Original subtitles

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage Sarah Millican!

(LOUD CHEERING)

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

- Ah! - (CHEERING CONTINUES)

Whoo! (ensues)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Oh, what a lovely warm welcome.

Thank you so much. You're so kind. How the fuck are you? Are you well?

(AUDIENCE SHOUTS AND CHEERS)

I'm glad. Give us a cheer if you're on the top level.

(CHEERING)

Second.

(CHEERING)

They're not sure which level they're on, are they, those? Third.

(CHEERING)

- Downstairs. - (LOUD CHEERING)

We're all here, let's get fucking cracking.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you so much for coming, it's so lovely to see you all.

I've been on tour since January. I absolutely love being on tour.

We do a lot of driving, obviously, when we're on tour

and I've discovered recently that I get a touch of road rage.

Anybody else get road rage?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

I do the shouting and the swearing but my favourite thing is the hand gestures.

I love the hand gestures.

I do all three of them. I don't know if you know there's three.

- I start with that one. - (LAUGHTER)

That's a classic, isn't it? And then I do that one.

(LAUGHTER)

And they can't always see that from the other car

so you do have to take your pelvis up quite high

and mime a cock bigger than one that ever existed.

(LAUGHTER)

And the third one I do is this one.

- Arrrrrh! - (LAUGHTER)

And that's when I realise that's not one of them, is it?

Arrrrrh!

"I'm so annoyed by your driving, I'm gonna suck your cock for you!"

(LAUGHTER)

It's not one of them. You guys are fun.

This is gonna be fun, I can tell already.

(LAUGHTER)

Aye, I've been doing stand-up for 13 years. I absolutely love my job.

When I first started doing stand-up, it was off the back of a divorce.

So a lot of what I talked about on stage was divorce related.

And I did a gig in the early days in Kidderminster.

(CHEERING)

That is so weird cos they don't normally cheer

when you're actually in fucking Kidderminster.

(LAUGHTER)

But a man came up to me after I'd been on stage and said,

"I've got two things to say to you." I said, "Oh, what are they?"

He said, "The first thing is, fuck me, what you've been through."

I said, "I'm all right, flower. Thanks, anyway, but I'm all right."

- (LAUGHTER) - I said, "What's the second thing?"

- He said, "Fuck me." - (LAUGHTER)

Same words, very different intonation.

I just ran to my car as quickly as I could cos I needed to get him... home.

(LAUGHTER)

That bit's not true. I really wish it was.

I just ran to my car and went home on my own. I was too scared.

I've never been that confident sexually, not like that.

I've never been like, "Fuck me." I've never been like that.

- (GRUNTS) - (LAUGHTER)

Can't get away with that, can I?

I'm not sure anybody can who's in a party dress and plimsolls.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) But even in the intervening years, things haven't changed.

I've been with the same bloke now for 12 years

and even now I'm still a bit like, "I mean, do you fancy it?

- Should I wash it?" - (LAUGHTER)

"Would that help?"

Apparently it would. That's good to fucking know, isn't it?

Before I start properly, I need to tell you something.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

If at any point during the show, I stand a bit funny,

like maybe I stick my leg out like this, or I lift it up like this,

anything where you think, "What the fuck's she doing with her leg?"

It's because I've literally just put a clean sanitary towel on.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

And it hasn't moulded to my body yet.

(LAUGHTER)

I think the problem is there's a little bit of wing stuck to my thigh.

(LAUGHTER)

And I am at the horniest pan of my menstrual cycle

so you've been fucking warned.

(LAUGHTER)

I just want somebody to hit it with a spoon,

just a wooden spoon or a ladle.

Not a teaspoon cos I'll only fucking lose that in there.

(LAUGHTER)

I feel much better having told you that. Thanks, everybody.

(LAUGHTER)

I was talking to a friend of mine.

I've got quite low self-esteem and my friend was trying to cheer me up.

And she said, "I think you're a fox." I said, "Shut up, I'm not a fox."

She said, "You are, I think you're a fox."

I said, "Shut up, I'm not a fox." And then I had a think about it.

And I thought, "Maybe I am a fox." In that I regularly eat out of bins.

(LAUGHTER)

I was in a hotel in London.

I'd been at work. I brought a croissant to eat when I got back.

When I got back I didn't want the croissant,

I wanted something from room service, something with gravy on.

Sol put the croissant in the bin.

And then I fell asleep and I woke up and it was too late for room service.

So I got the croissant back out of the bin and I ate it.

I told my friend I'd eaten a croissant out of the bin,

and she went, "Ooh, posh!"

(LAUGHTER)

The name I do sometimes call myself is a reverse Hulk.

Do you remember the Hulk, the Incredible Hulk? Yes?

I'm a reverse Hulk because I burst out of clothes and then get mad.

(LAUGHTER)

It's lovely to be here. I do miss my little dog when I'm on the road.

I've got a little dog, he's adorable, he's a rescue dog. He's very sweet.

He doesn't get on with other dogs so that's the one problem we have.

He will bark at all other dogs.

But I just use the fact that he's a rescue if that comes up.

So say I'm out walking him and he barks at another dog,

the other owner will look at me like, "Control your dog."

And I'll just turn to her and I'll say...

(VOICE BREAKS) "I'm really sorry... but he's a rescue."

- (LAUGHTER) - And then she'll turn to me and say...

(VOICE BREAKS) "I'm so sorry for what he's been through."

(LAUGHTER)

The truth is his owner died and we got him, that's what he's been through.

(LAUGHTER)

You can't do that with blokes, can you?

(LAUGHTER)

If a bloke's fighting in a pub, you can't go... (VOICE BREAKS)

"I'm really sorry. But he's a rescue."

(LAUGHTER)

"Just found him wandering round Debenhams on his own."

(LAUGHTER)

"We've checked and he's not married cos he hasn't been chipped."

(LAUGHTER)

The dog hurt his paw a few months ago so I rang the vet and it was out of hours.

I got put through to the vet herself. She said, "What's the problem?"

I said, "The dog's hufl his paw." She said, "Which paw?"

And I said, "It's his left hand."

- (LAUGHTER) - She said, "His what?"

I said, "His left hand." She said, "You mean his foreleg?"

I said, "I don't know, I didn't go to university like you did, flower."

- (LAUGHTER) - "To me it's his left hand."

I know you're thinking I humanise the dog. I know that's what you're thinking.

Fuck off, I don't. I don't humanise him. Fuck off, I don't.

So I took his little waistcoat off and I took him to the vet.

(LAUGHTER)

Got him all bandaged up. Brought him home. My husband was away.

I thought I should ring him, let him know what's going on.

He said, “What's the matter?“ I said, “The dog's hurt his paw.“

My husband said, "Which paw?"

I thought what's the fucking fascination with which paw?

It's not like it's the one he writes with.

(LAUGHTER)

I said it was his left hand.

- My husband said, "His what?" - (LAUGHTER)

I said, "His left hand."

He said, "Ah, you mean front passenger side?"

(LAUGHTER)

The dog sleeps downstairs. His choice. He sleeps on the sofa.

Then in the morning when he wakes up, he comes up to our bedroom

and every single day, he asks permission to get on the bed.

It's adorable. He pats the side of the bed with both hands.

- Hands. - (LAUGHTER)

I wake up and I go, "Go on then," and he jumps up on the bed

and little spoons me, lies like this.

We all fall back to sleep for another half an hour or so. It's adorable.

The other day, having fallen back to sleep again,

I woke up because he was growling.

I thought, "What's he growling at? What's going on here?"

What had happened, because they're sort of loose in the night,

one of my boobs had landed on his head.

(LAUGHTER)

The dog is very little. My tits are not.

(LAUGHTER)

(GROWLS)

(LAUGHTER)

Poor bugger. He's lucky he didn't get caught between them.

- He'd be fucking dead. - (LAUGHTER)

We've got two cats as well. We've basically got pets instead of kids.

- Give us a cheer if you have got kids. - (CHEERING)

Give us a cheer if you've got pets instead.

(\NILD CHEERING)

Not as many of us, but we're fucking happier, aren't we?

(LAUGHTER)

I've got a friend who's just had a baby. I don't know anything about babies.

I said, "How long can you leave her for?"

(LAUGHTER)

My friend was like, "You can't leave babies on their own."

I said, "Can you not? That's rubbish. I can leave the dog for four hours."

- (LAUGHTER) - I'm so rubbish with kids.

I was in a shoe shop. You know the seats you sit on to try on shoes?

I sat on one and a lady sat right beside me.

She pushed her buggy in front of us both and in the buggy was a little girl,

who turned to me as if to start a conversation.

I panicked a bit. This is out of my comfort zone.

But I thought, "Let's see how it goes."

She turned to me and she went, "What's your name?"

I thought, "This is gonna be a piece of piss.

I know the answer to question number one!"

- (LAUGHTER) - I said, "My name's Sarah."

And then she went, "What's your hair?"

"What's your hair?" What kind of fucking question is that?

With my self-esteem, I felt like she was being quite judgy if I'm honest,

like she was looking at me and going, "What the fuck's happening here, like?"

(LAUGHTER)

So I just asked her who her dad was

and she didn't know and it got really awkward.

(LAUGHTER)

My friend who has the baby also has a two-year-old.

Atwo-year-old and a three-month-old, both girls, and I went to visit them.

The baby was a bit fractious and my friend said,

"While I son the baby out, could you look after the little one?"

I said, "Of course."

I thought, "How hard can it be to look after a two-year-old?"

She'll definitely tell me when she wants to go outside for a wee.

(LAUGHTER)

And I've nearly always got meaty snacks in my pockets.

They're gonna go down a treat later on.

She was very chatty, the whole time, chat chat chat, chat chat chat.

But I couldn't make fucking head nor tail of anything she said.

She's at that weird son of gibberish age

where she's just looking at me and going, "Haba tata taba tata tat."

I started to just say yes to see if that would kind of move her on.

"Yes." Didn't work.

In the end the kitchen door opened and my friend had the baby like this.

She went, "She's trying to tell you about Peter Rabbit."

- I said, "Is she fuck!" - (LAUGHTER)

The only thing I understood out of this kid's mouth,

I was reading a book to her and I got a bit distracted by the pictures.

I said, "There's a bird and there's a ladybird."

She looked me straight in the eyes and she went, "Read on."

(LAUGHTER)

But I always think what I hear when kids talk to me,

it's probably what Stephen Fry hears when I talk to him.

Like I think I'm saying something really eloquent and well thought out,

and he just hears, "I like chips."

- (LAUGHTER) - "What's your hair?"

I've been spending a bit of time with my family.

I took my mam shopping. My mam's in a wheelchair.

We went into a department store, went into the disabled toilet.

She had her wee. I thought, "While I'm in, I'll have a quick wee as well."

But I knew I needed to fad.

And the problem was the toilet was on a very busy thoroughfare.

A lot of people going past that door.

So I said to my mam, "Do us a favour, Mam." She said, "What?"

I said, "Clap." I don't know why I said clap.

I think I thought the noise would drown it out.

Obviously I'm very comfortable with applause. This is my job, after all.

So she did, she went like this.

- She did one. - (LAUGHTER)

I said, "How good do you think my timing is, Mam?"

(LAUGHTER)

The problem we had is when she clapped, the lights went off.

(LAUGHTER)

Luckily I did a big loud fad and they came back on again!

(LAUGHTER)

My er... My mam delivers compliments in a very interesting way.

Some of you might have mams like this, some of you might be mams like this.

For example, when my hair was a lot longer,

instead of saying, "Your hair looks nice,"

my mam said, "Oh, you're not gonna get your hair cut, are you?"

So I've stopped staying, "I love you," and now I just say,

"I'll be really sad when you die."

(LAUGHTER)

Afew months ago I was playing a game of Jenga with some friends.

A couple of days after that, I was talking to my dad on the phone.

I thought I'd tell him about it.

Then I thought, I don't know if my dad knows what Jenga is.

He's in his 70s, I don't know when it first became popular.

So I thought, I'll ask him so I said, "Dad, do you know what Jenga is?"

And he said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like sex."

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "Jenga." He said, "Yeah, sex."

- I had so many questions. - (LAUGHTER)

- And I didn't want any of the answers. - (LAUGHTER)

I said, "Can I ask which word you think I'm saying?"

And he said, "Yeah. Gender." I was like, "Oh, thank fuck for that!"

(LAUGHTER)

I had a horrible idea that's that what him and my mam called it.

He's trying to pull himself out without toppling her over.

(LAUGHTER)

I've got one sister, there's just the two of us.

My sister is six years older than me.

When she was a teenager, she used to talk very slang, very Geordie slang.

My mam didn't like it so my mam would correct her,

and me being the little shitty sister, I would help.

(LAUGHTER)

So my sister said, "I'm garn oot."

My mam would correct her and say, "I'm going out."

My sister would have to repeat, "I'm going out,"

before she was allowed to... go out.

I'd just be standing beside them both saying, "I'm going out,"

like the arsehole that I was.

(LAUGHTER)

But there was a time my sister was ill, she had a bad finger.

She went to hospital with my mam, they came back in from A&E.

I said to my sister, "What's the matter with your finger then?"

She said, "Ooh, they said it's gangrene."

And I genuinely said, "Going green."

(LAUGHTER)

Like I properly thought a medical doctor had gone, "That's gan green."

(LAUGHTER)

"Then it's ganna gan broon then it's ganna fall off."

(LAUGHTER)

We went on two holidays abroad when I was a kid.

Went to Malta when I was four. Went to Spain when I was eight.

When I was eight and we went to Spain, my holiday present was a baby doll.

Very nice, but it was like this. It was huge.

I think that's when I first got an idea that I might not want to have kids.

Cos I had an inkling they came out of pan of a lady

and I was pretty convinced no pan of me would have allowed that!

I say that like that's changed. No part of me would still allow that.

Fuck off, it wouldn't, fuck off.

(LAUGHTER)

The funny thing about the baby doll, took the dummy out, baby cried loudly.

Put the dummy back in, baby stopped crying.

Now if you ask any woman in this room

when she first feels like she became a woman,

most women will probably say when they started their period, that's standard.

Not me. I know exactly the day that I became a woman.

It was on that holiday at the age of eight.

The night we lost the baby doll's dummy.

(LAUGHTER)

Because on the same night, I was bitten on the nipple...

Afew people are laughing at that already.

It's not technically funny yet.

You don't know what by. I could be about to say by a paedophile.

(LAUGHTER)

It was a mosquito. You're lucky, it was funny.

I was bitten on the nipple by a mosquito,

had a terrible reaction and grew an actual boob.

(LAUGHTER)

So I know I became a woman that night

because I was eight years old in an adult bra

and my baby would not shut the fuck up!

(LAUGHTER)

Afew months ago I decided to go for a bra fitting.

Give us a whoo if you've ever been for a bra fitting.

WOMEN: Whoo!

Give us a whoo if you did not enjoy it.

WOMEN: Whoo!

Exactly the same people again. It's a very odd experience, isn't it?

I'll give you an opportunity should you want to shout out

and tell me what it was you didn't like about your bra fitting

but let me give you a couple of examples to start you off.

There was a lady, I said, "What didn't you like about your bra fitting?"

She shouted out, "Cold hands."

I get it. Cold hands aren't pleasant to touch and they do have to touch you.

But I had a think about it and I think I prefer cold hands to warm hands.

Warm hands kind of ick me out.

Warm hands imply to me that they've been doing this.

- "Ooh!" - (LAUGHTER)

"Ooh, Sheila, I've seen my ten o'clock, I cannot wait. Ooh!"

(LAUGHTER)

There was a lady, I said, "What didn't you like about your bra fitting?"

She shouted out, "It was embarrassing!"

I said, "Of course it's embarrassing, flower, but was there one moment

that was worse than the rest?"

She said, "Yes, when I took my bra off, two bits of popcorn fell out."

(LAUGHTER)

Now probably the easiest way to talk to you guys is to talk to you

in a kind of upstairs and kind of downstairs.

That probably makes a bit of sense and maybe if we do this half.

If I'm the centre point, let's do this half as one side, this half the other,

and we'll do upstairs and downstairs. That sound all right?

- AUDIENCE: Yeah. - Yeah, OK.

Anybody on this side want to shout out

and tell me what you didn't like about your bra fitting?

(\NOMEN SHOUT OUT)

There was a lady somewhere here. Give us a wave.

Yeah. What did you say, my love?

- (WOMAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) - You were disappointed?

(LAUGHTER)

And also your accent is the best accent to be disappointed in.

(BIRMINGHAM ACCENT) I was disappointed.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Why were you disappointed, my love?

- It was a woman! - It was a woman?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

She's clapping herself! “That was really funny, I was really funny just then.“

Were you expecting a good groping, was that what you were wanting? You were!

Oh, my God. There was a lady shouted out quite recently,

she said that it was a male bra fitter and we were all really shocked.

The audience were like, "Oh, my God."

I said, "Which shop was that?", cos I thought let's find out.

All the women were ready to write it down.

(LAUGHTER)

And a man in a totally different pan of the room went, "My shop."

(LAUGHTER)

Made me laugh.

Anybody else in this side? Give us a wave.

Where are you? There you are. Hello, my love, what did you say?

Wonky boobs? Is this a heckle? No?

- (LAUGHTER) - You never know in this section.

Wonky boobs?

- (WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) - SARAH: She pointed out...

She pointed out that one is somewhat, I love the use of the word "somewhat",

larger than the other?

- But aren't everybody's? Yes. - AUDIENCE: Yes.

Did she do the traditional test?

There's a traditional test for finding out which is your bigger one.

(HONKS LIKE A CLOWN'S HORN) That's it.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(HONKS LIKE ACLOWN'S HORN) Ah!

And that is a joke and if anybody does that to you

and you have not given them permission, go to the fucking police.

- (LAUGHTER) - Thanks very much, my love.

Anybody else over this side? Over this side? Yes, give us a wave.

- (WOMAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) - The style?

She was older than me and she wanted...

I'm just letting everybody else know. She was older than you?

How much older was she than you? Couple of decades?

- Three. - Three decades older than you?

And how old are you roughly? Don't tell us, just decades.

You don't have to tell us properly but like 40s, 50s, what are you?

- SARAH: 30s. - I'm 54.

Fifty-four. She was 84?

(LAUGHTER)

Did she try and fit you with a sanitary belt as well, did she?

(LAUGHTER)

There was a lady here in the glasses. Hello, my lovely.

What happened to you, my love?

It was roasting in Marksy's and they made me wait.

She got the tape measure out and I was... clammy.

Oh! It was roasting in Marksy's, that was the first pan of the story.

And then you were clammy.

Clammy.

Did she comment on the clamminess?

Yeah.

Did the tape measure just, like, stick?

(LAUGHTER)

That's what I would worry about.

"You're never gonna get this back, flower, it's stuck to my under boobs."

(LAUGHTER)

"It hasn't been dry under there since fucking April."

(LAUGHTER)

Fact. Thank you very much. Over this side.

Anybody want to say what you didn't like about your bra fitting?

- WOMAN: The slang! - Give us a wave.

Oh, you're right here. The slang? What... What slang did she use?

WOMAN: She said, "You're between a gosh and a golly gosh."

She said you're between a gosh and a golly gosh?

(LAUGHTER)

Are you sure it was a professional bra fitter?

(LAUGHTER)

SARAH: Anybody else?

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

They told you there were no bras for you. Like, in the whole shop?

- (LAUGHTER) - Nothing for you.

(LAUGHTER)

Is that because you're too big, too small? What was the reason?

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

You don't know? She didn't tell you? She just said, "None for you."

- (LAUGHTER) - And you went, "OK."

(LAUGHTER)

I can't quite see, you've got a dark top on.

Are you excessively big, excessively small? No?

- Just average. - Average?

Nothing wrong with that. Oh, she's... Are you related?

- No! - SARAH: No?

You just pointed at another lady's boobs and said "average".

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

You don't know each other? You've just met tonight?

(LAUGHTER)

And you think her boobs are average.

(LAUGHTER)

No bras for you. I can see why she said it. No bras for you.

(LAUGHTER)

- Chopsy fuck. - (LAUGHTER)

Thank you. There was somebody at the back, I think. Shout again.

- There you are. - (WOMAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

They said... Hold on. The shop said they only had one bra?

Maybe you got there too late?

(LAUGHTER)

"We've got one left, you're gonna have to fit it, it's all we've got.

There's a blonde lady behind you, we'll have to turn her away."

They said they'd only got one bra?

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

The only one'll fit you is a Doreen.

(LAUGHTER)

I really apologise if there's anybody called Doreen in the room.

(LAUGHTER)

It's not what you want your bra to be called, is it?

They only had a Doreen. Did you try the Doreen on?

Yes, but it only comes in flesh.

It only comes in flesh?

(LAUGHTER)

Do you mean flesh coloured?

Or do you mean only comes in actual flesh?

(LAUGHTER)

Was it pan of a woman called Doreen?

(LAUGHTER)

"I'll have the flesh-coloured one. Oh, it really smells."

(LAUGHTER)

Did anybody else know that they name them after ladies?

- (SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT) - Yes, some of you did!

Agosh, a golly gosh and a Doreen.

(LAUGHTER)

We've learnt a lot tonight, haven't we?

Anyone else at this side?

You forgot to cut your hairy nipples?

(LAUGHTER)

I fucking love women. I love women so much!

I bet you haven't told your closest friends that, but you'll tell all of us.

(LAUGHTER)

And what happened, did the lady comment on it or not?

- She gave them a little stroke. - She gave them a little stroke!

- (LAUGHTER) - Fuck off, she didn't!

"Do you want me to plait that for you?"

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you. Was there another one over here? There you are.

What happened to you, my love?

(\NOMAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

- She had to get a second opinion? - (LAUGHTER)

What is... What was it she wasn't... Why am I doing this? I'm so sorry.

- (LAUGHTER) - This is so offensive. I'm so sorry.

What was it that she didn't understand that she needed to get checked?

She thought I had a third nipple.

- She thought you had a third nipple? - (LAUGHTER)

Well, what fucking business is that of hers?

Unless you need a bra for the third one, she should fuck off!

And did you know this, was this a surprise to you?

I'd been eating bran flakes.

- You'd been eating bran flakes! - (LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I'm guessing it wasn't a third nipple then.

(LAUGHTER)

So she went and got... Had you picked it off in the meantime?

- (LAUGHTER) - (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

You waited to see what her reaction would be!

(LAUGHS)

- Oh, my God, that is hilarious! - (APPLAUSE)

Yeah, I think she deserves a round of applause.

(APPLAUSE)

Oh! Oh, God.

Well done, Birmingham, that was excellent. Jesus.

In fact, shall we give everybody a round of applause who joined in?

(APPLAUSE)

I quite like finding out where people have gone for their bra fitting.

There was a lady recently shouted out and I didn't know this was a thing.

She had her bra fitting done in Ann Summers. Did you know that was a thing?

- (A FEW WOMEN SHOUT) - Afew of you did.

Now those ladies who said yes, answer me this question, then.

Do they measure you for everything there?

(LAUGHTER)

"I'm gonna need a bigger one, it's just rattling around."

(LAUGHTER)

There was a lady once said that she had hers done in Aldi.

And I'm almost certain you can't get it done in there.

It's just a nice young lad in the stockroom, very obliging.

(LAUGHTER)

You can't make an appointment, you've just got to go and ask if Terry's on.

(LAUGHTER)

There was a lady recently shouted out, "Too many mirrors. Too many mirrors."

And I think she's right, I think there are too many mirrors.

When I went for mine, the lady said to me,

"And would you like to look at the back of the bra?"

- And I thought, "No." - (LAUGHTER)

Thought maybe I'm missing out on something.

Had a look, turns out I've got back tits as well!

(LAUGHTER)

I didn't know about those. Thanks for pointing them out, you fucking cow!

(LAUGHTER)

I'm surprised you didn't try and sell me a bra for the back ones an' all!

I'll tell you what happened. Every now and again I have to have a photo shoot.

I hate photo shoots cos I have really bad body image issues,

so a photo shoot for somebody like me is a nightmare.

Sometimes they're unavoidable and I had two in the space of a fortnight.

One for the cover of my book and one for the poster for this tour.

I had a lady who helped me pick clothes for the photo shoot.

I said, "I don't have the time or the inclination to lose any weight.

Could you recommend anything that might make me look a bit better?"

She said, "Go for a bra fitting.

A properly fitted bra will knock pounds off you."

And I said, "How many bras could I wear?"

(LAUGHTER)

Front tits, back tits, arse cheeks, maybe?

The place she recommended to me was until about four months ago

known as the queen's bra fitter.

Which I find a very odd thing to boast about.

I find that a very unusual thing to brag about.

I've never once watched Trooping the Colour on the telly

and thought, "Ooh, I wish I had tits like hers!"

(LAUGHTER)

But I made an appointment at the place she recommended.

I went to the appointment, I went into the cubicle with the lady

and I took off my top and I had my best bra on. You always wear your best one.

I said to the lady, "This is my best-fitting bra."

And she went like this. (LAUGHS DRAMATICALLY)

She said, "That's what everyone says."

I said, "Well, maybe that's what everyone means."

We didn't hit it off at all. It was fucking eggy from the get-go.

She said, "What we need to do with those two..." Those two!

"What we need to do with those two is lift and separate. Lift and separate."

I said, "Don't separate them too much

cos that's what it looks like when I'm in bed."

(LAUGHTER)

The way she was talking, she wanted them to look like a travel pillow.

(LAUGHTER)

She gave me a bra to try on and I said,

"Would you mind stepping out of the cubicle while I put on the bra

then I'll shout you back in?" She looked utterly perplexed by this.

She said, "Well, I have to fit it."

I said, "Yeah, that's the bit where you come back in.

Didn't tell you to go on your fucking dinner break, love."

She said, "I've been doing this for 30 years."

I said, "I haven't been doing this for 30 years."

Then I thought, "Showing my boobs to strangers? Probably a good 25."

(LAUGHTER)

I didn't want to add her to my list of people who've seen my tits.

There's not that many people on my list.

Just a handful of blokes and a window cleaner once by accident.

(LAUGHTER)

We got a bra that fit and she tightened up the straps

cos I had them on comfy setting.

You know, where they just graze your belly.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank God I've got a belly or they'd hit the fucking deck.

(LAUGHTER)

She tightened up the straps to where they're supposed to be

then put one finger under the strap and she said,

"You should only be able to fit one finger under the strap."

Then she looked at me for a response.

I didn't really know what to say.

I don't know why I said the following.

When she said, "One finger, that's the rule. One finger."

I said, "That's interesting cos it's two for a dog's collar."

- Why the fuck did I say that? - (LAUGHTER)

To make it worse, I then said,

"Are you trying to stop me from losing my boobs in the park?"

Why am I still talking? Shut the fuck up!

(LAUGHS)

A lady not long ago, I said, "What didn't you like about your bra fitting?"

She's an older lady. She said, "When I took my bra off,

my boobs went down like that, so they just measured my waist."

(LAUGHTER)

This lady, about a month ago, I was in Scotland,

and I said, "What didn't you like about it?"

She shouted out, "I enjoyed it more than I thought I should!"

- (LAUGHTER) - And then she said,

"I didn't know how much I'd enjoyed it till I got home

and checked my TENA Lady!"

- om - (LAUGHTER)

I did have one lady who was really irate about it.

She said, "I didn't like it cos I didn't know the etiquette

and I took my bra off too early."

- (LAUGHTER) - How does that work?

Was she still on the fucking bus?

(LAUGHTER)

I've got IBS. Give us a whoo if you've got IBS.

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP)

Give us a whoo if you've got the kind that means you never shit.

(A FEW PEOPLE WHOOP)

Whoo if you've got the kind that means you shit all the time.

- (MORE PEOPLE WHOOP) - On the aisles. Did you hear that?

They're always on the aisles. Got to be ready to go any time.

I'd high five you guys but my hands are still a bit wet from before.

(LAUGHTER)

What I've got is quite an unsophisticated digestive system.

Basically when I eat a meal, it kind of pushes the last one out.

Essentially it means I shit a lot in restaurants.

I was in a restaurant not long ago, I went to the ladies' loo after my meal

and in the ladies' loo were a couple of young girls, 20, 22, that son of age.

They were up at the mirrors reapplying their lipstick, chatting about boys.

I thought, "Oh, God, I hope you leave soon."

- (LAUGHTER) - "There's about to be a cacophony."

(LAUGHTER)

I always liken it to a fireworks display.

It always starts off like "pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop“-

(LAUGHTER)

And then dogs start barking cos they don't like it.

(LAUGHTER)

Children must always stand well back.

And the golden rule is you must never return to it.

(LAUGHTER)

I always think if I ever ran a building or a venue

or anywhere with toilets that were accessed by the public,

I'd do people like me and those people who "whooed", I'd do us a favour.

I'd have some music going through those toilets.

Maybe a little brass band in the corner.

A little oompah band, perhaps!

And at Christmas, "Little Drummer Boy" on a loop.

♪ Pa rum pum pum pum a“

(LAUGHTER)

Actually just before last Christmas, the day before Christmas Eve,

I was in Boots and I bought myself some Anusol cream and some Rennies.

And the woman on the till was very much in the Christmas spirit.

And as she put them in the bag, she went... (SING-SONG VOICE) "Enjoy!"

(LAUGHTER)

I've got a friend who likes kind of vintage retro stuff.

Do you remember those toilet roll holders

with the lady with the big dress?

Do you remember those? She's got one of those.

I thought I couldn't have one of those in my house.

Her skid would be off and on so much, it'd be like fucking Bucks Fizz.

(LAUGHTER)

I love my audience. Like, 60 per cent of you got that reference!

(LAUGHTER)

The rest are too young and have got something fun to Google when you get in.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) Ah...

I mentioned periods before. I always get embarrassed when I talk about periods.

I hate myself for it cos it's such a normal, natural thing

and seems a silly thing to be embarrassed about.

But even when I buy, like, sanitary towels or tampons...

Tampons! I don't know why I said tampons.

- What about this says fucking tampons? - (LAUGHTER)

I don't even roller-skate!

(LAUGHTER)

I always think tampons are either for women who can roller-skate

or they're for women who definitely know which hole does what down there.

(LAUGHTER)

I am not that woman.

(LAUGHTER)

Just give me what is essentially a nappy and I'll try my best.

(LAUGHTER)

One thing you might not know, you know non-applicator tampons,

the ones that are this sort of size, they were invented so that women

could put them in their hand and go to the loo in the office or the pub,

wouldn't have to take their handbag and it was a secret, nobody would know.

Doesn't really work for me. I wear night-time towels.

Looks like I'm taking a fucking bag of crisps!

(LAUGHTER)

And a grab bag at that.

I do get a bit embarrassed when I buy sanitary towels.

What I do when I get to the till, I pretend they're for something else.

"Oh, yeah, I'm just defrosting my freezer."

(LAUGHTER)

I did accidentally wash two sanitary towels in the washing machine once.

I know, I know, they came up lovely, though.

(LAUGHTER)

Half expected the rest of the laundry to be bone dry.

(LAUGHTER)

I've been married for nearly five years.

Been together a lot longer than that.

You know when you've been in a couple for a while,

there are things you'd change about each other, aren't there?

Nothing serious, nothing big, nothing you'd split up over.

Just trivial things.

Things that you think, if I could tweak that, they would be perfect for me.

I'll give an example.

When we first got together, one of the first nights we spent together

was in a really grotty B&B.

There was a pair of old man's pants under the bed.

And now they're everywhere.

(LAUGHTER)

He's quite a clumsy man, he does spill things quite a lot.

He always mops it up though, unless it's water.

He refuses to mop up water cos in his words, it'll evaporate.

Which is right, like, science is on his side.

But I told my friend and she said, "He'd have been no good on the Titanic."

I said, "To be honest, I'm not sure mopping would have helped."

(LAUGHTER)

But he's also not always very romantic.

Even when romance is put around him, he doesn't always go with the flow.

We were in a nice restaurant,

they started to light the candles on the tables and they dimmed the lights.

I got kind of swept up in the romance of it and I leant in for a kiss.

That's when my husband realised he needed to burp.

(LAUGHTER)

Ever the gentleman, he did it out of the corner of his mouth.

- (LAUGHTER) - And then came back in for the kiss.

I was like, "All right, let's just let that one settle for a while, shall we?"

And that was when I realised it had gone ever so slightly darker

cos what he'd done, he'd burped the fucking candle out.

(LAUGHTER)

I've got a question for all of you guys.

Give us a whoo if you've never had a wank. That's what I thought.

- Interesting, isn't it? - (LAUGHTER)

I love the sheer panic on some of your faces!

"I didn't get a chance to whoo!"

Always seems to be the family groups get affected more than anybody else.

"Oh, God, I'm sitting beside my mam and my nana

and I didn't get a chance to whoo."

(LAUGHTER)

"Hold on, my mam and my nana didn't whoo either."

(LAUGHTER)

Dirty sods, the lot of you. (LAUGHS)

I find when I have what I like to call "special Sarah time"...

(LAUGHTER)

There's different names. Rubbing your button.

That's one of the names. Rubbing your button.

One of my friends calls it checking her lettuce. Fuck knows what that means.

(LAUGHTER)

Special Sarah time.

You can call it that, but change it to your name otherwise it's weird.

(LAUGHTER)

When I have special Sarah time, I don't know if this is normal or not,

I've discovered that all of my sexual fantasies start the same.

They all stall exactly the same. They all stall like this.

I get in, the dishes are done.

- (LAUGHTER) - That's how they all start

Sometimes that's all I need as well. (GRUNTS) Done.

(LAUGHTER)

I have realised as well that if I orgasm alone,

I'm much more Northern than if I orgasm when somebody else is there.

On my own, every single time, "Ooh, you bugger!" Every single time.

(LAUGHTER)

"Ooh, you bugger!" And then I have a pie.

(LAUGHTER)

Some couples like to watch porn together. We don't watch porn together.

Largely because I don't really find it does anything for me.

In my limited experience of heterosexual porn,

it seems to be very much geared towards the men.

There doesn't seem to be much there for women at all.

Including one I watched a number of years ago

that was so much from a male point of view

that the camera was the man,

so whoever's watching it is watching it through the eyes of a man.

Very disconcerting to watch that as a woman as a man

33 a woman 33 a man.

At one point, the camera moved down, I had an erection.

I nearly fucking shat myself!

(LAUGHTER)

That's not all, there was a woman going at it like it was a fucking pasty.

- Oh, my God. - (LAUGHTER)

To be fair, that's what I'm like with a steak bake.

- Arrrrh! - (LAUGHTER)

- Arrrrh! - (APPLAUSE)

Just hit me in the face with it. Arrrrh!

(LAUGHTER)

Calm down, that was gravy.

(LAUGHTER)

Maybe we can talk to the people who make the porn.

Could we have something from a female point of view? You know what we'll get?

It's not what we want but it's what they think we want.

The camera will be the woman.

It'll just be facing a fucking headboard.

Headboard, headboard, headboard.

(LAUGHTER)

We do watch a lot of er...

(LAUGHS) I couldn't remember what non-porn films were called there. Films.

(LAUGHTER)

We watch a lot of films. We go to the cinema quite a lot.

That's our main hobby, I suppose.

Afew years ago we saw the film Room at the cinema.

- Has anybody seen the film Room? - AUDIENCE: Yes.

You might have seen the film, read the book. I imagine it's even better.

If you haven't seen the film, I do recommend it.

It's an incredible piece of work.

The story is a teenage girl is abducted and held prisoner for a number of years

by this kind of psychopath in his son of outhouse type of thing.

It's hard to watch. She's raped every day. She falls pregnant.

She has to have the child, she has to raise the child all in this one room.

Hence the title. It's brutal, it's emotionally exhausting.

Without wanting to spoil it, it's also very empowering at times as well.

It's one of those films, when it ends and the titles go up,

everybody in the cinema just kinda stays in their seats.

They're all pulling themselves together. My husband and I just sat in silence.

I cried so much I was just puling myself together.

We walked to the car in silence, got in the car, didn't turn the engine on.

Just sat there quietly. I was the one that broke the silence.

I said to my husband, "God, that was incredible. What an amazing film.

So powerful, so emotional. I've cried so much I'm absolutely knackered."

My husband still hadn't spoken.

I was a bit worried cos it's not as easy

for men to express emotion as it is for women.

So I turned to him and I said, "What did you think of it?"

And there's a little pause, and he went, "Why haven't I got a shed?"

(LAUGHTER)

That's what had been bothering him for two fucking hours!

(LAUGHTER)

We do watch a lot of films. We watched Iron Man on the telly not long ago.

If you don't know it, Iron Man is a superhero film.

It's not my cup of tea but I do quite like Robert Downey Jr in a white vest.

- Tick. Yeah. - (WOMEN WHOOP)

Partway through, I leant over to my husband and went,

"You should get a white vest."

He went, "Would you like that?" I said, "Yeah, I think I would."

He was like, "Maybe I'll get a white vest then."

Later on in the film, something technical happened

and he needed to fix it with tools.

I leant over to my husband and went, "You should get a tool belt."

He went, "Would you like that?" I was like, "I think I would."

He was like, "Maybe I'll get a tool belt then."

And then I entirely forgot my train of thought

and I went, "Ooh, then you could do that big list of jobs I've got."

(LAUGHTER)

I think that's my ideal porn film. Just the fixing, not the fucking.

Just the fixing, not the fucking.

I'd love to watch one where he fixes the washing machine and then just leaves

- cos he's got another job on. - (LAUGHTER)

Washing machine works for years and years and years.

00h, you bugger!

(LAUGHTER)

Just the fixing, not the fucking, that's what I want.

That's what Jimmy Savile should have stuck with as well, but anyway.

(SHOCKED LAUGHTER)

That's a great reaction.

You laughed and you clapped and you oohed all at the same time.

That's very impressive, well done.

But I think when you've been in a couple for a while, you do develop shorthand.

Code for things that you guys would understand within your couple

but maybe others wouldn't.

I'll give you an example. A lot of couples seem to me to have a shorthand

for letting their partner know that they fancy some sex that night.

Before I start the tour, I do a series of previews

where I try out my stories in front of a much smaller crowd.

And at one of those previews, I asked the audience.

I said, “How do you let your partner know you fancy some sex?“

A lady shouted out, "I just flash my arse as I leave the room."

- (LAUGHTER) - Whoa-hoe'.!

Her husband's like, "Ooh, I'm on."

(LAUGHTER)

Another preview I asked, “How do you let your partner know you fancy sex?“

A man went, "I put the dog in the crate."

(LAUGHTER)

- I said, "Is that a euphemism?" - (LAUGHTER)

He said, "No, I put an actual dog in an actual crate."

I said, "When do you let the dog back out the crate?

- He said, "When we're finished." - (LAUGHTER)

I said, "Does it not bother you that not only does the dog know

what you're doing, the dog knows how long it's taking?"

(LAUGHTER)

I told this to one of my friends and she said, "It's the same in our house."

I said, “Really?“ She said, “Actually, no, when we start having sex

- the dog puts himself in the crate." - (LAUGHTER)

Tries to shut the little gate with his hands.

Blanket over his head. Fucking headphones on.

But if you don't have a shorthand for fancy a shag and you'd like one,

you can use what we do, I don't mind if you copy us.

What we do, say we're watching a film at home,

I'll say something really sexual to get his attention.

And then I'll say, "Anyway, back to the film."

Works a treat. I've got two examples.

Use them at your will. They both work very, very well.

Example number one.

"Wowzers, my tits are massive.

Anyway, back to the film."

- (LAUGHTER) - Works every single time.

Example number two. "Jesus, my fanny feels empty.

Anyway, back to the film."

(LAUGHTER)

I didn't say they were subtle but they work a fucking treat.

We've still not seen the end of Jurassic World.

(LAUGHTER)

My final preview before I started the tour properly,

I told the story about the man and the dog and the crate

cos I thought it was funny.

And a man in the middle gave me a wave. I said, "What's going on here?"

He said, "That was me." They'd come to see the show again

and I told their story within the show.

And his wife was sitting behind him like this. "Oh, my God."

(LAUGHTER)

He said, "Don't mind her, she always gets embarrassed when I talk to you."

I said, "Why are you doing it again?" He said, "She got her own back."

I said, "Really?" He said, "Put it this way, after your show,

the dog didn't see the inside of the crate for nearly a week!"

(LAUGHTER)

But when you're working out what your shorthand for fancy a shag might be,

you need to know that they don't all work.

We were lying in bed a few months ago, it was late, both very tired.

But for whatever reason, my husband couldn't sleep, he was wide awake.

So I said to him in the dark, in my most coquettish voice,

I said, "ls there anything I can do...

that might help you fall asleep?"

And he said, "Oh, yes, you could be quiet."

(LAUGHTER)

My husband isn't great at giving compliments

and I love a compliment, so what we do is I kind of tee them up for him

and he tries his best.

(LAUGHTER)

I was in the shower and my husband came in the bathroom to brush his teeth.

I thought, "I'll tee up a compliment."

We don't go to the toilet in front of each other.

We're saving that for retirement.

(LAUGHTER)

But he came in the bathroom to brush his teeth.

I thought I'd tee up a compliment and I said to him, "Have I got a good arse?"

My husband is not the son of man who can quickly say yes or no.

He's a very methodical man, he's a very logical man.

He had to what he would call "verify the data".

(LAUGHTER)

So he had a proper look at my arse and then he said, "Yes, you have."

I said, "Thanks." He said, "Big fan." I said, "I didn't ask about that."

(LAUGHTER)

I was once shaving my legs in the bath.

When I say shaving my legs, you know I mean everything else as well?

Yes, good. Normally just start at my toes and keep going.

- (LAUGHTER) - Ooh!

(GRUNTS) Ooh!

(LAUGHTER)

And I cut my toe shaving.

If you're under 40, you probably think that's disgusting.

If you're over 40, you know it's a fact of fucking life.

(LAUGHTER)

I went downstairs and I told my husband that I'd cut myself shaving

and he genuinely looked at my face.

(LAUGHTER)

We've got an app on our phones called Find Friends.

If you don't know what Find Friends is,

it's an app where you can sync with each other, check each other are all right.

I've synched up with my husband. I don't think he uses it much.

I said, "Have you noticed it wasn't really working and now it is?"

He said, "What's that?" I said, "Find Friends."

He said, "I don't know what that is."

I described it to him, just like I did to you guys.

He said, "Yeah, I don't really look at that."

I said, "Do you never sometimes wonder if I'm all right?"

- And he went, "Nope." - (LAUGHTER)

I thought, "I wonder what it would take."

Would it be like a big pile of dishes? He'd be like, "Hold on, I had a wife."

(LAUGHTER)

Or he'd ring the police and say, "My sock drawer is empty.

I think my wife is missing."

(LAUGHTER)

The police would say, "Can you give us a description?"

He'd say, “They're all black apart from one pair with Daleks on.“

(LAUGHTER)

I think when you've been together a while,

people give you suggestions on how to spice up your sex life.

Different ways you can spice up your sex life.

It always occurs to me that there's shopping involved.

Anything from an unmarked jiffy bag through your letter box

all the way to a trolley around B&Q.

And then you've gotta get a handyman out who can fit the hooks to the ceiling.

There's so much work involved and I just can't be arsed.

And that's another thing off the list as well.

(LAUGHTER)

Good, about a third of you got that.

But the rest of you, I don't take it up the shitter.

(LAUGHTER)

With my IBS, there's just too much traffic going in the other direction.

(LAUGHTER)

Don't know if you've tried to pull out at a busy junction,

but it's a bit like that.

(LAUGHTER)

We did find a really easy way to spice up our sex life.

If you're lazy like us, this might appeal to you as well.

What we do every now and again,

we just swap sides in bed, that's all we do. We swap sides.

The first time we did it, I was like, "Ooh, it's like we're on holiday!"

(LAUGHTER)

But I think I must have been spanked a lot as a child

cos I can't make it sexy as an adult, no matter how much I try.

I just keep saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

(LAUGHTER)

Luckily my husband finds apologies a massive turn-on

and he just makes me go and sit on the naughty cock.

(LAUGHTER)

I er... I was in London quite recently for work.

I had a couple of hours spare and I thought I'm going to do some shopping.

I'd only recently bought myself my very first hoodie.

It's so comfy and cosy, I thought "I'll treat myself to another.

I'll just get the same one again but in a different colour."

I was on the phone to my husband anyway.

I thought I'll get him to check what size my current hoodie is.

He said, "No problem, where is it?"

I said, "It's on the chair in the bedroom."

So I'm chatting away as he goes up the stairs

and he said, "Is it the blue one?"

I said, "Yeah." He said, "What do you need from me again?"

I said, "Just read the label. I just wanna know what size it is."

There was a little pause and he went, "Fat Face."

(LAUGHTER)

He genuinely thought that was a size.

(LAUGHTER)

Like somewhere there's a shop where the sizes are small face, big face,

fat face, fucking huge face.

(LAUGHTER)

I was in hospital last year.

Not for very long, not for anything serious.

They gave me one of those gowns that doesn't quite shut at the back.

And then she said, "The next thing we need from you is a urine sample."

Give us a whoo if you've ever given a urine sample.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)

Give us a whoo those of you who are women.

- (WOMEN WHOOP) - It's tricky, isn't it? It's tricky.

She gave me a bottle with a neck like that.

(LAUGHTER)

I thought, "I'll wait till she brings the funnel."

(LAUGHTER)

No funnel came and I thought, "How am I supposed to hit that with my twin jets?"

(LAUGHTER)

I don't want to tell you too much about me down there

but suffice to say it's not a '70s bush, by any means.

But it's also not child bald.

Put it this way, there's just enough hair to put a paedophile off.

(LAUGHTER)

But it still made this quite tricky, so I put it in position.

I stafled my wee. Wee came out of a different area.

(LAUGHTER)

I stopped my wee. I moved it to that area.

I stafled my wee again. Wee came out of a third area.

(LAUGHTER)

It was like somebody was pouring juice through a hedge.

(LAUGHTER)

I felt a little bit like I was on The Cube.

(LAUGHTER)

Then she said, "We need to know what size you are for the stockings."

You know, those DVT tights that they put on after you've had surgery.

I said, "OK." She came along with a variety of sizes.

She stafled with a size small.

I thought, "Ooh, somebody's got time to kill!"

(LAUGHTER)

I'd have stafled on a large personally, but I tried the smaller and they fit.

They fit. I'm a small in hospital.

I must have had such an odd expression on my face

cos she said, "Are you all right?"

I just went, "Why aren't you a shop?"

(LAUGHTER)

Then she gave me the paper knickers they make you wear.

My husband said, "I find them quite sexy." I said, "Do you? Why?"

He said, "I think I could rip them off."

(LAUGHTER)

Just so you know, if you do a fad in them, same thing happens.

(LAUGHTER)

We went on holiday last year. My husband and I went to New York.

Did a lot of walking around New York.

We developed a playful competition regarding our steps.

We don't have Fitbits. Just the apps on our phones we were using.

At the end of every day, we'd compare numbers.

Generally he'd done about 2,000 more steps than I had every single day.

I couldn't figure out why. We were spending all of our time together.

I was thinking, "What is he doing while I'm in the bath?

Standing outside the bathroom door doing this?"

The last night before we went home the following morning, it came to a head.

I said, "How many steps have you done?" He'd done 15,000 and something.

I'd done 13,000 and something.

I said, "I don't know why this is happening

but I don't like it and I don't think it's fair."

And as I was talking, he stafled to walk towards me.

I said, "Before you come here, will you get us a glass of water?"

He got us a glass of water then I said, "I think I've left my book over there."

Fuck, that's what it is, isn't it?

(LAUGHTER)

Two thousand bossy steps every single day.

While we were in New York, we saw a couple of shows.

One show, didn't know anything about it, just heard it was good.

If I'd known it was going to be as emotional a show as it turned out to be,

I wouldn't have worn quite so much eye make-up. Rookie mistake.

I'm a crier. I cry at loads of things.

I cried at this show basically from eight minutes into it until it finished.

But when it came to the interval, the queue for the ladies' loo was huge.

I said to my husband, "Save me getting in that queue, just check my face.

Check under my eyes. Have a look to see if there's anything needs fixing."

And again he can't just glance and glance away.

He had to start scanning from the top of my head.

It's like going out with the fucking Terminator. (MIMICS SCANNING NOISE)

He said, "It's all black under your eyes."

I thought, "Bloody mascara."

I remembered I had a compact mirror in my handbag.

I got it out and I had a look and my make-up was perfect.

What he'd spotted there was how old and tired I am!

(LAUGHTER)

We saw the end of Jurassic World that fucking night.

(LAUGHTER)

I've now got two compact mirrors in my handbag.

I've got that one and another one I bought relatively recently

from a garden centre. I love a garden centre.

You know the bit of a garden centre that's not garden?

It's just teapots and scarves and jam. Fucking love that bit.

I picked up a magnifying mirror

cos I thought it would be good for the old 'tache and beard situation.

The magnifying mirror is 12 times magnified. Twelve times!

It's like watching The fucking Blue Planet,

you can see them bursting into life! It's really quite beautiful.

Sol paid for the mirror, chucked it in my handbag, thought nothing more of it.

Can you guess which one I got out the next time I needed to look at my fanny?

- Can you guess? Can you guess? - (LAUGHTER)

It was huge! I couldn't work out if it looked like a horror film

or the best pudding I'd ever seen!

(LAUGHTER)

But obviously on tour you spend a lot of time in hotels.

You tend to watch whatevefs on the telly whatever time you get in.

Which is my way of saying that I've seen NakedAttraction.

Has anybody else seen NakedAttraction?

- AUDIENCE: Yes! - Thank God for that.

- I thought I'd fucking dreamt it. - (LAUGHTER)

If you haven't, I will explain it to you but you might not believe me.

NakedAttraction is a dating programme where the person choosing the date

chooses from various people who are naked in Perspex boxes

and revealed section by section from the bottom up.

Every time I've seen it, it's always been young people, 22, 24 at most.

I think, "What if they have older people on there?"

Older people need dates as well. Not very fair, not very diverse.

- Then I realised like that. - (CLICKS FINGERS)

lam 43. If I was on that programme, they'd open the bottom box,

it'd be like, "It's just supposed to be her legs

but you can see her tits as well."

(LAUGHTER)

With me, you'd be better off starting from the top.

Head, tits.

- Tits. - (LAUGHTER)

Tits.

- Tits, belly, fanny. - (LAUGHTER)

Feet.

I do like to go home as much as possible when I'm on tour.

It's really nice to sleep in your own bed, isn't it?

Afew months ago I woke up in my bed, I was kind of faffing on my phone

like we all tend to do when we wake up these days.

The dog was lying on one of my boobs.

When they're in a bra, it's tricky,

but when they're on the loose, it's like a big flat comfy dog bed for him.

So he's lying there, my husband was stafling to get his clothes on.

After a few minutes, the dog decided it was time to get up.

So he pushed himself up off my boob, pushed himself up,

with all of his might, and it really hurl,

so I made a noise, a noise of pain.

Unbeknownst to me, what was happening at exactly that same moment,

my husband was right in front of me,

naked, bending over to pick up a sock off the floor.

(LAUGHTER)

He thought I'd made that noise because I'd just seen his splayed arsehole.

(LAUGHTER)

The noise that I made was this.

- Urgh! - (LAUGHTER)

I said, “I would never make a noise like that at you. That's so hurtful.

I would never make a noise like that. I might do a face."

(LAUGHTER)

"Perhaps a small amount of quiet retching." (RETCHES)

- (LAUGHTER) - (RETCHES)

(RETCHES)

I---

I don't get the newspapers very much, which is a good thing,

cos I'm a very private person,

but a few months ago there was a story about me in the Irish Mirror.

Started in the Irish Mirror

and it moved across to all of the UK tabloids as well.

The story was this.

The story was that I'd been on a huge health kick

and had lost a dramatic amount of weight.

Now I can't see all your faces but the ones I can see down here,

you're right to have this expression on them.

- "Huh?" - (LAUGHTER)

I've not been on a health kick, I've not lost any weight.

In fact I'm fatter than I've ever been and I could not give less of a shit.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Thanks!

How they came to their conclusion, this story, if you like,

they found a photograph I was in, a son of group shot

that was taken at the end of a TV recording.

They compared that to a photograph a friend had taken of me

and they cross-referenced those two photographs with a third one

from my lnstagram account.

So the group shot was a photograph taken at the end of an episode

of Never Mind the Buzzcocks and I had my arm around Lethal Bizzle.

Now if you're over 20, just pretend I said David Essex.

- It doesn't matter who he was. - (LAUGHTER)

When you've got your arm round somebody, everything lifts up.

It's very unflattering. Of course, I don't get to OK that photograph.

The one they compared it to, the one a friend had taken of me, was nice.

Your friends take nice photos of you cos your friends like you

and also your friends don't mind if you take their phones off them

and delete all of the ones you fucking hate.

(LAUGHTER)

So they compare those two and they cross-reference them

with a third one from my lnstagram account, which was of some satsumas.

I shit you not, ladies and gentlemen, this is journalism today.

Now what I didn't like about it was the story wasn't "fat woman gets thin",

which is not news anyway,

the story was "fat woman gets better", and that boils my piss.

(LAUGHTER)

The idea that women are told by the media

that only one body shape is allowed and everything else is disgusting

and needs rectifying is something I quite frankly will not fucking tolerate.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Thanks.

If I'm on the telly and I stand beside any woman at all,

I feel huge, I feel like a wardrobe,

but if I wander round Asda, I blend in!

(LAUGHTER)

lfl stand beside any woman on the telly, say Amanda Holden, lovely woman,

if I stand beside Amanda Holden, she looks like my next meal.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, has my Deliveroo arrived? - (LAUGHTER)

Sorry, I didn't see you there, Amanda.

You shouldn't hold a plastic fork like that. It's confusing for people like me.

Or I pick up what I think is a crisp off the floor.

Turns out it's Kylie fucking Minogue!

(LAUGHTER)

She's gotta get to her show, guys, let's give her a hand.

- (BLOWS) - (LAUGHTER)

The thing is, I've got a belly. Give us a cheer if you've got a belly!

(CHEERING)

Some bellies might be bigger than mine, some might be smaller than mine.

Doesn't matter. What I don't understand is why I'm supposed to hate my belly.

I quite like my belly, it's full of things I love.

(LAUGHTER)

I do, I quite like it. Sometimes I rub it like this for comfort.

Now if this was pregnant, people would want to touch it, wouldn't they?

If this was pregnant, people would ask about the sex.

I'd say, "It's pretty much the same way you do it, just a bit more slappy."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

If this was pregnant, people would ask, "When's it due?"

I'd say, "It son of depends on what I've had for my tea."

(LAUGHTER)

"if it's bread, I'd stand well back if I were you."

To be fair, it was once scanned.

But that was by accident at a self-service checkout.

(LAUGHTER)

There's no mystery to it, there's no magic to it.

I've got a belly cos I like to eat food, it's really that straightforward.

Have you ever been in a restaurant and ordered one dessert and two spoons?

One dessert and two spoons, so you can get it in faster.

(LAUGHTER)

What I say to you, if you've got a belly, next time you see your belly,

maybe you're getting ready for bed after the show, maybe in the shower,

just give it a little comforting rub.

And just say to yourself, some people are beach body ready

and some of us are Christmas body ready.

(LAUGHTER)

I do worry about people who are beach body ready at Christmas.

Cos they're like, "Oh, God, I've just had a Matchmaker and I'm stuffed."

(LAUGHTER)

I'm like, "I've been training for this all year. Get out of my fucking way."

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

I do sometimes get myself in a bit of a tizzy about these things.

Do you ever start a conversation with your partner with the words,

"You know what?", and they know to shut the fuck up?

(LAUGHTER)

I had one of those very conversations

about this exact thing with my husband quite recently.

I said to him, "You know what? You know what?

When I'm on the telly, I feel like a fucking giant sometimes.

I feel like a fucking giant!"

I said, "I bet next time I'm on one of those chat shows

like Graham Norton or Jonathan Ross,

they'll have the Hollywood stars lined up on the sofa.

The teeny tiny Hollywood stars all lined up on the sofa.

Then when it's my turn to come out, they won't say my name.

No, they'll all just stand up and go, 'Fee fi f0 fum!'

And all their wine glasses will ripple like in Jurassic fucking Park.

I won't get to sit on that sofa. No.

They'll just open a window and it'll be my massive fucking eye."

(LAUGHTER)

My husband said, "That's not what I thought you were gonna say."

I said, "What did you think I was gonna say?"

He said, "I thought you were gonna say that when you sat on the sofa,

all the Hollywood stars went flying!"

(LAUGHTER)

My sister used to do massage

and she said, "Be careful of the rubbing you do."

I said, "Why?" She said, "Doing that can make you shit."

I said, "Maybe I haven't got IBS after all.

I'm just rubbing shits out of myself."

I do like to keep fit.

I went on the exercise bike, ooh, four years ago now.

(LAUGHTER)

Still fucking regular, fuck off.

My friend said, "You only need to do 20 minutes to get any benefits.

Set your kitchen timer, then you know when it's time to come off."

I said, "That's a great idea." So I set my kitchen timer to 20 minutes.

I got on the exercise bike.

The first thing I did when I got off was check what can I eat now?

That's what you do, isn't it?

Work out how many calories I've burnt off

and what that food is and if I can eat it.

Half a cashew, that's what I burnt off. Half a fucking cashew.

- (LAUGHTER) - I don't even like cashew nuts!

I mean, I still ate it, obviously.

(LAUGHTER)

Then my kitchen timer went off and I knew my biscuits were cooked. Smashing.

(LAUGHTER)

Afew months ago, I decided to treat myself to some posh shampoo.

Normally when I buy shampoo, I buy whatevefs on offer.

Three for two, two for one, nine for five, I'm not bothered.

I think shampoo is glorified washing-up liquid in a fancy bottle.

But this day, I decided to treat myself to some posh shampoo.

Went to a posh toiletry shop.

They had a wall of shampoo, so many different kinds.

I'm looking at the different kinds, they didn't have the kind that I wanted.

They never have the kind I want cos the kind I want doesn't exist.

The kind I want is a bottle of shampoo that just says "To clean your hair".

- That's all I want. - (LAUGHTER)

There are so many insults on bottles of shampoo these days.

So many personal questions. "Are you dry?"

(LAUGHTER)

Things are still going well but I'm not sure it's relevant, thanks for asking.

"Are you greasy?" Probablyjust had chips, so yes.

"Are you difficult to manage?" Abso-fucking-lutely I am.

(LAUGHTER)

The woman who worked in the shop kind of sidled up to me.

I thought this is why I don't normally go in posh shops like this.

Now I've got to have a fucking conversation.

They don't talk to you in Superdrug unless you're trying to nick stuff.

- (LAUGHTER) - Just so you know.

She sidled up to me and she said, "What do you struggle with?"

Looking back, I think she meant my hair.

(LAUGHTER)

But I just went, "Anxiety, my weight, and today, thrush."

(LAUGHTER)

She properly looked at my hair and said, "Do you struggle with your volume?"

All I said was I just want clean hair, that's all I said,

but I said it as loud as I could right into her fucking ear.

There's no problem with my volume, bitch.

(LAUGHTER)

In the same shop, they had something called home spray.

I asked the lady what home spray was. She explained it was air freshener.

I said, "OK." And then she said,

"ls there a room in your house that could do with smelling better?"

I said, "I've got IBS, love, all my rooms could do with smelling better."

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "What flavour?" She didn't like that. It's scent or smell.

I said, "What flavour would be good for a toilet then?"

She said orange and bergamot. Now I don't know what bergamot is

but now I've got the spray I know it smells of shit.

(LAUGHTER)

I bought the spray and subtly put it on the windowsill in our toilet.

Afew days later, I noticed my husband hadn't used it.

I said, "You haven't used the special spray."

He said, "What's the special spray for?"

I said, "It's for if you've made a bad smell."

He said, "Is that what I keep smelling?" I said, "What did you think it was?"

He said, "I just thought you had a fancy man."

I said, "Who just comes round when I've done a shit?"

(LAUGHTER)

- That is fucking niche, mate. - (LAUGHTER)

Generally I'm not a very girly girl

but I do like painting my toenails. That's a recent thing.

I used to find it quite problematic to paint my toenails.

Cos I've got a lot of stuff here, when I concertina my body together,

there's often still quite a gap to bridge.

So I found a really good way of doing it.

If you are similarly endowed, then listen up, this might be helpful to you.

I sit on a chair, I bring one leg up.

I put a boob either side of the leg.

(LAUGHTER)

Then I paint my toenails as fast as I can until I run out of breath.

(LAUGHTER)

But as I get older, I'm getting much better at using the word no.

I used to be rubbish at saying no.

I used to say yes all the time, yes to everything.

To the point where I felt like a doormat, felt like I was being used.

Then I went through a phase of saying yes but immediately regretting it.

Then I went through a phase of saying no but in a wishy-washy, namby-pamby way.

Now, if someone asks me to do something I don't want to do,

I just go like this. (DEEP VOICE) No.

My friend pointed out that my voice changes.

If I do want to do it I go, "That sounds great, thanks very much."

- lfl don't I go, "No." - (LAUGHTER)

No apology, no explanation. Just... No.

(LAUGHTER)

I made a list of some of the things I've said no to over the years.

First thing on my list.

I said no to opening a sexual health clinic on the Isle of Wight.

(LAUGHTER)

When I say opening, I mean cutting a ribbon,

- not getting planning permission. - (LAUGHTER)

I said no to a voioeover for an advert they thought I was perfect for.

I thought, “Let's see what you think I'm perfect for.“ It was an advert for soil.

(LAUGHTER)

All I can think is they Googled my name and it said I was very dirty.

They were like, “Yeah, she'll do that, she's dirty.

She's down to earth. She's probably got worms. Yep, yep, yep.“

(LAUGHTER)

This one's very straightforward. I say no to skinny jeans.

I find them very thrushy. Very straightforward, that one.

I say no to giving my email address to shop assistants. Have you had this?

The last time it happened I didn't say no, I said a different word.

I got to the till and the man at the till said,

"And your email address is..." And I said, "Irrelevant."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I say no to guinea pigs.

Don't say "ah". Someone said "ah". They're shit!

- (LAUGHTER) - They are budget rabbits at best.

Go on, spend another couple of pounds, treat yourself to some fucking ears.

(LAUGHTER)

Think about it, think about Watership Down.

If Watership Down was guinea pigs, you wouldn't cry at the end, would you?

You'd go like this. Mm-hm.

Nobody ever made a vibrator out of a guinea pig, did they?

(LAUGHTER)

You know why? Cos this bit's really important. That's why.

I say no to people in the street with clipboards.

There was a few people agreeing with that over there.

Unless they're outside a stationery shop and there's an offer on clipboards

cos I love stationery more than fucking life itself.

(LAUGHTER)

I say no to notebooks and aspirational signs

that say anything to do with dreams.

Make your dreams come true, make your dreams a reality.

Cos I always think, do you mean my actual dreams?

Like the ones I have in the night? You want me to make those come true?

- Are you sure? - (LAUGHTER)

You want me to find out where The Rock lives, go to his house,

wait till he gives me the kittens and take my top off? Is that what you want?

I say no to slates instead of plates. Have you had this?

You're in a nice restaurant and they bring dinner on a bit of fucking roof!

(LAUGHTER)

I was at the Edinburgh Fringe in August last year.

I was genuinely sewed a fry-up in a frying pan.

And because mornings aren't my best time,

I'm not at my most alert on a morning,

I ate it really quickly because I was worried they were waiting for the pan!

(LAUGHTER)

This next one's a bit controversial. Not everybody likes this one.

There's three to go, by the way.

I said no to a gig at the Queen's Jubilee

because I was picking up a kitten.

(LAUGHTER)

I'd had eight years of my life without any pets,

the longest I've ever gone, because of the lifestyle of my job,

then my husband and I realised we were finally in a position

where we could definitely look after a cat.

Our friend's cat had just had kittens so we locked a date in my diary

when that kitten could leave his mam and come and live with us.

It was locked in my diary,

and my agent, she said, "But it's the Queen's Jubilee."

And I said, "But it's a kitten."

(LAUGHTER)

She tried all ways to persuade me.

In the end I just said, "Look, I don't care how good her tits are.

- I'm not fucking going!" - (LAUGHTER)

Second to last one, I said no to someone shoving a Crunchie up my fanny.

(LAUGHTER)

I don't know when you last had a Crunchie. You might not remember.

The chocolate is very thin and would have fizzled off in no time...

(LAUGHTER)

...leaving very angular cinder toffee that would have hurt

(LAUGHTER)

And also, I don't do adverts anyway.

(LAUGHTER)

It wasn't even a Friday.

(LAUGHTER)

And the last one on my list, I say no to people driving up the closed lane

and cutting in. Do you know what I mean by this?

Yeah. We all see the sign at the same point, don't we?

The sign that says in 800 yards, this lane will close,

this lane will close and this lane will remain open.

Now, I like to consider myself a good driver.

I immediately stafl working my way to the lane that will remain open.

Some people, though, just drive to the front of the other lanes and cut in.

Now if this is me and this is you,

you better hope that your car is no bigger than a fucking pube.

(LAUGHTER)

Because that is the gap that I'm leaving between me and the car in front of me.

And that is very clearly a "no" action.

That driver must surely understand what's going on.

But I always want them to see my face saying "no" as well.

So I wait till they've sidled up. They do that, don't they?

They drive up alongside you, they glance across at you in your car,

in a slightly son of pleading way.

"Go on. Let me in. I'm only driving an Audi TT."

(LAUGHTER)

- "I'm just a cunt." - (LAUGHTER)

That is when I glance across at them and I go like this. No.

- (LAUGHTER) - No.

Just to make sure they definitely get the message, I do this. Arrrrrh!

(LAUGHTER)

When I buy knickers... That's where we're going now, kids.

(LAUGHTER)

When I buy knickers, I buy them from Marks and Spencer's

cos things are going quite well for me, and I buy a multi-pack of five.

Now the shape that I buy,

I don't buy the giant ones that I could tuck my tits into,

but equally don't buy the teeny tiny ones that I might lose.

(LAUGHTER)

You know those ones? You're getting ready for bed

and you're like, "I'm sure I put knickers on today."

(LAUGHTER)

My vagina appears to have eaten them.

(LAUGHTER)

I get the somewhere in the middle ones, and I get a multi-pack of five.

And I get the multi-coloured ones. Example.

The most recent pack I bought was an orange pair with white trim.

Love the colour orange. Awhite pair with orange trim.

I see what you've done. You've jazzed up a boring pair of knickers.

Orange and white stripe. Happy with those.

Navy blue with white spots. They're my favourites.

And there's a generic nana flowery pair that I do not find offensive.

My point is this. I think that Marks and Spencer's are missing a trick.

Why don't they do a period pack of knickers?

Pink, red, red, red, brown.

(LAUGHTER)

Or for those optimistic months,

pink, red, red, brown, red, fuck!

(LAUGHTER)

Obviously doing this for a living, I get home very late at night often.

I got home at two in the morning once and my husband was still up.

He said, "I've got something to show you in the bedroom."

I thought, "Ooh, I'm not in the mood. Let the dog out the crate."

(LAUGHTER)

Went into the bedroom, my husband switched on the big light

and, gesturing to the bed, he went like this.

(SING-SONG VOICE) Ta-da!

Ta-da!

He'd changed the bedding.

(LAUGHTER)

Ta-da!

You know in that way that some men want a badge

for something women do all the time.

The duvet cover he put on was a nice one, it's a white one that we have,

and it has a stripe of kind of reddish flowers and a stripe of bluish flowers.

It's really nice. The pillow cases he'd put on were mint green.

(LAUGHTER)

- (DEEP VOICE) No. - (LAUGHTER)

I said, "What have you done that for?" He said, "Done what?"

I said, "They don't match." He said, "It doesn't matter."

And I thought, "He's son of right, isn't he?"

Then I realised why it did matter and I said,

"When I change it again, if I haven't done all my washing,

I won't have all my sets."

And he went, "It's gonna be dark in a minute."

I thought, "His reasoning is really sound."

(LAUGHTER)

Even though it was two in the morning, I still made him change the pillow cases.

(LAUGHTER)

We got into bed straight afterwards.

My husband's a calm, easy-going, lovely man.

He just stafled to fall asleep. I couldn't, though, I was wide awake.

Because I was livid.

(LAUGHTER)

Even though it was all fixed, I was still fucking furious!

(LAUGHTER)

I said to him, "Can I say something?" He said, "Of course."

"You know when you hear on the news that in America a man has been stabbed

77 times in a frenzied attack by his wife?"

He said, "Yeah." I said, "I get it}.

(LAUGHTER)

Did the police check the pillow cases?

Did the police check to see if there was a teaspoon back in the drawer

that had been rinsed but not properly fucking washed?

(LAUGHTER)

Did the police check to see if there's a toilet roll balanced on the holder,

not slotted on the fucking thing?

(LAUGHTER)

My husband said, “Look, it's all sorted now. Why don't we get some sleep?“

I said, "I'm not sure I can."

He said, "Why not?" I said, "I'm wide awake."

So he said to me, in the dark,

in his most coquettish voice,

he said, "ls there anything I could do...

- (LAUGHTER) - ...that might help you fall asleep?"

I said, "Ooh, you could rub my button till I pass out."

(LAUGHTER)

"And do it fucking quietly."

(LAUGHTER)

"Ooh, you bugger!"

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I've got a new theory. See what you think of this.

I think this is a good theory.

My theory is that the older we get, the longer it takes us to go to bed.

So if you know somebody in their 80s and they go to bed at nine o'clock,

that's not what time she goes to bed, that's what time she starts her checks.

(LAUGHTER)

I have made a comprehensive list of everything I do before I go to bed.

You might have some of these things in common, let us see.

The first thing on my list, the first thing I do before I go to bed

is I empty the dog.

Now you might call it walking the dog

but it's pretty functional at that time of night.

I empty the dog.

Then I check the cats, we've got two house cats, I check they're all right.

And then if we've had it on, I'll turn the heating down.

Then I check that the conservatory doors that have never been opened are closed.

And I do that twice.

(LAUGHTER)

I apply ointments to various orifices.

I take my make-up off, I put my face cream on.

Sometimes I don't bother taking my make-up off, I just put my cream on top

and I wake up and I look like a shiny panda.

(LAUGHTER)

I swill the bath of earlier pubes.

(LAUGHTER)

- I do a poo. - (LAUGHTER)

I reapply the cream.

(LAUGHTER)

- I wash the finger. - (LAUGHTER)

I check the cooker that hasn't been on is off.

Sometimes, not always, but I might have a wank.

- (LAUGHTER) - Then I'll have my last wee

which if I've had a wank can take a bit longer cos my fanny is confused.

(LAUGHTER)

Do a fad.

I reapply the cream.

(LAUGHTER)

And finally I rub the finger on the inside of my nightie.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

It's a great reaction cos you're all like,

"That's disgusting. I do that as well."

(LAUGHTER)

You've been such a delight. Let me leave you with one final thing.

I was in the car and I had the radio on. A song came on by Little Mix.

I love Little Mix cos I love a good pop song.

That's what they're excellent at. They're excellent at pop songs.

But I also like them because I too like to dance in my knickers.

And that seems like a lot of their job as well.

The song that came on was very good but it was very breathy.

All of the lyrics were very breathy.

Everything they sang stafled with an "Ooh!" and ended with a "Ooh!"

It was very odd. I used to produce audio books for a living.

That's the son of thing we would have cut out in an edit cos it sounds weird.

But this was through the whole song. It was clearly intentional.

I thought maybe this is just what sexy is these days.

I'm in my 40s, how the fuck would I know?

So I kind of forgot about it and a few days later I was sitting at home,

on my own, watching the telly, it was about midnight.

My husband was working away and he rang me.

And in that split second it took me to answer the call,

I thought, "I'm gonna see if this works."

(LAUGHTER)

So I answered the phone and I said, "How's your day been, love?" (GASPS)

- Ooh! - (LAUGHTER)

There was a little pause and my husband said, "Are you in the bedroom?"

I thought, "Oh, my God, it's working, it's working!"

I said, "What made you say that, love? (GASPS) Ooh!"

He said, "Cos you sound like you've just gone up the stairs."

(LAUGHTER)

You've been so lovely, thank you very much for coming. Good night!

(CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Subtitles: BTI Studios

ENGLISH SDH