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Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
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It was a day of discovery.
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I discovered that I could sex
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my pregnant girlfriend into a coma.
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Nice!
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Carla discovered that her baby wasn't
the only one who loved breast feeding.
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Ohhh, are you hungry, sweetie?
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I could eat.
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Dr. Kelso discovered change was not always welcome.
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A coffee place in a hospital?
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What's next, Bob, an ice cream parlor in the morgue?
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Admittedly not a horrible idea, seeing as
the freezers are already down there,
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plus it'll be a perfect place for kids
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one of our famous vanilla malteds
definitely takes the sting out of
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having to identify the freshly charred
remains of your father!
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Nobody else seems to mind.
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I should'a worn sunblock.
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Did you get tickets yet?
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Ah! Another one!
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Now I'm at the end of both lines.
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Still, the best discovery
was learning that
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someone I drummed out of
medicine had landed on his feet.
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Frontsies!
CABBAGE!
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Hey, Dr. D.
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That's what we call "Cabbage-tastic."
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Oh, I love this job -- I screw up, nobody gets hurt.
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Except Cindy.
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I scalded her pretty bad with some steamed milk,
you could see the bone.
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Eww. How about a second of that dynamite ape impression.
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I'm sorry, Cindy, once he's in monkey mode, you can't stop him.
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But who would want to, right? Cheers.
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Hey, Kim! Just checkin' to see if your socks are back on,
since I knocked 'em off last night!
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Helloooooo!
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What am I doing?
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You're the mother of my child. That is so tacky.
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And so is this: Way to hit that, player!
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So sorry.
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Relax, it's just sex. We should be able to talk about it.
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I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina till she turns eighteen.
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That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.
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Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious!
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It may have already come up.
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Kim, uh, J.D. tells us that you're looking around town for a new job?
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Yeah, I just don't think the department head here is ever gonna promote me.
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Why?
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Dr. Lemke! You're gonna love this.
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We're a husband and wife piano playing team,
only I have no hands!
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- With my head!
- How great is that!
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This is my wife, Sally.
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She lost her thumbs last month when
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our pet Komodo dragon, Morty, got out of his cage.
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On the bright side, you have beautiful nubs.
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A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do,
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just duke you my change because you poured
hot water through beans?
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Well, I'll tell you what, my friend,
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unless you're also planning on giving me
a complimentary reach-around with my beverage,
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I'm afraid the answer is yeah...no!
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Here's a--here's a novel idea:
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Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee
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with so damn many fake sugars in it, that the coffee itself gets cancer.
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Guys, guys, I got a good one.
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Is it me, or does--
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"...someone need to switch to decaf?"
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Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.
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You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask--
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"...who are you? And what have you done with Turk?"
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STOP FINISHING MY AWESOME JOKES!
- Oh, my God!
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[Ao]
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[DeX]
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[Greg]
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[Nuwanda]
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[The Nux]
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[Wbbarrie]
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Scrubs 6x03
"My Coffee"
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High-Five Team (+fouf.83)
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[H5Team.cinebb.com]
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She's so beautiful. Can I hold her?
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That's up to Turk. He's kinda paranoid about people dropping her.
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Yeah, you got decent hands. Go ahead.
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I get her first because we're best friends.
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Elliot. Ted, give it!
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Ooh, I'm next.
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What?
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You drop everything.
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When do I--
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Besides now.
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Look, come on, it is a human life -- I'll focus.
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Give it to me! Right here!
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Wait! One moresie!
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So, Carla, how much time do you think you'll take off?
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Ohhh, look at this little angel.
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I may never go back to work.
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I heard suckling.
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So, you're having chest pains, Mr. Turner.
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Actually, it's Dr. Turner.
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You look like someone I used to date.
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I had a brief older guy jones, but now
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I'm with someone more
age-appropriate...and I'm like,
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Eww, what was I thinking?
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Mm. We are disgusting.
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Yeah, but for some reason I was curious.
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Anyhoo, uh, we'll just run the usual tests.
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Sounds good.
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Dr. Turner seems like a nice guy. And he's hot
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you know, like if...you left Brad Pitt out in the sun forever....
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Stop it, Elliot! It took you months to get over that old man fetish!
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Blondie! He is private practice.
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Those guys are cocky jackasses
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who don't give two shakes about
anybody else's opinion but their own.
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They're...they're me,
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with one addendum: They're whores.
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And I'm not talking about the good kind of whores like my ex-wife.
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They're whores for money.
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Is that a tip jar?
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Look...
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I'm figurin' if those lumps down at the coffee shop
can have one, I can, too.
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Listen to me. You may like Turner right now,
but he is a doctor,
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and doctors make terrible patients --
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sooner or later, they all try to treat themselves.
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Perry, a quick word--
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Bobbo! No time!
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Gotta go tell Mr. Clancy that his tumor is benign.
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Is that not exciting?
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Should be worth a finski -- whatta ya think?
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Where the hell did you all come from?
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Sneak attack. You can put your shoes on again,
guys. Nice work.
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Dr. Kelso, as spokesman for the support staff of this hospital,
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I have a request.
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I do not want to hear any more about a college scholarship fund.
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Stop filling your children's heads with nonsense!
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Pull them out of high school and teach them
a trade like plumbing or undertaking!
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None of us here even have kids, except for Margo,
and she sold hers.
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We want a dental plan.
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Dental is for old people.
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You young bucks have years before you have
to worry about your choppers.
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One, two...
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Lovely. No.
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Rudy? Did you tear an actual tooth outta your head?
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We were all fakin' it, man! What are you--
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Okay, don't worry. You know what?
I got a jar of monkey teeth in my workbench...
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what's that, molar? We're gonna be all right.
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Man, we got smoked.
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That's what we get for playing a bunch of Gs from the 'hood.
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Those guys are Indian.
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So "Rajesh" isn't one of those cool black
homely names like "Anforny"?
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No, "Rajesh" is like "Steve" in India.
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Why are we stopping?
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You always buy me a cotton candy after the game
to celebrate my good sportsmanship.
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Yeah, well, you know what?
I can't be buying you stuff all the time!
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Yeah, well, I'm very close to a tantrum.
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Could you guys look at my shoulder?
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I tweaked it pretty good.
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Come on, Vijay, first you dunk on me and yell,
"Who's your bitch!"
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now you want free medical advice?
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How did I not know these guys were Indian?
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I'll give you twenty bucks.
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I'm sorry, my friend, but that's just not ethical.
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Done and done!
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Uh, heh, who's the new guy?
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Oh, this is Dr. Kershnar from my practice.
Elliot Reid, I was telling you about. Give her a wave.
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Look, as a doctor, I know that you're gonna be
tempted to wanna treat yourself,
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and I just want you to know that's not gonna fly with me.
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Understood.
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Great.
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Now, I believe that surgery on your
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abdominal aortic aneurysm's
gonna be too aggressive
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I'd like to start you on twenty-five grams of Lopressor.
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Don't you mean twenty-five milligrams?
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There! See? You're already trying to treat yourself!
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That was a test.
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But twenty-five grams would kill me.
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I know. But i-i-it's still a test.
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Fine. From now on, you're the doctor.
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All right, relax, you're fine. Just ice it when you get home.
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Put that away, Turk! That's back-alley money!
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Relax!
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Hey. I'll give you twenty bucks if you check out my rash.
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'm sorry, cotton candy man, but unlike my friend,
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here, I have no interest in being sued for...
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Do I smell blue?
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just added the dye.
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Ohhhhh! You crafty, crafty man -- that is fluffing up nicely.
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Hey, give me some money, I'm jonesing for some c-squared.
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Oh, you don't want my back-alley money, do you?
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You heartless bastard.
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All right, let's see your disgusting rash.
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It's probably just eczema.
One blue, please!
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I'd like to see the blueberry again.
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Blueberries taste fresh.
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Hint of lemon zest...I'm intrigued.
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And unfortunately processed flour. No thank you.
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Let me try your carrot.
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I've a non-fat latte with room for Schnapps for Janitor?
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Yep, thank you.
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00:10:06,017 --> 00:10:06,977
Nice braces.
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00:10:08,522 --> 00:10:12,488
- You're not worried about, uh, spider monkeys?
- Spider monkeys?
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Spider monkeys see intricate metal work
as a display of dominance.
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It's a threat to them -- they'd tear your eyes out.
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Well, I'm just psyched this place is paying for 'em.
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You get dental?
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00:10:27,864 --> 00:10:31,009
So, uh, Dr. Turner said that I am a very talented young physician.
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00:10:31,795 --> 00:10:35,898
Jordan said I'm the only man she ever wants to have sex with!
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00:10:37,682 --> 00:10:39,210
Aren't we sharing fantastic lies
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we choose to believe for personal reasons?
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He's actually a very deferential patient.
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Instead of surgery, I'm treating his AAA with drugs.
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00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:51,032
Dr. Chatterbox there scheduled him for...surgery.
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What the hell, Kersh!
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I don't care if we had extra coffee money left over...
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I don't feel right taking that guy's cash.
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00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,295
Dude, stop stressing. See you later.
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00:11:05,838 --> 00:11:07,648
Is anybody planning on emptying that?
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00:11:10,867 --> 00:11:13,441
Sometimes everything you need to know is on the side of a coffee cup.
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Never underestimate those around you...
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00:11:18,402 --> 00:11:19,546
or they may betray you...
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00:11:19,860 --> 00:11:22,016
Greetings, customer! What can I get you?
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00:11:25,856 --> 00:11:26,930
...they may deceive you...
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00:11:27,856 --> 00:11:29,027
And here we are.
219
00:11:29,530 --> 00:11:32,080
Even though Kershnar's signature is on the chart,
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this is the gentleman who ordered the surgery.
221
00:11:35,248 --> 00:11:36,983
No, he didn't. Tell him.
222
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:39,441
What would you like me to say?
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00:11:40,207 --> 00:11:43,520
I'm just gonna go ahead and tip myself for calling this one!
224
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Thank you,
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00:11:46,899 --> 00:11:47,722
me!
226
00:11:49,305 --> 00:11:52,290
in the end, those same people
will make you wish you'd never met them.
227
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Maybe that wasn't just a rash on cotton candy man.
228
00:12:04,346 --> 00:12:06,723
I didn't tell Kim about how I most likely ruined my career
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by misdiagnosing the cotton candy man.
230
00:12:09,352 --> 00:12:11,731
I don't like to be a burden to the people I care about.
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00:12:12,745 --> 00:12:14,838
Turk. I need you, and I need you now.
232
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Isabella, this is the man you'll be competing with
for your father's love.
233
00:12:19,495 --> 00:12:21,376
Goochie-goochie-goo. Turk. Now.
234
00:12:22,731 --> 00:12:24,375
Babe, he's using his emergency tone.
235
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:26,415
Go ahead. I have to feed her anyway.
236
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:32,383
Ugh, my breasts are so sore.
I wish I could just give you formula.
237
00:12:33,126 --> 00:12:35,079
Formula's bad for the baby.
238
00:12:35,853 --> 00:12:37,765
Boob milk's healthier!
239
00:12:39,570 --> 00:12:42,716
His rash is probably purpura from
disseminated intravascular coagulopathy,
240
00:12:42,764 --> 00:12:44,091
and I missed it, Turk. I'm screwed!
241
00:12:44,942 --> 00:12:47,307
Okay, you...you go in there and take care of things.
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00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:52,310
I'll...I'll just stand out here and think about
all the things I'll miss about being a doctor.
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The light cotton outfits...
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the free gauze....
245
00:13:01,909 --> 00:13:02,798
He's gone.
246
00:13:05,110 --> 00:13:05,934
Somebody shot him.
247
00:13:08,685 --> 00:13:10,292
I hope it wasn't the corn-dog guy.
248
00:13:10,348 --> 00:13:11,389
They never got along.
249
00:13:14,317 --> 00:13:18,034
Look, Dr. Turner, you're older, you're not in the best health.
250
00:13:18,108 --> 00:13:19,628
I really think that this surgery could kill you.
251
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,618
Are they gonna come in and shave me soon?
252
00:13:23,316 --> 00:13:24,731
I'm still your primary physician.
253
00:13:25,146 --> 00:13:26,953
No, Kershnar's my lead now.
254
00:13:28,890 --> 00:13:30,322
I think surgery is the right choice.
255
00:13:31,665 --> 00:13:33,106
Did you give him cue cards?
256
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,939
That way he gets it exactly right.
257
00:13:39,617 --> 00:13:43,881
You don't scare me. Eventually, you will all come crawling back.
258
00:13:44,319 --> 00:13:48,054
Now, how about somebody gets me a
banana-nut muffin, and hold the spit, please.
259
00:13:48,496 --> 00:13:52,294
As manager, I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
260
00:13:52,542 --> 00:13:55,743
Manager? You have worked here one day.
261
00:13:55,947 --> 00:13:57,322
Corporate loved my ingenuity.
262
00:13:57,846 --> 00:14:00,298
I was saying, the two most addictive substances on earth
263
00:14:00,474 --> 00:14:05,334
are caffeine and...nicotine! Behold.
264
00:14:09,025 --> 00:14:12,421
Smokachino! For Kyle.
265
00:14:12,703 --> 00:14:14,582
Kyle! Smokachino for Kyle!
266
00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:16,575
Enjoy that.
267
00:14:17,981 --> 00:14:19,480
That's as tall as he's gonna get.
268
00:14:21,574 --> 00:14:23,374
I feel like I dodged a bullet.
269
00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:25,729
Trust me, Brown Bear, you don't want this
hanging over your head.
270
00:14:25,779 --> 00:14:27,803
Find Vijay and give him his twenty bucks back.
271
00:14:27,892 --> 00:14:29,859
Yeah, but then I'd have to give the money back to all the others.
272
00:14:30,862 --> 00:14:33,228
I kinda did a few diagnoses at the mall yesterday.
273
00:14:33,316 --> 00:14:35,448
Are you crazy? You could get sued!
274
00:14:35,748 --> 00:14:37,732
Secondly, I can't believe you went to the mall without me...
275
00:14:37,780 --> 00:14:39,698
I specifically told you I needed to buy loafers.
276
00:14:40,178 --> 00:14:43,049
And thirdly, how could you go to the mall without me?
That's our thing!
277
00:14:43,226 --> 00:14:45,835
Well, I don't see you giving the money back
to cotton candy man!
278
00:14:46,050 --> 00:14:47,699
As a matter of fact, I already did.
279
00:14:51,129 --> 00:14:53,367
A twenty! Score!
280
00:14:55,999 --> 00:14:57,444
...Cool shirt...!
281
00:14:58,213 --> 00:15:00,684
All right, I earned that money, and I'm not giving it back,
282
00:15:00,780 --> 00:15:02,508
and there's nothing you can do to make me.
283
00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:05,124
Give those people their money back!
284
00:15:05,689 --> 00:15:09,863
- I can't believe you told!
- Turk, we're doctors. We live by a moral code.
285
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:13,870
Aloha! I came to see the little kahuna!
286
00:15:16,823 --> 00:15:20,600
- Giant coffee.
- Saw you coming. Here's your vente drip.
287
00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:23,776
How 'bout a Corinne Bailey Ray CD.
288
00:15:23,777 --> 00:15:25,898
With her stripped-down sound and chilled-out vibe,
289
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,000
this British soul superstar is one of the year's hottest newcomers.
290
00:15:31,074 --> 00:15:32,852
You know what...I'll take one of those.
291
00:15:34,641 --> 00:15:35,698
It's a sale.
292
00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:38,595
You know the worst thing about Turner's surgery?
293
00:15:39,217 --> 00:15:43,584
I'm gonna be right, but...he's gonna die.
It'll be a hollow victory.
294
00:15:43,831 --> 00:15:47,138
If I got to be right and have a private practice doctor
295
00:15:47,203 --> 00:15:51,926
die due to his own idiocy,
I would call that a pretty full victory.
296
00:15:54,443 --> 00:15:56,190
Banana-nut muffin, please.
297
00:15:56,646 --> 00:15:58,334
Sir, I've been told not to serve you.
298
00:16:02,990 --> 00:16:05,034
Hey, just take me.
299
00:16:05,652 --> 00:16:07,574
What are they gonna do, put you in jail?
300
00:16:08,005 --> 00:16:09,467
You're Bob Kelso!
301
00:16:09,939 --> 00:16:11,556
Just grab me and run!
302
00:16:12,627 --> 00:16:13,437
Do it!
303
00:16:23,594 --> 00:16:26,401
All right, I'm going on break.
Don't touch the muffin puppet.
304
00:16:31,535 --> 00:16:33,783
Let's see if you're qualified to hold your own baby.
305
00:16:38,453 --> 00:16:40,478
I caught it! That counts!
306
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,711
I'm gonna go hold the crap outta that baby!
307
00:16:46,221 --> 00:16:47,515
J.D., what the hell!
308
00:16:47,556 --> 00:16:49,084
I'm a surgeon...that coulda hit my hand!
309
00:16:49,533 --> 00:16:51,013
Why are you being so weird lately?
310
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:54,845
You won't loan me money for cotton candy,
you're charging strangers for medical advice,
311
00:16:54,905 --> 00:16:56,341
and now you're worried about your hand?
312
00:16:56,475 --> 00:16:57,471
Who are you?
313
00:16:57,471 --> 00:16:59,749
...and what did you do with Turk?
314
00:17:00,091 --> 00:17:02,384
Great work, everybody! Thank you!
315
00:17:03,249 --> 00:17:05,082
I asked them to help me out for emphasis.
316
00:17:05,168 --> 00:17:06,522
Seriously, what's going on?
317
00:17:06,745 --> 00:17:08,225
You saw what happened yesterday.
318
00:17:10,177 --> 00:17:11,664
Ohhh, look at this little angel.
319
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:13,992
I may never go back to work.
320
00:17:17,793 --> 00:17:20,743
How the hell am I supposed to take care
of a whole family by myself?
321
00:17:24,847 --> 00:17:26,223
I'm so sorry, Barbie.
322
00:17:26,974 --> 00:17:28,448
Why didn't he listen?
323
00:17:33,765 --> 00:17:35,317
I thought that you hated him.
324
00:17:35,428 --> 00:17:38,685
Ah, when it comes to torturing you,
everybody's on the same page.
325
00:17:39,589 --> 00:17:40,757
You know, Reid,
326
00:17:40,861 --> 00:17:43,477
you had the cojones to stand up to me,
327
00:17:43,549 --> 00:17:46,643
unlike Kershnar, whom I've so demoralized
328
00:17:46,706 --> 00:17:50,169
he's basically my trained chimp.
329
00:17:55,978 --> 00:17:57,642
He's almost human.
330
00:17:58,727 --> 00:18:01,103
Anyway, I've got enough yes-men.
331
00:18:01,286 --> 00:18:04,063
You've got a spine. Join my practice.
332
00:18:04,266 --> 00:18:06,040
You can still work out of this hospital,
333
00:18:06,102 --> 00:18:09,303
the only difference is you'd make double the money.
334
00:18:09,959 --> 00:18:14,966
Easy, buddy. That smell burning your nostrils isn't
just the baby throw-up on her jacket
335
00:18:15,023 --> 00:18:17,065
Oh, uh, I got to hold Isabella.
336
00:18:17,272 --> 00:18:19,894
She squirted out of my arms, but Carla caught her.
337
00:18:20,582 --> 00:18:22,756
It's the smell of a doctor with integrity.
338
00:18:23,997 --> 00:18:26,333
Also, you'll never have to answer to this guy again.
339
00:18:36,307 --> 00:18:39,549
- Wow, I got a family.
- I know.
340
00:18:39,974 --> 00:18:42,036
In seven months, I'm gonna have a family, too.
341
00:18:44,341 --> 00:18:47,003
Did you ever think we'd be here back
when we were freshmen in college?
342
00:18:48,901 --> 00:18:49,804
Remember that first week
343
00:18:49,861 --> 00:18:52,509
when I found you hooking up with my girlfriend, and you said
344
00:18:52,557 --> 00:18:55,999
you guys were only naked underneath the covers
because you'd had a water-balloon fight
345
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:57,000
and you were cold?
346
00:18:57,001 --> 00:18:59,060
J.D., for the last time, nothing happened.
347
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,012
Please, this isn't about that.
348
00:19:03,302 --> 00:19:05,741
It's just that I looked all over, I never found any balloons.
349
00:19:07,164 --> 00:19:09,332
You'd think there'd be some balloons.
350
00:19:10,548 --> 00:19:12,885
I look at Isabella, and I get really scared.
351
00:19:13,132 --> 00:19:15,670
And I'm gonna need you to be there to help me through this.
352
00:19:15,671 --> 00:19:17,183
Well that sucks, 'cause I was counting on you
353
00:19:17,244 --> 00:19:20,021
to make it look easy so I know I can handle it when my turn comes.
354
00:19:20,852 --> 00:19:21,648
Awesome.
355
00:19:23,492 --> 00:19:25,611
Turk, you're at the beginning of your career.
356
00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:28,094
You know you're gonna make plenty of money.
357
00:19:28,838 --> 00:19:30,836
It's good to hear that from you, thank you.
358
00:19:31,810 --> 00:19:35,090
- You're gonna be just fine.
- I suppose so.
359
00:19:37,182 --> 00:19:39,621
- ..Totally fine.
- Yeah.
360
00:19:40,299 --> 00:19:42,056
Would you mind telling me
that I'm gonna be fine, Turk?
361
00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:43,814
Am I gonna be fine?
I think I'm gonna be fine!
362
00:19:44,195 --> 00:19:46,244
Well, I would, but I don't know how much you like Kim.
363
00:19:47,550 --> 00:19:48,683
I really like her.
364
00:19:49,651 --> 00:19:50,980
Then you're gonna be fine.
365
00:19:52,448 --> 00:19:53,179
Thanks.
366
00:19:56,457 --> 00:19:59,897
Is there anything else you wanna...tell me, or admit to?
367
00:20:01,690 --> 00:20:06,184
I mean, I looked everywhere, there was...no signs of balloons.
368
00:20:07,202 --> 00:20:08,739
Opportunities are everywhere...
369
00:20:10,583 --> 00:20:12,239
...Whether it's accepting an old job...
370
00:20:17,231 --> 00:20:18,844
You can have your dental.
371
00:20:21,365 --> 00:20:22,709
Now clean up this mess.
372
00:20:28,868 --> 00:20:30,076
..or taking a new job.
373
00:20:31,702 --> 00:20:33,845
I'd...like to join your practice.
374
00:20:39,187 --> 00:20:41,366
As for me, I was just excited
to have the opportunity
375
00:20:41,367 --> 00:20:43,546
to get to know the
mother of my child better.
376
00:20:44,252 --> 00:20:45,698
I got offered a new job.
377
00:20:46,215 --> 00:20:47,772
Cool! Is it over at County?
378
00:20:47,773 --> 00:20:49,536
'Cause that way I can drop you off every morning.
379
00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:52,425
It's in Tacoma, Washington.
380
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:58,236
That's gonna be a little rough on my scooter.
381
00:20:59,068 --> 00:21:02,571
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