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[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
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Okay, girlies, gather around.
3
00:00:03,250 --> 00:00:05,334
I am so excited for our first meeting
4
00:00:05,359 --> 00:00:07,616
of Snap's Bomb-Ass Fem Book Club,
5
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:09,811
inspired by Emma Watson's Instagram.
6
00:00:09,836 --> 00:00:11,337
Did everyone get a chance to read
7
00:00:11,404 --> 00:00:13,414
the landmark feminist book
"The Baby-Sitters Club:
8
00:00:13,439 --> 00:00:14,974
Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls"?
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GIRLS: Yes!
- Great!
10
00:00:16,843 --> 00:00:18,960
What were your favorite
"yas, queen" moments?
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00:00:19,008 --> 00:00:21,077
I thought it was really cool
to see girls
12
00:00:21,102 --> 00:00:22,471
as small business owners.
13
00:00:22,538 --> 00:00:24,306
Yaaas, Margot!
14
00:00:24,372 --> 00:00:26,007
We don't see that enough.
15
00:00:26,074 --> 00:00:27,808
I like when they trapped
the guy who was making
16
00:00:27,875 --> 00:00:29,945
the harassing telephone calls.
17
00:00:30,012 --> 00:00:31,514
Yaaas, Francine!
18
00:00:31,581 --> 00:00:34,050
Ugh. That was a total Time's Up moment.
19
00:00:34,116 --> 00:00:36,284
People tend to think
harassment is a new trend,
20
00:00:36,350 --> 00:00:39,454
but this book proves it existed
as far back as the '80s.
21
00:00:39,521 --> 00:00:40,821
I also liked the way the characters
22
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worked together
and supported each other.
23
00:00:42,758 --> 00:00:45,027
Hmm. That's where she almost lost me.
24
00:00:45,092 --> 00:00:47,495
Five women working
successfully together?
25
00:00:47,563 --> 00:00:49,484
It's just not realistic.
26
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Especially when some of them
are noticeably hotter
27
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than the others.
28
00:00:53,390 --> 00:00:54,740
I love Ann M. Martin.
29
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Female writers are so cool.
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They are so cool.
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Yaaas, fem lit! [LAUGHS]
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[ROCK MUSIC]
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synced and corrected by susinz
*www.addic7ed.com*
34
00:01:07,187 --> 00:01:10,351
Ugh. This is exhausting.
35
00:01:10,578 --> 00:01:12,380
You've only carried in one box.
36
00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:14,014
That's one box too many.
37
00:01:14,082 --> 00:01:15,517
Where is Mary-Louise?
38
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The only reason I didn't
protest getting book fair duty
39
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was because I knew
she'd do all the work.
40
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Seriously. I'm not unloading dick.
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Baby's orders.
42
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Everybody, shut up!
43
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I have finally figured out
what my life's dream is.
44
00:01:29,039 --> 00:01:30,921
To read at a third-grade level?
45
00:01:31,266 --> 00:01:32,429
No, Deb.
46
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"Patty Parakeet
Breaks the Glass Ceiling"?
47
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It's by C.F. Blinky.
48
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She's the guest author
for this year's book fair.
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Her books are way feminist,
50
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and they teach girls about bending over.
51
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You mean leaning in?
52
00:01:44,056 --> 00:01:45,347
Yeah, same thing.
53
00:01:45,413 --> 00:01:46,948
I read her book this morning,
54
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and I was so inspired by it...
and the fact
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that she was a featured friend
on "The Real Housewives
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00:01:51,151 --> 00:01:52,954
of Potomac"... that I have decided
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to be a children's author just like her!
58
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You're going to write a children's book?
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00:01:57,782 --> 00:01:59,000
Yeah.
60
00:01:59,070 --> 00:02:01,697
They're, like, 20 words
spread out over eight pages.
61
00:02:01,763 --> 00:02:04,332
I tweet the equivalent
of ten children's books a day.
62
00:02:04,399 --> 00:02:06,117
So what are you gonna write about?
63
00:02:06,375 --> 00:02:08,561
I don't know,
which is why I want to talk
64
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:10,121
to a professional like C.F. Blinky,
65
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who, by the way, is friends
with Reese Witherspoon.
66
00:02:13,841 --> 00:02:15,109
[BRACE SQUEAKING]
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Hey, guys.
68
00:02:16,507 --> 00:02:18,261
Sorry I'm tardy to the party.
69
00:02:18,329 --> 00:02:19,764
Mary-Louise, what happened?
70
00:02:19,830 --> 00:02:21,498
Oh, I pulled my erector spinae
71
00:02:21,566 --> 00:02:23,929
reaching for a Sour Patch Kid
that rolled under my car seat.
72
00:02:23,954 --> 00:02:26,437
Oh, crap. So you can't lift anything?
73
00:02:26,503 --> 00:02:28,905
Would you feel better if you
got to smell Chelsea's hair?
74
00:02:28,973 --> 00:02:31,275
Nah. It's her fifth day
with dry shampoo.
75
00:02:31,342 --> 00:02:33,726
It won't be nice and fresh
till another two.
76
00:02:36,070 --> 00:02:37,138
Not to worry, though!
77
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I called some movers to help us.
78
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:42,482
They should be here any... minute.
79
00:02:42,507 --> 00:02:44,278
[SWANKY ROCK MUSIC]
80
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Moving Hunks?
81
00:02:46,621 --> 00:02:48,022
? ?
82
00:02:48,088 --> 00:02:50,632
I thought they meant
like hunks of furniture
83
00:02:50,657 --> 00:02:52,593
or hunks of trash, not hunks of...
84
00:02:52,661 --> 00:02:55,562
- Meaty man muscle?
- [SIGHS]
85
00:02:55,629 --> 00:02:57,831
How did you find these guys?
86
00:02:57,899 --> 00:02:59,600
Pastor Ted recommended them.
87
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,670
He said he uses them whenever
he has to do any heavy lifting.
88
00:03:02,737 --> 00:03:05,372
He's always rearranging the rectory.
89
00:03:05,439 --> 00:03:06,718
? ?
90
00:03:07,908 --> 00:03:09,810
- I have to go.
- Wait.
91
00:03:09,877 --> 00:03:12,413
You're not gonna stay around
for a good eye-bone?
92
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,382
No. I am currently
pursuing loftier goals
93
00:03:15,449 --> 00:03:16,850
than getting lost in chiseled abs,
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00:03:16,918 --> 00:03:18,419
a tight butt, or how the muscles
95
00:03:18,485 --> 00:03:19,653
perfectly shape into that deep V
96
00:03:19,719 --> 00:03:20,998
right above that thick D!
97
00:03:21,023 --> 00:03:22,492
[GASPS] Whoo! [LAUGHS]
98
00:03:23,692 --> 00:03:24,926
Yeah.
99
00:03:24,992 --> 00:03:26,760
I sacrifice for my art.
100
00:03:26,828 --> 00:03:28,296
[IRREVERENT ROCK MUSIC]
101
00:03:30,698 --> 00:03:33,868
You look like a low-rent
limo driver at O'Hare.
102
00:03:33,936 --> 00:03:36,171
I want to make C.F. Blinky
feel taken care of
103
00:03:36,237 --> 00:03:38,473
from the moment she sets foot
on Fillmore soil.
104
00:03:38,539 --> 00:03:40,042
Then why have you been eating
105
00:03:40,108 --> 00:03:42,210
the cookie bouquet the school got her?
106
00:03:42,414 --> 00:03:44,979
I sampled the product
to make sure it was up to par.
107
00:03:45,046 --> 00:03:46,146
It is.
108
00:03:46,213 --> 00:03:48,515
Hi. I'm here for the book fair.
109
00:03:48,582 --> 00:03:52,086
C.F. Blinky in da house!
110
00:03:52,152 --> 00:03:53,421
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my gosh.
111
00:03:53,487 --> 00:03:54,955
So nice to meet you!
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00:03:55,022 --> 00:03:57,091
Chelsea Snap. Huge fan.
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Huuuge.
114
00:03:58,825 --> 00:04:00,829
What's wrong with you? Thank you.
115
00:04:00,895 --> 00:04:02,296
I'll take it from here, Mavis.
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00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,140
That's Mavis. She sorts paper.
117
00:04:04,165 --> 00:04:05,171
Oh.
118
00:04:05,196 --> 00:04:07,431
I'll be your liaison while you're here.
119
00:04:07,968 --> 00:04:09,248
Is Brent in his office, Mavis?
120
00:04:09,273 --> 00:04:11,309
- No, but you can't go...
- Great!
121
00:04:11,374 --> 00:04:13,304
Right this way, C.F. [GIGGLING]
122
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[WHISPERING] Get lost.
123
00:04:14,778 --> 00:04:15,781
[SIGHS]
124
00:04:15,806 --> 00:04:18,282
It is so good to have a fellow
writer visit the school.
125
00:04:18,307 --> 00:04:20,484
- Oh, you're a writer too?
- Oh, yeah.
126
00:04:20,509 --> 00:04:22,132
- I'm published on Twitter.
- Oh.
127
00:04:22,157 --> 00:04:24,320
I'm actually writing
my first children's book.
128
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:27,164
- It's totally feminist and awesome.
- Oh.
129
00:04:27,189 --> 00:04:28,929
So, what are you writing right now?
130
00:04:28,954 --> 00:04:30,562
Oh, you know, I'm in the process
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00:04:30,587 --> 00:04:31,664
of outlining my next book.
132
00:04:31,689 --> 00:04:33,671
- It's about a cat named Rachel.
- Uh-huh.
133
00:04:33,696 --> 00:04:36,164
Yeah, who opens, um, a no-kill shelter.
134
00:04:36,189 --> 00:04:38,390
- Oh, that's good.
- Yeah, Rachel wants to help
135
00:04:38,415 --> 00:04:41,046
her fellow female felines...
see, it's alliteration.
136
00:04:41,071 --> 00:04:42,359
That's really good. That'll work.
137
00:04:42,384 --> 00:04:44,929
Now, is it Rachel with an A
or the normal way?
138
00:04:46,208 --> 00:04:47,476
What are you doing?
139
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,591
I'm gathering ideas for my book.
140
00:04:50,948 --> 00:04:53,049
Okay, but you know
that's plagiarism, right?
141
00:04:53,116 --> 00:04:54,750
I'm gonna change the cat's name.
142
00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:56,928
Well, then, why did you
ask me how to spell it?
143
00:04:56,953 --> 00:04:59,045
So I would use a different spelling!
144
00:04:59,070 --> 00:05:01,929
- [LAUGHS] Duh.
- Okay, if you want to be an author,
145
00:05:01,992 --> 00:05:04,968
you have to tell your own story.
146
00:05:05,468 --> 00:05:06,694
- Wow.
- Yeah.
147
00:05:06,719 --> 00:05:08,179
You are such a good mentor.
148
00:05:08,204 --> 00:05:10,296
Uh, no, I'm not your mentor.
149
00:05:10,321 --> 00:05:12,258
Yes. You are.
150
00:05:12,325 --> 00:05:14,293
No, a mentorship works two ways.
151
00:05:14,359 --> 00:05:15,794
It has to be consensual.
152
00:05:15,861 --> 00:05:17,830
Uh-huh. I consent.
153
00:05:17,897 --> 00:05:19,078
[PERCUSSIVE STING]
154
00:05:19,265 --> 00:05:21,333
[SMOOTH POP MUSIC]
155
00:05:26,005 --> 00:05:27,093
[MAN VOCALIZING]
156
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:29,781
Yeah.
157
00:05:29,937 --> 00:05:31,164
? ?
158
00:05:31,710 --> 00:05:32,912
[MEN GRUNTING]
159
00:05:32,977 --> 00:05:34,265
- Okay.
- [SIGHS]
160
00:05:34,713 --> 00:05:36,381
I love the way their veins bulge
161
00:05:36,448 --> 00:05:38,656
when they lift things from underneath.
162
00:05:38,984 --> 00:05:40,019
I wish they'd...
163
00:05:40,085 --> 00:05:42,156
ALL: Lift me from underneath.
164
00:05:42,487 --> 00:05:43,726
[GRUNTS]
165
00:05:45,109 --> 00:05:46,625
So, this work?
166
00:05:46,691 --> 00:05:49,328
No, I'm so sorry.
167
00:05:49,395 --> 00:05:51,830
I'm gonna need to see it
over there again.
168
00:05:51,897 --> 00:05:52,898
? ?
169
00:05:53,050 --> 00:05:54,359
- Yeah.
- Okay.
170
00:05:57,234 --> 00:05:59,772
This is about played out.
What else can they move?
171
00:05:59,838 --> 00:06:01,106
This feels wrong.
172
00:06:01,174 --> 00:06:02,842
We're all in committed relationships.
173
00:06:02,909 --> 00:06:05,144
We shouldn't be gawking at these guys.
174
00:06:05,210 --> 00:06:07,813
It's not cheating if it's not physical.
175
00:06:07,881 --> 00:06:10,215
You don't believe in emotional cheating?
176
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:12,312
No. This isn't emotional.
177
00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:15,007
The only thing crying is my vagina.
178
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,350
I'm just sayin'.
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00:06:17,857 --> 00:06:19,025
She wet.
180
00:06:19,092 --> 00:06:20,664
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
181
00:06:21,338 --> 00:06:22,573
C.F.?
182
00:06:22,598 --> 00:06:24,664
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! [GIGGLES]
183
00:06:25,565 --> 00:06:27,133
Okay, I'm a little busy right now...
184
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,734
- I know.
- With the... with the children.
185
00:06:28,801 --> 00:06:31,003
These kids are everywhere.
186
00:06:33,104 --> 00:06:34,405
As part of our mentorship,
187
00:06:34,472 --> 00:06:36,342
I want to pitch a few
story ideas to you.
188
00:06:36,409 --> 00:06:38,077
- Again, I'm not your mentor.
- Okay.
189
00:06:38,143 --> 00:06:40,144
So, it's a story
about an empowered female
190
00:06:40,212 --> 00:06:42,448
who is determined
to stand up for herself,
191
00:06:42,515 --> 00:06:44,183
so she confronts her boyfriend.
192
00:06:44,249 --> 00:06:46,234
"Why won't you return my texts?"
193
00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:49,296
WORKING TITLE: this emoji...
194
00:06:54,156 --> 00:06:56,495
So, definitely not that.
195
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,265
Do you have other ideas?
196
00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:00,665
Oh. Let me see here.
197
00:07:00,732 --> 00:07:02,268
Uh-huh.
198
00:07:03,775 --> 00:07:05,777
That was actually my only idea.
199
00:07:06,476 --> 00:07:07,840
[SIGHS] Why don't you try one
200
00:07:07,907 --> 00:07:09,945
that doesn't revolve around a boy?
201
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:11,843
Okay. Got it.
202
00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:13,946
It's a story about a girl
203
00:07:14,013 --> 00:07:15,647
hangin' in the park,
204
00:07:15,715 --> 00:07:16,914
talking to another girl.
205
00:07:16,939 --> 00:07:18,054
I like that.
206
00:07:18,079 --> 00:07:20,992
And she says, "Why won't my
boyfriend return my texts?"
207
00:07:21,017 --> 00:07:22,052
Oh, boy.
208
00:07:22,077 --> 00:07:24,223
Try one where the protagonist
209
00:07:24,289 --> 00:07:27,426
doesn't mention or interact
with men at all.
210
00:07:28,272 --> 00:07:29,707
Okay, got it.
211
00:07:29,915 --> 00:07:33,132
It's a girl, sitting in her apartment,
212
00:07:33,401 --> 00:07:34,687
alone.
213
00:07:35,111 --> 00:07:36,367
And?
214
00:07:37,492 --> 00:07:40,273
- What is she doing?
- Nothing, like you said.
215
00:07:40,369 --> 00:07:41,414
[SIGHS]
216
00:07:41,601 --> 00:07:43,443
How do you write a woman without a man?
217
00:07:43,510 --> 00:07:44,909
It's impossible!
218
00:07:44,977 --> 00:07:46,479
- What's this?
- These are just illustrations
219
00:07:46,546 --> 00:07:48,070
I made from the point of view
of the woman.
220
00:07:48,095 --> 00:07:49,679
Well, that's great.
221
00:07:51,795 --> 00:07:53,320
They're just pictures of men.
222
00:07:55,264 --> 00:07:56,593
[EXOTIC SITAR MUSIC]
223
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,448
What are you doing?
224
00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:02,765
Meditating.
225
00:08:02,790 --> 00:08:04,484
I thought my book idea might come to me,
226
00:08:04,509 --> 00:08:05,671
but I keep fantasizing
227
00:08:05,696 --> 00:08:07,386
about Jason Momoa as Aquaman!
228
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:08,554
If I rolled my eyes
229
00:08:08,579 --> 00:08:10,965
as hard as I want to right now,
I'd go blind.
230
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:13,360
At least I am trying, Deb.
231
00:08:13,427 --> 00:08:15,234
Okay. What do you want to write about?
232
00:08:15,259 --> 00:08:17,320
I don't know. Something for girls?
233
00:08:17,359 --> 00:08:19,031
Well, if you're looking for ideas,
234
00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:20,933
there are girls all around you.
235
00:08:21,266 --> 00:08:22,500
Write what matters to them.
236
00:08:22,575 --> 00:08:24,125
Wow, Deb. That is the first time
237
00:08:24,150 --> 00:08:25,934
you've ever given me advice
that didn't involve
238
00:08:25,959 --> 00:08:27,164
pepper spray or a baseball bat.
239
00:08:27,189 --> 00:08:28,524
No prob.
240
00:08:28,703 --> 00:08:30,172
I gotta go give the Moving Hunks
241
00:08:30,238 --> 00:08:32,468
something else to do before
they try to take off again.
242
00:08:32,594 --> 00:08:34,308
Oh, no, oh, no! You're so big,
243
00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:36,195
I'm getting pulled in by your gravity!
244
00:08:36,220 --> 00:08:37,365
Earthquake.
245
00:08:37,390 --> 00:08:39,021
- Leave me alone.
- Hey!
246
00:08:39,046 --> 00:08:40,140
Stop it.
247
00:08:40,165 --> 00:08:41,633
What do you think you're doing?
248
00:08:41,658 --> 00:08:43,320
- Nothing.
- "Nothing."
249
00:08:43,539 --> 00:08:45,617
You think making fun of someone
is nothing?
250
00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:47,111
Hmm. What if someone said to you,
251
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:49,500
"Nice vest.
What are you, a service dog?"
252
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,715
Or you. What if someone said to you,
253
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,007
"Jeffrey Dahmer wants his glasses back"?
254
00:08:54,093 --> 00:08:55,685
And don't act like I haven't
seen your mom
255
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:58,125
pulling you on a leash at the mall, Bob.
256
00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,779
Say you're sorry.
257
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,226
Sorry.
258
00:09:01,827 --> 00:09:03,500
Okay. Bye.
259
00:09:05,023 --> 00:09:07,226
I am so sorry
that happened to you, Lizzie.
260
00:09:07,539 --> 00:09:09,107
Bullying is not okay.
261
00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:10,775
No one should ever make fun of someone
262
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,077
for the way they look.
263
00:09:12,144 --> 00:09:14,145
One day, these people are gonna see
264
00:09:14,212 --> 00:09:16,915
how bomb you are, and they'll be sorry.
265
00:09:16,982 --> 00:09:18,890
- Thanks, Ms. Snap.
- [GIGGLES]
266
00:09:19,686 --> 00:09:21,046
Oh, my God. [GASPS]
267
00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:22,851
That's my book!
268
00:09:23,054 --> 00:09:24,189
[CYMBAL SHIMMERING]
269
00:09:24,515 --> 00:09:27,289
Oh! Good for you. Off you go.
270
00:09:27,927 --> 00:09:29,428
Thank you, Jesus.
271
00:09:29,495 --> 00:09:30,529
[SMOOTH POP MUSIC]
272
00:09:30,596 --> 00:09:32,097
You mean, thank me?
273
00:09:32,164 --> 00:09:34,366
I've booked them
for the rest of the week.
274
00:09:34,433 --> 00:09:35,734
Ugh.
275
00:09:36,203 --> 00:09:37,569
I don't feel so good.
276
00:09:37,635 --> 00:09:38,703
What's wrong?
277
00:09:38,728 --> 00:09:40,601
- I don't know, I just...
- [GASPS]
278
00:09:42,174 --> 00:09:44,809
- Are you okay, Miss?
- I'm so cold.
279
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,812
Hypothermia. Hey, hey, come here.
280
00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:48,029
We gotta warm her up.
281
00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:49,348
Come on, skin to skin.
282
00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:50,710
Come on.
283
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,179
Oh... [GROANS]
284
00:09:54,164 --> 00:09:56,955
- Right there.
- I think I'm gonna need more skin.
285
00:09:57,021 --> 00:09:58,123
Get that thing off.
286
00:09:58,191 --> 00:09:59,492
Come on, bring it in tight.
287
00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:01,459
So, so cold.
288
00:10:01,527 --> 00:10:02,984
[MEN BREATHING HEAVILY]
289
00:10:03,830 --> 00:10:05,397
[MOANS]
290
00:10:05,463 --> 00:10:07,833
So cold!
291
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,096
[ROCK MUSIC]
292
00:10:11,437 --> 00:10:12,938
Thank you.
293
00:10:13,005 --> 00:10:15,601
I'm feeling much better now.
294
00:10:18,543 --> 00:10:20,212
Excuse me, boys.
295
00:10:20,279 --> 00:10:23,448
I'm supposed to rub
these transdermal vitamins
296
00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:27,421
on my lower back,
for the health of my baby,
297
00:10:27,446 --> 00:10:29,320
and I can't seem to reach.
298
00:10:29,388 --> 00:10:30,923
Oh, let me help you with that, miss.
299
00:10:30,990 --> 00:10:32,392
Only if it's not too much trouble.
300
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,687
- Yeah, no, not at all.
- Oh!
301
00:10:38,063 --> 00:10:39,398
[SENSUAL R&B MUSIC]
302
00:10:41,460 --> 00:10:42,710
[MOANS]
303
00:10:43,802 --> 00:10:45,398
Oh, no. [GASPS]
304
00:10:47,639 --> 00:10:50,476
I hope I don't choke on this.
305
00:10:50,543 --> 00:10:51,710
[GASPS]
306
00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:53,101
? ?
307
00:10:53,879 --> 00:10:55,132
[GAGGING]
308
00:10:58,549 --> 00:11:00,156
Good work, Mary-Louise.
309
00:11:00,885 --> 00:11:02,988
I didn't think you had it in you.
310
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:06,373
Oh, wait, she's really choking.
311
00:11:06,398 --> 00:11:08,628
Oh, no, no, don't stop
creaming me up, though.
312
00:11:08,694 --> 00:11:09,694
- Oh!
- They got it.
313
00:11:09,761 --> 00:11:11,015
- Heimlich!
- [MOANS]
314
00:11:11,609 --> 00:11:12,906
Back brace is in the way.
315
00:11:12,931 --> 00:11:14,975
What's a back brace doing
on a young woman?
316
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,156
[RETCHES]
317
00:11:16,769 --> 00:11:17,914
[CYMBAL SHIMMERING]
318
00:11:22,086 --> 00:11:23,578
I'm sorry, sir.
319
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,611
I thought it was chewing gum.
320
00:11:25,678 --> 00:11:27,480
They're both pink, you know.
321
00:11:27,545 --> 00:11:28,846
[PERCUSSIVE STING]
322
00:11:29,234 --> 00:11:30,461
Hello?
323
00:11:30,609 --> 00:11:31,851
Everyone?
324
00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:33,152
I know you're all excited
325
00:11:33,218 --> 00:11:34,886
to hear C.F. Blinky read tomorrow,
326
00:11:34,953 --> 00:11:38,273
but there's another author in da house.
327
00:11:38,851 --> 00:11:40,159
[LAUGHS] Me!
328
00:11:40,226 --> 00:11:42,962
So gather around because my first book
329
00:11:43,029 --> 00:11:45,773
is about to drop right now.
330
00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:51,897
Before I begin, I would like to thank
331
00:11:51,922 --> 00:11:53,973
the woman I would stand with
on a mountain,
332
00:11:54,038 --> 00:11:55,674
bathe with in the sea,
333
00:11:55,740 --> 00:11:57,710
and lay with like this forever.
334
00:11:57,777 --> 00:11:59,879
My mentor, C.F. Blinky.
335
00:11:59,946 --> 00:12:01,086
Nope.
336
00:12:01,981 --> 00:12:03,615
I'm not your mentor.
337
00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,055
I'm not her mentor, guys.
338
00:12:05,305 --> 00:12:08,721
This story was inspired
by a very moving experience
339
00:12:08,788 --> 00:12:10,056
I had with a little girl
340
00:12:10,122 --> 00:12:12,424
who was going through a difficult time.
341
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:16,945
"TINY TINA": a book by Dr. Chelsea Snap.
342
00:12:19,631 --> 00:12:21,265
This is Tina.
343
00:12:21,930 --> 00:12:23,635
Tina was tubby.
344
00:12:24,117 --> 00:12:27,005
Every day, she was bullied,
and she would cry.
345
00:12:27,072 --> 00:12:28,707
She thought to herself,
346
00:12:28,774 --> 00:12:30,275
"Will this ever end?"
347
00:12:30,341 --> 00:12:32,039
So she stopped eating.
348
00:12:32,987 --> 00:12:34,430
And she got thinner...
349
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,336
and thinner... and thinner...
350
00:12:40,930 --> 00:12:42,234
And thinner...
351
00:12:43,265 --> 00:12:46,476
and thinner... and thinner,
352
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,962
until her hunger plateaued
and she was finally happy,
353
00:12:51,029 --> 00:12:52,601
because she was tiny.
354
00:12:53,865 --> 00:12:55,078
The end.
355
00:12:57,052 --> 00:12:58,287
[ROCK MUSIC]
356
00:13:00,409 --> 00:13:01,442
Hey, hey.
357
00:13:01,666 --> 00:13:03,914
You wrote a pro-anorexia book?
358
00:13:03,939 --> 00:13:05,407
Pro-anorexia?
359
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,570
I wrote a book about a fat girl
who takes control
360
00:13:07,595 --> 00:13:08,898
of her life by not eating anymore.
361
00:13:08,923 --> 00:13:11,562
That's the definition of anorexia.
362
00:13:11,587 --> 00:13:13,867
That book was reprehensible!
363
00:13:13,892 --> 00:13:15,320
But it didn't have any men in it!
364
00:13:15,345 --> 00:13:17,187
Oh, my God. Okay, you know what?
365
00:13:17,212 --> 00:13:18,347
Stop writing.
366
00:13:18,372 --> 00:13:20,367
Your ideas should not be heard.
367
00:13:20,454 --> 00:13:21,476
Excuse me?
368
00:13:21,493 --> 00:13:24,085
Hey, you want to have
a positive effect on the world?
369
00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:26,006
Never write anything ever again!
370
00:13:26,031 --> 00:13:27,484
You are not a writer!
371
00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:30,863
They told Andy Warhol
he wasn't a painter!
372
00:13:30,928 --> 00:13:33,764
And he stuck with it,
and look what happened!
373
00:13:33,831 --> 00:13:37,508
Campbell's Soup ended up
using his art on their cans!
374
00:13:39,789 --> 00:13:41,187
[SIGHS] I will not give up.
375
00:13:42,341 --> 00:13:44,275
[THUNDER ROLLING]
376
00:13:44,341 --> 00:13:46,101
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
377
00:13:47,711 --> 00:13:49,179
Oh, hi.
378
00:13:49,246 --> 00:13:51,716
I'm just grabbing some desks
for the Hunks to move tomorrow.
379
00:13:51,783 --> 00:13:53,018
? ?
380
00:13:53,383 --> 00:13:55,854
Wait, what are you doing here so late?
381
00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:57,789
Proving everyone wrong.
382
00:13:57,855 --> 00:13:59,157
Chelsea.
383
00:13:59,224 --> 00:14:00,492
If you want to try and convince people
384
00:14:00,558 --> 00:14:02,293
you're not a terrible teacher,
385
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,495
the children have to be here.
386
00:14:04,890 --> 00:14:06,398
[SCOFFS] I don't care about that.
387
00:14:06,463 --> 00:14:09,172
No one ever thinks I'm capable
of achieving my goals:
388
00:14:09,297 --> 00:14:10,769
the producers of "Real World,"
389
00:14:10,836 --> 00:14:12,537
the producers of "Naked and Afraid,"
390
00:14:12,604 --> 00:14:14,969
the producers of "Teen Mom,"
and now C.F. Blinky.
391
00:14:14,994 --> 00:14:16,375
I refuse to let another person
392
00:14:16,442 --> 00:14:17,942
write me off as not good enough!
393
00:14:18,009 --> 00:14:20,969
- "Teen Mom"?
- I would have gotten pregnant!
394
00:14:21,289 --> 00:14:23,711
I think you're overlooking
a crucial adjective.
395
00:14:23,736 --> 00:14:24,870
[GASPS]
396
00:14:25,601 --> 00:14:26,750
[SIGHS]
397
00:14:26,817 --> 00:14:28,153
? ?
398
00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:29,430
Thank you!
399
00:14:29,492 --> 00:14:31,855
I am young and talented.
I am young and talented.
400
00:14:31,923 --> 00:14:33,453
I am young and talented!
401
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,070
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
402
00:14:35,931 --> 00:14:39,402
"Patty Parakeet
Breaks the Glass Ceiling."
403
00:14:39,427 --> 00:14:40,594
Thank you.
404
00:14:41,196 --> 00:14:42,359
[LAUGHS] Yes.
405
00:14:43,402 --> 00:14:47,239
Hey, uh, we just want to say
thanks for all the help.
406
00:14:47,306 --> 00:14:49,208
We're gonna really miss you guys.
407
00:14:49,274 --> 00:14:52,009
- Wish we could say the same.
- I'm sorry?
408
00:14:52,077 --> 00:14:53,544
We felt completely objectified
409
00:14:53,611 --> 00:14:54,846
by you ladies all week.
410
00:14:54,913 --> 00:14:57,031
But you're called Moving Hunks.
411
00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:59,234
You wear tiny jean shorts.
412
00:14:59,259 --> 00:15:01,000
- And tight tank tops.
- Whoa.
413
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,805
We wear those so we can feel sexy.
414
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:03,953
Not for you.
415
00:15:03,978 --> 00:15:06,633
Yeah, I'm just doing this to put myself
through medical school.
416
00:15:06,658 --> 00:15:09,060
- I felt unsafe.
- Whoa. Relax.
417
00:15:09,126 --> 00:15:11,711
Okay. Please don't tell us to relax.
418
00:15:12,143 --> 00:15:13,612
It's really condescending.
419
00:15:16,515 --> 00:15:17,636
The end.
420
00:15:17,702 --> 00:15:19,136
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Oh, hold on.
421
00:15:19,203 --> 00:15:20,383
No, no, what are you doing?
422
00:15:20,408 --> 00:15:21,437
[LAUGHS]
423
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:23,562
Everyone, uh, wait.
424
00:15:23,650 --> 00:15:24,656
Don't move.
425
00:15:24,681 --> 00:15:26,422
There is one more author.
426
00:15:27,364 --> 00:15:28,399
Me.
427
00:15:28,625 --> 00:15:29,656
Hey, girl.
428
00:15:29,681 --> 00:15:30,953
- Ugh.
- So sorry. That was great.
429
00:15:30,985 --> 00:15:32,351
- I was so inspired.
- Okay.
430
00:15:32,376 --> 00:15:33,777
Get ready to be wowed, though.
431
00:15:34,933 --> 00:15:36,168
[SIGHS]
432
00:15:37,328 --> 00:15:38,523
Before I begin,
433
00:15:38,590 --> 00:15:40,458
I would like to apologize
to those of you
434
00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:42,293
who were at my reading of "Tiny Tina."
435
00:15:42,515 --> 00:15:44,394
I have since learned
that Tina was not happy
436
00:15:44,461 --> 00:15:46,078
and she did have issues.
437
00:15:48,289 --> 00:15:49,734
"Medium-Size Marla":
438
00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:52,523
a book by Nobel Laureate Chelsea Snap.
439
00:15:55,719 --> 00:15:57,307
Marla wasn't fat.
440
00:15:57,375 --> 00:15:59,077
Marla wasn't skinny.
441
00:15:59,144 --> 00:16:01,875
Marla was average and okay with it.
442
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,055
[UPLIFTING PIANO MUSIC]
443
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:05,805
People didn't stare at her
or call her names.
444
00:16:05,984 --> 00:16:07,318
They just kind of thought,
445
00:16:07,385 --> 00:16:08,886
"Marla? I don't really have
446
00:16:08,953 --> 00:16:11,351
a strong opinion about her either way."
447
00:16:12,648 --> 00:16:14,292
When people were introduced to her,
448
00:16:14,359 --> 00:16:16,195
they'd say, "I don't think we've met,"
449
00:16:16,220 --> 00:16:17,740
but she'd always met them,
450
00:16:17,939 --> 00:16:20,309
sometimes three or four times.
451
00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:21,966
But they were usually okay with her
452
00:16:22,033 --> 00:16:23,400
when they were reintroduced,
453
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:24,890
so she didn't mind.
454
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,671
She had a good time at the party.
455
00:16:27,739 --> 00:16:29,240
No one asked her to dance,
456
00:16:29,307 --> 00:16:31,328
but no one asked her to leave either.
457
00:16:31,809 --> 00:16:33,678
Marla was able to skate through life
458
00:16:33,745 --> 00:16:35,484
without ever being noticed.
459
00:16:35,568 --> 00:16:37,640
And it was A-OK.
460
00:16:38,782 --> 00:16:40,055
The end.
461
00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:43,994
[COUGHS]
462
00:16:44,288 --> 00:16:45,408
? ?
463
00:16:46,557 --> 00:16:49,697
- C.F.? Ooh.
- Hey, girl.
464
00:16:49,722 --> 00:16:51,315
Hey, C.F. Hey.
465
00:16:52,339 --> 00:16:53,374
What did you think?
466
00:16:53,533 --> 00:16:55,736
Well, it was a book.
467
00:16:55,770 --> 00:16:56,837
Uh-huh.
468
00:16:56,862 --> 00:16:58,729
Uh, not a very good book.
469
00:16:58,836 --> 00:17:01,306
There was no story, no structure,
470
00:17:01,373 --> 00:17:03,674
the character was completely
one-dimensional,
471
00:17:03,741 --> 00:17:05,869
and it lacked any point of view.
472
00:17:05,979 --> 00:17:07,377
But other than that...
473
00:17:11,382 --> 00:17:12,651
Did you guys hear that?
474
00:17:12,676 --> 00:17:14,577
Yeah. That was rough.
475
00:17:15,052 --> 00:17:16,760
She said it was a book.
476
00:17:17,146 --> 00:17:19,783
Authors write books.
477
00:17:19,947 --> 00:17:21,592
I am an author!
478
00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:22,694
[SCOFFS]
479
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:24,328
Hey.
480
00:17:24,549 --> 00:17:27,080
I just wanted to say I loved your story.
481
00:17:27,550 --> 00:17:29,549
It is so refreshing
482
00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:31,158
to finally meet a woman around here
483
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:32,721
who's a real role model.
484
00:17:35,245 --> 00:17:37,252
Can I buy a copy for my niece?
485
00:17:37,277 --> 00:17:38,278
You know what?
486
00:17:38,303 --> 00:17:40,026
You can have the original manuscript.
487
00:17:40,221 --> 00:17:41,479
I'll even sign it for you.
488
00:17:41,546 --> 00:17:43,215
Wow. Thank you.
489
00:17:43,281 --> 00:17:44,817
Uh-huh.
490
00:17:50,087 --> 00:17:51,422
There you go.
491
00:17:51,489 --> 00:17:54,025
"Nice bulge, hot dick"?
492
00:17:54,092 --> 00:17:55,244
[SCOFFS]
493
00:18:00,711 --> 00:18:02,313
Excuse me, ma'am.
494
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:06,700
I heard you were looking
for a hunk to haul some junk.
495
00:18:07,024 --> 00:18:09,026
Why, yes, I was.
496
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,725
And you are quite the hunk.
497
00:18:11,986 --> 00:18:13,153
Oh!
498
00:18:13,221 --> 00:18:14,923
You even brought props.
499
00:18:16,147 --> 00:18:17,869
[SUGGESTIVE NEW AGE MUSIC]
500
00:18:21,252 --> 00:18:22,487
[GROANS]
501
00:18:23,029 --> 00:18:24,396
[WHISPERING] It's okay.
502
00:18:24,573 --> 00:18:26,143
? ?
503
00:18:28,131 --> 00:18:29,166
[GRUNTS]
504
00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:30,944
? ?
505
00:18:30,969 --> 00:18:32,237
You know what?
506
00:18:32,385 --> 00:18:35,416
I would much rather have you move
507
00:18:35,441 --> 00:18:37,518
one of those water jugs.
508
00:18:37,547 --> 00:18:40,050
Oh, you want me to move your jugs, huh?
509
00:18:40,212 --> 00:18:41,346
Oh, yeah.
510
00:18:42,053 --> 00:18:43,314
? ?
511
00:18:44,621 --> 00:18:45,854
It's empty.
512
00:18:46,015 --> 00:18:47,174
Uh-oh.
513
00:18:47,514 --> 00:18:49,016
I better fill it up.
514
00:18:49,041 --> 00:18:50,252
Oh. [GIGGLES]
515
00:18:51,849 --> 00:18:53,026
? ?
516
00:18:53,598 --> 00:18:55,232
I gotta get underneath it.
517
00:18:56,354 --> 00:18:57,690
? ?
518
00:18:58,576 --> 00:19:00,135
- How about the toaster?
- [GRUNTS]
519
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,651
Oh, you want me to...
move your toaster, huh?
520
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:05,479
Toby, I gotta get back to work, so...
521
00:19:05,504 --> 00:19:06,846
Yeah, I'll-I'll get the toaster.
522
00:19:06,871 --> 00:19:08,191
I get it.
523
00:19:08,533 --> 00:19:09,705
[SIGHS]
524
00:19:12,703 --> 00:19:14,596
[GASPS] Oh, it's electric.
525
00:19:15,539 --> 00:19:16,588
? ?
526
00:19:17,940 --> 00:19:20,078
Ah! Hot! Hot!
527
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:25,627
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528
00:19:25,677 --> 00:19:30,227
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