Original subtitles

Okay, Mr. Rego, I know you've been complaining

About the bedpans being too cold, so I used

An incubator in pediatrics to warm this bad boy up for you.

Enjoy.

You know, I used to use an incubator

To keep my lunch warm till some whiny new mom

Complained that her preemie smelled like a ham sandwich.

Weird thing was, I had a tuna melt in there, not ham.

Most newborns smell amazing.

An unlucky few are ham babies.

Oh, God. Here comes the happiest person on the planet.

Hi! Oh, hey, oh, you look so beautiful today.

Hi! Oh, hi, Katie!

All the interns are going out for drinks. You want to come?

Yeah. I'll get my stuff.

How about you, dude chick?

Nah, I'm gonna stay here and catch up on my scut work.

You can try as hard as you want not to be my friend,

But eventually I'm gonna get ya. Come on, Howie.

If I get drunk enough, I'll undo my scrub bottoms

- And let you do a shot off my butt. - All right.

I've noticed that you always stay here late

- And work after your shift is over. - I got a lot of work.

If you don't get out of the hospital

Every once in a while and blow off some steam,

This place will eventually crush you.

- So go, okay? For me. - Fine.

Great. Oh, my god, Caitlin, that baby's beautiful.

(cooing) (sniffs)

- (grunts) Ham baby. - Mm.

What? Oh, hell, no!

Gotcha.

(suspenseful music plays) Holy mackerel!

Oh, my God. This can't get any worse.

That is one long-ass booby hair.

(J.D.) Like most hospitals, Sacred Heart makes

Their interns put on a sketch show roasting the senior staff.

It was never any good, but this year it would be.

Okay, people, before we begin,

You need to accept one simple truth--

- We are funny, and you are not. - Sucks to hear, doesn't it?

We will be writing all of your sketches. You're welcome.

Let's jump right in. I need two volunteers

- To go full-frontal. Howie? - No. I have eczema.

Sunny, Denise, maybe rubbing some oil on one another?

- Yeah, sure, no problem. - No, not at all.

Okay, well, then let's cut the leukemia sketch.

Dude, no! That sketch is gold.

Well, if they're not naked, they're just sad and dying.

- What's funny about that? - We make 'em British.

Good save. It's back in, but only because this man is a comic genius.

I have been called the Black Wayne Brady.

Okay, try and believe in us, guys.

This thing has not been funny for eight years,

When we were interns.

(Falsetto voice) � I love Jesus �

� and Jesus cure me �

� one, two, three, Jesus! �

I sure do love me some Jesus.

I know, Laverne.

You rang?

The Messiah, ladies and gentlemen! The Messiah!

Shalom and nanu nanu, my friends.

Oh, hell, no!

Front row. (grunts)

(laughter)

There will be a 20-minute intermission.

I never saw her coming. She was killed in a car accident.

I miss her.

Anyway, let's be funny...

For her.

Synced And Edited By: VeRdiKT [www.subscene.com]

"My Comedy Show"

Hey, will you hand me those blood gas reports, Sonia?

You can call me Sunny. My dad nicknamed me that

Because he said I brighten up a room.

Of course in college, I had a few dark years.

My car was stolen. I had three... Was it three?

No, four-- I had four abortions.

I'm joking. (laughs)

I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.

(laughs)

Why are you laughing?

'Cause I'm scared. I'm not that strong.

So... How was last night, Denise?

I ended up staying here and finishing my casework.

What the hell? I mean, at least with my patients,

I'm used to being ignored...

Like Mr. Cooper after his triple bypass.

I told him to start eating healthier.

He goes right back to scarfing down bacon burgers.

And do you want to know where he is now, Denise?

He's dead, isn't he?

No. He, uh, just went back to Phoenix.

I was going to say that he was dead, but I think saying that

About people who are still alive is a huge jinx.

Look, when I kicked you out of the hospital last night...

(cell phone ringing)

Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead. Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.

Nope, just my mom. Ignore. (beep)

Look, I promise I'll get out of the hospital tonight, okay?

Deal. Now come on. I want you guys both to see this case.

She's a 16-year-old girl with cyclical neutropenia.

It's a rare disorder that periodically shuts down

Her entire immune system.

Basically, every three weeks she almost dies. (cell phone beeping)

Hey, Briana, Mrs. Tarasi.

Just wanted to introduce you to Sunny and Denise.

They're the interns who'll be covering the floor today.

Oh, cool. If you guys give me your cell numbers,

I can text you if I need anything?

These kids with their texting and their cell phones.

- Our generation never had that stuff. - Yeah.

I just kind of feel like, I don't know,

There's three generations in the room right now.

If you want to instant message me,

- My screen name is SunnyHoneyBunny. - Of course it is.

- Do you have teenagers? - How old do you think I am?

What's up?

- Where have you been? - Oh.

How could you be late?! (grunts)

This is our sketch show! Our sketch show! Our sketch show!

That's cool, man. It's just a sketch show.

Our sketch show!

Okay, let's assign sketches. Partner up, please.

(door closes) Yikes. Um...

I'll be with Denise. Problem solved.

Yay. Can we go now?

Good morning.

Okay, I think we should just get this out in the open.

I saw you pluck your... Special hair the other day.

(imitates springing noises)

Boing, boing. (imitates violin playing)

I was there. I saw.

The question is, what are we gonna do about it?

I have an idea. Let me speak first. May I? Good.

I believe that you should give me the hair,

Because I've been scrapbooking the most disgusting things

That I can think of, and I want to put it

On the page in between my decayed molars and my snug,

Which is a snail/slug hybrid that I was able

To splice together in my garage unsuccessfully.

We didn't see each other yesterday.

Well, that was unexpected.

Thank you. Okay, Briana, your chest X-Ray looks good.

We should be able to get you home tomorrow.

I'm just gonna go talk to your mom

About some changes in your medication.

Aren't moms the greatest?

My mom bought me these scrubs last week just because.

Oh, and this morning I found this little note.

It says, "You're super special."

If that's what moms do, I'm glad I never met mine.

(chuckles) "Look at me. I'm dark and edgy."

I love my mom, but I wish she would ease up a little.

I mean, I know I'm sick, but not all the time,

And she still never lets me leave the house.

You know, I've never had a date.

It's like she's so freaked out about me dying

That she won't let me have a life.

She doesn't want your stupid note.

(whispers) You don't know that.

Do I know you?

I'm a friend.

What is Jimmy the Overly touchy orderly doing here?

Dude, he does amazing impressions. He's a ringer.

We could put him in any bit that's not working,

Like the Dr. Wen sketch.

(claps) It's almost showtime. Let's work out some of the kinks.

You guys doing the Dr. Cox sketch,

Make sure you re-ee-ee-eally

Stretch out all your words, okay?

And under no circumstances are you to tell him that

I wrote the joke implying he may have a sports car

Because he has a small penis. Unless he finds it hilarious,

At which point, you will break character

And say, "John Dorian wrote that joke."

I will then stand, give a humble nod like so

And then gesture for you to continue.

Megan, you're playing Carla.

That's my wife. Please show some respect.

Kathy, you're playing Elliot,

So I want to see some bug eyes, all right? And... Perfect.

Plus find some cardboard.

Stick it down the back of your pants, right?

Make that ass flat, girl. Let me see what you got right now.

- Yeah, we can go flatter. - We can go flatter.

- We can go flatter! - You know what? I've chewed on that thing,

And it's flatter than day-old beer. I gotta tell ya.

You know what? I made a funny. Turk, rewrite.

� I am already on it �

- Katie, dynamite Beardfac� costume. - I can't see anything in this.

Performers find a way, Katie. Use your other senses.

(J.D.) Where are Sunny and Denise?

Well, you know, they're supposed to be-- No, thank you. Cool.

They're supposed to be playing us,

But they haven't picked up their scripts or anything.

Hey, Dr. Reid, could we talk to you about Briana?

Her mom is being way too overprotective.

Unfortunately, milady, I saw what I saw.

You either plucked a giant hair, or you have mini chest snakes.

Maybe you're just imagining things,

Like that time you thought you'd built a giant sand castle

In the parking lot, or the time you said you hung J.D. up

Like a flag, totally defying the laws of physics.

I did those things.

Did you?

At least I thought I-- head games aren't gonna work on me.

Unfortunately for you, I have a photographic memory.

For instance, I arrived here yesterday at 7:45 AM.

At 7:50 AM, I took a nap. At 2:45 PM,

I awoke to find you plucking a comically large hair

Off of your baby feeder.

I then took my afternoon nap, then I went on break,

And then I went home. Couldn't sleep a wink. Damndest thing.

Sad.

Stop walking away from me.

And now I'm sleepy again. (yawns and mutters)

Briana should totally get to live her life.

I'm gonna go talk to her mom.

But you guys gotta do me a favor.

She's really starting to get in my head

With this whole "we're the same age" thing.

So I'm just gonna start throwing out numbers,

And you guys stop me whenever I get to the age

You think I look like, okay? 22, 23, 24, 25, 25, 25.

You know what? This is a really stupid game, okay?

Aren't you guys late for some sketch show?

Crap.

(sighs) Idiots.

Isn't this fun, running together?

- Shut up, Sunny! - Okay.

- Oh, my God. I'm so nervous. - Welcome to live theater.

Mm-hmm.

(light applause)

(imitating Kelso) I'm Bob Kelso, and my life is so empty

That I still come here every day

To stuff my face with muffins. And I like prostitutes.

(crowd laughs)

(laughs) That's funny 'cause it's true.

(applause)

(imitating Todd) Hey, I'm the Todd.

Wow, looks like we got a full house.

I got a full house in my pants. Boom!

(laughing)

(imitating British accent) Hello, I'm Dr. Beardface.

I was up all night sewing.

My beard is only this big.

Lighten up, Seymour. I took my lumps.

Okay, one last chance to admit the truth before this gets ugly.

- Did I see the nurple hair or not? - You did not.

(Katie) Beardface! - Mm. And so it begins.

(imitating Dr. Wen) Hi. I'm Dr. Wen, and it's an honor

To have you as a patient, Owen Wilson.

(imitating Owen Wilson) Oh, come on, doc.

What about patient/doctor privacy, huh?

How's that supposed to make me feel?

- Mr. Jack Black. - (imitating Jack Black) Thanks, buddy!

� Sacred Heart! �

(sings indistinctly)

- Mr. Brad Pitt. - Thank you, Dr. Wen.

I do have to say, it's very hard covering the medical bill

When you have 14 children, ha ha! (grunts)

(imitating Dane Cook) You know, you know, people are

Always asking me, "Hey, hey, Dane Cook, hey, Dane Cook"--

Yeah, they use my full name-- "Hey, what's the deal

"with tong depressors, huh? Is it supposed to make

Your tongue sad or something?" like, taste it--

"Oh, this muffin tastes sad." Why do people find me funny?

(man clears throat)

Dude, we gave 'em too much Jimmy.

(J.D.) Off the stage, Jimmy!

Okay, Jimmy. Yay.

Hi, everyone.

We're gonna do a sketch about Dr. Dorian and Dr. Turk.

I don't even know what we're supposed to do.

Just follow my lead.

- (whispers) Okay. - (laughter)

Look at your mole. It's huge.

Here are those lab reports you wanted, Turk.

Thanks. I did need those, J.D.

(J.D.) They're bombing. (Turk) Mm, serves them right.

Yeah, who cares about them? We did it!

We did the whole thing.

Good-bye, J.D. Thank you so much for ev--

Shh. (audience gasps)

How is that funny?

(laughing)

(cheering and whistling)

Hey, Dr. Reid,

Did you get a chance to talk to Briana's mom?

Well, I'll tell you--

Hey, Denise, we're all going out for drinks to celebrate.

- You want to come? - No, I'm gonna stay and study.

And you broke your promise yet again. Shocking.

Look, I promise I'll go out tomorrow night, okay?

- So what did Briana's mom say? - You know, I've been thinking about it.

Okay, we have really no idea what that woman's going through.

I mean, who's to say that she isn't right to be so cautious?

After all, it's her daughter.

So I decided not to talk to her.

It's really none of our business.

(cell phone beeps)

Today was the fifth anniversary of the time Turk and I

Met David Caruso on a Ferris wheel.

Usually to celebrate, Turk would lift me in the air

While I straddled him and yelled, "Eagle!"

But this morning I somehow knew that wasn't gonna happen.

Hey. Hey.

Eagle! Elliot didn't seem like herself either.

I don't care what you think is right for Briana, okay?

If either one of you hassles her mom,

There will be consequences. Bad ones.

Okay, why are you smiling?

I can't help it. It's permanent.

Donny, muffin, please?

Not bran.

Better.

What do you want?

I'm gettin' ready to torture Nurse Chest Whiskers.

But it's her word against mine,

So I need you to verify yesterday's incident.

What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.

You were there.

Excuse me. What? Shh. (whispers) He's standing right here.

- (whispers) Me? - (normal voice) Okay, I'll tell him.

My muffin thinks you're crazy, and she wants you to go.

(normal voice) You tell your muffin

That I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go.

No.

What is happening to me?

Nice job.

(Denise) That lady has no idea what's good for her daughter.

I know. I just want to go over there and smush her face.

- So this is you mad? - Did you hear me? I'd like to smush it!

So go talk to her.

I mean, you're both sort-of-almost doctors.

Part of that is doing what you think is right.

- Let's do this. - Okay, try to act tough. And forget it.

Oh, so now we can't sit on the same side of the table?

- We never do that. - We always do up here.

Why did that sketch bother us so much?

- We've always joked about our little-- - Don't say it, okay? I hate that word.

It's a bromance, Turk. You can't fight it.

It never bothered me before because I thought it was

Our stupid little joke that Elliot and Carla were in on,

But I didn't know that's how the whole hospital views us, man.

J.D.?

Pretty great, huh?

- Well, when you're right, you're right. - Yeah.

- So how's your day going? - It's pretty good so far.

I see you're eating bread again. I thought you were off carbs.

- J.D.! - I-I'm sorry. I'm back. Continue.

We're senior staff now, so...

Maybe at work we should tone down the P.D.A

I agree. But does that include--

It definitely includes "Eagle."

Oh. Good.

Oh, look at that. I'm not hungry anymore.

Briana has so much to deal with right now.

Just seems like you should let her enjoy every normal moment

She can instead of forcing her to hide from life all the time.

- As much as I hate to agree with Dr... - Dey.

- Your name is Sunny Day? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, as ridiculous as it was for her parents

To name her that, I think what you're doing with Briana

Is a thousand times worse.

My daughter's immune system doesn't work.

Why don't you two tell me what it's like when your child

Risks death every time she shakes hands?

Do you think I care one bit what you think?

We tried.

You know, yesterday Dr. Reid came in and gave me

The same sanctimonious speech, and I told her

- The exact same thing. - Hey, what's going on over here?

Everything okay?

I'm great. I just don't know what's real anymore.

But that's okay, right?

I mean, so what if big chunks of my life

Were just figments of my imagination?

So I never went to China and had a baby with a local.

Maybe I was never in "The Fugitive."

Listen, this place can make anyone crazy.

- Mm. - Once, after a double shift,

I swore I went home and crawled into bed with Turk.

Next day, I woke up in the on call room spooning Dr. Beardface.

Now the guys' always slipping me hotel keys. (laughs)

Can't believe you're being so nice to me

When I almost punished you for something

That never even happened. Please accept my apologies.

That was easier than I thought.

No, Beardface.

I'm so proud of you, man.

You know, I've always emulated you.

I shave my privates bald to look like your head.

Todd, I'm actually kind of touched.

Come on.

What's going on?

They're gonna publish my old therapy paper.

There it was.

He wanted a hug, and I damn sure wanted to give him one.

But all we could do was say this...

Congrats.

Thanks, man.

Don't look back. Fight it. Fight it.

Damn it, you're only human.

(voice echoes) Turk!

(panting) I ran all the way around.

- � It's guy love! � - People are gonna look.

- What people? - � It's guy love, It's real to guys, �

(slaps back)

Why'd you lie about talking to Briana's mom?

Uh, I'm going first. Why did you go talk to her

- After I told you to drop it? - It's not fair what her mom's doing.

- And why is that? - I don't know.

Because people need to be able to go out and do things and live life.

Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah,

It's the exact same advice I've given you 9,000 times.

So you had me get crushed by that mom just to prove a point?

She even had me give you a little push

- So you wouldn't wimp out. - I'm very bright.

Look, I've been there. I did what you did.

I was an intern. I've lived at this hospital.

I saw the same exact people day after day,

Which, for the record, makes even the uggos look attractive after a while.

Oh, is that how you got together with Dr. Dorian?

What? No! Well, maybe at first. No.

No.

Sometimes interns think they know it all,

But the lessons really never stop coming.

Whether you've heard it a thousand times...

For the last time, get out of here every once in a while,

Or this place will swallow you up.

What about Briana?

Or it's something totally new.

So much crappy stuff happens here all day long.

The best way to get past it is do what I do.

Just pretend it never happened.

Hey, sorry again.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Of course, some lessons you pick up on your own...

I just got the urge to buy you a shirt.

Well, then, to the mall!

Mount up. Yeah!

Eagle!

(laughing)

Like how important it is to have a good friend here

To help you get through it.

Oh!

- Anyone sitting here? - Not just anyone... You.

Okay, no more talking until I'm drunk, okay?

(speaks indistinctly)

(beep) Partner up, please.

Val, please don't make a sign that says "Loser"

With an arrow pointing towards Jo.

Ha ha, now it's-- now it's pointing towards me.

Very clever. Turk, will you get the sign, please?

- I am on it. Val! - You guys are doctors.

- I'm tellin' you! - This is unprofessional.

Got it.

(beep) This is a different "Loser" sign.

Where is the original "Loser" sign? There's two now.

Right there.

Well, okay. Can you get that one, please?

I know. I'm gonna get it right now.

I think we should stop looking for the sign

And start looking for the sharpie,

- 'cause we're losing control here. - We are not losing control.

Synced And Edited By: VeRdiKT [www.subscene.com]

Okay, who wrote that?

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