Original subtitles

It's nice to see you.

Say hello to my... drill.

- Mmm. Nice drill, baby. - Yeah.

It's gonna be even sexier when you put a bit on it.

Whoa. Yeah, the bits. No, I knew that.

You know, I must have left them under the sink

the last time I fixed the faucet for you.

Yeah.

Anyway, what you up to?

Well, Max just entered the pinewood derby...

you know, where they build and they race the little wood cars?

- Right. - So he and I

are gonna spend the day building his car.

Then at sunset, we're gonna take it for a test drive.

Then we'll get root beer floats,

we're gonna talk about life...

While van morrison plays on the jukebox.

Honey, you've been chasing that laxative commercial for eight years now.

It really moved me.

- You see how I... - I like that.

Laxative.

Honey, did Max ask for your help?

Okay, okay, we're almost done here, kid.

Don't get sloppy.

Grandpa, how are you so good at this stuff?

Oh, I come from a time when men were men.

Max. What are you doing?

I though that I would help you build your car.

With those sausage fingers?

You should see him try to text.

The only thing he could build is a sandwich.

No. No. Not funny, guys.

Oh, you know what? This is great. Thank you, everyone.

Oh, come on, son.

I bet even your boyfriend president Osama is handier than you are,

and he went to Harvard... Supposedly.

Dad, you have to stop reading those e-mails.

Oh, uh, Deb, speaking of which, did my advice about your faucet

help you to fix numbskull's mess?

Uh-huh. It's working fine.

Numbnuts.

All right, numbnuts, now it's your turn.

First, you gotta bait the hook.

Careful not to stab your finger.

Just like that.

Thanks, dad!

Stop yellin'.

Pick that up.

Whenever I picture my dad growing up,

he's this man's man, you know?

In a plaid jacket with a dead fish in one hand

and his fishing pole in the other. Grr.

Stay here with the girls and gut the fish.

- Hmm. - We turned to my dad for everything.

This family turns to me for nothing.

Wha...

last time I tried to send Abby to her room,

she giggled and poked my belly.

Because it's so adorable.

Stop, stop.

I don't want to be adorable.

You know, I wanna be the dad whose kids lean on them.

You know, this way when they get older,

they can look at shelves filled with videos

of their dad being a manly man, you know?

We're going camping.

Camping? Babe, we don't camp.

We're gonna go camping.

I'm gonna set up shelter, I'm gonna forage for food,

this way, everyone can see that I'm not some useless doofus.

No one thinks you're a...

Marty, you useless doofus. What the hell are you doing?

No, not like that. Pick that up.

So we'll camp.

S01E18 Camping

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It gets me every time!

It's nonstop.

We're getting through ten boxes of tart pops a week.

I like the suspense. And the smell.

So back to doing camping... why would we join you?

'Cause I plan on being amazing this weekend,

and I need as many witnesses as possible.

You know, to oft tell my tale.

But I don't understand.

A weekend of primitive shelter and no basic comforts

just sounds like life around here.

Yes. Isn't this camping?

No, guys, this is the lap of luxury compared to what most people have.

- Really. - Well, whatever you have to tell yourself.

Hello, Reggie.

Say hello to Giselle.

Ugh. He will not get off his "phone"

with his new "girlfriend," "Giselle."

She's practicing "air quotes." We're open to notes.

Barely hears anything we say anymore.

Isn't that right, Dick?

Dick?

You see, that's the best part about camping.

Okay? There's no phones, there are no tvs,

there's no... Toasters, you know?

It's just nature and scary stories

by the fire all night long.

- Ooh. - Scary stories around the fire?

You know, back on Zabvron, our favorite thing to do

was to sit at my father's flippers

and listen to him tell tales.

It was the only thing we needed to pass the time...

Except the time passer,

which was a thing on zabvron that we used to pass time.

Husband, I don't think that this camping sounds like it's "for" us.

Oh, boys?

Would you like to sit around the fire

and listen to your father weave tales?

So we'll camp.

Okay. I think we've covered everything.

Can anyone think of anything else?

Yes. Tell me again

why living like homeless people is considered a vacation?

Amber...

This tent is so luxurious,

you're not even gonna know you're camping.

If we're not gonna know we're camping,

why do we even have to go camping?

Sorry, babe, you walked right into that one.

Daddy, isn't camping scary?

I mean, you're outside with spiders, bears, and snakes.

That's why daddy bought a head lamp.

- I have some concerns. - Mm-hmm.

Can we at least bring the iPad

so if we need something, we can Skype grandpa?

No. If you need something, you'll ask grizzly dad.

- Who's grizzly dad? - Me.

- You? - Him?

- Yep. - Is he growing a beard?

No, it gets patchy.

Okay, you know what? Let's wrap this up.

Should we bring sleeping bags for the aliens?

Do aliens need sleeping bags?

Remember when we just used to wonder

if aliens existed at all?

It was a simpler time.

- Mm. - Yep.

- I'm nervous about this trip, Jackie. - Oh?

Marty is going to crumble if it doesn't go perfectly,

and he proves he's a "man."

Listen, Debbie Weaver, I've learned several things

on my 10-year "camping" trip to earth,

mainly about managing a well-meaning but incapable man

who's completely out of his element.

I'm speaking about somebody that you don't know, of course.

Understood.

It's not Larry Bird.

Gotcha. It is Larry Bird,

- just please don't tell him. - Okay, I'm alone with you here.

Oh. So just fix all of the things

that Marty does wrong in private and then give him credit

for all the things that are going right.

Also, you should make your eyes look like this...

And say something like,

"your brain is so big, Larry Bird."

Of course, replace "Larry Bird" with "Marty,"

and "brain" with whatever organ

human men like to be told is big. I'm thinking nipples.

Jackie, it's not the 1950s.

I don't have to pretend I'm a helpless woman

for Marty to feel like a man.

Oh. That's weird.

Because he's just spent $400 on camping equipment,

and we're about to spend the weekend sleeping in dirt

so he can feel manly.

Explain the eye thing to me again.

Oh, it's just...

Your spleen is so big, Marty.

Come on, kids! It's breakfast time!

I can't wait to go camping.

Hey, camper.

Reggie.

Hello?

- Hi. - Oh. Hey, Amber. Sorry.

I'm just, um, trying to text Giselle

as much as I can before this stupid no-phone camping trip.

She just had orange juice.

What?! Oh, my God! I love her!

All right, everyone!

It took four bungee chords, couple extension cords,

and a lot of strapping to the roof,

but the van is packed!

You strapped things to the roof with extension cords?

Yes, I did.

Let's go and admire his work, Debbie Weaver.

Good idea.

Great job fitting everything in, baby.

Well, thanks, sweetie. That's how I roll.

What? No. No, no. Come on, guys. No more of this junk.

We are not eating anything this weekend

that I'm not catching with these bad boys.

Aw. It'll be Abby's first diet.

All right, everyone! Let's go campin'.

Reggie?

Phone.

Be careful with it?

Of course. Of course.

I will guard it with my life.

Dick?

What's under your sweater?

Nothing.

Is that the toaster under your sweater?

No.

Dick... Give me the toaster.

Leave a light on for him?

Of course. Of course.

And let's go camping!

All right, guys, if you think the road trip is fun,

wait till we get to the campsite.

My thumbs are twitchy.

I've never felt so lonely and disconnected.

I miss my toaster.

I know. Let's do math.

Ooh!

Y=log x. If y=10, what is x?

- 1. - 1.

- Ha! Beat you. Suck it, son. - Touche. Another.

4,176 times 8,247?

- 34,439,472. - 34,439,472.

Tie!

Calculus to the next stop!

Mommy, I will seriously jump out of this car.

But what's the point of doing math

if I can't text Giselle that I'm doing math?

If a tree falls in the forest,

and Giselle isn't there to hear it,

does it, in fact, make a sound?

God, I wish I could ask Giselle.

Okay, how about some more math, everybody?

Well, there's not enough time for more math,

because guess what, ladies, gentlemen,

extraterrestrials, and just terrestrials?

We're here!

Here we go, eh? This is it!

Come on, guys! Home sweet home!

I'll show you how to, you know, burn this wood.

- Oh. Bravo. Yeah. - ™� raised in the woods so's he knew every tree

- ™� Davy, Davy Crockett - It's gonna happen.

- Oh! Oh, my goodness. - Oh, hey, hey, hey!

Marty, I shan't be able to tell my tale for a few hours yet.

You'll get her, buddy.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's that?

What happened to no technology?

This is the only exception.

I have to document my manliness for my children.

This way, they can watch it for years to come,

and... crap. I forgot the battery.

Daddy, we're bored.

I know what we can do!

We can play with my pets!

- Holy lord almighty. - Dick, you are covered in mosquitos.

I'll get you insect repellent.

- No, thanks. I'm fine. - They're not biting you?

I don't think so. They're just resting.

Huh. Okay. Well, I must say,

- I haven't had a single bug on me. - No.

- Me, either. - He's like a living bug light.

Awesome.

Just lucky, I guess.

All right. So you just go like this,

and...

And you make sure you take the hook...

- Here, let me do it. - Remember.

I'd like to try.

I wanna learn.

All right.

But be very careful, 'cause it's very sharp.

It is sharp. Wow.

You don't wanna turn the hook the wrong...

Wow, look. You just... you...

you put it right through there, huh?

You're a great teacher.

You know about everything.

I am kind of good at this stuff.

- All right, you ready, Max? Let's go. - Yep.

And just like that,

the baby bird began to fly on her own.

Can you give me a minute, Jackie?

I just set women's lib back 50 years.

Little nauseous.

Mommy, can I go play in that field over there?

Sure, baby. But there's a lot of bugs,

so take Dick with ya.

Come on, Dick.

Hey. Whatcha doin'?

Um, I'm writing down everything I would be texting Giselle

so I can catch her up when this waste of a weekend is over.

New idea... how about you try to have some fun here and now?

Uh, doing what?

I don't know. I thought maybe we could go swimming.

A lot of hype about swimming.

What's so fun about swimming?

You know, it is one of life's great mysteries.

You think it's gonna be cold and boring,

but then you get in there

and your dad puts you on his shoulders...

Oh, your dad's going swimming, too?

No. No, no. I'm just saying it's fun, you know?

You splash around...

The water feels good...

If you put your hair like this in the water

and then flip it up, you look like George wash...

it doesn't matter.

Um, it's just fun, Reggie.

No, thanks. I'd rather paper text.

Paper texting is not a thing.

You're just writing a letter!

"Think Amber preparing to menstruate.

L.O.L."

Winky face.

I gotta pee.

All right. Come on.

Hon?

Oh, have fun. We'll fish for you.

Let's go, buddy.

Okay, now, now, now, now, now! Okay, you get the hooks,

and I'll gouge their face holes.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

It's so fake and dishonest.

The crazy thing is that Marty hasn't smelled that something's up, you know?

He knows I'm not this helpless, impressed girl.

But he hasn't noticed anything.

Mommy? What are you doing?

Nothing, Abby. Nothing.

Daddy caught these fish, capisce?

Capisce.

Where's Dick?

Lying on an anthill.

He says he likes the way they tickle his back.

You know, we really should keep Dick close.

- I think I'm getting bit. - Hey, guys! You caught two!

- Really? - What?

Here, Max.

Whoa! This feels like a whale!

He's really fightin' me!

Mine isn't fighting me at all.

Reel, men! Reel! Here they come.

Bring it up. Bring it up, Max. Bring it up.

Whoa! Whoa!

I think they're already dead.

They died from exhaustion, from all the reeling!

Daddy did it!

All right, kids, huh?

Sear this into your memories!

Seart into iour memories!

It just touched me right in the mouth.

It went in my mouth. Watch out.

Do you have baby wipes, hon?

It's seared in my memory, all right.

Their blackened scales are so awful.

It reminds me of grandma.

"Remind me to tell you about my grandma's fire burial.

Miss you."

No! My texts!

I didn't even back them up!

Enough tumult.

It's ghost story time,

starring master tale teller Lawrence Bird.

It all started a long time ago

when a young man didn't listen to his father.

This rudderless boy withdrew into the woods of New Jersey,

not far from here, actually.

He then started haunting a family of campers.

Okay! Everybody!

Dinner's ready. Grab a plate.

That's great! To daddy, who provided!

Thank you.

And for mommy, for buying the fish!

- Abby. - What?

She was so fast at putting them on the hooks.

Mommy's awesome.

Capisce.

Wait. What did you do?

Dad, it's not like you were ever gonna put up the tent

or get the fire started on your own or anything.

- Max. - What?

So wait a minute... you did all of this,

- and everybody knew about it? - No.

Oh, yes. I definitely knew.

Marty. Marty!

Awkward. Okay, back to me.

The brothers knew

that one of them wouldn't make it through the night,

but who would it be?

The cute little one?

Or the larger, ungrateful one?

You burned my paper texts.

Here's the thing, dude.

There are two kinds of people in this world.

The kind who blow off everyone

the minute they get a boyfriend or girlfriend,

and the cool kind.

I guess I didn't realize you'd even miss me.

Well, I do.

So suck it.

Oh, my God!

Okay. This is happening.

This is nice.

- Okay. Hi. - Hi.

- Now what? - I don't know.

Why is this fun?

- I don't know. - Okay.

Oh, this is fun.

Reggie, you have to do it to me.

Oh, okay.

- Oh. Sorry. - It's okay.

- You cold? - A little bit.

Thanks.

We should get back.

You all look so cozy.

Dick, are you sure you want to sleep with the Weaver kids?

Oh, yes. I'm looking forward

to smelling the human sleep breath.

And I'm out.

Mommy, I'm scared.

The woods are really dark.

Ooh, honey, there's nothing to be scared of.

Seriously, Larry?

Hey.

Everybody calm down.

- Where's dad? - I hate the woods.

Okay, dad just went to walk it off.

He'll be right back, and there's nothing to hate about he woods.

They're not scary. It's filled with flowers and trees,

and little...

Oh, my God.

Bear!

Bear! Bear!

Husband, help us.

Everybody just stay calm! Back away slowly!

- Marty! - Deb, please, get everyone to the car,

and lock the doors, okay?

- Dad, be careful! - I'm okay, baby.

- Kids, are you all right? - Daddy, I'm scared!

Okay, well, I'm just gonna talk to Yogi here for a sec.

All right. Okay.

So I gotta stay big, right? Stay big.

Look near you but not directly at you.

And I have to project a calm and a dominance...

Like that.

Oh, God. Jeez.

Deb, how you doin'?

- Come on, woman! - I can't find the keys!

There's so many friggin' pockets!

Hurry up, please!

Okay. Oh, you are big.

Okay. Got a couple of pounds...

You got a couple of pounds on me.

I can see that.

Not today, buddy.

You get out of here! Get! Go on!

Get! Get! Get out of here!

Thank you.

Come on, babe!

He took nothing. Crazy.

Awesome.

That bear was as big as this van.

No. Bigger.

But not as big as daddy.

I will say it was pretty impressive, dad.

Those are real "big strong man" eyes, huh?

They are. I'm sorry I gave you the fake ones.

Good job, daddy. Good job.

My dad was the kind of man you made movies about.

The kind you told stories about.

And I always wanted to be that kind of man to my kids.

But I'm no good at camping or fishing or making things.

But I did make three amazing things

that I'm very, very proud of.

So one day, long from now, you tell that story about me.

I like that one.

You can tell people about the bear, too,

'cause it was huge.

Okay. I love you guys.

Wait, how do you...

Come on. Would...

Hon! How do you turn this thing off?

So I suppose we should, uh,

discuss my reaction to the bear...

Or as it is more formally known, the ursus americanus,

which, as you know, is an omnivore

whose diet varies greatly. Which, I'd like to point out,

means there was a very possible likelihood

that it might have eaten us.

Yes. The bear almost ate your family.

- And you ran into the woods. - And screamed like a girl.

Well, yes. Well, I worked myself up with all the ghost stories.

And it's not easy being the man of the house.

Yes. It's a real "bear."

Okay. Now don't you have some texting or toasting to do?

Now go. Go on.

My brain is still huge, though, right?

Yes, dear, it's gigantic.

I can barely handle it.

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