Original subtitles

(Katie Herzig) hey, na na, hey, na na

Morning, Juan! Morning, Juan.

hey, na na, hey, hey

Hi, Juan!

Hello, Juan!

Another Saturday he returns. (grunts)

(sizzling)

Whoo, baby.

Greetings, Juan the garden maker,

bringer of flowers,

- cutter of grass. - Max, your burger's ready when you are.

Oh, no, thanks. Juan's gonna teach me how to mow!

(laughs) He loves Juan.

Oh, Juan's the best.

I'm telling you, Larry, you aliens are missing out, man.

The bacon cheeseburger is one of the finest joys of life.

You humans are just monkeys in tennis shoes.

- Larry, what would happen if you ate food? - I have no idea.

Zabvronians' bodies are extremely sensitive.

What are you, afraid? (scoffs)

- You're afraid. - Oh! Marty...

- Bok-bok-bok-bok-bok-caw! - I am a higher life form.

- Taunts and threats have no effect on me. - (high-pitched voice) Larry's afraid.

- Larry's a... - (scoffs) Give it here!

No, I don't like it.

(sighs)

(panting)

Great run!

I still don't understand why we did it.

(panting)

To look good!

But you look terrible, like the worst I've ever seen.

Okay. Thanks for that.

(chuckles) No?

Oh... You know what?

I think I'm gonna take a bath.

There's nothing like stripping down

to what you were born with and having a good, hot soak.

It really relaxes the muscles.

Well, my muscles are not sore.

Would it kill you to act like they were?

(breathing heavily) Ouch.

I know, right? (groans)

Stripping down to what I was born with.

(turns water on)

(whistling)

(water running)

(electricity crackling, splash)

(gasps)

Wife!

Marty Weaver made me eat a cow!

(thud)

Wife! I demand an audience!

I'm upstairs, Larry Bird!

Oh. Uh, Juan?

When you're done lying motionless on the ground,

perhaps you could come round the front

and water the shrubbery. It's a bit dry.

Juan?

S01E10 Juan of the Dead

Sync by ninh www.addic7ed.com

I called 9-1-1. They're on their way.

Good. Now what the hell, guys? This is really weird!

I know, right? We tried to get his attention,

but we don't speak spanish.

Oh, my god, don't touch the body! You never touch the body!

Well, I think it's a little late for that.

Guys, Juan isn't ignoring you.

He's... You know.

Dead.

- Dead? - Dead.

- Dead. - Well, make him stop.

- We can't. - Why not?

Okay, you know what?

Marty, the kids could come in any second! We have a dead man on our sofa!

He can't stay! I'm sorry, Juan.

Oh, poor Juan. He's gotta go!

Hold on a second, 'cause I find this fascinating.

Do you guys not know what death is?

Of course we do. Since taking human form,

- we die every night for six hours. - Preferably eight.

And in the morning, we un-die, refreshed.

- Sometimes I die after mating with Jackie. - I die during.

- I see. - Sleep! You're talking about sleep!

This is death, the end of life! Jackie, stop touching Juan!

Okay... Listen up, guys.

For humans, death is it the end!

It's like a light burning out that never comes back!

Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Juan.

Thanks for letting me ride in your cart.

(spanish accent) No problemo!

(whispers, normal accent) oh, my god!

Yep, I did that.

(siren wails)

Good-bye, Juan.

I don't know why we're waving. He can't see us.

Because it's sad. He was a sweet man.

Yeah, he was. (sighs)

(clicks tongue and sighs)

Guess we should go break the news to Max.

Ugh.

Ohh, I don't want to, either.

But Max loved Juan.

You know, they spent a lot of time together.

Juan let him help with the watering,

pulling the weeds, emptying the mower bag.

You ever think Juan might have been using our son for free labor?

Marty, this is a big deal, okay?

I mean, Max knows about death,

but he's never had anyone close to him pass away.

He has all of his grandparents. He's never lost a pet.

I mean, not one that he knows of.

Yeah, we did pull off that impressive hermit crab switcheroo.

Wait a minute. Do you think that we could possibly...

- Marty. - Right. That's a bad idea. Yeah.

Okay, we can do this, you know?

We'll just sit him down, have a conversation like we did

with Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Larry Bird.

- That went well, right? - Yeah.

(screaming)

(screaming and sobbing)

(sobbing)

(shouts indistinctly)

(gasps)

Ah, there you are.

Larry, what the hell is going on?

Oh, I explained death to the community,

and they asked specifically when it happens,

and I had to confess that I did not know,

and it caused a bit of a panic.

Maybe you can clear things up?

Well, actually, we need to talk to Max.

Excellent. Community!(whistles)

Your attention! (sobbing continues)

Marty Weaver will now explain how death comes...

At a prearranged moment,

when you're physically and mentally prepared,

and it's always reasonable, fair, and painless.

Marty.

(sighs) Okay, here's the thing.

It's doesn't come at a prearranged moment, okay?

And you're never prepared, and it is never painless.

(Zabvronians gasp)

Maybe you could answer some questions.(gasping)

(Marty) Yeah, okay, fine.

But just a couple. Uh, you, the indian one?

Are we going to die?

I don't know. The third from left, the pants too high?

How do you go on, Knowing you're going to die? What's the point?

(sighs) The point is to enjoy life while you can and not think about when it's going to end.

It's called denial.

You... up front, little man-woman?

What is this denial?

Well, it's keeping yourself busy,

distractions... you know, food, shopping, alcohol,

So you don't have to think about things.

Yeah, yeah, take me, for instance, okay?

Over half my family had heart attacks.

- Does that ever cross my mind? - Not once! (laughs)

Instead, he plays computer poker and eats cheeseburgers with reckless abandon.

Yeah, my heart's so bad,

- it practically whistles when it beats. - It does?

(lowered voice) Well, I just want to put their mind at ease.

- So just go with me. - Oh. Okay.

(normal voice) I mean, honestly, if I keep stuffing my face like this,

it'll be a miracle if I'm even around in five years.

Look, basically, I'm a dead man walking,

and I'm okay with it.

And he's okay with it.

- I'm gonna die. (pops) Big whoop. - Big whoop.

You're gonna die?!

Oh, Max, we were going to talk to you about this.

(Marty grunts) Not about daddy, about Juan.

(voice breaking) There's something wrong with Juan?

Well, um...

Oh, my gosh! (screaming)

- Max! - Oh!

I can't believe Juan died.

I don't want daddy to die, too.

Honey, that is not going to happen.

Yeah, I only said I had a whistling heart to make the aliens feel better.

But Juan died.

That's true, but Juan was very old.

He was...

- Debbie, how old was he? - 45.

45?! Oh, my god,

He spent a lot of time in the sun.

Only old people die?

- No. - Yes.

- Yes. - No.

But if you guys die,

I'll be all alone.

Hey, what if I promised you

that we all die at exactly the same time?

Would that make you feel better, sport?

Are you nuts?

How would that make me feel better?

Did you just promise our son a murder/suicide pact?

I'm regretting the choice.

(doorbell rings) (sighs)

Honey, you don't have to worry about any of this.

Nobody's going to die.

You're all going to die.

(door closes) What the hell was that? We got a freaked-out kid in there.

So sorry to bother you,

but we've come to terms with your eventual demise,

and we are here to say farewell.

Appreciate that, Jackie, But you're being a little ridiculous.

We are being ridiculous?

You're the ones that are so accepting of death!

Fight it! Solve the problem!

I've been a problem solver my entire life.

I'm great at checkers. I own tetris. It's simple math.

You're capable of being alive. You die.

You should be capable of being alive again.

It's not a solvable problem.

The fact is that we were all rather taken by surprise

by Juan's passing. (chuckles)

We don't want that to happen again,

so we must protect ourselves from future hurt.

So we're thinking of becoming friends with things that don't die,

Like goldfish or dogs.

Did you guys do any research before you came to this planet?

- I'm just wondering. - You know what? I got an idea.

Marty, do you know where they're having Juan's funeral?

Yes, because I have a direct feed of all funeral information that goes right into my head.

Ah! Okay, you know what, heart whistle?

Let's lose the smart-ass remarks, okay?

It'll be a good thing.

They need to process what has happened.

And they're not the only ones.

Tell me something...

How do you know about tetris, but you don't know about death?

(bell tolls) All right, now before we go in,

remember, this is a somber event, okay?

- So a few ground rules... - A question!

Why are we dressed like this?

I don't know. I specifically told larry

not to dress that way. He insisted.

I was told this was a celebration of Juan's life.

We Zabvronians always dress appropriately for a celebration.

Okay, well, yeah, my bad.

I did use the term "celebration of life."

I did not mean a luau.

Well, I fell silly.

But okay, you know, it shows that you care,

and that's what this is about...

Giving the people who knew Juan

an opportunity to express how important he was to them,

and then letting those people know that even though Juan is gone,

he will live in their hearts forever.

(organ music playing)

So where are all these people In whose hearts Juan will live forever?

Excuse me.

Do we have the wrong time? Where is everyone?

Mr. Salgado's wife passed several years ago,

and his only family is a cousin who lives in new brunswick

But couldn't make the trip.

New Brunswick?

That's, like, an hour away.

They weren't close.

Juan's death reminds us how short life is.

But it also reminds us how precious every moment can be...

So tell me about the wooden boat.

Shh.

(whispering) It's not a boat. It's a coffin. It's where Juan's body is buried.

(lowered voice) And is part of the ceremony taking the boat to a lake to sail it about?

Again, not a boat.

(lowered voice) It actually gets buried in the ground.

So you bury the people you love,

but a moose you just met you stuff and mount on a wall?

He makes a good point.

This is a good time for anyone who knew Juan

to share some words.

(normal voice) I'd like to say something.

(exhales)

Juan was important to us.

Although we did not know him for a long time,

he kept our gardens beautiful,

and he was sweet to us, and we will miss him.

Juan was one of the first people we met when we moved here.

At first we thought he was attached to his machine,

sort of a half-man, half-mower.

(laughter)

He once ran over my foot.

Oh, yeah. (laughs) It hurt!

(laughter)

I'm sorry, guys. I just feel that the energy expended here will be better spent

trying to solve this death thing.

This is for you, Juan. (sizzling)

It can't be harder than tetris level seven.

Are you kidding me?

(amplified voice) What is it with airplane food?

Aren't forks weird?

Juan was like the father I never had.

- What? - Oh.

Let us sing to him the song we all know.

I've been working on the railroad

all the live-long day

(all) I've been working on the railroad

just to pass the time away

(singing fades)

(sighs) If you're sad, Max, it's okay.

Men can cry.

You've seen daddy watch the mets.

Thank you, Debbie Weaver.

You were right. We do feel better.

Oh.

- How about you, buddy? You feel better? - Yeah.

I mean, it's sad, but as long as I can remember him,

maybe it's okay I won't get to see him again.

(Larry Bird) Good news, everyone.

I figured out how to beat death.

Juan has returned.

He bought our gardener back from the dead.

Yes, I did.

I don't understand.

All you need to know is, Larry Bird 1, death 0.

I know I complain a lot about living in this cul-du-wack,

but this is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Is Juan dead or alive?

- Dead. - Alive.

- Dead. - Alive.

Husband, I'm not quite sure how I feel about this.

Maybe it's just me, but Juan seems a little bit...

Different.

(sputtering and whirring)

No, no, he's as good as new.

Really? Is that what you think?

(whirring continues)

What's our policy on facebooking this?

Hey, what's everyone looking at?

- A ladybug! - Can I see?

No! Flew away!

Amber, I know you want to play dollies with Abby,

your mother says, not asking, but commanding.

Ah, yes. Why bear witness to a resurrection

when there are dolls to be played with?

Larry, what the hell did you do to him?

What does it matter? He's back.

I thought when someone died, you never saw them again.

- Hold on a second, Max. - I'm confused.

Honey, mommy and daddy are trying to fix something.

- Fixed it! - Somebody answer me!

This is not natural, Larry.

Well, neither is most of the food that you eat,

- but you seem to enjoy that. - (whirring stops) He's got a point.

- Don't bring my food into this! - You eat like an animal.

Hey, Juan.

I'm confused about a bunch of things.

Will you answer some questions?

Are you dead? Did you meet god?

Did you go to heaven?

Did it hurt? Was it dark?

Did you see my hermit crab?

My parents say it's the same one,

but I'm suspicious.

(lawn mower whirring) Does everyone die?

Does no one die? You died.

Is my dad going to die?

Okay, Larry, I know tempers are high,

but it is not appropriate to call my husband a poopy-head.

- Well, he is. - I am not.

- Are, too. - Larry, you have to put Juan back the way he was.

Look, I have solved the problem of death.

- Accept it as a gift. - Larry Bird, you need to tell them the truth.

- What is the truth? - That your husband is a poopy-head.

Larry Herbert Walker Bird!

He hasn't solved anything. He doesn't even know how he did it.

I do know how I did it!

I just can't do it again. (Jackie Joyner-Kersee sighs)

Larry, what are you talking about?

Before I came to this planet, my father gave me one vial of medicine,

and he told me, should the worst happen, only then should I use it.

And I didn't know what he was talking about until Juan died.

Larry, you only had one, and you used it on Juan?

- You used it on Juan? - It just happened!

I was... (sighs) standing next to Juan's coffin boat...

- Again, not a boat. - Not the time.

And this indescribable wave of emotion came over me, and...

Oh, Larry, it's called sadness.

It's natural.

- Just what came after was not. - No, I didn't feel sad.

I felt powerless.

Yes.

I, the great Larry Bird,

powerless.

(breathes deeply)

Really? Nothing?

- Powerless, yeah. - Shocking. I can't believe it. Wow.

The thing is,

my husband and I still don't quite understand how these bodies work.

Since taking human form, we now sleep.

What if we now also... die?

Oh.

Okay. Mm.

Excuse me. Young Max Weaver is sitting on your roof.

What?

(door opens)

Max, what are you doing up there?!

Nobody will talk to me.

I'm confused. I have questions. And I'm 8.

I want to talk to mommy now.

(Debbie) All right, Max, mommy's coming.

(crickets chirping)

Hey. You guys okay? You've been out here a long time.

Max and I have been hanging.

Uh-huh.

Talking about how all this has been confusing and how...

death is confusing.

But he's calmer now.

And I told him that tonight he can ask us

anything he wants to about all of this,

and that we would try to answer truthfully, even if it's sad.

Yeah? That make you feel better, kiddo?

Yeah.

Okay, so why don't you head on inside,

you get ready for bed,

and then we'll come in and we'll have a nice, long conversation about death,

and then it's off to dream land.

Hmm. (kisses)

- See you in there, buddy. - Just be careful. Okay.

All right. Ready? On 3. 1, 2, 3!

Oopsie-daisy!

Oy.

You okay?

Marty, I don't like that you eat cheeseburgers every day,

and that you make jokes about your whistling heart.

I don't want you to end up like Juan

before Larry got to him... or after, for that matter.

All right, listen to me, okay? (sighs)

There's something that you need to know.

I'm not going anywhere.

It would take a team of navy S.E.A.L.S.

with a team of real seals

to drag me away from you and the kids.

Okay?

Okay. But promise me you'll try to eat a salad every once in a while,

and maybe you'll jog with me.

I cross my whistling heart. (groans)

Okay, that's not even funny. I'gonna m op saying that.

Last time. Okay. (kisses)

(man) Sit in the dark and tell me your secrets

It starts in my head, always teasing

Turn the key and lock the cellar door

You okay?

You've been out here ever since you put Juan in the shed for the night.

(inhales) I'm fine.

Okay.

(sighs) You know, I get you.

I mean, sometimes the best thing you can do after a crazy day like this

is just sit on the curb

and let the night wash over you.

Marty, I don't know if you... (sighs)

It's just...

I've always been able to solve any problem.

And we were prepared for some uncertainty

when we came to this planet.

And my children really don't know this world.

And...

if anything should happen

to Jackie and me...

Not that it can or will, but as a father, it...

Hey. Hey.

Your children will be taken care of.

Okay?

Thank you.

(sighs)

You should probably know that

if anything happens to you and Debbie, Jackie and I...

My sister's on it.

So it's okay.

But thank you. Thanks.

tell me your story?

Okeydokey, it's time.

So, uh, hey, buddy. It's time.

Huh? Off to New Brunswick.

I think your cousin's gonna be pretty surprised to see you.

You got enough, uh, cash to last?

I know that Larry was very generous.

(brakes hiss and squeak)

Okay. Here you go. (sighs)

Ahh.

I envy you the adventure that awaits you,

Juan Salgado.

Be good. Enjoy the world.

Remember, I was only able to do this once.

Earn it.

All right. Okay. All right.

Let him go now. He's gotta go. Okay.

(doors hiss)

(doors close)

Marty, about the guardianship of your children...

How many people are ahead of us?

Pretty much everyone we know would have to die.

Oh, so we have a chance?

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