Original subtitles

Good morning, sunshine.

See, now this is what I call a nice, peaceful morning.

You'll never guess what we found when we went through your mail this morning.

You went through our mail?

Oh, we always go through your mail.

It's like a little mystery every day.

What will we find in the Weavers' mailbox?

Letters? Bills? Coupons?

Oh, coupons are the best.

29 cents off canned tomatoes for a limited time only.

Crazy, yo.

Okay, guys, you can't go through our mail.

A person's mail is a private thing.

Oh, yes. That's why it's placed by a stranger

in a box that's left at the end of your driveway, unattended.

Silly fools.

Okay, what'd you find in our mail?

Well, in addition to another letter from Marty's sister in rehab...

- Her roommate relapsed again. - Mm-hmm. Saw that coming.

Poor Carla.

There was also this...

A new country club is opening at a nearby golf development.

You got invited to an open house.

We got one, too.

Boo-yah!

Wait a minute. What'd you just say?

Boo-yah!

No, I meant the invitation.

From a new country club, huh?

What is going on?

I've never seen you guys this excited before.

Well, in the ten years we've been on this planet,

we've never been invited to anything.

What are you talking about?

I had you for Thanksgiving, for Christmas,

- Abby's birthday... - Well, nothing good.

Well, don't you see? This is acceptance.

This is the first time that we've been invited

to something in the larger, outside world.

Okay, guys, you do not wanna go to a country club.

It's like the last bastions of white, snobby, upper-crust society.

Oh, I see.

Few questions?

What do you mean by "white"? What do you mean by "snobby"?

What do you mean by "upper crust"?

Well, you know how every society has different social classes?

Oh, no. Not on Zabvron.

We are all equal. Some of us are very equal,

some are middle equal, and some are... barely equal at all.

They hardly deserve our scraps.

They are beneath me.

Peasants.

Okay. Well, then, in your terms,

the very equal are the upper crust,

and what you all just exhibited...

that's snobbery.

Snobbery.

What about "white"?

Well, white is... White. You know, race.

Yeah. Like I'm white,

Jackie is black,

Reggie is Asian,

- little guy here is... - Pink.

Pink. You guys know you're different races, right?

Oh, no. We took on forms that span the entire human spectrum.

We can't really tell who's what.

It all seems a little ridiculous to us, honestly.

Yes, I'm embarrassed to admit that after all this time here,

you humans look pretty much the same.

We differentiate you mostly by scent.

Mm. If I were to plug my nose, can't tell you apart.

Nope. Nothing.

Can't tell who I'm talking to.

All right. Oh, come on.

Ah, there you are.

Yeah.

Well, the rest are bills.

S01E14 The Back Nine

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Hey, babe.

I want it, Debbie.

Oh, I don't know, Marty.

The kids aren't in bed yet.

Can we pencil it in for, like, next Tuesday?

No, I'm talking about getting into the country club.

But next Tuesday does sound good,

so put me in the books for that.

Fine.

So you're serious about this?

This place looks amazing. Check this out...

it's got an outdoor year-round heated hot tub.

Can you imagine floating in warm water in the winter,

thinking about all of those people,

shoveling their driveways like a bunch of chumps?

I don't know, Marty.

You know how I feel about these kind of places.

And why are you so into it?

I've never heard you mention joining a country club before.

Because I never had the chance before.

At least let's go to the open house tomorrow and check it out.

Okay. If it means so much to you, fine.

But what are we gonna tell the Bird-Kersees?

They were so excited getting an invitation to something.

Yeah. Well, here's the thing...

I was thinking we don't tell them.

And I was also thinking, tomorrow...

not proud of this...

but we sneak out.

You know, high-school style.

Wife?

I'm sighing for effect. Please pay attention.

I'm sorry, Larry Bird. What's the matter?

Well, I suppose I'm disappointed that

that country club turned out to be such an undesirable place.

Getting that invitation made me feel

like we'd finally arrived. I felt...

special.

So I went to the library,

and it appears there's truth to what Debbie Weaver said

about humans having different races.

Really? What did you learn?

Well, there's a lot of books on the subject, so I had to skim,

but it appears that as an Asian,

I should love math, be a bad driver,

and worship either this guy

or this guy.

I vote him. He has a kind face.

And you, mother, as a black person,

depending on the source, should either be an American president,

put hot sauce on everything,

or sweep the Oscars in 2002.

That's achievable.

Father, do you think our failure to demonstrate

these ridiculous human stereotypes in the past

is the reason why we haven't been invited to more human social events?

Perhaps.

Tell me what you know about me.

You are a white anglo-Saxon protestant,

or "W.A.S.P."

W.A.S.P.?

And what do I, as a W.A.S.P., do?

Well, many things. First of all, you can't jump...

But can dance in a silly way while biting your lower lip.

You should love ugly sweaters...

Have no problem getting a bank loan,

pretend you discovered countries when people were already living there...

And you get to be called a republican.

Ooh. "Republican." I do like the sound of that.

Is there anything special a pink person is supposed to do?

I did read that your skin should burn easily in the sun.

I'm on it!

They're all inside. The coast is clear.

Jeez, Marty, we were in here for ten minutes.

We almost passed out.

Curious.

Where do you think the Weavers are going?

This place is gorgeous.

It's simply exquisite.

Okay, Marty, just because this is a fancy place

doesn't mean you need to break out the big words.

What, am I being too loquacious?

Dad...

They have a soft serve machine!

I see it, son. I see it.

Mommy, look!

Pony riding!

Oh, my God, Marty. They have child care.

I could put the kids away for hours and be a grown-up.

Fine with me.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, Marty,

but I want it. I want it bad.

Okay, Weavers, postures straight and big words on.

- No big words. - No big words.

Weavers on three.

Un, deux, trois.

Weavers, is that you?

- We followed your scent. - Hello!

Can't you hear me?

You're all staring at me like a goldfish.

All I can smell is Marty.

Definitely Marty.

I told you not to wear cologne.

It was a mistake.

Hey! Ho ho! Hey. Hey, Larry, Jackie.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, you left without telling us,

and so we were curious where you went to.

You came to the club.

This is why we have to go through your mail.

You don't tell us everything.

For example, we had to read

about Debbie's mother's recent blind date.

Set up through a friend from church.

After dinner, the guy stole her TiVo.

Will she ever find love?

Okay, great. So now you know where we are, and now you can go home.

I want to go in.

- No, no, no. - No, you don't.

- You don't wanna go in there. - It's not what it looks like.

- Yeah. - Wait.

Are you trying to dissuade us?

Why don't you want us to see this country club?

Because it's just a bunch of humans being... humans.

So we didn't think that you would feel comfortable.

Marty, I think you're forgetting

that we were invited here in the mail.

So thanks for your concern,

but it's all good, bro.

Yeah. Plus now we've learned about the different races,

we now know even more about how we're expected to act.

Wait. Where did you learn about race?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe I had a dream about it.

Black.

Yes.

Hello. I'm Jay Easterling III.

I'm on the membership committee.

Uh, are you here for the open house?

We're here to investigate the country club to see if we want to join.

I'm a republican.

I can get bank loans.

What are you talking about, Willis?

Oh, my God.

Um, well, uh, please,

uh, come in, and, uh, make yourself at home.

Uh, talk to some of the members, enjoy some food, and, uh,

hopefully, it'll be a match.

Wonderful. See, Marty? Nothing to worry about.

Family!

My skin didn't burn in the sun. I don't think I'm a pink.

What do we do?

We do what people have been doing in these kinds of clubs for generations...

we try to impress.

Use as many big words as possible.

Stupendous.

Then... and I want to be clear, children,

this is for today only...

we are gonna distance ourselves from our true friends

in an effort to further ourselves socially.

Let's do this.

We've been residing in our hidden hills abode now

for... what is it, darling? Six months? Yeah.

Hi. I'm Abigail Weaver.

How are you?

I'm black, so I love to yell things out in movies.

I don't know why, though.

Are we pinks or what?

Parking is abundant.

Marty. What are these? Eyeballs?

We just met them in the parking lot.

But I do know why the caged bird sings.

No, I don't.

Nobody knows.

Just lovely.

Okay.

It makes me think of the beautiful words

of your poet, John Keats...

"An endless fountain of immortal drink

pouring onto us from the heaven's brink."

It also make me think of poo.

All right. That's it. I'll be right back.

Can I talk to you?

Let me know what I miss.

Okay, we've got a problem.

Yes, we do. It's a little too awesome in there.

I think it's going well.

No. Honestly, Larry, it's not.

You gotta stop acting so weird, man.

I think I'm fitting in just fine.

I'm gonna tell you this as a friend...

you guys are not fitting in.

This club is never going to invite you guys to join.

And if you keep acting this way,

you're gonna hurt my family's chances of getting in.

Then why would they have invited us?

They must've thought... they didn't invite you, okay?

It's an open house.

They invite anyone who happens to own a mailbox.

Everyone's invited.

You're not special, okay?

Oh. I see.

Larry.

Everyone's invited.

I feel like I just beat a kitten to death

with a bag of puppies.

Thank you for your donation.

Excuse me, Mr. Easterling.

Can I have a sec?

- You came with the Bird-Kersees, right? - Well...

They certainly do have interesting viewpoints on things.

Well, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.

I hope that their behavior doesn't reflect negatively

on my family's chances here.

Oh. Well, this just got a little awkward.

Uh... I've been talking to some of the members,

and we're gonna ask the Bird-Kersees to join...

and not you.

How did this happen, huh?

That place was ours.

And now the Bird-Kersees are in, and we're out?

Oh! Good-bye, child care...

And fancy drinks while children are in child care.

You know what that Easterling guy told me?

Will it hurt?

Turns out that that place

is basically the most forward-thinking club in New Jersey.

They go out of their way to welcome mixed families...

Asian, black...

- Pink. - Oh, that makes it even more painful.

They're inclusive.

That's exactly the kind of club I'd want to belong to.

Oh, I hope Larry and Jackie don't find out that's the reason they were accepted.

I know. They were so proud of themselves for fitting in.

I know.

I mean, Larry was really dancing

after he got the news, wasn't he?

He almost bit through his lip.

Man, I really wanted this!

I know. I know.

But how's this?

The money we would have spent on that club,

we use to build a hot tub out back.

That way, we could still sit in warm water in the winter

and laugh at all the chumps who are shoveling their driveways.

Come on. It'll be fine.

Before you know it, you'll forget all about it.

Hi, guys. How you doing?

Looks like somebody fits in better than somebody else.

- Who could it be? - It's us!

Wife, I was going to say that. I was gonna rub it in his face.

We discussed this. It was my idea.

I'm sorry. I got excited. Go now.

I can't go now because you've ruined it.

Next thing you know, you're going to ruin

my whole guest pass bit. Oh, right!

Since you can't get into the club on your own,

Larry Bird was going to offer you a guest pass

- so he can really rub it in. - Woman!

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Go ahead.

Do your thing.

The only way you can get into the club

is if you use one of our guest passes.

Better be an awesome hot tub.

Let's go to the club.

Oh! Hi!

Ooh! Come on.

Hello. My God, that's a big hat.

It's our hot tub.

Well, you can put the hot tub hat away,

because I just heard from Mr. Easterling

that a spot could be opening up at the club.

Seriously?

Yes. An elderly couple has just been diagnosed with walking pneumonia.

They may not survive,

so... pip-pip. Come along.

Marty, don't.

You know he's up to something. Let it go, all right?

You didn't get into the club. It's over.

I don't want it to be over.

It's not over.

It's far from over.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Larry, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me...

do they really want to see Marty at that club?

- Well, I... - And before you answer, I want you to think

of how you really don't know me that well

and how I might be capable of doing...

anything.

He's lying! Damn it, boy!

He just wanted to trick Marty to the club so he could slap a guest pass on him

- and take a picture. - Hold the line, people!

We were winning here!

We could have made fun of Marty for weeks!

Say it with me. Come on.

You know what, Larry? I'm gonna whup your ass!

Well, whup away, little man!

Don't you guys fight with your legs?

Okay, enough.

You wanna know why he wants it so bad?

Why he's jumping at any bait you're throwing his way?

Honey, you don't have to explain.

Because he is from South Bayonne,

and that is the worst part of Bayonne.

Bayonne!

Okay, honey, easy on Bayonne.

And the people like the people at that club looked down on him,

made him wonder if he was good enough,

if he'd ever fit in.

It's really about the pool.

So he used big words and he tried to impress,

never realizing that who and what he was is so special already

that he doesn't have to prove himself to anyone,

not even himself.

Oh, Marty Weaver...

Yeah.

- I'm gonna hug him. - Yeah. You don't have to do... okay.

- Yeah. All right. - Yeah, we could do that.

Doesn't anybody care that my feelings might be hurt, too?

I mean, I might be lashing out just because I was stung,

because my best friend on this planet

didn't think we were good enough.

All right, Larry.

Come on. Bring it in.

Bring it in. Come on.

- Right here. - Hug it out.

- Give it. - There you go.

Get it. That's it. Okay.

See, this is exactly why I hate country clubs.

They make some people feel like they belong

and other people like they don't belong.

Perhaps we should resign.

No, no, no, no. Don't do that.

It's, uh, actually a great club,

and you're great people.

- They're lucky to have you. - Thank you, Marty.

To my complete surprise, that means a lot.

Enjoy it, guys. It's a great place.

And the fact that they overlooked all your weird behavior

and took you in anyway because you're...

No. No.

What do you mean, took us in anyway?

- It doesn't matter. - What doesn't matter?

Is there a reason other than our greatness

that they asked us to join?

Well... it's a good thing. They're progressive,

and they want to include people of different races and backgrounds.

It was just a minor fact that got you over the hump...

- I know. I think it... - where did Larry Bird go?

All right, come on. Let's get in the van.

Larry! Come on, Larry!

Larry, this is ridiculous! Where are you going?

I'm a man on fire!

Husband, please. Enough of this.

Larry, come on! This is a van.

You're in a golf cart.

You're not gonna run me off the road in a golf cart.

So we were not worthy, after all?

Mr. Bird!

We were chosen just to fill some quota.

Well... we will not be your token mixed family.

What? Clearly, you're not the token mixed anything.

- Nearly half of the membership is... - Silence.

The Weavers weren't able to join your club

simply because they're an upper-middle-class

white family, and that's revolting.

Haven't upper-middle-class white families been through enough?

We came here to this land knowing no one.

And it occurs to me that the Weavers,

for all their screaming and yelling,

were the first ones to accept us.

And I don't know what a Bayonne is,

but if that's where they're from, it must be a pretty magical place.

No, it's not.

And I don't know what sort of joint you're running here, Buster,

but here's what I do know...

if I had a club,

I'd be putting an invitation in their mailbox

every day until they came.

And until the day when well-to-do white folk

have the same chances as everyone else,

my family quits.

- Family, come on. - Yes. Oh, sorry.

I... his heart was in the right place, I think.

Let's get the hell out of here before someone calls the N.A.A.C.P.

Right.

Hello, Debbie Weaver.

Jeez!

Dick Butkus, what are you doing here?!

It's, like, 2:00 in the morning.

Sometimes I come here to think.

You do?

I either sit here in the kitchen

or go upstairs and take a shower.

Everything okay?

Well, I don't know who I am.

There's a lot of that going around.

I'm not a pink,

or a W.A.S.P. or Asian or black.

I wanna be judged by who I am on the outside, too.

Listen, sweetie.

None of us can change who we are on the outside.

So what's really important

is who we are on the inside.

Actually, I can change who I am on the outside.

Dick, no! No, please!

Hola.

Didn't know you could do that.

I'm going to bed.

Adios.

Buenas noches.

Ay, Debbie Weaver.

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