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1
00:00:03,701 --> 00:00:07,734
( theme music playing )
2
00:01:23,234 --> 00:01:25,934
Hey, guys, get your money out,
I'm going to make you rich.
3
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,133
What's up, Tony?
4
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,267
I got a tip on a fight
on the island.
5
00:01:29,334 --> 00:01:30,601
We can't lose.
You know how I know?
6
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:32,267
He's fighting you?
7
00:01:32,334 --> 00:01:33,968
Better than that.
8
00:01:34,033 --> 00:01:35,334
Nothing's better than that.
9
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,167
Thank you.
10
00:01:37,234 --> 00:01:39,067
I heard these two guys talking
in the gym
11
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,968
about this light heavyweight
named Johnson, right? Yeah? Yeah?
12
00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:42,501
He's got a broken right hand,
13
00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:44,067
but he's going to fight anyway
'cause he needs the money.
14
00:01:44,133 --> 00:01:45,801
Ooh, that sounds
good to me. I'm in.
15
00:01:45,868 --> 00:01:47,167
Me, too.
I'm in. I'm in.
16
00:01:47,234 --> 00:01:48,834
Hey, Latka, do you
want to get in on this bet?
17
00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:49,834
A bet?
Yeah.
18
00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:51,167
Okay.
19
00:01:51,234 --> 00:01:52,467
Oh, come on, guys.
20
00:01:52,534 --> 00:01:53,467
What?
21
00:01:53,534 --> 00:01:54,634
ALEX:
Yeah, What?
22
00:01:54,701 --> 00:01:56,400
Do you have to get
Latka involved in this?
23
00:01:56,467 --> 00:01:58,400
Elaine, listen,
we know you get a little irrational
24
00:01:58,467 --> 00:01:59,634
when it come to
gambling, so...
25
00:01:59,701 --> 00:02:01,033
No, it's not that.
26
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:02,968
It's just that, you know,
Latka doesn't make much money
27
00:02:03,033 --> 00:02:04,300
and he has
to work so hard,
28
00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:06,267
and he's sending money
to people back home. Besides,
29
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:08,601
I bet he doesn't even know
what he's betting on.
30
00:02:08,667 --> 00:02:09,734
TONY:
Sure he does.
31
00:02:09,801 --> 00:02:11,000
That's right.
32
00:02:11,067 --> 00:02:12,501
Okay, what are you betting on?
33
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,300
Uh...
34
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:16,100
the horse racing.
35
00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:17,734
No.
36
00:02:17,801 --> 00:02:19,133
Uh... football.
37
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,567
Nope.
38
00:02:20,634 --> 00:02:21,968
Badminton?
39
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:24,400
Latka...
40
00:02:24,467 --> 00:02:26,801
Chin-punching.
41
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:28,734
Latka,
it's boxing,
42
00:02:28,801 --> 00:02:30,434
and it's
a sure thing.
43
00:02:30,501 --> 00:02:31,534
There's no sure thing.
44
00:02:31,601 --> 00:02:32,667
Hey, listen, Latka,
it's your money
45
00:02:32,734 --> 00:02:33,801
and you can do
what you want.
46
00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:34,901
That's right, Latka.
47
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:36,300
What would
you do, Alex?
48
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:38,701
Me?
Yeah.
49
00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,167
What do you mean,
if I was you? Yeah.
50
00:02:40,234 --> 00:02:42,367
I would tell Elaine, uh...
51
00:02:42,434 --> 00:02:45,801
( in Latka's voice ):
Elaine, Elaine...
52
00:02:45,868 --> 00:02:48,234
this fellow has
a broken hand,
53
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:49,968
and I could win many dollars,
54
00:02:50,033 --> 00:02:52,434
and that would make
my family and me very happy.
55
00:02:52,501 --> 00:02:53,767
Thank you very much.
56
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:01,334
You may laugh,
57
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,667
but I know people
who talk like that.
58
00:03:08,467 --> 00:03:10,200
I'm in.
59
00:03:10,267 --> 00:03:11,467
There we go.
All right.
60
00:03:11,534 --> 00:03:12,567
Listen, I'll call the bet in,
all right?
61
00:03:12,634 --> 00:03:13,767
Thanks
a lot, Alex.
62
00:03:13,834 --> 00:03:15,901
Hey, come on...
63
00:03:15,968 --> 00:03:18,267
Are you going
to bet, too, boss?
64
00:03:18,334 --> 00:03:21,133
I have one very firm
rule in my life:
65
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,334
I don't eat at
the same table,
66
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:24,934
bet on the same side,
67
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:28,067
or climb on the same
airplane as losers.
68
00:03:28,133 --> 00:03:29,334
Be gone, Iggy.
69
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,467
Okey-doke.
70
00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:33,734
ALEX:
Hey, Tony,
71
00:03:33,801 --> 00:03:35,334
thanks a lot for
letting us in on that tip.
72
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,634
Hey, don't mention it, Alex.
73
00:03:36,701 --> 00:03:38,033
Oh, it's a sweet one.
74
00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:40,601
Hey, Tony? Tony, the guy's name
is Johnson, right?
75
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:42,400
That's right,
that's our man
76
00:03:42,467 --> 00:03:43,968
and he's going down.
77
00:03:44,033 --> 00:03:47,100
Yeah, well, the guy Johnson's
fighting is named Johnson, too.
78
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:48,934
Wow.
79
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,167
What a coincidence.
80
00:03:50,234 --> 00:03:52,033
I wonder how many Johnsons
there could be?
81
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:55,634
At least two, and they're
fighting each other tonight.
82
00:03:55,701 --> 00:03:57,934
What do we do, Tone?
83
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,200
Oh, geez...
84
00:03:59,267 --> 00:04:01,167
Just bet on one of them.
85
00:04:01,234 --> 00:04:04,133
We got a 50-50 chance
on a sure thing.
86
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,634
Listen, you just have
a nice day, okay?
87
00:04:06,701 --> 00:04:08,200
Yeah, thanks a lot.
88
00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:12,501
You must all promise to keep me
informed of your flight plans.
89
00:04:12,567 --> 00:04:15,133
ALEX:
Elaine...
90
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,033
if you value our friendship,
91
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:18,467
you will not put that smirk
into words.
92
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:19,934
Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
93
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,834
I don't mean to make
you feel any worse than you do.
94
00:04:22,901 --> 00:04:25,834
It's just that I see
you guys miss every day.
95
00:04:25,901 --> 00:04:28,968
Every day you come in here
with some sure thing
96
00:04:29,033 --> 00:04:30,567
and it never works out.
97
00:04:30,634 --> 00:04:32,400
And every day at that gallery
98
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:34,467
I see rich people
getting richer.
99
00:04:34,534 --> 00:04:37,367
I mean, they are always
gambling, and it never misses.
100
00:04:37,434 --> 00:04:40,067
Just once, I'd like
to see somebody like us
101
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:41,267
make some money.
102
00:04:41,334 --> 00:04:42,400
Oh, me, too.
103
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:44,267
But how?
104
00:04:44,334 --> 00:04:46,601
By making intelligent
investments,
105
00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:47,767
you know, like in art
for example.
106
00:04:47,834 --> 00:04:49,033
Art?
107
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:51,133
You bet on painters?
108
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:54,367
Yeah, in a way.
109
00:04:54,434 --> 00:04:56,033
See, I find paintings
110
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:57,701
that I know are going
to go up in value
111
00:04:57,767 --> 00:04:59,801
and then I get other
people to invest in them
112
00:04:59,868 --> 00:05:00,934
and then they become rich.
113
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:02,300
Hey, wait a
minute, Elaine.
114
00:05:02,367 --> 00:05:04,200
If you could do it
for other people,
115
00:05:04,267 --> 00:05:05,434
you could do it for us.
116
00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:06,934
You could do it
for yourself.
117
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,167
Oh, no,
I don't think so.
118
00:05:08,234 --> 00:05:09,601
Come on, Elaine, Elaine,
We can pool our money
119
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,033
and you can
invest it
120
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:12,367
in some art
for us.
121
00:05:12,434 --> 00:05:14,767
I'm in, and there'll be
more tomorrow
122
00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:16,534
when I get my fight money.
123
00:05:16,601 --> 00:05:18,033
Oh, please.
124
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,934
No, guys, I don't like
to look at art that way.
125
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,801
See, I was just using
art as an example.
126
00:05:22,868 --> 00:05:26,267
Oh, no, but, Elaine, you
have inside information.
127
00:05:26,334 --> 00:05:29,200
I know I've got
inside information, but, um,
128
00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:32,701
I love art, and I hate using it
to make money.
129
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:34,868
Besides, how much
could we raise?
130
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:36,234
As much as we need.
131
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:37,801
Come on, come on,
let's do it.
132
00:05:37,868 --> 00:05:40,067
Yeah, Yeah, come on,
what do you say, huh?
133
00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:42,567
No, No, No. I promised myself
I'd never do it. No.
134
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,501
This could be
the best thing
135
00:05:44,567 --> 00:05:46,467
that's ever
happened for us.
136
00:05:46,534 --> 00:05:48,167
No, guys, I mean,
this is final.
137
00:05:48,234 --> 00:05:49,701
That's it, forget it.
138
00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:51,901
Boy.
139
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,968
I don't think you ever had
any inside information.
140
00:05:58,033 --> 00:06:01,200
I think you were just
trying to impress us.
141
00:06:01,267 --> 00:06:02,467
As a matter of fact,
142
00:06:02,534 --> 00:06:04,033
I know of a great
investment right now.
143
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:06,200
You do?
144
00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:08,367
Yes. There's an artist
named Max Duffin,
145
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:10,167
and he's going to
be so big. I mean,
146
00:06:10,234 --> 00:06:12,234
next week at an auction
we could get a painting for $2,000,
147
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:13,801
and by the end
of the year
148
00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:15,334
it'd be worth $5,000.
149
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:16,868
$5,000?
150
00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:19,000
We could make a fortune if we
kept doing that.
151
00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:21,234
Yeah, well, maybe
not a fortune
152
00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:22,701
but $100,000 apiece.
153
00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:25,434
100... well, it would
still be worth it.
154
00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:27,901
Listen, Elaine, please,
come on, okay? Come on.
155
00:06:27,968 --> 00:06:30,534
Yeah, come on, Elaine,
don't deny us a Duffin.
156
00:06:30,601 --> 00:06:32,234
No.
157
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:35,601
Elaine, Elaine, don't
let this chance slip by.
158
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:37,033
Do you remember "If"?
159
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,234
"If"?
160
00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:39,634
Yeah, "If"
by Rudyard Kipling.
161
00:06:39,701 --> 00:06:43,100
"If you could make one heap
of all your winnings
162
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:46,934
"and risk it on one turn
of pitch-and-toss, and lose
163
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,734
"and start again
at your beginnings
164
00:06:48,801 --> 00:06:50,033
"and never
breathe a word
165
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:51,067
about your loss..."
166
00:06:51,133 --> 00:06:53,200
"If you can talk
with crowds
167
00:06:53,267 --> 00:06:55,234
"and keep
your virtue
168
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:59,167
"or walk with kings--
nor lose the common touch.
169
00:06:59,234 --> 00:07:03,033
"If neither foes nor loving
friends can hurt you.
170
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:06,133
"If all men count with
you, but none too much.
171
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,767
"If you can fill
the unforgiving minute
172
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:11,567
"with sixty seconds' worth
of minutes run
173
00:07:11,634 --> 00:07:13,601
"then yours
is the earth
174
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,968
"and everything that's in it
175
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:20,133
and, which is more,
you will be a man, my son!"
176
00:07:26,267 --> 00:07:28,801
Where the hell did I learn that?
177
00:07:30,467 --> 00:07:32,634
Okay, you got me.
178
00:07:32,701 --> 00:07:33,834
We did?
179
00:07:33,901 --> 00:07:35,200
Yeah, we'll do it.
We'll do it.
180
00:07:35,267 --> 00:07:36,200
( all cheer )
181
00:07:36,267 --> 00:07:37,367
Okay, now, you're sure
182
00:07:37,434 --> 00:07:39,400
this guy's work
is going to go up, right?
183
00:07:39,467 --> 00:07:40,801
I'm positive.
184
00:07:40,868 --> 00:07:43,434
Well, because there's
this thing, you know,
185
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:46,000
um, that I really
don't want to talk about
186
00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:48,968
because it's terrible
and sort of ghoulish.
187
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,100
Well, what is that?
188
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:52,100
Well... well, okay.
189
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,567
It's kind of morbid, you know,
190
00:07:54,634 --> 00:07:58,033
but it's a reality
of the art business.
191
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,934
See, um...
Max Duffin is an old man,
192
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,267
and he's in very bad health.
193
00:08:03,334 --> 00:08:07,968
And, well, uh, an artist's work
always goes up in value
194
00:08:08,033 --> 00:08:09,934
after the artist... dies.
195
00:08:12,434 --> 00:08:13,567
Oh, yeah?
196
00:08:13,634 --> 00:08:15,100
Yeah, I've known works
197
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:17,367
to triple and
quadruple in value
198
00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:20,000
the day after
the artist passed away.
199
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:23,033
Oh, I'm feeling so creepy
even talking about it.
200
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,367
Yeah, ooh, let's not talk
about that, no.
201
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,367
How sick is he?
202
00:08:29,934 --> 00:08:32,734
Louie, I don't want
to talk about it.
203
00:08:32,801 --> 00:08:33,968
Well, you don't
have to give me
204
00:08:34,033 --> 00:08:36,801
the gruesome details.
205
00:08:36,868 --> 00:08:39,133
Can he eat solid food?
206
00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:42,000
Does he recognize visitors?
207
00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:43,667
Is he on any machines?
208
00:08:43,734 --> 00:08:47,067
I mean, is there a plug
somebody might accidentally...
209
00:08:47,133 --> 00:08:48,734
Whoop! Trip over?
210
00:08:48,801 --> 00:08:50,367
Hey, Louie, what do you care?
211
00:08:50,434 --> 00:08:52,767
Well, suddenly,
this investment interests me.
212
00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:55,234
I mean, as I see it, buying one
of the old geezer's paintings
213
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:57,334
is like betting
he's going to die.
214
00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:58,467
We can't lose.
215
00:08:58,534 --> 00:08:59,567
What do you
mean "we"?
216
00:08:59,634 --> 00:09:01,501
I want in.
217
00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:02,567
Hey, forget it, Louie.
218
00:09:02,634 --> 00:09:03,667
No way, Louie.
219
00:09:03,734 --> 00:09:05,400
No, wait a minute, hold on.
220
00:09:05,467 --> 00:09:08,267
You two dumb bozos can't
decide for everybody.
221
00:09:08,334 --> 00:09:10,734
All the dumb bozos
have to have a say.
222
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:15,434
All right, let's be
democratic about it.
223
00:09:15,501 --> 00:09:16,601
All those
in favor
224
00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:18,734
of keeping Louie
out of this deal
225
00:09:18,801 --> 00:09:21,000
signify so by
spitting on his shoes.
226
00:09:21,067 --> 00:09:22,534
Now, wait,
hold on, here.
227
00:09:22,601 --> 00:09:24,234
You better
think this over.
228
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,033
I mean, this is not
penny-ante stuff here.
229
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:29,300
I mean, we're dealing with
big stakes here, boys and girls.
230
00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:32,200
You need somebody
who's got a bankroll.
231
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:35,133
I got money.
232
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,434
Why don't we vote on it?
233
00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:39,667
Maybe we should.
234
00:09:39,734 --> 00:09:41,200
BOBBY:
Oh, we don't need to vote...
235
00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:43,701
No, I think we do.
Uh, Louie...
236
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:45,501
Would you mind giving us
a little privacy
237
00:09:45,567 --> 00:09:46,968
so we can talk about this?
238
00:09:47,033 --> 00:09:48,601
Why, certainly.
239
00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:51,067
I'll just sit over here
240
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:53,167
turn my back away and,
uh, you know,
241
00:09:53,234 --> 00:09:55,467
you just pretend
I'm not in the room,
242
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:57,767
and I'll respect
the confidentiality
243
00:09:57,834 --> 00:09:59,100
of your discussion.
244
00:10:02,634 --> 00:10:03,801
I hate him.
245
00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:05,634
Okay, look,
maybe he's right.
246
00:10:05,701 --> 00:10:07,400
Maybe we do
need his money.
247
00:10:07,467 --> 00:10:09,334
No. Come on,
we got enough amongst ourselves.
248
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,100
How much you said
we needed, $2,000?
249
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:12,434
Yeah.
250
00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:14,067
Okay. How much are we
all going to throw in?
251
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:15,067
A ballpark
figure, Tony.
252
00:10:15,133 --> 00:10:16,067
What do you think?
253
00:10:16,133 --> 00:10:17,234
Oh, 200 bucks.
254
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:18,434
All right. Bobby?
255
00:10:18,501 --> 00:10:19,434
About the same.
256
00:10:19,501 --> 00:10:21,067
Elaine?
Maybe $250?
257
00:10:21,133 --> 00:10:22,133
ALEX:
Good. Latka?
258
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,434
350 Brokniks.
259
00:10:24,501 --> 00:10:26,767
How much is that
in American money?
260
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:28,167
Nothing.
261
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:30,200
Jim, Jim...
262
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:31,267
$18.
263
00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:32,634
Is that all?
264
00:10:32,701 --> 00:10:34,868
Hey, I can buy and sell Latka.
265
00:10:37,367 --> 00:10:39,300
Okay, uh, so
without you, Alex,
266
00:10:39,367 --> 00:10:40,567
we have about $700
267
00:10:40,634 --> 00:10:42,167
and with you
we have...?
268
00:10:42,234 --> 00:10:43,701
A desperate need for Louie.
269
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:46,200
I'm sorry. I blew my whole
bankroll on that skiing trip.
270
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:47,334
I'm sorry.
271
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,400
Okay, but no-- guys,
this is our chance.
272
00:10:48,467 --> 00:10:50,067
Come on, this
one painting
273
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:51,334
could do it for us.
274
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,434
Really. Whatever we have
to do we should do it.
275
00:10:53,501 --> 00:10:54,434
Trust me on this.
276
00:10:54,501 --> 00:10:56,200
I'm the practical
one, remember?
277
00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:58,801
Guess there's only
one way to settle it.
278
00:10:58,868 --> 00:11:00,267
Let's vote.
279
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:02,334
Okay, but look, let's make
it unanimous-- unanimous.
280
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,434
Otherwise, he's
not in, okay?
281
00:11:04,501 --> 00:11:05,667
( all agree )
Jim.
282
00:11:05,734 --> 00:11:08,033
All those in favor
of keeping Louie in,
283
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,801
raise your hands.
284
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:20,968
Raise it or lose
it, Wheeler.
285
00:11:21,968 --> 00:11:23,634
That a boy.
286
00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:42,033
You know, I... I've-I've heard
that there's a thrill
287
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,434
associated with coming
in contact with great art,
288
00:11:44,501 --> 00:11:47,234
but I never realized how true
it was until this very moment.
289
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,100
Bobby, these are just prints.
290
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,434
They're copies
of original paintings.
291
00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:53,100
They're almost
worthless.
292
00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:54,467
The actual paintings
for auction
293
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:56,434
are in the other room.
294
00:11:56,501 --> 00:11:57,667
Oh.
295
00:11:58,834 --> 00:12:00,801
Alex, just so you'll be
informed,
296
00:12:00,868 --> 00:12:03,167
I want to explain
what this paddle is for.
297
00:12:03,234 --> 00:12:04,167
You see, you use it...
298
00:12:04,234 --> 00:12:05,701
I know what
it's for, Elaine.
299
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,000
I'm not a total dummy.
300
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:09,067
I know something
about the world of culture.
301
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:10,400
Okay.
302
00:12:10,467 --> 00:12:12,067
Hey, what's it for?
303
00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:14,267
What do you mean,
this paddle? Yeah.
304
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,334
Well, it's for making your bid.
Well, it's for making your bid.
305
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,000
You hold it up to be
You hold it up to be
306
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:20,334
recognized by
the auctioneer. recognized by the auctioneer.
307
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:21,834
Does that explain it
for you, Bob?
308
00:12:30,934 --> 00:12:33,634
Oh, good, you gave Latka
the day off.
309
00:12:33,701 --> 00:12:35,567
Yeah, I told him
that all he had to do
310
00:12:35,634 --> 00:12:39,267
is fix the problem in cab 643,
he could come with us.
311
00:12:39,334 --> 00:12:40,734
Oh, did you
get it fixed?
312
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:42,167
Uh... almost.
313
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,634
What's that?
314
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:49,667
Uh... uh...
I don't know.
315
00:12:49,734 --> 00:12:52,167
That's the problem.
316
00:12:52,834 --> 00:12:54,501
Oh, no.
317
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,133
Jim...
318
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,667
I thought you were
going to dress up.
319
00:13:04,734 --> 00:13:06,534
Yeah, I loaned
you a suit. What happened?
320
00:13:06,601 --> 00:13:10,734
I know, but it didn't
fit me, except the tie.
321
00:13:10,801 --> 00:13:12,200
As luck would have it,
322
00:13:12,267 --> 00:13:15,567
we've got the
same tie size.
323
00:13:15,634 --> 00:13:18,567
Yeah, that
is lucky.
324
00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:19,634
Guys, why
don't we go in
325
00:13:19,701 --> 00:13:20,667
and get
a good seat.
326
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:22,000
Oh, okay.
327
00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:28,367
Whew. Hey, Elaine
328
00:13:28,434 --> 00:13:30,667
better tell us
what to do in there.
329
00:13:30,734 --> 00:13:33,067
We never been to
nothing like this.
330
00:13:33,133 --> 00:13:35,033
Oh, Tony, don't worry
about it, just relax.
331
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,567
I'm going to take
care of the bidding,
332
00:13:36,634 --> 00:13:40,067
so, uh, you guys just try to
maintain an air of dignity.
333
00:13:43,968 --> 00:13:45,234
So...
334
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,567
Miss Nardo,
which one is ours?
335
00:13:47,634 --> 00:13:49,434
( whispers )
336
00:13:49,501 --> 00:13:50,667
Oh.
337
00:13:51,868 --> 00:13:55,033
This is worth
2,000 bucks?
338
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:58,400
Yes, and it's
going up as we're talking about it.
339
00:13:58,467 --> 00:14:00,067
Gee, you know, it's untitled.
340
00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:02,267
For 2,000 bucks, you'd think
they'd throw in a name.
341
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,901
You... you
know something?
342
00:14:05,968 --> 00:14:07,200
I like it.
343
00:14:07,267 --> 00:14:08,501
LATKA:
Me, too.
344
00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:09,801
It is
very pretty.
345
00:14:09,868 --> 00:14:10,868
Yeah?
346
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,033
Well, enjoy it all
you want now,
347
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:13,801
because we're only
holding onto this rag
348
00:14:13,868 --> 00:14:16,133
until the old
geezer croaks,
349
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,234
and then it's gone.
350
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:20,200
Well, on that
inspiring note,
351
00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:22,601
I think we better
take our seats.
352
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:26,200
Why don't we sit in the front
where we can be heard?
353
00:14:26,267 --> 00:14:28,567
But there's only
one seat left in the front.
354
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:30,133
Not for long.
355
00:14:31,968 --> 00:14:34,901
( starts to cough )
356
00:14:34,968 --> 00:14:36,234
( clears throat )
357
00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:39,567
( hawks up phlegm )
358
00:14:39,634 --> 00:14:41,667
( hacking loudly )
359
00:14:41,734 --> 00:14:43,868
( heaves )
360
00:14:43,934 --> 00:14:47,734
( coughing loudly )
361
00:14:47,801 --> 00:14:48,934
( hacks )
362
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:49,934
( snorts )
363
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,300
( coughing )
364
00:14:54,334 --> 00:14:56,167
Way to go, Louie.
365
00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:08,167
It's just what
I expected--
366
00:15:08,234 --> 00:15:09,968
they estimate our
painting will sell
367
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:13,300
for between $1,000
and $1,800.
368
00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:15,801
We only have $2,000.
369
00:15:15,868 --> 00:15:19,033
Louie, are you sure you
can't go any further?
370
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:21,467
I told you, I got
every penny I own
371
00:15:21,534 --> 00:15:22,901
sunk into this deal.
372
00:15:22,968 --> 00:15:25,734
I thought you said you
had a lot of money.
373
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:27,434
Yeah, but it's
not in cash.
374
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:30,400
Most of my assets are
tied up in investments.
375
00:15:30,467 --> 00:15:33,400
I know I'm going to
regret asking this:
376
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,300
what sort of investments
377
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,767
are your assets
tied up in, Lou?
378
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:41,167
Well, right now all my money's
in a nursing home in Jersey.
379
00:15:41,234 --> 00:15:43,501
I mean, you know, nursing homes
are a really good deal.
380
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:46,501
The only problem is
the people that run this one
381
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,434
spend too much money on upkeep,
you know,
382
00:15:48,501 --> 00:15:51,267
and there's not enough profits
to go around.
383
00:15:51,334 --> 00:15:53,167
Why don't you
straighten them out, Lou?
384
00:15:53,234 --> 00:15:55,501
I tried. I told them,
385
00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:58,434
"Those people don't eat
three meals a day." I mean,
386
00:15:58,501 --> 00:16:00,167
their memories are so bad
387
00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:03,434
they don't know whether they
had three meals or a cracker.
388
00:16:03,501 --> 00:16:05,534
I say let them sleep.
389
00:16:05,601 --> 00:16:06,767
Louie?
390
00:16:06,834 --> 00:16:08,901
What?
391
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,634
You're a
slime, Louie.
392
00:16:11,701 --> 00:16:14,701
Ladies and gentlemen, we're
about to begin the auction.
393
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:15,868
All right,
all right,
394
00:16:15,934 --> 00:16:18,601
let's settle down here
and concentrate.
395
00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,400
Our first item today
396
00:16:20,467 --> 00:16:23,234
will be a painting
by Wallace Leidegger
397
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:25,234
entitled Nude at Daybreak.
398
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:26,634
All right!
399
00:16:34,634 --> 00:16:37,734
My God, I know her!
400
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:47,734
She's dyed her hair,
but that's her.
401
00:16:47,801 --> 00:16:49,801
Jim, Jim,
sit down.
402
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:54,200
And may we have $1,800
to start, please?
403
00:16:54,267 --> 00:16:57,167
$1,800. Thank you--
$1,800 is bid.
404
00:16:57,234 --> 00:16:59,934
19 for it-- $1,900.
Now $2,000.
405
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,334
LOUIE:
Hey, Elaine, our painting's next.
406
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,801
Now, as I see it,
it's in our best interest
407
00:17:04,868 --> 00:17:06,167
that we make
everybody else think
408
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:07,167
it's worthless, right?
409
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:09,701
Louie, please.
410
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:13,200
Our next painting is
another work by Max Duffin.
411
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:14,534
Yike!
412
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:16,067
Whew!
413
00:17:16,133 --> 00:17:18,234
How did that
get in here?
414
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:20,133
( blows a raspberry )
415
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,534
Yuck!
416
00:17:21,601 --> 00:17:23,601
Ugh!
417
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,667
This painting is untitled.
418
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:28,133
I got one for it.
419
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,934
How about "Garbage"?
420
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,701
( all shushing Louie )
421
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:33,300
What is
wrong with you?
422
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,634
Okay, listen,
everybody, this is it.
423
00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:37,200
Now, pay attention.
424
00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:39,767
May we have $1,000
to start this painting, please?
425
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:41,000
$1,000--
Thank you.
426
00:17:41,067 --> 00:17:42,234
$1,000...
$1,000.
427
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:43,467
$1,100.
428
00:17:43,534 --> 00:17:45,534
now at 11-- $1,100 is bid-- 12.
429
00:17:45,601 --> 00:17:47,300
$1,200...
Now at 12.
430
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:48,267
$1,300, please.
431
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:50,901
$1,300 is
bid... 14.
432
00:17:50,968 --> 00:17:52,100
$1,400.
433
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:53,434
It's going too fast.
434
00:17:53,501 --> 00:17:54,734
Fifteen.
435
00:17:54,801 --> 00:17:56,400
$1,500...
436
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:57,968
Going at
14... 15.
437
00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:59,534
$1,500.
438
00:17:59,601 --> 00:18:00,934
Oh, you...
439
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,467
What's with
this guy?
440
00:18:02,534 --> 00:18:03,934
It's getting too high!
441
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,267
Well, let's bring
it down a little.
442
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:09,968
One hundred bucks,
and that's my final offer!
443
00:18:10,033 --> 00:18:11,267
At $1,500.
444
00:18:11,334 --> 00:18:14,634
$1,600... and don't
do that again, sir.
445
00:18:14,701 --> 00:18:16,601
$1,600 once... and 17.
446
00:18:17,534 --> 00:18:19,801
You're getting on my nerves!
447
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:23,667
18... $1,800
is bid.
448
00:18:23,734 --> 00:18:26,234
19... $1,900... now at $1,900.
449
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:28,434
$2,000...
$2,000.
450
00:18:28,501 --> 00:18:30,501
$2,000 at two.
451
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,901
At $2,000 once...
452
00:18:32,968 --> 00:18:34,400
We got it, we got it.
453
00:18:34,467 --> 00:18:35,834
$2,000 twice...
454
00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:37,467
Oh, we got it,
we got it, we got it!
455
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:39,968
$2,000 third...
456
00:18:40,033 --> 00:18:41,634
and $2,100
is bid.
457
00:18:41,701 --> 00:18:43,968
You better hope you don't
spend your twilight years
458
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:45,167
at Sunset Acres!
459
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:46,267
( growls )
460
00:18:50,501 --> 00:18:52,467
Hey, listen,
we need more money!
461
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:54,167
Yeah. Louie, don't
you have any more?
462
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,434
I told you
it's all I got!
463
00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:56,734
Somebody's got to
have some money, man.
464
00:18:58,434 --> 00:19:00,767
I can't believe we're
going to lose this painting for $100.
465
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,701
$2,200.
466
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:03,868
For $200.
467
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,133
$2,200...
23...
468
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,434
Oh, great, now all
we need is $400.
469
00:19:07,501 --> 00:19:08,567
Now may we hear 25?
470
00:19:08,634 --> 00:19:09,767
May we see 25?
471
00:19:09,834 --> 00:19:12,033
Thank you,
sir, $2,500.
472
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:14,133
25, 26... going to ask 27, 28...
473
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,234
go for broke-- what do you care?
474
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:17,901
Look at your
nice suit...!
475
00:19:17,968 --> 00:19:21,133
You probably got a maid
and a butler!
476
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,634
( chair crashing )
477
00:19:22,701 --> 00:19:25,901
You got maids,
you got everything!
478
00:19:25,968 --> 00:19:27,267
At 2,500...
479
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,868
At 25...
may we have
480
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:32,467
$2,700, please?
481
00:19:32,534 --> 00:19:34,133
May we... $2,700.
482
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,300
$2,700...
now 29.
483
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,434
$2,900,
$2,900 is bid...
484
00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:40,200
At $2,900.
485
00:19:40,267 --> 00:19:42,467
At $2,900
once...
486
00:19:42,534 --> 00:19:45,400
at $2,900 twice...
487
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:48,534
at $2,900...
488
00:19:48,601 --> 00:19:49,701
and sold
489
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:54,367
for $2,900,
number 498.
490
00:19:58,801 --> 00:20:02,133
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have some bad news for you.
491
00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:06,868
I have just been
handed a note
492
00:20:06,934 --> 00:20:08,601
that Max Duffin, the artist
493
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:11,000
of the last two paintings
that we sold,
494
00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:13,100
died this morning
at his home in New Mexico.
495
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:14,634
Oh, no!
496
00:20:14,701 --> 00:20:16,100
That's not fair!
497
00:20:16,167 --> 00:20:17,467
That's not...
498
00:20:17,534 --> 00:20:19,033
God, why, God?
499
00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:22,300
Well...
500
00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:24,334
this should be
a lesson to me.
501
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,834
I thought maybe,
maybe just this once,
502
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:30,267
maybe once, I could have
some dealings with losers
503
00:20:30,334 --> 00:20:31,601
and not get burned.
504
00:20:31,667 --> 00:20:32,801
It can't be done.
505
00:20:32,868 --> 00:20:34,434
It just cannot be done.
506
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,567
But, you know, if you guys
were at Normandy,
507
00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:38,968
we'd all be eating strudel
right now.
508
00:20:39,033 --> 00:20:40,901
Oh, come on, Louie,
knock it off.
509
00:20:40,968 --> 00:20:41,901
We feel as bad
as you do.
510
00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:43,234
No, you don't.
511
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:44,634
Now you don't.
512
00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:47,100
Defeat and humiliation
are a way of life for you.
513
00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:48,567
It's bad for my system.
514
00:20:49,601 --> 00:20:50,934
Elaine, what happened?
515
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,200
How come everything
516
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:54,100
was more than
we could afford?
517
00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:56,167
It just goes to
prove one thing:
518
00:20:56,234 --> 00:20:58,534
You got to have
money to make money.
519
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:00,634
I must admit
I feel pretty silly
520
00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:02,968
getting all dressed
up for nothing.
521
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:06,367
Come on.
522
00:21:06,434 --> 00:21:08,400
Come on, let's go to Mario's,
have a beer.
523
00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:09,501
Okay, yeah.
524
00:21:10,534 --> 00:21:11,901
You guys
go on ahead.
525
00:21:11,968 --> 00:21:13,434
I'm going
to stay here
526
00:21:13,501 --> 00:21:15,334
and look around
for a while.
527
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,267
Look around at what?
528
00:21:16,334 --> 00:21:17,701
I came here to buy
529
00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:19,033
a... piece of art.
530
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:23,400
I feel like...
buying a piece of art.
531
00:21:23,467 --> 00:21:25,868
I mean, uh, I'm going to buy
one of these things.
532
00:21:27,734 --> 00:21:29,534
They are for sale, aren't they?
533
00:21:29,601 --> 00:21:30,667
Mm-hmm.
534
00:21:30,734 --> 00:21:32,634
So, they may not be original.
535
00:21:32,701 --> 00:21:34,868
I mean, I may not make
any money from it.
536
00:21:34,934 --> 00:21:36,200
I'm not, am I?
537
00:21:37,567 --> 00:21:39,767
So what? I'm going to
buy something I like.
538
00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:43,534
Well...
actually, I...
539
00:21:43,601 --> 00:21:46,601
there is some stuff here
I kind of like, too.
540
00:21:46,667 --> 00:21:48,000
Yeah, maybe I'll
buy something, too.
541
00:21:48,067 --> 00:21:49,367
I got some wall
space to cover up.
542
00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:51,367
Well, yeah, let's look around.
543
00:21:51,434 --> 00:21:52,968
And, you know, if you don't see
anything you like here,
544
00:21:53,033 --> 00:21:55,334
I know a lot of places.
545
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,334
Okay.
546
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,667
Yeah.
547
00:22:00,033 --> 00:22:01,501
LOUIE:
Nardo...
548
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:03,667
I mean, what's
the big deal here?
549
00:22:03,734 --> 00:22:05,934
I mean, why buy
any of this junk
550
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,300
if it's worthless?
551
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:09,434
Louie, I think
it has a value
552
00:22:09,501 --> 00:22:11,467
that you can't
understand.
553
00:22:11,534 --> 00:22:13,000
Hold on, here.
554
00:22:13,067 --> 00:22:15,467
Now, correct me if I'm wrong,
555
00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:18,834
but I think
you just called me a slob.
556
00:22:18,901 --> 00:22:20,133
I mean,
557
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,734
I'll show you
what kind of slob I am.
558
00:22:22,801 --> 00:22:25,000
Hey, there, cookie.
559
00:22:25,067 --> 00:22:27,801
I want one of your
classiest things here--
560
00:22:27,868 --> 00:22:31,767
something by... Vincent Van
Patten, or one of those guys.
561
00:22:34,734 --> 00:22:35,801
ALEX:
Hey, Elaine?
562
00:22:35,868 --> 00:22:38,000
This is a reproduction,
isn't it?
563
00:22:38,067 --> 00:22:39,367
Mm-hmm.
564
00:22:39,434 --> 00:22:40,767
Is it good?
565
00:22:40,834 --> 00:22:42,133
Do you like it?
566
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,167
Yeah, I like it
a lot.
567
00:22:44,234 --> 00:22:45,767
Then that's good.
568
00:22:45,834 --> 00:22:47,434
Then I'm going to buy it.
569
00:22:47,501 --> 00:22:49,100
Okay.
570
00:22:49,167 --> 00:22:50,934
Come on...
571
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,834
with me.
572
00:24:05,334 --> 00:24:07,634
( theme music playing )
573
00:24:32,367 --> 00:24:33,834
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
574
00:24:33,901 --> 00:24:35,300
( grunts )
575
00:24:35,350 --> 00:24:39,900
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