All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e10 Second Chunce.eng

Andy got back from London two days ago
and he still has jet lag.

It's really annoying.

We're on totally different
schedules.

Last night he mowed the lawn
at 2:00 in the morning.

Andy!
Andy!

- Get me a beer?
- All right.

As soon as I wake up,

he goes down.
Hard.

This has to stop!

- [Snores]
- Babe, wake up.

That's my spaghetti, Chewbacca.

Babe!

[Clanging]

You hungry, Champion?

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

Hey. Oh, man,
I fell asleep again.

Andy, you have got to stay up

and get on a regular schedule.

Were you about to spray me
with the hose inside the house?

- Yeah.
- I kinda want you to do it now.

- Okay.
- Aah! Aah!

- Aaahhh!
- [Shouting]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

[Screaming]

[Triumphant music]

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Okay, just a reminder, guys,
today is Leslie's last day

as a city councilor,

so everyone be extra supportive.

Already done.

When she walked past me
this morning,

I gave her a kind nod.

Heartwarming.

Also I want to get her
a present to cheer her up

on her last day.

Any ideas?

A "sorry you lost
your dream job" gift?

Mm, that's a tough one.
Stay away from wine.

Wine is crying juice.

Well, I mean, you know her
better than anybody.

What does she really want?
More than anything in the world?

A nice candle.
I'm screwed.

- [Gasps]
- No! Andy!

- An-Andy!
- Oh! Come on!

- Andy!
- Be right out.

Well, this is the
Pawnee City Council chambers.

Your new home away from me.

Well, technically, my home
away from home is in Zurich.

Frank Gehry designed it.
But this is nice too.

Today is my last day

[hoarsely]
As a--excuse me.

[Clears throat]
Let me try this again.

Today is [Hoarsely]
my last day at C--

[full voice]
Today is my la--

[high pitched]
Today is my last d--

You know what?
You get the idea.

My old friend Ingrid de Forest
won the recall vote,

and she's taking my place
on Monday morning.

But, you know, luckily for me,

I've processed all my feelings.

And I've gone through
the five stages of grief:

Denial, anger,
Internet commenting,

cat adoption, African dance,

cat returning
to the adoption place,

watching all the episodes
of Murphy Brown,

and not giving a flying fart.

How many stages is that?

I don't know.

The point is I'm fine now.

This must be hard for you.

It's like what
sir Ian McKellen said to me

the day I sold my boat
to Karl Lagerfeld:

"Parting is such sweet sorrow."

Oh, my God.
What is your life?

If it makes any difference,

your work here
was a real inspiration to me,

and I am going to do my best
to continue your legacy.

Well, I appreciate
the sentiment.

[Exhales]

- Leslie.
- [Gasps]

I'm sorry.
Was I singing

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
out loud?

No. But would you like to?

I studied opera at the Sorbonne.

I'd be happy to harmonize.

[Sings] Goodbye...

[Sings operatically]
Goodbye...

Naw.

And finally,

here is a check
for the entirety

of the purchase
of Rent-A-Swag.

And here is a personal note

from my client
Dr. Saperstein.

"Dear Tom:
I win.

"You suck.
Turn note over.

"You still suck.

Turn note over."

Okay, Saperstein
couldn't even face me himself?

He had to send in his lackey?

My client isn't at this meeting

because he doesn't have to be.

Successful people,
Mr. Haverford,

use their money to use others
to work for them.

Hmm, it's an interesting idea,
lawyer-dude.

What if I gave you 5 bucks
to put a bag of poop

in Saperstein's car?

No.
[Locks click]

Ballpark me.
How much would it cost?

$10,000.

Counter-offer:

Why don't you just do it
for the story?

Goodbye, Mr. Haverford.

Is it done?

Well, how many times
did he turn the paper over?

Oh, that is disappointing.

So...

look at this baby.

That is
the most symmetrical fetus

I've ever seen.

This could be a superhero.

- Dr. Saperstein.
- Yes.

I know that we should hate you

because you destroyed
our friend's business.

- But we love you so much!
- We love you!

I'm loveable!

So do you wanna know the sex?

Oh, my God.
Should we?

N-no, right?
Or maybe yes?

Is there an option
other than yes or no?

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna write it down.

Then I'm gonna put it
in an envelope,

seal it, and when you're ready,

voila!

- That'll be fun!
- That's like the Oscars.

[Laughs]
Hey, let's get some food.

I'm starving.

Wait, no, I have to pee.

Wait, no, I have to barf.

Actually, all three.

Being pregnant is great.

And, finally, Larry's share
of the profit.

Whoa! Good to be Larry.

No, it's not,
you boring grandpa.

Meanwhile, Tommy's ridin' high.

$32,000.

I'm basically a millionaire.

What are you gonna do
with the money, Tom?

Glad you asked.

A horrible man recently gave me
some great advice.

For years, I've been coming up
with my own ideas.

Like some sort of
non-rich idiot.

Now I'm gonna let people
come to me

and invest my scrilla
in the best idea I hear.

That sounds like

an efficient use
of the free market.

I would wish you
the best of luck,

but I believe luck is
a concept invented by the weak

to explain their failures.

Come hear the ideas
with me, Ron.

I could use your wise,
grandfatherly advice.

Do you think everyone here
is a grandfather?

Basically, if you're
older than me,

you're a grandpa.

And if you are a grandpa,
you're dead.

That sounds right.

Uh, oops.

This check is made out
to "Lenny,"

which I think is a typo
for "Larry,"

which isn't
even actually my name.

[Laughs] Well, tell it
to the bank, Lenny.

Am I--am I Lenny now?

I'd like to order
a singing telegram.

Well, my wife lost her job,
so maybe something sad and slow.

Do you know anything from

The Requiem for a Dream
soundtrack?

This is a bad idea.

I'm hanging up now. Bye.

Well, Ingrid is settled
into my office,

and this box contains
the last of my stuff.

Although I might have left
some salt packets in my desk.

Maybe I should go back
for those?

Honey, it's okay,
there'll be other salt packets.

But not the kind
that snaps in half, maybe.

Okay, I know
I'm a broken record,

but getting away
from the City Council

is absolutely
the best thing for you.

Trust me.

This is Perd Hapley
talking to you now

about what's going on today.

We're live at City Hall

where City Councilman Dexhart
is addressing

his latest sex scandal.

Recently, certain allegations
have come to light

about my inappropriate conduct.

I'm here
to set the record straight.

I totally did all of it.

Another sex scandal?
This guy's unbelievable.

How does he find the time?

I also engaged in
inappropriate texting,

sexting,
and tex-mexting,

which is where you send
photos of your junk

from the restroom
of a chili's to go.

- Hmm.
- Ew.

Does this make me a bad boy?

You tell me.

No. Really.

Tell me.

It gets me off
when women tell me that.

He's reading this,
he wrote this down.

I sent these texts
to roughly 100 women

under the following pseudonyms:
[Clears throat]

Enrique Shockwave,

Willie Dynamite,

Lee Harvey Teabag...

Well, at least
you won't have to deal

with that guy anymore.

- You're right.
- Lieutenant Wilhelm Von Penis.

Not after someone beats him
in the next election.

Someone who is smart
and hard-working

and who knows the job
because she's done it already

and is also blond
and named Leslie

and loves you.

- Is it you?
- Yes! It is!

I'm gonna run again.

I'm gonna beat Dexhart!

And Anthony Weiner.

Another City Council campaign?

Leslie, think about what you're saying.

I did. I challenge you
to find one flaw in my plan.

Well, for one,

we don't even live
in Dexhart's district.

Not yet!

But we can go and rent
a second apartment,

and we can spend 51%
of our time there.

And then I'll file
the campaign form

from that address.

I don't want to spend 51%
of our time in his district.

It's basically a dumping ground
for old shipping containers.

It's like a raccoon shantytown.

Oh, it's not that bad.

And also, Dexhart fights dirty.

He's never lost an election

because he runs brutal,
scorched-earth campaigns.

So what? I got plenty
of dirt on that scumbag.

I say, "Bring it on."

So I'm gonna start

my negative PR blitz
against Dexhart and--

Look, I just think we need
to take a deep breath...

Think about
if this is really worth it.

Anything is worth me
getting back on City Council.

Okay.
[Claps once]

Let's see which one
of these lucky visionaries

is gonna make me rich.

Greg Phillips!

Hi, guys, thanks
for meeting with me.

Enough chitchat. What's
your pitch, kid?

Come on, time is money,
money is power,

power is pizza,
pizza is knowledge.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

So my idea is for an abacus,
but on your phone.

I call it a "phone-bacus."

Son, you just described
a calculator.

Hey, but you're talking
about it, right?

Three words:

Automated word counter.

Get out.

[Robotic voice]
Two. Words.

- No.
- One. Word.

As you may know,

I do like to tinker with things
in my garage.

I'm gonna hit the can
while he's up.

So I think I have discovered

a way to generate
clean, renewable energy.

I think it's gonna ch--

[sneezes]

Oh! Gross!

God, Larry.

You sneezed all over us!

I'm not gonna buy that thing.

It's covered in a gallon
of your boogers.

I totally understand.

[Sneezes]

Uh, jeez.

I will be thrilled
if we have a girl.

Oh, tiny dresses?

Braids?
Glitter on everything?

Forget it.

And also, girls' names
are so cute.

Daisy, Annabelle, Lilly.

Olive, rosemary, chicken.
Fifty burritos.

Oh, my God, I'm starving.
Miss, hi!

I'm pregnant, and I'm
a little bit crazy.

So if you don't bring
our appetizers out

in the next 30 seconds,

I'm gonna plunge your face
into the deep fryer!

And also two waters, please.

But no hurry.

Thank you.

Leslie, I don't know
if there's a story

in these emails.

They're iffy,

but Dexhart
has been elected eight times.

I don't think the voters care.

His poll numbers are actually up
since the scandal broke.

Well, that's
just because people found out

he was Miley Cyrus' cousin.

- He is?
- Good morning, Leslie.

"Sweet jugs."

What?

He's kinda cute.

Oh, God, Shauna, no.

I-I just feel like
I could fix him, you know?

[Puffs]

This sucks!

We heard a hundred pitches,
and they're all terrible.

Change of plans.

You guys are my idea factory.

- April, go.
- Okay, got one.

Macaroni and poison.

It's like mac and cheese,
but with a special ingredient.

Ron?

Every socket set
I've ever bought

only goes up to 1/2 inch.

I'd love a couple larger sizes.

Take it all the way up to 5/8.

Andy?

Bears bouncing
on trampoline roads.

There's a chance
that I might have dreamed that.

Okay, time to head back
to the office.

I've missed
an entire day of work,

so at least some good
came from this.

What are you doing?

Well, they couldn't make
a banner in time

for my press conference,
so I am cobbling together

a banner from
all the other discarded banners.

"Second chunce four Lesle!

"Perv Dexxxhrt equals...

- birthday mouse"?
- Rat!

Well, that's the closest thing
I could get to a rat.

[Scoffs]
Leslie, listen to yourself.

Loopholes,
scorched-earth policies.

This isn't you.

I cannot believe you aren't
supporting me on this!

Dexhart has a sex scandal
the same day I'm leaving office?

That is not a coincidence.

This was meant to be.

You know what?

Why don't we gather everyone
in here,

you explain to them
what you're thinking,

and, uh, we get some feedback.

[Snaps] Now you're talking.

I would be thrilled
if we had a boy.

I have perfected the art
of shaving the human face.

And I would love to be able
to pass that on.

Toy trucks?
Superhero costumes?

Tiny little acorn penis?
Forget it.

A weird image.

But one that does not diminish
my enthusiasm.

Well, Ann Perkins,

are you ready to find out
the sex of our baby?

[Clink]
I'm ready.

We are having a...

"distributions."

That's what it looks like:
Distributions.

Let me see that.

It says "congratulations,"
I think.

Then it says,

"I...leg smurf."

Are we having a smurf?

We are having a...
"11-jewel toilet."

I can't tell what's words
and what's punctuation!

The suspense is killing me!

I'm calling Dr. Saperstein.

I'm calling Domino's.

Do you think Domino's delivers
to this restaurant?

- I hope so.
- Oh, no.

He's out
for the rest of the day!

I have literally never been
more stressed out.

Oh, good! You guys are here!

Okay, everybody gather around.
I have a big announcement.

I am officially
seeking reelection

to the Pawnee City Council.

I am gonna be running
for Dexhart's seat.

And the campaign starts now.

Oh, I love the sound of silence

before a big cheer.

That's what's happening, right?

Leslie, no offense.

I've heard a lot
of bad ideas today.

- This is the worst.
- April?

I would love it if you ran
an insane campaign

and basically turned
into the joker.

But that means you probably
shouldn't do it.

- Andy?
- I don't know, Leslie.

It seems risky.

And I'd hate to see you
go through another tough fight.

But I could be wrong.

I haven't pooped in three days.

Okay, Ron, you have always
given me sage counsel.

And your words
carry great influence so...

what do you think I should do?

I do not think
you should run again.

What the hell do you know,
Dum-Dum?

All of you! Look,
this is my only option.

I am running again
with or without you.

Leslie, you're running
for office again?

What a great idea!

How can I help?

Ugh...

Well, no one else brought
me good business ideas.

So I decided to
take care of it myself.

Talking tissue!

Any time you pull one out,

you get a little message
to hype you up.

[Tom's voice]
Blow that nose, playah!

No.

[Sighs] This stinks.

I'm just gonna have to go back
to my same job

that I've had forever.

Yeah, I get
why you're bummed out.

I mean, look at me.

I'm younger than you,

and I already have
my own department.

Plus I'm married,
and I make more money than you.

Whatever. You just merged
your department with parks

then made up your own title.

[Snickering] Yeah.

It's awesome.

[Tom's voice] I'm empty, yo.

Fill me up.

Do that again.

[Knock on door]

What could you possibly need
at 6:00 in the morning?

We couldn't read your writing,

and we need
to know the sex of our baby.

I'm watching cartoons
with my son.

Daddy!

An Elmer Fudd one is on!

Stop it.
Hey, what's up, beautiful?

Jean-Ralphio.
I live in the guesthouse.

What do you say
you and I get together

in a special way?

I-I'm pregnant.

- The more the merrier.
- With my baby.

Well, you can come too,
beautiful.

Look at that.

I guess sometimes
I call men "beautiful" too.

I guess I'm
[Singing] open-minded as hell.

And I think
you're pretty good-looking.

- Thank you.
- Can you just read that

and tell us
what the sex is, please?

Wow.

It looks like
the chicken that wrote this

had a stroke on the paper.

[Laughter]

Listen, I-I kind of remember.

But I don't want to say
anything that's wrong.

Give me 15 minutes.

I will get dressed.

We'll go down
to my office. Okay.

Well, have a good day
at work today, daddy.

Also,
if you don't know already,

there's a malfunction
with the TV,

where it keeps ordering porno,

like, a ton of porno.

Like, how can someone watch
that much porno in one sitting?

Only when you're out
of the house.

So if you see it on the bill,
that's why. Okay?

"And therefore, with your help,

"we can make our future bright.

I believe I still have
a lot to offer this city."

I'd swap those two lines.

Always helps
to end on the call to action.

I'm sorry if it felt like
everyone piled on.

We were just being honest.

But if you really
want to do this,

of course we'll support you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I stormed out.

You know, I've been thinking
for weeks of what to get you

as a "last day in City Council"
present.

And I finally figured it out.

You remember Jen Barkley,

political consultant
and power broker?

Hey! Jen!

What brings you back to Pawnee?

Ben bought one hour of my time.

I heard you need
some consulting?

Well, uh, I guess.

I mean, how are you?
How's your family?

Okay, I get paid
$1,200 an hour.

Do you really wanna spend
any of that time

talking about my mother

and her
19-year-old Korean husband?

Well, that does sound
fascinating.

But you're right, let's talk.

Okay.
I'll get the chair. [Laughs]

[Prolonged] Ron!

That's how I enter rooms now.
It's more dramatic.

Why did you enter at all?

Because I have some huge news.

You're looking at
Pawnee's new business liaison.

I don't like French words.

I do like the word "business."

You may continue.

April created
a new position for herself,

and I wanna do the same.

The town could use
more private-sector money

after the merger.

So as business liaison,

I would find companies
looking to move or expand,

and convince them
to do it in Pawnee.

Now this is a good idea.

You've come a long way, son.

And while I got you here...

talking tissue.

Go for it.

[Tom's voice] Yo, dog!

Life is what you make of it.

Leave while I'm ahead?
You got it.

Clear them sinuses, playboy!

Someone's got the sniffies.

Tell your mama you love 'er.

Step up
your vitamin "C" game, bro!

So they recall me
after all I've done for them.

Ridiculous.

But Dexhart now
has another sex scandal.

Of course he does.

And the plan is
I'm gonna run for his seat.

Because how do I lose
to a guy like that?

- That's a great idea, right?
- It's a terrible idea.

I knew it. Wait. What?

First of all, you could lose
to a guy like that.

Terrible people defeat
great people all of the time.

I should know.

Those terrible people
have paid me so much money,

I have a condo
in every virgin island.

Now you might win.

You're smart, Ben is smart,
you might win.

But why would you want to?

Because it's my dream job.

Then dream bigger.

Look, you love this town.

It's being run
by monsters and morons?

Get a better job!

Rise above their heads.

Affect change at a higher level.

Don't be the kid
that graduates high school,

hangs out
in the school parking lot.

Be the woman who moves away,

climbs the ladder,
and then confidently comes back

and has sex
with her hot old English teacher

just for kicks.

Is that what you did?

Yeah. Mr. Baker.

Sex was pretty good,
thanks to me.

Look, Pawnee
has done you a favor.

You've outgrown them.

You've got talent, and
you've got name recognition.

Which means that you have
a bright, wide-open future

with a thousand options.

State Senate.

Federal jobs.

Even congress.

All of these are doable for you.

And you can trust me...

because I don't care
enough about you to lie.

[Ringtone plays]

Uh-oh. Oh, time's up.

Okay, if you want
to keep talking,

you're gonna have to pay me
1,200 more dollars.

- I just need--
- No, I swear to God,

if you say one more word,
you will legally owe me $1,200,

and I will sue you.
Let's not end it like that.

Okay, great to see you, Leslie.

Those five words are on me.

Should I move this back?
Don't answer it!

I don't know
what you're thinking,

but you have a press conference
in ten minutes.

Well, this is it...

The final moment..

What are you hoping for?

I will honestly be happy
either way.

Me too.

Boy or girl,

it doesn't matter.

Because it will literally be

the greatest child
who's ever lived.

You swear you have
no preference?

You?

Not at all.

Who's ready? Raise your hand.

It's a boy!
Both: Yes!

I thought you didn't have
a preference.

I didn't. I just really
wanted it to be a boy.

Me too.

I don't know why.

You guys are just so neat.

Would you be interested
in adopting my children?

They're in their late 20s,
they're terrible.

No? No go?

[Chuckles]
I ask all my patients.

I've gathered you all
here today

because I have an announcement,

a very big announcement,
about my future.

I will be heading to lunch today
with my husband.

At JJ's diner.

We will eat waffles.

And then we will go home
and make out on our couch.

That is my future.

For now.

It's been an honor
to serve this town.

And I will cherish the memories
forever.

Thank you.

- Ms. Knope!
- There you have it.

A shockingly unshocking
press conference

in which
a recently unemployed woman

said nothing of importance.

I'm Perd Hapley,

and I just realized
I'm not holding my microphone.

Jen Barkley telling me I had a future was

the best present I could have got.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

But, I did get you one other present

to take your mind off all this.

Aww, you are the sweetest man in the world.
Where is it?

Well, it's not here.

We have to go get it.

In times of stress or in moments
of transition,

sometimes it can feel like the whole world
is closing in on you.

When that happens, you should close
your eyes, take a deep breath,

listen to the people that love you
when they're giving advice,

and remember what really matters.

And, if you have the ability to go to Paris,
by all means,

go to Paris!

- I found one!
- Oh, great!

- Mm, right here.
- Yeah?

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0