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1
00:00:06,213 --> 00:00:07,818
Merry crap-mas, everyone.
2
00:00:07,838 --> 00:00:09,637
This sucks.
3
00:00:09,657 --> 00:00:11,390
Okay, guys.
4
00:00:11,410 --> 00:00:14,961
I know christmas didn't
go exactly how we planned.
5
00:00:14,996 --> 00:00:17,182
We don't have any presents
under the tree.
6
00:00:17,202 --> 00:00:19,182
- We don't have a tree.
- But santa...
7
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:21,267
Santa called. He's not gonna
be able to make it this year.
8
00:00:21,302 --> 00:00:24,596
But here's the thing...
we have each other.
9
00:00:24,616 --> 00:00:27,761
We got through another year together,
and that's what really matters.
10
00:00:27,781 --> 00:00:30,388
- Yay, none of us died.
- Merry christmas.
11
00:00:30,408 --> 00:00:32,358
So this is what we're
gonna do, okay?
12
00:00:32,378 --> 00:00:35,772
We're gonna go downstairs,
and we are gonna make the best of this.
13
00:00:35,792 --> 00:00:37,584
All right? Let's go.
14
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:38,870
Come on.
15
00:00:51,496 --> 00:00:54,995
God bless us, every one!
16
00:00:58,155 --> 00:01:00,277
S01E09
Merry Crap-Mas
17
00:01:00,297 --> 00:01:02,176
Sync by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
18
00:01:03,401 --> 00:01:05,776
Did you get Max's Ipad?
I think we forgot the Ipad.
19
00:01:05,796 --> 00:01:07,849
We didn't forget it.
It's right there.
20
00:01:07,869 --> 00:01:09,278
It's the blue wrapping paper.
Are you sure that's the Ipad?
21
00:01:09,298 --> 00:01:11,256
Honey, you tend to remember
something you bought your 8-year-old
22
00:01:11,276 --> 00:01:13,163
that you're gonna be paying for
for the next three years.
23
00:01:13,183 --> 00:01:16,799
Okay, I got Amber's snowboard,
and our list is officially complete.
24
00:01:16,819 --> 00:01:18,772
The rest is up to Santa.
25
00:01:18,792 --> 00:01:20,807
Ho!
26
00:01:23,371 --> 00:01:24,910
Hello!
Hey, guys!
27
00:01:24,962 --> 00:01:26,275
What's with the apron?
You cooking something?
28
00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,782
No. I just like what it does
for my silhouette.
29
00:01:28,802 --> 00:01:30,633
He loves the apron.
30
00:01:30,879 --> 00:01:32,492
So, guys, we need
a small favor.
31
00:01:32,512 --> 00:01:34,308
We need a place to hide
our christmas gifts.
32
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,206
We got some nosy kids,
and...
33
00:01:36,790 --> 00:01:38,961
Christmas! I've been
so excited for this one!
34
00:01:38,981 --> 00:01:40,649
Oh, you people.
35
00:01:41,356 --> 00:01:43,292
So, we're not excited
about this one, either?
36
00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:45,315
- Here we go.
- You mean the orgy of commercialism
37
00:01:45,335 --> 00:01:47,388
I've been hearing about
since March? No.
38
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:50,269
I just don't see how two
relatively sane human beings
39
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,290
can participate in such
an insane holiday.
40
00:01:52,310 --> 00:01:54,936
Oh, it's not insane, Larry.
It's fun for us,
41
00:01:54,956 --> 00:01:56,462
and for the kids, and Abby's 6,
42
00:01:56,482 --> 00:01:58,845
and she still gets caught up
in the magic of it all.
43
00:01:58,865 --> 00:02:02,022
Ah, there it is. Abby.
It's always about "Abby."
44
00:02:02,270 --> 00:02:04,231
Don't put my daughter
in quotations, Larry.
45
00:02:04,251 --> 00:02:07,432
What's so special about that little girl?
Nothing, as far as I can see.
46
00:02:07,452 --> 00:02:09,505
Yet you two have concocted
yet another excuse
47
00:02:09,525 --> 00:02:12,446
to lavish both her and the more
worthwhile Weaver children
48
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,382
with disposable
commercial crap.
49
00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:18,089
- Larry, you've got it all wrong.
- Okay, christmas is about family
50
00:02:18,109 --> 00:02:21,370
and smiles and the joy
of being together.
51
00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:23,713
The gifts are just
one tiny part of it.
52
00:02:23,733 --> 00:02:26,592
Oh, yes. And there's that
fat, slovenly burglar
53
00:02:26,612 --> 00:02:28,670
you call Santa Claus. Honestly.
54
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,940
Put on an apron
for god's sake, fatso.
55
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,301
He's struggling
with Santa Claus.
56
00:02:32,321 --> 00:02:34,538
Of course you can keep
your presents here.
57
00:02:34,558 --> 00:02:36,287
- All right, get around back.
- Ready, babe?
58
00:02:36,307 --> 00:02:37,471
- 1... 2...
- Watch the top.
59
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,833
- Wheel your barrow your full of crap...
- I'm okay.
60
00:02:39,853 --> 00:02:40,970
The door. The door.
61
00:02:41,021 --> 00:02:42,605
Man down. Man down.
62
00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:44,635
All right.
Yeah, we got it.
63
00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:47,109
Just watch the floors. They're bamboo.
64
00:02:47,143 --> 00:02:49,712
I got it. Yes.
Okay.
65
00:02:56,715 --> 00:02:58,237
What's wrong?
66
00:02:58,911 --> 00:03:02,737
Do you think Larry's right,
and we're too caught up in the presents?
67
00:03:02,757 --> 00:03:05,244
No, babe. Larry's just
being Larry, okay?
68
00:03:05,264 --> 00:03:07,611
Our kids understand
the meaning of christmas.
69
00:03:07,631 --> 00:03:08,827
They don't even need
presents.
70
00:03:08,847 --> 00:03:13,207
Hey, mom, make sure my snowboard has
step-in bindings and not those lame straps.
71
00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:15,019
We'll see what Santa brings.
72
00:03:15,039 --> 00:03:16,446
Yeah, uh, don't even worry
about wrapping it.
73
00:03:16,466 --> 00:03:18,207
It's just gonna slow me down.
74
00:03:18,227 --> 00:03:20,193
Also, Jeremy called,
and it turns out
75
00:03:20,213 --> 00:03:22,129
we're going on the ski trip
the day before christmas
76
00:03:22,149 --> 00:03:25,032
instead of the day after,
so I'm gonna need my presents early.
77
00:03:25,052 --> 00:03:26,321
Hold up, Amber.
78
00:03:26,341 --> 00:03:29,090
- This family celebrates christmas together.
- Yeah.
79
00:03:29,110 --> 00:03:31,106
Yeah. I'll text you
from the mountain.
80
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:32,476
What...
81
00:03:32,496 --> 00:03:33,802
Well, I'll be here.
82
00:03:33,822 --> 00:03:35,740
And I want some new games
for the Xbox.
83
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,961
Wait. I thought you wanted
an Ipad.
84
00:03:37,981 --> 00:03:40,860
I'll multitask. Oh,
and I also want a new bike.
85
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,618
A new bike.
What about you, huh?
86
00:03:42,638 --> 00:03:44,360
You have any changes
you'd like to make?
87
00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:47,525
Nah. Santa knows what I want.
He'll take care of me.
88
00:03:47,545 --> 00:03:49,287
Oh, and, uh,
here's my new list.
89
00:03:49,307 --> 00:03:50,776
I've highlighted the changes.
90
00:03:50,796 --> 00:03:52,638
Be sure to look at page 3.
91
00:03:52,658 --> 00:03:53,982
Page 3.
92
00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:56,939
You should probably fax it.
It's getting pretty late.
93
00:03:57,274 --> 00:03:59,309
Okay, I'll get on that.
Thank you.
94
00:03:59,855 --> 00:04:02,801
God! What the hell?
Is this the constitution?
95
00:04:02,821 --> 00:04:05,283
Who makes amendments
to a christmas list?
96
00:04:05,303 --> 00:04:07,045
You know what? You're right.
97
00:04:07,065 --> 00:04:09,931
It's become all about this stuff.
Our kids are completely out of control.
98
00:04:09,951 --> 00:04:11,606
I hated all three of them
just now, Marty.
99
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:14,262
In that moment, I hated
all three of our children.
100
00:04:14,282 --> 00:04:15,527
You know what?
101
00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,325
Maybe we should try something
different this year.
102
00:04:17,345 --> 00:04:18,713
Forget the presents.
103
00:04:18,747 --> 00:04:20,431
Let's take a nice
vacation somewhere
104
00:04:20,465 --> 00:04:23,002
and hang with the family
for christmas.
105
00:04:23,022 --> 00:04:24,863
Somewhere nice.
Maybe somewhere tropical.
106
00:04:24,883 --> 00:04:26,104
Yeah, but we can't afford
tropical.
107
00:04:26,124 --> 00:04:28,272
We just spent a buttload
of money on all their presents.
108
00:04:28,292 --> 00:04:31,581
No! We return the presents
and we use the money for the trip!
109
00:04:33,085 --> 00:04:35,067
- Can we do that?
- We're the parents.
110
00:04:35,087 --> 00:04:36,884
We named those
greedy little monsters.
111
00:04:36,904 --> 00:04:39,926
- We can do whatever we want!
- Oh, my god!
112
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,643
We could have christmas tans.
113
00:04:42,663 --> 00:04:45,846
I'm gonna be brown
for the super bowl!
114
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,748
Look at this bloated pile of consumerism.
115
00:04:48,768 --> 00:04:50,935
And most of it for that
little girl.
116
00:04:51,143 --> 00:04:53,278
What's her deal?
Is she really that cute?
117
00:04:53,298 --> 00:04:55,306
She is pretty cute,
husband.
118
00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:57,441
Dad, she's pretty much
the cutest kid ever.
119
00:04:57,476 --> 00:05:00,520
And her teeth keep on
falling out of her face.
120
00:05:00,540 --> 00:05:02,380
What's gonna fall off
next, her nose?
121
00:05:02,414 --> 00:05:05,933
Oh, father! I love it
when you make fun of children.
122
00:05:05,951 --> 00:05:08,372
The whole thing is ridiculous.
I mean,
123
00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:10,134
what could possibly be
this shape,
124
00:05:10,154 --> 00:05:12,413
and yet be so exciting
to receive?
125
00:05:14,336 --> 00:05:16,190
No, really. It's not
a rhetorical question.
126
00:05:16,210 --> 00:05:18,343
- What do you think it is?
- It looks like a giant board,
127
00:05:18,363 --> 00:05:21,012
perhaps for some sort
of, um, winter sport.
128
00:05:21,032 --> 00:05:22,645
Don't be a dolt, Reggie.
129
00:05:24,084 --> 00:05:25,330
What's the surprise?
130
00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:27,378
Well, your dad and I were talking,
131
00:05:27,398 --> 00:05:30,208
And we decided to do christmas
a little different this year.
132
00:05:30,228 --> 00:05:31,511
Presents early?
No.
133
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:35,184
Can we do jewish christmas
and get presents for eight days?
134
00:05:35,204 --> 00:05:39,833
What? No. We decided
that instead of presents this year...
135
00:05:40,479 --> 00:05:43,023
We're going
on a family trip!
136
00:05:50,382 --> 00:05:51,680
We're not joking.
137
00:05:53,996 --> 00:05:55,428
They're not joking!
138
00:05:55,448 --> 00:05:57,563
You're not joking?
139
00:05:57,583 --> 00:06:00,022
What kind of sick game
are you playing?
140
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,924
We're just children!
141
00:06:06,195 --> 00:06:10,242
Perhaps it's a galapagos
turtle with a flattened shell.
142
00:06:10,262 --> 00:06:11,768
A giant stick of gum?
143
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,735
Okay, one more time, why are we so quick
to dismiss snowboard?
144
00:06:17,589 --> 00:06:20,042
Oh, my.
145
00:06:23,035 --> 00:06:25,282
Oh, that felt
really, really good.
146
00:06:32,330 --> 00:06:34,114
It's beautiful.
147
00:06:34,134 --> 00:06:36,703
- What is it, husband?
- It's a... it's... it's...
148
00:06:37,411 --> 00:06:39,113
It's a thing.
149
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:42,659
- And it's glorious.
- Okay, was that as fun as it looked?
150
00:06:42,833 --> 00:06:44,091
Even better.
151
00:06:44,111 --> 00:06:45,712
- I want one!
- Me, too!
152
00:06:45,732 --> 00:06:48,354
Yes! Presents for everyone!
153
00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:04,791
I got a bike! Cool!
154
00:07:07,241 --> 00:07:10,261
Christmas is
the best thing ever!
155
00:07:10,832 --> 00:07:12,569
Yeah!
156
00:07:21,585 --> 00:07:24,009
So no presents
for christmas this year?
157
00:07:24,029 --> 00:07:27,924
Great. You've ruined the one day a year
I actually find this family tolerable.
158
00:07:27,958 --> 00:07:29,892
So just to be clear,
159
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:31,306
I've been good all year,
160
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,144
and I'm getting lumped in
with her?
161
00:07:33,164 --> 00:07:36,649
Well, I guess a trip
for the family sounds fun.
162
00:07:36,700 --> 00:07:37,979
Oh, zip it, kiss-ass.
163
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:40,163
You already told me I could
go on a trip with Jeremy.
164
00:07:40,183 --> 00:07:44,512
Okay. I think we've all lost sight
of what christmas is really about.
165
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:46,902
It is not about presents.
166
00:07:47,126 --> 00:07:48,813
It's about being together,
167
00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:53,052
and we are gonna go away
as a family, all of us.
168
00:07:53,549 --> 00:07:56,085
Does this mean we have to return
the presents we got for you?
169
00:07:56,105 --> 00:07:57,674
You got us presents?
170
00:07:57,694 --> 00:07:59,962
Of course not, but do you
see how that feels?
171
00:07:59,982 --> 00:08:02,079
Mommy, I'm confused.
172
00:08:02,383 --> 00:08:03,900
I saw Santa at the mall,
173
00:08:03,934 --> 00:08:05,669
and he said I was
very good this year,
174
00:08:05,703 --> 00:08:08,512
and I would be getting
everything I asked for.
175
00:08:08,532 --> 00:08:09,944
Well, don't worry
about that, sweetie,
176
00:08:09,964 --> 00:08:14,276
because daddy was texting back and forth
with Santa this morning, and guess what?
177
00:08:14,296 --> 00:08:16,428
- He approved our trip!
- You know what? That's interesting,
178
00:08:16,448 --> 00:08:19,975
Because I was skype-ing with Santa
after you finished texting with him,
179
00:08:19,995 --> 00:08:23,189
and he said that I could go on
a ski trip with my friends.
180
00:08:23,581 --> 00:08:24,492
What?
181
00:08:24,512 --> 00:08:25,845
I know Santa, too.
182
00:08:25,865 --> 00:08:28,198
All right.
You know what, smart-mouth?
183
00:08:28,409 --> 00:08:30,621
Let me be really clear.
184
00:08:30,641 --> 00:08:33,111
You are not going
on your ski trip.
185
00:08:33,731 --> 00:08:34,748
So lame.
186
00:08:36,126 --> 00:08:39,509
Come on, guys. Let's go to our rooms
before they take those away, too.
187
00:08:41,966 --> 00:08:45,719
Can you remind me again why want to be
alone on island with these children?
188
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:49,976
That "Christmas carol" is a wonderful story.
189
00:08:50,423 --> 00:08:51,602
I love the ghost.
190
00:08:51,622 --> 00:08:54,678
Agreed. Although I didn't
like tiny Tim.
191
00:08:54,712 --> 00:08:57,781
Little, weird,
and totally unrelatable.
192
00:08:57,815 --> 00:09:00,568
I admit it.
I was wrong about christmas.
193
00:09:00,588 --> 00:09:01,871
It's a lovely holiday.
194
00:09:01,891 --> 00:09:04,871
The things, the trees,
the snow.
195
00:09:05,906 --> 00:09:07,340
The things.
196
00:09:07,375 --> 00:09:10,366
Christmas is magical,
father! Magical!
197
00:09:10,386 --> 00:09:11,942
Dick, Dick, fix your joints.
198
00:09:11,962 --> 00:09:14,134
You're going to get
a bellyache.
199
00:09:14,866 --> 00:09:18,078
I still can't get past
that Santa fellow, though.
200
00:09:18,389 --> 00:09:21,454
526 million children
celebrate christmas.
201
00:09:22,124 --> 00:09:24,300
That means
he has to deliver presents
202
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,048
to 22 million children
an hour.
203
00:09:27,068 --> 00:09:28,116
I mean, really!
204
00:09:28,136 --> 00:09:31,114
I mean, we're saying he gets around
the whole world in one night...
205
00:09:31,523 --> 00:09:33,104
at that weight.
206
00:09:33,124 --> 00:09:34,922
I mean, he can't fit
into a sleigh,
207
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,476
Let alone fly in one.
208
00:09:37,601 --> 00:09:39,542
I'm sorry.
I know this is off topic,
209
00:09:39,562 --> 00:09:42,937
but is anyone gonna admit
that I got this right?
210
00:09:43,372 --> 00:09:44,513
No.
211
00:09:44,910 --> 00:09:45,834
Tell you what.
212
00:09:45,854 --> 00:09:48,565
Let's watch "The Muppets:
A christmas carol" again.
213
00:09:48,726 --> 00:09:50,232
The Muppets I like.
214
00:09:50,252 --> 00:09:52,027
I could really get down
with the muppets.
215
00:09:52,201 --> 00:09:53,710
Kermit.
216
00:09:54,496 --> 00:09:56,226
Jackie Joyner-Kersee,
217
00:09:56,246 --> 00:09:57,864
please press "play."
218
00:09:58,922 --> 00:10:00,101
- That was very good!
- Did you see that?
219
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:01,702
- Yes.
- I know, it's awfully good.
220
00:10:01,722 --> 00:10:02,385
Very good.
221
00:10:02,405 --> 00:10:04,134
Oh, I got it, Marty.
Look at this...
222
00:10:04,154 --> 00:10:06,554
"available time-share
in hawaii.
223
00:10:06,574 --> 00:10:10,607
"three bedrooms, updated kitchen,
short walk to the beach, bidet"!
224
00:10:10,627 --> 00:10:12,843
The tushie-squirting thing?
225
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:14,553
Holy crap, they have
the tushie-squirting thing!
226
00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,787
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Can we afford this?
227
00:10:16,807 --> 00:10:19,229
It's in our price range.
Marty, this is ours!
228
00:10:19,249 --> 00:10:21,376
We can do this!
We're going to hawaii!
229
00:10:21,396 --> 00:10:23,622
- Yeah!
- Oh, let's go get the gifts and return them
230
00:10:23,642 --> 00:10:27,108
- so we can pay for this thing.
- My tushie feels wet already.
231
00:10:28,446 --> 00:10:30,707
Merry christmas
to me.
232
00:10:51,858 --> 00:10:54,385
I have never been so wrong
about anything in my life.
233
00:10:54,419 --> 00:10:56,502
I love christmas!
234
00:10:57,147 --> 00:10:58,856
Larry, what the hell
is the matter with you?
235
00:10:58,890 --> 00:11:02,101
For the first time on this
stupid planet, nothing.
236
00:11:02,285 --> 00:11:06,035
I'm totally joyous.
I have sugarplums in my head!
237
00:11:06,618 --> 00:11:07,715
Why? What's the matter
with you?
238
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,415
You were supposed to hold on
to our gifts
239
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:11,289
for a few days,
not give them away!
240
00:11:11,309 --> 00:11:14,438
- Or destroy 'em!
- Merry christmas!
241
00:11:15,473 --> 00:11:17,154
I can't believe
this is happening.
242
00:11:17,174 --> 00:11:19,449
To be honest, I think you're
being completely illogical
243
00:11:19,469 --> 00:11:21,132
and a bit of a nasty elf.
244
00:11:21,152 --> 00:11:23,437
You said christmas
is about giving.
245
00:11:23,488 --> 00:11:25,489
I won't let you ruin christmas
for me. I just won't!
246
00:11:25,523 --> 00:11:28,155
I'm sorry. We're ruining
your christmas?!
247
00:11:28,175 --> 00:11:30,297
You gave our gifts away!
248
00:11:30,317 --> 00:11:33,548
Why are the aliens
playing with our presents?
249
00:11:34,357 --> 00:11:36,397
Are they throwing
my Ipad?
250
00:11:36,417 --> 00:11:38,979
Jackie, this is
a major screw-up.
251
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,939
Oh, no, not again.
252
00:11:40,959 --> 00:11:45,292
It's just that you have so many holidays
for us to screw up.
253
00:11:45,312 --> 00:11:48,139
Can't we just get to the part
where everything ends up being all right
254
00:11:48,159 --> 00:11:50,517
and we learn
from one another?
255
00:11:50,889 --> 00:11:54,122
- Can't we do that?
- Jackie, we save up all year for this.
256
00:11:54,142 --> 00:11:57,677
And now we can't return those gifts
and use the money to go to hawaii!
257
00:11:57,876 --> 00:11:59,880
I'm so sorry.
My husband didn't mean...
258
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:01,882
Stop apologizing
for him, Jackie.
259
00:12:01,916 --> 00:12:04,918
You can't keep apologizing for him
every time he makes a mistake
260
00:12:04,936 --> 00:12:08,021
and expect everything
to be better.
261
00:12:08,458 --> 00:12:10,469
Worst christmas ever!
262
00:12:10,667 --> 00:12:14,144
Whole year of being good
right down the crapper!
263
00:12:14,991 --> 00:12:17,814
I'm afraid you've been
naughty, Mr. Bird.
264
00:12:17,865 --> 00:12:20,200
And Santa knows
when you've been naughty,
265
00:12:20,563 --> 00:12:23,053
and he knows
when you've been nice.
266
00:12:24,739 --> 00:12:26,730
Does he know
where the gym is?
267
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,426
Because he's going to lose
a foot to diabetes.
268
00:12:51,913 --> 00:12:54,622
Hello, my little
overlooked friend.
269
00:12:56,955 --> 00:12:59,577
Husband, I think we've
made a terrible mistake.
270
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,866
You bet your sweet bippy
we did. We missed one. Ohh!
271
00:13:02,886 --> 00:13:05,850
- The new Ipad!
- Husband.
272
00:13:06,448 --> 00:13:08,053
Oh, it's fine.
It's just stuff
273
00:13:08,073 --> 00:13:10,610
They would have got bored with
within a day or two.
274
00:13:10,630 --> 00:13:13,508
But not this. Steve jobs really
got it right with this one.
275
00:13:13,528 --> 00:13:16,467
Larry Bird! The Weavers
have been so good to us,
276
00:13:16,487 --> 00:13:18,748
and we keep on
disappointing them.
277
00:13:18,768 --> 00:13:20,597
We have to make this right.
278
00:13:20,617 --> 00:13:22,280
Either you do it, or I will.
279
00:13:23,025 --> 00:13:25,139
Wait, Jackie.
What do you want from me?
280
00:13:25,159 --> 00:13:27,373
Do you want me to send them
some flowers? Is that it?
281
00:13:31,583 --> 00:13:35,951
Siri, did I really
ruin their christmas?
282
00:13:40,719 --> 00:13:42,654
Siri?
283
00:13:42,674 --> 00:13:45,136
I don't even know
how it happened.
284
00:13:45,156 --> 00:13:48,510
Just seeing all that
wrapping paper and boxes...
285
00:13:50,215 --> 00:13:52,074
I know you can't ever
forgive us,
286
00:13:52,094 --> 00:13:55,139
but we are truly, truly
sorry for what we did.
287
00:13:55,159 --> 00:13:57,050
Jackie, what do you want me
to say?
288
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,067
I know you didn't mean
to hurt us.
289
00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:00,816
You guys got carried away.
I get it.
290
00:14:00,836 --> 00:14:02,305
You celebrated
your first christmas.
291
00:14:02,325 --> 00:14:04,440
The first ones are always
the best ones.
292
00:14:04,460 --> 00:14:05,519
Even Amber.
293
00:14:05,539 --> 00:14:10,278
She had the sweetest look of excitement
on her face her first few christmases.
294
00:14:10,298 --> 00:14:13,256
I hang on to that memory when
she says hurtful things to me.
295
00:14:13,276 --> 00:14:14,361
Ooh.
296
00:14:14,381 --> 00:14:17,260
I imagine you must think
of that several times a day.
297
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,602
Yeah. Yeah.
298
00:14:45,654 --> 00:14:47,057
What do you want?
299
00:14:47,283 --> 00:14:48,859
We need to talk.
300
00:14:50,045 --> 00:14:51,228
With the kids
all getting older,
301
00:14:51,263 --> 00:14:54,052
we were afraid that this was gonna be
the last christmas where we'd have
302
00:14:54,072 --> 00:14:56,298
one of those magical
mornings together.
303
00:14:56,447 --> 00:14:58,475
Marty and I just got
carried away.
304
00:15:00,008 --> 00:15:02,993
So we really screwed your pooch
on this one.
305
00:15:03,013 --> 00:15:06,021
Oh, Jackie. Not only
did you screw my pooch,
306
00:15:06,041 --> 00:15:08,312
but you didn't call her
the next day, either.
307
00:15:19,448 --> 00:15:21,674
It's... Very good.
308
00:15:21,694 --> 00:15:23,220
Thank you.
309
00:15:26,930 --> 00:15:28,536
I've been watching you.
310
00:15:28,556 --> 00:15:30,479
And I can tell you're sad.
311
00:15:30,499 --> 00:15:32,950
So I came over to tell you
not to be sad,
312
00:15:32,984 --> 00:15:35,202
'cause Santa's going to make
everything all better.
313
00:15:37,078 --> 00:15:39,339
Santa's going to make
everything all better.
314
00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:43,777
When I was 4,
I got the flu,
315
00:15:44,623 --> 00:15:46,353
So I coun't visit Santa.
316
00:15:46,373 --> 00:15:48,438
So my mom told me
to write a letter
317
00:15:48,458 --> 00:15:51,131
so she could mail it
to him before christmas.
318
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:54,448
The whole time, I was really worried
that he had forgotten about me.
319
00:15:54,468 --> 00:15:56,892
- But guess what?
- What?
320
00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:58,823
He wrote me back.
321
00:15:59,047 --> 00:16:01,169
Oh, please.
322
00:16:03,465 --> 00:16:04,734
What did he write?
323
00:16:04,754 --> 00:16:07,588
He reminded me to be good
even when no one was watching,
324
00:16:07,608 --> 00:16:11,125
and to never forget
what christmas is all about.
325
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,756
What's that?
326
00:16:13,776 --> 00:16:15,746
Family, silly.
327
00:16:17,704 --> 00:16:20,471
Santa... told you that?
328
00:16:21,386 --> 00:16:23,561
So no more sad faces, Mr. Bird,
329
00:16:23,581 --> 00:16:25,961
'cause Santa's going to make
everything all better.
330
00:16:25,981 --> 00:16:28,092
He always comes through.
331
00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:35,628
Thank you for the tea.
Let's do it again sometime.
332
00:16:42,851 --> 00:16:45,426
Oh, dear.
333
00:16:45,460 --> 00:16:48,519
I've been very, very naughty.
334
00:16:53,893 --> 00:16:57,292
Oh, goodness.
What are you up to now?
335
00:16:57,312 --> 00:16:59,190
You were right, wife.
336
00:16:59,538 --> 00:17:01,342
The Weavers have been
good to us,
337
00:17:01,362 --> 00:17:02,868
so I'm going
to make this right.
338
00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:06,065
I'm going to be like Santa Claus
and save their christmas.
339
00:17:06,351 --> 00:17:08,877
All I need is a helper elf.
I've already made the costume.
340
00:17:08,897 --> 00:17:11,540
Oh, husband,
love of my life,
341
00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,233
I would be your elf
any day.
342
00:17:13,253 --> 00:17:15,238
Don't be ridiculous.
You're too tall.
343
00:17:19,015 --> 00:17:22,639
Oh, I do not like
where this is going.
344
00:17:39,305 --> 00:17:42,907
I have a limitless amount cash
and desire to buy a car.
345
00:17:48,871 --> 00:17:50,584
Jackpot.
346
00:17:57,349 --> 00:18:00,153
Excuse me. Do you have
any plans this christmas?
347
00:18:00,724 --> 00:18:02,752
Oh, my family's all dead.
348
00:18:02,772 --> 00:18:04,307
Perfect.
349
00:18:05,226 --> 00:18:06,223
Boo-yah!
350
00:18:06,243 --> 00:18:08,407
Kept it.
Move rapid, son.
351
00:18:08,427 --> 00:18:10,232
Capture the christmas swine!
352
00:18:10,252 --> 00:18:11,572
Get the pretty one!
353
00:18:21,020 --> 00:18:23,477
- Merry crap-mas, everyone.
- This sucks.
354
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,756
Okay, guys.
355
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,768
I know christmas didn't
go exactly how we planned.
356
00:18:29,788 --> 00:18:33,058
- We don't have any presents under the tree.
- We don't have a tree.
357
00:18:33,078 --> 00:18:35,073
So this is what we're
gonna do, okay?
358
00:18:35,093 --> 00:18:36,425
We're gonna go downstairs,
359
00:18:36,445 --> 00:18:38,474
and we are gonna make
the best of this.
360
00:18:38,494 --> 00:18:40,405
All right? Let's go.
361
00:18:40,425 --> 00:18:41,770
Come on.
362
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,758
Come on.
363
00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:59,283
God bless us, every one!
364
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,031
Merry christmas, Weavers!
365
00:19:06,051 --> 00:19:08,302
What the heck is going on?
366
00:19:08,322 --> 00:19:10,990
Well, we know you wanted the
perfect christmas...
367
00:19:11,010 --> 00:19:13,365
and we know you wanted
to go to hawaii,
368
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:16,093
so we decided
to give you both.
369
00:19:16,478 --> 00:19:18,459
Believe it or not,
it was Larry Bird's idea.
370
00:19:18,479 --> 00:19:19,593
Where is Larry?
371
00:19:19,613 --> 00:19:21,147
Ho, ho, ho!
372
00:19:22,616 --> 00:19:26,335
I understand your children
had a bit of a mishap
373
00:19:26,353 --> 00:19:28,471
with their presents
this year.
374
00:19:28,893 --> 00:19:33,552
It was short notice, but I was able
to get the key items on their lists.
375
00:19:33,572 --> 00:19:36,920
Now gather 'round the tree,
let's light up the menorah,
376
00:19:36,940 --> 00:19:39,923
and we'll kwanzaa
till the break of dawn.
377
00:19:42,288 --> 00:19:43,149
Check it out.
378
00:19:43,169 --> 00:19:46,859
Your dad and I know how badly you wanted
to go snowboarding with your friends...
379
00:19:46,879 --> 00:19:48,352
- Snowboarding!
- Wh...
380
00:19:48,372 --> 00:19:49,506
So here's the deal.
381
00:19:49,526 --> 00:19:51,988
If you can be packed
and ready to go in a couple hours,
382
00:19:52,008 --> 00:19:54,895
I will personally
drive you there myself.
383
00:19:55,354 --> 00:19:56,843
Are you kidding me?
384
00:19:57,315 --> 00:20:00,573
And miss this insanity?
There's absolutely no way.
385
00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:06,604
There's the christmas face I've been
hanging on to for all these years.
386
00:20:07,113 --> 00:20:08,950
You owe me a snowboard.
387
00:20:10,625 --> 00:20:13,061
And there's the one
I've learned to accept.
388
00:20:13,645 --> 00:20:16,139
Now, I hear you wanted
the new ipad.
389
00:20:18,398 --> 00:20:20,028
Gee, thanks.
390
00:20:20,048 --> 00:20:22,437
The wi-fi's a bit spotty.
391
00:20:25,465 --> 00:20:27,413
I know who you are.
392
00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:29,302
I knew you were an alien,
393
00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:31,921
but I didn't know
you were also Santa Claus.
394
00:20:32,420 --> 00:20:34,803
Oh, I'm not real...
395
00:20:36,317 --> 00:20:38,381
Don't tell anyone.
396
00:20:38,401 --> 00:20:40,714
It'll be our little secret.
397
00:20:40,734 --> 00:20:42,031
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
398
00:21:04,332 --> 00:21:07,034
Siri, who won the knicks game?
399
00:21:07,270 --> 00:21:09,533
Give me
a 5-day weather forecast.
400
00:21:09,553 --> 00:21:12,767
Buy me the new
Mumford & Sons album. Ugh.
401
00:21:12,891 --> 00:21:15,215
That's it.
I'm gonna get a kindle.
402
00:21:15,235 --> 00:21:17,444
I'm done with you!
403
00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:24,660
I'm sorry.
404
00:21:26,788 --> 00:21:28,885
It's been a rough week.
405
00:21:29,245 --> 00:21:31,156
Come along.
Let's go for a walk.
406
00:21:31,417 --> 00:21:34,867
Siri, does this suit
make my ass look big?
407
00:21:35,264 --> 00:21:37,758
www.addic7ed.com
408
00:21:37,808 --> 00:21:42,358
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