All language subtitles for Ricky Gervais Out Of England 2 - The Stand Up Special (Full show in 720p with English captions)
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1
00:00:05,286 --> 00:00:08,558
( Music playing )
( Cheering, applause )
2
00:00:11,076 --> 00:00:14,940
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen
, welcome to the stage
3
00:00:14,974 --> 00:00:17,745
creator of "The Office"
and "Extras,"
4
00:00:17,780 --> 00:00:20,652
writer, director,
actor,
5
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:23,692
producer,
philanthropist,
6
00:00:23,725 --> 00:00:25,561
winner of
three Golden Globes,
7
00:00:25,596 --> 00:00:29,201
two prime time Emmys
and seven BAFTAs,
8
00:00:29,234 --> 00:00:31,838
all the way from England,
9
00:00:31,873 --> 00:00:35,378
Mr. Ricky Gervais!
10
00:00:35,412 --> 00:00:37,481
( Cheering )
11
00:00:41,658 --> 00:00:43,627
Hello.
12
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,330
Hello.
13
00:00:46,451 --> 00:00:55,460
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
14
00:00:55,581 --> 00:00:58,719
( music ends )
15
00:00:58,753 --> 00:01:01,523
Thank you.
Hello, Chicago.
16
00:01:01,557 --> 00:01:04,293
How are you?
Wow wow.
17
00:01:04,328 --> 00:01:06,664
( Cheering, applause )
18
00:01:06,697 --> 00:01:08,465
Thank you so much.
19
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:10,804
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
20
00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:13,439
I, um...
Thank you. Thank you.
21
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:14,942
That was an amazing welcome.
22
00:01:14,977 --> 00:01:17,146
I should explain something
straightaway.
23
00:01:17,180 --> 00:01:20,317
Usually when I come out
onstage, it's amazing, okay?
24
00:01:20,352 --> 00:01:22,822
I'm doing cartwheels
and backflips.
25
00:01:22,856 --> 00:01:25,391
It's fucking spectacular,
right?
26
00:01:25,427 --> 00:01:27,864
But I've hurt my back.
That's true actually.
27
00:01:27,897 --> 00:01:29,899
I've pulled a muscle in
my spine playing golf.
28
00:01:29,933 --> 00:01:31,301
I know what you're thinking...
29
00:01:31,334 --> 00:01:33,268
Serves me right for playing
such a stupid game as golf.
30
00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,269
But no, I've been in agony.
31
00:01:35,302 --> 00:01:38,436
I'm actually on painkillers right now,
so... No, it's true.
32
00:01:38,471 --> 00:01:42,906
If I suddenly start talking like
Paula Abdul, you'll know why.
33
00:01:42,939 --> 00:01:45,140
I'm not drunk.
34
00:01:45,174 --> 00:01:47,508
So when the doctor...
This is true.
35
00:01:47,543 --> 00:01:49,276
When the doctor gave me
the painkillers,
36
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,811
he said, "Now, you can't
drink alcohol with these."
37
00:01:51,846 --> 00:01:54,180
And I went, "I don't
want them then."
38
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:57,015
And he went, "What?"
39
00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:59,984
I said, "Give me something
you can drink alcohol with."
40
00:02:00,019 --> 00:02:03,655
And he went, "Well, you're not meant
to drink with any painkillers."
41
00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:05,455
"Who are you,
my fucking mother?
42
00:02:05,490 --> 00:02:07,025
Just..."
43
00:02:07,058 --> 00:02:10,061
So I've been walking round
like the elephant man for days,
44
00:02:10,094 --> 00:02:12,963
but without the big cock
obviously.
45
00:02:12,997 --> 00:02:15,899
I assume he had a big elephant's
cock to match the head.
46
00:02:15,933 --> 00:02:17,734
That would make things
all right then, wouldn't it?
47
00:02:17,769 --> 00:02:19,436
That would sort of
balance it out,
48
00:02:19,471 --> 00:02:21,471
because then he'd look in the
mirror and he'd sort of go,
49
00:02:21,506 --> 00:02:23,438
( muttering )
"Oh no.
50
00:02:23,473 --> 00:02:26,341
Oh look at that fucking head.
51
00:02:26,376 --> 00:02:28,176
Hold on, though.
What's going on down here?"
52
00:02:28,210 --> 00:02:30,076
Like, "Hey!"
53
00:02:30,111 --> 00:02:31,544
Swings it round about.
54
00:02:31,579 --> 00:02:35,448
"So let's celebrate.
The buns are on me."
55
00:02:35,481 --> 00:02:37,751
So yeah, that's my problems.
56
00:02:37,784 --> 00:02:39,217
I didn't cancel though.
57
00:02:39,252 --> 00:02:41,053
Don't you hate that,
when a night is canceled?
58
00:02:41,087 --> 00:02:43,955
You turn up, it goes, "Concert
canceled due to sore throat."
59
00:02:43,991 --> 00:02:46,759
Aw. Or "I couldn't go on.
I was depressed."
60
00:02:46,793 --> 00:02:48,627
Aw, poor little artist.
61
00:02:48,661 --> 00:02:50,861
Can you imagine
the laborer trying that?
62
00:02:50,895 --> 00:02:53,131
Turning up and going, "I've got a
little tickle and I'm fed up."
63
00:02:53,164 --> 00:02:56,266
Aw, move
the fucking bricks, mate.
64
00:02:57,269 --> 00:02:58,801
Never cancel.
65
00:02:58,836 --> 00:03:02,506
I had a gig in Dublin
a couple of months ago, okay?
66
00:03:02,540 --> 00:03:04,608
- And as you know, Dublin is in Ireland...
-
( Applause )
67
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:07,610
Which is off of...
Yeah, it's off the coast of Great Britain.
68
00:03:07,645 --> 00:03:09,680
It's not part of Britain,
but it's very close.
69
00:03:09,713 --> 00:03:12,014
It's sort of like
our Cuba, I suppose.
70
00:03:12,050 --> 00:03:14,117
It's like...
71
00:03:14,151 --> 00:03:15,817
Man:
Ouch!
72
00:03:15,852 --> 00:03:18,618
( Laughs )
73
00:03:18,652 --> 00:03:22,222
And... and so...
74
00:03:22,257 --> 00:03:26,292
Okay, so Dublin, O2 arena,
75
00:03:26,326 --> 00:03:29,360
10,000 seats sold out
well in advance,
76
00:03:29,395 --> 00:03:31,830
flights booked,
really looking forward to it.
77
00:03:31,865 --> 00:03:33,566
A few days before the gig,
78
00:03:33,599 --> 00:03:35,567
they start grounding
the airplanes
79
00:03:35,602 --> 00:03:38,802
because there's a volcanic ash
cloud over Britain, okay?
80
00:03:38,837 --> 00:03:40,437
And if you fly through it,
apparently,
81
00:03:40,472 --> 00:03:42,072
it would make the plane
fall out of the sky.
82
00:03:42,105 --> 00:03:44,106
And it was like that was it.
You couldn't fly in that.
83
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,977
I mean, a volcano goes off
in Iceland and we can't...
84
00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:50,311
What's the point
of Iceland, really?
85
00:03:50,346 --> 00:03:52,379
You know what I mean?
What are they think...
86
00:03:52,414 --> 00:03:56,082
Just fill in all the volcanoes
with concrete, okay?
87
00:03:56,117 --> 00:03:58,551
Just...
In fact, tarmac the whole country
88
00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:00,487
and make it a car park
for real Europe,
89
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:04,021
because it's a waste
of fucking space, okay?
90
00:04:04,056 --> 00:04:08,225
And so I'm thinking,
"Well, I've gotta get there.
91
00:04:08,260 --> 00:04:09,861
I can't cancel."
92
00:04:09,895 --> 00:04:12,829
And there were pop stars and
people coming over from America,
93
00:04:12,865 --> 00:04:15,532
and they were canceling their flight
because they couldn't get in and out.
94
00:04:15,566 --> 00:04:16,733
I thought, "I can't."
95
00:04:16,766 --> 00:04:20,168
So I hired a helicopter
to and from Dublin.
96
00:04:20,202 --> 00:04:23,303
It cost me £12,000, right.
97
00:04:23,338 --> 00:04:25,605
Just because I couldn't bear
to let anyone down
98
00:04:25,639 --> 00:04:27,206
or take the ferry.
99
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,407
That was...
100
00:04:30,843 --> 00:04:32,776
They were still running, sure.
101
00:04:32,812 --> 00:04:35,913
But that would have meant
mixing with the general public,
102
00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:37,614
and I don't...
103
00:04:37,649 --> 00:04:39,848
This is about as close
as I ever... you know.
104
00:04:39,884 --> 00:04:42,786
So...
105
00:04:42,819 --> 00:04:45,387
I don't know if you were affected
by the volcanic ash cloud,
106
00:04:45,422 --> 00:04:48,088
but I had friends that were
stuck all over the world.
107
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:49,956
And they missed weddings
and funerals,
108
00:04:49,992 --> 00:04:52,027
and they had to
put themselves up in a hotel
109
00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:54,427
for extra days
they hadn't budgeted for.
110
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:57,096
And they couldn't get their money back
because the airlines were saying,
111
00:04:57,130 --> 00:05:00,432
"No, we can't pay you because the
insurance companies won't pay us,
112
00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:02,534
because they're saying
it's an act of God."
113
00:05:02,569 --> 00:05:06,305
Well, what isn't an act of God?
114
00:05:06,338 --> 00:05:08,473
Look, if you believe in God,
115
00:05:08,507 --> 00:05:11,108
that's sort of a definition
of him, isn't it?
116
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:14,346
That he does everything.
Isn't that right?
117
00:05:14,379 --> 00:05:16,514
Everything is an act of him.
118
00:05:16,548 --> 00:05:19,082
He's all-powerful.
He's everywhere at once.
119
00:05:19,117 --> 00:05:20,918
He invented every...
There was nothing before him.
120
00:05:20,951 --> 00:05:24,153
He invented time, everything.
He's across it all.
121
00:05:24,189 --> 00:05:26,323
He doesn't miss a trick
and he's not absent-minded.
122
00:05:26,357 --> 00:05:29,358
A volcano going off isn't like him
going, "Fuck, I left the oven on."
123
00:05:29,391 --> 00:05:31,125
You know, it's...
124
00:05:34,764 --> 00:05:36,464
And who are these
insurance companies
125
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:38,600
that can decide what is
and isn't an act of God?
126
00:05:38,636 --> 00:05:39,802
How do they know?
127
00:05:39,836 --> 00:05:41,803
Have they got a hotline to God?
128
00:05:41,838 --> 00:05:43,305
They call him up, do they?
129
00:05:43,339 --> 00:05:44,839
Ring ring.
Ring ring.
130
00:05:44,874 --> 00:05:46,441
"Yello?"
131
00:05:46,475 --> 00:05:48,076
"Uh, can I speak
to God, please?"
132
00:05:48,110 --> 00:05:49,843
"Speaking."
133
00:05:49,877 --> 00:05:53,945
"Oh, I didn't think you'd
answer the phone yourself."
134
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:55,880
"What do you want?"
135
00:05:55,915 --> 00:06:00,384
"Oh, um, that volcanic ash cloud...
Was that you?"
136
00:06:00,418 --> 00:06:02,353
"Yeah yeah.
137
00:06:02,387 --> 00:06:04,853
Yes, that was
an act of me, all right."
138
00:06:04,889 --> 00:06:06,322
"So I shouldn't pay out?"
139
00:06:06,357 --> 00:06:09,024
"No, don't fucking pay 'em
a penny, son, no."
140
00:06:09,059 --> 00:06:11,126
"Brilliant brilliant.
While I've got you here,
141
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,962
did you make a tree fall
on Steve Baxter's car?"
142
00:06:14,995 --> 00:06:16,763
"There's a lot
of Steve Baxters."
143
00:06:16,798 --> 00:06:20,500
"Steve Baxter, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow.
144
00:06:20,533 --> 00:06:24,002
It happened at 2:15 on the
3rd of June this year."
145
00:06:24,036 --> 00:06:28,439
"2:15, 3rd of...
No, that wasn't me.
146
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:31,610
I was in Africa that day
giving AIDS to babies."
147
00:06:39,783 --> 00:06:42,620
He does everything.
He does everything.
148
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,956
Mm, I don't make the rules.
149
00:06:45,990 --> 00:06:49,593
And well, I'm glad I didn't cancel
150
00:06:49,627 --> 00:06:52,697
because it's fantastic to be here
seeing your happy smiley faces,
151
00:06:52,732 --> 00:06:54,165
probably feeling very fortunate
152
00:06:54,199 --> 00:06:56,366
that you managed to get a
ticket to see a living legend.
153
00:06:56,401 --> 00:06:58,834
- Or am I...
-
( Cheering, applause )
154
00:06:58,869 --> 00:07:01,369
Shut up.
155
00:07:03,872 --> 00:07:07,007
I know, I know.
You lucky fuckers.
156
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,543
You really... I'm joking, of course.
The pleasure is all mine.
157
00:07:10,577 --> 00:07:12,044
Thank you so much
for coming out,
158
00:07:12,079 --> 00:07:13,579
spending your
hard-earned cash.
159
00:07:13,613 --> 00:07:15,414
I know there's been
a recession on.
160
00:07:15,449 --> 00:07:18,819
Someone told me.
I hadn't really...
161
00:07:18,853 --> 00:07:20,320
Is it still...
I don't...
162
00:07:20,355 --> 00:07:24,591
It really didn't affect me
if I'm being honest.
163
00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:26,225
Oh dear.
164
00:07:26,259 --> 00:07:29,627
We can laugh about it now.
No, come on.
165
00:07:29,661 --> 00:07:31,295
I don't understand
the recession.
166
00:07:31,329 --> 00:07:33,296
It wasn't till last year
I found out
167
00:07:33,331 --> 00:07:35,331
you could go
into your bank and say,
168
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:37,266
"Can I withdraw
my cash?"
169
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:40,502
And they could go, "No."
"What?"
170
00:07:40,536 --> 00:07:43,604
( Weaselly voice )
"No, we ain't got it."
171
00:07:43,639 --> 00:07:45,339
"I've got £50,000 saved."
172
00:07:45,374 --> 00:07:47,941
( Laughs )
"You ain't. You ain't."
173
00:07:47,975 --> 00:07:51,810
"Where is it?"
"Lost it."
174
00:07:51,845 --> 00:07:53,512
"Well, have you checked
the vault?"
175
00:07:53,545 --> 00:07:56,447
"It's empty."
"Well, what was the point of that?
176
00:07:56,482 --> 00:07:59,383
You might as well have kept it in a
drawer, you spotty little twat."
177
00:07:59,416 --> 00:08:00,849
I don't...
178
00:08:00,884 --> 00:08:02,252
I hope you enjoy the show.
179
00:08:02,286 --> 00:08:03,752
Or you'll let me know,
won't you?
180
00:08:03,786 --> 00:08:06,954
If I say something funny,
you'll laugh and I'll go,
181
00:08:06,988 --> 00:08:09,289
"Oh, I'll keep that in
for the rest of the tour."
182
00:08:09,324 --> 00:08:10,990
If I say something that isn't
funny, you won't laugh
183
00:08:11,026 --> 00:08:12,492
and I'll go,
"I'll lose that bit."
184
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,427
So some bits tonight
will be exclusive to you.
185
00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:19,533
They... they will be
the shit bits, granted.
186
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:21,834
Okay, let's start the show.
Let's get on with it.
187
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:24,004
No one wants to be here
all night.
188
00:08:24,038 --> 00:08:26,271
You can have too much
of a good thing, can't you?
189
00:08:26,307 --> 00:08:29,809
Like heroin.
What?
190
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:33,010
Though too much heroin
is death, basically.
191
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,679
That's when you know
you've had too...
192
00:08:34,712 --> 00:08:39,115
You go, "Fuck, I'm dead.
I'm fucked."
193
00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:40,984
That's the thing though
with heroin.
194
00:08:41,019 --> 00:08:43,854
Try anything once, kids,
sure, but know this.
195
00:08:43,888 --> 00:08:45,489
No no.
196
00:08:45,523 --> 00:08:47,257
You think, "I'll try a heroin.
197
00:08:47,292 --> 00:08:49,192
I'll just try one.
Give me... give me a heroin.
198
00:08:49,226 --> 00:08:50,994
Give me one heroin, okay?"
199
00:08:51,028 --> 00:08:52,662
Just have one.
"What's it like?"
200
00:08:52,697 --> 00:08:54,129
"It's fuckin' lovely.
201
00:08:54,164 --> 00:08:55,564
I want more.
I can't just have..."
202
00:08:55,599 --> 00:08:56,866
It's like Pringles.
203
00:08:56,899 --> 00:09:00,668
It's like once you pop,
you can't stop.
204
00:09:00,702 --> 00:09:03,804
That's... I think that's how it works.
I'm not an expert.
205
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,841
Believe it or not, I've
never been a heroin addict.
206
00:09:06,875 --> 00:09:08,743
No round of applause for that?
207
00:09:08,777 --> 00:09:11,076
See? No.
See?
208
00:09:11,111 --> 00:09:13,645
No round of applause for never
having been a heroin addict.
209
00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:15,480
If I'd have come out here
and go, "I used to be a heroin addict...
210
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:18,850
I used to mug people and
shit myself in doorways..."
211
00:09:18,884 --> 00:09:21,818
-
( Cheering, applause )
- Exactly. "Oh yeah!
212
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:24,655
He... he hasn't done
those things for a while.
213
00:09:24,688 --> 00:09:26,189
He hasn't done those things
214
00:09:26,224 --> 00:09:27,691
that we never did
in the first place."
215
00:09:27,725 --> 00:09:29,659
Why are you applauding someone
for suddenly acting
216
00:09:29,693 --> 00:09:31,294
like a normal member
of society?
217
00:09:31,328 --> 00:09:33,328
It's like I've lost
a bit of weight.
218
00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:34,829
I've lost about 20 lbs.
Exactly!
219
00:09:34,864 --> 00:09:37,598
-
( Cheering, applause )
- What? No no.
220
00:09:37,631 --> 00:09:39,899
You're basically applauding me
221
00:09:39,933 --> 00:09:42,769
for only eating
as much as I need now.
222
00:09:42,803 --> 00:09:46,072
I should have... I should have
always been doing that.
223
00:09:46,106 --> 00:09:49,175
I got fat because I was
a greedy, lazy bastard.
224
00:09:49,211 --> 00:09:52,879
There's no other explan...
and I needed people to...
225
00:09:52,914 --> 00:09:55,982
They come up to me now and they go,
"Oh, well done. You look great."
226
00:09:56,017 --> 00:09:57,985
But they weren't telling me
I looked terrible.
227
00:09:58,019 --> 00:09:59,852
They're basically saying
I looked terrible,
228
00:09:59,888 --> 00:10:01,822
but no one told me at the time.
It was really taboo.
229
00:10:01,856 --> 00:10:03,557
I needed waiters
to come over and go,
230
00:10:03,591 --> 00:10:05,992
"Fuck off.
You've had enough."
231
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,394
And I've been criticized
in the past
232
00:10:09,429 --> 00:10:10,896
for having a go at fat people.
233
00:10:10,931 --> 00:10:13,098
I've never had
a go at fat people.
234
00:10:13,099 --> 00:10:16,901
I've only ever pointed out
the fact that you get fat
235
00:10:16,936 --> 00:10:19,036
if you take in more calories
than you burn off..
236
00:10:19,070 --> 00:10:20,504
That's simple science.
237
00:10:20,538 --> 00:10:22,471
I don't judge them in any
other aspect of their life.
238
00:10:22,505 --> 00:10:25,341
But that's what happens...
You get fat if you take in
239
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,909
more calories
than you burn off.
240
00:10:27,943 --> 00:10:30,711
That's indisputable, okay?
241
00:10:30,745 --> 00:10:33,646
Now the thing is people think
I'm having a go.
242
00:10:33,682 --> 00:10:35,615
I'm not because
I don't judge them.
243
00:10:35,649 --> 00:10:37,949
If I see a fat person, I don't
make assumptions about them
244
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:39,217
other than how they got fat.
245
00:10:39,251 --> 00:10:40,818
And, this is the other thing,
246
00:10:40,854 --> 00:10:43,788
they...
No, wait wait.
247
00:10:43,822 --> 00:10:45,623
Not only is that
what makes you fat...
248
00:10:45,657 --> 00:10:47,490
People know that's what's
making them fat.
249
00:10:47,524 --> 00:10:51,293
No one got fat
behind their own back.
250
00:10:51,326 --> 00:10:55,129
No one ate and then went,
"What the fuck's that?"
251
00:10:55,163 --> 00:10:57,597
It's not a surprise.
It's a gradual process.
252
00:10:57,631 --> 00:10:59,231
You have loads of time
to back out
253
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:01,701
from this project at any...
254
00:11:01,735 --> 00:11:04,104
Also, no one's sneaking
into thin people's apartments
255
00:11:04,139 --> 00:11:06,440
and then injecting their lettuce
with a million calories.
256
00:11:06,475 --> 00:11:09,076
That doesn't happen, okay?
They know what's doing...
257
00:11:09,110 --> 00:11:11,543
If you go to a bloke and he's surrounded
by cakes and pies
258
00:11:11,578 --> 00:11:14,279
and you go, "You know what's
making you fat, don't ya?"
259
00:11:14,313 --> 00:11:16,113
He doesn't go,
"Is it all the running?"
260
00:11:16,148 --> 00:11:18,216
He knows what...
261
00:11:19,918 --> 00:11:23,721
But I don't make judgments
other than how they got fat.
262
00:11:23,754 --> 00:11:25,623
If I see a fat person,
I don't go,
263
00:11:25,657 --> 00:11:30,127
"Oh, he's fat, therefore he's jolly,"
right?
264
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,595
A lot of them are miserable,
aren't they?
265
00:11:32,629 --> 00:11:36,265
If... if I see a fat girl,
I don't go,
266
00:11:36,299 --> 00:11:38,634
"Oh, she'd be pretty
if she lost weight."
267
00:11:38,668 --> 00:11:41,370
That's rarely the case.
268
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,743
So don't fall for that.
269
00:11:47,778 --> 00:11:49,245
A lot of them started eating
270
00:11:49,279 --> 00:11:52,347
because they had fuck all
to lose, so...
271
00:11:52,381 --> 00:11:54,316
No.
272
00:11:54,350 --> 00:11:56,519
But there's no stigma
attached because...
273
00:11:56,553 --> 00:11:58,786
People don't even want to use
the word "fat" now
274
00:11:58,822 --> 00:12:00,288
because they think
it's derogatory.
275
00:12:00,322 --> 00:12:02,490
It's a real taboo subject,
so they use euphemisms.
276
00:12:02,524 --> 00:12:07,293
They go, "Oh, you know Brenda,
the f-- big girl?"
277
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:10,129
"What, seven foot?"
"No no. Not tall."
278
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,865
"What does she look like?"
"Brenda... you know, she...
279
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:16,134
She's the one who's clammy
even in winter."
280
00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:19,069
Just say she's fat. Nothing wrong with it.
It's their choice.
281
00:12:19,104 --> 00:12:21,104
It's up to you if you wanna be fat.
But they don't.
282
00:12:21,139 --> 00:12:22,739
They go, "You know, Brenda...
283
00:12:22,773 --> 00:12:25,575
She's out of breath just standing up
at her desk."
284
00:12:25,609 --> 00:12:27,709
Just...
285
00:12:30,446 --> 00:12:33,848
But even though
it is their own fault...
286
00:12:33,881 --> 00:12:35,849
and it is their own fault...
287
00:12:35,884 --> 00:12:38,686
I feel sorry for them,
all right.
288
00:12:39,788 --> 00:12:42,422
No, I do,
particularly fat women,
289
00:12:42,456 --> 00:12:44,223
cause fat is a feminist issue.
290
00:12:44,258 --> 00:12:46,057
Men get fat and we just go, "Fuck it.
291
00:12:46,092 --> 00:12:48,894
All bought and paid for."
You know.
292
00:12:48,928 --> 00:12:51,563
We don't come under the same
constraints of society,
293
00:12:51,597 --> 00:12:55,399
whereas women are inundated with
images of how you should be...
294
00:12:55,434 --> 00:12:57,934
size 0 models, this diet,
that diet.
295
00:12:57,970 --> 00:12:59,570
Look like this.
Keep your man.
296
00:12:59,604 --> 00:13:01,437
And they make such an effort,
don't they, fat girls?
297
00:13:01,472 --> 00:13:02,938
They've always got lovely hair.
298
00:13:02,974 --> 00:13:04,706
Aren't they?
They're always having their hair done.
299
00:13:04,741 --> 00:13:06,675
They've got lovely hair.
Always got lovely hair.
300
00:13:06,710 --> 00:13:09,445
Always got those lovely
false nails, don't they?
301
00:13:09,479 --> 00:13:13,482
They make an effort.
Anything but jogging, right?
302
00:13:16,118 --> 00:13:18,785
They love high heels,
don't they?
303
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:21,221
They think it makes their legs look less...
It doesn't.
304
00:13:21,254 --> 00:13:23,154
It just...
305
00:13:23,190 --> 00:13:25,791
You can just hear them
coming now.
306
00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:32,196
I don't want any fat people to feel
uncomfortable at one of my gigs.
307
00:13:32,230 --> 00:13:34,096
So next time, buy two seats.
308
00:13:34,131 --> 00:13:36,698
I'm... I'm joking.
There's... I'm joking.
309
00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:39,099
Shut up.
310
00:13:39,134 --> 00:13:42,336
I'm not having a go; I'm just
pointing out, you know...
311
00:13:42,370 --> 00:13:45,404
I was listening to the radio
in England a few weeks back.
312
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,073
Radio 4, quite highbrow.
313
00:13:47,106 --> 00:13:49,073
There was a discussion
about political correctness.
314
00:13:49,107 --> 00:13:51,208
My name came up straightaway.
315
00:13:51,243 --> 00:13:53,911
And there was this woman
on there going,
316
00:13:53,945 --> 00:13:55,778
"Oh yeah, well, it's not right.
317
00:13:55,812 --> 00:13:58,447
Ricky Gervais, he makes jokes
about fat people.
318
00:13:58,481 --> 00:14:00,682
He wouldn't make jokes
about gay people, would he?
319
00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,918
And being fat
is like being gay."
320
00:14:02,951 --> 00:14:05,352
What? No it's not.
What?
321
00:14:05,388 --> 00:14:07,754
You can't choose
your sexuality.
322
00:14:07,789 --> 00:14:10,456
As we've established...
You choose whether to eat too much or not.
323
00:14:10,491 --> 00:14:13,226
You know, with your sexuality,
324
00:14:13,260 --> 00:14:15,427
you're born, you grow up,
325
00:14:15,461 --> 00:14:17,663
you discover you like
same-sex relationships,
326
00:14:17,697 --> 00:14:19,798
and that's it.
You're gay, okay?
327
00:14:19,833 --> 00:14:22,934
For being gay to be
the same as being fat,
328
00:14:22,970 --> 00:14:25,370
you'd have to be born,
be straight,
329
00:14:25,404 --> 00:14:27,038
grow up knowing
you're straight,
330
00:14:27,072 --> 00:14:30,741
but gradually and consciously
wean yourself onto cock.
331
00:14:36,981 --> 00:14:40,850
"Happy 16th birthday, son.
332
00:14:40,884 --> 00:14:43,819
This is Raoul.
333
00:14:43,855 --> 00:14:45,754
Suck his cock."
334
00:14:45,788 --> 00:14:47,155
"Sorry, father?"
335
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,358
"Suck his cock.
16 now. Suck his cock."
336
00:14:49,392 --> 00:14:50,826
"I... I'm heterosexual."
337
00:14:50,860 --> 00:14:53,128
"Oh, with his newfangled words.
338
00:14:53,162 --> 00:14:55,530
Suck his cock,
come on."
339
00:14:55,565 --> 00:14:57,299
"I... I don't
like cock, father."
340
00:14:57,332 --> 00:14:58,533
"'Doesn't like cock.'
341
00:14:58,567 --> 00:15:00,301
How would you know
if you've never tried it?
342
00:15:00,335 --> 00:15:03,003
Ah! Suck his cock."
343
00:15:03,037 --> 00:15:05,504
"I don't..."
"Suck one cock. Suck..."
344
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,971
"Ugh." "Well, that's not sucking it.
That's playing with it.
345
00:15:08,006 --> 00:15:10,206
Put it in your mouth.
Put it..."
346
00:15:10,241 --> 00:15:11,375
"Ugh. Oh."
347
00:15:11,408 --> 00:15:14,043
"Look, have a go.
You might like it."
348
00:15:14,077 --> 00:15:16,379
"Ugh."
"It's not so bad, is it?"
349
00:15:16,413 --> 00:15:20,216
"No, it's not.
I fucking love these!"
350
00:15:21,283 --> 00:15:22,884
If that happened,
then being gay
351
00:15:22,918 --> 00:15:24,418
would be the same as being fat.
352
00:15:24,452 --> 00:15:27,855
But it doesn't,
so it's not, okay?
353
00:15:29,125 --> 00:15:32,126
I was on a plane last year
354
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,762
going from New York
to L.A.
355
00:15:34,797 --> 00:15:38,099
And me and my girlfriend
were on one side of the plane.
356
00:15:38,134 --> 00:15:39,533
There was the aisle.
357
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:43,937
And the other side...
There were these two huge, fat men.
358
00:15:43,971 --> 00:15:45,704
Proper proper proper fat.
359
00:15:45,739 --> 00:15:48,139
One of them just got on and went,
"Can I have a belt extension?"
360
00:15:48,173 --> 00:15:49,841
"Yeah, of course you can.
You've earned it."
361
00:15:49,875 --> 00:15:53,211
So... proper...
362
00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:55,212
In fact, I was thinking
of calling the pilot out
363
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:57,447
and going, "Should one of us
swap with one of them?
364
00:15:57,481 --> 00:15:59,716
Otherwise we're just
going to Canada.
365
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:01,884
Do you know
what I mean?"
366
00:16:04,956 --> 00:16:08,592
And one of them was even
fatter than the other one.
367
00:16:08,628 --> 00:16:11,829
She was there and she'd
got on the plane
368
00:16:11,864 --> 00:16:15,498
with one of those take-away
buckets of fast food.
369
00:16:15,533 --> 00:16:16,966
Bucket!
370
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,333
I mean,
there's your first clue.
371
00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:19,535
When did that happen?
372
00:16:19,568 --> 00:16:20,935
When did fat people
just give up?
373
00:16:20,971 --> 00:16:23,205
When did they go into a shop
and go, "Oh, fuck it.
374
00:16:23,239 --> 00:16:24,873
Just treat me like
a farmyard animal."
375
00:16:24,908 --> 00:16:26,741
"Really?"
"Give me it in a bucket.
376
00:16:26,775 --> 00:16:30,144
In fact, just strap it to my fuckin' head
and I'll just..."
377
00:16:30,178 --> 00:16:32,679
"A bucket? Really?
378
00:16:32,715 --> 00:16:34,282
You want your meal
in a bucket?"
379
00:16:34,316 --> 00:16:35,950
"Yes."
380
00:16:35,984 --> 00:16:39,152
So she's there
and she's chowing down.
381
00:16:39,186 --> 00:16:43,322
And I swear she turns
to her fat friend and says,
382
00:16:43,356 --> 00:16:46,490
"This is the best fried chicken
I've had all day."
383
00:16:52,129 --> 00:16:53,964
But I'm not having a go.
I'm not having a go.
384
00:16:53,998 --> 00:16:57,434
No, I'm not.
No, I'm not.
385
00:16:57,467 --> 00:16:59,602
Because even though
it is their own fault...
386
00:16:59,636 --> 00:17:01,570
and it is their own fault...
387
00:17:01,605 --> 00:17:04,173
I don't know if you know this
about fat people...
388
00:17:04,209 --> 00:17:06,376
They fucking love cake.
389
00:17:06,411 --> 00:17:10,145
They love it.
They love it, right?
390
00:17:10,180 --> 00:17:12,948
And I blame
the food industries,
391
00:17:12,981 --> 00:17:15,049
because you go
into a supermarket
392
00:17:15,084 --> 00:17:16,685
and it's just packed
with that stuff.
393
00:17:16,719 --> 00:17:18,686
Everything's packed
with hydrogenated fats
394
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:20,821
and extra calories and sugar
395
00:17:20,855 --> 00:17:22,456
and butter and everything.
396
00:17:22,490 --> 00:17:24,190
And they...
they love that.
397
00:17:24,224 --> 00:17:27,358
And there's always a big door,
isn't there, to a supermarket.
398
00:17:27,393 --> 00:17:29,826
There's always a...
They've got a quadruple door, isn't it?
399
00:17:29,861 --> 00:17:33,998
No one's ever been too fat to get through
the door of a supermarket, okay?
400
00:17:34,031 --> 00:17:36,134
And it opens automatically,
so they don't have to
401
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:37,935
waste calories
pushing anything.
402
00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:40,071
There's just...
And it's a good job it opens automatically
403
00:17:40,105 --> 00:17:42,573
because usually it's glass and they
can see the pie from down the road
404
00:17:42,606 --> 00:17:44,740
and they're in like that.
405
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:47,578
Grazing, right?
406
00:17:47,612 --> 00:17:52,115
So I say keep the big door.
Keep the big door.
407
00:17:52,150 --> 00:17:54,785
Sure, keep the big door.
Come on, fat people. Come... In you go.
408
00:17:54,818 --> 00:17:57,753
But when they get in there,
it's all fresh fruit and veg.
409
00:17:57,788 --> 00:17:59,221
It's all whole grain.
410
00:17:59,257 --> 00:18:00,824
It's all stuff
that's good for you.
411
00:18:00,857 --> 00:18:02,392
Of course they'll
be confused at first.
412
00:18:02,426 --> 00:18:04,293
They'll go, "What?"
That's not real food to them.
413
00:18:04,327 --> 00:18:06,096
They think Brussels sprouts
is packaging.
414
00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:07,931
They're... they're looking...
415
00:18:07,964 --> 00:18:09,465
"Where's the cakes?
Where's the cakes?"
416
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:10,933
The cakes are over here.
417
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:13,570
The cakes are through
a different door,
418
00:18:13,604 --> 00:18:17,841
but this door
is human-sized.
419
00:18:17,875 --> 00:18:19,775
So now they'll go,
"There's the cakes."
420
00:18:19,809 --> 00:18:21,676
They're gonna...
"Oh fuck, I can't get in.
421
00:18:21,711 --> 00:18:24,680
I can't... I can't get
through the fuckin' door.
422
00:18:24,713 --> 00:18:27,315
I can't..."
( Whimpering )
423
00:18:28,884 --> 00:18:30,785
And they're starving.
They'll go, "Oh God, I've got...
424
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:31,952
what's this?
I've gotta eat.
425
00:18:31,987 --> 00:18:34,154
What's this? A banana."
( Retching )
426
00:18:34,189 --> 00:18:35,723
Right?
And they'll go back.
427
00:18:35,757 --> 00:18:37,758
"Oh no, I still can't..."
Back and have a carrot.
428
00:18:37,791 --> 00:18:39,526
( Retching )
429
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,928
They're back and forth for days
and the fat's falling off them.
430
00:18:41,962 --> 00:18:44,897
Soon they can slip through
the door and have a cake.
431
00:18:44,932 --> 00:18:47,733
They can't get out again.
No, but I mean...
432
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:51,771
But we've gotta do something.
We've gotta intervene.
433
00:18:51,806 --> 00:18:53,606
And people say, "No, it has
nothing to do with you.
434
00:18:53,641 --> 00:18:55,542
It's up to them. It's their body.
It's their life."
435
00:18:55,576 --> 00:18:59,679
And that's true, but we don't say
that about wearing crash helmets.
436
00:18:59,712 --> 00:19:01,913
Or if you've got a heroin
addict in the family,
437
00:19:01,948 --> 00:19:04,248
you don't go, "Oh, it's his life.
He loves heroin."
438
00:19:04,282 --> 00:19:07,283
You know, you... you go,
"No, you've gotta stop this.
439
00:19:07,317 --> 00:19:08,884
Please don't die."
440
00:19:08,919 --> 00:19:10,586
And you get him and you
throw him in a cupboard
441
00:19:10,621 --> 00:19:12,221
for three weeks or something.
442
00:19:12,256 --> 00:19:13,756
You can't throw a fat person
in a cupboard.
443
00:19:13,789 --> 00:19:15,257
You'd do your back in like me.
444
00:19:15,291 --> 00:19:17,458
But, you know, heroin addicts...
They don't weigh anything.
445
00:19:17,493 --> 00:19:19,760
You can throw them around
willy-nilly, right?
446
00:19:19,796 --> 00:19:21,962
In fact, when they're lying there
with a needle hanging out,
447
00:19:21,997 --> 00:19:23,096
you just get
the needle and flick,
448
00:19:23,131 --> 00:19:26,865
and they just go
into the cupboard like that.
449
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:28,967
Fat people, you've gotta
lure them in...
450
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,468
a little trail of chocolates.
451
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:32,970
And they just follow that
anywhere, like that.
452
00:19:33,003 --> 00:19:35,304
But we've got to do something
453
00:19:35,339 --> 00:19:38,073
because a third
of the world are obese
454
00:19:38,108 --> 00:19:41,211
and a third of the world
are starving.
455
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:45,048
The fat ones are eating the
skinny ones' food basically.
456
00:19:45,082 --> 00:19:47,549
I know most of the skinny
ones are in Africa,
457
00:19:47,584 --> 00:19:49,183
so out of sight,
out of mind, I know.
458
00:19:49,218 --> 00:19:51,586
But...
No no.
459
00:19:51,621 --> 00:19:53,153
I can talk about Africa
like that
460
00:19:53,189 --> 00:19:57,124
because I'm from Britain
and we used to own it.
461
00:19:59,993 --> 00:20:02,994
We did when we had the empire
and we ruled the world.
462
00:20:03,028 --> 00:20:06,763
Before you took over we used to...
We owned Africa.
463
00:20:06,798 --> 00:20:08,698
But then in the '50s and '60s
464
00:20:08,731 --> 00:20:11,032
Africa wanted
to be self-ruled.
465
00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:12,535
They wanted independence
and they said,
466
00:20:12,568 --> 00:20:14,103
"We'd like to run ourselves."
We went, "Fine."
467
00:20:14,137 --> 00:20:16,204
So gradually we started giving
Africa back to the Africans.
468
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,207
And by the '70s
it was totally run
469
00:20:18,241 --> 00:20:21,176
by the, you know,
Africans themselves.
470
00:20:21,211 --> 00:20:25,279
And of course in the '80s,
we get a phone call.
471
00:20:25,314 --> 00:20:27,782
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
472
00:20:27,816 --> 00:20:31,384
"Who's that?"
"Africa."
473
00:20:31,419 --> 00:20:33,451
"What do you want?"
474
00:20:33,486 --> 00:20:35,854
"We're starving."
475
00:20:35,887 --> 00:20:38,788
"You should've thought of that
476
00:20:38,824 --> 00:20:43,026
before you wanted
independence."
477
00:20:43,059 --> 00:20:45,394
"Well, we didn't know there'd
be a drought, did we?"
478
00:20:45,429 --> 00:20:46,929
"Drought?
I'll give you a drought."
479
00:20:46,962 --> 00:20:49,263
This is true. When I was a kid...
I was about 10...
480
00:20:49,298 --> 00:20:51,900
we had a really long hot summer
481
00:20:51,933 --> 00:20:53,600
and there was a hosepipe ban.
482
00:20:53,634 --> 00:20:55,536
You couldn't water
your flowers.
483
00:20:55,569 --> 00:20:57,669
We've all suffered.
484
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:03,375
So...
That's true actually.
485
00:21:03,409 --> 00:21:05,676
One long hot summer,
and the water ran out.
486
00:21:05,711 --> 00:21:07,644
We didn't know what to do.
We thought, "What could we do?"
487
00:21:07,679 --> 00:21:09,213
And there was people
coming round your house,
488
00:21:09,247 --> 00:21:11,080
trying to tell you
how to conserve water.
489
00:21:11,115 --> 00:21:13,413
They were saying, "When you brush your
teeth, don't let the tap just run.
490
00:21:13,449 --> 00:21:15,248
Put a little glass down."
And they came round.
491
00:21:15,282 --> 00:21:16,750
They were putting house bricks
492
00:21:16,784 --> 00:21:18,418
in the cistern of the toilet
to save water.
493
00:21:18,452 --> 00:21:21,454
And there was public information
films on the television.
494
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:23,856
There was one advert...
It was like an animation
495
00:21:23,891 --> 00:21:25,725
and it was, like,
a couple in the bath,
496
00:21:25,759 --> 00:21:28,493
and it said, "Conserve water:
497
00:21:28,528 --> 00:21:30,729
Take a bath
with a friend."
498
00:21:31,931 --> 00:21:33,631
Which I did.
499
00:21:33,665 --> 00:21:36,099
I say a friend; He was more
a friend of my granddad's.
500
00:21:36,134 --> 00:21:38,067
But...
No.
501
00:21:40,838 --> 00:21:43,973
£10 is a lot to a kid
in England.
502
00:21:45,375 --> 00:21:47,142
What?
503
00:21:48,476 --> 00:21:51,410
He taught me a lot.
He taught me a lot...
504
00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:53,278
Stuff like, "You don't
wash it like that.
505
00:21:53,313 --> 00:21:55,412
Give it here."
506
00:21:58,115 --> 00:22:01,017
No, he was a sweet old man.
507
00:22:01,051 --> 00:22:02,584
I used to call him
granddad Charlie.
508
00:22:02,619 --> 00:22:04,586
He wasn't my real granddad.
He was just an old bloke
509
00:22:04,621 --> 00:22:06,155
who lived across the road
who used to come round
510
00:22:06,189 --> 00:22:08,122
whenever he saw
my parents go out.
511
00:22:08,156 --> 00:22:10,490
And he'd come round...
"Mom and dad out?" "Yeah?"
512
00:22:10,523 --> 00:22:12,490
"All right, do you wanna see
a magic trick?" "Yeah."
513
00:22:12,526 --> 00:22:16,094
He'd draw the curtains and
he'd make me close my eyes,
514
00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:19,162
and he'd sit down and he'd put a
top hat on his lap like that.
515
00:22:19,196 --> 00:22:20,929
A magic hat, right?
516
00:22:20,964 --> 00:22:23,731
And he'd go, "Close your eyes
and feel the magic rabbit."
517
00:22:23,766 --> 00:22:26,101
I used to go up
and I used to...
518
00:22:26,134 --> 00:22:27,934
I used to go in.
I used to feel the little...
519
00:22:27,970 --> 00:22:29,269
A weird little thing it was.
520
00:22:29,304 --> 00:22:31,702
Didn't have any fur or ears.
521
00:22:31,738 --> 00:22:33,738
And it used to go...
522
00:22:33,771 --> 00:22:35,405
And it was scared stiff,
it was.
523
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,874
It was terrified.
524
00:22:37,907 --> 00:22:39,740
And he'd make me
stroke it for...
525
00:22:39,776 --> 00:22:41,509
And I stroked it so fast once
526
00:22:41,542 --> 00:22:44,209
that it was sick all down my...
527
00:22:45,412 --> 00:22:49,881
Shut up. Shut up.
Fuck off.
528
00:22:49,914 --> 00:22:52,516
Oh dear, oh.
529
00:22:53,651 --> 00:22:55,318
Where was oh yeah, famine.
530
00:22:55,353 --> 00:22:59,022
Famine is a problem,
531
00:22:59,057 --> 00:23:01,057
which brings me
to this next fad
532
00:23:01,092 --> 00:23:02,526
that we need to stamp out.
533
00:23:02,559 --> 00:23:04,627
This happened
Christmas before last,
534
00:23:04,662 --> 00:23:07,730
exchanging gifts with old
friends, good friends,
535
00:23:07,765 --> 00:23:10,367
quite well-off friends
if I'm being honest.
536
00:23:10,401 --> 00:23:13,268
I got them a coffee-making
machine from Harrods.
537
00:23:13,303 --> 00:23:15,436
Top of the range.
They loved it.
538
00:23:15,470 --> 00:23:17,504
They gave me my present.
It was just an envelope.
539
00:23:17,538 --> 00:23:19,772
I thought, "Ih, what's this?
Vouchers?"
540
00:23:19,807 --> 00:23:22,075
Opened it up.
It wasn't vouchers.
541
00:23:22,108 --> 00:23:24,576
It was just a card with
a picture of a goat on it.
542
00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:26,077
And I said,
"What's this?"
543
00:23:26,113 --> 00:23:27,846
They went, "Oh, our gift to you
544
00:23:27,881 --> 00:23:30,982
is we gave a goat
to an African family."
545
00:23:31,017 --> 00:23:32,950
"What?"
546
00:23:35,551 --> 00:23:37,019
I'm looking
at the coffee machine,
547
00:23:37,053 --> 00:23:39,586
thinking, "Is it too late
to take that back?"
548
00:23:39,621 --> 00:23:44,089
"And what is..."
"Oh, we gave a goat to an African family."
549
00:23:44,124 --> 00:23:46,825
"Did you? Oh."
550
00:23:46,859 --> 00:23:51,160
So I've got fuck all then
basically.
551
00:23:51,195 --> 00:23:55,130
Mean, I don't even know
this African family.
552
00:23:55,164 --> 00:23:56,699
Why would I give them a goat?
553
00:23:56,732 --> 00:23:59,334
It doesn't make...
This serves no purpose at all.
554
00:23:59,368 --> 00:24:01,035
This is no good for anyone.
555
00:24:01,069 --> 00:24:03,837
They're 50 quid down.
I've got nothing.
556
00:24:03,872 --> 00:24:06,641
The African family's going,
"Not another mouth to feed."
557
00:24:06,674 --> 00:24:08,576
Right?
558
00:24:08,609 --> 00:24:11,744
The goat is going,
"Where the fuck am I?
559
00:24:11,778 --> 00:24:16,414
This... what the f...
This is shit.
560
00:24:16,449 --> 00:24:19,116
A week ago I was gamboling
round the Cotswolds.
561
00:24:19,151 --> 00:24:22,452
There was grass and tourists
with nuts and...
562
00:24:22,488 --> 00:24:25,457
This is a fucking dust bowl."
563
00:24:25,490 --> 00:24:28,059
There's no way that goat
wanted to go to Africa.
564
00:24:28,094 --> 00:24:30,862
It was basically...
It was kidnapped. It was abducted.
565
00:24:30,896 --> 00:24:33,164
It was put in a sack and
bundled on a boat to Africa
566
00:24:33,199 --> 00:24:35,133
like "Roots" in reverse.
567
00:24:35,167 --> 00:24:37,435
There was no...
There was no way.
568
00:24:37,470 --> 00:24:39,105
They went, "Do you want
to go to Africa?"
569
00:24:39,138 --> 00:24:40,673
It went, "Definitely not.
No no."
570
00:24:40,708 --> 00:24:42,641
"Oh, come on.
Why don't you wanna go to Africa?"
571
00:24:42,675 --> 00:24:45,211
"Um, lions."
572
00:24:46,712 --> 00:24:48,579
"Come on.
Why don't you wanna go to Africa?"
573
00:24:48,614 --> 00:24:51,248
"Um, AIDS."
574
00:24:51,281 --> 00:24:52,981
"Well, that shouldn't
affect you."
575
00:24:53,016 --> 00:24:55,250
"It shouldn't."
576
00:24:57,384 --> 00:25:00,287
So just be careful
with that charity shit,
577
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:01,654
particularly at Christmas.
578
00:25:01,689 --> 00:25:02,922
That's when they get you.
579
00:25:02,957 --> 00:25:05,057
They give you a guilt trip
at Christmas.
580
00:25:06,357 --> 00:25:08,105
All the adverts of a charity
at Christmas.
581
00:25:08,171 --> 00:25:09,605
You're sitting at home,
aren't you,
582
00:25:09,638 --> 00:25:10,873
having your Christmas lunch...
583
00:25:10,907 --> 00:25:12,475
loads of food, too much food.
584
00:25:12,509 --> 00:25:14,444
Probably gonna throw
a lot of it away, right?
585
00:25:14,479 --> 00:25:16,580
And things like this
come on the telly.
586
00:25:16,614 --> 00:25:18,780
This runs every Christmas
day in England.
587
00:25:18,816 --> 00:25:21,783
It goes, "Is there
an old lady near you,
588
00:25:21,817 --> 00:25:23,984
cold and lonely
this Christmas?"
589
00:25:24,019 --> 00:25:26,653
Yeah.
I fuckin' hate her.
590
00:25:28,089 --> 00:25:31,324
Nosy bitch winds me up
all year round, okay?
591
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:34,227
I can't wait
for the cold weather.
592
00:25:34,261 --> 00:25:35,729
There's no old lady near me.
593
00:25:35,762 --> 00:25:37,396
She died last year
of hypothermia.
594
00:25:37,432 --> 00:25:40,267
So result, yeah.
Brilliant.
595
00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:45,003
The other big one is "A dog is for
life, not just for Christmas."
596
00:25:45,038 --> 00:25:47,373
I'm right behind that.
I'm really into animal welfare.
597
00:25:47,406 --> 00:25:49,474
And that's obviously aimed
at parents whose kids go,
598
00:25:49,509 --> 00:25:50,943
"Can I have a puppy?
Can I have a puppy?"
599
00:25:50,978 --> 00:25:52,812
And they go, "No."
"Can I have a puppy? Can I..."
600
00:25:52,846 --> 00:25:54,681
And they get them a puppy
to shut them up, right?
601
00:25:54,714 --> 00:25:56,615
And the kid likes it when it's cute.
It grows up.
602
00:25:56,650 --> 00:25:58,583
The kid gets other interests,
gets bored with the dog.
603
00:25:58,617 --> 00:25:59,884
They lumber the parents
with it.
604
00:25:59,917 --> 00:26:01,884
The parents get bored with it.
They abandon it.
605
00:26:01,919 --> 00:26:05,355
11,000 pets were abandoned in England
last year, which is terrible.
606
00:26:05,388 --> 00:26:07,689
And I think, you know,
kids should have pets.
607
00:26:07,723 --> 00:26:09,424
I think it teaches them
life lessons.
608
00:26:09,459 --> 00:26:11,526
I haven't got kids, but I've got
loads of nieces and nephews.
609
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:13,028
And they've got kids
of their own now.
610
00:26:13,061 --> 00:26:15,363
I want to be a cool uncle
and give them what they want,
611
00:26:15,397 --> 00:26:16,865
but I want to be
a responsible one too
612
00:26:16,900 --> 00:26:18,367
and not add
to the stray problem.
613
00:26:18,401 --> 00:26:20,068
But I think I've solved
the dilemma.
614
00:26:20,103 --> 00:26:21,637
Here's a tip.
This is what I do, anyway.
615
00:26:21,671 --> 00:26:23,105
You've gotta wait
till Christmas eve.
616
00:26:23,138 --> 00:26:25,773
And always go to an animal
rescue center, not a breeder.
617
00:26:25,807 --> 00:26:28,276
I go along to an animal
rescue center Christmas eve,
618
00:26:28,310 --> 00:26:31,112
and I go to
the veterinary part.
619
00:26:31,146 --> 00:26:34,115
They've usually got, like,
a runt who's been born
620
00:26:34,150 --> 00:26:36,351
sort of disabled
with no quality of life,
621
00:26:36,384 --> 00:26:38,786
and they're just putting that
out of its misery.
622
00:26:38,820 --> 00:26:41,588
And I go, "No, don't kill that one.
623
00:26:41,623 --> 00:26:43,557
I'll take that one."
624
00:26:43,593 --> 00:26:46,628
And they go, "It's only
gonna live a day."
625
00:26:48,796 --> 00:26:51,364
Perfect. Perfect.
626
00:26:51,397 --> 00:26:53,365
So... so...
and I run home.
627
00:26:53,398 --> 00:26:54,865
I'm going, "Don't die yet.
628
00:26:54,900 --> 00:26:56,367
Don't die yet.
Hold on."
629
00:26:56,402 --> 00:26:59,170
A little bit of Starbucks.
A little bit of Starbucks.
630
00:27:00,605 --> 00:27:02,838
And I rush in. I call my niece.
She comes running.
631
00:27:02,874 --> 00:27:04,508
"Uncle Ricky!"
"Got you a puppy."
632
00:27:04,541 --> 00:27:05,674
"Uncle Ricky,
you got me a puppy!"
633
00:27:05,709 --> 00:27:07,310
"Yeah, your best uncle
got you a puppy.
634
00:27:07,344 --> 00:27:09,077
Yeah. Go on,
play with it quick.
635
00:27:09,112 --> 00:27:11,080
Go on, play with it."
636
00:27:11,115 --> 00:27:14,450
She takes it to bed with her Christmas
eve and she sleeps with it.
637
00:27:14,483 --> 00:27:16,018
She wakes up Christmas day,
638
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:17,519
it's dead, cold, stiff, gone.
639
00:27:17,553 --> 00:27:19,520
So result.
Not a problem.
640
00:27:19,555 --> 00:27:21,489
And they always come down
the next day, they go,
641
00:27:21,522 --> 00:27:23,624
"Oh, my puppy's dead.
My puppy's dead."
642
00:27:23,659 --> 00:27:25,593
They go, "Oh, what?
The puppy your uncle got you?
643
00:27:25,626 --> 00:27:27,860
He did his bit, and whatever happened
after that isn't his problem."
644
00:27:27,895 --> 00:27:29,128
They go, "Yeah."
645
00:27:29,163 --> 00:27:31,030
And I go, "Maybe you rolled
over it in the night."
646
00:27:31,065 --> 00:27:34,667
"Oh, did I?
Oh no! Oh no!"
647
00:27:35,315 --> 00:27:37,382
And then they start
"I killed my puppy."
648
00:27:37,501 --> 00:27:38,418
"I killed my puppy."
649
00:27:38,538 --> 00:27:40,807
And they go,
"No, you didn't kill your puppy."
650
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:44,376
Jesus killed your puppy
651
00:27:44,411 --> 00:27:47,313
on his birthday
652
00:27:47,346 --> 00:27:48,814
'cause you didn't spend enough
653
00:27:48,848 --> 00:27:51,015
on your uncle's
Christmas present."
654
00:27:51,050 --> 00:27:54,019
They usually buck
their ideas up the next year.
655
00:27:54,054 --> 00:27:55,821
The other big campaign
at Christmas:
656
00:27:55,855 --> 00:27:57,690
Don't drink and drive.
657
00:27:57,724 --> 00:27:59,157
Right behind that as well.
658
00:27:59,192 --> 00:28:01,160
A lot more stigma attached
to that these days.
659
00:28:01,194 --> 00:28:03,695
When I was growing up, it was whether
you got away with it or not.
660
00:28:03,730 --> 00:28:06,265
But people now know
it's sort of... It wrecks lives.
661
00:28:06,298 --> 00:28:09,367
I'd be getting in the car when I
was a kid with grown-ups, family.
662
00:28:09,402 --> 00:28:12,069
I'd be going, "No, you can't drive.
You had too much to drink."
663
00:28:12,104 --> 00:28:14,271
And they go, "It's all right.
I won't get caught."
664
00:28:14,306 --> 00:28:16,106
But now people know
that's wrong.
665
00:28:16,141 --> 00:28:17,942
I've done it once
and I'm not proud of it.
666
00:28:17,976 --> 00:28:19,943
I'm fucking ashamed of it.
That was Christmas.
667
00:28:19,978 --> 00:28:21,478
I wasn't drunk,
but I was over the limit.
668
00:28:21,511 --> 00:28:23,613
I took the car out
and I knew I shouldn't.
669
00:28:23,646 --> 00:28:25,579
I knew I shouldn't be driving.
670
00:28:25,615 --> 00:28:28,682
But I learned my lesson, because
I nearly killed an old woman.
671
00:28:28,715 --> 00:28:30,250
No, in the end
I didn't kill her.
672
00:28:30,284 --> 00:28:32,419
In the end I just raped her.
673
00:28:37,356 --> 00:28:40,691
But as I say,
nothing came of it.
674
00:28:40,726 --> 00:28:42,960
Luckily for me,
a thousand-to-one shot,
675
00:28:42,993 --> 00:28:44,461
she had Alzheimer's.
676
00:28:44,494 --> 00:28:49,097
So not a credible witness.
677
00:28:51,301 --> 00:28:53,169
Spiders... Oh, spiders.
678
00:28:53,203 --> 00:28:54,671
They're always ready,
aren't they?
679
00:28:54,705 --> 00:28:56,005
Aren't they always ready for...
680
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:57,573
They're always ready
for action, a spider.
681
00:28:57,608 --> 00:29:00,341
It's always completely fucking
ready for action like that.
682
00:29:00,375 --> 00:29:02,108
Always ready
for action, always.
683
00:29:02,144 --> 00:29:03,811
I mean, some animals
are sometimes ready.
684
00:29:03,846 --> 00:29:05,346
You startle a cat
and it'll go...
685
00:29:05,381 --> 00:29:06,883
( Gasps )
For a few seconds.
686
00:29:06,917 --> 00:29:08,384
Then it goes back to chill.
687
00:29:08,419 --> 00:29:10,953
Most of the time a cat is just
laying on the floor, isn't it?
688
00:29:10,988 --> 00:29:13,456
Just on its side,
all four limbs
689
00:29:13,490 --> 00:29:15,457
just stretched out
in one direction.
690
00:29:15,491 --> 00:29:17,759
You will never see
a spider like that.
691
00:29:17,792 --> 00:29:21,194
You will never see a spider
just lying on the carpet,
692
00:29:21,229 --> 00:29:23,163
its head down
and all eight legs
693
00:29:23,198 --> 00:29:24,730
just stretched out like that.
694
00:29:24,765 --> 00:29:27,400
They're always... Ugh.
They're always ready, okay?
695
00:29:27,434 --> 00:29:29,501
And they're always ready
in every direction
696
00:29:29,537 --> 00:29:33,139
like the fucking "Matrix,"
like that.
697
00:29:33,173 --> 00:29:35,240
They don't have to turn.
They've got 10 eyes...
698
00:29:35,275 --> 00:29:37,576
eight legs and 10 eyes.
It's over the top.
699
00:29:37,611 --> 00:29:39,578
They're even ready when you
don't think they're ready.
700
00:29:39,613 --> 00:29:41,080
You can see an empty web
and you go,
701
00:29:41,114 --> 00:29:42,581
"That spider's
not ready."
702
00:29:42,615 --> 00:29:44,149
"No? Touch the web."
"What?"
703
00:29:44,182 --> 00:29:47,518
"Touch the web."
And it's there, like that.
704
00:29:47,551 --> 00:29:50,620
I fucking hate them.
705
00:29:50,654 --> 00:29:54,258
37,000 different species
of spider.
706
00:29:54,291 --> 00:29:57,860
37,000 different
species of spider.
707
00:29:57,894 --> 00:30:00,462
I mean, millions and billions
of individuals
708
00:30:00,498 --> 00:30:01,931
in each species.
709
00:30:01,965 --> 00:30:04,000
And that's just one class,
arachnid,
710
00:30:04,034 --> 00:30:05,868
of one phylum, arthropoda.
711
00:30:05,902 --> 00:30:08,938
There could be five million
species of animal
712
00:30:08,971 --> 00:30:10,704
alive now on the earth.
713
00:30:10,740 --> 00:30:12,373
Best guess, okay?
714
00:30:12,407 --> 00:30:15,274
And that's 1%
of all animal species
715
00:30:15,309 --> 00:30:16,909
that have ever existed.
716
00:30:16,943 --> 00:30:18,978
99% of all animal species
717
00:30:19,011 --> 00:30:20,812
that ever existed
are now extinct,
718
00:30:20,846 --> 00:30:25,316
and that remaining 1%
is five million strong.
719
00:30:25,351 --> 00:30:28,252
Take one of those species...
termites.
720
00:30:28,286 --> 00:30:32,721
If we were to weigh
every termite alive now,
721
00:30:32,756 --> 00:30:34,923
it would be 10 times
the tonnage
722
00:30:34,958 --> 00:30:37,426
of every human being on earth.
723
00:30:37,460 --> 00:30:39,427
And it's statistics like that
that make me think
724
00:30:39,461 --> 00:30:42,262
that this book
isn't totally accurate.
725
00:30:52,008 --> 00:30:55,344
It's the book of Noah,
726
00:30:55,377 --> 00:30:57,678
the children's edition.
727
00:30:57,711 --> 00:30:59,112
I actually got this
awarded to me
728
00:30:59,146 --> 00:31:00,778
when I used to go
to Sunday school every week.
729
00:31:00,814 --> 00:31:03,648
I believed in all this
till I was eight.
730
00:31:06,048 --> 00:31:08,215
"St. Agnes Sunday School.
731
00:31:08,250 --> 00:31:09,750
Presented to:
Rikki Gervais..."
732
00:31:09,785 --> 00:31:12,186
R-i-k-k-i.
733
00:31:12,220 --> 00:31:14,387
Like a fucking mongoose, right?
734
00:31:19,326 --> 00:31:21,126
"...For regular
attendance."
735
00:31:21,162 --> 00:31:24,297
Not even for being good at
anything; Just for turning up.
736
00:31:24,330 --> 00:31:27,098
"He's always here. Give him a prize.
He'll be back."
737
00:31:27,133 --> 00:31:29,734
"Thank you.
Thank you."
738
00:31:31,403 --> 00:31:33,971
Let's have a look
at the evidence.
739
00:31:34,006 --> 00:31:36,807
"Long long ago, when God
first made the earth..."
740
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:38,307
I'll let both those points go.
741
00:31:38,342 --> 00:31:40,743
We haven't got time.
Right.
742
00:31:40,778 --> 00:31:42,644
"Long long ago" by the way,
743
00:31:42,679 --> 00:31:44,747
according to the Bible,
is 5,000 years.
744
00:31:44,781 --> 00:31:46,249
According to the old testament,
745
00:31:46,282 --> 00:31:49,917
the earth is no older
than 5,000 years old, okay?
746
00:31:49,952 --> 00:31:52,554
It's actually
4.6 billion years old.
747
00:31:52,587 --> 00:31:54,989
Let's pop that in, pop that in.
748
00:31:55,022 --> 00:31:57,124
"4.6 billion years ago,
749
00:31:57,157 --> 00:31:59,891
when God first made
the earth and sky..."
750
00:31:59,925 --> 00:32:01,527
All right, don't bring it up.
751
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,360
It comes as a package
really, doesn't it?
752
00:32:03,394 --> 00:32:05,796
I mean... Do you know
what I mean?
753
00:32:05,830 --> 00:32:08,197
The sky was never
an optional extra.
754
00:32:08,232 --> 00:32:10,267
It's like, "Made you a planet."
"I can't breathe."
755
00:32:10,300 --> 00:32:11,768
"Would you like
an atmosphere?"
756
00:32:11,801 --> 00:32:13,135
"Of course
I fuckin' would."
757
00:32:13,170 --> 00:32:15,738
So, well done, but...
758
00:32:17,507 --> 00:32:19,975
"Everything was peaceful,
everything beautiful.
759
00:32:20,009 --> 00:32:21,942
God made human beings too,
760
00:32:21,978 --> 00:32:23,845
and he wanted them
to be good like himself."
761
00:32:23,878 --> 00:32:26,613
Arrogant, right?
762
00:32:26,648 --> 00:32:29,049
"But very soon,
they wanted their own way.
763
00:32:29,084 --> 00:32:30,718
They would not listen to God.
764
00:32:30,751 --> 00:32:32,653
They became wicked
and did wicked things."
765
00:32:32,686 --> 00:32:35,854
Look at them doing
wicked things there.
766
00:32:35,890 --> 00:32:38,157
You don't get much more
wicked than that, do you?
767
00:32:38,191 --> 00:32:40,325
"Fuck... Oh, fuck off, wicked!"
768
00:32:40,359 --> 00:32:43,761
Whee.
"Fuck off, wicked!"
769
00:32:44,730 --> 00:32:47,097
Whee.
"Ah!"
770
00:32:47,133 --> 00:32:48,833
God just looking on.
"Oh, carry on.
771
00:32:48,866 --> 00:32:50,533
See what happens.
See what happens.
772
00:32:50,567 --> 00:32:53,936
Oh, see what happens, yeah.
Oh, see what happens."
773
00:32:55,105 --> 00:32:57,707
The bloke there running off
with a big bag of money.
774
00:32:57,741 --> 00:32:59,408
Don't put it in a bank,
you cunt.
775
00:32:59,442 --> 00:33:02,045
( Groans )
Right.
776
00:33:02,078 --> 00:33:04,847
"God looked at them
and said to himself,
777
00:33:04,882 --> 00:33:06,783
'they are so wicked,
I will have to
778
00:33:06,817 --> 00:33:08,551
wipe them off
the face of the earth.'"
779
00:33:08,586 --> 00:33:12,122
really? Really?
780
00:33:12,155 --> 00:33:14,656
Straight to genocide?
781
00:33:16,826 --> 00:33:19,294
What happened to one verbal
and two written warnings?
782
00:33:19,327 --> 00:33:21,562
Straight...
783
00:33:21,596 --> 00:33:25,833
Straight to the annihilation
of the entire human race
784
00:33:25,866 --> 00:33:27,666
because
a fatty-yellow-trousers
785
00:33:27,701 --> 00:33:29,903
picked someone's nose?
786
00:33:29,936 --> 00:33:31,604
Really?
787
00:33:31,638 --> 00:33:33,772
Fuck.
788
00:33:33,807 --> 00:33:38,175
Anger management, man.
Just calm the fuck down.
789
00:33:38,211 --> 00:33:40,578
Let's... just chill.
790
00:33:40,613 --> 00:33:43,949
Let's talk about this.
791
00:33:43,982 --> 00:33:46,917
Wow!
792
00:33:46,951 --> 00:33:49,287
I read that
to Karl Pilkington, right?
793
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,688
- Who is... Yes.
- ( Audience cheering )
794
00:33:52,722 --> 00:33:54,822
Yes.
795
00:33:54,856 --> 00:33:58,158
Head like a fuckin' orange,
I know, yeah.
796
00:33:58,192 --> 00:34:00,094
I read that bit to him.
797
00:34:00,127 --> 00:34:02,562
"They are so wicked, I will have to
wipe them off the face of the earth."
798
00:34:02,596 --> 00:34:06,164
And Karl said,
"He sounds gay."
799
00:34:06,199 --> 00:34:08,700
I said, "What...
what do you mean?"
800
00:34:08,733 --> 00:34:11,869
He went, "Some gays
are a bit like that."
801
00:34:11,903 --> 00:34:13,971
He thought God was, like,
having a hissy fit.
802
00:34:14,005 --> 00:34:16,539
Like he's going, "No, they
treat me like a bastard,
803
00:34:16,574 --> 00:34:18,041
I'm gonna treat them
like a bast...
804
00:34:18,074 --> 00:34:19,708
I'm gonna show them.
I'm gonna wipe 'em out."
805
00:34:19,744 --> 00:34:23,313
I said, "Karl,
God is not gay, okay?
806
00:34:23,347 --> 00:34:25,715
Read the Bible.
He hates them."
807
00:34:30,786 --> 00:34:33,755
"They are so wicked, I will have to
wipe them off e face of the earth,
808
00:34:33,789 --> 00:34:37,826
and every living thing
with them."
809
00:34:37,860 --> 00:34:39,996
What's the squid ever done?
810
00:34:40,030 --> 00:34:43,731
Real... God has gone mad.
What?
811
00:34:43,764 --> 00:34:47,532
But he's not gay.
God is not gay.
812
00:34:47,568 --> 00:34:49,701
"But there was one man
who was still very good.
813
00:34:49,735 --> 00:34:52,202
His name was Noah.
He was a friend of God."
814
00:34:52,237 --> 00:34:55,373
Just a friend,
so don't... No.
815
00:34:57,076 --> 00:34:58,710
Just a friend...
816
00:34:58,744 --> 00:35:02,761
A friend with
big hooped earrings.
817
00:35:13,795 --> 00:35:16,063
Rouge.
818
00:35:17,398 --> 00:35:20,666
What... what's he doing...
He lives in a cave.
819
00:35:20,701 --> 00:35:22,434
What's he doing with this?
820
00:35:22,469 --> 00:35:25,571
"What... what are
you doing?"
821
00:35:25,606 --> 00:35:27,774
"Seeing God.
822
00:35:32,210 --> 00:35:34,913
You never know.
You never know."
823
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:38,348
Handlebar mustache.
824
00:35:40,186 --> 00:35:42,254
Holding God's hand,
825
00:35:42,288 --> 00:35:45,322
who's wearing a blouse.
826
00:35:50,262 --> 00:35:52,196
God is not gay.
827
00:35:54,398 --> 00:35:57,599
"God said to Noah,
828
00:35:57,634 --> 00:36:00,768
'I am so angry
with men...'"
829
00:36:06,105 --> 00:36:08,572
"You mean men and women?"
830
00:36:08,606 --> 00:36:11,340
"Whatever.
831
00:36:11,375 --> 00:36:14,007
Whatever."
832
00:36:14,043 --> 00:36:16,143
"'I am so angry with men
833
00:36:16,177 --> 00:36:18,644
that I have made my mind up
to destroy them all.
834
00:36:18,679 --> 00:36:21,481
I have stretched my bow in the sky.
It is a rainbow.'"
835
00:36:21,514 --> 00:36:24,650
that's got to be the world's
first pun, hasn't it?
836
00:36:26,519 --> 00:36:28,954
"'It will make so much rain
pour down on earth
837
00:36:28,989 --> 00:36:32,291
that everything will be
drowned, but not you.
838
00:36:33,858 --> 00:36:35,525
I want you to build an ark.
839
00:36:35,561 --> 00:36:38,161
It must be like a big boat with
three decks and a roof over it.'"
840
00:36:38,195 --> 00:36:40,963
"Yeah, I know how to build a boat, mate.
Oh, cheers."
841
00:36:40,998 --> 00:36:42,731
"'And you will make a door
in the side of it.'"
842
00:36:42,764 --> 00:36:46,299
"Do you think I'm a complete idiot?
I know..."
843
00:36:46,333 --> 00:36:48,868
"Noah did exactly
what God told him.
844
00:36:48,902 --> 00:36:50,403
And then God said
to Noah..."
845
00:36:50,438 --> 00:36:52,539
Now...
Okay okay.
846
00:36:52,574 --> 00:36:54,575
Now this is aimed
at children, admittedly,
847
00:36:54,608 --> 00:36:57,775
but it's taken from the old
testament story in the Bible.
848
00:36:57,809 --> 00:36:59,709
But I don't think
the author of this book
849
00:36:59,742 --> 00:37:01,909
is a zoologist.
850
00:37:01,943 --> 00:37:04,744
As we've said, there could be
five million species of animal.
851
00:37:04,778 --> 00:37:06,313
I don't think
he knows them all,
852
00:37:06,347 --> 00:37:09,648
the way he backs out very quickly
in this next sentence, okay?
853
00:37:09,681 --> 00:37:12,717
"'I want you to take two of every kind
of animal with you into the ark...
854
00:37:12,751 --> 00:37:16,621
Two lions, two tigers,
two elephants and so on.'"
855
00:37:21,626 --> 00:37:26,228
"What?
I've got lions, tigers, elephants... so on.
856
00:37:28,632 --> 00:37:31,298
On you go."
857
00:37:31,333 --> 00:37:33,333
"'Look after them well
and keep them alive.'
858
00:37:33,367 --> 00:37:34,835
and Noah did
what God said."
859
00:37:34,869 --> 00:37:36,603
Now I want you to study
that scenario.
860
00:37:36,637 --> 00:37:39,672
Okay, so God is angry
with mankind.
861
00:37:39,706 --> 00:37:41,340
He's fed up with them.
They're wicked.
862
00:37:41,373 --> 00:37:43,507
He's gonna wipe them out
and just start again
863
00:37:43,541 --> 00:37:45,242
with Noah and his wife.
864
00:37:46,710 --> 00:37:49,512
He's angry with the animals
too for some reason.
865
00:37:49,547 --> 00:37:52,148
I don't... So he's gonna
start again
866
00:37:52,182 --> 00:37:53,916
with just two of each species.
867
00:37:53,951 --> 00:37:55,418
He calls a flood.
They build an ark.
868
00:37:55,452 --> 00:37:57,420
Noah goes, "Right,
two of each species.
869
00:37:57,454 --> 00:37:59,822
Two, just two.
Quick, first two."
870
00:37:59,858 --> 00:38:02,192
( Trumpets )
There's a stampede.
871
00:38:02,226 --> 00:38:04,293
( Trumpets )
Two elephants.
872
00:38:04,329 --> 00:38:07,664
( Trumpets )
Two toucans...Just walking.
873
00:38:15,371 --> 00:38:17,739
There's no rush.
874
00:38:21,376 --> 00:38:24,511
Just strollin', baby.
875
00:38:26,380 --> 00:38:29,748
I think this one
is a bit more concerned
876
00:38:29,782 --> 00:38:32,317
than this one.
877
00:38:32,351 --> 00:38:37,421
This one's probably going,
"Should we fly?"
878
00:38:40,456 --> 00:38:42,525
"Nah."
879
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:47,295
"No?"
880
00:38:49,463 --> 00:38:51,498
"Nah."
881
00:38:52,965 --> 00:38:55,099
I could do this all night.
882
00:39:00,371 --> 00:39:02,471
"No?"
883
00:39:07,242 --> 00:39:09,343
"Nah."
884
00:39:12,612 --> 00:39:14,446
( Snorts )
885
00:39:14,481 --> 00:39:16,549
"Sure?"
886
00:39:18,284 --> 00:39:20,585
"Yeah."
887
00:39:20,619 --> 00:39:25,588
"I mean, we've...
Well, we've got wings."
888
00:39:25,623 --> 00:39:28,692
( Laughing )
"We've got feet as well."
889
00:39:31,128 --> 00:39:34,464
"Why don't you wanna
push in?"
890
00:39:34,498 --> 00:39:37,267
"That elephant's
looking at me funny."
891
00:39:45,943 --> 00:39:49,846
"Yeah, I... I fuckin' am.
892
00:39:52,382 --> 00:39:54,884
If you try and push in,
I'm gonna stamp on you,
893
00:39:54,918 --> 00:39:58,822
you... you big-nosed twat."
894
00:39:58,856 --> 00:40:02,759
"Hold on. Who are you
calling big-nosed?"
895
00:40:03,929 --> 00:40:05,729
"What do you mean?"
896
00:40:05,764 --> 00:40:08,597
"No, it's just pot
calling kettle black."
897
00:40:08,632 --> 00:40:11,166
"What the fuck does that mean?
What does 'pot... '"
898
00:40:11,202 --> 00:40:13,102
"Well, you know, if a pot's...
Oh, forget it."
899
00:40:13,135 --> 00:40:16,304
"I can't forget it.
I'm a fucking elephant."
900
00:40:16,338 --> 00:40:18,438
( Laughing )
901
00:40:22,141 --> 00:40:23,575
Oh.
902
00:40:23,608 --> 00:40:26,710
Two camels, two lions,
two ostriches,
903
00:40:26,744 --> 00:40:29,745
two leopards,
two tigers, two zebra.
904
00:40:29,780 --> 00:40:32,981
Ah, here's the crux
of my point.
905
00:40:33,016 --> 00:40:36,485
Just one species on the ark
at the moment: The giraffes.
906
00:40:36,519 --> 00:40:39,121
They got there first...
Longer legs, okay?
907
00:40:39,155 --> 00:40:42,725
Five million more species
to get on there.
908
00:40:42,759 --> 00:40:46,396
So two of it... So two animals on the ark
at the moment.
909
00:40:46,429 --> 00:40:48,130
10 million more animals to go.
910
00:40:48,164 --> 00:40:51,132
10 million more of those, ok?
911
00:40:51,166 --> 00:40:53,167
Million as far as...
912
00:40:53,201 --> 00:40:55,737
10 million of them
to get on there.
913
00:40:55,771 --> 00:40:58,740
Just two on there
at the moment.
914
00:40:58,775 --> 00:41:01,577
Look how much room
they're already taking up.
915
00:41:05,751 --> 00:41:09,287
It's at a third capacity.
916
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:11,056
What's it going
to be like on there
917
00:41:11,090 --> 00:41:13,492
when these two
fat cunts get on?
918
00:41:16,161 --> 00:41:18,196
Man:
Yeah!
919
00:41:18,231 --> 00:41:19,999
"Then God bent the bow
of his anger
920
00:41:20,032 --> 00:41:21,567
d the rain came flooding down,
921
00:41:21,601 --> 00:41:23,402
covering the earth with water.
922
00:41:23,436 --> 00:41:25,171
It rained for 40 days
and nights.
923
00:41:25,204 --> 00:41:27,072
The flood water rose
higher and higher,
924
00:41:27,106 --> 00:41:29,608
until it covered the tops
of the highest mountains.
925
00:41:29,643 --> 00:41:32,244
Every living thing
was drowned except Noah
926
00:41:32,278 --> 00:41:34,213
and the animals
in the ark."
927
00:41:34,246 --> 00:41:36,315
And the fish.
928
00:41:37,717 --> 00:41:39,651
They were fine, weren't they?
They were fine.
929
00:41:39,684 --> 00:41:41,385
They were loving it.
They were better off.
930
00:41:41,420 --> 00:41:43,186
In fact, all the sea creatures.
931
00:41:43,221 --> 00:41:44,487
I mean, mountains underwater...
932
00:41:44,521 --> 00:41:46,623
Their domain had increased,
like, tenfold.
933
00:41:46,657 --> 00:41:48,024
It's so much more interesting.
934
00:41:48,057 --> 00:41:51,059
You've got crabs going,
"I'm on a fucking mountain!
935
00:41:51,094 --> 00:41:54,429
This is amazing!
I never want this flood to...
936
00:41:54,463 --> 00:41:56,197
I've never been
up here before."
937
00:41:56,231 --> 00:41:57,831
I think of that
when you see on the news,
938
00:41:57,864 --> 00:42:00,464
like if there's a little
village in Gloucester
939
00:42:00,500 --> 00:42:02,166
flooded or something.
It's really sad.
940
00:42:02,199 --> 00:42:03,532
You see people...
They've lost their homes
941
00:42:03,568 --> 00:42:05,468
and they're in dinghies,
carrying their pets.
942
00:42:05,501 --> 00:42:07,701
And you see a little row
of antique shops
943
00:42:07,735 --> 00:42:09,170
completely underwater.
944
00:42:09,204 --> 00:42:11,505
And I think of a fish
just looking in the window
945
00:42:11,539 --> 00:42:13,906
of the antique shop
for the first time.
946
00:42:19,210 --> 00:42:21,510
"So that's a chaise longue."
947
00:42:25,114 --> 00:42:27,848
"For 150 days the earth
was covered with water.
948
00:42:27,884 --> 00:42:30,150
Then Noah opened the window
of the ark and looked out.
949
00:42:30,186 --> 00:42:32,754
The water seemed to be going
down, but how could he be sure?"
950
00:42:32,788 --> 00:42:35,054
Well, ask God. You've been chatting
to him all the way through.
951
00:42:35,090 --> 00:42:36,856
Why are we...
952
00:42:36,891 --> 00:42:40,026
Why are we getting cryptic
all of a sudden?
953
00:42:40,059 --> 00:42:42,494
"He sent a raven out,
but it soon came flying back.
954
00:42:42,528 --> 00:42:44,262
It could find
nowhere to settle.
955
00:42:44,297 --> 00:42:46,697
Noah waited another week
and he sent out a dove."
956
00:42:46,731 --> 00:42:49,333
Why did the raven lose his job?
957
00:42:51,802 --> 00:42:53,237
"But the dove
came back too."
958
00:42:53,271 --> 00:42:55,322
See? The raven wasn't bullshitting.
This is...
959
00:42:57,126 --> 00:42:59,253
"There was still no dry land anywhere...
960
00:42:59,510 --> 00:43:01,677
"But one day
the dove flew out and..."
961
00:43:01,711 --> 00:43:03,378
Why did the dove
get a second go
962
00:43:03,413 --> 00:43:05,313
and not the raven?
963
00:43:05,347 --> 00:43:07,449
Racist.
964
00:43:11,420 --> 00:43:12,887
"But one day the dove flew out
965
00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:14,653
and brought back
a green olive branch.
966
00:43:14,688 --> 00:43:16,690
And Noah knew that
God was no longer angry.
967
00:43:16,724 --> 00:43:18,858
Then God told Noah to the
animals out of the ark.
968
00:43:18,891 --> 00:43:20,925
'They must once more fill
the Earth with living things.'
969
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:22,927
the first thing Noah did
was to build an altar.
970
00:43:22,961 --> 00:43:25,436
He offered a sacrifice to God
to thank him for saving them.
971
00:43:25,556 --> 00:43:27,812
And Noah said "I'll make a pact
of friendship with you."
972
00:43:27,932 --> 00:43:30,733
'I will never again send a flood
to destroy the earth.
973
00:43:30,768 --> 00:43:32,501
The rainbow,
which I've put in the sky,
974
00:43:32,536 --> 00:43:35,971
will no longer be a sign of my
anger, but a sign of peace.
975
00:43:36,005 --> 00:43:38,273
It will be a sign
of my friendship with men... '"
976
00:43:38,306 --> 00:43:40,473
That is...
977
00:43:40,507 --> 00:43:42,407
That is how it is...
978
00:43:45,978 --> 00:43:47,545
That is how it is used today.
979
00:43:47,579 --> 00:43:49,713
They took it literally.
980
00:43:49,748 --> 00:43:53,416
"'It will be a sign of my friendship
with men, which begins today,
981
00:43:53,451 --> 00:43:55,351
and which my son Jesus
will one day prove
982
00:43:55,385 --> 00:43:56,851
by shedding his blood
for men.'"
983
00:43:56,887 --> 00:43:58,353
"Who?"
"You'll see."
984
00:43:58,387 --> 00:44:00,788
There was... there wasn't
a teaser campaign
985
00:44:00,822 --> 00:44:03,658
in the old testament.
986
00:44:03,693 --> 00:44:07,429
Coming soon: The sequel.
987
00:44:07,463 --> 00:44:09,731
"And so when you have
done wrong
988
00:44:09,766 --> 00:44:11,467
and you are feeling
very sad about it,
989
00:44:11,501 --> 00:44:13,302
think of the rainbow
and the peace
990
00:44:13,338 --> 00:44:15,106
which God wants to put
into your heart.
991
00:44:15,139 --> 00:44:18,208
He has promised to be your friend.
Promise to be his."
992
00:44:18,242 --> 00:44:21,010
And that's just one of 12
in the dove books series.
993
00:44:21,045 --> 00:44:22,846
I've only got one:
Number nine... "Noah."
994
00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:25,281
Although I think my favorite
would be number eight
995
00:44:25,315 --> 00:44:28,550
just from the title...
"Jesus and the Cripple."
996
00:44:28,585 --> 00:44:31,320
( Cheering, applause )
997
00:44:31,355 --> 00:44:33,490
Thank you.
Cheers.
998
00:44:35,893 --> 00:44:37,994
Oh dear.
999
00:44:39,795 --> 00:44:41,062
I...
1000
00:44:44,634 --> 00:44:47,739
I read that whole book to Karl and uh...
1001
00:44:48,489 --> 00:44:50,572
He believed it all.
Why wouldn't he? It's written down..
1002
00:44:50,606 --> 00:44:53,474
And I said, "Karl, think.
1003
00:44:53,509 --> 00:44:56,009
How could they get 10
million animals on a boat?"
1004
00:44:56,043 --> 00:44:57,510
Karl went, "They said
it was a big boat."
1005
00:44:57,543 --> 00:44:59,009
Yeah, they did.
That's true.
1006
00:44:59,043 --> 00:45:03,177
I said, "Put they're all
part of the food chain.
1007
00:45:03,211 --> 00:45:07,079
They would have literally had to
have eaten each other to survive.
1008
00:45:07,114 --> 00:45:09,148
Why didn't the lion
eat the antelope?
1009
00:45:09,181 --> 00:45:10,881
Why didn't the spider
eat the fly?"
1010
00:45:10,916 --> 00:45:14,984
And Karl said, "'Cause in a
crisis you all pull together."
1011
00:45:17,519 --> 00:45:19,487
Amazing.
1012
00:45:19,521 --> 00:45:21,322
I'd love to do a book
of his quotes.
1013
00:45:21,356 --> 00:45:22,822
I love books of quotations.
1014
00:45:22,856 --> 00:45:24,824
I love just reading them
for... for pleasure.
1015
00:45:24,858 --> 00:45:26,425
I've got a few
of these compilations.
1016
00:45:26,458 --> 00:45:29,326
And one of my heroes
is Winston Churchill.
1017
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:34,063
When I read "Give us the tools
1018
00:45:34,097 --> 00:45:37,166
and we will finish the job,"
I thought, "How inspiring."
1019
00:45:37,199 --> 00:45:40,301
And when I read "Never in
the field of human conflict
1020
00:45:40,335 --> 00:45:42,736
was so much owed
by so many to so few,"
1021
00:45:42,771 --> 00:45:44,471
I thought,
"How patriotic."
1022
00:45:44,507 --> 00:45:46,340
And when I read
"It is a good thing
1023
00:45:46,375 --> 00:45:49,976
for an uneducated man to read
books of quotations,"
1024
00:45:52,079 --> 00:45:55,048
I thought,
"You cheeky, fat git."
1025
00:45:57,717 --> 00:46:00,152
People always say to me
that Oscar Wilde
1026
00:46:00,153 --> 00:46:01,922
is the greatest genius
that's ever lived.
1027
00:46:01,956 --> 00:46:03,724
Let's have a look to me
at the evidence, okay?
1028
00:46:03,757 --> 00:46:05,291
Here's one of his.
1029
00:46:05,327 --> 00:46:07,061
"All women become
like their mothers.
1030
00:46:07,096 --> 00:46:08,530
That is their tragedy.
1031
00:46:08,563 --> 00:46:11,232
No man does.
That is his."
1032
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:17,675
That sounds a bit gay to me.
1033
00:46:17,708 --> 00:46:20,543
Don't you think?
I... No, just...
1034
00:46:20,577 --> 00:46:22,445
Give him another go.
Here's another one.
1035
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:26,081
"I couldn't help it.
I can resist everything except temptation."
1036
00:46:26,115 --> 00:46:29,117
That sounds gay as well.
I think...
1037
00:46:29,150 --> 00:46:30,617
I want to start that
with an "Ooh."
1038
00:46:30,652 --> 00:46:32,251
I wanna go,
"Ooh, I couldn't help it."
1039
00:46:32,286 --> 00:46:33,953
Do you know what I mean?
1040
00:46:33,989 --> 00:46:37,490
And I want to end it with, "I can
resist everything except temptation.
1041
00:46:37,525 --> 00:46:40,226
Chance would be a fine thing."
You know?
1042
00:46:40,260 --> 00:46:42,730
And when he went through
customs in New York
1043
00:46:42,764 --> 00:46:44,765
all those years ago...
And the customs officer,
1044
00:46:44,798 --> 00:46:47,266
just doing his job, said,
"Have you anything to declare?"
1045
00:46:47,302 --> 00:46:50,671
Oscar Wilde famously said,
"Nothing but my genius."
1046
00:46:50,704 --> 00:46:52,773
Ooh.
1047
00:46:52,806 --> 00:46:54,440
That wasn't witty.
I bet he planned that.
1048
00:46:54,474 --> 00:46:56,108
I bet the first time
he went through customs
1049
00:46:56,143 --> 00:46:57,976
in a foreign country it was all
"Yes sir," "No sir."
1050
00:46:58,010 --> 00:46:59,878
"Anything to declare?" "No."
"Thanks. On you go."
1051
00:46:59,911 --> 00:47:01,278
"Oh, I just thought
of something
1052
00:47:01,313 --> 00:47:02,747
fucking brilliant to say.
1053
00:47:02,780 --> 00:47:06,583
Oh!
I'm always doing that.
1054
00:47:06,617 --> 00:47:08,552
Excuse me, can I go back through...
No? Ugh!"
1055
00:47:08,586 --> 00:47:10,753
He had to wait weeks in those days,
back on the boat to England,
1056
00:47:10,788 --> 00:47:12,322
just thinking,
"If they say that again...
1057
00:47:12,356 --> 00:47:14,091
'Anything to declare?'
'Nothing but my genius.'
1058
00:47:14,125 --> 00:47:15,625
I'll be in a book
of quotations."
1059
00:47:15,659 --> 00:47:16,960
He gets there again
weeks later,
1060
00:47:16,994 --> 00:47:19,362
finds the same bloke,
goes up to him.
1061
00:47:19,396 --> 00:47:20,695
The bloke goes,
"On you go."
1062
00:47:20,731 --> 00:47:23,232
"Didn't even fucking
ask me that time.
1063
00:47:23,266 --> 00:47:25,367
Fuck.
1064
00:47:26,469 --> 00:47:27,869
Excuse me, they didn't
ask me if...
1065
00:47:27,903 --> 00:47:29,371
Random,
fucking random."
1066
00:47:29,405 --> 00:47:30,672
Right?
Back on the boat.
1067
00:47:30,706 --> 00:47:31,972
Three weeks later, getting it.
1068
00:47:32,007 --> 00:47:34,088
Gets there this time,
finds the same bloke.
1069
00:47:34,130 --> 00:47:37,597
Is time he's started looking
shifty so he gets picked out.
1070
00:47:37,717 --> 00:47:42,533
Like that, right? The blok, right?...
"Did you buy anything?"
1071
00:47:42,653 --> 00:47:45,284
"That's not the question.
1072
00:47:45,318 --> 00:47:46,918
Say 'Have you anything
to declare?'"
1073
00:47:46,952 --> 00:47:48,652
"Okay. Have you anything
to declare?"
1074
00:47:48,686 --> 00:47:50,920
"Nothing but my genius."
"Whose are the butt plugs?"
1075
00:47:50,954 --> 00:47:52,888
"They're mine.
They're mine.
1076
00:47:52,922 --> 00:47:54,556
They're mine."
1077
00:47:57,125 --> 00:48:00,393
Incarcerated in reading jail
for homosexuality.
1078
00:48:00,427 --> 00:48:03,295
We've come a long way
from it being punishable
1079
00:48:03,331 --> 00:48:05,198
to total equality,
as it should be of course.
1080
00:48:05,231 --> 00:48:06,898
In England the gay
age of consent is the same
1081
00:48:06,934 --> 00:48:09,268
as heterosexuality now... 16.
1082
00:48:09,302 --> 00:48:11,035
And even gay marriage.
1083
00:48:11,070 --> 00:48:12,938
Although, ironically,
the one place
1084
00:48:12,972 --> 00:48:14,406
that was really
ahead of the game
1085
00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:17,608
fell behind a little at the
last election... California.
1086
00:48:17,641 --> 00:48:19,643
They had a referendum.
They put it to the vote
1087
00:48:19,677 --> 00:48:21,943
and they voted no
to gay marriage.
1088
00:48:21,978 --> 00:48:24,346
I mean, California
there's people going,
1089
00:48:24,380 --> 00:48:26,247
"That's why
we moved here."
1090
00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:28,849
I mean, it's a strange
sort of bigotry
1091
00:48:28,882 --> 00:48:30,817
that you can affect
someone else's lifestyle
1092
00:48:30,851 --> 00:48:32,117
that doesn't affect you back.
1093
00:48:32,152 --> 00:48:33,684
It's not like they asked
a bloke once,
1094
00:48:33,719 --> 00:48:36,052
said, "Sorry, do you mind
if these two men get married?"
1095
00:48:36,086 --> 00:48:38,389
He went, "No. Fine."
"Okay, Jack 'em then."
1096
00:48:38,422 --> 00:48:40,656
"What?
I didn't know that was..."
1097
00:48:40,690 --> 00:48:42,457
That doesn't happen, does it?
1098
00:48:42,492 --> 00:48:44,791
That doesn't happen.
1099
00:48:44,827 --> 00:48:46,560
It's also a strange
sort of bigotry
1100
00:48:46,594 --> 00:48:48,527
because these people
that object to that
1101
00:48:48,563 --> 00:48:50,463
were presumably
the same people that said
1102
00:48:50,496 --> 00:48:53,598
gay people were immoral
and promiscuous.
1103
00:48:53,632 --> 00:48:55,300
But now they don't want them
to be monogamous
1104
00:48:55,335 --> 00:48:56,869
and respectful
in the eyes of God.
1105
00:48:56,903 --> 00:48:59,172
And it must be so confusing
to a gay guy in California,
1106
00:48:59,206 --> 00:49:01,174
thinking, "That's the bit
they don't like.
1107
00:49:01,208 --> 00:49:03,976
With all the other shit we get
up to, it's the marriage bit."
1108
00:49:04,010 --> 00:49:05,110
They'd be so confused.
1109
00:49:05,146 --> 00:49:06,412
They must go to judges and go,
1110
00:49:06,447 --> 00:49:07,947
"Sorry, can I get
the rules straight?"
1111
00:49:07,981 --> 00:49:09,315
"What do you want
to know?"
1112
00:49:09,349 --> 00:49:10,883
"I just didn't know
what we can and can't do."
1113
00:49:10,916 --> 00:49:14,318
"Ask away."
"Can I marry a man?" "No."
1114
00:49:14,353 --> 00:49:15,820
"Can I fuck him up the ass
1115
00:49:15,853 --> 00:49:18,621
and give him
a little reach-round?"
1116
00:49:18,657 --> 00:49:20,757
"Please."
1117
00:49:23,527 --> 00:49:25,628
"I...
1118
00:49:25,661 --> 00:49:27,362
Can't marry him, no.
1119
00:49:27,396 --> 00:49:29,530
But I... and a little...
1120
00:49:29,565 --> 00:49:31,232
Can I...
1121
00:49:35,871 --> 00:49:38,838
Can... can I pick up
a stranger in the bushes
1122
00:49:38,873 --> 00:49:40,374
and take him home
and jizz on him
1123
00:49:40,407 --> 00:49:43,375
and throw him out in the morning
all crusty and homeless?"
1124
00:49:43,409 --> 00:49:45,177
"Of course you can, yeah."
1125
00:49:45,211 --> 00:49:46,679
"But I couldn't
marry him?"
1126
00:49:46,713 --> 00:49:48,313
"No."
( Retching )
1127
00:49:48,347 --> 00:49:51,248
"No, and don't ask again,
all right?"
1128
00:49:51,284 --> 00:49:54,519
"Can I line up 15 men..."
1129
00:49:54,552 --> 00:49:57,554
I'm just riffing here.
1130
00:49:57,588 --> 00:49:59,688
"Can I line up 15 men
1131
00:49:59,724 --> 00:50:03,059
and just jack 'em off
for a laugh?"
1132
00:50:03,094 --> 00:50:05,795
"If you want,
yeah yeah."
1133
00:50:05,829 --> 00:50:07,362
It would be difficult,
wouldn't it?
1134
00:50:07,398 --> 00:50:08,731
Jacking off 15 men at once.
1135
00:50:08,764 --> 00:50:11,031
It'd be like plate spinning,
wouldn't it?
1136
00:50:11,067 --> 00:50:12,766
No.
Because you'd have...
1137
00:50:12,800 --> 00:50:14,402
You could only do
two at once really.
1138
00:50:14,436 --> 00:50:16,604
So you'd have these two
ready to blow,
1139
00:50:16,637 --> 00:50:18,239
but then they'd be losing it.
1140
00:50:18,273 --> 00:50:21,208
And you'd go, "Fucking hell.
1141
00:50:21,242 --> 00:50:24,777
Here you go.
Oh, fucking hell.
1142
00:50:24,811 --> 00:50:27,278
All right, all right,
all right."
1143
00:50:31,050 --> 00:50:34,152
Ain't it knackering,
jacking off 15 men at once?
1144
00:50:34,186 --> 00:50:36,519
I never thought I'd say that.
1145
00:50:36,554 --> 00:50:39,455
Again. No.
1146
00:50:42,125 --> 00:50:45,594
There's these people that say,
"Being gay isn't natural."
1147
00:50:45,628 --> 00:50:49,263
Well, it is natural, and
I've got a book to prove it.
1148
00:50:51,931 --> 00:50:56,601
Homosexuality occurs
in about the same incidence
1149
00:50:56,635 --> 00:51:00,438
in the animal kingdom
as it does in human society.
1150
00:51:00,474 --> 00:51:01,907
This is a real book.
1151
00:51:01,940 --> 00:51:04,607
It's called
"Biological exuberance:
1152
00:51:04,643 --> 00:51:07,510
Animal homosexuality
and natural diversity"
1153
00:51:07,545 --> 00:51:09,913
by Bruce Bagemihl, okay?
1154
00:51:11,215 --> 00:51:12,681
"The evidence is compelling
1155
00:51:12,715 --> 00:51:15,083
and it seems there is
virtually no species
1156
00:51:15,117 --> 00:51:17,551
which does not have
its gay community."
1157
00:51:17,585 --> 00:51:20,286
That doesn't mean, like, chimps
on one particular street
1158
00:51:20,322 --> 00:51:21,822
wearing leather caps and stuff.
1159
00:51:21,856 --> 00:51:23,490
It just...
1160
00:51:25,326 --> 00:51:28,559
They sort of
spread it out more really.
1161
00:51:28,594 --> 00:51:30,028
This is a real book.
1162
00:51:30,061 --> 00:51:31,728
Can we have
the first slide, please?
1163
00:51:31,762 --> 00:51:34,697
Right. Okay?
1164
00:51:34,731 --> 00:51:36,632
Right.
1165
00:51:36,666 --> 00:51:39,402
This is a real book, okay?
1166
00:51:40,369 --> 00:51:44,172
Right?
Absolutely real, okay?
1167
00:51:47,576 --> 00:51:52,646
"Two male stump-tailed macaques
in mutual fellatio."
1168
00:51:52,681 --> 00:51:54,548
Mutual...
They're sharing.
1169
00:51:54,583 --> 00:51:57,050
They're sharing it round.
1170
00:51:57,085 --> 00:51:59,086
Next slide.
1171
00:51:59,119 --> 00:52:01,121
Okay.
1172
00:52:01,155 --> 00:52:03,790
"A male squirrel monkey, right,
1173
00:52:03,824 --> 00:52:07,360
performing a genital display
toward another male."
1174
00:52:07,393 --> 00:52:10,328
( Stammering )
I...
1175
00:52:10,329 --> 00:52:12,797
He's just going,
"What do you think of that?"
1176
00:52:13,833 --> 00:52:17,068
And this one's going,
"What?"
1177
00:52:18,538 --> 00:52:20,639
"Suck it."
1178
00:52:22,141 --> 00:52:23,574
Look at his little hand.
1179
00:52:23,610 --> 00:52:26,545
"Why?"
"Because we're gay."
1180
00:52:26,579 --> 00:52:29,081
"I'm not."
"You fuckin' are."
1181
00:52:29,114 --> 00:52:30,581
Look at the way
he's holding him.
1182
00:52:30,615 --> 00:52:33,284
And he's got his leg up
for extra purchase.
1183
00:52:33,318 --> 00:52:34,818
He's going, "Get in there.
1184
00:52:34,853 --> 00:52:38,055
Get in there.
Get in there."
1185
00:52:38,088 --> 00:52:40,856
Look at him.
( Gibbers )
1186
00:52:42,860 --> 00:52:45,829
Can you imagine face
when I discovered this book?
1187
00:52:45,864 --> 00:52:48,398
Oh my God.
( Giggling )
1188
00:52:51,302 --> 00:52:53,169
Next slide, please.
1189
00:52:53,204 --> 00:52:55,304
Ah, okay.
1190
00:52:56,739 --> 00:53:01,343
"A female Olympic marmot
mounting another female."
1191
00:53:01,378 --> 00:53:04,815
Now I don't know
what is in that
1192
00:53:04,849 --> 00:53:06,817
for either of them...
1193
00:53:06,851 --> 00:53:10,753
Unless the one on top
is wearing a strap-on dildo.
1194
00:53:16,094 --> 00:53:18,327
One more.
One more slide.
1195
00:53:18,362 --> 00:53:21,197
Oh, this is a doozy.
Okay.
1196
00:53:21,231 --> 00:53:25,034
"Two forms of copulation
between male dolphins:
1197
00:53:25,068 --> 00:53:29,005
Genital slit, or anal
penetration, above;
1198
00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:33,142
and below,
blowhole penetration."
1199
00:53:34,309 --> 00:53:37,577
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
1200
00:53:44,485 --> 00:53:48,454
Basically...
1201
00:53:48,489 --> 00:53:54,461
He is fucking him
1202
00:53:54,494 --> 00:53:56,395
in the head!
1203
00:53:56,429 --> 00:53:58,063
It's in the head.
1204
00:53:58,097 --> 00:54:00,666
He's fucking him
in the head, ladies...
1205
00:54:00,701 --> 00:54:03,702
I have never seen that
on any wildlife documentary.
1206
00:54:03,735 --> 00:54:07,239
I've never... Why have I never
seen that before?
1207
00:54:08,173 --> 00:54:11,476
Why are they doing that?
1208
00:54:11,510 --> 00:54:12,978
Maybe it's not in the wild.
1209
00:54:13,012 --> 00:54:15,713
Maybe it's in seaworld,
which is like their prison.
1210
00:54:20,351 --> 00:54:23,153
And they're going...
they're going,
1211
00:54:23,186 --> 00:54:25,521
"Fuck's sake,
they've put in two males.
1212
00:54:25,556 --> 00:54:27,190
Some people think we're fish.
1213
00:54:27,224 --> 00:54:29,992
We might as well
fucking do it."
1214
00:54:30,025 --> 00:54:33,261
I mean,
look at his face.
1215
00:54:33,295 --> 00:54:35,396
Like that.
1216
00:54:38,268 --> 00:54:40,969
He's going, "Dave."
1217
00:54:41,003 --> 00:54:43,671
"What?"
1218
00:54:43,704 --> 00:54:48,775
"Could... could we not do it
up the ass like them?"
1219
00:54:48,809 --> 00:54:52,145
"No. It's in the head
or nothing."
1220
00:54:52,181 --> 00:54:54,916
( Laughing )
1221
00:54:54,949 --> 00:54:56,716
"D-Dave?"
1222
00:54:56,751 --> 00:55:00,822
"What?! What?!"
1223
00:55:01,690 --> 00:55:03,891
"Dave, Dave,
1224
00:55:03,925 --> 00:55:07,027
I love you...
1225
00:55:07,063 --> 00:55:09,264
But I can't
fucking breathe."
1226
00:55:14,003 --> 00:55:16,939
That is a real book.
That is a real book.
1227
00:55:16,972 --> 00:55:19,074
Can we have the...
Look.
1228
00:55:20,976 --> 00:55:24,144
I love the fact that he found,
like, a turkey in drag
1229
00:55:24,179 --> 00:55:27,281
to show how gay
1230
00:55:27,315 --> 00:55:29,482
animals can be.
1231
00:55:29,518 --> 00:55:32,652
The gayest animal in the world.
1232
00:55:34,420 --> 00:55:37,155
I... I hope I haven't
offended anyone
1233
00:55:37,190 --> 00:55:40,458
with any of the subject...
No, I do. I do.
1234
00:55:40,492 --> 00:55:42,394
That's not the point.
I don't try and offend.
1235
00:55:42,429 --> 00:55:45,331
If I have offended anyone,
and I'm sure I have,
1236
00:55:45,365 --> 00:55:46,965
I don't apologize.
1237
00:55:47,001 --> 00:55:49,001
No, I think you shouldn't.
1238
00:55:49,034 --> 00:55:51,202
You have to be able to justify
everything you do.
1239
00:55:51,237 --> 00:55:53,238
I always think that a
comedian should take you
1240
00:55:53,271 --> 00:55:54,739
to taboo places
you haven't been before.
1241
00:55:54,773 --> 00:55:56,074
Otherwise you could
do it yourself.
1242
00:55:56,108 --> 00:55:57,542
There's enough
anodyne comedy out there...
1243
00:55:57,576 --> 00:56:00,144
Just doing things, obvious
stuff that, you know,
1244
00:56:00,177 --> 00:56:02,378
doesn't make
any difference at all.
1245
00:56:02,413 --> 00:56:04,280
And there's this
spate of comedians
1246
00:56:04,313 --> 00:56:06,181
saying sorry
when they go too far.
1247
00:56:06,215 --> 00:56:07,748
I just think, you know,
you should...
1248
00:56:07,782 --> 00:56:09,250
They go, "Oh, sorry,
I didn't mean it."
1249
00:56:09,284 --> 00:56:11,050
Well, you should've
known better then.
1250
00:56:11,085 --> 00:56:13,319
There's also a witch-hunt at
the moment with people saying,
1251
00:56:13,353 --> 00:56:15,687
"Is there anything you shouldn't make
a joke about?"
1252
00:56:15,722 --> 00:56:18,123
No, there's nothing
you shouldn't joke about.
1253
00:56:18,157 --> 00:56:20,258
It depends what the joke is.
1254
00:56:20,291 --> 00:56:23,393
( Cheering, applause )
1255
00:56:25,096 --> 00:56:27,597
Comedy comes from
a good or a bad place,
1256
00:56:27,632 --> 00:56:30,032
and it's for you to decide
what that is.
1257
00:56:30,067 --> 00:56:33,735
I think that there's a big
debate about sick jokes.
1258
00:56:33,769 --> 00:56:35,836
"Comedians doing
sick jokes."
1259
00:56:35,871 --> 00:56:37,972
Now the thing
about sick jokes...
1260
00:56:38,005 --> 00:56:41,307
When we tell a sick joke,
it's with the express understanding
1261
00:56:41,342 --> 00:56:43,809
that neither party
is really like that.
1262
00:56:43,844 --> 00:56:46,077
I wouldn't tell a sick joke
to a known pedophile.
1263
00:56:46,112 --> 00:56:47,579
I wouldn't go, "Here, mate,
1264
00:56:47,612 --> 00:56:49,681
you're gonna fuckin' love this
more than anyone, son."
1265
00:56:49,715 --> 00:56:51,816
Do you know what I...
1266
00:56:53,284 --> 00:56:55,286
I've never been in trouble
for anything I've said
1267
00:56:55,320 --> 00:56:57,187
in my professional career
because I refuse to apologize.
1268
00:56:57,221 --> 00:56:58,454
What can they do to you,
you know?
1269
00:56:58,489 --> 00:57:00,623
Growing up, you try...
try things out
1270
00:57:00,657 --> 00:57:02,791
and you get taken
the wrong way a little bit.
1271
00:57:02,824 --> 00:57:05,759
Not like the dolphin.
I mean, you know, not...
1272
00:57:08,028 --> 00:57:11,697
When I was about 23, 24,
1273
00:57:11,731 --> 00:57:14,399
me and my girlfriend met up
with this other couple.
1274
00:57:14,432 --> 00:57:16,699
They had moved down from the
north of England to London.
1275
00:57:16,733 --> 00:57:18,201
They used to come
in the place I used to work
1276
00:57:18,235 --> 00:57:19,535
and we had a couple of
drinks with them.
1277
00:57:19,568 --> 00:57:22,070
They were cool people
and they were fun.
1278
00:57:22,103 --> 00:57:24,070
After we had met them
a couple of times,
1279
00:57:24,106 --> 00:57:26,106
they invited us to a party
at their house.
1280
00:57:26,141 --> 00:57:27,340
And we went along.
1281
00:57:27,375 --> 00:57:28,541
One, it was a dinner party,
1282
00:57:28,574 --> 00:57:30,108
which they hadn't
warned us about.
1283
00:57:30,143 --> 00:57:32,610
But two, it was
for their family
1284
00:57:32,644 --> 00:57:35,179
that had come down from the north
to see how they were getting on.
1285
00:57:35,213 --> 00:57:37,815
And it was both of their
parents and grandparents
1286
00:57:37,849 --> 00:57:41,851
and great uncles...
average age about 85, right?
1287
00:57:41,885 --> 00:57:43,485
And I think we were
an afterthought.
1288
00:57:43,518 --> 00:57:45,718
They thought, "Oh God, we don't
know anyone our own age.
1289
00:57:45,753 --> 00:57:47,821
Oh, that Ricky and Jane."
So we went along.
1290
00:57:47,855 --> 00:57:49,322
And we were still
getting to know them,
1291
00:57:49,356 --> 00:57:50,656
so we just spoke to them
all night.
1292
00:57:50,690 --> 00:57:53,490
We didn't really mingle
with the older people.
1293
00:57:53,525 --> 00:57:58,293
And as I say,
we use comedy as a sword
1294
00:57:58,327 --> 00:58:00,827
and a shield and a medicine,
1295
00:58:00,862 --> 00:58:03,163
but usually
as a getting to know you.
1296
00:58:03,197 --> 00:58:04,697
We use comedy to break the ice.
1297
00:58:04,731 --> 00:58:07,532
Are you like-minded?
What can you take? What do you like?
1298
00:58:07,568 --> 00:58:09,368
And I've always pushed
the boundaries a little bit
1299
00:58:09,402 --> 00:58:11,903
to try and make people laugh at
things they didn't think they could.
1300
00:58:11,936 --> 00:58:16,505
But, you know... But then everything
turns out okay, I suppose.
1301
00:58:16,541 --> 00:58:21,177
I started off lightly.
I told this joke.
1302
00:58:21,210 --> 00:58:24,044
Why did the little girl
fall off the swing?
1303
00:58:24,079 --> 00:58:26,646
'Cause she had no arms.
1304
00:58:29,182 --> 00:58:31,416
Yeah, sweet.
1305
00:58:32,951 --> 00:58:34,918
And they laughed...
A little bit louder than that.
1306
00:58:34,952 --> 00:58:37,253
There was only two of them,
so thanks.
1307
00:58:37,288 --> 00:58:39,422
No. So I thought,
"Okay, they get it."
1308
00:58:39,456 --> 00:58:40,923
And so you up the ante
a little bit.
1309
00:58:40,956 --> 00:58:43,424
You push...
and I told this joke.
1310
00:58:43,458 --> 00:58:45,591
Ooh, I need a drink.
1311
00:58:46,994 --> 00:58:48,693
Start the car, seriously.
1312
00:58:48,728 --> 00:58:50,428
Right.
1313
00:58:53,898 --> 00:58:55,998
I told this joke.
1314
00:58:57,601 --> 00:59:00,269
Made sure the old people
couldn't hear, like that.
1315
00:59:00,304 --> 00:59:02,737
I went, "Okay, a father
is sitting at home,
1316
00:59:02,771 --> 00:59:04,271
just reading the newspaper.
1317
00:59:04,306 --> 00:59:07,373
His little girl comes running in.
She's only six.
1318
00:59:07,407 --> 00:59:09,273
'Hello, darling.'
'Hello, daddy.'
1319
00:59:09,307 --> 00:59:10,806
'You've been playing?'
'Yeah.'
1320
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:13,040
'In the park?'
'Yeah.'
1321
00:59:13,074 --> 00:59:15,875
'With your friends?'
'Well, until the man came along.'
1322
00:59:15,909 --> 00:59:17,643
'Till the man
came along?'
1323
00:59:17,677 --> 00:59:20,278
'Yeah, a man came along and he asked
my friends to leave,
1324
00:59:20,311 --> 00:59:21,945
so it was just
me and him.'
1325
00:59:21,980 --> 00:59:24,246
'Darling, come...
Come over.
1326
00:59:24,280 --> 00:59:26,648
Whatever happened,
none of it was your fault.
1327
00:59:26,682 --> 00:59:28,449
Okay, darling?
None of it was your fault.
1328
00:59:28,483 --> 00:59:31,085
But tell daddy every detail.
What happened?'
1329
00:59:31,119 --> 00:59:33,019
'Um, he took me behind a tree
1330
00:59:33,054 --> 00:59:34,521
so no one could see
what we were doing.'
1331
00:59:34,554 --> 00:59:36,588
'Oh God, darling.
And then what happened?'
1332
00:59:36,621 --> 00:59:38,388
'um, he took
my dress off.'
1333
00:59:38,422 --> 00:59:40,322
'Oh God. What happened next?
What happened?'
1334
00:59:40,358 --> 00:59:42,624
'Um, he took
his thing out.'
1335
00:59:42,657 --> 00:59:44,190
'Oh God, darling.
And then what happened?'
1336
00:59:44,226 --> 00:59:45,459
'Nothing.
That was it.'
1337
00:59:45,492 --> 00:59:48,126
'Oh well,
make something up.'"
1338
00:59:59,971 --> 01:00:02,172
- Cheers.
- Man:
Tell us some more, Rick
1339
01:00:02,206 --> 01:00:05,041
( cheering, applause )
1340
01:00:08,277 --> 01:00:11,279
Don't tell anyone that.
I want it to be a surprise.
1341
01:00:11,315 --> 01:00:13,682
So I told that joke.
Carried on,
1342
01:00:13,717 --> 01:00:15,550
getting a bit drunk
and telling jokes.
1343
01:00:15,585 --> 01:00:18,486
Eventually we sat down for the
meal at about a quarter to 10:00.
1344
01:00:18,521 --> 01:00:20,021
They put two tables together.
1345
01:00:20,056 --> 01:00:22,923
The hosts sat at either end
and they put me in the middle,
1346
01:00:22,958 --> 01:00:26,326
opposite this very sweet,
but very deaf 80-year-old man.
1347
01:00:26,360 --> 01:00:28,594
So the conversation
was a bit stilted.
1348
01:00:28,628 --> 01:00:30,563
After about 20 minutes,
Ian, one of the hosts,
1349
01:00:30,597 --> 01:00:32,565
pops up and says,
"Oh, Ricky, tell that joke."
1350
01:00:32,599 --> 01:00:34,400
I went, "What?"
1351
01:00:34,434 --> 01:00:36,602
All the old people went,
"Oh, we love jokes."
1352
01:00:36,637 --> 01:00:38,471
"Do you?"
1353
01:00:40,639 --> 01:00:42,440
I looked at Ian and Ian went,
"It'll be fine."
1354
01:00:42,474 --> 01:00:45,309
I went, "Okay." And he got on with
his conversation.
1355
01:00:45,344 --> 01:00:47,211
And so they're all like that.
1356
01:00:47,246 --> 01:00:52,749
I went, "Um, oh... Uh...
1357
01:00:52,782 --> 01:00:54,817
A father is sitting at home,
reading the paper.
1358
01:00:54,851 --> 01:00:57,286
A little girl comes running...
" Told the whole joke.
1359
01:00:57,320 --> 01:00:58,952
Got to the bit,
"Well, make something up."
1360
01:00:58,987 --> 01:01:00,887
They went, ahem.
Silence.
1361
01:01:00,922 --> 01:01:04,623
I looked at Ian, he went,
"Not that one!"
1362
01:01:04,657 --> 01:01:06,458
Thank you so much.
You've been fantastic.
1363
01:01:06,492 --> 01:01:07,960
Good night.
1364
01:01:07,994 --> 01:01:11,130
( Cheering, whistling )
1365
01:01:28,481 --> 01:01:31,415
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
1366
01:01:31,449 --> 01:01:33,649
Thank you so much.
Cheers.
1367
01:01:33,684 --> 01:01:36,686
Thank you.
Fantastic.
1368
01:01:37,563 --> 01:01:39,722
Thank you so much.
1369
01:01:39,757 --> 01:01:42,892
I fucking love Chicago.
Isn't it brilliant?
1370
01:01:42,927 --> 01:01:45,728
- Isn't it amazing?
- ( Cheering )
1371
01:01:45,762 --> 01:01:47,529
I've had just the best time.
1372
01:01:47,565 --> 01:01:48,932
Thank you...
Thank you so much.
1373
01:01:48,965 --> 01:01:50,799
I'll tell you,
I'd risk coming again
1374
01:01:50,833 --> 01:01:52,900
through volcanic ash clouds...
anything to get here.
1375
01:01:52,936 --> 01:01:55,070
It's fantastic...
terrorist attack.
1376
01:01:55,105 --> 01:01:58,173
I've actually always been a
nervous flyer, to be honest.
1377
01:01:58,208 --> 01:02:01,476
I flew a few weeks
after 9-11.
1378
01:02:01,510 --> 01:02:04,446
After 9-11,
1379
01:02:04,480 --> 01:02:06,880
the world went a little
bit crazy, you know?
1380
01:02:06,914 --> 01:02:08,449
Understandably.
The rules changed
1381
01:02:08,483 --> 01:02:10,951
and there was a lot
of anger and fear
1382
01:02:10,985 --> 01:02:13,186
and confusion
and finger-pointing.
1383
01:02:13,221 --> 01:02:14,887
And I had always
considered myself
1384
01:02:14,922 --> 01:02:17,690
quite a rational,
liberal sort of guy,
1385
01:02:17,724 --> 01:02:21,193
and I tried to remain
that way after 9-11.
1386
01:02:21,226 --> 01:02:23,429
And even in the pub with mates
1387
01:02:23,463 --> 01:02:25,498
I'd be the one who was going,
"No, you can't say that.
1388
01:02:25,532 --> 01:02:27,733
No, that's a generalization.
That's ridiculous.
1389
01:02:27,768 --> 01:02:29,568
No, that's unfair.
1390
01:02:29,603 --> 01:02:31,371
You can't tar everyone
with the same brush.
1391
01:02:31,405 --> 01:02:33,973
No, it's still the safest
form of transport.
1392
01:02:34,007 --> 01:02:35,907
It's 60 million to one,
the chance of a..."
1393
01:02:35,942 --> 01:02:39,110
You know, trying to be rational.
That's in a pub.
1394
01:02:39,144 --> 01:02:41,913
When I'm flying it's more like,
"Check him again.
1395
01:02:41,947 --> 01:02:44,047
Can we check him again?
1396
01:02:46,085 --> 01:02:48,318
He's getting on this...
Do you mind if I check him?
1397
01:02:48,353 --> 01:02:50,721
Can I just...
can I just..."
1398
01:02:53,190 --> 01:02:57,026
After 9-11,
with all the checks,
1399
01:02:57,061 --> 01:02:59,161
I still tried to remain
rational and philosophical.
1400
01:02:59,195 --> 01:03:01,596
I was thinking, "Right, it's
harder now than it ever was
1401
01:03:01,630 --> 01:03:03,264
to get a bomb on the plane.
1402
01:03:03,298 --> 01:03:06,568
This is... You know, the restrictions
are tight. It's safer now."
1403
01:03:06,603 --> 01:03:08,436
And then I found out
that a terrorist
1404
01:03:08,472 --> 01:03:10,273
doesn't even have to get on
the plane now with a bomb.
1405
01:03:10,306 --> 01:03:11,940
They found
heat-seeking missiles,
1406
01:03:11,976 --> 01:03:14,678
and they could just park up
in some sort of lay-by
1407
01:03:14,711 --> 01:03:17,414
and take the plane out within the
first 10 minutes of take-off.
1408
01:03:17,447 --> 01:03:18,913
So now I'd be
on the plane going,
1409
01:03:18,949 --> 01:03:22,451
"Right, we're out of range.
Who's got the bomb?"
1410
01:03:22,485 --> 01:03:25,721
As I said,
I flew a couple of weeks
1411
01:03:25,755 --> 01:03:28,289
after 9-11,
internal flight.
1412
01:03:28,324 --> 01:03:31,192
We're up in the air.
I had done the thing.
1413
01:03:31,228 --> 01:03:33,061
"We're out of range.
Right, okay."
1414
01:03:33,096 --> 01:03:35,798
I was still a bit nervous
and I said to the air hostess...
1415
01:03:35,833 --> 01:03:38,867
I said, "Have you got
any magazines?"
1416
01:03:38,902 --> 01:03:42,405
Think of this. She said, quite loud,
quite blasé...
1417
01:03:42,438 --> 01:03:45,407
she said, "No, honey,
we've got no magazines.
1418
01:03:45,443 --> 01:03:47,810
We've had to undertake
severe cutbacks
1419
01:03:47,844 --> 01:03:51,380
because we're one of the
companies being sued over 9-11."
1420
01:03:51,414 --> 01:03:54,682
One: Don't mention 9-11.
1421
01:03:54,717 --> 01:03:57,419
Surely a new rule book
went round.
1422
01:03:57,452 --> 01:03:59,954
"Don't mention 9-11 when you're
handing out the coffee."
1423
01:03:59,989 --> 01:04:01,623
Do you know what I mean?
Right?
1424
01:04:01,657 --> 01:04:04,626
Two: Don't say
"Severe cutbacks."
1425
01:04:04,659 --> 01:04:06,893
Severe cutbacks...
if someone says that,
1426
01:04:06,929 --> 01:04:08,663
I don't think
of magazines anymore.
1427
01:04:08,697 --> 01:04:11,298
I think of a bloke in an aircraft
hangar earlier that week going,
1428
01:04:11,333 --> 01:04:12,800
"Do we really need
all these rivets?"
1429
01:04:12,833 --> 01:04:17,502
It's just...
What terrible bedside manner.
1430
01:04:17,538 --> 01:04:19,838
I mean, I take first-class
flights everywhere.
1431
01:04:19,873 --> 01:04:21,474
I know you wouldn't
have it any other way.
1432
01:04:21,507 --> 01:04:23,442
I do it for you, really.
1433
01:04:25,610 --> 01:04:29,380
Some of the flights I take
cost 10,000 pounds, okay?
1434
01:04:29,414 --> 01:04:32,650
And for 10,000 pounds,
in a disaster
1435
01:04:32,684 --> 01:04:35,619
I expect the front end of my plane
that I'm in to gently break off
1436
01:04:35,653 --> 01:04:38,222
and float down
to a desert island.
1437
01:04:40,791 --> 01:04:42,324
It doesn't.
1438
01:04:42,360 --> 01:04:44,294
I'd die with the rest
of you fucking loss.
1439
01:04:44,327 --> 01:04:47,829
That's not fair, is it?
1440
01:04:47,864 --> 01:04:50,365
I know you'd try to save me,
but you couldn't.
1441
01:04:50,400 --> 01:04:52,767
We'd just be on the news.
1442
01:04:52,802 --> 01:04:55,303
I'd probably be the only one who'd
get name-checked on the news.
1443
01:04:55,338 --> 01:04:58,339
You'd be "230 others,"
which is some consolation.
1444
01:05:00,275 --> 01:05:04,510
But anyway...
So, okay.
1445
01:05:04,545 --> 01:05:08,613
Once I was flying back
from New York...
1446
01:05:08,648 --> 01:05:12,916
9:25, a Saturday night,
J.F.K. to London Heathrow,
1447
01:05:12,951 --> 01:05:14,650
b.A., first class.
1448
01:05:14,686 --> 01:05:19,155
Okay, now this is my point.
1449
01:05:19,188 --> 01:05:23,090
It's fear that threatens
rational thought, I think.
1450
01:05:23,126 --> 01:05:25,059
I'm there.
1451
01:05:25,094 --> 01:05:27,061
Now the whole week
leading up to that flight...
1452
01:05:27,096 --> 01:05:28,596
I don't know if you remember it
1453
01:05:28,630 --> 01:05:30,197
or it's happened
more than once.
1454
01:05:30,231 --> 01:05:31,867
It was a couple of years ago.
1455
01:05:31,900 --> 01:05:33,902
On every news channel
in America
1456
01:05:33,936 --> 01:05:35,436
there was a rolling tickertape
1457
01:05:35,471 --> 01:05:37,905
that said
"America on red alert.
1458
01:05:37,938 --> 01:05:39,405
We've had intel
there's going to be
1459
01:05:39,440 --> 01:05:41,540
another 9-11
in a major city,
1460
01:05:41,576 --> 01:05:44,376
probably New York or L.A.
this weekend.
1461
01:05:44,411 --> 01:05:47,045
Do not fly unless
you absolutely had to."
1462
01:05:47,079 --> 01:05:48,913
I had to.
I was filming.
1463
01:05:48,947 --> 01:05:50,581
And...
1464
01:05:52,050 --> 01:05:53,518
( Laughs )
Right?
1465
01:05:53,552 --> 01:05:58,255
So I'm the only one
in the first-class lounge,
1466
01:05:58,289 --> 01:06:00,356
and I still tried
to remain rational.
1467
01:06:00,391 --> 01:06:02,525
I was thinking,
"No, it's safer now.
1468
01:06:02,559 --> 01:06:04,527
Everyone's looking
for a terrorist today.
1469
01:06:04,561 --> 01:06:06,262
They'll leave it
till Monday."
1470
01:06:06,295 --> 01:06:08,364
Right?
1471
01:06:08,398 --> 01:06:11,733
And then it happened... the thing that
threatened my rational thought.
1472
01:06:11,766 --> 01:06:14,034
I had a little... a bit
of a mini-breakdown.
1473
01:06:14,068 --> 01:06:16,969
Into the first-class lounge,
about 30 minutes
1474
01:06:17,005 --> 01:06:18,905
before boarding, came this guy.
1475
01:06:18,940 --> 01:06:20,907
I don't whether
he was north African
1476
01:06:20,940 --> 01:06:22,841
or Middle Eastern or Asian,
1477
01:06:22,876 --> 01:06:25,777
but he had all the gear, right?
1478
01:06:28,347 --> 01:06:32,650
Beard,
steel attaché case, okay?
1479
01:06:32,684 --> 01:06:35,452
And here's your
middle-class liberal.
1480
01:06:35,487 --> 01:06:37,588
I went...
1481
01:06:43,626 --> 01:06:45,594
I was suddenly engaging staff
1482
01:06:45,628 --> 01:06:48,563
in banal conversation,
going, "Flight on time?"
1483
01:06:48,597 --> 01:06:50,997
They're going, "Yeah."
"What's the weather like in London?"
1484
01:06:51,032 --> 01:06:53,999
Like they were gonna go,
"It's a bit cloudy, but... There he is!"
1485
01:06:54,034 --> 01:06:55,867
Right?
1486
01:06:55,902 --> 01:06:57,735
Didn't happen.
So I'm left there, right?
1487
01:06:57,771 --> 01:07:01,573
I'm looking over at him
and I'm thinking of all the...
1488
01:07:01,606 --> 01:07:03,974
The running up to it
and the week coming up to...
1489
01:07:04,009 --> 01:07:05,476
All the news and everything.
1490
01:07:05,510 --> 01:07:07,711
But now there's a fight
between good and evil,
1491
01:07:07,744 --> 01:07:10,480
between rational
and irrational.
1492
01:07:10,514 --> 01:07:14,884
This one goes, "Ooh,
that's a suicide bomber."
1493
01:07:14,918 --> 01:07:17,119
"Oh, don't be stupid.
Of course it isn't."
1494
01:07:17,153 --> 01:07:19,255
"It is."
"How do you know?"
1495
01:07:19,289 --> 01:07:21,490
"That's what
they look like."
1496
01:07:23,960 --> 01:07:25,827
"What?"
1497
01:07:25,862 --> 01:07:27,729
"Beard."
1498
01:07:29,565 --> 01:07:31,032
"Don't be stupid,
all right?"
1499
01:07:31,067 --> 01:07:32,532
Then he makes a phone call.
1500
01:07:32,568 --> 01:07:34,201
I couldn't understand
what he was saying,
1501
01:07:34,235 --> 01:07:36,069
but he sounded a bit angry.
1502
01:07:36,103 --> 01:07:38,638
This one goes,
"Oh, he made a phone call!"
1503
01:07:38,672 --> 01:07:40,673
This one, "No, you just made
a phone call."
1504
01:07:40,708 --> 01:07:44,309
"Yeah, but not
in foreign."
1505
01:07:44,344 --> 01:07:46,945
"Shut up, all right?
He's been checked.
1506
01:07:46,980 --> 01:07:48,646
Like the rest of us,
he's been checked."
1507
01:07:48,681 --> 01:07:50,914
"Did they check the beard?"
"Yeah, they checked the beard.
1508
01:07:50,949 --> 01:07:53,550
Yeah, they checked
the beard."
1509
01:07:53,585 --> 01:07:56,019
Then I'm looking at him...
Must have been absent-minded
1510
01:07:56,054 --> 01:07:57,521
with all this going on
in my head.
1511
01:07:57,554 --> 01:08:00,222
He catches me looking
and he does this.
1512
01:08:02,626 --> 01:08:05,694
It goes, "Oh, he knows,
he knows!" Right?
1513
01:08:05,728 --> 01:08:07,695
This one goes, "No, he knows
why you're looking at him.
1514
01:08:07,730 --> 01:08:10,030
He's had that prejudice for months now.
Stop looking at him."
1515
01:08:10,065 --> 01:08:13,067
"Ooh, the beard."
"Yeah... " Right?
1516
01:08:13,101 --> 01:08:15,402
But this one starts winning.
1517
01:08:15,436 --> 01:08:18,904
The fear starts beating all the
rational thought in the world.
1518
01:08:18,938 --> 01:08:20,605
It starts going,
"No, but it could be."
1519
01:08:20,640 --> 01:08:22,574
"Well yeah, it could be.
Probably not."
1520
01:08:22,608 --> 01:08:25,510
"Well, no.
The stats are up today."
1521
01:08:25,543 --> 01:08:28,811
"Yeah, but still,
it won't happen..."
1522
01:08:28,845 --> 01:08:30,479
"Don't say it won't
happen to us.
1523
01:08:30,514 --> 01:08:32,347
The people of 9-11 said
it wouldn't happen to them."
1524
01:08:32,381 --> 01:08:33,381
"Yeah,
but all the tests..."
1525
01:08:33,416 --> 01:08:34,548
"Yeah well, they find new ways
1526
01:08:34,583 --> 01:08:35,951
of getting through
our detection.
1527
01:08:35,984 --> 01:08:37,917
Then we have to up the game."
"Yeah, you're right."
1528
01:08:37,953 --> 01:08:41,222
And suddenly I thought,
"Oh my God, this is it. This is it."
1529
01:08:41,256 --> 01:08:43,990
That wave of nausea,
and you suddenly realize,
1530
01:08:44,024 --> 01:08:46,892
"Oh my God,
I'm witnessing this..."
1531
01:08:46,926 --> 01:08:50,562
this one goes,
"Okay, right, let's report him."
1532
01:08:50,595 --> 01:08:52,629
This one goes, "No."
1533
01:08:52,663 --> 01:08:54,364
"Why?"
1534
01:08:54,399 --> 01:08:57,000
"In case someone think
we're racist."
1535
01:08:57,935 --> 01:08:59,502
"No, fuck that.
1536
01:08:59,537 --> 01:09:03,106
Let's report him
and be a wrong, embarrassed,
1537
01:09:03,140 --> 01:09:06,876
live racist,
just in case."
1538
01:09:08,478 --> 01:09:10,545
And I go, "No."
So I don't.
1539
01:09:10,578 --> 01:09:13,081
And so now I think
he is a suicide bomber.
1540
01:09:13,114 --> 01:09:15,048
I think I'm gonna
get on the plane and die,
1541
01:09:15,083 --> 01:09:16,583
but I'm not gonna do
anything about it.
1542
01:09:16,618 --> 01:09:17,885
I'm nearly in tears.
1543
01:09:17,920 --> 01:09:19,653
And all this happens
in a few moments.
1544
01:09:19,688 --> 01:09:23,023
I look over and he's joined by
his wife who's got all the gear
1545
01:09:23,056 --> 01:09:26,492
and his two little girls.
1546
01:09:26,527 --> 01:09:30,362
And I suddenly go, "Oh, of course
he's not a fucking suicide bomber.
1547
01:09:30,396 --> 01:09:32,363
If you're off to see
72 virgins,
1548
01:09:32,398 --> 01:09:34,131
you don't take
the wife and kids along."
1549
01:09:34,166 --> 01:09:37,768
Right?
So... No.
1550
01:09:39,337 --> 01:09:42,405
I got on the plane, and of
course he wasn't a terrorist.
1551
01:09:42,439 --> 01:09:44,940
I was a bit embarrassed and
I saw the funny side of it.
1552
01:09:44,975 --> 01:09:46,442
I was relieved and everything.
1553
01:09:46,475 --> 01:09:48,443
He was a businessman
and a family man.
1554
01:09:48,478 --> 01:09:49,944
He was playing
with his two little girls
1555
01:09:49,979 --> 01:09:52,347
who kept running up and down
and banging into my chair.
1556
01:09:52,381 --> 01:09:54,415
He wasn't doing anything
about that at all.
1557
01:09:54,449 --> 01:09:56,184
Nothing about that at all.
1558
01:09:56,217 --> 01:09:59,353
He was chasing 'em and they were
squealing really high, going through...
1559
01:09:59,386 --> 01:10:00,820
After half an hour,
I was hoping
1560
01:10:00,854 --> 01:10:03,488
someone would blow the fucking
plane up, to be honest.
1561
01:10:06,426 --> 01:10:09,560
But a really weird thing
happened during that period.
1562
01:10:09,595 --> 01:10:12,896
I got so paranoid
about terrorist attack
1563
01:10:12,931 --> 01:10:14,898
that I started taking
private jets
1564
01:10:14,934 --> 01:10:18,502
and helicopters everywhere,
just because I was so rich.
1565
01:10:18,536 --> 01:10:20,936
No no.
1566
01:10:20,971 --> 01:10:22,505
No.
1567
01:10:22,539 --> 01:10:26,242
No, again, my philosophy was
1568
01:10:26,277 --> 01:10:28,043
I'm the only person
on this plane
1569
01:10:28,078 --> 01:10:29,912
and I definitely
haven't got a bomb,
1570
01:10:29,945 --> 01:10:32,479
so we're all right, you know.
1571
01:10:32,515 --> 01:10:35,783
I was taking
a helicopter one day
1572
01:10:35,817 --> 01:10:39,051
and I was waiting
on the helipad.
1573
01:10:39,087 --> 01:10:40,687
Rewind two days before that.
1574
01:10:40,720 --> 01:10:43,822
I'm at home, having my
cereal, my cheerios,
1575
01:10:43,856 --> 01:10:45,190
and there's
a carton of milk there
1576
01:10:45,225 --> 01:10:46,992
with the missing person
things on the back.
1577
01:10:47,025 --> 01:10:48,726
And I've seen
a thousand of them.
1578
01:10:48,761 --> 01:10:52,130
This one was different because it was a
missing child, which is always sadder.
1579
01:10:52,163 --> 01:10:53,997
Well no, it's sad
when anyone goes missing.
1580
01:10:54,032 --> 01:10:55,498
But presumably,
because of her age,
1581
01:10:55,532 --> 01:10:57,899
this was an abduction
and, you know.
1582
01:10:57,934 --> 01:11:00,635
It was also the language.
It was a plea from the mother.
1583
01:11:00,668 --> 01:11:03,171
It was the wording.
She just said
1584
01:11:03,204 --> 01:11:05,038
the name of the little girl,
which I won't say.
1585
01:11:05,073 --> 01:11:09,777
I remember it, and the day and
place where she was last seen.
1586
01:11:09,810 --> 01:11:13,279
And she just said,
"Five years old,
1587
01:11:13,314 --> 01:11:15,948
blonde hair, blue eyes,
always happy.
1588
01:11:15,983 --> 01:11:17,416
Please help me."
1589
01:11:17,451 --> 01:11:18,917
And it must have
stayed with me.
1590
01:11:18,952 --> 01:11:20,686
Two days later, I'm there.
1591
01:11:20,720 --> 01:11:23,822
It's like a wharf development,
waiting for this helicopter.
1592
01:11:23,856 --> 01:11:25,356
And I'm looking down
1593
01:11:25,390 --> 01:11:29,125
onto some disused
warehouse space.
1594
01:11:29,161 --> 01:11:31,194
I look in one, right?
1595
01:11:31,229 --> 01:11:33,163
Someone had put up
a brown blanket
1596
01:11:33,197 --> 01:11:34,663
with this duct tape.
1597
01:11:34,698 --> 01:11:36,132
It was like a curtain.
1598
01:11:36,166 --> 01:11:38,967
And it had fallen away
and I can see in.
1599
01:11:39,002 --> 01:11:40,669
This is a true story.
1600
01:11:40,703 --> 01:11:43,137
It's an empty room
apart from a mattress.
1601
01:11:43,171 --> 01:11:46,306
And on the mattress is a little
girl with her hands tied.
1602
01:11:46,341 --> 01:11:48,942
And my fucking heart...
1603
01:11:48,976 --> 01:11:50,577
Five years old, five years old.
1604
01:11:50,610 --> 01:11:53,613
Blonde hair, blonde hair.
Blue eyes, blue eyes.
1605
01:11:53,646 --> 01:11:56,548
Always happy,
crying her eyes out.
1606
01:12:03,855 --> 01:12:05,555
What?
1607
01:12:05,590 --> 01:12:07,423
It... it couldn't
have been her.
1608
01:12:07,457 --> 01:12:09,091
I left it.
1609
01:12:09,126 --> 01:12:10,592
Thanks very much.
You've been amazing.
1610
01:12:10,627 --> 01:12:12,795
Goodnight, Chicago.
Cheers!
1611
01:12:12,829 --> 01:12:15,497
Thank you.
Cheers.
1612
01:12:16,533 --> 01:12:18,066
Oh, thank...
Thank you so much.
1613
01:12:18,100 --> 01:12:19,067
Thank you so much.
1614
01:12:19,100 --> 01:12:22,202
Thank you.
Cheers.
1615
01:12:22,238 --> 01:12:24,338
Thank you.
1616
01:12:28,542 --> 01:12:30,643
Cheers, everyone.
1617
01:12:34,715 --> 01:12:36,414
Goodnight, everyone.
Thank you.
1618
01:12:36,449 --> 01:12:46,592
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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