Original subtitles

My name is Debbie Weaver.

This is my family.

This is our old apartment in Bayonne, New Jersey.

My husband Marty got us a deal on a town house...

nicer neighborhood, wider streets.

Just one little problem...

our neighbors are all from another planet...

Literally.

Look at this, Marty.

There's so much to volunteer for.

We could make a real difference at this school.

This is boring. Humans are boring.

Larry Bird is underwhelmed.

Well, why don't you find something that interests you?

Yeah, like, I think we're gonna join the P.T.A.

(Breathes deeply)

- What? What was that? - I don't know. The P.T.A.?

I mean, maybe this year we should volunteer for different things.

You know? I could coach soccer.

(Scoffs) Oh, coaching.

- Okay, what was that? - I love when you coach. Love it.

Well, you talk about making a difference.

Well, coaching is it.

What's better than molding young minds

through organized athletics, right?

- Oh, that sounds interesting. - Come on, Marty.

It's you blowing a whistle while a bunch of kids

run across a field like a herd of confused cattle.

It's hardly Manchester United.

What does this, uh, P.T.A. do exactly?

- It helps the school... - Bake sales.

Bake sales are a small part of it.

It's also a chance to install an arts program.

Yeah, and get mired in bickering and petty politics.

Bickering and petty politics? Oh, that sounds delightful.

Just like zabvronian council.

Wife, I think I will join Debbie Weaver on this T.P.A.,

- and you can coach soccer with Marty. - Oh, excellent!

Now hold on. Do you even know anything about sports?

Oh, yes. I was nothing exceptional as a child,

but sports gave me some much-needed self-esteem.

I was hoping that our little Dick might follow in my footsteps.

(Dick Butkus, groaning) Why are you fighting me?

(Groaning)

(Ball bounces) (Sighing)

Good luck, coach. (Pats back)

S01E11 The Gingerbread Man

Sync by ninh www.addic7ed.com

(clicks tongue)

Well, this is boilerplate stuff.

You say this is similar to your Zabvronian council?

You should have no trouble keeping up.

- Where's your butcher of hope? - Hmm?

Tall chap, wears a dark hood to mask his eternal sorrow.

Puts an end to debates.

How can you have a proper meeting without a butcher of hope?

Maybe skim this.

The next item on the agenda is the bake sale for the new soccer uniforms.

Now, after giving it a lot of thought,

I've decided we'll sell brownies.

All in favor?

Ooh! Excuse me. I'm Debbie Weaver,

- Max and Abby's mom. - Hello, Debbie.

I don't know your children, but I'm sure you've taught them

how rude it is to interrupt someone.

Oh. Fun.

Well, uh, okay. I have a couple of ideas.

Back at our old school in Bayonne,

we made gingerbread cookies for the bake sale,

and we decorated them like the soccer team,

and the kids loved 'em.

And we ended up making a lot of m... (Gavel bangs)

Money.

We made...

it was a lot of... (Gavel bangs)

They were... delicious.

(Whispering) The president has become your butcher of hope.

- Nothing good can come of this. - (Under breath) Just zip it!

Thank you, Debbie.

I'm sure in Bayonne, you used what you had,

and I admire that, but we have different standards here.

So we'll be making brownies.

This is ridiculous! Marty was right.

The P.T.A. Is just petty politics. Let's go.

(Normal voice) We shall do no such thing.

This woman is not only attacking your idea,

she's attacking your very being, your way of life, your children.

I think she just likes brownies.

Excuse me.

According to your guidelines,

any decisions regarding fund-raising

must be voted upon by the entire group.

Therefore, I move we vote...

gingerbread men or brownies?

I second the motion. (Women murmuring)

Fine. Next week, you'll have your vote.

- What do we do now? - Divide and conquer.

When Linda's not around, it'll be easier to convince them.

We'll go after them separately.

Ooh! Pick 'em off one by one.

Yes, and together, we shall rule the galaxy.

- What? - What?

(Children shouting) (Marty) Keep moving, guys!

Keep it going! Pass the ball!

Nice work, Dick. Way to get a piece of that ball.

It's a great job.

I'm confused. I'm very confused.

It would appear that Dick is not doing a great job.

In fact, I would say that he is the worst player on the team,

and yet you keep lying about his performance.

Listen, Jackie, coaching's about positive reinforcement.

Okay, let's face it, kid's never gonna be David Beckham.

(Scoffs) We almost named him David Beckham.

As a matter of fact, I think with some practice,

Dick could be the greatest soccer player the world has ever seen.

Yeah, not so much.

I would lower those expectations... a lot.

Well, maybe he could at least grow up to look like David Beckham.

Mm, nope.

But if we encourage him, he'll probably have a good time.

Come on, guys, keep it going! Move it along!

Get the ball, dick!

Ow! (Grunts) Ow!

That's it! Way to go, Dick!

You almost made contact that time, buddy!

Thanks. Felt great, coach. Ow!

(Scoffs)

Yeah, not David Beckham.

Remember, you are stronger than these women, Debbie Weaver.

They must do your bidding or feel your wrath.

Oh, thanks, Larry. You know, it's nice to have a man supporting me on this.

Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Yes, but I thought that was on purpose.

Hi... Elizabeth.

I'm sorry to bother you at home,

but we were wondering if you had a few minutes

to talk about the bake sale.

I really haven't thought much about it.

I usually just vote with Linda, but I'll let you know.

Elizabeth, Debbie Weaver has spent all morning

putting lipstick on her teeth to come talk to you.

I insist you hear her out.

He's very passionate about the P.T.A.

Okay. (Breathing nervously)

But the last time I voted against Linda,

my daughter didn't have a playdate for, like, a year.

She's kinda chunky. She needs all the friends she can get.

And that's why this is so important,

- because the P.T.A. is about everyone. - Everyone.

Not just one person.

Yes, today it's about cookies.

Tomorrow it's banning your potbellied daughter from the yearbook.

Elizabeth, mother to mother,

we can't let Linda get away with this.

(Exhales) Come in.

(Under breath) Excellent.

Plus gingerbread cookies have fewer calories than brownies.

I know you like to feed your kids healthy foods.

I know you have a blog about it, yeah.

Listen, Tracy, I gotta start making dinner.

Can I count on your vote?

Yeah? Great! Thanks! Oh! (Door closes)

(Telephone beeps) Whoo-hoo!

(Laughing)

Oh, dear lord, those shorts.

Yeah, they still fit.

Do they?

- How was your practice? - It was awesome.

You know what? I really feel like I'm starting to make a difference.

How about you? How is your little, uh, cookie thing coming?

It's not a little cookie thing, Marty, okay?

I'm fighting to keep the P.T.A. democratic.

- Right. With gingerbread man. - That's right.

I mean, I'm not chasing little kids around in lady pants all day, but...

Okay, hold on, hold on. I'm not chasing kids around in lady pants, okay?

I'm creating lifelong memories.

All right, you know what? I'm sorry.

I'm glad that you are enjoying coaching.

I just think it was a good decision for us

- to do separate things. - Yeah, it was a great decision,

and I'm happy that you're enjoying the P.T.A.

Well, I'm happy you're happy I'm enjoying the P.T.A.

Whew.

So, tell me, Debbie Weaver,

does gingerbread man taste the same as regular man?

- No. - Oh!

Hello, Debbie.

Out seeing how the other half lives?

Hi, Linda.

Don't tell me you're still trying to drum up support

- for your gingerbread cookies? - We are.

And we've just acquired the necessary votes

to overrule your brownie mandate, so take that, lady.

You know, I've been president of the P.T.A. for a long time,

and I've seen your type come and go.

You move to the suburbs

and bring the bad ideas from the city with you.

Well, I'm not gonna let that happen here, okay?

Great. Beep-beep.

Ow! (Seethes)

Ow, God.

(Baby crying)

Wow. She's really into the P.T.A.

Maybe we should just let her do what she wants.

Absolutely not.

I have a plan that will guarantee us victory.

Yeah? Okay.

But don't do anything weird.

(Scoffs) You're weird.

(Electricity crackling)

(Door opens)

Good evening, husband.

Oh, hello, wife.

Oh, you look troubled. What's the matter?

(Sighs)

Dick had soccer practice today.

And he was really quite awful, but Marty Weaver

kept on telling him he was doing a good job.

He called it "positive reinforcement."

Oh, these humans and their "everyone's special" baloney.

Have fun sucking hind teat to the rest of the universe, losers.

Uh, I'm very concerned that if dick is a poor athlete,

he'll lack self-esteem and fail to grow up

to be a strong, confident black woman like his mother.

I found myself in sport. I was hoping he would, too.

Well, you might need to take more control of the situation.

These humans are surprisingly soft. They must be pushed into action.

You know what's best for your son.

You must be fierce and take no prisoners.

(Sighs)

- Ooh, I don't know, husband. - Yes, you can do this.

Be fierce and take no prisoners.

Say it with me.

- Be fierce and take no prisoners. - Fierce and prisoners... no... I... sorry.

Well, it's close enough.

And if all else fails, we can always install a performance chip in Dick's brain.

Oh... (Laughs) Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Ohh!

- Thanks, Boo. - Welcome, Snookems.

Mmm. (Door closes)

(Exhales)

(creaks)

Reggie Jackson, are you in position?

(Door squeaks)

Yes, father. Target acquired.

Activate gingerbread device.

Understood.

(high-pitched voice) Linda?

Oh, Linda?

Hi, Linda!

Linda?

Hello?

Is somebody there?

(Shower running)

Who's there?

(High-pitched voice) Linda!

Is somebody here?

Hello, Linda.

Aah!

(High-pitched screaming)

Aah!

(High-pitched screaming and laughing)

(Thud)

The next... (Clears throat)

The next item on the age-agenda...

- (rattling) What was that?! - What was what?

(Lowered voice) She seems so nervous.

- I think she knows we got the votes. - (Lowered voice) Perhaps.

Or... perhaps she's suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder

from something I may or may not have made happen at her house last night.

What did you do?

I defeated her.

Where I'm from, we wage war through psychological destruction.

Our goal is to mentally crush our enemies

until they can no longer function in society.

I just wanted gingerbread cookies.

And gingerbread cookies you shall have.

(Normal voice) Excuse me.

I have a question regarding the bake sale.

(Pants) Stay away from me, gingerbread man!

(Screaming)

(Women murmuring)

The P.T.A. is yours, Debbie Weaver.

Well... crap.

I know you're tired, Dick,

but this is for your own good.

Thank you, mother. You were right.

The pain in my side did eventually go numb.

Hey! What's going on?

We're running motivational laps. This is 310.

I'm doing what I must to protect my son.

I don't want him to have the same childhood I did.

(Children shouting) (Blows whistle)

Let's go, team! Come on!

Gather round! Bring it in!

Listen, tomorrow is our first game, okay?

And if we go out there and we do the best we can

and we have some fun, I think we can win!

No, no, no, no, no.

We can win, but we won't. (Sighs)

And why not?

(Voice breaking) Because there is a weak link among us.

It's you, Dick Butkus.

Your weaknesses are simply too strong to overcome.

- And therefore you are off the team. - What?

Your assessment of my abilities is blunt but precise.

I shall take my leave.

You can't kick him off the team.

Oh, well, he's the weakest,

and I must be fierce and take no prisoners.

It will motivate him to work harder.

Okay, well, I'm the coach, and I say that he stays.

Fine. You're off the team, Marty.

You can't kick me off! (Laughing) I'm the coach!

Team, loyalty vote.

Would you rather follow me to victory

or coach Weaver to certain defeat?

(Sighs) Choose now!

Max?

Come on, dad! Look at her in those shorts!

I just got puberty.

(Boys) Yeah.

Look on the bright side, coach.

You also look good in your shorts.

(Laughter)

See?

Positive reinforcement doesn't really work.

(Whistle blows)

(Sighs)

How was practice?

Jackie made me cry.

Because she made me feel so good about myself...

Which I do. I feel really good about me.

You know, 'cause I'm making such a difference, you know?

What about you? How's the bake sale coming?

Awesome. Excellent. Also making a difference.

With Larry Bird, the P.T.A. is all mine.

Literally.

Yeah.

All right, well, I'm gonna go take a shower.

I'm gonna go bake the cookies.

But I feel really good about myself

- 'cause I'm making a difference. - Well, I'm even gladder

that I'm making more of a difference, so...

Jackie was right about my thighs.

Where are the minions to make our cookies?

I'm here to motivate their labor.

The minions quit, Larry. Every single one of 'em.

They all think you're a dangerous lunatic,

- and I agree with them. - Oh! Short-sighted fools.

They're obviously not worthy of your leadership.

(Utensil clacking) You're better off without them.

Well, I would disagree, since now you and I...

have to make 200 gingerbread cookies

by tomorrow morning by ourselves.

What?

Oh, no, I can't.

I have a, um, a work thing which I have to att...

- No, you don't. - No, I don't.

- My cat just died. - Sit.

Let's get cooking.

(Dick Butkus screaming and grunting)

(Gasps and grunts)

(Inhales and exhales sharply)

Hey, Dick, what are you doing?

(Exhales)

I'm practicing so that I might return to the team

and regain my mother's respect.

So far, it's been a total disaster.

Well, you know, sometimes parents take sports a little too seriously.

And the truth is, I think this might be

more about your mom than you.

But you must admit, by all metrics,

I am a pretty bad athlete.

Oh, the worst. But that doesn't mean

that your mother isn't proud of you.

I think you're a lot like she was at this age,

and sports really helped her with her self-esteem.

And she just wants that same thing for you.

But I'm not lacking self-esteem.

Why would I be? I mean, look at me.

Who else do you think could pull off this look?

Wow, not many.

You're a good kid, Dick Butkus.

Why don't you go get your uniform on?

We're gonna go get you back on that team.

(Woman shouts indistinctly)

(Crowd cheering and chanting indistinctly)

Two, four, six, eight!

Two, four, six, eight! Two, four, six, eight!

Dick?

(Cheering continues)

Win at all costs.

Be fierce. Take no prisoners.

I don't miss my son at all.

(Blows whistle)

Gingerbread cookies!

Help the soccer team buy new uniforms.

They're yummy.

They can't taste worse than they look.

You know, in spite of everything, I think this was quite a victory.

Do you? Do you, Larry?

We've sold zero cookies.

Alienated the parents of all our kids' friends,

drove a woman crazy,

and made the worst gingerbread cookies

in the history of mankind.

So, why? Why, Larry?

Well, because I actually thought you had some pretty good ideas

about arts programs and teacher evaluation.

And if anyone ever asks, I shall deny it, but...

If I had to have a human woman

guiding my children's education,

I'd be very happy if it were you, Debbie Weaver.

You are a good human woman.

That is actually a very sweet thing to say, Larry.

- Please don't be weird. - No, you're weird.

- Okay, well, this is weird. - It is.

(Boy shouts indistinctly)

Go, go!

Hello, coach mother.

Hello, son.

Marty, what are you doing on my field?

You need to put Dick in the game.

No, I can't.

Oh, come on, Jackie. This isn't you.

I know you're worried about Dick's self-esteem,

but you don't have to be. Dick is a great kid!

Look at him. He's smart, he's compassionate.

Huh? He's cute.

And once I learn a couple of bulletproof "knock-knock" jokes,

- I'll be the total package. - (Laughs) You see that?

I mean, I don't know an adult who's that confident.

I just worry.

(Sighs) Kids can be so cruel to unique children.

Although you are really quite remarkable.

(Laughs) Okay.

("Adulthood" by Jukebox the ghost playing)

Here you go, buddy. Put these on.

Ooh... (Sighs)

You are a good coach, Marty Weaver.

- I'm okay. - Mm.

™� I go outside

♺ Ask the air if it would like to hide ♺

Nice try, Dick!

No, it wasn't.

Larry Bird! Say something encouraging!

- Fine. - Honestly.

- Your hair looks great, son! - Yes!

- He gets that from you. - Thank you. Yes, he does.

- Oh, God, he's terrible. - I know.

™� No one survives (Latch clicking)

Hey.

Can I buy a cookie?

I wouldn't. Unless you like the taste of failure.

You know, this is why we should do this stuff together,

because I think we make a pretty good team.

Oh, come on. We make a great team.

(Clears throat) You know, I've been told that I'm a fantastic coach.

(Crunches loudly) Well, I've been told that I'm a pretty good human woman, so...

(Marty) Mm.

- How did you do it? - Hi, Linda. Do what?

The gingerbread man... it was alive!

I don't know how, but it was alive.

You know, I think you're just stressed out from the drama of everything.

There's no such thing as a living gingerbread man, Linda.

Oh. Really?

(Jackie) Get the ball, Dick!

(High-pitched voice) I'm running as fast as I can!

Aah!

She's a little jumpy.

Yeah, a little high-strung.

Ow!

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