehicle with air conditioning,
seat belts, sides.
49
00:01:41,611 --> 00:01:43,046
Marty, will you
teach us to drive?
50
00:01:43,066 --> 00:01:43,978
I don't know, guys.
51
00:01:43,998 --> 00:01:45,757
Teaching someone to drive,
it takes a lot of...
52
00:01:45,777 --> 00:01:47,574
Honey, am I right?
It takes a lot of patience.
53
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,548
This thing doesn't
drive itself, you know!
54
00:01:53,078 --> 00:01:54,500
How'd he do that?
55
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:56,571
S01E19
I Believe I Can Drive
56
00:01:56,605 --> 00:01:59,607
synced and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
57
00:02:00,736 --> 00:02:02,992
- Okay, that's the gas pedal.
- Got it.
58
00:02:03,012 --> 00:02:04,260
That's the brake.
59
00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,225
- And this is the shifter.
- This is excruciating.
60
00:02:06,245 --> 00:02:08,731
We piloted a vessel that carried
us thousands of light-years.
61
00:02:08,751 --> 00:02:10,472
I think we can handle
a midsized sedan.
62
00:02:10,492 --> 00:02:11,591
Zip it.
63
00:02:11,611 --> 00:02:12,947
Okay, Jackie,
take us away.
64
00:02:14,173 --> 00:02:16,200
Listen to her purr.
65
00:02:17,008 --> 00:02:18,523
Pretty good.
66
00:02:18,543 --> 00:02:20,879
Whoa. Jackie,
this is amazing.
67
00:02:22,286 --> 00:02:23,547
You're a natural, Jackie.
68
00:02:23,567 --> 00:02:25,885
All right.
Enough hogging of the wheel.
69
00:02:25,905 --> 00:02:27,414
It's the big bird's turn.
70
00:02:27,434 --> 00:02:29,936
All right. Use the door, Larry.
Use the door.
71
00:02:30,297 --> 00:02:31,246
Sorry.
72
00:02:31,266 --> 00:02:32,788
All right, Larry.
Just like Jackie.
73
00:02:32,808 --> 00:02:34,691
Marty, I've got this,
okay?
74
00:02:34,711 --> 00:02:36,544
Okay. That's good...
75
00:02:40,836 --> 00:02:43,116
All right, that's okay.
Let's... We're gonna try it again.
76
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:45,218
This... you okay?
77
00:02:45,238 --> 00:02:47,481
This time, we're gonna be
a little more gentle.
78
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,204
- Aah.
- All right. You ready?
79
00:02:56,014 --> 00:02:57,344
This... this...
80
00:02:57,879 --> 00:03:00,903
- This is... this is too gentle.
- This isn't anything.
81
00:03:01,338 --> 00:03:02,375
A little more speed.
82
00:03:02,395 --> 00:03:03,880
There you go. That's it.
83
00:03:05,529 --> 00:03:07,648
Why did you... why did...
Why'd you stop?
84
00:03:07,668 --> 00:03:09,724
'Cause... I'm gonna hit it.
85
00:03:09,744 --> 00:03:12,061
- Hit... hit what?
- The car!
86
00:03:12,916 --> 00:03:15,984
- What... what car?
- The car!
87
00:03:16,323 --> 00:03:18,604
It's, like, 100 yards away.
You're not gonna hit that car.
88
00:03:18,624 --> 00:03:20,991
I am!
I'm gonna hit the car.
89
00:03:25,541 --> 00:03:26,984
I hate this!
90
00:03:29,135 --> 00:03:30,281
Hello, Debbie Weaver.
91
00:03:30,301 --> 00:03:32,196
We just finished
our lesson with Marty.
92
00:03:32,216 --> 00:03:33,439
Hey, how was it?
93
00:03:33,459 --> 00:03:34,857
- Wonderful.
- Don't want to talk about it!
94
00:03:34,877 --> 00:03:36,685
You'll get the hang of it.
95
00:03:36,705 --> 00:03:39,806
Don't be upset.
It was only a squirrel.
96
00:03:39,826 --> 00:03:42,243
Actually, it was a dog.
How are you?
97
00:03:42,629 --> 00:03:45,209
Okay, yeah.
Back doing the daily schlep.
98
00:03:45,229 --> 00:03:46,663
Although I'm changing
things up a bit.
99
00:03:46,683 --> 00:03:50,367
Piano first, karate last.
Also the name of my memoir.
100
00:03:50,836 --> 00:03:53,753
The Debbie Weaver story."
101
00:03:57,174 --> 00:03:58,385
So what are you up to?
102
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,188
I'll be here with Dick.
103
00:04:00,208 --> 00:04:02,359
He doesn't have
any after-school activities,
104
00:04:02,379 --> 00:04:04,933
so we just make the most of
our lazy afternoons together.
105
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:07,029
Jackie,
can I ask you something?
106
00:04:07,049 --> 00:04:10,367
What do you do every day,
all afternoon with Dick Butkus?
107
00:04:10,387 --> 00:04:12,257
Well, Dick's
always had an old soul...
108
00:04:12,277 --> 00:04:13,865
an old female soul.
109
00:04:13,885 --> 00:04:16,223
He's a perfect
afternoon companion.
110
00:04:16,661 --> 00:04:19,034
- He's a woman's best friend.
- It's true.
111
00:04:19,054 --> 00:04:20,775
I'm the Laverne
to her Shirley,
112
00:04:20,795 --> 00:04:23,276
the Gilmore Girl
to her other Gilmore Girl.
113
00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:24,184
Speaking of which?
114
00:04:24,204 --> 00:04:27,218
Season six is locked and loaded.
Subtitles are on.
115
00:04:27,238 --> 00:04:30,016
They speak so fast,
those gilmore girls.
116
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:32,173
We can't understand
a word they're saying.
117
00:04:32,208 --> 00:04:34,959
But they sure are charming.
Coming!
118
00:04:36,795 --> 00:04:38,379
Welcome to driver's ed.
119
00:04:38,399 --> 00:04:41,432
I love cars so much
that my nickname is Ms. Porsche.
120
00:04:41,450 --> 00:04:43,192
That's Porsche, like the car,
121
00:04:43,212 --> 00:04:45,286
not portia, like the lesbian.
122
00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:48,002
But let's be clear...
I am a lesbian,
123
00:04:48,022 --> 00:04:50,676
but my name
is spelled like the car.
124
00:04:50,696 --> 00:04:53,337
She's so cool.
She smells like leather.
125
00:04:53,357 --> 00:04:54,491
How does that
make her cool?
126
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:56,692
Okay. Big trouble,
you're up first.
127
00:04:56,712 --> 00:04:58,496
Little China, you're observing.
128
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:02,624
Key in ignition.
Foot on brake.
129
00:05:02,644 --> 00:05:05,981
Shift into drive.
Foot on gas.
130
00:05:06,578 --> 00:05:09,741
Key, brake, drive, gas...
"k-b-d-g."
131
00:05:09,761 --> 00:05:12,141
You can remember by
"kapow-bam-drive-go."
132
00:05:12,161 --> 00:05:14,604
- Wait. What?
- Kapow, bam, drive, go!
133
00:05:14,624 --> 00:05:15,842
- Start her up.
- How?
134
00:05:15,862 --> 00:05:18,889
I just told you.
Kapow, bam, drive, go!
135
00:05:18,909 --> 00:05:20,766
Okay. Okay. Sorry.
136
00:05:23,510 --> 00:05:25,753
You were in reverse, not drive.
137
00:05:25,773 --> 00:05:27,937
I said
"kapow, bam, drive, go,"
138
00:05:27,957 --> 00:05:31,165
- not "kapow, bam, rev, go."
- What?
139
00:05:32,185 --> 00:05:35,741
You are no Danica Patrick,
let me tell you, and I know.
140
00:05:36,189 --> 00:05:38,762
We met at
the "Talladega nights" premiere.
141
00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:41,560
Nothing happened.
142
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,477
Something happened.
143
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,260
Really?
144
00:05:46,944 --> 00:05:48,495
Yes.
145
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,474
Amber, I cannot wait for you
to get your license
146
00:05:53,494 --> 00:05:55,277
so you can help me out
with all this stuff.
147
00:05:55,297 --> 00:05:57,255
Yep. Any day now.
148
00:05:57,275 --> 00:05:59,917
God, I can't believe
my baby girl is driving.
149
00:05:59,937 --> 00:06:03,150
Do you remember when I taught
you how to ride a bike? Huh?
150
00:06:03,170 --> 00:06:05,040
You were so little,
and you were so scared.
151
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:06,321
She was so scared.
152
00:06:06,341 --> 00:06:07,925
And I balanced her
on the bike.
153
00:06:07,945 --> 00:06:10,223
And then I let her go, but she
didn't know I let her go.
154
00:06:10,472 --> 00:06:12,685
And then I started to cry.
155
00:06:13,108 --> 00:06:15,376
- Baby, please, let me teach you how to...
- Dad!
156
00:06:15,396 --> 00:06:18,124
I do not need your help.
Nobody needs your help.
157
00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:20,622
Wait. Amber, am I
supposed to follow you?
158
00:06:20,642 --> 00:06:21,960
Amber?
159
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:28,004
Well, Marty,
Debbie Weaver,
160
00:06:28,140 --> 00:06:30,170
we... are having
some wonderful weather...
161
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,986
- Reggie.
- Thank God.
162
00:06:34,764 --> 00:06:37,492
Wait. You've really never
done this before?
163
00:06:37,512 --> 00:06:39,010
You're very good.
164
00:06:41,445 --> 00:06:43,489
Will you stop screaming?
165
00:06:43,509 --> 00:06:45,168
What... what are you doing?
166
00:06:45,188 --> 00:06:46,996
Did I say "go forward"?
Sorry.
167
00:06:49,279 --> 00:06:50,872
No, no, no, no!
168
00:06:50,892 --> 00:06:52,543
Are you kidding me?
169
00:06:53,795 --> 00:06:55,463
I've never in my life.
170
00:06:58,811 --> 00:07:02,987
Wonderful. Wonder...
171
00:07:03,383 --> 00:07:05,973
Marvelous. Marvelous!
172
00:07:06,616 --> 00:07:07,890
I quit!
173
00:07:07,910 --> 00:07:08,959
You're failing.
174
00:07:08,979 --> 00:07:10,745
You passed.
175
00:07:14,174 --> 00:07:17,275
I have a driver's license.
I can't believe it!
176
00:07:17,295 --> 00:07:19,178
I feel so independent.
177
00:07:19,198 --> 00:07:21,441
I could drive all over town
all by myself.
178
00:07:21,461 --> 00:07:23,334
- You can, can't you?
- Yes.
179
00:07:23,354 --> 00:07:26,045
I just wish my husband would
give driving another chance.
180
00:07:26,065 --> 00:07:26,977
I'm sure he'll come around.
181
00:07:26,997 --> 00:07:29,278
You know, he's gotten much
better at not overreacting.
182
00:07:29,298 --> 00:07:30,832
When I say "down with,"
183
00:07:30,852 --> 00:07:32,433
you say "cars"!
184
00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:33,982
- Down with...
- Cars!
185
00:07:34,119 --> 00:07:35,902
- Down with...
- Cars!
186
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:37,805
Bad news, drivers.
187
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,670
Banning cars
from this neighborhood
188
00:07:39,690 --> 00:07:43,097
has just become the giant
political cause of my life.
189
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,385
That and fracking.
190
00:07:45,678 --> 00:07:46,696
Hey hey!
191
00:07:46,730 --> 00:07:47,561
Ho ho!
192
00:07:47,685 --> 00:07:49,642
Your filthy cars
have got to go!
193
00:07:49,662 --> 00:07:51,602
Hey hey! Ho ho!
194
00:07:51,622 --> 00:07:53,703
Your filthy cars
have got to go!
195
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,271
You're fast!
We're furious!
196
00:08:02,511 --> 00:08:06,188
You're fast! We're furious!
You're fast! We're furious!
197
00:08:06,208 --> 00:08:08,297
You're fast! We're furious!
198
00:08:09,230 --> 00:08:12,642
I refuse to give up driving.
I love it.
199
00:08:12,662 --> 00:08:15,380
The wind in my hair,
my tune blasting...
200
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:16,450
- Tune?
- Mm.
201
00:08:16,501 --> 00:08:19,742
I really only care for third eye blind,
"semi-charmed life."
202
00:08:19,762 --> 00:08:22,826
It's really the only perfect thing
to come out of this planet.
203
00:08:22,846 --> 00:08:24,742
That and "Free Willy."
204
00:08:26,794 --> 00:08:31,098
Jackie, since you're so excited
about your newfound freedom...
205
00:08:32,626 --> 00:08:34,342
- Never mind.
- Never mind what?
206
00:08:34,362 --> 00:08:36,605
No. No.
I'd miss it too much.
207
00:08:37,127 --> 00:08:38,433
You'd miss what too much?
208
00:08:38,453 --> 00:08:39,528
Well, I was going to say
209
00:08:39,548 --> 00:08:42,326
that maybe I would let you
drive Abby to gymnastics
210
00:08:42,346 --> 00:08:44,900
and after that,
drive Max to karate,
211
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,834
and then pick them both up
and take Max to his play date,
212
00:08:47,854 --> 00:08:50,282
and then take Abby
to her piano lesson,
213
00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:51,398
and then pick up Max
214
00:08:51,418 --> 00:08:53,512
and go get one of
those rotisserie chickens
215
00:08:53,532 --> 00:08:54,835
that they have
on special this week,
216
00:08:54,855 --> 00:08:56,505
the herbed lemon,
not the barbecue,
217
00:08:56,539 --> 00:08:58,457
and then pick up Abby
from piano,
218
00:08:58,491 --> 00:09:00,381
take them both home
with the chicken...
219
00:09:00,401 --> 00:09:02,261
herbed, not barbecue.
220
00:09:04,184 --> 00:09:07,136
Wait. So I'd...
Be lucky to do this?
221
00:09:07,156 --> 00:09:09,064
- So lucky.
- So lucky?
222
00:09:09,084 --> 00:09:12,676
Jackie, it's like
hitting the driving jackpot.
223
00:09:12,696 --> 00:09:16,258
You'd get to go through town,
like, nine times
224
00:09:16,278 --> 00:09:18,061
during rush hour,
225
00:09:18,081 --> 00:09:21,766
which is, like, the most popular
time of the day to drive.
226
00:09:21,786 --> 00:09:23,376
- Really, Deb? Really?
- Marty.
227
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:27,231
Ooh. I could listen
to "semi-charmed life"
228
00:09:27,251 --> 00:09:29,581
- 50 or 60 times.
- More.
229
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,870
Please,
let me do it?
230
00:09:31,890 --> 00:09:34,642
- Just this once?
- I'd miss it too much.
231
00:09:34,676 --> 00:09:35,328
- Please?
- No...
232
00:09:35,348 --> 00:09:36,099
- Please?
- I don't think...
233
00:09:36,119 --> 00:09:37,509
- Please?
- Mm...
234
00:09:37,529 --> 00:09:38,629
Please?
235
00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:40,145
Please, please, please,
please, please?
236
00:09:40,165 --> 00:09:41,222
Okay.
237
00:09:41,242 --> 00:09:42,869
But you owe me big-time.
238
00:09:42,889 --> 00:09:44,959
Big-time.
239
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,438
Are you disappointed
in me?
240
00:09:51,973 --> 00:09:54,010
No, I am incredibly turned on.
Is that weird?
241
00:09:54,030 --> 00:09:55,801
Yeah. But I get it.
242
00:09:58,084 --> 00:10:01,852
Excuse me.
Ms. Porsche?
243
00:10:02,623 --> 00:10:05,624
As you know, I've been having
some trouble with my driving.
244
00:10:07,402 --> 00:10:08,564
I don't know who you are.
245
00:10:08,584 --> 00:10:11,598
I'm Amber Weaver.
I'm in your driver's ed class.
246
00:10:11,618 --> 00:10:14,545
I'm Ms. Porsche.
Porsche, like the car.
247
00:10:14,565 --> 00:10:16,335
- Not like the les...
- We've done this.
248
00:10:16,355 --> 00:10:19,617
- But I am a lesbian.
- That's a great catchphrase.
249
00:10:19,637 --> 00:10:21,756
Um, but seriously,
I was wondering
250
00:10:21,776 --> 00:10:24,666
if maybe you could slow down
when you explain things
251
00:10:24,686 --> 00:10:26,975
so I could learn to drive?
252
00:10:26,995 --> 00:10:29,798
Did we try
"kapow, bam, drive, go"?
253
00:10:29,818 --> 00:10:31,750
We did.
It did not work.
254
00:10:31,770 --> 00:10:33,866
Okay.
255
00:10:34,270 --> 00:10:38,064
Maybe we should try,
"kazam, boom, drive, go."
256
00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:39,986
I'd like my money back.
257
00:10:41,230 --> 00:10:42,366
This is weird.
258
00:10:42,386 --> 00:10:44,542
Why do I feel weird?
259
00:10:44,562 --> 00:10:47,519
Because I don't have to
pick up the kids.
260
00:10:47,805 --> 00:10:50,603
This is what
ing relaxed feels like.
261
00:10:51,001 --> 00:10:53,364
I could have a Margarita.
262
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:56,452
Hold on a second.
263
00:10:57,334 --> 00:10:58,471
Or come right in.
264
00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,602
Greetings, Debbie Weaver.
265
00:10:59,622 --> 00:11:01,841
My mother is M.I.A.,
the Weaver children occupied,
266
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:03,855
and I, Dick Butkus,
am the cheese.
267
00:11:03,875 --> 00:11:04,688
You're the what?
268
00:11:04,708 --> 00:11:06,454
� Heigh-ho the derry-o
269
00:11:06,474 --> 00:11:08,612
♺ the cheese stands alone
270
00:11:08,632 --> 00:11:10,179
Say something
or he's gonna sing more.
271
00:11:10,199 --> 00:11:11,283
No, I won't.
272
00:11:11,303 --> 00:11:12,298
My God, can he...
273
00:11:12,318 --> 00:11:14,946
Read your mind?
Only when your hair is up.
274
00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:18,565
All right, the cheese
is leaving... alone.
275
00:11:19,236 --> 00:11:20,828
Dick, wait.
276
00:11:20,862 --> 00:11:22,782
I, uh...
277
00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:26,642
I guess we could spend
a lazy afternoon together.
278
00:11:26,662 --> 00:11:29,403
I was about to watch a bunch
of "revenge" I have dvr'd.
279
00:11:29,423 --> 00:11:31,722
Ooh. I love that show.
280
00:11:31,756 --> 00:11:34,275
There's so much...
Revenge in it.
281
00:11:34,618 --> 00:11:36,610
Let's get 'er goin'!
282
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:41,298
� Kumbaya, my lord
283
00:11:41,495 --> 00:11:44,283
♺ God hates cars
284
00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:46,036
All right, Larry,
enough, okay?
285
00:11:46,056 --> 00:11:48,163
Everyone knows
that this is just a front
286
00:11:48,183 --> 00:11:50,065
because you're bad
at driving.
287
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,197
How dare you say that?
288
00:11:51,217 --> 00:11:53,261
In front of these people,
who are prepared to die
289
00:11:53,281 --> 00:11:54,637
in order to protect
the environment?
290
00:11:54,657 --> 00:11:56,664
- I don't want to die.
- I'm too young to die.
291
00:11:56,684 --> 00:11:58,219
Sorry, boss. I'm out.
292
00:11:58,239 --> 00:11:59,810
Maybe I'll protest
more tomorrow.
293
00:11:59,830 --> 00:12:01,795
Where are you all going?
294
00:12:01,982 --> 00:12:03,727
Come back here, you traitors!
295
00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:07,949
What do we hate?
296
00:12:07,969 --> 00:12:09,317
Cars.
297
00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:11,510
Why do we hate them?
298
00:12:11,544 --> 00:12:12,413
Because they're stupid
299
00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:15,132
and impossible to drive,
and everyone...
300
00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:17,333
does it better than me.
301
00:12:18,092 --> 00:12:21,312
I'm such a loser.
302
00:12:21,332 --> 00:12:24,131
Are you absolutely sure
the baby's yours?
303
00:12:25,088 --> 00:12:28,343
Why doesn't Emily just
tell Jack who she really is?
304
00:12:28,377 --> 00:12:30,112
They're meant
to be together.
305
00:12:30,473 --> 00:12:32,238
Amen, Dick.
306
00:12:33,258 --> 00:12:34,377
This is great.
307
00:12:34,397 --> 00:12:37,036
I never have anyone to watch
nighttime soaps with.
308
00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:38,937
I'm your man, lady friend.
309
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,988
I needed this.
310
00:12:51,614 --> 00:12:54,011
- What's wrong?
- I'm panicking. You?
311
00:12:54,031 --> 00:12:55,411
I'm sulking.
312
00:12:55,710 --> 00:12:57,344
I'm a terrible driver.
313
00:12:57,364 --> 00:12:58,458
I am, too.
314
00:13:00,552 --> 00:13:03,094
Don't tell anyone, but that's
what my protest was all about.
315
00:13:03,114 --> 00:13:05,315
- Yeah, everyone knows.
- Really?
316
00:13:05,663 --> 00:13:07,409
Don't think anyone
had any lingering doubts
317
00:13:07,429 --> 00:13:09,070
that maybe it was partially
about the environment?
318
00:13:09,090 --> 00:13:11,876
No. You're very transparent.
319
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:17,161
All the other kids in my class
are doing better than me.
320
00:13:18,454 --> 00:13:21,195
Jackie's
a regular Danica Mckellar.
321
00:13:21,563 --> 00:13:23,096
You mean Danica Patrick.
322
00:13:23,131 --> 00:13:24,898
Danica Mckellar
played Winnie Cooper
323
00:13:24,933 --> 00:13:26,166
on "The wonder years."
324
00:13:26,186 --> 00:13:27,618
I know that.
325
00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:31,155
She strikes me as the sort of
woman who'd be good at anything.
326
00:13:32,148 --> 00:13:35,001
Say, why don't you and I
practice driving together,
327
00:13:35,021 --> 00:13:36,567
just the two of us?
No pressure.
328
00:13:36,587 --> 00:13:37,401
I'm listening.
329
00:13:37,421 --> 00:13:39,589
Meet me at 2:00 A.M. outside.
330
00:13:39,609 --> 00:13:41,553
We'll take the minivan
and go for a spin.
331
00:13:41,573 --> 00:13:42,958
- Deal?
- Deal.
332
00:13:46,191 --> 00:13:51,630
Amber, would you describe us
as two unlikely best friends?
333
00:13:52,150 --> 00:13:55,426
No. We're more like
two neighbors who can't drive.
334
00:13:55,446 --> 00:13:57,104
Yes. That's how
I'd describe us, too.
335
00:13:57,124 --> 00:13:59,935
I'm just making sure
we're on the same page.
336
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,338
Okay, so the "v" is on
a triple letter score,
337
00:14:08,358 --> 00:14:11,352
which is 26 points.
338
00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:13,114
You're delightful.
339
00:14:14,303 --> 00:14:15,679
You're mean!
You are!
340
00:14:15,699 --> 00:14:17,778
I hated every second
of that!
341
00:14:22,075 --> 00:14:22,988
Everything okay?
342
00:14:23,008 --> 00:14:25,660
You tricked me, Debbie Weaver.
I sat in traffic for hours
343
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,341
while Max
"practiced his farting."
344
00:14:29,361 --> 00:14:31,293
And Abby walked me through
the entire first season
345
00:14:31,313 --> 00:14:32,959
of "Spongebob squarepants."
346
00:14:32,979 --> 00:14:34,565
The second season
is when it really...
347
00:14:34,585 --> 00:14:38,084
I listened to
"semi-charmed life" 74 times.
348
00:14:38,104 --> 00:14:39,278
I'm completely burnt out.
349
00:14:39,298 --> 00:14:42,319
Which means that I now have
zero songs that I like.
350
00:14:42,568 --> 00:14:44,457
- I'm sorry...
- Zet!
351
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:45,752
Dick, let's go.
352
00:14:45,772 --> 00:14:46,908
But, mother,
after this game,
353
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:48,724
we were gonna
set up the elliptical machine
354
00:14:48,744 --> 00:14:51,853
Debbie bought six months ago.
355
00:14:52,375 --> 00:14:56,465
You've been taking advantage
of my son's excellent female companionship.
356
00:14:56,755 --> 00:14:58,389
Only I can do that.
357
00:14:58,890 --> 00:15:00,655
Enjoy your bad children.
358
00:15:00,675 --> 00:15:02,781
And your chicken. Um...
Ahem.
359
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:05,057
They were out of the herbed,
but I got that last Rosemary.
360
00:15:05,077 --> 00:15:06,569
Hope that's okay.
361
00:15:06,930 --> 00:15:08,104
It is. Thank you.
362
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:09,834
Good. I was worried.
363
00:15:09,885 --> 00:15:11,791
Good night! Come on.
364
00:15:12,239 --> 00:15:13,721
Fine.
365
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:16,069
Bye, Dick.
366
00:15:18,568 --> 00:15:20,662
Okay. Now easy. Easy.
367
00:15:20,682 --> 00:15:22,692
You're doing great.
368
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,214
- I am. I'm doing it.
- Yeah.
369
00:15:24,234 --> 00:15:26,377
Okay, now just
hit the brake pedal.
370
00:15:26,397 --> 00:15:28,402
What's a pedal? I forget
English when I'm stressed!
371
00:15:28,436 --> 00:15:29,370
Pedal!
372
00:15:30,589 --> 00:15:33,491
It's okay. We're okay.
373
00:15:33,772 --> 00:15:34,859
It's not that bad.
374
00:15:48,150 --> 00:15:50,732
Amber, how could you
crash the car?
375
00:15:50,752 --> 00:15:52,470
I didn't. Larry, tell them.
376
00:15:52,488 --> 00:15:53,773
Yeah. It was Amber.
377
00:15:53,793 --> 00:15:56,260
- I begged her to stop...
- Larry.
378
00:15:57,026 --> 00:15:58,326
Fine.
379
00:15:58,809 --> 00:16:00,891
It was me.
I crashed the car.
380
00:16:00,911 --> 00:16:04,034
I was practicing driving, okay?
Are you happy now?
381
00:16:04,054 --> 00:16:06,844
Okay, so you admit
you weren't protesting cars
382
00:16:06,864 --> 00:16:08,990
to save the environment?
383
00:16:09,475 --> 00:16:12,166
I'm sorry, Marty.
I will pay for the damage,
384
00:16:12,186 --> 00:16:13,910
as money is no object to me.
385
00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:15,812
Well, thank you.
For the first part.
386
00:16:15,832 --> 00:16:17,715
The second part
was an unnecessary
387
00:16:17,735 --> 00:16:19,787
and infuriating detail.
388
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,199
And if the offer
still stands,
389
00:16:22,373 --> 00:16:24,144
I'd very much appreciate
your help
390
00:16:24,164 --> 00:16:27,295
in teaching me
how to drive.
391
00:16:28,377 --> 00:16:30,553
Well, I guess
I could do that.
392
00:16:31,212 --> 00:16:33,463
And since I've come clean,
393
00:16:33,836 --> 00:16:36,152
is there anyone else here,
394
00:16:36,172 --> 00:16:38,863
inspired by my display
of commendable honesty,
395
00:16:38,883 --> 00:16:41,164
who'd like to make
a confession of her own?
396
00:16:41,184 --> 00:16:42,470
Nope.
Everyone else is good.
397
00:16:42,490 --> 00:16:44,534
Great. Let's all go back
to bed.
398
00:16:44,554 --> 00:16:46,261
Good night, Jackie.
399
00:16:50,054 --> 00:16:52,851
Why don't you just tell them the truth?
400
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,847
That you're having trouble in driver's ed
and you need their help?
401
00:16:55,867 --> 00:16:57,451
Because I'm not
4 years old.
402
00:16:57,471 --> 00:17:00,025
I'm not gonna run
to my daddy for help.
403
00:17:00,045 --> 00:17:01,371
Amber, when I first
started school,
404
00:17:01,405 --> 00:17:04,311
I had to ask you for help
a thousand times a day.
405
00:17:04,671 --> 00:17:08,609
With my fashion, my slang.
With my cool guy walk.
406
00:17:08,629 --> 00:17:10,089
The walk still needs work.
407
00:17:10,109 --> 00:17:11,588
I don't think so.
408
00:17:11,725 --> 00:17:14,901
Maybe you thought it was lame
that I needed so much of your help, but...
409
00:17:14,921 --> 00:17:17,971
I just... felt lucky
to have you.
410
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,997
It's not a crutch to have people
want to help you, Amber.
411
00:17:22,681 --> 00:17:24,223
It's a gift.
412
00:17:27,033 --> 00:17:28,605
Thank you, Reggie.
413
00:17:28,623 --> 00:17:31,269
Okay. Well, good night.
414
00:17:45,134 --> 00:17:46,623
Jackie, I know it's late.
415
00:17:46,643 --> 00:17:48,909
Are you here to convince me that
washing your family's dishes
416
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,416
would be like
a splashy ocean adventure?
417
00:17:51,436 --> 00:17:54,632
Jackie, I'm so sorry.
418
00:17:56,584 --> 00:18:00,126
It's just that I got so jealous
of your lazy afternoons
419
00:18:00,146 --> 00:18:03,243
that I tricked you
into driving around my kids.
420
00:18:05,332 --> 00:18:08,490
Everybody needs help sometimes,
Debbie Weaver.
421
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:10,193
Now that I have a license,
422
00:18:10,213 --> 00:18:11,934
if you need me
to pick up your kids
423
00:18:11,954 --> 00:18:14,242
once in a while, just ask.
424
00:18:14,466 --> 00:18:15,963
That's what neighbors do.
425
00:18:15,983 --> 00:18:17,890
Jackie, I have to
be honest with you.
426
00:18:17,910 --> 00:18:19,557
That's not what
neighbors do.
427
00:18:19,577 --> 00:18:22,980
They go through your mail.
They steal your wi-fi.
428
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,584
Well, you've got
good neighbors now.
429
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,648
Yes, we do,
and speaking of that,
430
00:18:26,668 --> 00:18:28,625
if you need someone
to watch Dick
431
00:18:28,645 --> 00:18:30,336
- or hang out...
- Don't push it.
432
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:33,489
Sorry.
433
00:18:34,148 --> 00:18:36,470
He really gets me.
434
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:38,985
He's a woman's best friend.
435
00:18:42,738 --> 00:18:45,078
Well, luckily,
it's just the bumper,
436
00:18:45,113 --> 00:18:46,618
so it shouldn't
be too expensive.
437
00:18:46,638 --> 00:18:48,936
I need you to teach me
how to drive.
438
00:18:48,956 --> 00:18:49,706
What?
439
00:18:49,726 --> 00:18:51,360
I'm failing driver's ed.
440
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,853
My teacher
is a total psycho.
441
00:18:52,887 --> 00:18:55,839
I can't drive,
like, at all.
442
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,196
Aw, baby, why didn't
you tell me?
443
00:18:58,216 --> 00:18:59,862
Because of that.
444
00:18:59,882 --> 00:19:01,554
Because of "baby!"
445
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:04,164
You know, every time I do
something that teenagers do,
446
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:06,539
like get a boyfriend
or learn how to drive,
447
00:19:06,559 --> 00:19:07,994
- you freak out.
- Amber...
448
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:10,680
Listen. I'm not
a little girl anymore.
449
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:12,222
I am getting my license.
450
00:19:12,242 --> 00:19:14,541
So I need you to help me,
451
00:19:14,561 --> 00:19:16,257
and I need you to
treat me like an adult,
452
00:19:16,277 --> 00:19:19,299
and I need you
to start tomorrow. Okay?
453
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,898
Yeah, okay.
454
00:19:25,851 --> 00:19:27,319
You know,
we were 25 years old
455
00:19:27,339 --> 00:19:29,271
when we found out
we were having you?
456
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,323
We had just decided
that getting a cat
457
00:19:31,343 --> 00:19:32,629
was too much responsibility,
458
00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:35,013
and we found out
we were getting a baby.
459
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,166
- I was an accident?
- Do that math.
460
00:19:37,186 --> 00:19:39,106
You're eight years
older than Max.
461
00:19:39,126 --> 00:19:40,760
Let's just say
that your mother and I
462
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:43,587
should not drink
long island iced teas.
463
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:47,119
You know, because it makes her
a little...
464
00:19:47,678 --> 00:19:48,723
- Amorous...
- Got it.
465
00:19:48,741 --> 00:19:49,708
Thank you.
466
00:19:49,742 --> 00:19:51,322
Look,
I was 25 years old,
467
00:19:51,342 --> 00:19:53,812
and my entire life
was turned upside-down,
468
00:19:53,846 --> 00:19:56,615
and it was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
469
00:19:56,649 --> 00:19:58,654
Look, I know
you're getting older.
470
00:19:59,035 --> 00:20:00,468
Rationally, I know that.
471
00:20:00,486 --> 00:20:02,621
But here's the thing...
472
00:20:02,857 --> 00:20:06,308
you are the baby that changed
my entire life, Amber.
473
00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:11,075
So if I get, you know,
too "baby" with you,
474
00:20:11,324 --> 00:20:13,518
well, now, at least you know
where that comes from.
475
00:20:13,538 --> 00:20:14,282
All right?
476
00:20:17,068 --> 00:20:17,832
Go ahead.
477
00:20:17,852 --> 00:20:18,976
- Can I, please?
- Yeah.
478
00:20:18,996 --> 00:20:21,408
Thank you.
479
00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:22,791
- That's enough.
- Okay.
480
00:20:22,825 --> 00:20:24,857
Okay.
481
00:20:24,877 --> 00:20:26,896
Go to bed. We're getting up
bright and early.
482
00:20:26,916 --> 00:20:30,031
7:00 a.m. driving lessons.
No excuses.
483
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,243
Dad.
484
00:20:32,263 --> 00:20:33,357
What?
485
00:20:34,514 --> 00:20:37,391
I'm really happy you and mom
got wasted that night.
486
00:20:38,287 --> 00:20:39,493
Yeah, me, too.
487
00:20:39,903 --> 00:20:42,440
You've lasted
much longer than a cat.
488
00:20:52,971 --> 00:20:54,070
Max!
489
00:20:54,090 --> 00:20:57,841
� I want something else I want something else
490
00:20:57,861 --> 00:21:01,124
♺ to get me through this
491
00:21:01,144 --> 00:21:03,382
- ♺ life, baby
- Abby!
492
00:21:03,402 --> 00:21:06,651
� I want something else
493
00:21:07,013 --> 00:21:10,171
♺ not listening when you say
494
00:21:10,206 --> 00:21:11,989
Dick!
495
00:21:12,601 --> 00:21:14,305
- � Good-bye
- ♺ Hello
496
00:21:14,325 --> 00:21:15,921
Dick.
497
00:21:17,065 --> 00:21:18,269
� Good-bye
498
00:21:18,289 --> 00:21:21,015
Dick, come on.
Come on. Come on.
499
00:21:21,453 --> 00:21:23,671
- � Good-bye
- ♺ Good-bye-ay-ay
500
00:21:23,691 --> 00:21:26,054
Okay. It's okay. Everybody.
501
00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:28,973
� do do do do do-do do
♺ do do do do do-do do
502
00:21:29,007 --> 00:21:31,226
♺ do do do do do-do do
♺ do do do do do-do do
503
00:21:31,277 --> 00:21:35,404
I could never burn out
on you, "semi-charmed life."
504
00:21:35,964 --> 00:21:38,587
www.addic7ed.com
505
00:21:38,637 --> 00:21:43,187
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