Original subtitles

Even though it can be tough around here,

sometimes God gives you little gifts to get you through the day.

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

You're gonna wanna grab a mop--

Shush. Watching 'The Sixth Sense'.

There's a mess in the hallway.

This kid sees dead people.

That film is at least five years old.

So what? I haven't seen it.

Bruce Willis is a ghost.

He's been dead the entire time... Oh!

All the best.

Noooo! NO!

You guys, I am so excited about tonight.

Settle down, we're just going to a nightclub.

No, Carla, an African-American club.

Promise me you'll be cool.

In Turk's defense, we had tried this once before.

You can't touch me.

And once before that.

Yeeeeeaaaaah, booooooy!

Man, it's only ten o'clock.

But, hey, third time's the charm.

All right, you three can go in.

Word. Ah! You're out.

Oh, look, sir, please, just--

Baby, I got this. Don't worry about this. Listen here, man,

homey here, you know, he's a little outta his mizzle,

so I'm just saying, for just a little bizzle,

if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle!

You out too.

Look, sir.

This is for idiot number one, and this is for idiot number two.

Oh, I knew I'd get in!

Just don't lose your head, Bambi!

Turk! J.D.'s doing the--

Heh. Oh, God.

After two hours of intense roboting, I was parched.

And that's when I saw Kylie.

Uh, can you make me an appletini?

I hope so, it's my favorite drink.

Oh my God, that's a sign.

If only she had my goofy sense of humor.

Ran out of vodka. Let me go downstairs and get some more.

I been working on my fake stair walk.

Okay, time to move in for the kill.

Work the fact that you're a doctor into the conversation. Just be subtle.

I'm a doctor. Uh, John Dorian. Most of my patients live.

This is so weird! I been looking for a doctor! See...

My God, look at those beautiful eyes.

They're so big I can see myself in them.

Wow, how cute am I!

...so it's probably nothing big, but I'm wondering if you could check it out?

You got it!

Come by Sacred Heart tomorrow, I have clinic hours.

After all, I'm a doctor.

Dude, I can't believe this. You're gonna date a patient!

I hope she has something that keeps her here for a while

so you can get to know her.

I gotta thank you for taking a special interest in this.

Don't give him too much credit.

He's just excited because he wishes he dated

more sexy black women when he was single.

Well, at least he married one.

- Todd, I'm not black. - Right, and I'm not straight.

Do you ever get that special fluttery feeling in your heart

when you feel like a woman is about to change your life?

Hey! J.D.!

This is my boyfriend James. Thanks again for seeing him.

How's your heart?

The fluttering has stopped.

There! Is she black?

Nuh-uh.

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Scrubs Episode 4x15 My Hypocritical Oath

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Be with you in a second.

Thanks, doc!

It's funny, I thought you said you were the one who needed a doctor.

No, I told you it was James.

Ohh. How could I not have heard that?

Remember, I said...

My God, look at those beautiful eyes. They're so bi--

You're doing it again!

so... I'll see you in there.

Okay. In there, I'll see you.

Oh man, I can't believe it's over.

Dude, maybe it's not that serious, all right? There could be a window.

But you have to get in there and fish for information, all right?

You don't want to lose this hottie!

She is a slammin' hottie! And you don't wann--

- Turk. - Mm-hmm.

I got this: Baby, you know you're his world!

I'm going for it. But I got-- I gotta-- I gotta go in there hot.

Turk, what's that joke that Mickhead always tells?

Dude? A guy walks into a dentist's office and says,

"I think I'm a moth."

The dentist then says, "Well, if you think you're a moth,

why'd you come to the dentist's office?" The guy then says:

"Well, the light was on."

That moth is crazy!

Hey, I heard a great joke.

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says,

"I think I'm a moth."

And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth,

why are you at a dentist's office?"

Oh, no, I forgot the punchline....

You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!

... So the moth says...

"That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?"

And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist,

but I... I do dabble in orthodontry-- braces and such."

And...and the moth says:

"Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."

"The light was on"!

"But! To answer your original question,

which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office?

The answer is, Because the light was on!"

The light! The light, James.

Moths love light.

So, James, other than your funny bone being broken,

what seems to be the problem?

I've had a fever and stomach ache for almost a week.

Okay, well, uh, let's get a little history on you.

Time to go fishing for some info.

Do you ever have any, uh, shortness of breath?

For instance when you're walking Kylie to the apartment that you share?

We don't live together.

Window! Window!

Oh, so you're-- you're waiting until you get married?

We're not engaged.

To answer your question, I don't have any shortness of breath.

But my right knee is a little puffy.

Well, maybe that's from dragging your feet! Am I right, Kylie!

Heh. She knows! Okay.

Using patient histories to your advantage is an old doctor trick

Let's face it: What a doctor says and what they mean are often two different things.

I know Dr. Robbins treated your husband in the E.R.,

but we're gonna approach this case a bit differently.

And it's very comforting to have the chief of medicine here.

I took a special interest in this case.

Oh, thank you!

Hey, Elliot.

Your boobies look hot today.

Mr. Chang's test results showed that he's in renal failure.

We're just waiting for the results of his blood smear.

No need. I saw his chart right before I went to the bakery. He's got malaria.

And you were going to tell him this after you had a sticky bun?

Well, in my defense,

he's going to live at least another 12 hours and the bakery closes at five.

Well, we've gotta get moving on this! What should we do?

Nothing. Mr. Chang is not long for this world.

Do you believe that guy?

I never cease to be amazed by the depth of his cynicism and callousness.

So, what do you think we should do?

Oh, I don't care. I'm going home to watch the Lakers play the Heat.

It's the game of the year-- Shaq versus Kobe.

And you are going to stay here and deal with this yourself.

Shaq versus Kobe?

All the best. Ooh! Let it happen!

Three, two, one! Ahhhhhh!

What's this stretch good for?

It loosens up my chest.

But you should probably stretch too.

Don't need to, buddy --

I got a tube of Ben-Gay on each one of my hamstrings.

How things going with Kylie?

They're okay. Is there some special way to get a black girl to like you?

Dude, the only difference between a black girl and a white girl is that

when a black girl asks you if her ass looks big?

- You say, "Hell yeah!" - All right!

Okay! You wanna play some ball?

Hell, yes!

Dr. Kelso, I have thought about it,

and I am not going to just stand around and wait for Mr. Chang to die.

- Excuse me? - Are you kidding me?

Barbie going toe-to-toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoyings?

Well, happy birthday to me

We should do an exchange transfusion.

And the southpaw with the blonde bangs and the big britches comes out sa-winging!

Sweetheart, the man is seventy-two and in multisystem organ dysfunction.

It's done! It's parasites one, person zero!

And if you tell that family he's got a chance, all you're doing is raising their hopes.

Ohhh! Tremendous body blow!

Oh, and for the record, we're not colleagues.

I don't care what you think.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from Monroeville, Pennsylvania!

By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.

Well, yeah, that's well and good, but I'm not available.

There is no chance I am missing this game! No chance, no how!

What the...? Say, Bob,

what the hell happened in your office?

Oh, every year the med students get me with a practical joke.

They messed with the speed control on my treadmill.

What I can't figure is how they got into my office.

Here's the key to Kelso's office.

And here's Nurse Tisdale's phone number.

I don't have any idea how they might have gotten in here, Bob.

But I can tell you this:

If you think I'm missing the biggest game of the year, you got another thing--

I hate to interrupt you,

but I'm still feeling a little woozy from being shot into my wall like a lawn dart.

So why don't you just go work your shift and use my VCR to tape the game?

When did you get this?

Right about the time we couldn't afford that M.R.I. machine.

Ah, of course you did.

Hey, Kylie, I wrote down that moth joke for you.

Wow.

Give her a compliment. Tell her she has a huge ass!

- You-- - What happened to your eye?

Oh, this, it's a little embarrassing. I was playing baske--

Embarrassing for me, actually, see.... It's wing-man time.

We were playing basketball, and he scored eight buckets in a row on yours truly.

- Yeah. I ally-ooped him. - Shut up.

Mmm! You coulda used J.D. at Seton Hall!

Oh, also, the soup kitchen where you volunteer called, and they said--

You played ball at Seton Hall?

All four years.

Get outta here!

Did-did-did the soup kitchen where I volunteer have a message?

Yeah, they're out of broth. So what was like playing college ball?

Sweetie, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria and get you a coffee.

Oh, okay.

Hell, no! Sweetie ain't drinking no cafeteria coffee!

Sweetie, you are drinking the coffee from the doctors' lounge!

Let's. Seton Hall, huh? That is...

Thank you. Your test results, let's see what's going on.

Your gram stain shows that you have...

you have gonorrhea.

... We should probably test Kylie to see if she's infected.

Oh, no, we haven't slept together... yet.

It's not like I'm missing out --

shoot, I probably got it from my secretary.

Or that trainer from the gym.

Ooh, or this fine chick, Tamyra, that bartends with Kylie? Yeah.

Well, we should probably get--

get you fixed up, or things might start falling off of ya.

Listen up.

I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads,

which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game.

And seeing as no one in the history of this germ box

has ever made it through a shift without saying

"Oh my God, oh, my God,

did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties?

A 900 pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for twenty minutes!"

Be warned: If you utter a word about the score of the game,

it will be your last.

Now get out!

Go, go, go, go, go. Chop chop!

What drives people to seek revenge?

So....

You don't want to know the ending of something?

I can relate to that.

What is that in your lap?

Leonard! Half kitten, half monkey!

Unfortunately, with his system failing,

Dr. Reid and I have agreed there's nothing more we can do.

What drives people to go back on their word?

If we do an exchange transfusion there's a chance we can save your father.

Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now, you have to keep this between us--

you know, doctor-patient confidentiality, right?

And what do you do when every fiber of your being wants to say something,

but you know you can't?

Hey! What are you guys talking about?

Nothin'!

Why do all the good ones have boyfriends with venereal diseases

but you can't say anything 'cause you're the guy's doctor?

I am so sick of men screwing women over!

Like cheating on them or using your lavender bath gel to wash their car!

Baby, you did not just compare cheating and

getting gonorrhea to me using your soap--

I'm just saying men let you down.

J.D., you have to tell her.

Baby, when J.D. became a doctor, he took the Hippocratic Oath.

And I'm sorry, but there's no way around it.

Is... there an "A"?

Yes there is!

Yes!

There may be a way around it...

Thanks.

Ooh, Bar-bye! You are up there without a net this time!

Well, I sure do hope Mr. Chang rallies for ya, because if he doesn't,

sure shootin' you're gonna be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying

"sweetheart, I told you so"

from now until you are two inches shorter

and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on.

Oh, now it's time to ruin the game! Come with me to the window!

Why? What do you have, some elaborate plan?

I do, as a matter of fact.

I convinced everybody in this hospital that's afraid of me

to go outside and spell out the score of the game.

Really?

No, you idiot. I'm just gonna tell you the score of the game

... maybe knock your head against the glass.

Look. I was way outta line telling you how that movie ended.

But, God save me,

watching sports is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life.

So you, you tell me, what's it gonna take

for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair,

and enjoy the game?

I would like... to perform open-heart surgery.

No.

How about you perform surgery on me so that I can breathe under water.

No.

I would like a shark that can read minds.

No!

You and I trade lives for a year.

No!

How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in your massage chair?

Done.

Done!

Hey, guys! It's off!

Wow!

You guys are organized!

Hey! Catch that Lakers-Heat game?

Five seconds left! --

I can't believe you make three hundred dollars in tips a night.

This is why doctors should have tip jars.

I mean, I make three bucks for serving a martini,

you put your lips on the mouth of a slobbering dead guy and bring him back to life --

that's gotta be worth at least a five spot!

I... should be getting back to James.

There's no rush. Uh, a nurse is up there right now getting some blood from him.

Oh! I'm sorry! It's never taken me twelve pokes to find a vein!

- Ow! - Got it! Wheeeee!

Ugh, I shoulda brought my laptop -- I could've gotten so much work done.

You can bartend online?

I just work at the club to pay for grad school.

I'm getting my Masters in political science.

I love politics! Ask me anything!

What are you doing?! You don't know anything about politics!

You're screwed unless she asks about Bush

or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks!

Did you know only 17% of people under the age of 25 voted last year?

You can vote if you're under 25?

The only thing you can take solace in is that

a girl like her would probably never be interested in you anyway.

I can't believe a cute guy like you doesn't have a girlfriend.

If I was single, I'd totally snatch you up.

Would you like to play a game of Hangman?

As I sat there letting my interns do all my work,

I wondered if there was a parallel universe

where another J.D. and another Kylie could be together because

there's no Hippocratic Oath on planet Glornak Seven.

Are you on Glornak Seven?

Why are you so happy?

I just did an exchange transfusion on my malaria patient in there,

and he just woke up from his coma.

Well, he woke up to a world of bad boyfriends, oaths, and gonorrhea.

He sure did. And you know why?

Because I broke the rules and ignored what Dr. Kelso wanted me to do.

Sometimes you have to break the rules.

And Elliot's patient waking up was a clear sign that you couldn't deny.

Mr Chang is crashing!

Signs be damned! I'm telling her!

Kylie! Kylie!

Dude! You can't tell her!

They won't let you be a doctor anymore!

Who cares! I'd make more money bartending!

Turk! If we leave right now, I might actually be awake for sex tonight.

Just go get my coat.

You owe me.

Baby!

So, I didn't know which one was yours,

so I grabbed all of 'em.

Just give me a second, okay?

I need to talk to Elliot, and then I gotta clock out.

And then we have sex? Then we have...?

I really thought he had a shot.

Well, the family's downstairs whenever you're ready to talk to them.

Go ahead. Call me sweetheart and tell me I'm a pathetic excuse for a doctor.

You made a bold decision and it bit you in the keister.

Yeah.

I don't like people disagreeing with me.

There's not another resident here who has the guts to do it.

I just feel so guilty about Mr. Chang. Could you at least just...

make fun of my bangs or something?

Dr. Reid, take it from a colleague.

Telling that family what happened after getting their hopes up is going to be

far worse than any shot I could take at that John Denver haircut you're sporting.

Did...

did you just call me a colleague?

I did. But I hate my colleagues.

What the hell are you doing?

I get to have sex!

I hate this place.

I get to have sex tonight!

Hey, Kylie, there you are.

Hey! J.D.!

This is your moment! Grab it!

Listen, Kylie... Out loud, you idiot! Out loud!

I wanted to thank you for being such a great doctor.

And there it was.

Great doctors don't break oaths.

Thanks again. For everything.

Someone once said the bad guys always win.

Sometimes the bad guy is a jerk boyfriend.

It's finally here! The long-awaited showdown between Shaq and Kobe!

Sometimes the bad guy is the man

you've been battling with for as long as you can remember.

Hey, Perry! 98-97, Lakers. Kobe dunked over Shaq for the game winner.

Don't ever mess with my treadmill!

Is this homemade gravy? Mmm!

And sometimes the bad guy is a disease that you didn't stand a chance against.

But...

you said he could get better.

I am so sorry.

I guess all you can do is

come back to work the next morning and hope that being a good guy pays off.

What are you doing here?

My girlfriend Tamyra, from the club?

She's also feeling a little sick, and you'll never guess what she has.

Gonorrhea!

I mean... gonorrhea.

Kylie, I-I wanted to tell you so badly, but, you know, it's against the rules.

You could tell me now.

Your boyfriend is a jerk.

He's not my boyfriend.

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