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1
00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,845
It's nice to see you.
2
00:00:12,863 --> 00:00:14,348
Say hello to my... drill.
3
00:00:15,966 --> 00:00:18,583
- Mmm. Nice drill, baby.
- Yeah.
4
00:00:18,603 --> 00:00:21,521
It's gonna be even sexier
when you put a bit on it.
5
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,423
Whoa. Yeah, the bits.
No, I knew that.
6
00:00:23,443 --> 00:00:24,881
You know, I must have left them
under the sink
7
00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:27,265
the last time I fixed
the faucet for you.
8
00:00:27,878 --> 00:00:28,812
Yeah.
9
00:00:28,846 --> 00:00:29,971
Anyway, what you up to?
10
00:00:29,991 --> 00:00:32,098
Well, Max just entered
the pinewood derby...
11
00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:34,563
you know, where they build
and they race the little wood cars?
12
00:00:34,583 --> 00:00:36,079
- Right.
- So he and I
13
00:00:36,099 --> 00:00:38,555
are gonna spend the day
building his car.
14
00:00:38,589 --> 00:00:41,306
Then at sunset, we're gonna
take it for a test drive.
15
00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:43,303
Then we'll get
root beer floats,
16
00:00:43,323 --> 00:00:45,179
we're gonna talk
about life...
17
00:00:45,199 --> 00:00:47,274
While van morrison
plays on the jukebox.
18
00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:51,074
Honey, you've been chasing
that laxative commercial for eight years now.
19
00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:52,129
It really moved me.
20
00:00:53,328 --> 00:00:54,826
- You see how I...
- I like that.
21
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:55,369
Laxative.
22
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,367
Honey, did Max ask
for your help?
23
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,527
Okay, okay,
we're almost done here, kid.
24
00:01:01,547 --> 00:01:02,892
Don't get sloppy.
25
00:01:02,912 --> 00:01:05,467
Grandpa, how are you
so good at this stuff?
26
00:01:05,487 --> 00:01:08,477
Oh, I come from a time
when men were men.
27
00:01:08,497 --> 00:01:10,664
Max. What are you doing?
28
00:01:10,684 --> 00:01:12,464
I though that I would
help you build your car.
29
00:01:14,303 --> 00:01:16,078
With those sausage fingers?
30
00:01:16,098 --> 00:01:18,855
You should see him
try to text.
31
00:01:18,875 --> 00:01:21,130
The only thing he could build
is a sandwich.
32
00:01:23,136 --> 00:01:25,194
No. No. Not funny, guys.
33
00:01:25,214 --> 00:01:27,526
Oh, you know what?
This is great. Thank you, everyone.
34
00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,615
Oh, come on, son.
35
00:01:29,635 --> 00:01:33,385
I bet even your boyfriend president Osama
is handier than you are,
36
00:01:33,405 --> 00:01:35,962
and he went to Harvard...
Supposedly.
37
00:01:35,982 --> 00:01:37,917
Dad, you have to stop
reading those e-mails.
38
00:01:37,937 --> 00:01:42,694
Oh, uh, Deb, speaking of which,
did my advice about your faucet
39
00:01:42,714 --> 00:01:45,894
help you
to fix numbskull's mess?
40
00:01:46,455 --> 00:01:48,522
Uh-huh.
It's working fine.
41
00:01:48,557 --> 00:01:50,241
Numbnuts.
42
00:01:53,692 --> 00:01:56,097
All right, numbnuts,
now it's your turn.
43
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,399
First, you gotta
bait the hook.
44
00:01:58,450 --> 00:02:00,134
Careful not to
stab your finger.
45
00:02:00,168 --> 00:02:02,386
Just like that.
46
00:02:02,404 --> 00:02:03,913
Thanks, dad!
47
00:02:03,933 --> 00:02:05,511
Stop yellin'.
48
00:02:05,531 --> 00:02:06,457
Pick that up.
49
00:02:06,477 --> 00:02:08,412
Whenever I picture
my dad growing up,
50
00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:11,607
he's this man's man,
you know?
51
00:02:11,627 --> 00:02:14,466
In a plaid jacket
with a dead fish in one hand
52
00:02:14,486 --> 00:02:16,731
and his fishing pole
in the other. Grr.
53
00:02:16,751 --> 00:02:18,933
Stay here with the girls
and gut the fish.
54
00:02:18,953 --> 00:02:21,834
- Hmm.
- We turned to my dad for everything.
55
00:02:21,854 --> 00:02:23,618
This family turns to me
for nothing.
56
00:02:23,638 --> 00:02:23,990
Wha...
57
00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:25,743
last time I tried
to send Abby to her room,
58
00:02:25,763 --> 00:02:27,702
she giggled
and poked my belly.
59
00:02:27,722 --> 00:02:29,796
Because it's so adorable.
60
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,006
Stop, stop.
61
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,821
I don't want
to be adorable.
62
00:02:32,841 --> 00:02:35,649
You know, I wanna be the dad
whose kids lean on them.
63
00:02:35,669 --> 00:02:37,220
You know, this way
when they get older,
64
00:02:37,254 --> 00:02:39,372
they can look at shelves
filled with videos
65
00:02:39,406 --> 00:02:42,925
of their dad
being a manly man, you know?
66
00:02:43,944 --> 00:02:45,528
We're going camping.
67
00:02:45,562 --> 00:02:47,497
Camping? Babe,
we don't camp.
68
00:02:47,531 --> 00:02:48,864
We're gonna go camping.
69
00:02:48,882 --> 00:02:51,142
I'm gonna set up shelter,
I'm gonna forage for food,
70
00:02:51,162 --> 00:02:53,700
this way, everyone can see that
I'm not some useless doofus.
71
00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,018
No one thinks
you're a...
72
00:02:55,038 --> 00:02:58,090
Marty, you useless doofus.
What the hell are you doing?
73
00:02:58,141 --> 00:03:00,727
No, not like that.
Pick that up.
74
00:03:00,928 --> 00:03:02,991
So we'll camp.
75
00:03:03,162 --> 00:03:05,286
S01E18
Camping
76
00:03:05,306 --> 00:03:08,251
synced and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
77
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,889
It gets me every time!
78
00:03:15,909 --> 00:03:17,360
It's nonstop.
79
00:03:17,394 --> 00:03:20,060
We're getting through
ten boxes of tart pops a week.
80
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,452
I like the suspense.
And the smell.
81
00:03:22,472 --> 00:03:24,823
So back to doing camping...
why would we join you?
82
00:03:24,843 --> 00:03:27,670
'Cause I plan
on being amazing this weekend,
83
00:03:27,704 --> 00:03:30,436
and I need
as many witnesses as possible.
84
00:03:30,456 --> 00:03:32,007
You know,
to oft tell my tale.
85
00:03:32,027 --> 00:03:33,273
But I don't understand.
86
00:03:33,293 --> 00:03:36,078
A weekend of primitive shelter
and no basic comforts
87
00:03:36,096 --> 00:03:37,703
just sounds like
life around here.
88
00:03:37,723 --> 00:03:38,932
Yes. Isn't this camping?
89
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:41,717
No, guys, this is the lap of luxury
compared to what most people have.
90
00:03:41,737 --> 00:03:43,975
- Really.
- Well, whatever you have to tell yourself.
91
00:03:45,497 --> 00:03:47,054
Hello, Reggie.
92
00:03:47,303 --> 00:03:49,058
Say hello to Giselle.
93
00:03:49,092 --> 00:03:51,727
Ugh. He will not
get off his "phone"
94
00:03:51,956 --> 00:03:54,066
with his new "girlfriend,"
"Giselle."
95
00:03:54,086 --> 00:03:56,927
She's practicing "air quotes."
We're open to notes.
96
00:03:58,226 --> 00:04:00,613
Barely hears anything
we say anymore.
97
00:04:00,633 --> 00:04:02,438
Isn't that right, Dick?
98
00:04:02,456 --> 00:04:03,331
Dick?
99
00:04:03,351 --> 00:04:05,575
You see, that's the best part
about camping.
100
00:04:05,609 --> 00:04:07,935
Okay? There's no phones,
there are no tvs,
101
00:04:07,955 --> 00:04:10,516
there's no...
Toasters, you know?
102
00:04:10,536 --> 00:04:12,477
It's just nature
and scary stories
103
00:04:12,497 --> 00:04:13,792
by the fire all night long.
104
00:04:13,812 --> 00:04:16,374
- Ooh.
- Scary stories around the fire?
105
00:04:16,394 --> 00:04:18,691
You know, back on Zabvron,
our favorite thing to do
106
00:04:18,711 --> 00:04:20,801
was to sit
at my father's flippers
107
00:04:20,821 --> 00:04:22,898
and listen to him tell tales.
108
00:04:22,918 --> 00:04:25,926
It was the only thing we needed
to pass the time...
109
00:04:25,946 --> 00:04:27,328
Except the time passer,
110
00:04:27,348 --> 00:04:29,994
which was a thing on zabvron
that we used to pass time.
111
00:04:30,014 --> 00:04:34,152
Husband, I don't think
that this camping sounds like it's "for" us.
112
00:04:34,172 --> 00:04:35,127
Oh, boys?
113
00:04:35,147 --> 00:04:36,789
Would you like
to sit around the fire
114
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:39,369
and listen to your father
weave tales?
115
00:04:46,066 --> 00:04:47,617
So we'll camp.
116
00:04:48,225 --> 00:04:50,362
Okay. I think
we've covered everything.
117
00:04:50,382 --> 00:04:51,623
Can anyone think
of anything else?
118
00:04:51,643 --> 00:04:52,690
Yes. Tell me again
119
00:04:52,710 --> 00:04:55,748
why living like homeless people
is considered a vacation?
120
00:04:55,768 --> 00:04:57,096
Amber...
121
00:04:57,704 --> 00:04:58,813
This tent is so luxurious,
122
00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:00,522
you're not even gonna know
you're camping.
123
00:05:00,542 --> 00:05:02,098
If we're not gonna know
we're camping,
124
00:05:02,118 --> 00:05:04,021
why do we even
have to go camping?
125
00:05:05,369 --> 00:05:07,781
Sorry, babe, you walked
right into that one.
126
00:05:07,801 --> 00:05:10,437
Daddy, isn't camping scary?
127
00:05:10,457 --> 00:05:14,293
I mean, you're outside
with spiders, bears, and snakes.
128
00:05:14,313 --> 00:05:17,413
That's why daddy bought
a head lamp.
129
00:05:18,259 --> 00:05:20,299
- I have some concerns.
- Mm-hmm.
130
00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:21,866
Can we at least bring the iPad
131
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:24,273
so if we need something,
we can Skype grandpa?
132
00:05:24,293 --> 00:05:26,538
No. If you need something,
you'll ask grizzly dad.
133
00:05:26,558 --> 00:05:28,289
- Who's grizzly dad?
- Me.
134
00:05:28,323 --> 00:05:29,138
- You?
- Him?
135
00:05:29,158 --> 00:05:30,442
- Yep.
- Is he growing a beard?
136
00:05:30,476 --> 00:05:31,693
No, it gets patchy.
137
00:05:31,727 --> 00:05:33,256
Okay, you know what?
Let's wrap this up.
138
00:05:33,276 --> 00:05:35,130
Should we bring
sleeping bags for the aliens?
139
00:05:35,150 --> 00:05:37,140
Do aliens need
sleeping bags?
140
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:38,977
Remember when we
just used to wonder
141
00:05:38,997 --> 00:05:41,702
if aliens existed at all?
142
00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,392
It was a simpler time.
143
00:05:43,412 --> 00:05:44,620
- Mm.
- Yep.
144
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,841
- I'm nervous about this trip, Jackie.
- Oh?
145
00:05:46,861 --> 00:05:48,852
Marty is going to crumble
if it doesn't go perfectly,
146
00:05:48,872 --> 00:05:50,391
and he proves he's a "man."
147
00:05:50,411 --> 00:05:52,843
Listen, Debbie Weaver,
I've learned several things
148
00:05:52,863 --> 00:05:55,118
on my 10-year "camping" trip
to earth,
149
00:05:55,138 --> 00:05:58,519
mainly about managing
a well-meaning but incapable man
150
00:05:58,539 --> 00:06:00,305
who's completely
out of his element.
151
00:06:00,325 --> 00:06:02,919
I'm speaking about somebody
that you don't know, of course.
152
00:06:03,304 --> 00:06:04,906
Understood.
153
00:06:04,926 --> 00:06:05,976
It's not Larry Bird.
154
00:06:06,010 --> 00:06:07,601
Gotcha.
It is Larry Bird,
155
00:06:07,621 --> 00:06:09,616
- just please don't tell him.
- Okay, I'm alone with you here.
156
00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:11,515
Oh. So just fix
all of the things
157
00:06:11,549 --> 00:06:13,883
that Marty does wrong in private
and then give him credit
158
00:06:13,903 --> 00:06:15,707
for all the things
that are going right.
159
00:06:15,727 --> 00:06:18,438
Also, you should make your eyes
look like this...
160
00:06:19,864 --> 00:06:22,011
And say something like,
161
00:06:22,346 --> 00:06:24,478
"your brain is so big,
Larry Bird."
162
00:06:24,512 --> 00:06:26,997
Of course, replace
"Larry Bird" with "Marty,"
163
00:06:27,048 --> 00:06:29,070
and "brain"
with whatever organ
164
00:06:29,090 --> 00:06:31,568
human men like to be told
is big. I'm thinking nipples.
165
00:06:31,619 --> 00:06:33,264
Jackie, it's not the 1950s.
166
00:06:33,284 --> 00:06:34,766
I don't have to pretend
I'm a helpless woman
167
00:06:34,786 --> 00:06:36,481
for Marty to feel like a man.
168
00:06:36,501 --> 00:06:38,901
Oh. That's weird.
169
00:06:38,921 --> 00:06:41,209
Because he's just spent $400
on camping equipment,
170
00:06:41,229 --> 00:06:42,959
and we're about to spend
the weekend sleeping in dirt
171
00:06:42,979 --> 00:06:44,927
so he can feel manly.
172
00:06:45,820 --> 00:06:47,500
Explain the eye thing
to me again.
173
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:48,662
Oh, it's just...
174
00:06:50,213 --> 00:06:52,241
Your spleen is so big, Marty.
175
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,979
Come on, kids!
It's breakfast time!
176
00:06:57,999 --> 00:07:00,257
I can't wait to go camping.
177
00:07:00,406 --> 00:07:02,479
Hey, camper.
178
00:07:02,826 --> 00:07:04,129
Reggie.
179
00:07:04,787 --> 00:07:05,733
Hello?
180
00:07:07,763 --> 00:07:10,225
- Hi.
- Oh. Hey, Amber. Sorry.
181
00:07:10,245 --> 00:07:12,347
I'm just, um,
trying to text Giselle
182
00:07:12,367 --> 00:07:15,356
as much as I can before this
stupid no-phone camping trip.
183
00:07:16,307 --> 00:07:17,900
She just had orange juice.
184
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,812
What?! Oh, my God!
I love her!
185
00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:23,182
All right, everyone!
186
00:07:23,202 --> 00:07:26,304
It took four bungee chords,
couple extension cords,
187
00:07:26,339 --> 00:07:27,589
and a lot of strapping
to the roof,
188
00:07:27,607 --> 00:07:28,848
but the van is packed!
189
00:07:28,868 --> 00:07:31,368
You strapped things to the roof
with extension cords?
190
00:07:31,388 --> 00:07:32,695
Yes, I did.
191
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:36,043
Let's go and admire
his work, Debbie Weaver.
192
00:07:36,837 --> 00:07:38,107
Good idea.
193
00:07:38,127 --> 00:07:40,639
Great job fitting
everything in, baby.
194
00:07:40,659 --> 00:07:43,116
Well, thanks, sweetie.
That's how I roll.
195
00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:45,971
What? No. No, no. Come on, guys.
No more of this junk.
196
00:07:45,991 --> 00:07:47,783
We are not eating anything
this weekend
197
00:07:47,803 --> 00:07:49,669
that I'm not catching
with these bad boys.
198
00:07:49,689 --> 00:07:51,903
Aw. It'll be Abby's first diet.
199
00:07:51,923 --> 00:07:53,821
All right, everyone!
Let's go campin'.
200
00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:56,332
Reggie?
201
00:07:56,654 --> 00:07:57,870
Phone.
202
00:07:58,330 --> 00:07:59,588
Be careful with it?
203
00:07:59,608 --> 00:08:01,486
Of course. Of course.
204
00:08:01,506 --> 00:08:03,308
I will guard it with my life.
205
00:08:05,282 --> 00:08:06,240
Dick?
206
00:08:06,260 --> 00:08:07,744
What's under your sweater?
207
00:08:07,764 --> 00:08:08,997
Nothing.
208
00:08:09,017 --> 00:08:10,760
Is that the toaster
under your sweater?
209
00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:11,671
No.
210
00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:13,924
Dick...
Give me the toaster.
211
00:08:15,721 --> 00:08:17,473
Leave a light on for him?
212
00:08:17,493 --> 00:08:19,409
Of course. Of course.
213
00:08:20,142 --> 00:08:22,126
And let's go camping!
214
00:08:28,459 --> 00:08:30,657
All right, guys, if you think
the road trip is fun,
215
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,272
wait till we get
to the campsite.
216
00:08:32,292 --> 00:08:33,528
My thumbs are twitchy.
217
00:08:33,548 --> 00:08:36,183
I've never felt
so lonely and disconnected.
218
00:08:36,203 --> 00:08:38,069
I miss my toaster.
219
00:08:38,089 --> 00:08:40,204
I know. Let's do math.
220
00:08:40,224 --> 00:08:40,973
Ooh!
221
00:08:40,993 --> 00:08:43,491
Y=log x.
If y=10, what is x?
222
00:08:43,511 --> 00:08:44,223
- 1.
- 1.
223
00:08:44,243 --> 00:08:46,171
- Ha! Beat you. Suck it, son.
- Touche. Another.
224
00:08:46,191 --> 00:08:49,212
4,176 times 8,247?
225
00:08:49,232 --> 00:08:52,140
- 34,439,472.
- 34,439,472.
226
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:53,182
Tie!
227
00:08:53,381 --> 00:08:54,962
Calculus to the next stop!
228
00:08:54,982 --> 00:08:59,119
Mommy, I will seriously
jump out of this car.
229
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,516
But what's the point
of doing math
230
00:09:00,536 --> 00:09:02,316
if I can't text Giselle that I'm doing math?
231
00:09:02,336 --> 00:09:03,907
If a tree falls in the forest,
232
00:09:03,942 --> 00:09:05,459
and Giselle
isn't there to hear it,
233
00:09:05,493 --> 00:09:07,978
does it, in fact,
make a sound?
234
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,213
God, I wish
I could ask Giselle.
235
00:09:10,265 --> 00:09:12,866
Okay, how about
some more math, everybody?
236
00:09:12,901 --> 00:09:14,371
Well, there's not enough time
for more math,
237
00:09:14,391 --> 00:09:16,382
because guess what,
ladies, gentlemen,
238
00:09:16,402 --> 00:09:18,801
extraterrestrials,
and just terrestrials?
239
00:09:18,821 --> 00:09:19,988
We're here!
240
00:09:21,378 --> 00:09:24,832
Here we go, eh? This is it!
241
00:09:24,852 --> 00:09:27,952
Come on, guys! Home sweet home!
242
00:09:38,654 --> 00:09:41,824
I'll show you how to, you know, burn this wood.
243
00:09:41,844 --> 00:09:45,670
- Oh. Bravo. Yeah.
- � raised in the woods so's he knew every tree
244
00:09:56,013 --> 00:09:57,544
- � Davy, Davy Crockett
- It's gonna happen.
245
00:09:57,578 --> 00:10:00,559
- Oh! Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, hey, hey, hey!
246
00:10:04,128 --> 00:10:08,409
Marty, I shan't be able to tell
my tale for a few hours yet.
247
00:10:08,731 --> 00:10:10,005
You'll get her, buddy.
248
00:10:10,025 --> 00:10:12,024
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
What's that?
249
00:10:12,044 --> 00:10:13,422
What happened
to no technology?
250
00:10:13,442 --> 00:10:14,638
This is the only exception.
251
00:10:14,658 --> 00:10:16,495
I have to document my manliness
for my children.
252
00:10:16,529 --> 00:10:18,547
This way, they can
watch it for years to come,
253
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:20,495
and... crap.
I forgot the battery.
254
00:10:20,515 --> 00:10:22,754
Daddy, we're bored.
255
00:10:24,312 --> 00:10:25,868
I know what we can do!
256
00:10:25,888 --> 00:10:27,717
We can play with my pets!
257
00:10:28,791 --> 00:10:31,869
- Holy lord almighty.
- Dick, you are covered in mosquitos.
258
00:10:31,889 --> 00:10:33,247
I'll get you
insect repellent.
259
00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:35,574
- No, thanks. I'm fine.
- They're not biting you?
260
00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:37,572
I don't think so.
They're just resting.
261
00:10:37,592 --> 00:10:39,155
Huh. Okay. Well, I must say,
262
00:10:39,175 --> 00:10:40,937
- I haven't had a single bug on me.
- No.
263
00:10:40,957 --> 00:10:43,153
- Me, either.
- He's like a living bug light.
264
00:10:43,173 --> 00:10:43,935
Awesome.
265
00:10:43,955 --> 00:10:45,504
Just lucky, I guess.
266
00:10:47,132 --> 00:10:48,709
All right.
So you just go like this,
267
00:10:48,729 --> 00:10:49,943
and...
268
00:10:49,978 --> 00:10:52,688
And you make sure
you take the hook...
269
00:10:52,708 --> 00:10:55,377
- Here, let me do it.
- Remember.
270
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,886
I'd like to try.
271
00:10:59,161 --> 00:11:00,137
I wanna learn.
272
00:11:00,171 --> 00:11:01,867
All right.
273
00:11:01,887 --> 00:11:04,275
But be very careful,
'cause it's very sharp.
274
00:11:04,295 --> 00:11:05,888
It is sharp. Wow.
275
00:11:05,908 --> 00:11:08,501
You don't wanna turn the hook
the wrong...
276
00:11:08,898 --> 00:11:09,983
Wow, look. You just... you...
277
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,676
you put it
right through there, huh?
278
00:11:11,696 --> 00:11:13,400
You're a great teacher.
279
00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:15,523
You know about everything.
280
00:11:15,543 --> 00:11:17,483
I am kind of good
at this stuff.
281
00:11:17,503 --> 00:11:19,940
- All right, you ready, Max? Let's go.
- Yep.
282
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,095
And just like that,
283
00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:23,820
the baby bird
began to fly on her own.
284
00:11:24,143 --> 00:11:26,108
Can you give me
a minute, Jackie?
285
00:11:26,128 --> 00:11:28,962
I just set women's lib
back 50 years.
286
00:11:28,982 --> 00:11:29,987
Little nauseous.
287
00:11:30,007 --> 00:11:32,205
Mommy, can I go play
in that field over there?
288
00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:34,036
Sure, baby.
But there's a lot of bugs,
289
00:11:34,054 --> 00:11:35,610
so take Dick with ya.
290
00:11:35,630 --> 00:11:37,440
Come on, Dick.
291
00:11:38,484 --> 00:11:40,426
Hey. Whatcha doin'?
292
00:11:40,460 --> 00:11:44,179
Um, I'm writing down everything
I would be texting Giselle
293
00:11:44,199 --> 00:11:46,984
so I can catch her up when
this waste of a weekend is over.
294
00:11:47,004 --> 00:11:50,620
New idea... how about you try
to have some fun here and now?
295
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:51,910
Uh, doing what?
296
00:11:51,930 --> 00:11:53,920
I don't know. I thought
maybe we could go swimming.
297
00:11:54,293 --> 00:11:56,084
A lot of hype
about swimming.
298
00:11:56,104 --> 00:11:57,707
What's so fun
about swimming?
299
00:11:57,727 --> 00:12:00,445
You know, it is one of
life's great mysteries.
300
00:12:00,479 --> 00:12:01,930
You think it's gonna be
cold and boring,
301
00:12:01,964 --> 00:12:03,215
but then you get in there
302
00:12:03,249 --> 00:12:04,482
and your dad puts you
on his shoulders...
303
00:12:04,517 --> 00:12:06,181
Oh, your dad's
going swimming, too?
304
00:12:06,201 --> 00:12:08,911
No. No, no. I'm just saying
it's fun, you know?
305
00:12:08,931 --> 00:12:10,624
You splash around...
306
00:12:10,644 --> 00:12:12,249
The water feels good...
307
00:12:12,269 --> 00:12:13,642
If you put your hair
like this in the water
308
00:12:13,693 --> 00:12:15,579
and then flip it up,
you look like George wash...
309
00:12:15,599 --> 00:12:16,348
it doesn't matter.
310
00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:18,147
Um, it's just fun, Reggie.
311
00:12:19,545 --> 00:12:22,002
No, thanks.
I'd rather paper text.
312
00:12:22,188 --> 00:12:24,273
Paper texting
is not a thing.
313
00:12:24,397 --> 00:12:26,481
You're just writing
a letter!
314
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,874
"Think Amber preparing
to menstruate.
315
00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:32,834
L.O.L."
316
00:12:33,219 --> 00:12:34,832
Winky face.
317
00:12:38,611 --> 00:12:40,331
I gotta pee.
318
00:12:40,351 --> 00:12:41,631
All right. Come on.
319
00:12:43,239 --> 00:12:44,321
Hon?
320
00:12:44,355 --> 00:12:45,888
Oh, have fun.
We'll fish for you.
321
00:12:45,908 --> 00:12:47,650
Let's go, buddy.
322
00:12:49,338 --> 00:12:51,273
Okay, now, now, now, now, now!
Okay, you get the hooks,
323
00:12:51,293 --> 00:12:53,161
and I'll gouge their face holes.
324
00:12:53,181 --> 00:12:54,537
I can't believe
I'm doing this.
325
00:12:54,557 --> 00:12:56,407
It's so fake and dishonest.
326
00:12:56,825 --> 00:12:59,770
The crazy thing is that Marty hasn't smelled
that something's up, you know?
327
00:12:59,804 --> 00:13:03,096
He knows I'm not
this helpless, impressed girl.
328
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,342
But he hasn't
noticed anything.
329
00:13:05,362 --> 00:13:07,392
Mommy?
What are you doing?
330
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,445
Nothing, Abby. Nothing.
331
00:13:08,463 --> 00:13:11,251
Daddy caught these fish,
capisce?
332
00:13:11,271 --> 00:13:12,364
Capisce.
333
00:13:12,599 --> 00:13:13,671
Where's Dick?
334
00:13:13,691 --> 00:13:14,974
Lying on an anthill.
335
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:17,994
He says he likes the way
they tickle his back.
336
00:13:18,118 --> 00:13:19,736
You know, we really should
keep Dick close.
337
00:13:19,756 --> 00:13:22,888
- I think I'm getting bit.
- Hey, guys! You caught two!
338
00:13:22,908 --> 00:13:24,335
- Really?
- What?
339
00:13:25,018 --> 00:13:26,110
Here, Max.
340
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:29,232
Whoa!
This feels like a whale!
341
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:30,696
He's really fightin' me!
342
00:13:30,716 --> 00:13:31,818
Mine isn't fighting me
at all.
343
00:13:31,869 --> 00:13:33,702
Reel, men! Reel!
Here they come.
344
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,399
Bring it up.
Bring it up, Max. Bring it up.
345
00:13:35,419 --> 00:13:37,190
Whoa! Whoa!
346
00:13:39,691 --> 00:13:41,317
I think
they're already dead.
347
00:13:41,739 --> 00:13:44,648
They died from exhaustion,
from all the reeling!
348
00:13:44,668 --> 00:13:46,633
Daddy did it!
349
00:13:46,653 --> 00:13:48,110
All right, kids, huh?
350
00:13:48,130 --> 00:13:50,346
Sear this into your memories!
351
00:13:50,366 --> 00:13:52,096
Seart into iour memories!
352
00:13:53,754 --> 00:13:55,124
It just touched me
right in the mouth.
353
00:13:55,144 --> 00:13:57,097
It went in my mouth.
Watch out.
354
00:13:57,117 --> 00:13:59,465
Do you have baby wipes,
hon?
355
00:13:59,485 --> 00:14:01,778
It's seared in my memory,
all right.
356
00:14:06,124 --> 00:14:08,325
Their blackened scales
are so awful.
357
00:14:08,345 --> 00:14:10,263
It reminds me of grandma.
358
00:14:10,511 --> 00:14:13,489
"Remind me to tell you
about my grandma's fire burial.
359
00:14:13,712 --> 00:14:15,350
Miss you."
360
00:14:16,078 --> 00:14:18,279
No! My texts!
361
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,165
I didn't even
back them up!
362
00:14:20,199 --> 00:14:21,733
Enough tumult.
363
00:14:21,753 --> 00:14:23,788
It's ghost story time,
364
00:14:23,808 --> 00:14:27,288
starring master tale teller
Lawrence Bird.
365
00:14:29,112 --> 00:14:32,815
It all started
a long time ago
366
00:14:33,399 --> 00:14:37,139
when a young man
didn't listen to his father.
367
00:14:37,159 --> 00:14:41,343
This rudderless boy withdrew
into the woods of New Jersey,
368
00:14:41,363 --> 00:14:43,807
not far from here, actually.
369
00:14:44,031 --> 00:14:47,212
He then started haunting
a family of campers.
370
00:14:47,232 --> 00:14:49,396
Okay! Everybody!
371
00:14:49,416 --> 00:14:50,563
Dinner's ready.
Grab a plate.
372
00:14:50,583 --> 00:14:53,913
That's great!
To daddy, who provided!
373
00:14:53,933 --> 00:14:55,265
Thank you.
374
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:58,049
And for mommy,
for buying the fish!
375
00:14:58,069 --> 00:14:59,083
- Abby.
- What?
376
00:14:59,103 --> 00:15:01,952
She was so fast
at putting them on the hooks.
377
00:15:01,972 --> 00:15:04,155
Mommy's awesome.
378
00:15:06,225 --> 00:15:07,258
Capisce.
379
00:15:07,278 --> 00:15:08,710
Wait. What did you do?
380
00:15:08,744 --> 00:15:11,185
Dad, it's not like you were
ever gonna put up the tent
381
00:15:11,205 --> 00:15:13,451
or get the fire started
on your own or anything.
382
00:15:13,471 --> 00:15:15,149
- Max.
- What?
383
00:15:15,399 --> 00:15:17,335
So wait a minute...
you did all of this,
384
00:15:17,355 --> 00:15:20,058
- and everybody knew about it?
- No.
385
00:15:20,078 --> 00:15:22,224
Oh, yes.
I definitely knew.
386
00:15:27,933 --> 00:15:30,080
Marty. Marty!
387
00:15:30,999 --> 00:15:33,518
Awkward.
Okay, back to me.
388
00:15:33,552 --> 00:15:34,936
The brothers knew
389
00:15:34,970 --> 00:15:36,521
that one of them wouldn't
make it through the night,
390
00:15:36,555 --> 00:15:37,539
but who would it be?
391
00:15:37,573 --> 00:15:39,395
The cute little one?
392
00:15:39,415 --> 00:15:41,890
Or the larger,
ungrateful one?
393
00:16:05,837 --> 00:16:08,091
You burned
my paper texts.
394
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,759
Here's the thing, dude.
395
00:16:10,779 --> 00:16:13,377
There are two kinds
of people in this world.
396
00:16:13,688 --> 00:16:15,279
The kind who blow off everyone
397
00:16:15,314 --> 00:16:17,260
the minute they get
a boyfriend or girlfriend,
398
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,737
and the cool kind.
399
00:16:21,970 --> 00:16:24,676
I guess I didn't realize
you'd even miss me.
400
00:16:25,247 --> 00:16:26,618
Well, I do.
401
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,641
So suck it.
402
00:16:33,481 --> 00:16:35,255
Oh, my God!
403
00:16:37,683 --> 00:16:39,922
Okay. This is happening.
404
00:16:39,942 --> 00:16:41,344
This is nice.
405
00:16:46,246 --> 00:16:48,475
- Okay. Hi.
- Hi.
406
00:16:48,495 --> 00:16:50,837
- Now what?
- I don't know.
407
00:16:51,248 --> 00:16:52,926
Why is this fun?
408
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:54,895
- I don't know.
- Okay.
409
00:16:55,552 --> 00:16:57,488
Oh, this is fun.
410
00:16:58,034 --> 00:16:59,755
Reggie, you have to
do it to me.
411
00:16:59,773 --> 00:17:01,168
Oh, okay.
412
00:17:05,594 --> 00:17:07,716
- Oh. Sorry.
- It's okay.
413
00:17:08,287 --> 00:17:10,249
- You cold?
- A little bit.
414
00:17:12,384 --> 00:17:13,861
Thanks.
415
00:17:20,967 --> 00:17:22,990
We should get back.
416
00:17:29,183 --> 00:17:31,608
You all look so cozy.
417
00:17:31,628 --> 00:17:33,775
Dick, are you sure you want to
sleep with the Weaver kids?
418
00:17:33,795 --> 00:17:35,182
Oh, yes. I'm looking forward
419
00:17:35,202 --> 00:17:37,192
to smelling
the human sleep breath.
420
00:17:37,212 --> 00:17:38,964
And I'm out.
421
00:17:41,074 --> 00:17:43,164
Mommy, I'm scared.
422
00:17:43,184 --> 00:17:44,888
The woods are really dark.
423
00:17:44,908 --> 00:17:46,646
Ooh, honey, there's nothing
to be scared of.
424
00:17:49,648 --> 00:17:51,584
Seriously, Larry?
425
00:17:51,733 --> 00:17:53,837
Hey.
426
00:17:55,459 --> 00:17:57,805
Everybody calm down.
427
00:17:58,165 --> 00:18:00,377
- Where's dad?
- I hate the woods.
428
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,298
Okay, dad just went
to walk it off.
429
00:18:02,318 --> 00:18:04,348
He'll be right back, and there's nothing
to hate about he woods.
430
00:18:04,382 --> 00:18:07,872
They're not scary.
It's filled with flowers and trees,
431
00:18:07,892 --> 00:18:09,170
and little...
432
00:18:10,163 --> 00:18:12,005
Oh, my God.
433
00:18:12,025 --> 00:18:13,241
Bear!
434
00:18:13,464 --> 00:18:15,659
Bear! Bear!
435
00:18:15,983 --> 00:18:17,844
Husband, help us.
436
00:18:20,656 --> 00:18:23,081
Everybody just stay calm!
Back away slowly!
437
00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:25,302
- Marty!
- Deb, please, get everyone to the car,
438
00:18:25,322 --> 00:18:26,009
and lock the doors, okay?
439
00:18:26,029 --> 00:18:28,057
- Dad, be careful!
- I'm okay, baby.
440
00:18:28,077 --> 00:18:30,107
- Kids, are you all right?
- Daddy, I'm scared!
441
00:18:30,125 --> 00:18:32,657
Okay, well, I'm just gonna talk
to Yogi here for a sec.
442
00:18:34,829 --> 00:18:36,410
All right. Okay.
443
00:18:36,430 --> 00:18:38,606
So I gotta stay big, right?
Stay big.
444
00:18:39,259 --> 00:18:42,374
Look near you
but not directly at you.
445
00:18:42,846 --> 00:18:46,978
And I have to project
a calm and a dominance...
446
00:18:47,797 --> 00:18:48,646
Like that.
447
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:52,707
Oh, God. Jeez.
448
00:18:53,129 --> 00:18:54,407
Deb, how you doin'?
449
00:18:54,427 --> 00:18:56,682
- Come on, woman!
- I can't find the keys!
450
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,196
There's so many
friggin' pockets!
451
00:18:58,216 --> 00:18:59,518
Hurry up, please!
452
00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:02,037
Okay. Oh, you are big.
453
00:19:02,261 --> 00:19:05,649
Okay. Got a couple
of pounds...
454
00:19:06,753 --> 00:19:09,029
You got a couple of pounds on me.
455
00:19:09,049 --> 00:19:11,733
I can see that.
456
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:13,470
Not today, buddy.
457
00:19:14,309 --> 00:19:16,647
You get out of here!
Get! Go on!
458
00:19:16,667 --> 00:19:20,370
Get! Get! Get out of here!
459
00:19:26,215 --> 00:19:27,374
Thank you.
460
00:19:27,394 --> 00:19:29,263
Come on, babe!
461
00:19:31,216 --> 00:19:33,735
He took nothing. Crazy.
462
00:19:33,769 --> 00:19:35,055
Awesome.
463
00:19:35,075 --> 00:19:37,673
That bear
was as big as this van.
464
00:19:37,693 --> 00:19:39,273
No. Bigger.
465
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:41,458
But not as big as daddy.
466
00:19:41,478 --> 00:19:44,159
I will say it was
pretty impressive, dad.
467
00:19:46,365 --> 00:19:48,557
Those are real
"big strong man" eyes, huh?
468
00:19:48,577 --> 00:19:51,667
They are. I'm sorry
I gave you the fake ones.
469
00:19:53,305 --> 00:19:56,011
Good job, daddy. Good job.
470
00:19:58,043 --> 00:20:01,166
My dad was the kind
of man you made movies about.
471
00:20:01,186 --> 00:20:03,039
The kind
you told stories about.
472
00:20:03,059 --> 00:20:05,963
And I always wanted to be
that kind of man to my kids.
473
00:20:05,983 --> 00:20:09,624
But I'm no good at camping
or fishing or making things.
474
00:20:09,644 --> 00:20:11,990
But I did make
three amazing things
475
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:14,571
that I'm very, very proud of.
476
00:20:14,823 --> 00:20:18,646
So one day, long from now,
you tell that story about me.
477
00:20:19,178 --> 00:20:20,948
I like that one.
478
00:20:21,383 --> 00:20:23,137
You can tell people about
the bear, too,
479
00:20:23,157 --> 00:20:24,969
'cause it was huge.
480
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:27,872
Okay. I love you guys.
481
00:20:32,813 --> 00:20:34,133
Wait, how do you...
482
00:20:34,153 --> 00:20:35,548
Come on. Would...
483
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,690
Hon! How do you
turn this thing off?
484
00:20:43,892 --> 00:20:45,802
So I suppose we should, uh,
485
00:20:45,822 --> 00:20:48,267
discuss my reaction
to the bear...
486
00:20:48,490 --> 00:20:52,027
Or as it is more formally known,
the ursus americanus,
487
00:20:52,047 --> 00:20:54,169
which, as you know,
is an omnivore
488
00:20:54,466 --> 00:20:56,849
whose diet varies greatly.
Which, I'd like to point out,
489
00:20:56,869 --> 00:20:58,996
means there was
a very possible likelihood
490
00:20:59,016 --> 00:21:00,423
that it might have eaten us.
491
00:21:00,443 --> 00:21:02,921
Yes. The bear
almost ate your family.
492
00:21:02,941 --> 00:21:05,229
- And you ran into the woods.
- And screamed like a girl.
493
00:21:05,249 --> 00:21:07,951
Well, yes. Well, I worked myself up
with all the ghost stories.
494
00:21:07,971 --> 00:21:09,994
And it's not easy
being the man of the house.
495
00:21:10,014 --> 00:21:12,501
Yes.
It's a real "bear."
496
00:21:13,246 --> 00:21:16,795
Okay. Now don't you have
some texting or toasting to do?
497
00:21:16,815 --> 00:21:18,858
Now go. Go on.
498
00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:24,740
My brain is still huge,
though, right?
499
00:21:25,609 --> 00:21:27,185
Yes, dear, it's gigantic.
500
00:21:27,205 --> 00:21:29,059
I can barely handle it.
501
00:21:30,362 --> 00:21:33,079
www.addic7ed.com
502
00:21:33,129 --> 00:21:37,679
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